Suicide: Why Would A Man Rather Die Than Reach Out For Support?

Nowadays, it is not common to hear about a man who has taken his own life. At times, this can mean that he will leave behind family and friends, and at others, it can go further than this, with him leaving behind a girlfriend or wife and even a child or children.

For those who are left behind, they can be filled with not only a deep sense of loss, overwhelming sadness and disbelief, but they can be filled with guilt. This is because they can blame themselves for not doing more and for not being able to stop him from ending his life.

Another Scenario

Then again, the people in his life could have had a slightly different experience because they might not have known that he was in a bad way. Or, they might have known that he suffered but believed that he got better and was largely in a good place.

Thanks to this, they can struggle to understand why they were unable to see the signs that he was not well. They can then, in addition to the other feelings, feel like they have betrayed and let him down.

A lot to handle

Due to what they are going through, it can be difficult for them to handle life. They can believe that, as a result of what’s happened, they don’t deserve to be happy ever again.

If this is the case, it will be essential for them to keep in mind that if they did do a lot for him, they wouldn’t have turned their back on him, and, if they didn’t know what was going on, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t have been able to help him. It will then be vital for them to be kind to themselves and ensure that they reach out for support if they need to.

A Closer Look

Now, when a man has ended his life but didn’t open up about what he was going through, it naturally creates confusion afterwards. What can enter someone’s mind is why he didn’t reach out for support?

Naturally, as he was suffering, this would have been the rational thing for him to do. Most likely, if he had had a physical problem, he would have done something about it.

A Strange Scenario

However, as confusing as this is likely to be, there is a chance that he saw reaching out for support as something far worse. If this were the case, what it would illustrate is how conflicted he was.

He would then have been suffering mentally and emotionally and desperately needed support, and, at the same time, there was a part of him that didn’t want to do this. To this other, stronger part of him, reaching out for support may have been seen as something that would have caused him to be criticised, humiliated and/or abandoned and ostracised.

A losing Battle

He would then have been in a lot of pain, which would have caused a lot of tension to build up inside him, but as part of him would have dominated the part of him that needed help, he would have been trapped. Therefore, what was going on externally wouldn’t have been the problem; the problem would have been what was going on for him internally.

Nonetheless, the big question is why was there a part of him that was so controlled by the fear of being criticised, humiliated and/or abandoned and ostracised. As it could be said that, as painful as it is to be criticised and humiliated, these are experiences that are temporary, and as he was an adult, not a boy, being left by another wouldn’t have caused him to die or be isolated from others.

Build Up

To take a step back, it can seem as though he was doing fine and then, perhaps after something happened to him as an adult, he gradually fell apart mentally and emotionally as the weeks, months and perhaps years passed. So, he might have experienced a breakup, a loss or retired, for instance.

This would, of course, have had an impact on him, but the reason it had such a big impact it him might have been because of the pain that he was already carrying. Before he experienced this pain, his system might have been able to hold the pain down that he was in and keep it out of his conscious awareness, thereby allowing him to keep it together and function.

Another part

Also, staying busy, achieving things, exercising, having sex and distracting himself, for example, would have also served as a secondary defence that allowed him to release tension and, thus, prevented his concious mind from being flooded with input from other areas of his brain and hold it together. What he had then experienced would have pushed his system to the limit, and his usual coping mechanisms wouldn’t have worked.

Taking this into account, along with the question of why he was controlled by another part of him that was seemingly his enemy, the other question is why he was carrying so much pain. The answer to both of these questions might be found by exploring what his early years might have been like.

Back In Time

His early years may have been a stage of his life when his mother and perhaps his father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, he may have had to act like a parental figure to his mother or father.

If so, he would have not only missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed, but he would have also had to give when he needed to receive. And if he did freely express certain needs and feelings, he might have been criticised, humiliated, rejected and even abandoned. 

The outcome

Still, he would have lived in the hope that, if he became who they wanted and did what they wanted, he would be loved. As futile as this was, as his mother and perhaps father were probably developmentally stunted and unable to provide him what he needed, it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for him to release tension and stop input from others areas of his brain from flooding his conscious mind and, therefore, for his system to ensure that he could keep it together and function.

This stage of his life would then have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened, he would have lost touch with his connected, embodied and feeling true self and developed a disconnected, disembodied and unfeeling false self.

It All Got Too much
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He would have also come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad, and that he was worthless and unlovable. The years would then have passed since this stage of his life, but he would have continued to have a false self that was there to make sure that he didn’t freely express himself, and he would have carried most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs from his childhood.

And as the years passed, more pain would have built up, and it would have gotten harder and harder for him to release enough tension to function, until the point arose when his world started to close in and ending his life was seen as the only way to liberate himself from the inner hell that he was living in. This shows that even though he was no longer at the stage of his life when he lived in an environment that wasn’t responsive to his needs and feelings, he didn’t fully realise this.

Final Thoughts

Taking all this into account, one thing this illustrates is how what happens during someone’s early years can end up defining their whole life. Much of what they do as an adult will then be a consequence of something that took place decades before.

It can then seem as though human beings don’t have free will, but whether they do or don’t, what stands out is that when someone is fractured and traumatised state, their ability to act freely is greatly undermined. This shows how important it is for someone to slowly reconnect to their body and face, process and integrate the pain that has been pushed out of conscious awareness.

For this to take place, external support is likely to be needed, at least in the beginning, so that they can go where they wouldn’t go alone. In addition to this, immense courage, patience, and persistence are required.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk