Many words and phrases have been used to describe the true self, and while these differences do exist, they are simply labels. Underneath these labels is the same thing, and this relates to someone’s true needs and wants. The true self has been portrayed as something that is fixed, and based on this, one simply needs to let go of what doesn’t serve them. Through doing this, one will gradually begin to realise their true self. And in some ways this outlook would be accurate: letting go of what is not true is the only way for one to embrace what is true. However, to see the true self as something that is fixed would not be accurate. Change This is because change is part of life and what is true for someone at one point in their life is not necessarily going to be true at another point. A more accurate way of seeing the true self then, would be to say that not only does someone have to find it, they also have to stay in contact with its ever evolving nature. It is then not something that one must find and that’s the end of it; it is something that one must connect with and listen to for the rest of their life. It’s an active process, and just because one has formed a connection to their true self at one stage in their life, it doesn’t mean that their true self will be the same in a few years time. Differences There could be minor differences, with one staying more or less the same or this could relate to someone who’s needs and wants have changed dramatically. And this could be due to: a change in career, the birth of a child, through moving to a new country or through completing a certain goal or project for instance. Stages Of Life As a child, one is going to have certain needs and wants. And as they grow up, some of these needs and wants are going to change. This will be the case when they become teenagers and then when they enter their twenties and thirties and so on. This is a natural part of human development. If one had the same needs and wants as an adult, as they did as a child, there is the chance that they will be unable to fulfil their adult needs and wants. They might not even be aware of what they are, let alone be able to fulfil them. Appearances Just because someone looks like an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like one. There is the chance that ones emotional development has been curtailed and this could make it difficult for them to know what they want and need. The only needs and wants they are aware of, or the ones that have the strongest impact on their life, could be their childhood needs and wants. And these could be needs and wants that other adults cannot meet, and therefore need to be grieved for example. Disconnected This shows that one can be out of touch with their true needs and wants as a result of a less than nurturing or abusive childhood. What this kind of upbringing can also do is cause one to only feel safe when they are fulfilling other people’s needs and wants. And if pleasing others is what feels safe, even though it will mean that one will have to deny their own needs and wants, there will be very little that they can do about it. Through this, one will gradually have to form a mask or a pseudo self and all because this is what will allow them to survive. Love The love they get will not be for who they really are, it will be for the person their caregivers want them to be. So one has two options, they can either wear a mask in order to be accepted and approved of or they can be themselves and end up being harmed, abandoned and rejected. This is not to say that one won’t be harmed, abandoned or rejected through wearing a mask, it is just that it increases their chances of survival. At this age, it is clear that they only have one option - and that is to wear a mask. Feeling Safe Through being brought up to meet the needs and wants of others, one can learn that this is the only way for them to survive. And should they follow their own needs and wants, they could feel that their survival is under threat. So all the time that one has these associations in place, it is going to be a challenge for them to embrace their true wants and needs. To embrace them, could cause one to feel that they will be: rejected, abandoned and that they will die. Awareness These associations can be made up of beliefs and trapped emotions. So through changing these beliefs and releasing the trapped emotions in one’s body, one will gradually begin to feel safe. One can be assisted here by a therapist or a healer. We are all different, and so what works for one person, might not work for another.
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Although feelings can be overlooked and seen as being unimportant, they are a vital part of who we are. They allow us to know what we need and want in each moment of our life, amongst other things. When someone is unaware of how they are feeling, they are disconnected from themselves. Through knowing how one feels, it will allow them to move towards what it is they want in each moment and from life in general, and to move away from what they don’t want in each moment and from their life in general. When one is out of touch with how they feel, it is highly likely that they will do things they don’t really want to do and end up in situations that are unhealthy or even dangerous. Unaware Now, one might be aware of when they are ignoring their feelings or it could be something they are completely oblivious to. And if one ignored them, it won’t matter if they are aware of them or not, as the outcome is going to be the same. Another thing that could happen is that one becomes aware of how they feel afterwards. At the time they don’t listen to their feelings, but once the situation is over, they are only too aware of what they were feeling. Two Options This could cause someone to become a ‘follower’. They are out of touch with their true feelings and so they will typically end up doing what other people want. And as they are disconnected from their true self; this is not much of a surprise. What this can also lead to is someone who comes across as a ‘leader’. This is not to say that this is someone who is in touch with their true feelings; it simply means that they don’t give off the impression that they follow others. But if one is out of touch with their true feelings, it won’t matter if they are a leader or a follower, as they won’t be living an authentic life. Another Look The follower can be someone who only feels safe and in control when they are doing what other people want. In this case, they can be aware of their feelings, it’s just that they don’t listen to them. Even though the leader could be completely out of touch with their true feelings, their feelings still drive them. These feelings are not likely to tell them what they need or want; what they will do is cause them to feel powerless or overwhelmed. In this case, they only feel safe and in control when they ignore how they feel. Both people can have feelings that they want to avoid, it is just that one person is more aware of the feelings that are informing them of what they want and need, and the other person is aware of feelings that are painful. Out Of Touch So whether one is a ‘follower’ and not going along with what is right for them, or a ‘leader’ who appears to be doing what they want, they are both in the same position. This means that while one person can be seen as unsuccessful and the other as successful, they are still out of touch with their true feelings. And this is going to stop them from being able to express their true self. Other people might see their behaviour as being who they are, but it is just a false self. While one may be used to it and have come to believe it is who they are, it is still an illusion. The First Person For the person who ignores their feelings and does what other people want, there is the chance that they are going to feel angry and frustrated about how things are. They could also end up feeling powerless and hopeless. But while they don’t want to act in these ways, it can be something that just happens. And though ignoring their feelings, they can also feel drained and that they have no energy. Living the life that one wants to live, could be replaced by living a life that someone else wants. The Second Person As this person ignores their feelings, they could come across as reckless or dangerous for instance. Other people could see them as lacking empathy and as being control freaks or tyrants. If they were to listen to their feelings, they would soon feel out of control. And this is because they have a build up of painful feelings in their body. They can not only feel disconnected from themselves, but also from others. In the eyes of others, they could be seen as strong and successful, but this can just mask the pain that they feel. This person can have problems with energy and feeling alive, but this is usually dealt with through engaging in extreme sports, drugs, alcohol or a life that is filled with drama for instance. Awareness It will be important for the person who ignores their feelings to feel that it is safe for them to listen to them. And what happened in their childhood could be why they don’t feel safe. One may have been abandoned, rejected, or harmed if they didn’t do what other people wanted. And as these associations still exist in one’s body today, they stop them from being able to live their truth. For the person who is disconnected from their feelings, it will be important for them to release the emotional baggage that they carry. As this emotional pain is released, one will begin to form a better connection to their feelings. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Love is something we not only want to receive from others; it is something we need to receive. And while love can mean different things to different people, the love that I am talking about here relates to: affection, kindness, support, validation, touch and compassion. This can be something one receives from their partner or lover, and it can also come from friends and family. It can even come from someone that one meets on the street, on a night out or on holiday for instance. Different Sources So it is not limited to one person, it can be something one experiences from many differences sources. That’s if one is open to these different sources, if they are not, it won’t matter who is offering love. Through being able to receive love from more than one person, there is going to be less pressure on the people that one spends their time with. As if there was only one other person showing them love, it could cause one to want to much from them and this can cause the other person to feel overwhelmed. But if one is open and able to receive love from everyone and anyone, they are unlikely to place their focus on one person in particular. The need to receive love from others can also be counterbalanced by one’s ability to love themselves. Giving Through being able to receive love, not only will one feel better, they will also find it easier to give love to others. This is similar to breathing; where if one can’t breathe air in, they won’t have any air to breathe out. And when this is the case, it won’t be long until one loses their life. When one doesn’t have the ability to receive, they might not lose their life, but it going to create problems for them. By receiving in life, one is going to have more to give to others. And this relates to things which can’t be touched and to physical things. Normal So as receiving is so important to ones wellbeing and to their ability to give to others, it is inevitable that they are going to suffer. And yet this could be what is normal to them, even though it goes against how life functions. The Mind One might be aware of the fact that they need to be able to receive in order to give and that something is not right. Or they could end up being caught up by the stories that the mind creates. Here, the mind can cause one to: feel like a victim; that they don’t deserve to receive like other people do or that other people have something they don’t. And these conclusions, as well as others, can be taken as the truth. A Reason On one side then, this can seem to be something that is out of one’s control. The mind is therefore right and there is very little that one can do about it. However, the reason why one can’t receive is often the result of what is going on in their body and not the result of what it going on in their head. Whether one attracts something into their life or not, will all depend on if their body feel safe with it. If something doesn’t feel safe, there is very little chance of one attracting it. Or if they do attract something they don’t feel safe with, they will probably end up losing it before long. Associations The brain in our body, also known as the ego, forms associations around everything. And these associations will be the result of what has happened in ones adult years, as well as what took place during their childhood. For example: if one was to imagine what their life would be like if they could receive, it is likely to be a pleasurable experience. Being able to receive love is the difference between experiencing a life of connection, support and warmth and living a life of being alone and disconnected. A Deeper Look So years will have passed since one was a baby and child, and one’s mind may have forgotten all about what took place, but their body will have remembered. During these years ones caregivers may have not respected their boundaries and therefore caused them to feel: smothered, overwhelmed, trapped and violated. One then ends up fearing the very thing they need - love. Having their needs and wants met is something that could have caused them to feel powerless and that they have no control. What feels safe is not getting to close to anyone and through this, one won’t have to experience the feelings above. But even though they will avoid these feelings, they might end up feeling abandoned. Confusion And through losing touch with these early experiences and the feelings that were created, one can end up wondering why their life is the way it is. The feelings that these early experiences caused would have ended up being trapped in their body and one’s mind would have formed certain beliefs. Awareness So as these beliefs are changed and the trapped emotions are released, one will gradually begin to feel that it is safe to receive love or anything else for that matter. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
While some people feel accepted for who they are, there are other people who only feel accepted when they are pleasing other people. This could be something they are consciously aware of, or it could be something they are completely oblivious to. But there are going to be clear distinctions in how each person behaves. When one feels accepted for who they are, they are not going to have the need to please others people. At times they might do what other people want, but this will be a choice and not something they have no control over. Their value will not be based on whether other people accept them or not, it will be something they define. Pleasing Others Whereas when one only feels accepted when they are pleasing others, they are going to have do what other people want or what they think they want in order to feel valuable. Through doing this, they will believe that other people will accept them, and at times this may work. But this means that their value is defined by other people and is not something they have control over. They are giving their power away and allowing other people to control their life. This is not going to make one feel empowered and they are only going to suffer. Normal But even though behaving on this way is not enhancing ones wellbeing, it can be what is normal. One could have done this for their whole life or for most of it; it is then something they do without thinking. And while not pleasing others could cause one to feel worthless and that they have no value, when they do please others, it is likely to make them feel good. Their sense of self worth will rise and everything in their life could be fine for a while. Short Lived Even if one constantly does what other people want, they are still going to have moments when they feel worthless; simply because it is not possible to always please others. What pleases another person at one point in time could displease them at another. Human beings are changeable and therefore what they want and need is going to change from one moment to the next. So if one is constantly looking towards other people to define how valuable they are, they are not going to be standing on stable ground. Their emotional state could be all over the place and yet, this is to be expected. The ideal would be for someone to define their own worth and not to let other people define it. Value What one person classes as valuable is not necessarily the same as what another person does. For example, one person might come to the conclusion that what another person does is valuable. If someone else was to come across the same person, they might say that what they do has no value. These views are going to be subjective in nature, and will depend on what each person values and/or what their current needs and wants are. But just because another person doesn’t believe in the value that one has, it doesn’t mean that that they have no value. The only thing it means is that they value something else, and as each and every one of us different, this is not much a surprise. What this shows is that it is not possible for one to be perceived as valuable by everyone. What happened? While letting other people defines one’s self worth might be normal, it didn’t just happen. There is a reason that one looks to other people and this is likely to be due to what happened in their childhood years. During these years, there is the chance that one’s caregivers only offered them conditional love. This means that they were not loved for who they were; they were loved for what they did. It wasn’t possible for them to just be and to feel valuable through doing nothing; they had to do things in order to feel lovable. Affirmation At this age, what one needed was for their caregiver’s to affirm their value. To show one that their value is not based on what they do or what they achieve, it is an inherent part of who they are. And through being affirmed in this way, one wouldn’t have the need to please others in order to feel worthy. It would be something that exists within them and not something they need to attain from anyone else. Awareness So if one only feels valuable when they are pleasing others, it will be important for them to reach out for support. As a result of what happened as a child and what has continued to happen throughout ones adult years, one might have trapped emotions in their body that need to be released, and certain beliefs that need to be changed. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They can also provide the mirroring and attunement that one didn’t receive as a child and through this, one can start to realise their self worth.
Having needs is part of being human and this means that they can’t be overlooked or denied without certain consequences arising. This doesn’t mean that one will always have their needs met; this is not going to be possible. But if one’s life has taken on a pattern where their needs are rarely, if ever met, they are going to suffer. To expect to have them met all the time is also going to set one up to suffer. In order for one to have their needs met, they will need to be aware of what they are. And once they are aware of them, they will need to feel safe getting them met. Feeling Safe Because while one can know what their needs are, if they don’t feel safe having them, they are unlikely to do what it takes to fulfil them. As having needs is part of being human, it might sound strange that someone wouldn’t feel safe having them. Even though someone may look like an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like one. There is the chance that they will feel much younger; with their emotional age being way behind their physical age. Appearances An adult would be seen as being capable of getting their needs met, they are not dependent on pleasing anyone in particular in order to survive. But if one feels like a child, there is the chance that they will need to gain other peoples approval. Without it, one might not feel safe getting their needs met. Of course, as a child ones needs should have been accepted and yet there is also the chance that their needs were rejected. One could have then come to see that it wasn’t safe to have needs and that other people’s needs were more important. Time Many years will have passed and one may have even forgotten about what took place, but it doesn’t mean that anything has truly changed. They could still be in a position where they continue to neglect their needs and to focus on what other people need. Give And Take Now, life is about giving and taking and so taking care of other people needs is part of life. However, if one only takes care of other people’s needs and ignores their own, it is unhealthy. Focusing primarily on other peoples needs will mean that one is out of balance. The less one focuses on their own needs, the less energy they are going to have to be there for others. And while one might want to be there for others, if they are not there for themselves, it is never going to be too rewarding. Energy When one takes care of their own needs, there is a strong chance that they will feel energised. But if this doesn’t take place, it is going to be a challenge to feel energised and empowered. One could end up feeling: angry, frustrated and hopeless. So through putting other peoples needs first, one is not going to be as happy or impactful as they could be. One might not be completely aware of this or they could be, but it doesn’t mean that anything will change. The Reason On the surface one is suffering and their own life is being neglected, and yet, this is what feels safe. If they were to put their needs first and to put other people’s needs after that, it could cause all kinds of uncomfortable emotions, thoughts and images to arise. These could be the result of what took place during ones adult years, but they are likely to be the case of how one was brought up. What took place during these years doesn’t set one up to thrive; it sets them up to suffer. Childhood This could be due to one having caregivers who were self absorbed and out of touch with ones needs. One then had no choice but to place their attention on what their caregiver’s needs and wants were. It wasn’t something they choose to do; it was something they had to do in order to survive. And their mind could have come to form disempowering associations around their needs. One might see their needs as bad, feel guilty for having them, and believe that they don’t deserve to have them met for example. Associations So when one thinks about having their needs met or tries to get them met, it could cause certain associations to be appear. And all the time these are there, it is going to be a challenge for one to feel comfortable with their needs. These can be a combination of: beliefs, trapped emotions and images. This means that one will need to change their beliefs and release the trapped emotions in their body. Awareness This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach. And as this takes place, one will gradually begin to feel comfortable with their needs. It is important that one realises their needs are not something they need to deny or feel ashamed of.
When something is moving, it can be a lot harder to stop it. And yet when something is not moving, it can be a lot harder to get it going. If a boulder was rolling down a hill for example, stopping it could be extremely difficult. If this boulder was not moving, getting it rolling could also be extremely difficult. This shows how much of an impact momentum can have on something. Without it, more energy is needed to make something happen, and with it, more energy is needed to stop something from happening. Based on this understanding, the more momentum one has in their life, the easier their life will be. One won’t need to use as much effort and this is going to save them a lot of time and energy. Movement If one has done something for a while, the last action they took will propel them onto the next one. Through having this movement in place, one is more likely to carry on moving forward and towards their desired goal. Success can then become automatic and not something that one has to continually think about or plan. This can also then stop one from being distracted and their mind from getting in the way. Alternatively When there is no movement, one has to gradually build everything up. This is going to take a lot more effort than it would if there was movement. Of course, one is going to start something new form time to time and this means that they will have to gradually build everything up. This is part of life and can’t be avoided. But while this is the case, there is also the chance that one stops before they have allowed any kind of momentum to form. Or just as it begins to form, they stop doing what started it in the first place. Progress Making progress is then a challenge and one is faced with having to start form the same place all the time, or never really making any headway. At first, one might find that nothing changes, but if they keep going and allow the energy to build, this won’t be the case for long. One could have built up momentum in a certain area of their life and still find that progress is not being made, but it can be a lot easier to change track when the movement is there to begin with. The Downside However, just because someone has gained momentum, it doesn’t mean that they are moving in the right direction. Through having built up so much energy and as a result of being in the ‘zone’, it can be harder to notice when something is not working. There are pros and cons to most things in life, but at the same time, it is clear how important momentum is. Building up momentum is not going to happen overnight, but it will happen over time. Effort It is then won’t be just the effort that one puts it every time they do something, what they are doing will take on a life of its own. Ones efforts are then multiplied and other people can get the impression that one is therefore lucky or have something they don’t. When in reality, it is only because one is in the flow and this is something that can work for anyone. It just takes the commitment to keeping going and to not give up. Support This is why it is so important to have the right support and this can be from people, as well as books. These influences can keep one on track during those times when it is hard to keep going. And before long, one will soon see how much easier their life can be when they have momentum. So the sooner one starts to do something and continues to do it, the less time it will take for momentum to build. Awareness Knowing something is not the same as doing it. But if someone doesn’t know something, they won’t be able to do it either. If one is finding it hard to stick to something, it might mean that they are doing the wrong thing in life or that they need to reach out for the right support. The most important thing is that one does something and doesn’t allow their mind to stop them from moving forward.
While having complete control of one’s environment would be practically impossible, what is possible is for one to have some control over their environment. And in some ways, the more control one has, the more empowered they will feel. Control is often seen as something negative and as something one should let go off. But if one has no control of their body or their life for instance, it is unlikely that they are going to be in a good place. Separation Inherently, there is no separation between anything on the planet, and therefore it is nothing more than an illusion. But in order for one to have a unique experience on this planet, this illusion that the ego creates is essential. So through feeling separate, it is vital that one has a sense of personal power. Without it, one is not going to be able to fulfil their life purpose and to achieve what they need to achieve. This is not to say that one needs this personal power to realise things that have no benefit to mankind. Even though one wants to achieve things for their own benefit, it is highly likely that other people will also benefit in some way. Making A Difference As separation is an illusion and ones purpose has the power to enhance the lives of others, not having a sense of personal power is not only going to limit one’s own life, it is also going to limit how much of a difference one can make in the lives of other people. However, having the need or the desire to do something is one thing, but if one doesn’t feel that they have what it takes to achieve it or even to take the first step, it is unlikely that anything will ever happen. Differences For some people, personal power will be the only thing they have ever known. And for others, it will be something they won’t have experienced on a consistent basis. Perhaps one has never experienced it in their entire life, and has always felt as though they have no impact whatsoever. So this means that it can relate to ones whole life or it can just include certain areas. But even though it might not affect ones whole life, the affect it does have in one area could overflow into every other area. Needs And Wants To have personal power means that one has the ability to get their wants and meet met. This doesn’t mean that one will always get them met; it means that they will have the ability to have them met. When one doesn’t get them met, it might be overlooked or ignored, or simply accepted. And when one doesn’t have this ability, not having their needs wants met is going to be all too familiar. One may have become accustomed to feeling: angry, frustrated, powerless and hopeless. And as they feel this way and their reality continues to offer them the same experiences over and over again, it is to be expected that one would believe that they have no effect on their environment. Another Angle But although one may believe they have no effect on their environment, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. The mind is constantly filtering ones reality based on what they believe. So if one believes they have no effect, this is what they are going to experience. Their external reality then reinforces what they believe and they can end up in a negative cycle. While this belief is inherently inaccurate, it is there for a reason. And at one point in this person’s life, something happened and this caused them to form the belief that they have no effect on their environment. Causes If this is something that has been a challenge for most of one’s life and is something that one can seem to change, it could mean that it is due to what happened during their childhood years. Although the mind can forget about what took place all those years ago, the body will have remembered. And the emotional experience that one had during those years could have stayed in their body. Childhood As a baby and then as a child, one is completely dependent on their caregivers. So whether ones needs and wants were met or not will have depended on how aware ones caregivers are. Through having caregivers that respond to ones needs wants, one will have been able to feel a sense of personal power. However, if ones caregivers did not respond to their needs and wants, one wouldn’t have been able to feel a sense of personal power. And this is going to have caused one to feel: abandoned, powerless and hopeless, amongst others things. Consequences As ones caregivers were so unaware, there is the chance that these feelings would have stayed in their body. And, based on what happened and how one felt as a result, it is to be expected that their mind would believe they have no affect on their environment. At this time, it was the truth, and the reason why one continues to recreate this early experience of having no control is because the emotional experience is still in their body. As they feel the same, it is also going to have an impact on how they behave. Through feeling this way, one might not bother doing certain things and this could lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. These early experiences would have created certain expectations, and one of these expectations would have been that other people don’t respond to their needs and wants. Awareness One could change their beliefs, and this might be enough. However, if one has trapped emotions in their body from these early experiences, just changing beliefs is unlikely to be enough. One will need to get in touch with their trapped emotions and release them. This might require the support of a therapist or healer; as if one was to do this by themselves, it might be overwhelming.
If human beings were not interdependent, it wouldn’t matter if other people were available to meet their needs. This is not to say that someone’s need’s can only be fulfilled by other people; this would be inaccurate and a sign of dependence, not interdependence. A child on the other hand, is unable to take care of their own needs and so they are dependent on their caregiver/s. But as an adult, one is not dependent on others, in most cases, and this means that they can take care of some of their own needs. So there will be certain needs that one can take care of themselves, and other needs that one will need other people to take care of. This is why independence is the appropriate term and not independence or dependence. Today’s World It is not uncommon for someone to say that they are independent and in some ways this will be accurate. With one not being dependent on anyone in order to survive, it is clear they are not dependent. When someone is dependent, they are still reliant on other people for their own survival; they have not yet developed the ability to support themselves. Being independent can then be seen as what everyone should aspire to. And if being dependent is seen as the only other option available, then this is not much of a surprise. But while one person might be completely reliant on other people to take care of their needs, even if one is independent, they are still reliant on other people and the planet in general. The Difference The primary difference for someone who is independent is that they have been able to develop their personal power. When it comes to the dependent individual, they have not yet been able to realise their personal power. It could be said that one person still feels like a child and that to a certain degree, the other person feels like an adult. And as the person who is independent has been able to build up their personal power, there is the chance that they won’t have any trouble getting their needs met. Balance On one side, one will be able to take care of some of their needs themselves, and on the other side, one will be empowered enough to ask other people to fulfil the needs that they can’t fulfil. However, if one has not realised their personal power and therefore feels dependent on others, there is the chance that they will not only believe that they can’t full their needs, but that they will believe that other people can’t either. The Opposite While one person can come across as dependent, and appear needy and powerless, it is also possible for someone to come across as being the complete opposite. This doesn’t mean that one doesn’t feel needy or powerless; it means that they are able to cover up their true feelings. So even though one person will be seen as being unable to get their needs met and another person could be seen as being more than capable, they could both be in the same position. Each person is then in the same position and therefore has trouble getting their needs met. Expectations When one has realised their personal power, they are going to have the expectation that other people will meet their needs. They won’t expect others to fulfil all of them, only the ones they can’t fulfil themselves. If one hasn’t realised their power, there is the chance that one won’t expect other people to fulfil their needs. They might believe that their needs are unimportant and they don’t deserve to have them met for instance. And if this is the outlook that one has; it is going to be a real challenge for them to have their needs met on a consistent bases. Having needs could feel like a burden. Conflict However, as human beings are interdependent and can’t do everything by themselves, it can be hard to comprehend why someone would believe that their needs are a problem. Having needs should not be something one feels guilty about; it should be something that they feel comfortable with. And when it comes to how comfortable one feels with their needs and whether they expect other people to fulfil them, it is typically due to what happened during their childhood years. Childhood As a child, ones needs and wants could have been ignored and denied and one may have ended up taking care of their caregivers needs and wants. One then comes to see their needs as something they need to hide or ignore, and that other people are incapable of meeting them. This is not healthy though, as to have needs is perfectly normal and part of being human. So through these experiences, one forms an internal mage that is going to create pain. Consequences These experiences would have caused one to experience a lot of emotional pain and to from certain beliefs on top of the pain. When these beliefs are changed and the emotional pain is released from one’s body, one will gradually begin to see their needs in a different light. Awareness This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. And as this work is done, one will start to feel comfortable with their needs and expect other people to meet them.
When it comes to behaviours that will have a negative impact on one’s life, trying to please others is high on the list. And this doesn’t relate to pleasing others on the odd occasion, it relates to trying to please others all of the time. To set out to please people every now and then is unlikely to cause too many problems for someone. But if this was something they did all of the time, it is going to have a missive impact on their life. All the time one is pleasing other people, they are neglecting their own wants and needs. So while pleasing others may allow one to feel accepted; it is never going to allow one to feel fulfilled. Neglect What one focuses on in life, is what grows. So through one ignoring their needs and wants, their life is inevitably going to suffer. By focusing on other people’s needs and wants, one might have no idea as to what it is they want or need in life. This is similar to what can happen when one works for someone else, instead of working for themselves. The others person’s vision is gradually realised through ones efforts, and while this is taking place, one’s own vision can remain unrealised. Of course, the others persons vision can reflect the vision that one has themselves. Just how pleasing others could be a consequence of one pleasing themselves. In these examples, one is pleasing others, but this is not their primary purpose. Criticism When someone tries to please others all of the time, they could be looked upon as lacking courage or the ability to live their own life. But while this is easy to do and may appear to be an appropriate judgement, there can be more to this than meets the eye. As an adult, it is clear that one no longer needs other people’s approval to live their life. If they were a child, gaining the approval of others would be necessary. And all because one is still dependent on other people in order to survive. Childhood During ones childhood they would need to receive the approval of their caregivers. Ones survival is based on pleasing them, and if they don’t get it, they would probably die. So at this age, pleasing others is absolutely essential and not something that one can live without. Ideally, this approval would have been given freely and without any conditions being in place. One then learns that they can be accepted for who they are and this is not something they have to earn. The Absence However, for some people, approval is something that they only received when they were meeting certain conditions. One then learns that the only way for them to survive is by pleasing other people. Their needs and wants are then secondary, and the needs and wants of others are primary. This could cause one to become disconnected from what it is they need and want, and if pleasing others was the only way they felt accepted, this is to be expected. At such a young age, one would have done just anything to be accepted. So if that meant losing touch with ones true self, then so be it. But while this allowed one to survive as a child, it is going to create challenges as an adult. Feeling Safe These interactions would have formed certain associations in one’s mind; this would relate to what is safe and what is not safe. And if one was only approved of when they pleased others, this is what their ego mind would come to associate as what is safe. When it came to pleasing oneself, this wouldn’t have felt safe. And this could be due to what happened if one didn’t do as they were told. One may have been rejected or abandoned, or even abused if they didn’t please the people around them. Conflict So pleasing others is then seen as the only way to survive. But while this is what feels safe, it is going to create conflict. The need to meet one’s own needs and wants is not going to disappear: simply because these are part of one’s nature and need to be fulfilled. All the time these needs and wants go unfulfilled, it is unlikely that one will feel empowered or that their life is on track. This means that these associations will need to be changed, as this takes place, one will begin to realise that they don’t always need to please others to survive. Awareness The associations that the mind has formed will be a combination of trapped feelings and beliefs. These early experiences would have caused one to experience certain emotions, and based on these emotions and what happened, one’s mind would have formed different beliefs. Through questioning these beliefs and releasing the trapped emotions in one’s body, the need to always please others will gradually begin to disappear. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
When it comes to describing someone who has the need to have complete control over every part of their life, the term control freak is often used. To experience a certain amount of control is not enough, the only thing that will do is having complete control of everything. And while control can be seen as ‘negative’, it is something that each and every one of us needs. If one had no control over their body for instance, life would be a real challenge. It will also be important for one to have a sense of control when it comes to the external world. Through one having an impact on what takes place in their life, it will enable one to experience personal power. Self Control This is not to say that one will always have the impact they desire, but at the same time, it doesn’t mean that one won’t have any impact either. At times, this could mean that one’s impact is simply based on how they chose to respond to what happens. External Control When inner control doesn’t exist for someone, there is going to be a greater need for external control. And as to how much control someone needs on the outside, can all depend on how little control they feel on the inside. One could have the need to control every aspect of their life and be unable to let go. Or it could just apply to certain areas of their life or when they are around certain people for example. Letting Go To let go would mean that one would have to give up their need to be in control and this would require trust. But one reason why someone would need to experience complete control is because they have lost the ability to trust in the process of life. Letting go is not seen as something that could enhance their life and bring about an outcome that was even better than the one they expected; it is something they need to avoid at all costs. Through keeping a watchful eye on what happens and making sure that nothing is left to chance, its stop one from feeling vulnerable. By holding on, one is able to maintain emotional control. Consequences But while this allows someone to maintain a sense of emotional control, there are inevitably going to be consequences. For one thing, life is not something that one can have complete control over; what one can have complete control over is how they respond to what happens. Is not going to be possible for one to relax and this means that their stress levels are likely to be high, on most, if not all occasions. One could also stop themselves from experiencing anything new or different; with a lot of what happens being planned and expected. And when things don’t go to plan, as they often won’t, painful emotions are likely to appear. This could result in one becoming even more controlling, and creating even more of the same scenarios in the process. Behaving in this way is not likely to endear one to other people either. This could cause other people to feel violated and that they are unable to be themselves. The people in one’s life could end up walking on eggshells, and one could end up pushing people away. Emotional Regulation So when someone is this way, it is clearly going to lead to a lot of problems. Logically one might realise that what they are doing is not helping, and is therefore something they need to stop. But knowing something intellectually is not the same as knowing something emotionally. When one lets go and doesn’t try to control something, they are likely to experience certain emotions. Through being in control, one is able to regulate how they feel; this will cause their painful emotions to be pushed out of their conscious awareness. Possible Causes Now, these painful emotions didn’t just appear out of nowhere, they are likely to be the result of an experience that was traumatic. It could also be due to a number of minor experiences that caused pain over time. This could have been something that caused one to feel powerless and as though they had no control. And while the experience is over, the emotional experience is still in one’s body. These emotions are then defining how they perceive life and therefore, how they behave. Change One approach could be for one to change how they behave, and for some people this may work. However, the emotional experience will still be in one’s body and so there is going to be resistance. Another approach would be to release the trapped feelings in one’s body. As one does this, the need to control everything is likely to subside. Awareness This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. The mind can have no idea as to why one behaves as they do, but the body is where the answers are likely to be found.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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