When one does something for another and they are grateful, it is going to create a better impression than if they were ungrateful. This response if likely to endear them to the giver and it could mean that the other person is only too happy to offer their hand in the future. And the same could be said when one shows gratitude in their own life, and this doesn’t have to be aimed at anyone in particular. It could just be a general sense of appreciation for how ones life is. This then stops them from grasping and focusing on what they haven’t got, and allows them to value and enjoy what they have got. Here, one is not in place of resistance, they are in a place of acceptance. Their reality is then going to mirror this back to them and it is going to cause them to experience more of what they are grateful for. Ungrateful If they are ungrateful, it could cause them to experience tension and then they are going to be focused on what they haven’t got or on how their life could be. It then won’t matter what they have or that they are currently experiencing, as it won’t enough. And as one is experiencing inner unrest and is unable to accept their life as it is, they are going to attract more experiences that mirror where they are at. One could then end up caught in a vicious cycle and find it difficult to find anything to be grateful for. Happiness There are many ways for people to be happy and some of these ways are healthy and some of these ways are unhealthy. One option may allow one to feel happy for a number of hours and another option may allow one to feel happy for even longer. When one experiences gratitude, they are likely to experience an increase in their wellbeing. And as this happens, one is going to feel happier. And this is not going to cost them anything and they can experience it whenever they chose to. All one needs to do is to decide to be grateful; they don’t need to do anything else. This is something that one is in control of and is not in the hands of other people. One doesn’t need to receive permission or the all clear from anyone. Focus What one places their attention on is going to have an impact on what they attract into their life. So if one spends their time and energy on what they haven’t got, they are not going to be able to focus on what they have got. And not only that, but it is not going to allow one to feel energised and empowered. Their time and energy is going to be wasted and this is going make it even harder for them to make the changes in life that they need to make. Relationships This is also going to have an effect on ones relationships and how one is perceived by others. If one has a pattern of being ungrateful and is forever complaining about their life, it is unlikely to endear them to other people. For example, although one person may believe that their life is bad or that they deserve more, in the eyes of another, they could be living the ideal life. They could then wonder how the other person could be so ungrateful and this could cause them to avoid this person in the future. But if one is grateful, the people they spend their time with are going to notice this. And this is going to be more far appealing than if one was come across as if the world is against them. The Other Side However, even though being grateful can enhance one’s life, it can also lead to problems. It can become another form of positive thinking; with one avoiding how they truly feel. It will then lead to repression and one is going to be out of touch with themselves. If one was to embrace how they feel, they might end up feeling guilty for not being grateful. Being grateful is then not helping them; it is just another way for one to punish themselves. An Example One may have been brought up to be grateful no matter what was happening to them or whether it was the right thing for them to experience. Gratitude was then used as a way to exert control and to deny ones emotional experience. And as time passed, one internalised this control and begin to treat themselves how other people treated them. Both Sides Just because someone feels ungrateful about a certain area of their life, it doesn’t mean that this has it apply to every area. It simply means that one is facing the reality of how they feel and what is taking place in their life. They are no longer in denial; they are simply being honest with themselves. And as one is willing to look at what is working in their life and what isn’t, there is more chance that their life will change for the better. Feeling ungrateful can then be sign that one needs to look at what is not working or what needs their attention and not as a sign that they need to feel grateful. Awareness So while it is important to feel grateful, it doesn’t mean that one should become disconnected from how they feel. Feelings don’t just appear, they are there for a reason. And if one is willing to get in touch with their feelings, they will see that they are there to assist them. And if one is having trouble with their emotions, then it might be necessary for them to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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It is not uncommon to hear people say that they feel ungrounded and while this may be a term that is more commonly used amongst people who are into self development, it is something that anyone can experience. It therefore won’t matter if they are into self development or not, as they can still have the same experience. The words people use may be different and this is likely to reflection of what they have been exposed to. One person may use the word ‘ungrounded’ to describe how they feel and another may just say that they ‘don’t feel right’ or normal. And one of the most common occurrences of being ungrounded is feeling anxious. Through not being in one’s body, ones attention is likely to be in their head. It might even feel as though their attention is just above their head and that they have completely left their body. It is then not going to be possible for one to feel safe and secure, as they are likely to end up feeling unsafe and insecure. The body is where one is meant to live and not in their head or just above it; so it is not going to be a pleasurable experience. Two Experiences For some people, feeling ungrounded is going to be something they experience on the odd occasion. And there are going to be other people who have become accustomed to feeling ungrounded. It is then not something that happens on