When someone is abused during their childhood years, they can end up doing the same thing and abusing others or they can put an end to the abuse. And based on how much pain one would have experienced when they were abused, it is often hard for people to understand why they would end up doing to others what was done to them.
Logically, this is not likely to make any sense and that is why it can be hard to understand why abuse is often passed from one generation to another. Yet in order to understand why this takes place, it will be important for one to put their current outlook to one side and to embrace a new outlook. Violated No matter what kind of abuse one experienced during their early years, they are going to have felt violated. The people, who were supposed to protect them, were the ones who ended up harming them. And because there is this bond, it has been said that more damage can occur when one is abused by a family member than when they are abused by someone who is a family friend or a stranger, for instance. Resilience How someone responds to the abuse and what happens as the years go by, can depend on their level of resilience. It could be said that some people are more robust than others and this is naturally going to affect how they respond. Another thing that can define how resilient one is and therefore how they respond is what age they experienced abuse. If it took place after the first few years, one is going to be a lot stronger than if they experienced it at the beginning of their life. Neglect As a baby, one may have been neglected or experienced another type of abuse and this would have put them on the back foot to begin with. This could then mean that they are not as resilient as they would be if their needs were met during this incredibly important developmental stage. One may have continued to be neglected as time went by and this would have meant that they didn’t have any corrective experiences. Their external environment was then the same and one continued to suffer as the years went by. Enlightened Witness Another thing that can define whether one goes onto abuse others is if there was anyone else around at the time that showed them that not everyone is the same. Alice Miller described this person as an ‘enlightened witness’, and they would have shown them love and kindness. This position could be filled by another family member, or it could have been a teacher, family friend or a mentor. What this shows is how much of a difference one person can make and how another person can either lift one up or pull them down. The Next Step However, no matter how resilient someone is or whether they had people around them who were different, they are still going to be carrying pain. The years they spent being in an abusive environment would have left a mark on their mind and body. This is going to vary from person to person and this is because not everyone is going to be effected in the same way. Yet this pain is going to need to be faced in order for one to liberate themselves from what happened. The Conscious Approach When one faces their pain, they are going to take their power back and this is also going to benefit the people around them. All the time this pain remains within them, it can come out in the form of reactive or unconscious behaviour. Although one can be disconnected from how they felt as a child, it doesn’t mean that this pain has disappeared. The body’s natural response is to push out what doesn’t belong there; this is one reason why spots appear. This is why it is important for one to consciously face their pain as opposed to allowing their pain to control them. Avoidance It is human nature to avoid pain, and this can mean that one ends up doing everything they can to avoid how they feel about what happened in their past. So how they feel as a result of not getting their needs met can end up defining their life. There are two sides to this pain though: on one side is the rage that one will have experienced and on the other will be the sense of being helpless. One side is going to make one feel strong and the other is going to make them feel weak. Ending the Cycle If one were to identity with the rage that they experienced, there is the chance that they will do to others what was done to them, this is a form of indirect revenge and takes place when one is consumed by their emotions. Alternatively, if one goes beyond the rage and embraces how they feel underneath, they will be taking responsibility for how they feel and they will be able to put an end to the cycle of abuse. Here, one will get in touch with their unmet needs and this is going to be painful. Awareness The rage on top is a way for one to avoid feeling what is underneath and this shows how painful it is. One is going to be grieving their unmet childhood needs and this is unlikely to be something that they can do by themselves. This is why it will be important for them to seek the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or some kind of support group. Through this support, one will go where they wouldn’t have gone before.
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Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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Although some people have the ability to feel every emotion on the spectrum, there are others who are only able to express certain emotions. This is similar to how some people can speak a language fluently and others can only speak a few words, if that. The person who can speak a language fluently is going to be in a far better position than the person who can’t. They will be better equipped in their conversations with others and this is because not only will one be able to understand what others are saying, they will also be able to express themselves. So when one is in touch with their emotions, it will give them a greater ability to understand others and it will also allow them to express themselves. Without this, one is going to find it hard to understand what others are feeling and it is not going to be possible for them to express themselves fully. A Few Words As one is in the same position as someone who can only speak a few words when it comes to another language, they are not going to experience life in the same way as someone who is in touch with how they feel. When it relates to another language, one is only going to be effected when they are in certain countries or when they are talking to people from those countries. But in the case of someone who is emotionally inhibited, they won’t need to visit another country or to find someone who speaks another language. All they will need to do is to find someone who is close by and one is going to find it hard to relate on an emotional level. Normal There are going to be some people who have always been in touch with how they feel, and this is therefore normal. Just as there are going to be people who have always been out of touch with how they feel, with this also being normal. Yet there are going to be people who had to develop this ability later on in life and this means that one will know what it is like to experience life differently. When someone hasn’t experienced life differently, it could mean that they have never thought about what it would be like to experience life differently. A Richer Life If one was to have a meal where everything tasted the same, it is unlikely to be very fulfilling. When they have a meal that has different foods, and each one compliments the other, it is going to be far more fulfilling. And the same can be said when it comes down to people who are in touch with how they feel. One’s life is going to be far richer than it would be if they could only experience certain emotions or if they couldn’t feel anything. Embracing Both Sides When one is in touch with how they feel, it is going to mean that they embrace how they feel. It then won’t matter if they feel good’ or ‘bad’, as they will allow each side to appear within them. For is it only through embracing both sides that one is able to maintain their emotional connection. If one was to avoid their so-called ‘bad’ feelings, they would soon lose their ability to feel ‘good’. And this is because each side depends on the other and they are not separate. A Whole Human Being When one embraces how they feel, it is going to enable them to live in their body as opposed to living in their head. One then doesn’t just look like a whole human being on the outside; they feel like one on the inside. However, if one was to avoid their feelings, there is the chance that they will soon lose contact with their body. Their body is still there, but how they feel in their body is going to be a mystery. The Modern-Day World This disconnection is not something that will happen overnight and it’s not necessarily something that happens during ones adult years (as it could have happened during their childhood), it is going to take time. If it happened during one’s childhood, then it could mean that one has never had this connection. Yet in the modern-day world, emotions are often overlooked and this means that people are often at a loss as to what do when they experience pain. When one can’t regulate how they feel and they don’t feel comfortable reaching out for support, they can end up being drawn to things that can cause them to disconnect from how they feel. A Shallow Existence And when one is unable to live in their body and to embrace how they feel, they can end up looking outside for things to make them feel better. This is not ‘bad’ per se, as human beings are interdependent and rely on external things in order to feel good, what makes it ’bad’ is when one relies on things that will harm them in the long-term. One is then living on the surface of themselves and while it could seem as though they are escaping from external factors, ultimately, they are running away from their own body. Yet, if they were to go deeper and to look below the surface, it is going to trigger their pain. Embracing Pain While it can be easy to judge people who lack depth and live a life of escapism, they are going to have a good reason for it. Their body is going to be carrying a lot of emotional pain and the actions they take are then a way for them to keep this pain at bay. This is not to say that one aware of this, as it could be something that happens outside of their awareness. They are driven by their need to avoid pain and emotional depth is likely to be the last thing on their mind. But if one wants to experience emotional depth, it will be important for them to process their emotional pain. Awareness If one has disconnected from their feelings and has an emotional build-up, it is going to be important for them to seek external support. A therapist/healer and/or a support group can provide the support that one needs to gradually get in touch with their feelings and release them. Through being around others who understand how they feel, one will gradually develop emotional intelligence. One will also begin to develop the ability to regulate how they feel and to feel comfortable enough to reach out to others when this is not possible. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one had the need to increase their level of self-awareness, they might be drawn to some kind of mediation. This would then allow them to develop their ability to observe themselves as opposed to being attached to everything that occurs within them. And as time passes and one continues to engage in this process, it is likely to take place without one even thinking about it. Observing themselves is then normal and not something they need to force themselves to do. However, while self-awareness is something that will enhance one’s life, being self-conscious is going to have the opposite effect. This is because one is not going to be experiencing self-control; they are going to feel as though they are out of control. Observing When one is able to observe what is taking place within them, they are not going to be consumed by what is occurring. They are the silent witness and this means that there is no resistance to what appears. So no matter what appears, one is going to be in a place of acceptance. One is in passive state and there is no need for them to do anything; they are just being with what is. It could take one years to be able to do this and this is not because one is doing something unnatural, it is likely to be due to the fact that their inner world has controlled them for so long. Caught Up On the other hand, when one is self-conscious, they are not going to be the observers of what is taking place within them. One is likely to end up being consumed by what is taking place within them and to lose their self-awareness. And not only are they going to be effected by what is going on internally, they are also going to be effected by what is taking place externally. However, just because one is experiencing something on the inside, it doesn’t mean that there is anything taking place externally to validate what is taking place within them. Projection While there is the chance that one has a reason to be self-conscious based on what is happening around them, this might not be the case. One is then projecting what is taking place within them onto their environment and being victimised by their own projections. Yet due to how one see life when they feel self-conscious, it might not be possible for them to realise what is taking place. In their mind, the reason they feel as they do could be the result of what is happening around them. Validation There are also going to be moments when one feels self-conscious and their external reality is going to validate how they feel. When this happens, one is going to feel as though how they feel is a consequence of what is happening around them. And while what is taking place externally is going to have an effect on how they feel, it doesn’t mean that it is the cause of how one feels. Through feeling self-conscious, one is likely to behave in a certain way and the people around them are going to respond to their behaviour. The Defining Factor So if one feels a certain way on the inside, they are going to see life in certain way and people are going to respond to them in a certain way. Fortunately, how one perceives life and themselves can change and how people respond to them can also change. What can stop one from realising this is when they have experienced life in the same way for so long. How they experience life then not something that can be changed, it is fixed and there is nothing they do about it. Self-conscious When one is self-conscious, it doesn’t mean they will experience life in the same way as someone else who is also self-conscious. This is because some people are going to suffer more than others. Yet, what it is going to mean is that one feels as though they stand out and that other people are watching their every move. One is then unable to relax and to just be, they are going to feel as though there is a spotlight on them and it might not matter where they are or what they are doing. Anxiety It could be said that to feel self-conscious when one is doing something new or different is normal (this feeling will arise to make sure that one focuses on what they are going and does the best they can), but if one always feels this way and ends up feeling paralysed, then this is a clear sign that something is not right. Through feeling this way, one is going to experience anxiety and this is going to stop them from experiencing inner-peace. This could mean that one doesn’t allow themselves to move forward and avoids doing what would bring them fulfilment. For if they were to do what would make them happy, they would soon end up feeling overwhelmed. One is likely to find it hard to believe in themselves and their self-esteem is going to end up being effected. Toxic Shame One thing that stands out here is that one feels as though they are different to others, if they felt as though they were the same, they wouldn’t have the need to feel self-conscious. The eyes of the world are on them, but one doesn’t expect others to praise by others, they expect others to humiliate them. This can mean that one is carrying toxic shame and unlike healthy shame, this has no benefit to one’s life. And while healthy shame allows one to maintain their humanity, toxic shame has the opposite effect. To say that toxic shame is a feeling would be inaccurate, as it is something that will permeate their whole being. It is then not possible for one to feel human, as they are going to feel less-than human. They are then inherently flawed and there is nothing they can do about it. Based on this, being abandoned is not something that might happen, it is something that is destined to happen. Causes What has taken place in one’s adulthood will have had an impact on how one feels, but it is unlikely to have been the defining factor. The reason one believes there is something inherently wrong with them is likely to be due to what happened during their childhood. This may have been a time where one experienced some form of abuse and this may have been: physical, verbal, emotional and/or sexual. Awareness The emotional experiences of their childhood have been reinforced by their experiences as an adult and until what happened all those years ago is dealt with, one will continue to experience life in the same way. It will be important for one to face the emotional pain that is within the, and as this takes place, one will start to feel human once more. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While all human beings have a physical body, that doesn’t mean that they experience life in the same way. If one was to think about why this is, they might focus on how we are born into different environments and how these environments can be the defining factor. However, without even going into the factors that might explain why everyone sees life differently, there are also differences when it comes to what is taking place within someone. Just because one has a physical body, it doesn’t mean that they have the same level of empathy as someone else. There are going to be people who have what could be classed as a balanced sense of empathy, and then there are going to be others who are out of balance. One could be in a position where they have no empathy or they could have too much empathy. Non-existent When one has no empathy, they are not only going to be a danger to themselves, they are also going to be a danger to the people around them. And they could even end up being labelled as a psychopath. There is the chance that someone like this could be in prison and yet, they could also be found in the business world. One’s lack of empathy could then be what has caused them to end up behind bars and at the same time, it could also be what has allowed them to rise to the top of their profession. Having no empathy is not going to assist one when it comes to having relationships, but it will aid them when it comes to certain areas of life. More than Enough If one has too much empathy, they are unlikely to be a danger to others, but they could be a danger to themselves. And while they are unlikely to be called cold, they could be classed as being overly sensitive. They might do their best to avoid environments where there is too much going on and they could chose to spend a lot of time by themselves. One is then not in a room by themselves through force, they are there through choice. On one hand, this can mean that one is able to form deeper connections to others and for people to warm to them, but it could also cause one to avoid others. Being around others could be overwhelming and this could mean that one is unable use their heightened sense of feeling to enhance their life. Out of Control When one has empathy, it is going to be another part of who they are and not something that will necessarily define their life. However, when one has a heightened sense of empathy, it is not going to be another part of their life, it could end up defining their whole life. One is not going to feel as though their ability to empathise is another part of them; one is going to feel as though their empathy is in control of them. It is then not possible for one to decide who they empathise with or to protect their heart, as they are going to have no choice in the matter. A Walking Sponge It then won’t matter if one is talking to something or whether they are in a social environment and just walking past others, as they are going to be effected in the same way. Just being around other people will be enough for one to know what they are feeling. Being around others is going to cause one to be bombarded and they will feel defenceless. It won’t matter if they are concerned about someone or not (or whether they are even facing them), as they will still absorb what they are going through. One is then like a sponge that has been put in water – in the beginning there will be water on one side and as time passes, the whole sponge will be end up being submerged. Sense of Self When one is around others, it is going to be challenge for them to maintain their sense of self. And this is because they are going to embody what is going on around them and what is going on for them is likely to be a mystery. In fact, one might find it difficult to differentiate between their feelings and the feelings of others. Who they are could depend on who they are with and this is because one doesn’t have any boundaries. Empaths While there is the chance that one started to experienced life this way as an adult, it is likely to be something that one has experienced for the majority of their life. And when one experiences life this way, they are often described as being an empath. It has been said that people are born this way and that it comes down to their genetics. There are others who believe that people are like this due to what happened during their childhood. A Closer Look If one was to look at how an empath experiences life, they might come to the conclusion that is not so much a special ability as it is a consequence of childhood trauma. When one feels that their life is under threat, their point of focus is no longer divided between what is taking place within them and what is taking place without, it is going to be on what is taking place around them. And when a child feels under threat, they are likely to have less control than they would if they were an adult. It might not be safe for them to have boundaries and to therefore protect themselves. What could be safe is for them to remain boundary-less and to let the people around them do whatever they want. Survival Mode During one’s early years, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to just be; they would have had to have been in survival mode. Tuning into how the people around them were feeling was not something that they did to simply gain ‘approval’, it was something they had to do to either avoid being harmed or to know when they were about to be harmed in some way. Through living in this kind of environment where one had to focus on others and the people around them were only focused on their own needs, one wouldn’t have been able to realise they were separate from them and their developed would have been stunted. So their needs and feelings would have been overlooked and they wouldn’t have been able to develop boundaries. Awareness The years will have passed, but their sense of self hasn’t been able to develop and one has remained in a symbiotic state. It will be important for them to process what happened to them all those years ago and as this is done, they will begin to develop a sense of self and their boundaries will also start to develop. This doesn’t mean that one will no longer have this ability, what it is likely to mean is that one will begin to settle down and gain a great understanding of themselves. One can then use this ability to enhance their life as opposed to it being something that makes their life a misery. The assistance of a therapist or a healer will be required, and they can hold the space so that one can let of the emotional pain that is within them. They will also be able to provide the positive regard that one didn’t receive all those years ago. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While some people are able to drink alcohol or even take drugs without their whole life being taken over, there are others who are not able to exercise the same level of self-control. If they were to drink or to even take drugs, they would soon find that their life has been taken over. One is then unable to go a day without drinking and/or taking drugs and they have then lost their self-control. But while it would be easy to say that these are the people who have problems and the people who don’t drink or use drugs are fine, this would be far from the truth. Addicts While one might not be addicted to the options mentioned above, they could be addicted to something that is more socially acceptable. This could mean that one is a workaholic or that they are constantly rescuing others (here, one ignores own their needs and always puts others needs first). And because these things are often seen in a positive light, they can end up being overlooked. Yet, even though these options are seen in a different light, it doesn’t mean that one is therefore not an addict. Regulation No matter what one is addicted to and whether it is completely destructive or increases their productivity, it is going to allow one to feel better. This is not to say that it is therefore positive - as one is not going to feel better through facing reality, they are going to feel better through avoiding reality. Now, this could mean that one is using their pain in a fairly productive way and ends up being addicted to their job. In the short-term, this may allow them to move forward and to achieve incredible success. The Long Term However, in the long-term, it could lead to one creating other problems in their life. Other areas of their life could end up being out of balance and this will be due to the fact that one will have neglected other areas of their life. And although one will need to step back from what they are doing and to change their point of focus, this might not take place. If one was to do this, it is going to change how they feel and this might be unbearable. Pain All the time one maintains their addiction, they will be able to minimize the amount of pain that they feel but the longer they maintain their addiction, the more pain they are going to create. It is then a double-edged sword and this can be a dynamic that is hard to change. So one could be addicted to something to avoid how they feel and then they start to feel better but as time passes, they may begin to notice the effect their addiction is having on their life. This can then cause them to feel even worse and to go right back to what they know is harming their life. One can then end up going round in circles and find it even harder to put an end up what is taking place. Pleasure It is natural to seek pleasure and to avoid pain; this is part of being human. The problems arise when one is trying to feel better through an addiction that is harming their life; they can end up feeling better, but this is going to come at a great price. The ideal will be for one to reach out to things that will make them feel better without compromising their wellbeing. If one is experiencing some kind of pain, they are likely to reach out for what is available. And what is available might not be what is best for one’s mental, emotional and physical health. Emotional Regulation So while one may say that they have an ‘addictive personality’ and see this as who they are, there is going to be a reason for it. One approach would be to say that it is due to one’s genetic predisposition. Yet, as one reaches out to these external things, it shows that they are unable to regulate their own emotions. And not only that, it could also be a sign that one doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to others about what is going on for them. Addictive Personality If one could regulate their own emotions and felt comfortable reaching out for support, they are unlikely to reach out for things that will end up harming them (or if they do, they will be able to get back on track before long). But if one doesn’t have this ability and doesn’t feel comfortable reaching out for support, then there is a strong chance that they will end up having an ‘addictive personality’. Another factor will be whether they are carrying some kind of trauma. If they are, this can also cause them to become addicted to something as a way to deal with the pain that is within them. Childhood And while this could relate to trauma that one experienced in their adult years, there is also the chance that it comes down to the trauma they experienced during their childhood. This could have been a time where not only did one experience trauma, but they could also have been brought environment where their emotions were completely overlooked (and that would also have caused one to experience a lot of pain) So on one hand, one may have experienced trauma (and this may have been the result of a one of occurrence or it could have been an accumulation of major and/or minor experiences) and on the other, this could have been a time where no one was around to regulate their emotional experiences. During these early years, one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate themselves and so, they needed their caregivers to do this for them. But if this didn’t take place, one would have had to just sit in their emotions and this would have been overwhelming. Awareness The years will then go by and one is carrying trauma and it is not possible for them to regulate how they feel or to reach out for support. One is then set up to have an addictive personality and unless they process their inner pain, they will continue to experience life in the same way. As they start to process this pain, they will develop the ability to regulate themselves and begin to feel comfortable reaching out for support. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or some kind of support group is likely to be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While some women want to be mothers and go onto fulfil this need, there are others who have no interest in being a mother. They might end up channelling their nurturing abilities into another area of life instead. However, just because a woman decides to be a mother, it doesn’t mean that she is able to give her child (or children) what it needs in order to develop into a healthy adult. If they were to check the DNA of the child and the parent, they would see they are connected, but that might be about as far as the connection goes. Appearances So although the mother might look like a mother and even act like one in public, it could be another story behind the scenes. Yet to say that she acts like mother in public might not reflect reality, as her behaviour in public could end up raising a few eye brows. The child could be at an age where they don’t know any different and their mother’s behaviour is therefore normal. If one is older, they are also going to have the option to reach out for support (something a child is often not able to do), but they might feel as though they are unable to do anything abbot what is taking place. The Impact of Abuse What this goes to show is how much of an impact abuse can have on one’s life and while the years may have passed, it could still be defining their life as an adult. This is going to come down to the fact that although one’s physical shape will change as they get older, it doesn’t mean their inner world has changed. How they feel and think could match up with the feelings and thoughts they were having as a child. This could mean that one’s self-image is more or less the same and it hasn’t changed even though one’s physical body has. Idealisation When a child is being abused by their mother, they are likely to take it personally and this is because their thinking brain has not been developed. They haven’t got the ability to detach and to use rational thought. Also, to see one’s parents as being bad at this age would put one’s survival at risk. So it feels a lot safer for one to see themselves as the problem and to idealise their caregiver. At this age, one’s hands are tied and there is not a lot that can be done. When one grows into adult (and if the abuse is too much for them to bear, they might end up taking their own life), their survival could still be attached to their caregiver and this can stop one from getting the assistance they need. Taboo For so long, there has been immense pressure for people to respect their parents and while respect is important, it can mean that one feels the need to deny what happened to them. Putting their parent’s wellbeing before their own then becomes the norm and one then ends up suffering in silence. And when it comes to mothers who are abusive, it can be hard for one to even speak up about it, let alone reach out for support. This is because they are often seen as the nurturers and men are often seen as the only ones who are capable of being abusive. Abusive Mothers It is relatively easy for physical abuse to be noticed and this is because there is the chance that there will be external evidence (that is unless one is able to cover the marks up). Emotional neglect on the other hand is not as easy to notice and this is due to the fact there is unlikely to be any physical marks. However, if one is aware of how someone can react as a result of experiencing neglect, they might be able to notice what is taking place. This can also apply to a child who is currently being neglected and to an adult who is suffering from the consequences of being neglected as a child. Neglect A child can be neglect as a result of their mother leaving them, but their mother could also be in the same room. The defining factor is whether she is emotional available or not. This could be because one’s mother is caught up in her work, has mental and emotional problems or perhaps she has experienced a loss in her life and is unable to be a mother. If the mother ended up being emotional unavailable later in life, it might not cause as much damage as it would have done if she was emotionally unavailable in the beginning of one’s life. This is because one is going to be stronger as the years go by and this inner strength wouldn’t have been developed before. Invisible In order for one to develop a sense of self and to therefore be in touch with their needs and feelings, personal power and to know where they begin and end, they will have needed to have had an empathetic caregiver. This would have been someone who validated their feelings and needs, and this would have allowed then to develop boundaries and a sense of personal power. Yet, if one’s caregiver was not emotionally available, there is the chance that one’s sense of self didn’t develop. What is likely to have developed is a false self and this would have been what allowed them to survive. One’s true self ends up not being able to see the light of day and one is likely to feel invisible. Consequences So although one is an adult, their emotional development is unlikely to match up and could reflect how they felt as a baby or a child. They could have trouble knowing what their needs are and what they feel in each moment and it could be normal for them to let other people walk over them or step into their personal space and this is because they haven’t developed boundaries. If one was to get in touch with their feelings, they could feel incredible rage and this will be the result of them being ignored by their mother. And along with rage, could be the following feelings: rejection, abandonment, shame, fear, hopelessness, helpless, guilt, terror and grief. It’s Safe What happened during these early years is going to be something that one wants to put being them, but they could find that the people they are attracted to remind them of their mother. And this is because what happened during these early years would have ended up being associated as what is safe. So the people in one’s life look different (they might even have a physical resemblance), but one ends up feeling and thinking the same. This is therefore going to mean that one behaves in the same way. One could find that they only feel safe when they avoid attention and that they feel uncomfortable when they receive it. Awareness As a result of this early neglect, one is going to have a lot of unmet childhood needs to grieve. One is going to need to be patient and persistent; as this is not going to be something that changes over night. However, just because one didn’t get what they needed to get as a child, it doesn’t mean they are a lost cause. As an adult, they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to receive the positive regard they didn’t receive as a child. This process can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Not only will they hold the space for one to face and release their emotional build up, they will also provide the positive regard that one needs. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Although life is rarely black and white, this doesn’t mean that one’s mind is able to realise this. Instead, one can end up seeing their whole life in this way and not only is this limiting, it also doesn’t reflect reality. While it could be said that some people think like this and some people don’t, there are going to be reasons for it. One reason is that one still views life though the eyes of their child self. Early Years During these early years, one’s thinking brain wouldn’t have been developed and this would have meant that everything was taken at face value. One wouldn’t have been able to think about what was happening or to reflect. How one saw life during these years would have been a consequence of how they felt in each moment and one wouldn’t have been able to detach. So if another person did something bad, it would have meant they were bad. Later On As times goes by and one’s thinking mind begins to develop, one can then have the ability to move away from this reactive way of seeing life and to see that there is more to it. So while another can do something bad, it one is able to see that this is just one part of them. Through this, one will be able to see how diverse life is, and this will stop them from constantly creating the kind of limits that will arise through polarised thinking. This doesn’t mean that one will always be able to see life in this way, but it will give them the ability to do so. The Alternative However, for one reason or another, this doesn’t always take place and this means that one hasn’t got the ability to see life differently. To them, life is either black or white and that’s all there is to it. This is not to say that one is stuck this way and that it’s not possible for them to develop this ability. One reason for this could be due to the fact that one’s emotional brain is not working with their thinking brain. One’s emotions could be out of control and it is then not possible for them to think properly. Interconnected While emotions are often overlooked when it comes to thinking rationally, they actually play an important part in one being able to do so. If one is emotionally settled, it is going to be a lot easier for them to think properly and to come to balanced conclusions. Yet if one is not emotionally centred, it going to be a challenge for them to think properly. This is because the thinking brain sits on top of the emotional brain; with their being more information sent from the emotional brain to the thinking brain than the other way around. Integration So even though one’s emotions are often dismissed and seen as being secondary to their thoughts, their emotional brain is just as important. If anything, it is even more important and not something that one should overlook. The ideal will be for them to work together and this will allow one to be far more resourceful than they would be if their thinking brain and emotional brain were at odds with each other. And providing their reptilian brain is settled, it will be possible for one to operate as whole human being. Self Development When people get into self development for instance, it could be because their mind and emotions are not working together. For others, it could be because they want to understand themselves. Reading, attending courses and/or listening to audio books could then be seen as a way for them to ‘know who they are’. However, while one person might believe that life is all about finding who they are, for another, it is going to be about creating who they are. George Bernard once said - “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Two Outlooks So when one believes life is about finding yourself, they could end up being focused on what is taking place within them. And when it comes to people who believe that life is about creating yourself, they might be focused on what is taking place externally. Yet, to say to say that it is either one or the other could be seen as another example of black and white thinking. If human beings were not conditioned from the moment they were born, it would be logical to say it is about creating yourself. Conditioning However, as human beings are conditioned from the moment they are born, it is going to be important for them to let go of what doesn’t belong to them so they can get in touch with their true needs. Now, this doesn’t mean that one has to spend their life completely consumed by their inner world; one will also need to experience what the external world has to offer. The Mirror Through being in the world, one will be able to get in touch with what is within them and this is because the world will act like a mirror. For it is through being around others that one will be able to know what is right for them and what isn’t. And while one could be drawn to something without knowing why or develop an identity that they didn’t expect to develop, it could be in alignment with what has always been within them. Just like a seed needs the right conditions in order to grow, one needs the right external factors in order for what is within them to be revealed. Awareness With this is mind, one doesn’t need to accept one option and reject the other, they can embrace both sides. At times, one might feel the need to let go of something and at others, they might feel the need to go out and discover who they are. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Just because one feels a certain way, it doesn’t mean these feelings reflect what is currently taking place in their life. One can then come to the conclusion that their feelings are irrational. This could be something that one experience from time to time or it might be a regular occurrence. If it happens on the odd occasion, it might be something that one can handle but if it happens all the time, it is likely to cause them problems. The Defining Factor However, this can all depend on how severe it is when it does happen on the odd occasion; it could be so overwhelming that it is not something that one can overlook. It could end up affecting an important area of their life and this could end up affecting every other area. In the case when it happens all the time, one might end up feeling paralysed and unable to experience any kind of self-control. How often it happens is then not the defining factor, what matters is how much of an effect it is having on one’s life. Meaning While some people have a negative relationship with their feelings, there are going to be others who see them as a vital part of being able to live a fulfilling life. This doesn’t mean that they never feel bad, it means that they realise how empty their life would be without them. To remove the ‘bad’ feelings would also end up removing the ‘good’ feelings and life would end up being empty and meaningless. This is something that can happen when one takes antidepressants. Guidance System So not only do they give life meaning, they are also what allows one to know whether something is right for them. When one is in tune with their body, they will soon know if they are doing the right thing or if they should be doing something else. If one is not aware of how they feel, it is also going to be a challenge for them to know what their needs are. And if they don’t know what their needs are, there is not much chance of them getting them met. Needs One can then end up doing what other people expect them to do or what pleases others. Yet when they are in tune with their feelings, it is going to be normal for them to know what they need. This is not to say one will always have their needs fulfilled but as they know what their needs are, they’re going to have a greater chance of meeting them then they would if they were disconnected from their feelings. A whole Human Being Through being in touch with one’s feelings, it is likely to mean that they are a whole human being. Just because one has a physical body, it doesn’t mean they feel human and this could mean that they are disconnected from their body. Their attention is then primarily in their head and what is taking place down below is then a mystery. This is not to say that one is unaware of physical pain, what it means is that they are unaware of how they feel. Misguidance System When one’s feelings reflect reality it is going to assist their life, but when their feelings don’t, it is going to have the opposite effect. Their feelings are then not guiding them, they are misguiding them. How they feel has nothing to do with what is currently taking place in their life or the environment they are currently in. This could mean that one’s emotional experiencing is a ten when it should really be about a two, for instance. Or it could mean that how one feels has nothing to do with their current experience. Examples One might find that when they go into a social environment that they start to feel anxious, and this could happen when they are around people they know. But if one was to stop and to breathe deeply, they might see that what is taking place within them doesn’t match up with what is happening without. Through listing to music or watching a film, one could start to feel sad and as they step back and reflect on how they feel, they might wonder why they feel as they do. One could achieve a goal or move onto the next level in their area of work and start to feel guilty. After working so hard to achieve what they have achieved, they might wonder what is going on. Irrational So based on how one feels in the situations above and others, it would be normal for them to believe that their feelings are irrational. One approach would be for one to place their attention on their thoughts and to monitor them. They could believe that their feelings are a consequence of what is taking place in their head. Through changing their thoughts, they will stop having irrational feelings. But while this might work for some people, it could send one down the wrong path. Rational Even though how one feels doesn’t reflect what is currently taking place, the current situation could be triggering feelings that are trapped in one’s body. There would then have been a time in one’s life when these feelings were rational. The years have then gone by, but the emotional experiences of the past have remained in their body. And the reason one is not aware of this could be a sign that one has disconnected from what took place and this could be a way for them to protect themselves from the pain. Awareness These feelings might go back to one’s childhood and while their body remembers, their mind has no recollection of what took place. This could mean that one is carrying trauma and they have then forgotten for a good reason. If one was to get back in touch with this pain it could be overwhelming and this means one might need the assistance of a therapist or a healer. As one’s emotional experiences of the past have been processed, their feelings will begin to reflect their present circumstances. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ It is often said that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and while this may be true, there is also the chance that it isn’t. Moving to another area might make one’s life so much better and there is the chance that they are better off where they are. Just as one could leave a relationship with the hope that the next one will be better and while it could be better, it might be no better than the last. This is because this is not black and white; it will all depend on the situation. Idealisation However, one thing the mind looks to do when one is experiencing some kind of discomfort, is to idealise. So as one feels a certain way and their life or an area of their life is not matching up with how they want it to be, their mind can end up believing that other people have the perfect life. What goes against this outlook and shows that there things that others are happy about and things they are not can end up being filtered out. And as everyone else seems to have it all together, one is then left to reflect on how bad their life is. Appearances While something might look a certain way, it doesn’t mean this is actually the case – appearances are deceiving. For example, a cake might look incredible but it doesn’t mean it tastes incredible. In the world we live in, appearances are of the utmost importance and what is taking place inside is often secondary. The image that one presents to the world might have very little to do with what is taking place within them. If one relies on their eyes they might not realise this, but if they listen to their instincts or intuition, another outlook may soon appear. Stepping Back If one was in front of a car that had been damaged and focused on the part that hasn’t been affected, they could come to the occlusion that the car is fine. Yet as they step back and gain a greater perspective, their mind will come to see that there is more to it than meets the eye. At times, one might feel that their life is going to plan and this could cause them to feel content and at others, this is not going to be the case. Nevertheless, no matter how perfect another person’s life looks, they are going to have challenges like everyone else. Individual Journey Not only that, each person on this planet has a different journey to fulfil. This is not to say that one should settle for a life of misery or discontentment, what it means is that one has to acknowledge the fact that their life path is not the same as anyone else. It could be said there is what one wants and what is right for them, and this is due to the fact that one believes they want might have nothing to do with their true needs and everything to do with their conditioning. This is something that can end up being overlooked as a result of living in a world that is focused on making everyone the same. Social Media However, one no longer needs to be around others to feel that something is missing in their life, as they only need to go onto a social media site. This can be done in the comfort of their own home or while they are in the middle of nowhere. And while one has a certain amount of control when it comes to how they present themselves in public, they have even more control over a screen. The pictures that one uploads can be taken until they look right and even if they don’t, one can edit them. In the ‘real world’ one might speak before they think, but on social media, they can take their time. But even though what one sees on these sites doesn’t necessarily reflect what is going on for someone, it doesn’t mean that one realises this. Reality What someone else presents can be taken as an accurate reflection of the other person’s life and it won’t matter whether this is actually reflects reality. It could mean that one only exposes the parts of their life that are going well. When their life is not going well or if an area of their life doesn’t match up with their rest of it, they could keep this to themselves. There is also the chance that one is living a good life and that they have worked hard to achieve this. Being Accepted Human beings have an inherent need to be accepted; this is not just so one can feel good themselves, it is also a matter of survival. So although one is behind a screen, the same need is going to be there. It is clear that some people have a greater need to be accepted than others and this can come down to whether they were accepted during their childhood. If one didn’t get the acceptance they needed during these formative years, it is likely to mean that one has a higher need as an adult. Solutions One approach would be for one to see what others are doing and to use it as inspiration. If one experiences discontent, they could reflect on what needs of theirs are not being met in life and to see if they can start to fulfil them. So instead of passively observing life and watching others doing things, one could begin to take action. It will also be important for them to remember that appearances are deceiving and don’t always reflect reality. When one focuses on what they haven’t got it can cause them to forget about what they have got. Yet through focusing on what one has got, they can begin to shift their attention away from what isn’t taking place in their life and this can enhance their wellbeing. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are some people who were already adults by the time social media came to the fore and then were others who grew up with social media. In the first case, one had to gradually adapt to what was appearing and in the other, it would be something they had to learn but not something they necessarily had to adapt to. So while some people know what it’s like to live without social media (it might take them a while to remember), there will be others who have no idea what it’s like to live without it. And even if they were around before it was launched (and this may have only been a matter of years), it might not have been enough time to have had an impact. Influence However, just because one was around before social media, it doesn’t mean that is has less of an effect on them. People of all ages have profiles on one or a number of social media sites and while there are certain restrictions as to what age you have to be, these are not always followed. And once one has created a profile, they can share just about every part of their life with their ‘friends’ or followers. Everything they do can be captured with a camera and then posted online and everything on their mind can be expressed on a screen. Identification When one spends their time around someone or engages in some kind of activity, there is the chance that they will soon become attached. What they have become attached to and therefore identified with, will become part of their identity. This is a normal part of life and comes down to the fact that human beings are interdependent. So one’s identity is formed by inner and external factors. It could be said that these external factors are what allow one’s inner needs to be fulfilled. Yet these needs that are being fulfilled might not relate to their true needs. In fact, they could relate to their unmet childhood needs. Affirmation As a human being, one wants to be affirmed for who they are or for the image that they present to the world. In an ideal world, one would have been affirmed during their childhood years and this would have allowed them to create a strong sense of self. When one has a strong sense of self, it is going to mean that one is not dependent on outside sources. This doesn’t mean that one is not affected by what is taking place externally; it means that one doesn’t give their power away to others to define who they are. How this works So one is able to feel good about themselves (self-esteem) and this is not because everyone in the world gives them the responses they want, it is because they like who they are and they are affirmed by the people they are close to. This is why it is important for one to have people around them who are supportive and who approve of them. However, if one wasn’t affirmed as a child and ended up having their needs overlooked, it can set them up to look towards others to affirm them. As they didn’t receive the positive regard that they needed during these years, it would have affected their ability to develop a sense of self. Physically an Adult One may look like an adult, but it doesn’t mean they are able to see life through the eyes of an adult. The child that lives within them can then end up looking towards others to give them what didn’t get whilst they were growing up. But as it is not possible for everyone they meet to give them the approval they didn’t get as a child, it is not going to be possible for one to have a balance sense of themselves all the time they are placing their worth in the hands of others. Social Media So let’s say that one’s sense of self is based on how other people respond to them and that they don’t have the ability to regulate how they feel, it is going to be important for them to receive other people’s approval. One could then upload pictures, videos and post certain things in order to receive the kind of responses that will make them feel good. And if one shares something that allows them to regulate how they feel about themselves, they could soon become attached to social media. External Regulation Whether they feel good or bad is then defined by what takes place on a social media site. When one gets the kind of responses that make them feel good all will be well, but if they don’t, one could soon hit rock bottom. It could be said that social media has made them dependent on the responses of others and while it could look this way, this might be a half-truth. Instead, one may have had trouble regulating how they feel and not had any support around them, and social media was then seen as the solution. Pointing the Finger There is the chance that social media has made one even more dependent on the views of others, but to say that it has caused one to depend on the views of others might be going a bit far. This would be like blaming alcohol or drugs - the need had to be there in the first place. Support In recent years there has been a big focus on what people eat and how important exercise is, but when it comes to one’s mind and emotions, the same can’t always be said. As a result of this, people of all ages are often at a loss as to how to deal with their ‘negative’ thoughts and emotions. Without the right education in place, people are going to be drawn to things that will make them feel better. It is not always going to matter how healthy these options are or if they will create more problems down the line, what will be at the forefront of their mind is what they can do to feel better now. Solutions If one is looking towards everyone to approve of them, it could be a sign that one needs to grieve their unmet childhood and that they need to develop a sense of self. This is then a process of letting go and receiving - letting go of one didn’t get and will never get, and receiving the positive regard they didn’t receive during their formative years. As this takes place, one will develop the ability to regulate how they feel and to reach out to a select group of people who will assist one in this when it is not possible for them to do it themselves. This can take place through the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Another option would be for one to develop close relationships with people in the real world who can affirm them for who they are. One might need to learn about relationships and/or communication in order to do this. Breaking away from social media and not allowing it to define one’s identity is another thing that one can do. One can then develop an identity that is not based on how others respond to them on social media. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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