As time has passed, there has been a greater need for everything to happen faster. The pace of the world has rapidly increased and a lot of people no longer want to wait for things. In some cases, if someone wants something they will want it now and if they can’t have it now, then they might end up choosing something they can have straight away. This might match up with what they want or it could just satiate their needs for a short period of time. But while some things can be attainted without too much time having passed, there are some things that one is going to have to wait for. And when it comes to achievement and success, one is going to need to be able to delay gratification. As the saying goes ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ and the same thing applies to success. This is something that takes time and unless one is able to put their need to experience pleasure to one side, they are not going to be able to go the distance. Pleasure And Pain When one receives what they what it is going to be pleasurable and when they don’t, it is going to be painful. And while these two experiences will depend on what they do or don’t receive, it will also depend on their perceptions. This shows how important the mind is when it comes to experiencing pleasure or pain. The body is going to call out to have certain needs fulfilled and the mind will have to moderate these needs. Two Levels On one level is going to be the adult part of oneself and on the other is going to be the child part oneself. The adult part if going to realise that they can’t have everything straight away and at times it will be important for them to be patient. On the other hand, the child part of them is going to want everything now and won’t be able to be patient. In the eyes of an adult, the world looks one way and in the eyes of a child, the world looks another way. An adult is going to realise that if they don’t get what they they won’t will still survive. But to a child, their survival is going to be based on getting what they want straight away. They can’t afford to wait, it has to arrive now. Different Needs But when it comes to what a child needs, these are generally going to be needs that can be met straight away. And these are going to include the need to be held, touched, fed and heard. However, when it comes to the need to achieve something, this is rarely going to be a need that can be fulfilled straight away. These needs are going to be a lot more complex than simply being held or fed for instance. Stuck The challenge is that, although one may be an adult physically, it doesn’t mean they feel like one. And this is going to create problems when it comes to being able to moderating that child like or impulsive part of themselves. One could be in a position where they view their need for success like a child views their need for food. The child is not going to be able to wait for very long and as success unlikely to be something that happens overnight, it is going to cause one to experience pain. Sabotage So as it is not going to be possible for them to fulfil their needs straight away, it could mean that they end up sabotaging their success. Instead of hanging in there and being able to handle the pain, it could cause them to give up. Their attention is then placed on something that will allow them to experience instant gratification. In the short term it will cause them to feel good and to experience less pain, but it is also going to mean that they are unable to achieve anything significant. A Vicious Cycle And through staying in the same place and not moving forward, it can create an even grater need to have something straight away. This is due to the pain that could be created through staying in the same position in life. Point Of Focus When one wants something straight away, they are focusing on their current needs. But if one is able to put their current needs to one side and to focus on the big picture, it will be a lot easier to delay gratification. Being unable to delay gratification could also be a sign that one has some emotional work to do. For if one feels like a child, it is going to be a lot harder for them to put things off.
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While some people are able to handle break ups reasonably well, there are other people who find them to be extremely difficult. And although it could all depend on how long the relationship has lasted for or on the kind of connection that they had with the other person, these two factors are not always important.
It may have been a relationship that only lasted for a short period of time and there may have been little, if any, connection. It could have been abusive for instance. But even if it hasn’t lasted for very long or it wasn’t working, it doesn’t mean that one can simply move on. This is something that could happen to anyone and yet, there are some people who are going to have experienced this on numerous occasions. It could even have become a way of life and something they have become accustomed to. Pain So whenever one experiences the end of a relationship it is going to be extremely painful. Other people could say that it didn’t last for very long or that it wasn’t working and many other things and yet, this is not going to make any difference. Intellectually one may agree and wonder why they feel as they do. At an emotional level, one could end up feeling as they have self destructed. One minute one was in a relationship and now they are not, and it could feel like the end of the world no matter what did or didn’t happen when they were together. Abandonment And for some people, this pain is going to be the result of feeling abandoned. It then won’t matter how long their relationships last for or how fulfilling they are, as one is going to end up feeling the same. When a relationship comes to an end, it could feel as though one has lost part of themselves. It could be so overwhelming, that one feels as though they are going to die. Through feeling this way, one could end up doing things that are far from healthy. Consequences One may end up finding another relationship as soon as they can to avoid feeling abandoned. It might not matter who it is or how compatible they are, as long as one finds someone to take their pain away. This could even cause one to use alcohol or drugs as a way to numb their pain. Or they could just let the pain consume them and end up feeling down and depressed. Avoidance So some people will soon end up in another relationship and there will be other people who go in the opposite direction. They will do all they can to avoid getting to close to another person. This will allow them to experience a greater sense of control over how they feel; the downside is that one is still going to feel abandoned. It might not be as strong, but it won’t simply go away. Time Goes By However, as the need to be close to another won’t go away, one could soon be in another relationship. And there is then the chance that one will end up in the same position they were in before. Over Reacting So other people could find it hard to understand why one feels as they do and one might have the same outlook. They could say that one needs to move on or let go. But due to the pain they are experiencing, it is not possible for them to just move on and let go. The relationship has come to an end and one is still alive, but at an emotional level, they can feel completely overwhelmed. And not only will they feel abandoned; they can also feel hopeless and powerless and there can also experience extreme grief. Emotional Build Up Every time a relationship comes to an end and one feels abandoned, it is going to add to how they felt before when a relationship ended. That is unless they have worked through their emotions. So it is clear to see why it can be so painful. And the reason why one does feel abandoned when a relationship comes to an end could due to what happened during their childhood years. Childhood And to be abandoned as a child is going to be overwhelming and feel like the end of the world. At that age, one doesn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions. So when one was abandoned and no one was around, their emotional pain would not have been processed. It would have ended up being trapped in their body. And although being abandoned was painful, it would have been associated as familiar and therefore safe. So all the time these emotions are trapped in one’s body, one will continue to re-create the same experiences. Awareness So in order for one to move beyond this pattern in their life, it will be important for them to let go of the emotional build up within them. As this takes place, one will no longer need to re-create the same experience or to feel the same. This is something that can take place through the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
While the ideal is for someone to live their truth, this is not always possible. And one reason why this is not possible is when they have a fear of being abandoned. Their choices and decisions in life are then going to be defined by this fear and what is actually right for them is going to be overlooked. So the need is going to be there, but in most cases, this will be as far as it goes. One is then going to be used to ignoring their own needs and wants, and fulfilling the wants and needs of other people. This is not to say that everyone who has this fear is going to be affected in the same ways. For some people, this fear is going to be stronger than it is for others. But no matter how strong it is, one’s life is still going to be controlled by it. Different Levels One may be in a position where they are aware of how much of an impact this fear is having on their life. But just because they are aware of it, it doesn’t mean they will know how to move beyond it. And there is also going to be other people who are generally unaware of how this fear is impacting their life. They are then enslaved to their own emotions and unable to recognise what is taking place. However, even though there can be differences in how aware people are, it can all depend on what is taking place. Certain situations could give one the chance to realise what is happening, whereas, other situations might not. Conflict So on one side, one is going to have the need to say or do something and yet, this may be as far as it goes. Ones needs are going to be frustrated and they are going to have to ignore themselves. Their greatest need will be to express their truth, but this not what feels comfortable. The only thing that feels comfortable is doing all they can to avoided being abandoned. What feels safe is pleasing others and pleasing oneself therefore feels unsafe. Sabotage One is then not working with themselves, they working against themselves. Having to compromise, being violated and even abused could then be something one is used to. So this is not going to enable them to experience relationships that are healthy and functional. What it could mean is that one’s relationships are extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional. For some people, this might be the only thing they have known and not realise that it is possible for their relationships to be different. Relationships This could mean that one unable to leave an abusive relationship. Part of them may want to leave and never see the person again, but another part of them is going to fear leaving them. One may end up with people they are not truly attracted to and while this leaves them feeling unfulfilled, it means that they don’t have to be alone. Being with another pushes their fear of being abandoned out of their awareness and being by themselves brings it up to the surface. Another option would be for one to avoid intimate relationships altogether. One could still feel abandoned, but it allows them to keep this fear under control. If they are with another person, they are not going to experience the same control. Boundaries Having boundaries means that one is able to stand up for themselves and to say no when it is appropriate. But if one has a fear of being abandoned, it is going to mean that affirming their boundaries and saying no is going to be more or less impossible. In the back of their mind, it is going to be choice between speaking up and being abandoned, or going along with what the other person wants to here and not being abandoned. What this shows is that when someone has a fear of being abandoned, there is no middle ground. They either please others or they end up being abandoned. In their mind it is not possible for them to speak their truth and to not be abandoned for doing do. A Closer Look When someone fears being abandoned, it is clear that it doesn’t just mean that one will simply be left by the other person or people. It means something far more severe than that. What it means is that, if another person leaves them, they will feel emotionally overwhelmed and it could feel as though they are going to die. From another angle, their emotional experience relates to how a child would feel if they were abandoned and not an adult. And this is because someone’s emotional development doesn’t always match up with their physical or intellectual development. Childhood One of the main reasons why someone would fear being abandoned is because of what happened during their childhood years. There could have been times when one was abandoned during certain moments or for long periods of time. These experiences would have been traumatising and as these experiences have not been processed, they have continued to have an impact on one’s life. There is likely to be grief that needs to be released, as well as other trapped emotions. Awareness This may be something that one needs to work on with a therapist or some kind of healer. They will give one the support they need to get in touch with their trapped emotions and to gradually release them.
While having needs is part of being human, there is a big difference between having needs and being ‘needy’. When it comes to ones needs, one is going to be aware of what they are and then go about getting them met. And at times they will be met and at times they won’t be. So in this case, they are a part of one’s life and yet they don’t consume their life. It is not the end of the world if they are not met; as one will know that is won’t be long until they are. Therefore, they will be coming place a place of trust and not fear. Needy However, when one is needy, their attention is going to be completely consumed by their needs. And when one doesn’t have their needs fulfilled, it could end up being incredibly painful. This is because they are not used to getting their needs met and each time their needs are not fulfilled, it adds to their existing neediness. One unfulfilled need then piles on top of the other and the more this happens, the needier they become. They are not going to be able to let go very easily, if at all. This is going to mean that one is coming from a place of attachment and fear. And when their needs are not met, it is going to reinforce their belief that it is not possible for have their needs met on a regular basis. The Cycle One is then going to be caught up in a cycle and the more needy they become, the harder it is going to be to get their needs met. It could get to the point where ones needs are never met. And as the saying goes – ‘the hungry never get fed’. So even though one is going to have a greater need to have their needs met than someone who is already having their needs met, it won’t matter. The people who are not attached to having their needs met are generally going to be the ones that end up having them met. One could look at the people who are getting their needs met and feel that life is not fair or another interpretation could be made. Impersonal However, it has nothing to do with who one is, it is simply a reflection of where they are coming from. The world is mirroring back how one feels and it is not responding to what they want or need. When one is needy, it is going to mean they feel a certain way. And their life experiences will then match up with these feelings. And while this is taking place, one can say they want to have their needs and wants met, but these are just words. In order for ones experiences to match up with what is going on inside their head, their feelings are going to need to match up. The feelings are the fuel, words are just there to direct their fuel. Out Of Touch If one is aware of how their feelings are being mirrored back to them they are going to realise that they need to change how they feel. But if one is not aware of what is taking place within them, they are going to suffer. It could cause one to believe that their needs are a burden and that other people are put off by them. Here, one could end up feeling powerless, hopeless and that they have no control. Relationships So when one is needy, it is going to have an big impact on their relationships. Other people could find them to be: clingy, overwhelming, intense and draining. But as one is so needy, they could be completely oblivious to their behaviour. And instead of being able to see their behaviour in the eyes of another, they could end up feeling rejected and abandoned. If one was exposed to someone who acted in the same way, it might mean that their needs would be fulfilled, but it wouldn’t be long until they were repelled by their behaviour. From A Distance One doesn’t even need to be in another person’s presence to have an effect, as people are still going to respond to how they are feeling. Consciously other people might not why they are repelled, but at a deeper level they are going to pick up on how one feels. Even though the mind views everything from a place separation, the body is connected to