In today’s world, it is not uncommon for women to be in positions of great power and responsibility. They often have more control in their career and relationships and are not as limited as previous generations were. This is not to say that this sense of inner empowerment has become the norm for all women. Some will find it relatively easy to stand up for themselves and others won’t. Or it could only be a challenge when it comes to certain contexts and at other times it could be fine. But even if it is just a challenge in one area of a women’s life, it could affect their wellbeing and end up causing problems in other areas of their life. Having the ability to say no is part of having healthy and functional boundaries. When these are not in place, one can end up saying yes when they should be saying no and saying no when it might be better to say yes. Uncomfortable To feel uncomfortable saying no is going to create challenges for a woman. What will feel comfortable will be to say yes or no when it is not in their best of interests. On the odd occasion this is unlikely to affect their wellbeing and yet it will be a problem when it has become a pattern in their life. This could then be something they are aware of and notice on a regular basis or something that takes place out of their awareness. So at the time they may be out of touch with their true needs and after it has taken place, they soon realise that their response wasn’t right. And upon reflection, they might begin to see that it is only affecting certain areas of their life or perhaps it is a general challenge they are experiencing. Support If a woman is having difficulties in standing up for herself, it is clear the she will need to receive some kind of support or guidance. It is human nature to look towards others when it comes to how one should behave and in what is or is not appropriate in thought, word or deed. However, even though some kind of help is needed, it doesn’t mean that it is available for the woman. This could be the result of being in environment where other women have the same problems. Or they could observe other women standing up for themselves and think to themselves how it is not possible for them to do the same thing. These women could be classed as different in some way and as having something they do not have. Perhaps the role that they play of being unable to say no in certain situations or in general has become their identity. There is then no thought about it being a choice, it is simply who they are and how life is. Examples So some women will have a certain area where they should say no and they don’t and others could have a whole life like this. And this can relate to the relationships they have with: family, colleagues, partner/lovers, their children and even with people they just meet. Family When it comes to family, they might just allow them to walk all over them and end up endlessly compromising who they are. To stand up for themselves would cause them too much tension. And while they do suffer by not saying no, going along with what their family want seems easier. If this is not a general problem, then it could relate to one or two areas. In these areas they feel wide-open and unstable to stand their ground. Colleagues This can also apply to a woman’s boss if they have one, as well as their colleagues and the people who are in the same working environment. If they are in a high level position or want to be saying no at the right times will be vital. By being unable to say no, it could sabotage their chances of rising into a higher position or cause them to be walked over by their colleagues or boss. Frustration could ensue, as well as a feeling that one is not being respected and won’t achieve what they are capable of. Partner/Lovers This could relate to a woman not wanting to engage in a certain sexual activities or something less intrusive, but a violation nevertheless. Doing what their partner wants is the norm and what they want is then secondary. For some women this could include letting a man touch them when it is not appropriate. And in fulfilling a man’s sexual needs when that is not want they truly want. The man in question could be their partner/lover or someone they meet on a night out for instance. Conflict On one level there is the need to say no and on another level it doesn’t feel safe to do so. Depending on what the situation is, it could be a matter of life or death. If a woman is with a man that is abusive, saying no could lead to serious problems. But even if it is not as extreme as this, there might still be incredible anxiety and fear that arises. So it is highly likely that at some stage in this woman’s life she learnt that saying no and affirming her boundaries in general, was not safe. What was safe was to please another; even when it meant displeasing themselves. Causes While this could be a consequence of what has happened throughout their adult years, it is commonly due to how they were treated by their primary caregivers. What happens later is then just a reflection of these early years. How their father treated them; their mother and the other women who were around at this time will have had a big impact. At this time it may not have felt safe for the woman to stand up for herself and to embrace her own needs and wants; what felt safe was to go along with what her father wanted. The Ego Mind Their ego mind would have associated these experiences as what is familiar and therefore what is safe. And it won’t matter that these ways of behaving are not healthy or functional. So as an adult, the woman will continue to recreate these early experiences. Either by: attracting people who mirror these associations or by projecting them onto people who don’t reflect the past. Awareness Although time will have passed and the woman is no longer the child she once was; these experiences can remain in their body. This can be in the form of trapped emotions, feelings and sensations. And as these are released from the body their ego mind will no longer associate saying no as being unsafe and familiar. One will begin to feel safe saying no and standing their ground. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer, who will allow one to get in touch with what is trapped in their body and gradually release it.
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Information can be empowering and disempowering and what one person finds useful might not be seen in the same way by another. But with personal opinion aside, information is vital for the growth of an individual and for humanity as a whole. Without it, very little would change and regression, not progression, would be the only thing that could occur. Although information is important and something that needs to be embraced; there has to be an element of discernment. This means that one wont doesn’t simply believe everything they hear or go to the other extreme and not believe anything that they hear. To be too open is going to create problems and to be too closed is not going to be much better either. In the first instance, one might learn lots of things, but they will be wide open to anything and everything. And in the second example, one won’t learn anything new and could end up being stuck. The Information Age It has been said for many years now that we live in the information age. And this means that there is no shortage of information; as long as one has access to the internet or facilities that are often found in western countries. Such as a: library, book store, college, university, television and radio. While there are clearly many benefits, there are also things that one has to watch out for. This is true of most things in life; where there are pros, there are typically cons. And when the quantity of something rises, the quality typically goes down. As the world is full of information now, it is incredibly important for one to use their intellectual boundaries. But regardless of the current age and what this brings, the need to monitor what one allows into their mind has always been there. The Media Before the internet was around, one of the primary sources of information was the mainstream media. This was through: television, radio, magazines and newspapers. Even though the mainstream Medias influence is not as strong as it once was for some people; it is just as strong as it has always been for others. And what was expressed through these different sources was accepted as the truth back then and still is to this day. It is not questioned or weighed up against other factors or possibilities; it is seen as the absolute truth. Fortunately, one can now hold in their mind what they have picked up and see how this matches up to other viewpoints on the internet for instance. Instead of internalising everything they hear and allowing it to become a belief that might define their life. Experts To be human means that one is not perfect and although some people are classed as experts in a certain area, it doesn’t mean that they will always be right. There might be the expectation that they are, but in reality this is not possible. And yet just because someone is viewed as an expert or an authority figure, it can be taken as permission for someone to switch of and believe everything that this person comes up with. This is not to say that they have some kind of malicious intent and want to brain wash people. Even if what they say is classed as right by some people, it doesn’t mean that it is right for everyone or that one shouldn’t question what they are hearing or reading. These authority figures and experts could be: doctors, politicians, religious leaders, teachers, writers or journalists amongst other things. Intellectual Walls To be wide open is not the ideal and neither is being completely closed off. Here, one will have walls up when it comes to new information or information in general. If it is coming from certain sources one might accept it, but if it doesn’t it could be blocked out. So this could relate to someone who has always watched the mainstream news and when an alternate point of view is expressed, they dismiss or deny it. And this can relate to a whole host of mainstream ‘truths’ and outlooks. That can include different ideas on: health, relationships, happiness, success, wealth and nutrition. Causes There can be numerous reasons as to why someone would either believe everything they hear or have a closed mind. The current education system and the way news is presented play a big part in all of this. When one is at school they are not always taught to question things and have their own opinions; what they are encouraged to do is believe all that they are told. And the same applies for the mainstream Media; people are often given the impression that there is only one perspective. Childhood It could also begin during ones childhood and be the result how one was brought up. If one was validated for thinking for themselves, then this ability might develop. But if they were invalidated and rejected, it might have felt safer to not think and just go along with the views that were generally accepted. So they were not allowed to develop trust and confidence in their own ideas and views. Believing in others was the only thing that felt safe and was acceptable. As an adult, his might cause one to be over reliant on what other people think. One might have had a caregiver who was very authoritative, controlling and domineering and as a result of this, one closed themselves off from external advice or suggestions. In this situation, one wasn’t allowed to develop trust in what others had to say, what others had to say was met with fear and suspicion. But while it protected them where they were younger, it is stopping them from taking in information from others. The balance of being able to give and receive was affected by these experiences. It is also possible for someone to switch between the two extremes depending on the context. The Ego Mind To have a closed mind can be a way to avoid pain. For if one was to hear about an alternate view, it could result in them having to give up an outlook or identity that they have. The ego mind sees what is familiar as what is safe. So this can mean that although something might not be helping someone, to the mind it feels safe. And if this were to change it would be interpreted as death. Of course one is unlikely to die, but the mind will react in the same way. What matters to the ego mind is keeping things familiar and not embracing the truth or what might improve one’s life. And if one has always relied on what others think and has not come to trust their own discernment, it could lead to fear and a sense of uncertainty should one limit what they let in. This is what feels familiar and safe to their ego mind. Awareness Having healthy intellectual boundaries allows one to question what they let in and to be flexible enough not to block everything out. And if one has always accepted everything or had trouble letting things in, developing this kind of boundary may take a while. This is not to say that one needs to be perfect and or that they will always get this balance right. But over time one will notice a difference in what they let in and what they don’t allow into their mind.
There are some people who are described as being overly sensitive and highly empathic. And while this does lead to many benefits, there are also many challenges that arise from being this way. They can feel like sponges that pick up anything and everything that is going on in an environment. For others who are sensitive, but perhaps not to the same degree; they can be people who take everything to heart. One word, look or a certain tone of voice and one can feel emotionally overwhelmed. If the world was suited to this kind of person, it would make their lives a lot easier. And yet in a lot of cases, it is more suitable for people who feel numb and cut off from their feelings. Here, one is not in touch with their feelings, let alone sensitive, they are unable to feel. Two Extremes So even though both of these extremes carry challenges, to feel numb is more suited to the modern day world. This is not to say that this is an absolute truth and sensitive people have no place or that they can’t thrive. What it typically relates to is the corporate environment and to areas where people are out of touch with themselves. In these types of environments, it is not always seen as abnormal to be emotionally cut off from oneself and that masks are being worn; it is often seen as normal and how life is. Based on this, one could come to the conclusion that being sensitive is a bad thing and something that needs to be changed in some way. Two Types Of Criticism This could lead to some kind of self harm and one could feel a sense of shame for being this way. As they don’t match up to what most people are like, they could come to conclude that it would be easier to be like other people who are not sensitive. And while being like people who are not as sensitive might be easier in some instances, there are many benefits that one would lose. To be critical of oneself is one thing and it is another to receive criticism from others. One could receive all kinds of labels from others and if they are not sensitive themselves, this would be easy; because they are unaware of what it is like to be sensitive. And if one has not experienced something or they are not very empathic themselves, it can be difficult to really understand what another is experiencing. Some of the things that others could say is: one is too sensitive; that what they said was only a joke; they need to grow up; that they shouldn’t take things so personally; that they should just let it go and not get so worked up. Logic Now, these viewpoints that come out of another’s mouth can sound logical and one might even agree with them, but that’s about as far as it goes. If it was as easy as internalising these views and becoming less sensitive, then one would surely do just that. However, it is not as simple as this and so no matter what another person’s mind comes up with or what one thinks themselves, it’s not necessarily going to make any difference. The Other Option There are going to be some people who were sensitive at one point and then gradually ended up becoming insensitive. And this can cause them to be critical of people who are sensitive. These people could remind them of what they have denied within themselves Perhaps they resorted to alcohol, food, drugs or some kind of muscle building to tone down their sensitive side. So they went from being overly sensitive, to feeling very little in the majority of cases. Or one could go from one extreme to the other; sometimes feeling num and other times feeling extremely sensitive. This could depend on what is going on in this person’s life for example. Examples For the people who are overly sensitive, it could impact every area of their life or it could just include certain areas. One might not be able to handle any kind of feedback from others; whether it’s negative or constructive and given with the best of intentions. Relationship break ups could be another area that wipes this person out and leaves them completely overwhelmed. To be in places full of lots of people, loud noises or big crowds might be another hot point. People who are loud, forceful and or controlling could cause problems. One might do their best to avoid all conflict or confrontation and have difficulty standing up for themselves. To watch the news or to be in situations where people are suffering might be too much to handle. Reasons Now, there is going to be as number of reasons why someone is overly sensitive. For starters, their nervous system is different to someone who experiences life differently. One thing that can cause someone to have no control over their arousal level is when they have trapped emotions and feelings. And as they are trapped in one’s body, it can affect ones nervous system and cause one to have a heightened level of arousal; either at certain times or as a way of life. These could be from ones adult years and go right back to when one was a child and a baby. So this could be due to an event that was extremely traumatic or to an accumulation of minor events that caused pain for instance. And as these have remained in one’s body, one has very little choice in how they feel; it is then an involuntary reaction and not a conscious choice. Awareness This is not to say that one will lose their ability to be sensitive by releasing these trapped emotions and feelings. But it could mean that their arousal level will settle down and their nervous system will mirror this change. So although one will still be sensitive, they might no longer be overly sensitive. It could also result in one forming better boundaries to protect their sensitive nature. One can be assisted in this process by a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their feelings and emotions and gradually release them.
In the area of self development and recovery the term co-dependency have been used for many years. And this generally describes someone who is not interdependent or independent; they are completely dependent on others or on certain substances. This is something that can relate to every need that one can have. From the need to be: emotionally, physically and financially supported. There fulfilment is then only possible through relying on someone or something. One is not operating from a place of trust and personal empowerment and neither do they have healthy boundaries. What is in there place is doubt, disempowerment and the opposite of boundaries – enmeshment. This person sees this person or thing as being essential to their survival. If the person or thing were to be removed for a short time or completely, there is likely to be withdrawal symptoms. But while co-dependency is not a term that is familiar to everyone, dependency is something that the majority of people can understand. One might observe it in their own lives or in the lives of people they know or hear about through the media. Separation Whether it is about one feeling reliant on a person for emotional support or on a substance in order to handle each day, one is still separate from them. Another person will have their own needs and wants and one cannot become one with them. It might be possible for someone to feel emotionally connected and lose themselves in the process, but physically they are still separate human beings and always will be. So for as long as this person stays around they will be fine, but if they are not around, there will be problems. In the case of one being reliant on a substance, one needs to constantly consume it. There is no other option available. And when this substance is no longer available, all kinds of problems will inevitably arise. Examples When someone feels dependent, it will invariably relate to the relationships where they have the strongest emotional connection. So this means: family, friends, partner/lovers and children. Family To be dependent on one’s family could mean that one feels completely reliant on them for emotional and financial support for instance. This could result in one still living with their caregiver/s or living nearby and not going too far away from them. It would then include receiving money from them and if they didn’t receive this money, it could lead to one having financial problems and being unable to support themselves in life. Partner/Lovers In the situation where one is depended on their partner, it would feel that one’s whole life rests upon that person being there for them. And if they were not there, one’s life wouldn’t be worth living and they wouldn’t be able to survive. Children Although caregivers are adults and can have children who have grown in to adults themselves, they could feel that they are dependent on them. The roles have then reversed. This can relate to their adult child/children supporting them financially, as well as emotionally. Their purpose in life has remained attached to them and they have not emotionally grown out of this. And without them around, they could feel: empty, powerless, abandoned and lifeless. Survival So while each one of these examples covers someone different, the same dynamics are taking place. One has come to associate their survival as being attached to the other person. They have not realised their own sense of personal power and inner strength. Boundaries have not formed to allow them to know they are actually separate from the other person and that the person is separate from them. Emotionally they feel that they are one and the same and that there is no difference between them. Conflict While this person may be physically an adult, emotionally they are still seeing the world and behaving as if they were a child or even a baby. And when someone is an adult, they will be expected to behave like one. As a child or a baby, one will feel dependent on others and this is normal. However, if one is an adult and they still feel like a child or a baby emotionally, acting like an adult is unlikely to happen. So feeling a sense of personal power and having the strength to handle life is going to be a real challenge. Trapped Emotions And these trapped feelings and emotions can relate to a child or baby that that was abused and emotionally neglected for instance. Time has passed and ones physical body has grown, but what hasn’t changed is how one feels. These feelings can go right back to when one felt: powerless, hopeless, helpless, worthless, empty, suicidal, rejected and abandoned. It could be person that one has become dependent on someone or some kind of substance, but the reasons are still the same. They are allowing one to regulate their emotionally pain. If these people leave or the substances are not available, these trapped feelings and emotions will arise once more. Awareness These trapped feelings and emotions needs to be released form the body. Due to them remaining in one’s body, one has continued to feel as they did when they were dependent on their caregivers. As they are released, one will be able to embrace their inner power and strength. Boundaries will also form and one will see that there is only so much another person can give them and only so much one can give to another. Having a sense of self will be possible and one won’t need to enmesh with another person in order to have an identity and to feel supported. This process can be assisted with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and release them.
It can seem accurate to come to the conclusion that how one sees another will not have an impact on how the other person responds to them. So how one thinks, feels and the ideas that they have in their head, in relation to the other person, are then meaningless. This outlook would see the inner world as being separate and not having any influence on the outer world. And based on this, one could think, feel or develop any kind of inner outlook and it would be irrelevant. Here, one would simply be the observers of how other people respond to them. And this will include the people they are closest to: friends, family and lovers/partners. It will also go onto include: colleagues, managers and casual acquaintances. The way one sees the opposite or the same gender will also be unimportant based on this position. So whether their internal representation is positive or negative won’t matter either way. If their experiences of women and men are generally positive or negative, it could then be down to bad luck or one being unlikable. This Outlook While someone can believe this is true and that they have no affect on how others respond to them, it is unlikely to cause one to feel a sense of personal power. Especially if one is used to people responding to them in a way that is unpleasant for instance. The need to monitor what is going on internally is then not important, because it is not leading to anything. One might be open to them having an effect on how their close friends respond to them and yet when it comes to people they are not as close to, it could be dismissed. Behaviour However, how we see someone generally defines how we behave towards them. This can be behaviours that are clear and highly visible. And it can be behaviours that are not as clear or noticeable. So one can treat their close friends with respect and appreciation and these friends will usually respond in a way that mirrors this behaviour. Close Friends In order for one to act this way to towards them, their internal representation of them is going to primarily consist of positive associations. And for as long as one sees them in this way, they will continue to treat them in the same way. If a friend were to invalidate who they are or to criticise them for instance, as a one of or on a continual basis, their internal model might change. Of course, the other person’s behaviour is playing a part here. And through ones internal model changing, it could end up crating distance in the relationship; regardless of what the other person intentions were. Unawareness The example above is fairly obvious and easy to relate to. While one can be aware of how they see another and therefore how they feel towards them, this is not always something one is aware of. It is also possible for one to be disconnected from how they see someone. Or if they are not unaware of it, then perhaps they believe that is doesn’t make a difference. Their understanding could be that another person doesn’t know what is going on within them. But how one feels towards another is not always consciously communicated and neither is it always picked up by others at a conscious level. Subtle Signals The conscious mind can deny something and yet it can still come out in ways that can’t always be consciously controlled. Some of these ways are through: facial expressions, vocal tone, body language and eye contact. How someone feels towards another also gives off a resonance or energy; although consciously this might not be sensed, it is still giving off information. And this information will be responded to whether or not the other is consciously aware of it or not. Strangers When one meets someone they don’t know, it could be said that they don’t have an inner representation in this instance. However, while some people may be strangers, the mind will typically label them in a certain way. This labelling will then define how they communicate and therefore play a big part in how the other person responds. Associations will be triggered when one sees the other person and these will have a significant impact. These associations can end up becoming projections and represent how this person is, regardless of if they are accurate or not. Men And Women When it comes to the experiences men and women have in regards to the opposite sex and in how they are responded to, it can appear random and out of their control. But if they took a closer look at how they feel towards the opposite sex and the internal model they have; it may give them some clues as to why men or women continually respond to them in certain ways. Being Right To be right is essential to the ego mind, for to be wrong would mean death. What is familiar, is what is classed as safe to the ego mind and when one is wrong it is interpreted as being unfamiliar. So even though ones association of another person might be inaccurate and not lead to one dying if they are wrong, the mind will still operate in the same way The minds focus is on survival and not on seeing others without projections and constructed ideas. Even though these ideas could be wrong about someone, if one sees someone in a certain way, they will often react to that idea. And even if they don’t, one’s ego mind will filter out anything that goes against the outlook that they have. So whether another person does react to the idea or not, won’t matter, as one’s mind has become fixed. A change in perspective is then impossible, until one changes their mind. Awareness It is often said that if one sees the best in someone, they will generally respond. And as a big part of how someone does respond to us is based on what we are communicating, this becomes a lot easier to comprehend. This is not to say that one is completely responsible for how others respond to them or that one needs to dismiss their experiences or true feelings towards someone. What it does bring to light, is how powerful our mid is in shaping the kind of interactions we have with people we are familiar with and the people we are not familiar with.
There is wide spread exposure when it comes to people who are attention seekers and these people can be labelled as having certain unhealthy narcissistic traits. One can come into contact with people who are like this in their local area and as well as in the mainstream media. It is only human to want attention and while there is nothing unhealthy or dysfunctional about this need, some people are operating from the other extreme. They constantly need it and are only happy when they are getting it. However, while this is something that stands out and is easy to spot, there is another type of behaviour that is not as visible. And it is probably because this way of acting goes under the radar and doesn’t cause as many problems. Here, one doesn’t seek attention from others, they actively avoid it. Each moment is then not a chance to be seen, it is a chance to remain unseen and to even hide. There is naturally going to be different degree to this type of behaviour and this means there will be different consequences as a result. The Distraction As attention seekers are usually the focus of people’s attention, people who are the opposite of this can easily be forgotten. Just because human beings have the need for attention, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable receiving attention. There will be some people who are more comfortable than others. It might also be easy to assume that these people are that way because of how they look or because they are more skilled or competent than others. The people who are attention seekers are not always defined as being worthy of the amount of attention they receive or that they have earned it. And the ones who avoid attention can be extremely competent, attractive and deserve to receive attention for what they do. So the amount of attention that someone receives is not always in alignment with what they have contributed to the world; it is typically based on how comfortable they feel with attention. Areas Of Life To receive attention in ones primary relationships will be important for ones wellbeing. This can be from: family, friends and ones partner for instance. In many ways, this will be the foundation and where the main source of attention will come from. And as an extension of this will be the attention that one gets in their career and through what they contribute to the people around them and to the world in general. This can go onto include what one does for their local community and charity work for instance. The Block Although this is essential to ones wellbeing, if one is uncomfortable with attention; they might not be able to accept and receive what they truly need. So while the need is there and won’t just go away, it will be denied and end up going unmet. A Real Challenge This is not to say that someone’s life will be completely void of attention; for some people this may only apply to certain areas of their life. When it comes to one’s personal relationships with their family, friends and partner, they could feel comfortable with attention. And yet their career could be an area where they don’t feel comfortable with attention and therefore can’t accept the recognition that they deserve. Or one could feel completely comfortable with experiencing recognition and praise in their career and not have the same experience when it comes to their personal relationships. In this example, one might not feel comfortable with receiving attention from the opposite sex. And then there will be people who don’t feel comfortable with attention in general and there whole life will be a real challenge. Conflict As attention is a natural need and something each one of us needs and wants, it can seem strange that someone would avoid it. For some, constant attention is not enough and for this person, attention in general can be too much. And the reason this person avoids attention completely or in certain areas of their life, is due to the meaning they have. This is unlikely to be a meaning that is supportive or empowering. Meaning So as their meaning is not positive, it can cause them to think of attention as something they don’t deserve and are unworthy of at an intellectual level. And at a deeper level, it could be due to feeling that they will be: overwhelmed, trapped, attacked, smothered, humiliated, rejected and abandoned if they do receive attention. This is because intellectually one can come to the conclusion that they are a victim and that someone or something is against them, but at a deeper level there is often a benefit to what is taking place. These deeper feelings that one has are what is causing one to sabotage attention in their life. One is therefore avoiding attention as a way to protect themselves and to stay safe. Ego mind At some point in this person’s life, their ego mind formed the association that receiving attention is unsafe. This is then what feels familiar and comfortable. Although this association is causing one to suffer now, it was created for a reason. And when it was created, it would have kept one alive. It can be blamed now for causing problems, but it was a matter of survival at one point. Possible Causes This can be the result of what has happened to someone in their adult years and what took place when they were a child and a baby. Perhaps one had a caregiver that was emotionally unaware and abusive. So when one did get attention, it was typically due to them being harmed in some way and not because they were being accepted and appreciated for who they were. Ones might have had a caregiver that wanted the attention to always be focused on them and so one had to go without. It could be due to ones caregivers being highly critical and the only way to avoid this criticism was to remain unnoticed as much as one could. Attention then became something that feels intrusive and overwhelming and not something to be embraced. Awareness When one lets go off their emotional past that remains trapped within them, they will be able to embrace a healthy level of attention. So they will not longer have to avoid it and they won’t need to constantly seek it either. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and gradually release them.
No matter what area of life one looks at, there will be examples of abuse. And this can be abuse that is easy to spot and abuse that is more subtle in nature. There are some things that stand out more than others, but this doesn’t mean that what is not seen or recognised as abuse is any less severe. This can relate to: situations in the work place; in personal relationships; behind closed doors in families and this can also include child abuse; between different countries and even the abuse that is directed towards the planet and animals for instance. Generational Abuse It is often said that abuse can be passed down from one generation to another. And what one experienced during their childhood, will be passed on their children and the people they come into contact with throughout their life. At the time of this abuse, the person who is being abused, experiences the pain firsthand and often declares to themselves that they would never do it to another person. In some cases, this will go onto become a foundation of their life and something they will do their best to uphold. One will be mindful of how they are treating others and get the support and assistance they need to put an end to this pattern. However, there are numerous other examples of people who were abused and yet go on to abuse others in ways that look identical or very similar. What this person went through and the pain it caused has not made a difference. As a result of this, the same style of behaviour takes place once more. The Primary Cause And although abuse can take place due to what happened to someone in their later life, in the majority of cases, it is because of what occurred in their childhood years. It is during these moments that will typically define whether one will go on to abuse other people or not. Inner And Outer The kind of abuse this leads to can vary, but it will take on some shape or form. It might even be directed inwards more than it is directed outwards; so one ends up abusing themselves more than they abuse other people. It is possible for external abuse to be seen by others, as long as they are around to see it or if they can pick up on the consequences of it. Either through what the person communicates or based on their state of mind and how emotionally stable they are for example. Inner abuse on the other hand, is not always something that can be seen externally. It can be covered up through many different defences and guises. There are lots of things that one can do that look normal and acceptable to others and upon deeper inspection, can be a sign of self abuse. Two Sides So through what happened to someone either through being abused as a child or in later life, they were made to feel some kind of pain. This could have been fairly painful at times and even extremely traumatizing at other times. For some people it will be pain that is expressed outwards more than it is expressed in words. And for others, it will be expressed inwards more than it is expressed outwards. But this can depend on the context and how one feels for instance. The Ideal The Ideal would be for one to seek support through: a family member, therapist, healer or a support group for example. Through this support, one could release this pain from their body and in doing so; there would not be the need to keep the pain in or to express it through being abusive to others. While this is the ideal, it is not something that usually takes place. What usually happens is that this emotional pain ends up being trapped in the body; simply because it is not safe for one to feel their pain and release it. Mind Over Body In order for one to deal with the abuse that is being directed towards them, they can end up being cut off from the feelings and emotions into their body. Not only might it not be safe to express how they feel, it can also be too overwhelming to feel it. Feelings are rarely embraced for what they are; in some environments there will be feelings and emotions that are acceptable and ones that are not. The ones that are not acceptable have to be denied and they will stay in the body. If one could express their feelings and go with them, they would be released from the body, instead of ending up being trapped there. But in order for this to take place, one would have to be in a healthy environment and not an abusive one. Trapped Emotions These feelings and emotions then become trapped in one’s body. But just because they are no longer known to the mind, it doesn’t mean they are not having an effect. The more that these feelings and emotions build up, the more powerful they will become. One can then end up acting in ways that they have no control over and are not even aware of. They are then not couscous human beings; they have become controlled by their own emotions and feelings. At first one can control them, but after while, one will end up being controlled by them. These feelings and emotions will be tantamount to intruders or parasites and one will no longer be in control of what they do or don’t do. Out Of Control What is the right or the appropriate way to treat another human being is then irrelevant; as a body that is full of trapped emotions and feelings will overpower the mind. The body wants to release these emotions and feelings in order to return to its natural balance, but when this process doesn’t take place in a healthy way, it can lead to one expressing them in ways that are abusive. Awareness It is perfectly clear that abuse of any kind of not right and the fact it is not right is not enough to stop abuse from taking place. Knowing something intellectually is one thing and it is something entirely different to know it at an emotional level. When these trapped feeling and emotions are released from the body, one will not have the need to act them out or act them in. This process can take place through the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to face them and then release them.
It is often said that no one is their own island and each one of us in interdependent. This not only applies to people; it also includes the earth that one lives on, the air they breathe and the sun that creates light and gives off energy for instance. There is always going to be people who are more self sufficient than others and people who live in the country can usually relate to this more than people who live in a city. But no matter where someone lives, they are going to depend on certain things. And one of the most important areas there is when it comes to one thriving or even surviving on this planet, is the relationships that one has with other human beings. This is because until robots can do exactly what humans do, other people are part of the process of one getting not only what they need, but also what they want in life. Win-Win Or Win-Lose Now, this is not to say that it is about manipulating others and therefore using them as a means to an end. It is simply an acknowledgment of other people being essential to ones existence. Of course, one could use another and gain exactly what they wanted; this would be a win-lose situation. However, the other person would go away feeling angry, compromised and taken advantage of. So in most cases, the relationship would be over or if it wasn’t, it soon would be. When situations are created that are win-win, each person gains something from the interaction and the relationship in general. There is nothing underhand about what is taking place and this means there is unlikely to be any negative consequences. The relationship will have the potential to stay where it is or to grow and develop. Whereas in the win-lose relationship, it can only end or be undermined by what has taken place. Balance And while some people have no trouble asking for help or assistance, whether it is a win-lose or win-win situation, there are others who feel uncomfortable doing so. This can include the close relationships one has with friends and that consist of giving and receiving. And it can involve people or company’s who one has to exchange money to, in order to receive something. When it comes to the help that one needs form their friends, partner or family, it can be completely different to the help that one requires from a company or some kind of business. At times, it can be easier to ask for help from people one doesn’t know, than from people they do know. This is partly due to there not being an emotional connection and so it is more impersonal. Once hasn’t opened themselves up to a company and are therefore less vulnerable to what their reaction is. It is often the people that one is closest to that create the strongest reactions within someone. Another key factor is that when one pays for something, they don’t feel needy or desperate. What they do feel, is a sense of power and control. Meanings To ask for help or assistance is part of being human, without it, one would struggle and suffer. If they were drowning for instance and didn’t ask for help, they might even die. In general, one might be able to carry on and achieve what they want without it. But it is going to be a lot harder than if one were to ask another person to support them. So to ask for help and support is neutral and not something to feel bad about. What will define whether one feels comfortable or uncomfortable asking for help, are the meanings that they have. Two Outlooks For some people, asking for help will not be a problem, and they will feel comfortable doing so. The need for them to struggle and strain will not be there, because it will feel safe to ask another person. This is not to say they will also get the help they need, but in the majority of cases they will. When one doesn’t feel comfortable asking for help, it will be the result of what this means to them. Here, one might feel: vulnerable, ashamed, desperate, needy, weak, incompetent, useless, inferior and incapable. And based on these meanings, one can deny that they need help and try to do everything themselves. Ego Mind At some point in one’s life, the ego mind will have learnt that it wasn’t safe to ask for help; what was safe was to pretend that one didn’t need help. At the time, this could have been a matter of survival, but as life has passed, it is simply causing one to suffer needlessly. This will define how one perceives reality and in who they attract and are attracted to. Perhaps one could project this outlook onto people when it doesn’t match up to how they really are. And at other times, people will reflect this outlook and validate ones feelings. Consequences So the ego mind would have created associations and the body would have felt certain feelings, as a result of not feeling safe to ask for help. This could be due to what has happened during ones adult life and what has took place when one was as a child and a baby. Asking for help is to do with one having needs and feeling comfortable having them. Needs are something everyone has and they are not something to feel ashamed of. Awareness In some cases it will be enough to simply change these associations through thinking differently. But in others, something more may be required. How one felt as a result of not feeling safe to ask for help, may have remained trapped in their body. So these feelings and emotions will need to be released. This can be done with the help of a healer or therapist who will allow one to face them and then release them. And as these associations change and the feelings and emotions are released, one will gradually feel comfortable asking for help.
One of the biggest challenges when it comes to acting in ways that are healthy and functional, is something known as compulsive behaviour. This is something that has received wide spread publicity in recent years. When someone behaves in ways that are compulsive, it means that they are not acting in a conscious manner. Here, they feel as though they have no control over what they do or don’t do. It’s as if they are possessed by some kind of force and are quiet simply powerless to change what is taking place. There are going to be some instances where this kind of behaviour is looked upon with acceptance and other times when it is seen as dysfunctional and unhealthy. Examples If one was to compulsively go to the gym or to engage in some kind of exercise, in the short term, it could be seen as productive. And yet if this went on for too long or started to have a negative impact on others areas of one’s life, it would be dysfunctional and unhealthy. When ones leaves their house and locks their door, it would be normal to check it at least once; on the odd occasion when doubts arise as to whether they have actually locked it or not. But if one was to go back to the door every time that they lock it and check the door five times for example, it is a sign that something is not right. Another common occurrence is around cleaning ones hands and cleanliness in general. To make sure one is clean and well kept can be a reflection of how much they respect and value themselves. However, if this is taken to the extreme and one is constantly washing their hands, then something is out of balance within. Emotional Regulation While these behaviours are not always functional and healthy, they enable one to feel more relaxed and at ease, at least for a short time. So one can feel a sense of anxiety, fear, shame or guilt and by behaving in these ways; it allows them to regulate their emotions. And as these behaviours repress the emotions and don’t deal with them, it means that these behaviours or rituals have to be performed constantly. This is why they become compulsive; for if one just did something once that would not be enough. Control What these compulsive behaviours allow is for the ego mind to feel a sense of control. Although one is clearly out of control, the mind is in control of being out of control. The ego operates through control; for to be out of control would be interpreted as death to the mind. This is because when something is familiar to the mind; it becomes what is classed as safe; so when something is out of control or unfamiliar, it will cause one to feel unsafe. Whether it is of functional or healthy is irrelevant. So in this instance, one’s mind has learnt to become comfortable through acting in ways that are compulsive. If one didn’t act in these ways, pain would be experienced and it wouldn’t feel safe. The ego mind has numerous defence mechanisms to avoid the pain that is coming up from the body. For if this pain was not dealt with by the minds defence mechanisms, it would lead to one being overwhelmed by emotions and feelings. Conflict But even though the mind does have these ways of dealing with pain, they are not long term solutions and are only short term solutions at best. And when this emotional pain is not dealt with, it will cause one to act in ways that they have no control over. A body that is full of trapped emotions and feelings is going to be far too much for the mind to handle. It will be like trying to put a forest fire out with a watering can. The thoughts that one has around compulsive behaviour are a result of the mind interpreting how one feels - ‘my body feels this way, so therefore I think this way’. The Typical Approaches One could try and change their behaviour and this is going to be a struggle all the time they feel as they do. To behave in another way will only cover up these feelings and cause one to become even more disconnected from them. And changing ones thoughts might settle the mind down and have a small impact on ones behaviour. However, the feelings in the body are still there and so it will be a battle between body and mind. Trapped Emotions If the trapped feelings and emotions were not in the body, the mind would not have to interpret them and create negative thoughts as a consequence. And if the body was at peace, then there would be no need to act in dysfunctional ways to regulate how one feels. These trapped emotions can be the result of what has happened during ones adult years and go back to when one was a child and even a baby. When one doesn’t feel that it is safe to express their feelings and emotions, perhaps because the emotional support is not there, they can up being stored in the body. This can be in ones: skin, bones, muscles and organs. Awareness While these feelings and emotions that are trapped in the body can end up controlling how one behaves, they do not belong there. So it can feel as though one is being controlled by something and that they have no control. One can face and release their trapped feelings and emotions with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. As this takes place, one’s mind and body can work together instead of fighting each other. And one can choose how they behave, as opposed to feeling that it is out of their control.
It is widely believed that the thoughts that one has create their reality. And this outlook is supported by numerous people in the self help industry. Thoughts then end up being the primary point of focus; when it comes to one attracting what they want in life and repelling what they don’t want. So it is then vital that one thinks positive and avoids all negative thoughts. This is a big part of the law of attraction; which states that one attracts what they focus on. If ones thoughts are focused on what they want, that’s what they will then attract into their life. And if ones thoughts are focused on what they don’t want, then that will also be what they attract into their life. While some people are firm believers in the power of one’s thoughts, there are others who challenge this perspective. They question how ones thoughts could have so much power and influence over one’s life. These doubts can come from people who have not studied or researched this process and therefore no very little about the whole thing. And the opposition can also come from people who have applied this in their own life and yet nothing has really changed. Opposition There are all kinds of questions that people can come up with in regards to ones thoughts creating their reality. And some of this opposition can include the following questions and statements: · I didn’t think about attracting an abusive man/woman and yet I ended up with one · People who end up being attacked don’t think about how they want to be hurt by others · I have placed my thoughts on attracting the perfect partner for a while now and nothing has changed · I didn’t think about being ill and yet I have become unwell From these common questions that people have and many others like them, it is clear that there is a lot more to this process than simply how one thinks or doesn’t think. Feelings A common outlook is that one’s thought control ones feelings and emotions. So through thinking positive, one will feel positive as a result. In a way, this is the mind trying to control the body and while this can work to some degree, it can also work the other way. Here, how one feels will define the thoughts that they have or don’t have. Based on the feelings and emotions that are in one’s body, the mind will interpret them to mean certain things and this will result in either positive thoughts or negative thoughts appearing in the mind. Trapped Emotions And these feelings and emotions can be trapped in one’s body. Therefore one’s mind will not be at peace, it will be filled with negative thoughts. Simply because the mind is interpreting the feelings as a way to avoid feeling them and stop one from being overwhelmed. This is a kind of defence mechanism that the mind uses to maintain a sense of balance. If these feelings and emotions were not kept under control and the right support was not there, it could lead to all kinds of problems. Conscious And Unconscious These feelings and emotions can be something one is conscious of or they could be fairly unconscious in nature. One could actually become disconnected from them through thinking positively. This just causes them to stay in the body, but although these feelings can be unknown to the mind, they will still have an effect on one’s life. One can end up having no awareness of what is going on in their body and live in their head for example. So what shows up in ones life can then be a mystery. And yet, if one was aware of their feelings and emotions, they would see that their reality is a reflection of them and not their thoughts. Resonance Whether one thinks positively or negatively is ultimately irrelevant; what matters is how one feels. This is why it is often said that one should not think about what they don’t want, but what they do want. If what showed up in one’s life was a direct result of what one thought, then one could say ‘I don’t want this or I don’t want that’ and it would be fine. However, by one focusing on what they don’t want, they are giving off feelings of what they don’t want. So these feelings will attract experiences, situations and people that are in sync with these feelings. This is described as the law of resonance; something Dov Baron has spoken about for many years. And this basically means that one is giving of an energetic resonance. And what one attracts into their life is simply a match of what they are resonating. So in order for one to attract different things into their life, they need to change their resonance. Impersonal Therefore, nothing is ever personal; it is simply a reflection of what one is either consciously or unconsciously giving off. Some people are then not luckier or more fortunate than others; they are different, but no different to anyone else. What is different is what they are giving of at an emotional level. If one feels a certain way, they will attract anything that mirrors those feelings. There is nothing out there or no person deciding whether one can have something or they can’t; it is simply in resonance to how one is feeling. The Challenge When one is aware of their feelings, something can be done if one is attracting things that don’t serve them. But if one is unaware of what they are feeling, then one will inevitably feel victimised by other people and by life itself. For as long as these emotions and feelings are trapped in the body or momentarily being felt by the body, they will give of a resonance. This is often why people are attracted to people and situations that do not benefit them. Of course one won’t say to themselves ‘I want to attract an abusive man/woman into my life’ that would be ridiculous. The reasons one attracts this type of person is due to the feelings and emotions in their body. One could feel worthless, unlovable, and ashamed and have certain feelings to do with being violated. And these feelings create a resonance that attracts someone that is a match. These could have been trapped in one’s body due to what has happened in their adult years. And they can go back to when one was a child, baby and even what they picked up in the womb. Awareness It is often said that one’s natural state is abundance, peace, love, health and harmony for instance. So this means it is not so much about one trying to attract any of these things, it is more about one letting go of what is stopping them from experiencing their natural state And once one is in their natural state, there will be very little effort required to attract these things; simply because one is exactly what they want to attract and they are not asking for anything they haven’t got. This process can be assisted through a therapist or healer that allows one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and release them. And as one feels begins to feel differently on the inside, their world will reflect this change. Ones behaviour will also change as a result of one feeling different.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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