the odd occasions, it is a way of life. When one only experiences this at certain moments, they are going to have moments of being grounded. Through having this contrast, one will be easier for one to recognise when they are ungrounded. However, if one is used to feeling ungrounded, it might be hard for them to remember what it is like to be grounded. Through being this way for so long, one might have come to believe it is normal. Normal There is then the chance that it feels normal through being this way for so long and there is also the chance that one has never felt any different. It is then not going to be possible for one to feel like a whole human being. And when one is out of touch with their body, it is going to be a challenge for one to relax and to just be. What they will be familiar with is the need to do things and they could be hyper aware. Burdened At its most extreme, one might not even feel human. When one is in their body, it will be possible for them to feel, but this won’t be possible if they are living in their head. One could then feel burdened by life and wonder how other people could possibly enjoy it. Technology In the modern day world, people often spend less time in nature and more time sat in front of a computer. And this is one reason why feeling ungrounded is so common today. Being in nature allows one to feel connected to the earth and to immerse themselves in what is real. There is no need for them to do anything when they are there; they can just be and feel at one with nature. Their attention doesn’t need to just be in their head, it can include their whole being. However, when one is using a computer, it is very different. Their point of focus is going to be their head and their body can end up being ignored. They have then changed from a human being and into a human doing. But once one has used a computer, they should soon settle down. That is if they spend some time away from their computer and in nature for instance. Another factor But while technology has played a part in why people feel more ungrounded in the modern day world, there is also another reason. Human beings are interdependent, they need each other and yet, they have become more isolated as time has gone by. It could be said that technology has caused people to feel more disconnected from each other, and it could also be said that technology has allowed people to feel less disconnected. It is all a matter of perspective. But if that argument is put to one side, it is clear that a computer cannot replace human touch. This is something that humans don’t just want from others, it is something they need. Human Touch But while this is something that human beings need, it is not something that is always fulfilled. If one doesn’t experience human touch on the rare occasion it is unlikely to have much of an impact, but if one experiences very little, if any, human touch, it is going to have a big impact. And when this happens, not only can it cause one to feel ungrounded, it is also going to have an impact of their mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. However, even though one has the need to experience human touch, it doesn’t mean that they are able to embrace it. Certain life experiences could have caused them to fear it. Sabotage These experiences would have caused one to form different associations around human contact. But even though avoiding human touch can be what feels comfortable at a deeper level, it is not healthy. One is then is then experiencing inner conflict and this conflict will have to be put to an end. If it is not put to an end, one will continue to avoid human touch and be ungrounded, amongst other things, as a result. Awareness So it will be important for one to form new associations when it comes to human contact. And this may mean that one needs to process their past and to let go of the emotional baggage that they carry. Experiencing some kind of body work will also help; this will gradually open one up to human touch. Through experiencing human touch, one will not only become aware of their need to experience, it, they will also feel more comfortable with it.
Having the desire to be seen is part of being human and as human beings are interdependent, it is a vital part of not only being able to survive, but to thrive. If human beings were inherently independent, then it wouldn’t matter if they were seen by others or not. One’s ability to survive and thrive would not be affected; so it wouldn’t matter how one felt. But as this is not the case, it is going to be important for someone to feel that other people notice them and that they are not invisible. Wellbeing For when one does feel this way, it is going to make a massive difference to their wellbeing. They are going to feel acknowledged, connected, empowered, important, and valuable, amongst others things. And as they are able to experience this in life, it is going to be possible for them to acknowledge other people and to pass on their positive state of mind. It will also mean that they are used to getting their wants and needs met by others. Needs And Wants This is not to say that they will also be met, but what it does mean is that through being noticed by others, one won’t have to hide or deny their needs. They will feel comfortable enough to show their needs and wants to others and to ask other people to meet them when it is possible. And when it comes to needing help or assistance, one won’t feel that they have to struggle by themselves. They will know that there are people around them who will be more than happy to help in most cases. Relationships Having this outlook then, is going to mean that their relationships with others are generally life affirming. Their family members or colleagues might not be able to acknowledge them as they would like, but this is not going to be something they will have to put up with from their partner or friends for instance. Their relationships and how they expect other people to respond to them is going to reflect their self image. Here, one is going to feel important, valuable and most importantly, that it is safe for them to be seen. Invisible However, when one feels invisible, they are not going to be able to relate to the above; it may be something that they experience on the odd occasion, but it is not going to be how their life usually is. For some people, it won’t even be something they experience on the odd occasion. And this is going to have a big impact on this person’s wellbeing; it could mean that one is used to feeling powerless, worthless and even as being burden to others. One could live a life of being isolated and depressed. Trapped One could experience life in such a way that they feel as though they can see other people, but other people can’t see them. Like a car with blacked out windows: it is easy to notice others, but it is not possible for other people to notice them. And to live this way or rather to exist this way, it not going to allow one to feel acknowledged or important; it is going to be a life of suffering. There are going to be some people who have taken their life as a way to end this misery. Whereas others will resort to crime as a way to be noticed or one may just end up suffering in silence. Reaching out One may not bother asking for help or assistance from others, as they think that other people will only say no. They could believe that their needs and wants are a burden to others and that it is best for them to hide them. It is then going to be a challenge for them to have relationships where they not only give, but also receive. That is if they have any close relationships; as they might not have any. What’s Going On? If someone was to look at someone who felt invisible, they would see that they are no different to anyone else. However, if they were to observe this persons behaviour, they would gradually begin to notice things. This person may: dress in a way that stops them from standing out, they may isolate themselves from others, say very little and have trouble maintaining eye contact. The reason one feels invisible could be due to their experiences as an adult, but it is more likely to be the result of what took place during their childhood. During this time, one wouldn’t have received the nurturing that they needed to develop a sense of self. Childhood In one’s family of origin, one would have been ignored, abandoned and neglected. A sense of self can only develop it one is given what they need. If a seed is not given the right sunlight, it won’t be able to grow. And human beings are the same; if they are not given the right nutrients, they won’t grow. So through not being seen by the people or person that one was brought up by, it is not possible for their sense of self to develop. Not being seen then becomes associated as what is familiar and therefore safe by the ego mind. The need to be seen is going to be there and won’t simply go away, but at the same time, one will also fear being seen. The need to be seen is normal; the fear of being seen is not. Awareness In order for one to move beyond this challenge, they will also need to receive the attunement that they didn’t receive all those years ago. And as this takes place, one will begin to feel that it is safe for them to be seen. Through being recognised in the eyes of another and affirmed, one will gradually begin to develop a sense of self. This can be provided by a therapist, healer or some kind of body worker.
When someone has no awareness of themselves it is going to lead to problems in their life. They could end up constantly blaming other people for what is or what is not happening to them and be oblivious to the part that they are playing. Pointing the finger towards other people may lead to short term relief, but it won’t allow them to move forward. In the eyes of others, it might be obvious as to what one is doing and yet, one might chose not to see or perhaps they are unable to see. Today’s World And as self awareness is not something that is a part of the mainstream education system or part of mainstream culture in general, this is not much of a surprise. It is then normal to look outside for answers and for reasons as to why something is happening. To look within is not encouraged in the mainstream and as the external guidance is not there, it is down to the individual to decide if they are going to develop self awareness or not. Some people will take matters into their own hands and other people will just go along with the status quo. It can depend on numerous factors, such as: if they are an extrovert or an introvert, what the people around them are doing and if the drive is there to look within. Looking Outside When someone looks outside, it means they are out of touch with what is taking place within them. And when one is experiencing some kind of tension or unease, it can cause them to look outside for some kind of relief. Through experiencing this outer relief, it can cause them to feel better on the inside. This is unlikely to last for long though, as the inner unrest will soon return. So one will have to become consumed in some kind of external source in order to change how they feel From Time To Time If one was to do this from time to time, it is unlikely to cause too many problems; escapism is part of life and not something to feel guilty about. However, if this was to become a way of life for someone, then it is going to create an inner build up of pain and not only that, but one will slowly become disconnected from this part of themselves. And while what is going on inside one may soon become a mystery, it doesn’t mean that it will therefore disappear. Instead, it will have an impact on the kind of life that one creates. The kind of relationships that one has with others may seem random or as being out of their control, but they are going to be a reflection of what is taking place within them. Disconnected If one was aware of what was taking place within them, they would be able to see how what is taking place externally is a reflection of what is taking place internally. As a result of this, one can end up being victimised and while other people will be involved; it will be partly due to what they have failed to deal with within themselves. In the words of Wayne Dyer - ‘’When you squeeze an orange, you'll always get orange juice to come out’’. It is what is inside someone that is being reflected externally. The challenge is that, all the time one has no awareness of their inner world, they are not going to be able to realize this. An Analogy When there is a new smell in an environment one is going to notice it straight away. But as time passes, one will gradually begin to get used to it and before long, they might no longer notice it. And when ones attention is placed on the external world and out of touch with their inner world, they might believe that life is something that just happens to them. Perhaps they have lived this way for so long that they have no idea that it could be different. They then ‘don’t know what they don’t know’. Digging In As one starts to place their attention on what is going on internally, they will begin to see how their inner world is impacting their outer world. If they have avoided looking within for a long time, they could be carrying a lot of emotional baggage. But as their inner build up starts to disappear, they will gradually become less reactive and more able to observe what is going on within them. This is a process and something that will improve as times goes by and will also continue for the rest of their life. Self Understanding And through letting go of this build up and becoming more aware, one will have a better understanding of themselves. This will then lead to better relationships and to better choices being made in life. Pain will no longer be seen as something that one has to completely avoid, it will be seen as something that will lead to a greater understanding of who they are. One doesn’t have to face this by themselves either; as the right support is out there. Awareness There are books available to assist one in this process, as well as healers, therapists and coaches. The support is there, one only needs to ask for it.
When a relationship comes to an end it can be an incredibly painful experience. And this doesn’t even need to be a relationship was fulfilling or healthy; as it can be painful no matter how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ it was. So this means that someone can have the desire to get back with their ex and for the relationship to continue even though this might not be the best option. Logically one might think that if the relationship didn’t work before, then the best option would be to move on. If the relationship did work before and there didn’t seem to be a reason for it to end, then it is only natural that one would do all they can to get back with their ex. What it comes down to is the fact that an emotional attachment has been made and so, logic or reason can have very little impact. Good When someone is in a relationship that is going well and then out of nowhere it just ends and this could be an abrupt end, it is could make one wonder what happened. They could end up feeling mystified and have no idea why it has come to an end. And even if they are aware of what wasn’t working, their mind could filter these reasons out. One then only chose to focus on what was right and to ignore what was wrong. If they can think of more positives than negatives, then this is going to cause one to feel even more convinced that it shouldn’t have ended. Bad However, if one is in a relationship that is not going well and then before long it comes to an end, it is unlikely to make one wonder what happened. The evidence is going to be there and there is then no confusion as to why is has come to an end. But just because the evidence is there, it doesn’t mean that one is going to accept it. They might start to idealise the relationship and begin to see what they want to see; instead of what was taking place. Solutions And just because the relationship was not working, it won’t necessarily stop someone form trying to get back with their ex. If it was working, then it is to be expected that one would do all they can to restore the relationship. This is not something one has to do all by themselves either; as there is help available. One can be assisted through reading books, articles and they can have coaching. There are even spell casters out there that offer to reunite people. A Mutual Choice When two people are in a relationship, ideally it should be through choice and not through fear or obligation. So if one was to work on themselves in order to get back with their ex, then it is clear that they are not violating another person. And yet, if one was to use control, manipulation and even a ‘spell’, it shows that they are trying to violate another person. And if this is what is happening, one would need to ask themselves why they want to get back with their ex. If they truly loved or liked the other person, they would want what’s best for them. If this means that they want one to be a part of their life then so be it, but if not, this is something that one will have to accept. Emotional Attachment When one has formed an emotional attachment to someone, it is not going to be easy to let go. If this was a relationship that worked, then one is not necessarily going to want to let go. The fact they are attached to them, could be interpreted as a sign that they are meant to be together. And the same interpretation could be formed even if the relationship was not working; simply because they feel attached to the other person. Letting go can be painful even when the relationship wasn’t work. As a result of having this attachment, it is going to be painful to not have this person around anymore. Regulation So for some people this attachment is going to reflect the truth and that is that they are meant to be together. But for others, it is just going to reflect what is going on for them and therefore have nothing to do with the other person or the relationship. Being with the other person is then a way for them to regulate their emotions and for them to feel better. What the other person wants is then not taken into account and one is being motivated by their own need to feel better. The other person’s needs and wants are then completely disregarded. Emotions And the emotions that one is trying to regulate through being with the other person could relate to the present day relationship and they can also relate to ones childhood years. The present relationship has then triggered trapped emotions from their past and if one is not aware of this, they can end up believing that the other person is causing them. The other person is then believed to be in control of how they feel and based on this, they are the only ones who can make them feel better. What this would show is that one has become emotionally dependent on the other person. Awareness So there is the chance that one is meant to be with their ex and also the chance that they are not. And it will be important for one to reflect on the fact that their ex is an individual who has their own needs and wants. If one is suffering emotionally, they may need to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer. When one has an emotional build up from their past, it is going to make it difficult for them to see and to think clearly.
It is often said that people shouldn’t have expectations and this is partly because it will cause them to be disappointed or let down. And while this can’t be denied, having expectations is part of life in many ways. For example: when someone expects more from life, they are likely to receive more. That is, as long as they are prepared to put the work in. Whereas, when someone doesn’t expect much from life, they probably won’t receive much. However, if one was to expect something from someone in particular, then there is the chance that they are going to feel let down. The ideal might be to have expectations, but not to attach them to anyone and also not to get attached to them. Attachment As soon as one becomes attached to something, they are sending out the wrong message. The universe responds to how one feels and if one is attached, they are not coming from a place of inner peace or abundance. And yet, when one doesn’t allow their expectations to consume their mind or expect one person in particular to fulfil them, they will be able to let go. One is then no longer grasping or wanting something, they are in place of non-resistance. Two Levels On one level will be the expectations that someone is aware of and on another level will the expectations that they are unaware of. When one is aware of their expectations, they will be able to see how their reality is being influenced by them. In the cases where one is unaware of them, they won’t see how their reality is being influenced by them. What shows up or what doesn’t might then seem random and as being out of their control. Observers But even though one may feel that they are an observer of their reality, their expectations are having an effect. It then doesn’t matter if one is aware of them or not. So when it comes to the opposite sex, one is going to have certain expectations. But while this is the case, they could believe that their expectations have very little, if any, effect on their experiences with them. And if one has a pattern of being around men/women who are abusive or dysfunctional, then this is not going to give them much hope. Conflict Consciously one may want to meet someone who fits a certain criteria – this is what they expect. But at a deeper level they may expect something else and this then stops them from being able to fulfil their conscious expectations. What is going on at this level has far more power that what is going on in their mind. so in order for one to make what is going on in their mind a reality, they will need to deal with what is going on in their body. Unconscious Expectations As these expectations are usually unconscious, it can cause someone all kinds of problems. Through being disconnected from them, one can end up feeling like a victim and that they have no effect on their life. And even if one is aware of them, it doesn’t mean they will be able to see that other people are responding to them and one is not just an observer. These expectations are going to relate to how one expects to be treated by the opposite sex, if they can be trusted or not and whether they will meet ones needs and wants, as well as many other things. Empowering Or Disempowering Now, just because one has empowering expectations when it comes to the opposite sex, it doesn’t mean they will always be fulfilled. But what it will mean is that one will be used to having the opposite sex respond to them in ways that are respectful, fulfilling and affirming. And when one has disempowering expectations, they might have the odd experience where the opposite sex responds to them in ways that are respectful, fulfilling and affirming, but this is not going to happen very often. Familiar However, even though these expectations do not lead to the kind of experiences they want with the opposite sex, they are likely to be what is familiar. And when something is familiar, it is what is associated as safe by the ego mind. It then wont matter if it is functional or dysfunctional. All the time these associations are in place, one will continue to have the same experiences with the opposite sex. And as these associations are not healthy or empowering, it can seem strange as to why someone would have them. Childhood There is the chance that these associations were formed during ones childhood years. How they were treated by their mother and father and the people around them during this time will then define their expectations of the opposite sex. Time then passes and how they were treated by the people around them during these early years is not only how they expect other people to treat them, it will also be what feels comfortable. But as time goes by one can become out of touch with these early experiences and not see how their present experiences match up with their experiences from the past. Awareness These early experiences would have caused one to experience certain feelings and these feelings may have stayed trapped in their body. So as these are released, ones expectations of the opposite sex will begin to change. What can also make a difference is to be around a member of the opposite sex who can offer the positive regard that one didn’t receive whilst growing up. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed to release ones trapped emotions and to give one the positive regard that they missed out on.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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