all that is. Separation is therefore an illusion and one is constantly communicating with everything and everyone. This means that the universe is simply responding to how one feels. Feeling Different So in order for one to get their needs met, they need to change how they feel. As they become less needy, it is going to be a lot easier for them to get their needs met. The question is: why would someone be so needy in the first place? Reasons One reason is because they have unmet needs from their childhood that need to be grieved. The pain of not getting their needs met all those years ago has remained in their body and this then causes them to feel like a needy child. Another reason could be because they don’t feel safe letting other people get too close to them. So although they have needs, through needing to keep people at a distance, their needs build up and become out of balance. Awareness If one finds that they can relate to one or both of these, then it will be important for them to release the trapped emotions from their body. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Another option is to have some kind of body work; through being touched, one will be able to settle down and feel less needy. This touch might also allow one to feel more comfortable with intimacy. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Just because one is with someone who looks different to the person they were in a relationship with before, it doesn’t mean that their experience is going to be any different. And if ones last experience was generally healthy and functional, this is not going to be something that one is going to complain about. However, if the relationship they are now in reflects their past relationship and this was a relationship that was unhealthy and dysfunctional, then this is going to be incredibly frustrating to say the least. This could also apply to someone who is currently taking a break from relationships. After having one unhealthy experience after another; one may have come to the conclusion that it is better to be single than to keep having the same painful experiences or that they need to do something different. The Intellect Now, the brain in one’s head is going to come up with all kinds of reasons as to why this is happening. The minds ideas could cause one to gain a greater understanding of why they keep experiencing the same things or it could cause them to end up feeling like a victim. It is then not possible for one to get to the root of these challenges and gradually move on. Instead, one can end up believing that the world is against them, that they are unlucky and/or that there is something inherently wrong with them. Education And as people are generally not educated when it comes to why they are attracted to the people they are and why they attract the people they do, it is not much of a surprise if one ends up feeling hopeless. The fact one has challenges is not the problem, as this is part of life, the problem is that one is unaware of what is actually going on. When it comes to who one is attracted to or attracts into their life, it is often seen as something that happens randomly. So based on this, there is very little that one can do about what is taking place. Common Interpretations It could be taken as a sign that one needs to kiss a lot of frogs before they find the kind of person that they get on with; how the one will soon appear if one just waits long enough. Other people could say that one is just unlucky or too nice, amongst other things. But ultimately, these are just labels and do not shed any light on why one attracts or is attracted to the people that they are. And more to the point: why they continually repeat unhealthy relationship patterns. Patterns There are all kinds of scenarios that can play out here and one may find that they experience some more than others. One may find that they attract people who are emotionally unavailable. They could be drawn to people who come across as charming at first and then before long, end up being abusive. Another person may show interest in the beginning, but as the relationship progresses, they end up pulling away and one ends up feeling abandoned and rejected. Or another may show interest one moment and then disinterest in the next; it is then hard to work out where one stands. The Story So there is going to be what happens and this is the ‘story’ and then there is going to be how one feels as a result of what happens. It would be easy to say that the reason one feels as they do is because of what keeps happening. And while this could be the case, it is more likely to be due to how they feel. Their feelings are then causing them to re-create the same story over and over again. These are not feelings that just appear and then disappear though; these are going to be feelings that have remained trapped in their body. Childhood Pain Even though one is now an adult and their childhood years are behind them, it doesn’t mean that their childhood pain has been processed and grieved. One then ends up repeating their childhood all over again. It is no longer their mother or father who is unavailable for example; it is their present day partner. So although these experiences don’t allow one to have what they want, they are associated as familiar and therefore safe by their ego mind (the brain in their body). This undeveloped part of them is also looking towards other people to fulfil the needs that were not met by their caregivers. Unconscious Expectations One then attracts people who remind them of their caregivers with the expectation that they are going to give them what their caregivers couldn’t. On one side, it impossible for another adult to fulfil these unmet childhood needs. And as a result of attracting people that reflect their caregivers, one is going to re-create the same experiences and this means they are going to end up feeling the same. Feeling Work The emotions that have remained trapped in one’s body will need to be faced and released. What happens or the people one attracts or is attracted to is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things; what matters is how one feels and in facing these feelings. One is not trying to change how they feel or to think differently, they are simply facing their emotional truth. They are grieving what they didn’t get all those years ago and this is not something that is going to happen overnight. Awareness The assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of body worker may be needed. And as one processes their past, the need to re–create the same patterns will gradually begin to disappear.
Some people might believe that their thoughts are their own and that their environment has no effect on them whatsoever. And there are going to be other people who will see how their environment does affect them; but this may only relate to certain factors that are relatively easy to notice. Then there are going to be other people who realise that it is not just what they are aware of that is having an impact on what they are thinking, it is also what they are unaware of. Ones environment is then having a constant effect on what is going on in one’s mind. Taking Control But this doesn’t mean that one is therefore powerless and has no control. As people have shown who have risen up from a life of struggle and misery for instance; it is possible for someone to take control of what is going on in their head. And as this takes places, one can do what they need to change their environment and if this is not possible, they can limit the affect that it is having on them. If one is not able to change their environment, through taking control of their mind, there is likely to come a time when this is possible. Aware When one is aware of the factors in their environment that are shaping their thoughts, it is going give one the chance to do something about them. They might not be able to completely remove them, but what they may be able to do is to remove themselves from them temporarily. And this could be enough to improve their state of mind for a short time and allow them to focus their attention on something that is more constructive and life affirming. As this energy accumulates, one might be able to use it to gradually change their environment. For example, if one lives in an area where there is very little greenery, they could visit an area where this is not the case. They will still to go back to the built up area where they live, but it will give them chance to think and feel differently for a short period of time and this might influence the rest of their life. Unaware If one has lived in an environment for a certain time or for most of their life, they might not know how much of an impact it is having on how they think. Its effect may have been gradual and not something that has happened over night. One is then in a position of not knowing what they don’t know. They could then feel uninspired, down and indifferent and this may relate to the kind of environments that they spend their time in. Through reflecting on how one feels in each environment, one might be able to realise what environments are having a negative impact on their life. Or they could take a break from where they usually spend their time and see what impact this has on them. Deduction It then doesn’t matter that one is unaware of what is shaping their thoughts; as through avoiding certain environments, one will be able to realise what is enhancing their life and what isn’t. This means that one is no longer in a reactive role, they are taking on an active role. From a place of being oblivious to how their surroundings are affecting them, to gradually becoming aware of how they surroundings are affecting them. And this is something can becomes part of one’s life. Contrast What this is all comes down is contrast and how it is only possible to become aware of how limiting one environment is by exposing oneself to another environment that is not as limiting. To create this contrast, one doesn’t necessarily have to completely change where they live, change their job or to travel the world. It might be enough just to: drive a different way to work or use a different form of transport, to paint ones bedroom a different colour, to read a different book, to get in touch with a friend that one hasn’t spoken to in a while or to take up a new hobby. Incremental Change This is not something that needs to happen overnight; one can gradually change where they spend their time and what they are exposed to. There is then less pressure and one is more likely to be consistent in their actions, instead of feeling overwhelmed and unable to commit to the changes that they need to make. Awareness So if one is aware of what causes them to think in a certain way, it can lead to two advantages. On one side this means that one will know what they need to avoid. And on the other side it means that one will know what they need to be around in order to think in a certain way. As the saying goes - ‘knowledge is power’.
When it comes to being successful and achieving what one wants to achieve, it is important that one believes in themselves. Without this belief, one is going to find it difficult to achieve anything. So not only will it be impossible for one to thrive, it could also be a real challenge for them to just survive. And as Theodore Roosevelt once said - "Believe you can and you're halfway there’’. This shows how much of an advantage one will have if they believe in themselves. This is not to say that one doesn’t have to do anything and everything will simply fall into place. However, what it will mean is that one will show up in life and give something a go; they might go all the way or they may decide it is not for them. The belief that they have in themselves allows them to take action. A State Of Mind Having self belief doesn’t mean that one never experiences challenges or that they ignore them, what it means is that one knows they will be able to overcome them. And this is unlikely to be the result of thinking logically; it will be something that they just ‘know’. Challenges will then come and go and yet, their self belief is likely to remain. And with each challenge that one overcomes, their self belief is likely to increase. The power of momentum is then at play, and one success can end up catapulting them onto another. The Onlooker In the eyes of other people, they may believe that the reason one believes in themselves is because they are highly competent in what they do or in life in general. Or they could believe that one is simply deluded and can’t see where this belief comes from. And while their outer reality and what they have achieved is going to reflect their inner belief, they had to believe in themselves first, or their outer reality wouldn’t be what it is and they wouldn’t have achieved what they have. One may seem deluded, but then, belief is not something that one attains by meeting certain requirements. It is not based on anything external or through receiving other people’s permission either. How other people view someone who does have self belief will be the result of their own interpretations. Therefore, one may have no idea why another person believes in themselves. They’re Different To say that people who believe in themselves are different to people who don’t would be partly true. They are different to a certain degree, but they’re not inherently different. At some point in this person’s life, there is going to be a least one person who believed in them. And like a seed, this support would have allowed them to gradually develop their own self belief. External Support No one is their own island after all; each and every one of us needs other people to be able to grow and develop. This external support could have come from a family member, a friend and/or teacher, for example. It may have been something that one experienced for many years or it may have been something one experienced for a short period of time. But no matter how long it lasted, it was enough to make a difference in their life. Developing Self Belief The reason one doesn’t believe in themselves is then not because they are missing something, it is because they have not received what they need to receive in order to develop self belief. And this means that if one gets the right support, they will be able to develop self belief. To use a quote by Dov Baron – ‘’every one of us needs someone to believe in us long enough for us to develop the inner strength to believe in ourselves...Find yourself a Mentor!’’. This quote shows how important it is to receive the right support from others. So if one hasn’t received this support until this point, it doesn’t mean this has to continue for much longer. Awareness Everyone needs help from time to time and this is not something that one should feel ashamed of or that they are therefore incapable. This support can come from a coach, trusted friend or some kind of teacher. It doesn’t matter who this support comes form, what matter is that one reaches out for it. One could read books that are supportive and yet, this might not be enough.
In today’s world it is highly unlikely that one will have trouble finding something to focus on. No matter where they look or where they, there is going to be something to place their attention on. And at times this will mean that their time and energy is being used wisely and at other times, it won’t. If this is something that takes place now and then, it probably won’t have much of an impact on one’s life. We all need to be distracted from time to time and to engage in some kind of escapism. And yet, if this was to become a way of life, then it is going to cause one to waste a lot of time and energy. So instead of one being able to move forward and to progress, they are going to end up staying where they are or they might even end up going backwards. Support If one is in a position where they are around people who can remind them of what matters, then one will be able to get back on track before their life gets out of hand. And when this support is not there, one is not going to have anyone around to remind them of what matters and their life could then spiral out of control. The senses are easily engaged and this means that one will have to exercise their self control. This is why it will be important for someone to get in touch with truly matters and to keep this in mind if they ever allow themselves to be distracted. Point Of Power Once one is aware of what matters, they can do what they need to do in order to make it a reality; this is going to include short term as well as long term plans. However, ones point of power is over their own actions and not over other people’s actions. Of course, one can influence others and other people will play a part in one being able to fulfil their own needs and wants. But at the same time, other people have their own free will and the right to do what they choose. Point Of Focus So all the time one’s point of focus is on what they can do, they are in a place of power and are able to make the changes they need to move forward. And yet, when one places their point of focus on external sources that they have no control over, they are no longer in a place of power or able to make the changes they need to make. It is often said that while one can’t control what happens, they can’t control how they respond to what happens. And this shows how important it is for one to focus on what they can control and not on what they can’t control. A Different Perspective When one is purely focused on what they can’t control or change, not only is it going to waste their time and energy, it is also going to cause them to have a disempowering perspective. One can end up believing that they have no control over their life and that other people have all the control. Not only is this perspective disempowering, it is also inaccurate. Even though one does have control over their life, they will only realise this is they let go of their need to control the uncontrollable or to change the unchangeable. Normal And if one is caught up in what is going on ‘out there’, this way of seeing life might be normal. There is then the chance that one hasn’t even thought about how different their life could be and how much more control they could have if only they changed their outlook and point of focus. To change this could cause one to feel uncomfortable and this is because it has become familiar. But while it may be familiar, it is having a detrimental effect on one’s life. And so even though it may feel uncomfortable in the beginning, the tension will soon subside. A New Way Through focusing on what one can control and change, when something doesn’t go to plan or one comes up against some kind of obstacle, one will no longer need to feel powerless and that there is nothing they can do. Their focus and therefore their time and energy, will enable them to move forward. Awareness If one finds it hard to focus, it might be necessary for them to seek the assistance of a friend or some kind of coach. With their assistance, one can bring their attention back to what matters.
Change is part of life, and what was acceptable at one point in time, is not necessarily acceptable at another. And while this can be a sign of growth, it can also be a sign that opinions have changed and therefore mean very little in terms of social evolution. The fact that women are gradually gaining equal rights is a not only a sign of change, it also shows that growth is taking place in today’s society. Another example of change is seen in how many people have tattoos. But even though this is an example of change, it doesn’t necessarily mean that this is a sign of growth. It could be said that it shows that people are more accepting and more open. And based on how people viewed tattoos before, this would be partly true. However, just because someone has a tattoo, it doesn’t therefore mean that they are more open minded or accepting that someone who hasn’t got any. In Between So while there are examples of change that show growth and examples that don’t show growth, there are also examples that can show a bit of both. This means that it will all depend on how one looks at the example. Assumptions fit into the area that is neither black nor white. Assumptions And when it comes to making assumptions, most people will have heard the quote by Oscar Wilde - “When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me’’. This quote has been given a certain amount of exposure in recent years and this has played a part in people coming to the conclusion that assumptions are ‘bad’. Clearly this is not the only reason; with their being other factors involved. It is also not uncommon to see assumptions being labelled as ‘bad’ in the world of self development and ‘spirituality’. This outlook can also be found in some areas of the business world and so it is not limited to one area of life. Two Outlooks If one constantly makes assumptions in life and doesn’t allow themselves to experience something first hand, they are going to make life harder than it needs to be. And instead of one being able to embrace life, they are going to be too busy projecting their own ideas onto life. And this is going to affect their life in all kinds of ways. It will have short terms consequences as well as long terms consequences. Let’s say that someone has a pattern of always assuming the worst; if they were to change this outlook their life is inevitably going to improve. Other Examples When it comes to making a decision in life and this could be a business decision or just relate to where one is going to go on holiday, it will be important for them to attain the right information. If one doesn’t do this, it could cause them to lose a potential client or to employ the wrong person. Or one might end up going to the wrong destination and taking the wrong clothes for instance. So the fact that people have become more aware of how destructive assumptions can be is a sign of change and growth. And as assumptions can be dangerous, it would be easy to say that one should avoid them completely. Another Look But while it might sound like the right thing to do, it wouldn’t be practical. It is often seen as ‘spiritual’ not to make assumptions or to judge, amongst other things. On paper this can sound like a great idea and as something that we should all aspire too. However, while on this planet, one has a physical body that needs to be protected. And if one was to blindly follow these rules and not make assumptions or judge, they wouldn’t be alive for very long. It as if these rules are made up without any consideration of the physical needs that human beings have and are purely focused on the part of them that is not physical and therefore doesn’t need any kind of protection. Survival Whether one feels the need to make an assumption or a judgement, it is coming from that part of them that is focused on their survival and nothing else. Making assumptions is then something one does as a way to ensure their survival. If this ability was completely removed, ones time on this earth would soon come to an end. For example, if a car is driving towards someone and they assume that it is going to run them over if they don’t move over, it could be what keeps them alive. It is then not a ‘bad’ thing; it is a ‘good’ thing. The Intellect This assumption will be made without one having to think too much and in situations like these, it is not going to create problems. What will create problems is if one is always reactive and is not utilising their ability to think. If they were to use their intellect, instead of letting their survival instincts and conditioning take over, one would be able to put their assumptions to one side and to open their mind to what is taking place. Awareness It is then not about stopping oneself from making assumptions or labelling them as bad, it is about being aware of how this part of oneself works. And if one has a pattern of making assumptions in a certain area, it might mean that they have something that needs to be processed within them. Because even though making assumptions is part of one’s survival instincts and therefore can’t be removed, this part can be influenced by trauma. And all the time this trauma has not been processed, one will continue to make the same assumptions. One might need to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer in order to let go of these assumptions.
While some people feel comfortable with relationships that are healthy and functional, there are other people who feel comfortable with relationships that are unhealthy and dysfunctional. There are going to be people who have relationships that are unhealthy and they are aware of this. And there are going to be other people who have relationships that are unhealthy, but are not aware of it. In this case, this is the only thing they know and it is therefore normal. Whereas, if one is aware of how dysfunctional their relationships are, it might be what is normal, but at the same time, they are aware of the fact that there is another way of relating with others. Unaware All the time one is unaware of what is taking place and that there are other options, they are going to end up suffering unnecessarily. They are in a position where their relationships are not allowing them to feel: uplifted, inspired and fulfilled. What they are doing is causing them to feel worthless, violated and powerless, amongst other things. To feel this way is unlikely to make one feel as though life is something to be enjoyed, it will be nothing more than something they have to endure. Aware However, when one is aware of what is taking place and that there are other options in life, they are still going to suffer. But while someone who is not aware is going to suffer and believe there is no way out, this person is going to see that there is a way out. So even though they are suffering, they will know that it doesn’t have to last forever; it can be put to an end. This is going to give them hope and while hope is not everything, it is clearly better than having no hope whatsoever. Conflict If these two examples are put to one side for the time being and one was to look at their situations, one is going to see that while one person might be more aware than the other, they are both in the same position. Mentally they are going to be in difference places, but when it comes to their body, they are in the same place. This shows that they are different up top, but down below, they are the same. What this means is that while one persons intellect and what is taking place in their head is going to be different, their body on the other hand, is the same. Here, what feels comfortable for one person is what feels comfortable for the other. Resistance So when one is aware, they are going to see that even though their body feels comfortable with the abuse, it still doesn’t mean that it is therefore healthy. And when one hasn’t got this intellectual understanding, they are not going to have this contrast to enable them to experience hope and to have the chance to move forward. So one person is going to be the fish in water and the other person is going to be the fish that has been taken out of the water and then put back in. The first fish has no idea that life could be different and although the other fish is still in the water, they know there is another way. Reasons There is going to be a reason that these people have a different outlook and why they have a body that feels comfortable with abuse. When it comes to why they have a different outlook, it could be due to the kind of people they have come across in life and the books they have read. The person who doesn’t realise that abusive relationships are not the only option in life and that there is another way, has probably not met or been exposed to anyone who has showed them that there is another way. Or if they have, it would have been rejected and dismissed. And as for books, perhaps they have not read anything to do with abusive relationships. The Body Having an intellectual understanding is one thing, but in order for one to no longer feel comfortable with abusive relationships, they need to have a body that feels uncomfortable with abusive relationships. And the reason one’s body does feel comfortable could be due to their experiences as an adult, but it is more likely to be due to what happened during their childhood years. It is during these early years that one forms associations around what is familiar and therefore what is safe. Familiar It doesn’t matter if something is functional and healthy; all that matters is that one has been exposed to it. Through being exposed to it, one will gradually begin to feel comfortable with it. So if these early experiences are generally healthy, it could mean that one will feel comfortable with healthy relationships. And if they are not, it could set one up to feel comfortable with abusive relationships; unless they do something latter in life to correct what took place of course. These early experiences would have caused one to have certain emotional experiences. Time will have passed and yet, it doesn’t mean that one feels any different. If one was abused, it is highly unlikely that anyone would have been around to validate how they felt and so they may have had to repress their feelings. Awareness And all the time these feelings remain trapped in one’s body, one will continue to feel comfortable being in abusive relationships. So as these trapped emotions are released, one will gradually feel different and no longer to be attracted to or attract abusive relationships into their life. These trapped emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. The most important thing is that one reaches out for support and doesn’t suffer in silence.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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