Sense Of Safety: Can Someone’s Sense Of Safety Be Associated With Pleasing Others If They Were Abused As A Child?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, they can find that they have the tendency to feel anxious when they don’t please others. This is going to make it difficult for them to freely express themselves.

They could see that they rarely, if ever, do what is right for them and tend to do what they can to please others. As a result of this, they could feel extremely frustrated and wonder if their life will ever change.

External Feedback

Now, if they were to talk to a trusted friend about what is going on for them, they could be told that there is no reason for them to feel this way. This person can make it clear that they are not here to please others.

After this, they might even suggest that they take something to help themselves feel more settled. For example, they could suggest that they go on medication or take certain supplements.

Back To Reality

But, if they don’t take anything, they can think about how strange it is that they need to please others in order to feel settled. They can then see that their sense of safety is dependent on others.

Pleasing others won’t serve them but what it will do is stop them from feeling all at sea internally. Thus, being focused on and doing what others want, along with what they think they want, will allow them to keep it together and function.

Looking back

If they were to think about how long they have been this way, they might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What might enter their mind is that they were simply born this way.

However, if they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that there is any truth to it. The reason that they are this way can be due to what took place during their formative years and how they were impacted by them.

Back in Time

This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, with this being a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Along with this, one or both of their parents might have been verbally and even physically abusive. Consequently, a stage of their life that should have built them up and prepared them for the real world would have done the opposite.

A Closer Look

The outcome of this is that they wouldn’t have been able to stay connected to their body and securely attach to one or both of their parents. They wouldn’t have felt safe enough to be in their body or to attach to them.

By disconnecting from their body and their own needs and feelings and focusing on their parent or parent’s needs, they wouldn’t have felt as exposed and it would have been easier for them to please them. If they felt safe or simply settled, it is likely to be because they were doing what one or both of their parents wanted.

The other Side

But, if they didn’t do as they wanted, they are likely to have been consumed with anxiety and fear. A stage of their life when they needed to feel safe and secure to grow and develop in the right way was then a stage when they had to more or less always be on alert and perform.

Their connected true self would have been covered up by a disconnected and outer-directed false self. Additionally, the pain that they experienced and the developmental needs that were not met would have been repressed by their brain.

The Meaning

And, as they were egocentric, their underdeveloped brain would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad and that they were worthless and unlovable. Moreover, their brain and nervous system would have come to associate being safe with focusing on and pleasing others.

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but, thanks to the impact that it had on them, it won’t matter. To a big part of them, they will still be living in an environment where it is not safe for them to be in their body and freely express themselves.

Moving Forward

For them to gradually change their life, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk