Self-Sabotage: Can Someones Unmet Developmental Need To Be Loved Cause Them To Sabotage Themselves?

If someone’s life is not going in the direction that they want, they might believe that there is very little that they can do. The reason for this is that they may have done a number of things over the years to try to change it.

But, no matter what they have done, they won’t have been able to make much headway. This may mean that they have been able to move forward in one or a number of areas of their life, only to go back to where they were before or close to it.

Worn Down

Either way, they are likely to have well and truly had enough. What may have crossed their mind is that there is someone or something ‘out there’ that is holding them back.

If so, it can be as though they are being punished, and, until this changes, their life will continue to go in the same direction. This may mean that they are religious or at the very least, were brought up in a religious environment.

A Closer Look

When it comes to the life that they lead, they might not have been able to make much progress in their career, have a fulfilling romantic relationship and/or have nourishing friendships, for instance. Their life may have been this way for a number of years.

Then again, it might have been this way for a number of decades. Irrespective of how long it has been, if this has been going on for a while and what they have done hasn’t really impacted their life, it is to be expected that they would feel pretty defeated.

One Approach

One of the things that they may have done is to work on their ‘self-esteem’, with them having believed that this would transform their life. If this is the case, increasing their self-esteem won’t have done much.

It might have allowed them to feel better about themselves but that’s about as far as it will have gone. This might have been a time when they changed their ‘negative’ thoughts and beliefs.

The Outcome

After this took place, they might have had a strong sense that they deserve to live a fulfilling life. If this is so, they won’t be in this position because they don’t believe that they are worthy of having a fulfilling life.

One thing that they may have been told is that they don’t truly believe that they are worthy of having what they desire or their life would be different. This could be accurate, or there could be far more to it.

Another Level

What they will need to keep in mind is that there is their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves and there is their unconscious mind. Not only is the former smaller than the latter but it is far more powerful.

This other, hidden part of them contains feelings, adult needs, unmet developmental needs and parts of themselves that they have rejected, among other things. A lot of this material will relate to the experiences that they had during their formative years.

A Closer Look

One thing that they may find, if they were to develop a better connection with this part of them is that they are still trying to receive the love that they missed out on during their formative years. They will then be an adult and it will be too late for them to receive what they missed out on but this part of them won’t realise this.

And, as this part of them doesn’t realise that this stage of their life has passed, it is causing them to unconsciously recreate depriving situations. This part of them will believe that by having these experiences, they will be able to finally receive what wasn’t provided all those years ago.

A Different Scenario

If they were still a child and their parents were around when they are deprived, they might be able to finally what they missed out on. But, as they are not and their primary intention will be to recreate depriving experiences, the outcome will be the same.  

With this in mind, it makes sense why they haven’t been be to move forward, as part of them wants to move forward but another part of them doesn’t. This is a battle that their couscous mind cannot win.

Back In Time

During their early years, they may have had a mother and perhaps a father who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have caused them to be greatly wounded and deeply deprived.

As they were powerless and dependent, their only option was for their brain to repress how they felt and a number of their needs. What would have also allowed them to handle what was going on was for them to blame themselves for what happened and live in the hope - the false hope - that if they struggled, they would finally be loved.

It was futile

Yet, as their parent or parents were probably unable to love them as they themselves had also been deprived during their formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. Blocking out reality was a key part of how they were able to keep it together and function and although this stage of their life has passed, they will still have the need to block out their early reality.

However, now that they are an adult, they have what it takes to face and gradually work through the pain and the unmet development needs that they had to repress all those years ago. What this will do is allow them to let go of their need to unconsciously resolve their past and move forward.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk