To be abused as a child is going to have the potential to cause all kinds of problems and these problems are unlikely to just end there. They could end up affecting this person for the rest of their adult life. And to what degree their adult life is affected will depend on many factors. Human beings respond to experiences differently and there is never going to be one outcome for everyone. There are all kinds of abuse and this is going to play a part in how someone responds. And as well as the type of abuse that takes place, there is going to be how someone one responds to it. One person could experience one kind of abuse and gradually recover, whereas as another person could suffer for the rest of their life. There will be at least two reasons for this difference and one of these will be due to how the abuse has impacted them and the meaning they have given to what happened. And the other will depend upon the kind of support that this person receives after the abuse. The First One So this persons mind will play a big part in how the experience affects them. Something that can’t be overlooked is the power of the human spirit, with humans being able to survive experiences that are horrifying. And while human beings are often described as being created equally, they are not all the same; with some people having the ability to handle greater pressure and pain than others. This does not mean that one person is ‘better’ than another; it is just an example of how people are different on the inside. However, the brain can adapt and even though one might have started off as being a certain way, it doesn’t mean that change is impossible. If one changes how they think and how they feel, over time, their brain will gradually change. The Second One No one is their own island and so having some kind of support is essential. For some people, this would have been there during their childhood years even though they were abused. And then there will be others who were completely isolated during this time. But no matter what happened as this time in one’s life, it doesn’t mean that they can’t reach out for support as an adult. It will be imperative that one takes the initiative here and reaches out. One person could find that asking for support is relatively easy and that they have no trouble asking for help. But for another, this could be something that causes deep fear and they then have to go without what they desperately need. Flawed But if one has experienced some kind of abuse during their childhood, it is likely that one will have come to the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with them. And if one has been violated by someone they looked to for protection, love and support, it is not going to be much of a surprise. So part of the meaning that they will construct is likely to include that there is something wrong with them and if this is the case, it could stop them from asking for support. This could apply to their childhood years and to their adult years. Two Ways There are two ways that one can believe that they are flawed. The first is through their own interpretations of what they experienced and the other is through their caregiver/s or the other people around them at the time that used these words or words that were similar. At such as young age, one is completely dependent on their caregivers and this means that their survival rests on them. So they have to maintain an idealised image of them even when reality doesn’t match it. To see them for who they are would create all kinds of inner unrest and anxiety. The Problem This is partly why one will see themselves as being the problem and not their caregivers. Another reason is that age a young age, one is self centred and everything is taken personally. And one is also not going to have had the ability to question what took place at such a young age. But that doesn’t mean that it felt right and that every part of their being would have accepted what happened as the truth. Unquestioned So someone could experience conflict over what happened and question what took place or they could be defined by it. Either way, their life is being shaped in one way or another by this deep wound. Shame is going to be one of the emotions that emanates from the wound. Worth No matter what one had to put up with or go through, it had nothing to do with their inherent worth as a human being. What it had everything to do with was the mental and emotional state of the perpetrator/s. And what was going on for them internally, defined what they saw externally. So all they ended up seeing was what they were not prepared to face within themselves. Ones true value was then covered up, as a result another person’s lack of awareness and inability to take responsibility for their own pain. But although one might have lost contact with their true worth, it has always been there and it will never leave them. Awareness However, there are two areas of change here and while reading about something might be enough for some people, for others, more will need to be done. The beliefs in one’s head will have to be changed and their body is likely to contain trapped emotions form their childhood years. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. What they will also provide is the mirroring and the validation that one didn’t receive when they were growing up. And this is just as important as releasing trapped emotions or changing beliefs.
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When someone experiences some kind of abuse in their adult relationships, there is often the chance that they will identify with one of two outlooks. They can either see that this abuse is a reflection of what took place during their childhood or they can come to the conclusion that their childhood was fine and that it has nothing to do with it. In the first example, it is more or less perfectly clear and there is no doubt whatsoever about where this abuse was first experienced. And as they are certain about it, they can take the steps to deal with that is taking place. But when it comes to the second example, the whole thing could come across as a mystery and not make any sense. This could cause them to feel like a victim or that they are just unlucky. Healing The first person might then decide to look at their history and to work on it. Their intention will be to heal that happened and to put an end to it once and for all. As for how long this takes can depend on how severe their early abuse was and on the kind of support they receive, amongst other things. With them knowing where the abuse originally came from, they will have a target. Knowing where to look and the kind of questions to ask will allow one to take action. As this process continues, they are going to see how their present relationships reflect their childhood relationships. Complete Honesty This will also require that one is completely honest with themselves. As there could be guilt, shame and fear that will stop them from being able to admit to what happened. It can be easy for one to have an idealised image of their parents or the other figures around at the time and this can sabotage the whole process; primarily because this will stop someone from embracing the truth and this truth will need to be faced in order for one to heal and move on. The Unknown Cause So in the case of one coming to the conclusion that their childhood was fine, there is going to be a different approach to healing. One might believe that they have no control over who they attract or the kind of people they are attracted to; with attraction being a random process. If they are relatively young, they might come to the conclusion that they will grow out of it and that this is just part of growing up. The opposite sex could also be labelled as being a certain way and that all men or women are the same and can’t be trusted. It could also be put down to them just having low self esteem and confidence issues. So through them building themselves up, they will be able to move beyond this challenge. With very little being mentioned about their childhood and what kind of affect this had on them. The Next Stage So one could end a relationship that is abuse and attract another person who is completely different and that’s the end of it. It would then appear as though they have experienced an internal shift. Or they could end up experiencing the same thing over and over again and end up feeling confused, frustrated, angry and powerless. So they are then stuck and unable to attract the kind of person or people who treat them in the right way. A Closer Look However, just because someone was abused in their childhood, it doesn’t mean that they can remember it or even want to admit to it. It could also be something that hasn’t been recognised as abuse and something that was seen as normal in their family of origin. So this means that one could be in denial and have cut off all recollection to their childhood or certain parts, in order to avoid feeling the pain of what took place. And while this allows their mind to maintain their childhood illusions, their body and the people they attract into their life will tell the real story. Normal One also doesn’t need to be someone who experienced extreme abuse in the childhood in order to attract abusive people in their later years. All that needs to take place is for one to experience a one off violation or something that compromised them in one way or another. What this then does is create an opening and through this, there is a chance that it will get bigger and bigger. So what first started off as being fairly insignificant, went on to become something far worse. This could have been a mother who was critical and controlling or a father who was overprotective and got too close. Tolerance What these early experiences do is create a tolerance to that kind of behaviour and this is because it is familiar. And what is familiar is what is safe to the ego mind; regardless of it is functional or not. So one is then going to be drawn to people who remind them of their parents. And it won’t matter if this is something that will enhance their life or not. One might consciously feel repelled by certain behaviour and yet unconsciously they feel drawn towards it. Another person might start of as being overprotective or slightly controlling in the beginning. And as time passes, this gradually increases to include abuse that is far worse. The originally experiences made one receptive to this kind of behaviour. Awareness When one experiences some kind of violation in their childhood, it is going to be an emotional experience and beliefs will also have been formed. And these will need to be dealt with or one is going to recreate the same reality. These trapped feelings and emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or healer. And ones beliefs can be changed in the same way or through reading and consciously questioning what they believe for example.
Just because someone has experienced some kind of abuse or has had to endure some other kind of pain, it doesn’t mean that they have been able to move on from it. Because although one could be innocent and have nothing to do with what happened, as in the case of child abuse, it doesn’t mean that they feel that way. When someone is abused as a child, they could grow up to believe that they deserved what happened to them. And how they end up feeling, as a result of what took place, could become normal. It then doesn’t stand out and is not recognised as something that is nothing more than a parasite that has no real relevance to who one is. So one can either end up accepting it or they might question it and believe it at the same time. In the second example, they will alternate between having moments of realising that it is not who they are and having times when they feel defined by what happened Reasons The reason one wouldn’t know that how they feel as a result of what happened is not the truth is because they haven’t experienced anything different. If their mother or father violated them in some way when they were growing up and they haven’t to come across anything that goes against what happened, then this will be taken as the truth. And when it comes to the person who does question it, if only partly, they will have come across something or someone that shows that how they were treated was not personal. At the time it might have felt personal and that is because one would not have had the ability to know any different. Alternate Point Of View One may have had a family member around at the time who treated them differently and this gave them another way of looking at themselves. But if one didn’t have this and the only feedback they got was that they were ’bad’ or ‘worthless’ for instance, then questioning what happened is going to be a lot harder. As A Child To be brought up by people who were abusive and didn’t give a reason for their behaviour, is going to mean that one’s childhood reality wasn’t supported. They might have known that something wasn’t right and yet their external reality told them otherwise. So as time passed and the abuse continued, one had no other choice than to accept it. But that doesn’t mean that this will remove all resistance and every part of them will be in agreement with how they were treated. A Seed And similar to how a seed will grow into a plant or a tree over time, this inner resistance may start to grow stronger. This doesn’t mean that this will be smooth process though, as although one might not like how they feel, it will have become familiar and what they are used to. However, if one hangs in there and keeps going, they will gradually start to come across people and information that causes them to see things differently. And these sources will give them new insights into what happened and connect to that part of them that always knew something wasn’t quite right. Hidden Wounds After being abused by the people who one looked upon for love and protection, it is going to be a challenge for someone to completely embrace the fact they didn’t deserve to be treated as they were. Deep emotional wounds will have been created, so even though time has passed, these will still define how one feels about themselves and life. And as child abuse can be dismissed and denied by other people, as well as one feeling ashamed of what happened, it can mean that they don’t open up about what took place. Validation One could come across someone who treats them differently or read about something that goes into what they experienced and their whole world could begin to open up. It is then no longer just something they have always felt within them, it is something that many others have also gone through. How they have felt for their whole life is then partly or completely explained. They are not going mad and there is also nothing inherently wrong with them; they have simply been doing their best to cope with a dysfunctional upbringing. One can then understand that based on what happened, how they feel and how they behave is normal and to be expected. And that anyone else could end up feeling the same if they went through the same experiences. Awareness Therapists and healers can make such a difference, providing they are aware of this area and don’t invalidate ones experience. They can allow one to open up about what happened, without them fearing that they are going to be invalidated, ignored or shut down. One might have had to wait a long time to receive this validation, but it doesn’t mean that it is too late for them to receive it. There will the no longer be the need to deny how one truly feels and to carry the emotional baggage of their past around with them any longer. There are also books and articles that can allow someone to feel validated, if therapy or healing is not currently an option. The important thing is that one doesn’t give up and keeps going.
In today’s world there are all kinds of challenges that people are having to face. And some of these are relatively easy to handle, while others can seem to be more or less impossible to solve. These can range from global, societal and personal problems. In a way, they can all affect each other, and at the same time one doesn’t always have to be affected by what others are doing in their society or the world at large. And this includes the economy and the environment when it relates to societal and global challenges. When it comes to personal problems, the economy and the environment are going to have the potential to cause problems, and there will also be other things. The areas in ones personal life will be: relationships, physical health, mental and emotional health and their financial situation, amongst other things. Attention Each of these areas is important and needs to receive the right amount of attention in one’s personal life. One can’t change the economy or the environment by themselves, but what they can do is play their part in the grand scheme of things. Each and everyone one of us has a part to play, one only needs to realise it. When it comes to someone’s personal life, a lot of their attention is going to be placed on their finances. And most societies are the same, with success being measured by how well their economy is doing and not based on peoples mental and emotional wellbeing. Society focuses on the importance of physical health and one is likely to have the same outlook. This means that one will need to eat well and to engage in some kind of exercise on a regular basis. Emotions What are generally overlooked in society as a whole and in peoples individual lives are emotions. And as society doesn’t encourage people to learn about their emotions, it means that they are largely ignored. If learning about them was part of the education system, then this would not be the case. So instead of creating awareness around the importance of emotions, society pretends they don’t exist. Forgotten However, just because they are overlooked by society and the people in it, it doesn’t mean that will be the end of it. Human beings are inherently emotional beings and while ignoring them won’t necessarily cause one to die, as it would if they stopped eating, there will be consequences. Relationship Some people will have a better relationship with their emotions than others. And this will often go back to what happened in their childhood. How their caregiver/s responded to their emotions will have played a big part in how one responds to them in their later years. With ones time as a baby and a young child being the time where one will have learn how to regulate their emotions and therefore, will have formed a healthy relationship with them. Or this can be a time where they didn’t learn how to regulate them and as a result, formed an unhealthy relationship with them. Emotional Regulation At such a young age, one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate themselves. So through a caregivers mirroring and attunement, one would have been able to regulate how they felt. As one internalised this and developed the ability to regulate themselves, this external support would not be as important. This would allow one to have a reasonable amount of emotional control and to not feel all at sea when certain emotions appear. Being able to just be with them would then be possible and if it wasn’t, one would feel comfortable enough to ask for assistance from others. The Challenge The challenge is when this external support was not their enough when one was a child, or wasn’t there at all. This is going to lead to problems in later life, unless one seeks some kind of assistance and even then it is not going to change overnight. One is then not going to find it hard to experience emotional control and they could be taken out by their emotions. Simply being with their emotions is going to be a challenge. And as there is very little they can do internally, they are going to find it hard to experience emotional stability. Consequences So on one side there will be inner unrest and on the other side there will be outer consequences. These will be the things that one does externally in order to regulate their emotions. And while these won’t always be healthy or functional, if one hasn’t got the ability to regulate how they feel, they might seem like the only options available. Examples Addictions are a big problem in today’s society and while they often lead to problems, they allow one to regulate how they feel. Violence is another challenge and this also enables one to regulate how they feel through causing external destruction for instance. Alcohol when taken to the extreme causes inner problems and external problems. But even though this is the case and is self evident, it settles ones emotions down. Food is something that everyone needs and yet it can also be used as a way to regulate ones emotions. So one then ends up eating and not because their hungry, but because they need to sooth themselves. This could go back to their childhood, with food being the only way they were able to feel better; with love being absent. Society This shows that as individuals are affected by it, the world at large is also going to end up being affected. How someone feels will define how they behave and if they have no emotional control, then all kinds of things are going to happen. Sometimes this might lead to an addiction that won’t harm another and at other times, this could be an act of violence that ends up harming many people. The importance of emotional awareness and education can’t be stressed enough. If emotions were part of the education system, it is fairly clear that the world would change. And this is unlikely to be a few changes here and there, but change that will make a significant difference. Awareness As emotions are rarely looked at in today’s world, it will generally mean that one will have to take matters into their own hands and to seek the assistance they need to deal with this area of their life. One reason why people can’t regulate their emotions is because they have an emotional build up. This means that they have trapped emotions in their body that may have built up since the moment they were born; these will need to be released. Another thing that one will need to experience is the mirroring and attunement that they didn’t receive as a child. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer. Through this, one will be able to internalise this and gradually build up their ability to regulate their emotions.
When two people come together with the intention of having a relationship or just the desire to spend time together, it is generally going to lead to them having sex. And this could be something that both of them equally want to experience or something that one of them is more attached to than the other. While it is often said that a man’s desire for sex is stronger than a woman’s desire, this is not always the case. A woman can want to get to this point just as fast, if not faster, than a man can. So this is not black and white and can work both ways; especially as women are a lot more liberated sexually than they used to be. However, while times have changed and women can express themselves in ways that they could not do before, not everything has changed. What has occurred for many, many years is not going to be wiped out over night. Expectations There are still external expectations in regards to how a man and a woman should behave. And these exist externally, through being part of the fabric of society itself. And internally, with what society has told men and women about how they should be. This also includes the conditioning that they have picked up from friends and throughout their childhood years. So as much as one can want to move away from these expectations, it is not always as easy as just moving on and doing what one wants. There is likely to be resistance and conflict can arise. Sex At one point, sex was seen by some as something that people did when they were married. And while some people still stand by this, for the majority of people, it no longer applies. In today’s culture, sex is just another form of expression and a way to experience pleasure. It is then not important if one is in a relationship with the other person or if they will see them again. All that matters is that it feels right and one enjoys themselves. Some people see this as an example of people being empowered and liberated, while others see it as lack of self respect and self control. But with these views aside, there is less meaning around sex in today’s world and therefore it is a lot easier to express oneself sexually. Before there would have been a lot of shame and guilt around this kind of behaviour and even the fear of being rejected, and now this doesn’t have to be the case. Common Pattern And one of the common challenges that a woman will face, even though times have changed, is that after they have had sex with a man, the man will pull away. If this happens after a one night stand, there is going to be the chance that this will create pain, but there is going to be more of an expectation that this will happen. When this relates to when a women is seeing the man or at the beginning of a relationship, there the potential for this behaviour to be even more confusing. And because there is the chance that a woman is going to be more emotionally attached at this point, it is going to be even harder to accept. Purpose On one side, having sex might seem like the next step for them to take and be something that the woman wants to experience. And if woman likes the man, then why not go to this next step. Another reason for having sex will be to experience a deeper connection with the man and to bond with them. Sex releases oxytocin and this is generally described as the love chemical. So through doing this, there is a strong chance that a woman will feel closer to the man. Confusion So if a woman does end up feeling a deeper connection, with the expectation that the man will experience the same thing, it can be confusing for the man to more or less disappear. Especially if the man has let it be known that he wants sex and has put in some much effort to go to this stage. It’s as if the very thing that he says he wanted, has been the thing that has caused him to move further away. Instead of getting closer and experiencing a deeper connection, it has resulted in more distance being created and a weaker connection. Reasons Now there is going to be all kinds of reasons as to why a man would pull away. Some people say it’s because a man wants to get back in touch with his masculine side and therefore needs to separate in order to regain his individuality. And when a man and a woman have sex, the masculine is embracing the feminine, at least physically speaking. So based on appearances, a man could feel smothered and engulfed through being so close to the feminine form. Conscious And Unconscious Behaviour However, there is a clear difference between needing space and consciously expressing this to a woman and needing space and expressing this unconsciously. In the first example, one would vocalise this and in the second example, it could be done through them going silent and cutting off all communication. While human beings are often seen as acting from a place of logic, at their deepest level, they are emotional beings. And in order to understand or least try to understand why something is happening, one needs to place their focus on someone’s emotional nature. Boundaries If a man had good boundaries, there would not be the need to disappear after sex. He would be able to get close to a woman without feeling overwhelmed or smothered. But being this close to a woman and experiencing physical intimacy can end up triggering a man’s emotional history that relates to their mother. And this could have been a mother that had poor boundaries herself. So as a young boy, the man could have been: trapped, smothered, overwhelmed and engulfed. And when he gets close to a woman again, these are triggered and he then pulls away without consciously knowing what is taking place. This behaviour is then a conditioned reflex and a way to avoid experiencing these feelings once more. On one side there is the need to get close to a woman, but on the other side, it reminds him of his mother. It is then no so much about what is taking place externally, as it is about what is going on inside the man. Awareness What steps a woman can take will all depend on how aware the man is and if he is willing to face his emotional history. Or it might be a case of giving him time and allowing him to settle down, so that he realises he won’t be smothered and then trust can form. Another option would be for the woman to take a look at her own outlook towards intimacy. As if she is constantly attracting men who are like this, then they are simply mirroring back her own fear of intimacy.
When some people think about having a relationship, it is often their priority to find the perfect partner. And this can be someone who has qualities and features that are relatively easy to find and go on to include what could be seen by some as, impossible to find. It could be that one has a list in their mind and is certain about what kind of person they want to be with. Another option is for one to have a list of things that they are looking for, with this being laid out on a piece of paper and not just a mental list. This could be done in such a way that one has things that are non negotiable and goes on to include things that are not essential. There will be things that are a priority and other elements that can be overlooked. A Match And it is likely that what one wants their partner to have will be what they value and therefore what they also have themselves. Dov Baron says ‘if you want to find the one, you must become the one’. So it is then vital that whatever one looks for in another is what they already have themselves or are close to having. To expect another to have what one doesn’t have is going to have the potential to cause problems. Example If one is looking for someone who is in good physical shape and they are not in the same position, the other person is probably going to experience conflict. It is likely that they would want to be with someone who is in good shape also. Of course, one could start going to the gym through being with someone who is that way inclined, but it is an example of one looking to receive something they don’t yet have to give. The Mirror So based on this, one will need to be what they want to attract. It is often said that the people one attracts into their life is a reflection of who they are. And this includes what is consciously going on for them and what is going on at a deeper level. What is going on at a conscious level is what one is going to be aware of and what is going on below that will be what they are unaware off. This is why one can be attracted to and attract people who are the complete opposite of what they want. On The Surface But when it comes to the modern day society, attention is generally given to what is seen and not to what is unseen. And so if one wants to attract the perfect partner into their life, then it is often said that one needs to simply ‘look’ the part. From here, everything will simply fall into place. What is going on beyond ones physical appearances is rarely mentioned in the mainstream and so this could end up being ignored. And this is no surprise, because there is a lot of money to be made by getting people to focus solely on their appearances. Celebrities The media gives a lot of attention to people in the public eye who look good and have everything else going for them. However, what the media also shows are people who have relationship problems who look perfect. In these cases, their looks are not making any difference. They are still having the same problems as people who are not classed as ‘attractive’. But even though this is true, people have been conditioned to believe that looks are the be and end all. Options And there are all kinds of things that one can do now to improve their appearance. Cosmetic surgery has created the opportunity for one to do so much more and to change what people in the past had to put up with for life. Then there are: clothes, make up, facial products, hair styles and even tattoos for instance. And one doesn’t need to have surgery to change their appearance; they can also take on an exercise regime. Beauty And let’s not overlook how important looks are, as human beings we like to be around beauty; If makes us feel good and we appreciate it. So looking good is not bad per se and is something that should be encouraged to a certain degree. But, one just needs to place their attention on the certain celebrities for a short time and even the people in their lives that are attractive to see that looking good is not enough. A Deeper Look So plenty of attention is given to what can be seen with one’s eyes and yet very little attention is given to what can’t be seen. And this is a massive oversight, because we don’t just attract people based on how we look, we also attract them based on what is going on within us. And if one doesn’t feel ‘beautiful within’ then they are likely to attract people who reflect this inner disharmony. One might have become so cut off from what is going on with them, that when other people reflect it back to them it could feel as though they are being victimised. What is going on within someone will be a combination of their beliefs, thoughts and emotions. These will come together to define who one attracts and is attracted to. And it won’t matter what is going on externally; as these elements will have the biggest say. An Analogy There are cakes that look amazing, with how they are decorated and what they are decorated with. But just because a cake looks good on the outside, it doesn’t mean that one is going to enjoy what is on the inside. The outside will be what makes one eat the cake, but once they have gone through the icing, they will taste what is on the inside. At first they might be looking forward to eating the cake, but shortly after, they could experience a sense of regret. Looks will make a difference at the beginning of a relationship, but once time has passed, it will be what is going on behind the looks that will appear. And just like the in the example above, no amount of icing will be able to cover up what is inside. Awareness One of the reasons people have relationships is to heal their history and so the more one deals with their past, the better their relationships will be. To deal with that is going internally, one can seek the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach. Or engage in their own self study and read up on this area to increase their self awareness.
For many years, men have been seen as being one way and women as being another way. And part of this related to men being the ones who were independent and the women as being dependent. So a man would be an example of the masculine on the outside and on the inside and a women’s outer femininity would be matched by her inner femininity. However, times have changed and although outer appearances have more or less stayed the same, what is going on internally has radically shifted. Men are often more dependent and women are more independent. This has resulted in what would be described as a role reversal and a shift of power in many instances. Women are now in higher positions than they have been before and have the kind of status that was only available to men for many years. Another big difference is how men and women now relate in their everyday relationships and in intimate relationships Relationships There would have been women before who were not submissive and who took the lead in their relationships. But this is likely to have been less common than it is today. Men have become a lot more feminized than they were before; both internally and externally. And while some women appreciate having more power and having a relationship that is more equally balanced, they are often left feeling frustrated and as though something is not right. While they may appreciate how things have changed, some women still want a man to take the lead and to do all the things that make them feel like a woman. Availability A common challenge that arises for a woman is when a man is not completely available to have a relationship. He could be there in person and yet when it comes to being there emotionally, he is nowhere to be found. This could be because he is still close to his mother, but it doesn’t have to be. It could be that his mother still lives inside of him and this dictates how available he will allow himself to be with another woman. The Mother One might wonder what their mother has got to do with it and this is understandable. And the reason she is so important is because she is the first person that they are likely to form an attachment with. So if they form a strong attachment to her and then break away in order to complete their psychological birth, there might not be too many problems. He should grow into man that is able to commit to another woman. But if this separation is not able take place, a man can end up being enmeshed to their mother as an adult. And if this is not the case, they can still be holding onto their mother on the inside. Either way, they have not been able to let go and to move on. The Reason Now, there could be all kinds of reasons as to why a man has not been able to break away. But a big part of it will come down to what their mothers relationships was like with their father or the man that she was with at the time of one’s formative years. The time that one begins to emotionally break away from their mother is generally around the age of six months. So the mother will typically nurture the child and then the father will encourage the child to break away. This is the ideal and both the mother and the father are important in allowing a child to receive the right amount of love and then to break away at the right time. The Problem If their father was not there during this important stage, then it is going to harder for the man to have separated form their mother. And this doesn’t mean that their father had to have left their mother, it could just as easily be a father that was physically there, but emotionally somewhere else. Relationships problems between their mother and father around this time can also sabotage this process. For example, when their father is not available for take care of their mothers needs, this energy is likely to be channelled towards them. They are then not given the right support to break away and if their father is around, he could be relieved that her energy is going towards their son and not to him. Role Reversal The mother then ends up using her son to meet her unmet intimacy needs. This could also relate to her unmet childhood needs that were never met. And at this age, one would have just wanted to be loved and while this level of closeness might not have felt right; there wouldn’t have been an alternative. His needs would have then become secondary, with his mothers needs becoming primary. To put his needs first would be something that would soon trigger guilt; that’s if he was even able to identify what his needs were, for some men this might seem impossible. Breaking Away So a man is going to experience conflict. On one side they will want to embrace a relationship with another woman and yet they are also going to feel attached to their mother. This doesn’t mean that a man will have to cut all ties with their mother, what it does mean is that they will have to complete their psychological birth as an adult. They were not allowed to separate as a child and so this still needs to take place. Emotionally they have been unable to grow up and have therefore stayed stuck. This process can be assisted through a therapist or a healer who will allow one to deal with their feelings. The mirroring and attunement that they will supply will also enable one to gradually break away.
When one takes responsibility for how they feel, they are going to be seen as mature and self aware. And yet when one doesn’t take responsibility for how they feel in the majority of cases, they are likely to be seen as lacking awareness and being undeveloped. But while an outside observer can label them in this way and see their outlook as being self evident, to the person who doesn’t take responsibility for how they feel, they are likely to feel that they are in the right. And should another person say that other people are not responsible for how they feel, they are likely to be met with resistance and denial. So it won’t matter if others are giving them feedback about this or not, as it is unlikely to be accepted. Absolute To say that one is in complete control of how they feel is probably going a bit far. No one is their own island and one is therefore going to be affected by what is happening around them. This is part of life and unless one becomes emotionally numb, this is something one is going to have to accept. However, there is a big difference between being affected by certain things that other people do and being affected by just about everything they do. Empathy Part of being human means that one has the potential for experience empathy. The word potential was used because not everyone on this planet has empathy, and there can be many reasons for this. But with those reasons aside, having empathy means that one is going to feel things as a result of what other people do. This will be something that happens automatically and without one needing to think about whether they should feel or not. The Exception One is therefore not in control of how they feel when it comes to matters of the heart or when another person is suffering. And this ability is vital, as it allows human beings to support one another, to put an end to needless suffering and stand up for them, amongst other things. Without this, another person is more likely to be seen as an enemy than a friend. And instead of seeing another person as an individual that has their own reality and feelings, they are going to be seen as someone that one can use for their own gain. Feelings Even though empathy is automatic and out of ones conscious control, it is not something that is completely out of their control. And the same could be said about the rest of the feelings that they have. This is because even if it doesn’t have anything to do with empathy, one can still feel as though they have no control over how they feel. Another person could feel amazed at how this person blames others for their feelings and this person can have all the reasons under the sun as to why another person is responsible. They might not actually know that this is not the case. Boundaries And the primary reason, as to why one will believe that that other people are in control of how they feel, will be the result of them not having boundaries. These allow one to realise that they are not only physically separate, but also emotionally separate. It is then not that another person can actually define how one feels, but that one has not been able to form healthy boundaries. The reason they feel as they do in a lot of cases, is due to their interpretation of what another person does and not the act itself. An Example This is generally made clear by two people who are in the same situation when something doesn’t go to plan; one becomes angry and feels let down and another feels at ease and is able to let go. Both of them are in the same environment, but what is different, is how their minds are interpreting what is taking place Or two people could be around someone who has a certain type of humour. One person just laughs and lets it go past them, whereas the other feels humiliated and ashamed. The Difference This means that some people realise that they are separate from others and have boundaries. While other people don’t know this and are wide open to what others say. It’s like one person feels protected and the other person doesn’t. And the reason as to why they feel this way is likely to go back to their childhood years. What happened here is going to play a big role in whether one has boundaries or not. Childhood When one was a baby, they would have felt that there was no separation between them and their caregiver. Boundaries wouldn’t have formed yet and this allowed one to feel a sense of power and that they were safe and protected. After a while, one would have had the urge to break away from their caregiver and to experience being separate. This is when one would have developed boundaries and realised that they were separate from others. One would have started to develop their own identity during this stage. The Psychological Birth Breaking away is often described as the psychological birth. But while it is vital that this happens in order for one to become an individual and to form boundaries, it doesn’t always occur. And this means that one will physically grow up and yet their emotional development will end up being stifled. So as one feels enmeshed to others, it is not much of a surprise that they are going to blame them for how they feel; if anything, it is to be expected. Their emotional development will define how they feel and this is what will feel right. Without boundaries, one is going to be unable to own their emotional experiences and to contain them. And this means they will have to go somewhere; with that somewhere being onto other people Awareness If one wants to take reasonability for how they feel, then they will have some emotional work to do. One reason why they no emotional control could be due to them having trapped emotions in their body. As these are released, one will begin to see that they are separate from others. This will then lead to boundaries being formed. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required.
As human beings are inherently interdependent and therefore reliant on others, relationships play a vital role in not only ones survival on this planet, but also in their ability to thrive. And this means that how one perceives others will play a big part in how they experience life. Of course one is not going to get on with everyone or approve of everything their fellow human beings do, but this is not important. What matters is that they don’t go to the other extreme and not get on with anyone or disapprove of everyone. To do this is going to have the potential to isolate one from others and to put them on alert when they are around them. Or one could go to the other side of the spectrum and do all they can to get the upper hand over others; with this being the only way that one feels safe. Trust What this comes down to is the importance of being able to trust others and the difference this will make in one’s life. If they can’t trust others they are going to suffer in one way or another. When one finds it hard to trust other people, they are not going to feel the urge to reach out to people; to ask them for assistance and to be there for them. What they are likely to do is to go it alone and to be in constant state of suspicion and even paranoia. It won’t matter if another person has ulterior motives and is out to harm them, as they might end up projecting this onto them regardless of if it’s true or not. Life then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Letting Go So one might not be able to just trust and to let go; with them being in a state of hyper vigilance. In their mind, they are just waiting for the next thing to happen and for them to be taken advantage of or violated in some way. And as this is where their focus is, it will often become what they experience. This could make them extremely independent and as someone who try to do more or less everything by themselves. What they reveal or don’t reveal about who they are, where they want to go and where they have come from, will have to be carefully monitored as a way to avoid being taken advantage of. Struggle Quite simply, life could end up being a real struggle. If one couldn’t use their arms or legs it would be the same. But while they might be able to rely on their body to be there and to support them, they can’t rely on other people to be there and to support them. That being said, if one feels like this in relation to the external world, their body is likely to mirror this; with one experiencing certain aches and pain. This is not to say that well meaning people are not around them or available to support them, what it means is that one doesn’t trust people enough to recognise these people’s true intentions. All they could end up seeing are their own beliefs being reflected back. Relationships One of the foundations of any relationship is trust and this will be more important when it comes to intimate relationships. When it comes to a friend that one sees everyone now and then or someone they talk to in a shop, the need for trust is not going to be a strong. And this is because one is not going to reveal much of themselves to these types of people. However, when it relates to a close friend or ones partner, they are more likely to open up and share who they are. And this means that not only does one have more to gain, they also have more to lose. Connection If one can’t trust others, it could mean that they don’t have any close friends and that they avoid intimate relationships altogether. On one side they might have the need to connect and to experience deep connections with others and yet their fear what might happen if they did trust others stops this from occurring. Conflict So, it is clear that having the inability to trust others is not going to aid one’s ability to survive, let alone thrive. Logically this might not make any sense and yet this is going to be what feels right. Their mind might not know why, but their body is where the answers are going to be found. One is also going to have beliefs and thoughts that support them being this way. Just as their life experiences are also going to support this outlook. Causes They might have a sense of why they can’t trust others or they might wonder why it is. And the answer to these questions often goes back to their childhood and how they caregivers treated them. It could be due to what has happened in their adult years and yet these formative years are often the biggest influence. Childhood As a child, one is completely dependent on their caregivers and this is where they learn whether people can be trusted or not. So there is a big responsibility on their caregivers to not abuse the power that they have. This is why child abuse can leave such a heavy mark on someone and go on to define their whole life. To be taken advantage of by the people one looks to for protection and love is going to have the potential to create incredible damage. One doesn’t need to experience extreme child abuse though in order to have trust issues. It could be something minor that happen consistently and gradually wore them down. Or just something that happened once and was not acknowledged and therefore able to be processed. Expectations What this then does is cause one to expect this from others. And if ones caregivers were like it, why would they expect other people to be any different. One will have formed beliefs during these moments and how they felt, as a result of what took place, would have stayed trapped in their body. Awareness This means there could be two areas that one needs to look into; their mind and their body. Beliefs will need to be changed and if one has trapped emotions in their body, these will need to be released. One can seek the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach in order to move beyond this challenge. Reading up on this area will increase ones awareness and then they can change how they see the world and how they behave.
To be responsible for how one feels is one thing and yet it is quite another to feel responsible for how other people feel. Owning how one feels and not to see other people as being the primary reason that they feel as they do, is a sign of self awareness and emotional maturity. Through this, one can limit the drama in their life and not only find solutions a lot faster, but they can also grow significantly quicker. Other people are also going to appreciate them more and find them a lot easier to be around. These people will be fairly self contained and not have a habit of finding someone else to blame. If one was to constantly point their finger at others, it would alienate them from others. And not much is going to change in this person life; they would be likely to stay stuck. If one was around them, they might hear them talk about other people who are to blame or they might end up being blamed themselves. Overly Responsible So the ideal is for one to be responsible for how they feel and yet one can end up feeling responsible for how others feel. This is going to be a lot to take on and feel like an incredible burden to carry. It could be something that they have always experienced and therefore they don’t even question if it’s how they should be. Or they might realise that this is not right and yet this is not enough for change to occur. Relationships One is going to feel responsible for how their friends, family, partner or colleagues feel. This is also going to include the people they are not close to; so the people they meet when they are out shopping and during the times when they are out socialising. It won’t matter if one has known someone for a few years or a few minutes, the same thing can happen. And this is going to have the potential to make interacting with others exhausting and one might even try to avoid relationships altogether. People Pleasing A habit one might have got into is pleasing others and displeasing themselves in the process. While they forget about their own needs and wants, it will mean that there is less chance of them upsetting others. They are not walking on stable ground, they are walking on eggshells. And there is naturally going to be extremes to this; for some people it might not affect their life too much and for others, it will make it hard for them to live the life they want. On Alert However, even if other people don’t make one feel responsible for how they feel, one could still take it personally. Even if another person doesn’t blame them in any way, one could still feel responsible. These feelings could arise through being around ones partner or a family member and yet they could also be the result of one watching TV. For example, a story may appear on the news and one instantly feels responsible and as if they are to blame in some way. Triggers So there will be what is going on externally and what is going on internally. Another person can say that one has made them feel as they do and one can come to this conclusion through their own interpretations. In this case, another person doesn’t need to say anything and all because one has come to this conclusion themselves. And along with the words that another person can use to trigger the experience of being responsible in someone, can be more subtle things. These could be: a smell, a certain look, how something is said and an item of clothing. Two Levels On one side there is what one’s mind believes and there is also what their body feels. Their mind will have formed numerous beliefs and one of these will be that they are reasonable for how others feel. And their mind is partly going to validate this belief and others, through certain feelings that appear. While it could be that one has learned this during their adult years, it is more likely to be something they learned as a child. Childhood During these formative years, one will have had at least one caregiver that didn’t take responsibility for their feelings. And whenever they were angry or upset for instance, one was made to feel responsible. This could have been done through them saying that one was the reason they felt as they did or just by one taking it that way. At such a young age, one wouldn’t have had the ability to question if they had anything to do with it or not. And being self centred is normal at this age and one would have taken just about everything personally. Consequences Through experiencing this so many times, one would have formed beliefs and how they felt during these experiences would have stayed trapped in their body. These feeling could include: fear, guilt, shame and rejection. These early experiences could have caused one to believe that they can only be accepted if they are responsible for how other people feel. And if one was to change this and develop boundaries, it might trigger the fear of being abandoned and even death. Awareness Untimely, one needs to from boundaries and to realise what they are responsible for and what they are not. And this means that they will need to change their beliefs and to release the trapped feeling and emotions in their body. As their beliefs are changed and their feelings and emotions are released, one will no longer feel responsible for how other people feel. One can be assisted in this process through a therapist, healer or a coach. Reading about this area and then gradually applying what one has learnt is another option.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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