When someone looks towards other people to define how valuable they are, they are going to be dependent on their approval and acceptance. And the other hand, if one was to define their value and not look towards others, the need to receive the acceptance and approval of others is not going to be as high.
As no one is their own island and is interdependent, the need to receive these things is still going to be there. However, when one accepts and approves of themselves, they are not going to be needed in the same way.
Instead, one can look towards the people in their life who they respect and trust; with these people adding to the acceptance and approval they give to themselves and not being the sole provider of it.
When it comes to these people, one is likely to have chosen to open their boundaries up to their approval and acceptance. It is a choice and not something that is out of their control.
If one is coming from a position of wanting the acceptance and approval of everyone they meet, it is not going to be a choice and will be something that is out of their control.
In the first example, it will relate to the people that one knows and appreciates, and yet in the second example, it could be from people that one doesn’t even know, let alone, appreciate.
And to open oneself up to people that one doesn’t know is not going to be healthy. It would be like opening ones front door and leaving it open; anyone could walk in and who knows what kind of damage could be done.
So it is clear to see how important it is that one defines their own value and doesn’t open themselves up to just anyone. This stops one from giving their personal power away and allows them to define themselves.
But while this is the ideal and what will enable one to lead a life that is more fulfilling and empowering, it is not always what takes place. And this means that one ends up defining their value based on how other people respond to them.
To live this way is not going allow one to experience any kind of consistency when it comes to their value. One minute they could feel valuable and the next minute they could feel worthless, it will all depend on what is taking place externally. Highs and lows and ups and downs could end up being extremely familiar.
The Opposite Gender
And while a man can look towards other men to define their value, they can also look towards women. So how they feel about themselves and how valuable and worthy they are as human beings, will be defined by how women respond to them.
So although other men can play a part, it is often women who have a greater impact on how a man feels in regards to their own value. So if a man feels valued by a women or a number of women, they could feel on top of the world. But if this is not the case, a man could feel completely worthless.
This is going to mean that a man will no longer be in control of himself and women or certain women will end up defining how he feels and behaves. And this can be something that happens unconsciously and without one even realising what is happening.
There is the chance that one will be aware of what is taking place, but that doesn’t mean that anything will change. If one has always looked towards women to define their value, then this is going to be normal.
When something is normal, it is often seen as how life is and rarely ends up being questioned. If this relates to something that was healthy and empowering, then it wouldn’t need to be questioned.
However, just because something is seen as normal or has been a certain way for a long time, it doesn’t mean that it is healthy. To be this way is not only going to cause one to give their power and value away, it is also going to make it harder for women to respect them.
So when a man looks towards women to define how valuable he is, it can lead to two options. The first is that he is unlikely to have a strong sense of self and therefore, pleasing others will be important.
His emotional state is likely be be completely dependent on women and so experiencing any kind of inner stability is not going to be easy. One is not always going to get the responses they want from others and so pain is going to arise.
The other option would be for one to the other extreme and to behave as if they don’t care how women respond to them. And this is going to mean that they will be more in control of how they feel and their own behaviour. But they could end up coming across as rude, careless and emotionally dead.
Two Sides Of The Same Coin
To be wide open to what women think or to be completely closed to what they think are two sides of the same coin. One person is in touch with how they feel and the other, has just become disconnected from their feelings.
While this might be normal and how life has always been for a man, there is a reason for it. And one reason can be because a man has not emotionally separated from his mother. Physically he can look like a man and yet emotionally he can still feel like a child.
As a child, it is essential that one is approved of and accepted by their mother. At this age, it is a matter of survival and not something that one can go without. How their mother responded to their needs and wants and her general behaviour towards them, will largely define how valuable they feel.
Another part of one’s childhood development that will define how valuable they feel, is if one emotionally separated from their mother. It through this taking place, that one realises their value is not based on other people.
This is made possible through one being seen as an individual; with their needs and wants being recognised and accepted. If they are not recognised as an individual, they can end up staying emotionally connect to their mother.
So if one hasn’t emotionally separated from their mother, then they can end up regressing to a childlike state when they are around women. And this is going to mean that they don’t feel like an empowered adult, but a child who needs the acceptance and approval of others to survive.
In order to change how one feels and behaves, it will be important for them to change their beliefs around how valuable they are. And the reason one regresses to how they felt as a child is due to them having trapped emotions in their body.
As these beliefs are changed, and ones trapped emotions are released, one will gradually begin to feel like an adult. Through doing this, one will start to form boundaries and this will allow them to feel emotionally separate. The need to always look externally for how valuable one is will then be replaced with one having the ability to look internally.
The assistance of a therapist or healer may be needed to release the trapped emotions in one’s body.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.