After a man has become aware of the fact that he is overly focused on his mother and is ignoring his own life, he may also find that he doesn’t have a strong need to do anything about it. If he is single, then, he will continue to suffer, and, if he is in a relationship, his partner will also suffer.
But, with that aside, he could wonder why he doesn’t feel a strong need to change his life. He can find that a big part of him is happy to carry on as normal, even though this isn’t truly serving him. The Same Story However, he could also see that he seldom stands up for himself and allows other people to walk over him. If so, not having a strong need to change his life is not exactly going to be a surprise. As, if he finds it hard to stand his ground, it is to be expected that he would find it hard to direct his life. Asserting himself will take energy while changing the direction of his life will take even more. An Analogy Taking this into account, he is going to be like a car that doesn’t have an engine. He will lack the oomph that he needs to go from where he is to where he wants to be. At this point, he could feel pretty helpless and hopeless and question if his life will ever change. The outcome of this is that he could feel low and even think about calling it a day. A Bad Way What is likely to play a part in this is that he could have a very negative inner voice. Due to how normal and strong this voice is, he could generally believe that what it says is the truth. In reality, this voice is likely to largely be the result of how he was spoken to during his formative years; nothing more, nothing less. Thus, it is not a voice that represents the truth. Stepping Back Now, when it comes to his inability to get himself moving, it is likely to show that he doesn’t have a strong connection with his aggression. Another part of this is that he is unlikely to have a strong connection with his needs and feelings. Instead of being firmly rooted in his body, then, he will live on the surface of himself. For him to be in his power and feel alive, he will need to inhabit his body as opposed to living in his head. Another Angle Along with this, it can show that his system is in a frozen state, which is why he finds it hard to assert himself and direct his own life. He will then look free from the outside but he won’t feel free on the inside. Being in this state - something that is often called ‘functional freeze’ - will show that, at one time or another, he felt competently overwhelmed. To handle what was going on and ensure his survival, his system would have gradually and automatically gone into shut down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state. What's going on? After becoming aware of this, he could start to wonder why he is this way and is not firmly rooted in his body. This is likely to be a consequence of what he experienced during his formative years. So, as he is focused on his mother, he is likely to have had to focus on her when he was a boy. This would have meant that he missed out on what he needed to grow and develop in the right way. A Brutal Time At this stage of his life, he needed an attuned mother who was generally able to meet his needs. But, as his mother was likely to have been consumed by her own needs, for whatever reason, she wasn’t able to be there for him. As a result, he would have been forced to adapt to her, with him behaving more like her parent than her son. He would have soon learnt that certain needs wouldn’t be met and if he expressed them, he would suffer even more. Two Parts If he did express them, he might have been criticised, ignored, rejected and/or left. Losing touch with certain needs and being focused on his mother’s needs was then a way for him to survive and an indirect way for him to try to meet his own needs. Furthermore, if he didn’t do what his mother wanted, his father might have soon verbally and/or physically harmed him. Ultimately, it wasn’t safe for him to be connected to and express himself, and this is why he had to disconnect from himself and be who his mother and perhaps his father wanted him to be. A Natural Outcome His inability to stand his ground and lead himself is then not a sign that there is something inherently wrong with him; it is a sign that he is in an underdeveloped and traumatised state. What is going on for him will be holding him back but it will be what kept him alive all those years ago. To move forward, he is going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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After a man has come to see that he is overly focused on his mother and needs to focus on himself, he could start to explore what his early years were like. What this will do is allow him to gain a deeper understanding of why he is behaving in this way.
By doing this, he can soon find that how he behaves as an adult is a continuation of how he behaved as a boy. Many, many years will have passed, but that won’t have had much of an impact on his behaviour. The Same Old Story Most likely, if he hadn’t focused on his mother during this time, he would have suffered even more than he did. So, he might have been put down, harmed, rejected and/or isolated. And, as he was powerless and dependent at this stage of his life, he wasn’t able to do anything about what was going on. His only option was to do what she wanted and to lose touch with his own feelings and a number of his needs. Self-Alienation But, although this would have allowed him to survive, it would have also caused him to lose touch with himself. From a very young age, then, he would have been trained to ignore himself and be there for his mother. This would have ended up becoming what felt safe and what was seen as the right thing for him to do. Instead of being able to be a child and freely express himself, then, he was forced to act more like his mother’s parent. Deeply Deprived Naturally, this would have prevented him from receiving what needed to go through each developmental stage. So, now that he is an adult, he will be in a developmentally stunted state. It is for this reason that he won’t just be able to change his life. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. The Other Side At this point, it can seem as though he is this way because of how his mother behaved. However, there will also be the impact that his father had on how he behaved as a child and is now behaving as an adult. Now, his father might not have been around, which would have meant that he wasn’t there to support and encourage his son. Then again, he might have been around but he might have been emotionally out of reach. A Closer Look If he was around but was emotionally out of reach, he might have generally been dominated by his son’s mother. Therefore, he wouldn’t have been in his power and in a position to stand up for and protect his son. Emasculated Assuming that this was the case, he would have been deprived and deeply wounded by his mother and his father. His mother would have abused her power and his father would have allowed this to happen. Along with this, he might have verbally and/or physically harmed his son if he didn’t do what his mother wanted. With this in mind, his father was an adult but he would have acted as though he was an extension of his son’s mother and was her slave. Defenceless Based on this, it was as though he was not only in a warzone, but he had no armour and was unarmed. What he needed was for his father to stand up to his mother and to protect and support him. Most likely, his father was not in his power when he met his son’s mother, and this was probably a consequence of what took place during his formative years. But, even though, his father wouldn’t have been in a good way and able to provide him with what he needed, he would have personalised what took place as he was egocentric. The Outcome As a result of this, he would have come to believe that the reason his father treated him in this way was due to the fact that he was worthless and unlovable. But, as his own father rejected and abandoned him and he was egocentric, this is to be expected. If he was not in an underdeveloped state and didn’t take everything personally, he would have been able to see that his father was not in a good way. It would have been clear that his father was not an all-knowing and all-powerful god; no, he was a beaten-down man who was likely to have been controlled by his own fear of being rejected and abandoned. The Truth Taking this into account, what he can keep in mind is that he has inherent worth and is lovable. For him to know this at the core of his being there will be what he needs to heal in relation to his mother and his father. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If Someone Was Treated Like An Object During Their Childhood?20/4/2024
Although someone is a separate human being with their own needs, feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Instead, they can feel like they are simply an extension of others.
Due to this, they are not going to have the sense that they own themselves, they will feel as though other people do. This then means that they won’t be in control of themselves; other people will be in control of them. The outcome Consequently, when it comes to what they do or don’t do, it will generally be defined by what other people want them to do. However, this can be something that is so normal, that they are not even aware of what is going on. But, as they are not acting like a separate human being and are neglecting themselves, they are likely to experience a fair amount of anger and frustration. Yet, as they don’t feel comfortable expressing themselves, they are likely to ignore these feelings. Weighed Down The outcome of this is that they can have the tendency to feel very low and depressed. By not understanding what is going on, they could conclude that they simply suffer from depression and have mental health issues. What will also play a part in how low they feel is being walked over and doing things that they don't want to do. Understandably, being used and violated on a regular basis is going to have a negative impact on their wellbeing. Waking Up Now, if they started to become aware of what is going on, it doesn’t mean that they would just be able to change how they behave. They will then want to change, but they will still feel compelled to behave in the same way. At this point, they can believe that they are nothing more than a slave and that they will never be able to freely express themselves. If they were to imagine that they no longer behaved in this way and did what they wanted to do, they could feel anxious and fearful. The All-Clear Therefore, they are not going to feel safe enough to change their behaviour. If they were to go deeper into how they feel, they could find that they fear that they will be harmed and/or rejected and abandoned if they don’t behave in the same way. For them to act like an individual, then, they are going to need permission. Without this, it will be as if their life is under threat and they won’t survive. Another Element Along with this, they can find that they don’t believe that they are worthy of freely expressing themselves and having their own life. So, as they don’t feel safe enough or worthy of experiencing life differently, it is not a surprise that their life is this way. What can also make it difficult for them to change their life is that they might not have a good connection with their needs and feelings. Without access to this inner guidance, they won’t know what to do with their life. What’s going on? It can seem strange as to why their life would be this way, but, if their early years were taken into account, it might soon make complete sense. Throughout this stage of their life, they may have had at least one parent who wasn’t able to see them as a separate human being who had their own needs, feelings and life to lead. To this parent, they might have been seen as nothing more than an object that they had complete control over. It then wouldn’t have mattered if they wanted to do something as they would have typically had to do as they were told. Abandoned Being taken advantage of and violated would have been the norm as opposed to the exception. Not being provided with the love that they needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, the only way that they could handle what was going on was by repressing how they felt and a number of developmental needs. This wouldn’t have stopped them from being mistreated but it would have stopped them from being aware of the pain that this was causing them. The meaning The downside to this is that they would have left their body and lost touch with a number of their needs and feelings. Another part of this is that, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what was going on. It was then not that this parent was unable to see them as a separate individual and love them; no, it was that there was something inherently wrong with them. Most likely, this parent was a deeply wounded human being who had also been seen as an object during their early years. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man has come to see that he is too focused on his mother and her needs, what could also stand out is that his father is also in the same position. After this, what could enter his mind is that his mother is using both of them.
He could then see that this has been going on for many, many years and is nothing new. So, in addition to thinking about the impact that this has had on his life, he could think about the impact that it has had on his father’s life. One Conclusion At this point, it could seem as though his mother is and was the perpetrator and his father is and was the victim. He could then feel sorry for his father and have the need to liberate him from his mother’s control. If so, there will be what he needs to do to change his life and what he needs to do to help his father. But, although he wants to help his father, there is a chance that his father won’t want to be helped. Stepping Back Now, even though it can seem as if his mother is the ‘bad’ one and his father is the ‘good’ one, what if there is far more to it? Of course, on one level, his father will be being used and will have been used for many, many years. However, his father is and was an adult; he is not and was not a powerless and dependent boy. Thus, he doesn’t have to live in this way and didn’t have to live in this way all those years ago. The Main Point This is not about him turning his back on his father; what it is about is him seeing him clearly. With this in mind, as his father is and was an adult, it is up to him to change his life and it was up to him to stand his ground very early on. Furthermore, as his father didn’t stand up for him all those years ago, it was possible for his mother to take advantage of him. If, on the other hand, his father had stood up for himself and been there for him, this stage of his life would have been very different. A Different Experience After thinking about this for a little while, he could start to see his father differently. Not only this, but he could go from feeling sorry for his father, to feeling angry and let down by him. This can show that he saw his father as having as much power as he did during his early years. Due to this, he wouldn’t have been able to realise that this father was an adult, not a child. Going Deeper Below the anger and perhaps rage that he feels toward his father, he could feel rejected and abandoned by him. What could enter his mind is that his father didn’t want him and this is why he wasn’t there for him. His mother would have most likely lacked boundaries, which is why he needed his father to protect him. But, even if his mother wasn’t the way that she was, he still needed his father’s support, encouragement and protection. A Natural Conclusion Naturally, as his father wasn’t there for him, it is to be expected that he would question if his father wanted him. As, if this wasn’t the case, he would have surely done what he could to make sure that his son wasn’t harmed by his mother. And, as he was egocentric during his formative years, he would have most likely come to believe that he was treated in this way because he was worthless and unlovable. He would have also done what he could to try to be loved by two people who were unable to do so. What’s going on? When it comes to why his father was unable to be there for him and turned his back on him, it is likely to be a consequence of what was going on for him. It was then not that there was anything wrong with his son. If his father practically did just about everything he could to please his son’s mother, irrespective of whether that meant ignoring the harm that she was doing or harming his son, it is likely to show that he had a fear of being abandoned. Thanks to this, his priority was to make sure that his son’s mother didn’t leave him, not to provide his son with what he needed to grow into a strong and powerful man. Back In Time Still, this is not to say that his father was consciously aware of this fear as it is likely to have been outside of his conscious awareness. Even so, it would have defined how he saw his son’s mother and how he behaved. To avoid being left, then, he would have abandoned his son, but, he would have also abandoned himself. Most likely, his father was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during his formative years, and this is why he was not in his power and saw his son's mother as an all-powerful parental figure who needed to be obeyed at all times. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After a man has come to see that he is focused on his mother and is abandoning himself, he can experience a lot of anger toward her. He can be angry about being used and taken advantage of.
To make matters worse, if he were to talk to her about what was going on, she might not listen to what he had to say and could even criticise him. If so, he will be her son and he will have inherent value, but she will treat him as though he has no connection to her and has no value. A lack of Support But, if he were to look back on what it was like for him during his formative years, he might find that this was typically how it was. Not being seen and heard and valued is then not going to be anything new. Additionally, this is likely to have been a time when he had to focus on his mother's needs. As a result of this, a number of his needs would have generally been overlooked, causing him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Developmentally Stunted Therefore, he wouldn’t have received what he needed to go through each developmental stage. It is for this reason that although he won’t want to turn his back on himself any more, he probably won’t just be able to draw the line with his mother. What he is likely to find is that he still has the need to be there for her and, if he does change his behaviour, he feels anxious and fearful. Below this, he can find that he fears that if he starts to live his own life, he will be punished and abandoned and that his life will come to an end. Another Element Moreover, he can find that while he wants to break away from his mother, he is unsure about what he wants to do and how to live his own life. What will play a big part in this is that as he had to focus on his mother’s needs, he would have lost touch with his feelings and a number of his own needs. Together, these two elements will provide him with the guidance that he needs to direct his own life. So, by not having access to this inner information, it is to be expected that he would feel lost and confused if he was not there for his mother. It’s clear With this in mind, if his mother had been able to truly be there for him and not mould him into a parental figure, he would be different. The anger, rage and even hate that he feels as an adult are likely to be a continuation of how he felt as a child. Back then, as it wouldn’t have been safe for him to express these feelings; he would have had to lose touch with them. Nonetheless, even though it can seem as though his mother is solely responsible for what happened to him when he was a child and what is going on for him now that he is an adult, there could be far more to it. Looking Closer During his early years, his father might not have been around. Then again, he might have been around but he might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for his son. Assuming that this was the case, his father might have been walked over and dominated by his mother. He was then an adult, but he wouldn’t have been in his power and he would have been more concerned with pleasing his son’s mother than supporting and protecting his son. His priority What this is likely to show is that his father had a fear of being abandoned and feared that, if he asserted himself and stood up for his son, he would have been left. Thanks to how strong this fear was, he would have done his best to do as he was told and keep his head down, so to speak. The outcome of this is that he would have turned his back on his son, which would have caused his son to be devoured by his mother. Furthermore, in addition to his father turning a blind eye to what was going on, he might have also done his best to make sure that his son did as his mother wanted. All Alone Taking this into account, there will have been the impact that both his mother and his father had on him. If his father had been in his power, he would have been able to support his son and protect him. Most likely, his father had also been undermined by his mother during his formative years and had a father who wasn’t able to be there for him. It was then not that his father wasn’t there for him because there was something inherently wrong with him; no, it was that he couldn’t be there for him. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Projecting The Mother He Wanted Into His Mother?17/4/2024
If a man is in a position where practically his whole life revolves around his mother and he is in a relationship, it can be hard for his partner to understand what is going on. But, as he will be her son, not her parent, this is to be expected.
Moreover, he will be an individual who has his own needs and feelings. Therefore, he is not here to act as though he is an extension of his mother; he is here to live his own life. A Brick Wall However, although he will be living in a way that is not serving him, he might not be aware of this. And, if his partner were to talk to him about what is going on, he might not be able to hear what she says. He is then going to have eyes to see but it won’t be possible for him to see what is right in front of him. As opposed to him being a conscious human being, then, it will be as if he is a programmed machine. Self-Harm This machine will have been programmed to behave in a way that serves one person in particular. The trouble is that, as he is not a machine and has needs and feelings, behaving in this way will be wearing him down. He can then make out that he is behaving in the right way but he is still going to be depriving himself. At this point, it can be hard to understand why he would be behaving in a way that is undermining him and be comfortable doing so. Two Levels Nonetheless, while he will be harming himself, if behaving in this way wasn’t serving him in some way, he wouldn’t behave in this way. To understand how he is benefitting, it will be necessary to take a deeper look at what his early years were like. This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded. In all likelihood, his mother was unable to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. The Reason She had probably been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. This would have meant that she was developmentally stunted and unable to truly be there for her son. Deep down, she is likely to have seen her son as a being who could give her what she missed out on. A time when her son needed to receive would then have been a time when he was forced to give and be there for his mother. Frozen In Time Many, many years will have passed since he was a boy, but, a big part of him won’t have moved on from this stage of his life. In other words, his physical and mental self will have grown but his emotional self won’t have. At a deeper level, the level of his unconscious mind, he will still be looking for the love that he missed out on all those years ago. Along with the unmet development needs that he is carrying, there will be all the pain that his brain repressed. Hidden His conscious mind is then going to be unaware of what is taking place for him at this level but this material will be controlling his life. Focusing on his mother will be a way for him to try to meet his unmet developmental needs and keep his pain at bay. What this will illustrate is that, at a deeper level, it is not possible for him to see that it is too late for him to meet these needs and that his mother is unable to love him. This shows that the view that this other part of him has of his mother has very little basis in reality. A Closer Look When it comes to the view that he has of her, it can relate to her being loving, warm, caring and good. He will believe that if he continues to focus on her and does what he can to please her, she will shower him with her love. What this is likely to show is that, to handle to pain that he experienced as a child, he came to believe that he was bad and was at fault and that his mother was good and wasn’t at fault. This is partly a consequence of the fact that he was egocentric and personalised what was going on and partly a consequence of the fact that blaming himself gave him a false sense of control and the hope that he could change what was going on. Facing Reality If he had accepted what she was like all those years ago, it would have been too much for him to handle. Now that he is an adult, he is a lot stronger, but, as he will be carrying a number of unmet developmental needs and the pain that he had to repress, seeing his mother for who she is, not who he wants her to be would unlock a lot of pain. For him no longer project the mother he wanted into this mother and see her clearly, he will have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Create A Disconnected False Self?15/4/2024
When someone is connected to their body, they will have access to their needs and feelings. By having this connection to themselves, they will be able to freely express who they are and live a life that is worth living.
What will also play a part in them being able to live in this way will be the felt sense of safety and worth that they have. As, if they didn’t feel safe enough to live in this way or worthy of living this way, they wouldn’t be able to consistently express themselves. Just how it is However, if it is normal for someone to freely express themselves and their life is in alignment with who they are, they might not realise that they have a felt sense of safety and worth. This can show that they have more or less always been this way. For them to notice this, then, and even that they are connected to their body, they would probably need to have an experience that shakes them up, so to speak. Yet, even if this were to occur, they could soon return to how they were before and forget about how it was. A Different Reality If, on the other hand, someone is not connected to their body and doesn’t have access to a number of their needs and feelings, they won’t be able to freely express who they are and live a life that is worth living. By not having this connection with themselves, they will live on the surface of themselves. Most likely, they won’t have a felt sense of safety or worth. As, if they did feel safe enough to be in their body and worthy of freely expressing themselves, their life would be different. The Norm But, as with the person above, this can just be what is normal, which will stop them from realising what is going on. Once again, this can show that they have more or less always been this way. So, for them to become aware of what is going on, they would probably need to have an experience that allows them to momentarily reconnect to their body. But, as with the example above, they could soon go back to how they were and forget about what it was like. Outer Directed Anyway, by not being rooted in their own body and connected to all of their needs and feelings, they are likely to look towards others to guide them. This can be something that takes place without them being consciously aware of it. Additionally, they can have the tendency to play a role. This can mean that they will generally come across as easy-going, happy, and as though nothing bothers them, for instance. A Mask But, even if they do come across in this way, this is going to be nothing more than a facade. Ultimately, as they won’t be in tune with themselves and will be living a life that is not in alignment with who they are, it won’t be possible for them to be truly happy. Yet, as they are not in tune with how they feel, they won’t just be deceiving others; they will also be deceiving themselves. Naturally, living in this way is going to take its toll on them. The Mask Drops Sooner or later, they might arrive at the point where they can no longer behave in this way and it could get harder for them to maintain the illusion that they are happy. Nonetheless, a big part of them could still have the need to behave in the same way and make out that everything is fine. If they were to merely think about changing their behaviour and express how they feel, they could feel anxious and fearful. Based on this, it will be as though they can only survive by hiding themselves and playing a role. A Strange Scenario At this point, they could wonder what is going on and why it is so difficult for them to be real. What they could find is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. If this is the case, what this may illustrate is that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were unable to truly be there for them and provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Back in Time Due to this, they would have seldom if ever been seen and heard; instead, they would have been forced to adapt to their parent or parent's needs and play a role. If they expressed themselves, they might have been disapproved of, punished, harmed and/or rejected. Not receiving the attunement and love that they needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle the pain that they were in and the lack of love that was on offer, their brain would have repressed how they felt, a number of their needs and parts of themselves. The Outcome As a result of this, they would have gradually left their body to avoid the pain they were in and created a disconnected false self. This self will have been outer-directed and dependent on the approval of others in order to feel safe, worthy and loved. They would have come to believe, as a consequence of being egocentric, that pleasing others was the only way for them to be supported and survive and that there was something inherently wrong with them. To be able to reconnect to themselves and freely express who they are, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on how they behave, is that they have the tendency to ignore their feelings and a number of their needs. Due to this, they are typically going to act as though they are an extension of others as opposed to a separate human being.
Thanks to this, they are likely to be well and truly fed up and no longer want to behave in this way. But, as they will be neglecting themselves, it is to be expected that they will be this way. A Different View However, although they will be neglecting themselves, most if not all of the people in their life might not be aware of this. Thus, if these people were to describe them, they could say that they are selfless and considerate. This is likely to mean that they will be used to receiving a fair amount of positive feedback. But, irrespective of this, they will be deprived of what they need to live a life that is fulfilling. A Different Experience For this to change, they will need to pay attention to how they feel and to meet their needs. Still, if they were to imagine paying attention to how they feel and expressing their needs, they could feel uncomfortable. This can be a time when they will feel anxious and they could soon have the need to go back to how they were before. What could also enter their mind is that if they no longer turn their back on themselves, they will be punished, rejected and even abandoned. A Lot of Resistance From this, it will be as though they will only be accepted and survive if they turn their back on themselves. At this stage, this is likely to be seen as something that is the truth. In reality, they don’t need to turn their back on themselves to be accepted and survive. Considering this, it could be said that not only is this just something that they believe but that that it is irrational. Back In Time Nevertheless, if what took place during their formative years was taken into account, how they behave as an adult might make complete sense. This may have been a stage of their life when one of their parents didn’t see them as an individual who had their own needs and feelings. Instead, they might have been seen as an extension of this parent. If so, they would have been forced to adapt to this parent and do what this parent wanted them to do. The outcome A stage of their life, then, when they needed an attuned parent who could generally meet their needs was a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. A big part of this adaption process would have been for them to lose touch with their feelings and a number of their needs. Additionally, parts of themselves would have also been split off and repressed. The connection that they had with themselves would have soon been replaced by a disconnected false self that allowed them to be accepted and survive. No Choice As they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to change this parent or find another family. Becoming a stranger to themselves was the only way for them to handle a stage of their life that caused them to suffer immensely. Yet, while this stage of their life will be over, a big part of them won’t realise this. This is then why they are unable to accept that they can listen to themselves and be accepted and survive. Another Element In addition to this, as they were egocentric at this stage, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that this parent couldn’t attune to them and provide them with the love that they needed; it was that there was something inherently wrong with them and they were unlovable. Most likely, this parent had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. This could be something that goes back many, many generations. The Truth For them to know, at the core of their being, that they can be connected to and express who they are and be accepted and survive, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may see, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they have been with a number of people who more or less showered them with love, practically as soon as they met them, and then, before long, they changed. It would then have been as though they were the centre of the other person’s world at one point in time and at another, they were a mere afterthought.
But, if the other person didn’t fade away after being a big part of their life, they might have gone from being very warm to being very cold. If they were in one season, then, they would have soon ended up in another. A Strange Scenario When they think about how this area of their life has been on a number of occasions, they could struggle to understand what is going on. They are likely to have a strong need to meet someone who is not only interested in them at the beginning but stays that way as time passes. However, thanks to the experiences that they have had, they might not want to date another person right now. But, if they have been forgotten about and mistreated by people who showed them a lot of interest in the beginning, this is to be expected. Full of Doubt What can enter their mind is that if someone does show interest in the future, they might not be able to accept that it is genuine. A big part of them can believe that if another person does show them interest it’s because they are trying to manipulate them. Due to this, they can have a strong need to put this area of their life to one side and focus on other areas. At this time, it will be important for them to be kind and compassionate to themselves. The Same Experience After a while, they could feel a need to start dating again and they could meet someone who is very interested in them. This person can send them a lot of messages, call them a lot, want to spend a lot of time with them and send them a lot of gifts, for instance. Yet, as they have been through this before, a big part of them could feel as though something isn’t right and that things are moving too fast. They could also think about how the other person doesn’t really know them but they are acting as if they have known them for ages. A Big Red Flag Thanks to what is going on for them, they could soon put the brakes on and cut their ties with the other person. Still, it might take a while before the other person is able to accept their decision and keep their distance. After having been in this position on a number of occasions, they could wonder what is going on. Part of them might believe that they are a powerless victim, while another part of them might not be able to accept this. A Closer Look If they were to connect with how they feel, they could find that they feel invisible, ignored, worthless and unlovable. Along with this, they could see that a big part of them is desperate to be seen, heard, valued, loved and receive affection. Therefore, when they meet someone who showers them with their time, attention and affection, it is naturally going to be very appealing to them. As a result of how empty they feel, getting to know someone and seeing if they are a good match will have typically been the last thing on their mind. What going on? At this stage, they could wonder why they are this way and why they don’t feel like a whole and complete human being. What this can illustrate is that their early years were a time when their mother and/or father were emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Consequently, they would have rarely if ever been seen and heard, with them often feeling ignored, invisible, worthless, rejected, unwanted and unloved. This would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. One option To handle being deprived and the pain that this caused them, a number of their development needs and the pain they were in would have been repressed by their brain. If they were not powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to change what was going on or to find another family. Furthermore, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their mother and/or father were unable to give them what they needed; it was that they were worthless and unlovable. The Outcome Now, many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but they will have unknowingly been trying to meet their unmet development needs. But, as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that another person is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to meet these needs. So, when they meet someone and this person is warm, it will give this other part of them the hope that they will finally receive what they missed out on, and, when this person is cold, they will feel how they felt all those years ago. For them to put this stage of their life behind them, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Now that someone is an adult, they can have the tendency to feel bad about themselves. And, it might not matter what they do or how they live their life, as it might not change the sense of badness that they often experience.
Along with this, they can have an overly developed sense of responsibility and believe that they are more or less always to blame whenever something goes wrong. Thus, they will end up feeling worse during the moments when they hold themselves accountable for something that hasn’t got anything to do with them. Weighed Down To say that they will carry the weight of the world on their shoulders will be an understatement. Naturally, with all this pressure and the painful feelings that they often experience, their life is not going to be very fulfilling. They could spend a lot of time feeling down and depressed and they might even have moments when they think about ending their life. What this will show is how beaten down they are and how unbearable their life is. Self-Sabotage Furthermore, thanks to how they usually feel, they might have the inclination to push good things out of their life. This is not to say that they will do this consciously, though, as it can take place without them being aware of it. For example, if they were to meet someone who treats them well and were to build a healthy relationship, it could soon come to an end. Ultimately, due to how they feel and see themselves, they won’t feel worthy and deserving of having a relationship like this. One More How they feel and see themselves can also stop them from moving forward in their job or career. So, they might have been at the same level for many, many years. Or, they might have been able to take a step or a few steps forward, only to soon return to where they were before. Once again, moving forward and being successful won’t be seen as something that they are worthy and deserving of. Stepping Back After experiencing life in this way for however long and getting to the point where they can’t tolerate it any more, they could start to wonder why they feel so bad about themselves and are to blame for just about everything that happens. They could also look back on their life to try to find out what it is that they have done that is so bad that they deserve to be punished forever. They might not be able to work out why they feel so bad and are to blame for just about everything or find something that they have done that is so bad that they deserve to be punished forever. What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were anything but nurturing. Blocked out Their brain will have caused them to consciously forget about what happened in order to allow them to keep it together and function. The outcome of this is that what happened during this stage of their life will continue to define how they feel and see themselves but they won’t be able to join the dots, to speak. If they were able to go back in time and have a few of the experiences that they had all those years ago, how they experience life as an adult might soon make complete sense. Throughout this stage of their life, they are likely to have often been blamed for the problems that their family had. A Walking Target This might have been something that only one of their parents did, or it might have been something that both of them did. Then again, one parent might have blamed them more than the other for what was going on. Regardless of this, they would have often been seen as the problem and, thus, if it wasn’t for them, everything would have been fine. Being told off, put down, and perhaps isolated would then have been normal. Taken To Heart Although what was going on wasn’t their fault and one or both of their parents were probably a deeply wounded human being who might have had personality disorder, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that one or both of their parents were not in a good way and were blaming them for things that were their fault; no, it was that they were bad and deserved to be punished. Furthermore, taking responsibility for what was going on would have given them a false sense of power and the hope that they could change what was going on if they tried hard enough. But, as they were not to blame for how they were being treated and one or both of their parents were not in a good way, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. The Truth Being treated in this way would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. What they needed was for their worth and lovability to be mirrored back to them, to allow them to develop a felt sense of worth, deserving and lovability. For them to change their life, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet development needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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