As I look back on my journey, I can see that there have been a number of moments when what I was doing no longer worked. And, when this has happened, it has caused me to look for something else.
One of the moments that comes to mind is in the middle of 2009, as this was a time when what I was doing was no longer cutting it. Soon enough, I came into contact with someone called Simon Rose. An Opening Although I can’t remember exactly how I came across his website, what I do remember is that it showed up at just the right time. His method of healing was called Reference Point Therapy, and this was all about getting to the root of the problem. And as this was something that appealed to me (and still does), I ended up reading his blog. Soon after, I ended up getting in contact with him in order to find out more about what this method was all about. The Next Step After hearing more, I soon came to the conclusion that I needed to learn about what this guy was teaching. I think it was only a matter of weeks or months before he would be teaching a few courses in London. Once I had signed up for these courses, I couldn’t wait to get started - I was raring to go. During the time that I was on these courses, what stood out was that he was sharp, smart and knew what he was talking about. There Was More There was another course after this, but I wasn’t sure about whether I was going to do it. In the mean time, I had the chance to go along to a free healing clinic, which was part of the final course, at a university in London. My father and a close friend also came along too. This was a time when I had the chance to find out more about this course, and my father and my friend were able to experience the technique for themselves. Another Part I decided to do the next course in Belgium, and this was a time when I learnt about boundaries for the first time. Whilst I was on this course, I thought about how this was someone who had good boundaries. Before this, I don’t think I had ever seen someone behave in an assertive manner; he didn’t walk over others and neither did he allow other people to walk over him. I soon realised how important it was to have boundaries. A Big Effect When we have boundaries, we will feel safe enough to express who we are, and this will allow us to say yes, and no, at the right moments. As if we can’t say no, they we can’t say yes either. The reason for this is that if we can’t say no, we will only be saying yes to please others. Our own needs are then going to be ignored and this is going to make it hard for us to live a fulfilling life.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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When a relationship comes to an end, it can be a sign that it has run its course; consequently, each person can be happy to move on with their life. What this could show is that they had been having problems for quite some time.
It was then only a matter of time before their time together came to an end and they both went their separate ways. Now that it is over, it is likely to have a positive effect on their wellbeing. A New Start For one of them, this could be like a new beginning; a time when they will be able to do the things that they were unable to do before. This could mean that they were with someone who was controlling, but this might not be the case. It could simply show that they had other priorities, and that this caused them to neglect certain needs. Either way, they will now have more time to focus on what they overlooked before. Straight Back In Alternatively, both of them could end up seeing someone else more or less straight away – or this might only apply to one of them. They are then not going to feel the need to take a break and to find themselves again, so to speak. If both of them ended up with someone else, it might not bother either of them if they were to find out about what the other person is doing. They might be pleased that their ex has found someone else to be with. Just One Yet, if only one of them has found someone else, it could have a negative effect on the other. This might be hard to understand; especially as both of them were happy to move on with their life. What this could show is that they formed an emotional connection with this person, and this is why they feel this way. Part of them can then be happy that it has ended; yet another part of them can be in pain. Life Goes On After finding out about this, one could spend a lot of time thinking about their ex, or they could soon let it go. One could say to themselves that as they are no longer with them, it doesn’t matter who they are with. Through having this outlook, it is going to be a lot easier for them to focus on their own life. If, on the other hand, they get caught up in what their ex is or is not doing, it is going to stop them from being able to do this. External Support But if one was to find that they are unable to focus on their own life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for the right assistance. This can show that the part of them that wants to move on is stronger than the part of them that doesn’t. If they were to reach out, this could be a time when they will have to work through the pain that is within them. Through experiencing loss, they can be carrying a lot of grief within them, and this may need to be cried out. Another Experience When a relationship ends and each person is happy with this outcome, it could be said that this will be the ideal scenario. Both of them can experience pain - one person might even experience more pain than the other - but at least they will have wanted it to end. Whereas, if one person wanted it to end but the other person didn’t, it is going to be a lot harder for one of them to move on. There is then not just going to be a small part of them that is in pain - a big part of them is going to be in a bad way. It Doesn’t End There It could end up getting even worse, though, and this is because on could find out that their ex has found someone else. This can cause them to think about if they actually meant anything to the other person. And if one ended the relationship and their ex found someone else soon after, they can also wonder what is going on. Yet, if they ended the relationship and the other person didn’t want it to end, this is to be expected. What’s going On? On the surface, it can seem as though the other person has simply moved on with their life and that’s all there is to it. However, appearances are often deceiving, and this can mean that it might not be this black and white. What it can show is that the other person wanted to feel better, which is why they are with someone else. This could mean that their relationship will soon come to an end or, it might last for a little while. A Few Reasons In the same way that there are number of reasons as to why someone would eat food, there are also a number of reasons as to why they would have a relationship. One can eat food to avoid how they feel and they can have a relationship to do achieve the same outcome. At the same time, they can eat food to supply their body with what it needs to function and they can have a relationship that will allow them to grow and develop. This can then be seen as what happens when one acts in a conscious manner and what happens when they act in an unconscious manner. Awareness Also, one may even start a new relationship just to get back at their ex; the person they are with is then going to be used. One is then going to be in a lot of pain and they can cause someone else to suffer through not taking responsibility for how they feel. If one is in pain, and they want to do something about this, it might be a good idea for them to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What is clear is that when someone has boundaries, their life is going to be a lot better than it would be if they didn’t have them. The reason for this is that one has their own needs and feelings.
So, while one is an interdependent human being who needs other people, that doesn’t mean that they will always want to do what other people are doing. This is going to apply to the people they are close to, as well as to the people they don’t know very well. Drawing the Line Naturally, there are going to be moments when they are interested in doing what one of their friends or family members want them to do. For example, one could be asked if they would like to go out for the day, and this could be something that they are only too happy to do. At other times, one might have other things going on, or they just might not want to do something. Here, one will pay attention to what is taking place within them and let the other person know that they can’t make it. The Outcome Through behaving in this way, it might cause one to displease the other person or, it might not bother them. Yet, even if it does have a negative effect on them, it doesn’t mean that one will have done something wrong. Ultimately, they will have listened to their own needs, and this is in their best interest. It is not their responsibility to please other people; if it was, there would be no reason for them to have boundaries. An Empty Shell In this case, one would be nothing more than an extension of other people, and so their purpose on this earth would be to fulfil other people’s needs. Saying yes, not no, would be the only thing they would need to say. However, as one does have their own needs and feelings, it proves that they are not on this planet to please other people. Now, this is not to say that one will only think about their own needs and ignore other people’s needs. Give And Take Life is, after all, about be there for ourselves and being there for others; if one only focused on their own needs, they would have a pretty empty and lonely existence. Still, it can be easy for someone to believe that one only thinks about themselves when they pay attention to their own needs. What this could show is that they have the tendency to focus on other people’s needs, or that fulfilling their needs is just a normal part of their life. And through taking care of their own needs, they might not even be aware of what it would be like to neglect them. Protection Therefore, when one has the ability to say no, it is going to stop them from being walked over. And as one is inherently vulnerable, it is going to be vital for them to look after themselves. If one doesn’t have this ability, it won’t matter if someone wants to walk over them or not. What this comes down to is that if one doesn’t let another person know that they don’t want to do something, there will be no need for this person to change their behaviour. A Clear Message By speaking up and standing their ground, one will be letting someone know when they don’t want to do something. And if this is someone who has no interest in walking over others, they will be pleased that one has made this clear. But while having boundaries is the ideal, it doesn’t mean that everyone on this planet has them. When one doesn’t have them, there is a strong chance that they have always experienced life in this way. The Norm One could believe that they don’t have a say when it comes to how other people treat them, and that they have to please them. Their needs are then going to be put to one side and their priority will be to fulfil other people’s needs. It could then seem as though one is a selfless human being and that they are doing the right thing, but this is going to be nothing more than an illusion. If they were to take a closer look, they would see that one is neglecting themselves. Two Parts One is then not simply a selfless human being; they are someone who is too concerned with other people’s needs and feelings. In addition to this, one could have people in their life who are abusive. This is likely to mean that one is used to feeling angry, frustrated and as though they have no control over their life. Thus, it is going to be a challenge for them to feel good about themselves. The Main Difference If one was to get in touch with what is taking place within them, they are likely to find that behaving in this way is what feels safe. It might be hard for them to understand why this is; especially as this is causing them to suffer. Then again, one might be only too aware of why this is what feels safe. What one may find is that their early years were a time when they were walked over by their caregiver’s. In The Beginning During this time, their caregiver/s wouldn’t have been able to accept the fact that they had their own needs and feelings. It wouldn’t have mattered if one wanted to do something, as they wouldn’t have had a choice. One would then have learnt that it wasn’t safe for them to listen to their own needs and feelings – if they did, it would have caused them to experience even more pain. Time has then passed but what took place is still defining their life. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it may be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Superiority Complex: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Have A Superiority Complex?15/9/2017
While one can believe that they are better than other people at doing certain things, they can also believe that they are better than others at just about everything. When it comes to the former, there is the chance that one is telling the truth.
An Expert Perhaps one has been doing something, or a number of things, for a little while, and this has allowed them to develop a certain level of competence. This could mean that they will rarely come into contact with someone who is at the same level. If they are really good at doing one thing, it may mean that this is what they do for a living. Therefore, not only are they going to be good at something, but they will also get paid to do it. Down To Earth Still, even though they are good at something, it doesn’t mean that it will have gone to their head. So, they are going to be only too aware of the fact that they are still human, which means that they are not perfect. Thus, there are going to be plenty of things that they can’t do very well. And through being in touch with their own humanity, it is going to allow them to keep their feet on the ground, so to speak. Normal One could have people in their life who are able to do things that they can’t, but this doesn’t mean that they will end up feeling inferior. They could believe that this is just part of life, and that they are always going to meet people who can do things that they can’t. What this will then show is that one feels comfortable in their own skin and this why they won’t feel inadequate. Through being this way, it is likely to mean that one is only too happy to learn new things. All in the Same Boat There is then not going to be one rule for them and another for everyone else; if they want to develop a certain skill or ability, they will need to put the effort in. The reason they are good at something is likely to be because they have worked hard. And no matter how hard they have worked, it won’t be as if they have reached the end; there will still be more for them to learn. Along with this, there will be times when they will meet people who are even better at doing something than they are. One Area When one is around others, they are not going to come across as though they know everything, and this is going to have a positive effect on their relationships. Yet, if they are around someone who needs help with something that they are good at, there will be no reason for them to hold back. What this will show is that one doesn’t believe that being good at one thing makes them an expert on everything. One will then be able to respect other people’s boundaries, and to recognise that they don’t always know what is best for them. Another Experience However, when it comes to the latter, it is going to show that one is completely deluded. One can then have the ability to do a number of things very well, but they can create the impression that they are good at just about everything. Or, if they are able to accept that fact that this is not the case, they could still believe that they are inherently superior to others. It might be more accurate to say that this will be seen as the truth and not just something that they believe. Out of Touch with Reality Through being this way, it is not going to be possible for them to come across as being down to earth. If they do, it will simple be an act that they put on in order to achieve a certain outcome. One is then not going to be an imperfect human being who makes mistakes; they are going to be someone who is more-than human. What this is likely to show is that one is out of touch with their healthy shame. A False-Self Ultimately, one is going to be out of touch with their own humanity, and this is the reason why they can behave in this manner. While the self that they present to the world may seem strong, it is going to be built on sand. And as they come across in this way, they are likely to end up being drawn to people to who have an inferiority complex. Being around people like this will allow one to feel good about themselves, and they will be able to tell these people have to live their life. The Only Option What this is likely to show is that at a deeper level, one feels worthless and as though they are not good enough. Their false-self is then something that they had to create to change how they felt. The trouble is that through disconnecting from their toxic shame, it would have caused them to lose touch with their healthy shame. One would then have solved one problem by creating another. A Closer Look This could show that they were abused and/or neglected during their early years. It would then be clear that they didn’t receive the kind of care that they needed when they were younger. Alternatively, this could have been a time when they were falsely empowered by their caregiver/s. So instead of being treated in this way, one may have been told that they were better than others, for instance. Covered Up One, or both, of their caregivers may have also been out of touch with their true-self. There may have been times when one was treated as though they were special, and moments when they were treated as though they were worthless. But even if they were being treated as though they were better than others, it would have meant that their true-self was overlooked, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to make mistakes, fail or to get things wrong, amongst other things. Awareness One could then look back on their childhood and say that it wasn’t abusive, yet this is not going to be the truth. Their true-self would have been ignored, and they would have had to play the role that their caregiver/s wanted them to play. This would have caused them to believe that they were not enough, and that they would only be good enough if they jumped through the hoops that were provided. One would have gone from a human being, to a human doing. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk True-Self: Is It Harder For Someone To Express Their True-Self When They Are Emotionally Dependent?14/9/2017
In order for someone to be able to fulfil their needs, they will need to be in touch with them. But that’s not to say that this is all there is to it, as one will also need to feel as though it is safe enough for them to fulfil them.
The Two Levels It could be said that, as a human being, one of their greatness needs will be to feel safe, and once they feel this way, it will allow them to fulfil their so-called higher needs. However, if one generally feels safe, this is not going to be something that they will need to think about. Consequently, one will be able to pay attention to what is taking place within them and to go about fulfilling their needs. Now, this is not to say that they will always be able to do this; what it means is that it will be a normal part of their life. A Big Effect And, as they feel safe enough to fulfil their needs, this is going to be something that defines how they behave in just about every area of their life. When it comes to the people who they spend time with, there is going to be no reason for them to go along to get along. These people are likely to be in their life because they want to spend time with them, and not because they have to spend time with them. They will be able to talk about what they have been doing and to go into what is taking place at a deeper level. Intimacy On the one hand, there will be the fact that one feels safe enough to open up, and on the other, there will the part that these people play. Due to how these people respond to them, one will know that they don’t need to hold certain parts of themselves back. It is then not that one just happened to open up to these people and ended up becoming friends with them; one would have taken the time to make sure that they were right for them. And what would have made this easier is that they didn’t need their approval. Purpose When it comes to their career, one might be doing something that is highly meaningful, or they could be working towards something that truly matters to them. One can then feel as though they are on the right track. As a result of the meaning that this area of their life gives them, it is probably going to mean that they won’t have the tendency to be distracted by the things that they can’t do anything about. One is then going to be proactive as opposed to reactive. Emotionally Stable If behaving in this way is what feels safe, it is also likely to show that one is not emotionally dependent on others. They will have the ability to handle their own emotions and to reach out to others when this is not possible. This will be the main reason why they feel safe enough to express their true-self. If they found it hard to handle what was taking place within them, they would have to put their own needs to one side. The Priority When one experiences life in this way, they are going to have to neglect most of their needs; their need to settle themselves down will be what takes precedence. To do this, one can end up doing what other people want (or what they think they want). So, even if they spend time with someone who doesn’t have the desire to control them, it might not matter. One is going to be focused on other people’s needs, and this will cause them to ignore most of their own. A Mismatch The people in their life are going to serve one purpose and one person only: to stop them from being overwhelmed by their own emotions. What this means is that the people in their life might not be right for them. One might not have a lot in common with these people, or they could spend time with people who are abusive. Their career might not be any better, that’s if they have one; yet they could work somewhere that feels comfortable. The Pay Off Their true-self is not going to see the light of day and this will mean that their life that is not going to be very fulfilling. The trouble is that unless they are able to change what is taking place within them, their life is unlikely to change. Ultimately, one is going to be emotionally dependent on other people, and this is why they experience life in this way. The only way that they can handle their emotions is if they are with someone else. The Right Match Being with people who are controlling or abusive is going to cause them harm, but it will be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. Firstly, someone like this can come across as being larger than life, and they can be all-consuming. One is then going to believe that they have met someone who will complete them, and that they won’t feel abandoned again. Secondly, their childhood years may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected, and this would have set them up to feel comfortable with this kind of behaviour. Awareness Through being treated in this way, it would have stepped them from being able to develop the ability to handle their own emotions. They will also be carrying the trauma that they experienced during this time. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the same way as there are thoughts that one shouldn’t follow through on, there are also going to be urges that they will need to overlook. As if one tried to fulfil every need that was within them, it would end up causing them a lot of problems.
A Big Difference For example, one could be in a position where they have a boss who treats them badly, and there could be moments when they think about what it would be like to harm them. Now, this is not to say that this is someone who likes to harm people; what it comes down to is that this person will push them to the edge. So, when their boss behaves in this way or when they think about how they are treated by them, their mind can be filled with all kinds of destructive thoughts. And if one was to open up about what takes place within them during these moments, the people around them could find it hard to believe. Covered Up What this comes down to is that there is likely to be a side that one will show to the world and another side that is kept within them. Having said that, one might reveal this side to their close friends and family. But even if they do, it doesn’t mean that they will talk about everything that takes place within them. If they were to talk about their boss, they could say that they don’t get on with them and that they are thinking about leaving, for instance. No Further Yet, although one might think about how they would like to do something to their boss, it doesn’t mean that they will actually harm them. One way of looking at this would be to say that that this is perfectly normal response. Ultimately, they will have been pushed to the limit and this will have caused their survival or fight instinct to come to the surface. This is there to tell them that they are being comprised and that something needs to be done about it. The Next Step One can pay attention to this information and do what they need to do to change their life. Perhaps the ideal would have been for them to do something about this before they even started to think about casing them harm. If, one was to actually cause the other person harm, it would show that this so-called lower part of them has taken over. The high parts of their nature will then have been offline, and one will have lost the ability to behave like a conscious human being. A Way of life And when someone has the tendency to physically harm other people; it is likely to show that this lower part of them is out of control. The part of their brain that is there to control or inhibit this part of them is not going to be working as it should. This can then be the difference between someone being able to live in the world or ending up in prison. There are, of course, plenty of people who are like this who don’t end up in prison, for whatever reason. Another Area Something very similar to the example above can happen when one is in a relationship. In this case, one could feel the urge to go with someone else, and this could be something that will consume them. Once again, their mind is going to face a lot of pressure from the so-called lower parts of their nature, which means that they will probably find it hard to think clearly. If they are unable to take a step back, they will soon be in a position where they have cheated on their partner/wife. No Chance The very thing that they needed to do – which was to step back and to reflect on what might happen if they do cheat - will have been the last thing on their mind. A big part of them needed to feel different, and this was why they were unable to behave differently. And, if someone is possessed in this way, it is to be expected that they will just go for it. This is then going to be no different to what happens when someone is addicted to something; they can’t control themselves. The Ideal However, if one was able to take a step back and to look into why they felt the need to go with someone else, it might save them a lot of problems further down the line. If they were to do this, they may find that they feel smothered in their relationship and, through going with someone else, it will allow them to feel free. Alternatively, they could feel as though they are being ignored by their partner, and going with someone else will then be a way for them to receive the attention that they desire. What this could then show is that the communication between them has broken down. It’s Not Too Late Still, if one has only cheated on their partner once, they could make things worse by doing it again. Therefore, one could still save their relationship if they were to get the help that they need. If one needs to cheat in order to feel free, it can show that they were smothered during their early years. This would have stopped them from being able to develop boundaries, and getting close to someone would then have been associated as something that would cause them to lose themselves. Awareness Whereas if one feels the need to go with someone else to receive attention, it could show that they feel rejected and abandoned. And this could show that their current relationship has triggered pain from their early ears. Thus, regardless of whether it relates to the first thing or the second, their pain will have been triggered and they will lose the ability to act in a conscious manner. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the middle of October 2010, a friend and I had decided to go out for the night in a city nearby. There were a number of places where we had gone in the past, and tonight we were likely to go to the same places.
The first place that we went to wasn’t very busy, and so we soon left and looked for somewhere else to go. If I remember rightly, the next place that we went to wasn’t any better. Back Again So, before long we headed back to the same venue as before and it was just as empty as it had been. And just like before, we walk out and looked for somewhere that would have more going on. At this point, we could have said that it’s not worth staying out and called it a night, but we were happy to wait a little longer. I think we may have gone somewhere else for a little while, yet this wasn’t busy either. The Last Throw of the Dice What made a difference here is that we were not spending a lot of money each time we went somewhere, as we were not drinking alcohol. Also, we didn’t need to pay to get into any of these places. After a little while, we thought that we would go back to this place one more time and, if it wasn’t very busy, we wouldn’t go there again. This time it was different, though, as one of the doorman asked to see my wallet. What’s going on? I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I gave him my wallet and he started to rub the cards over his jacket. I said to him that the wallet was fairly old, so there was bound to be some dust on it. As we had been in out and out a number of times, he believed that we were doing drugs in there. In reality, the reason why we had left so many times was because it wasn’t busy. Something to Talk About After this had taken place, my friend and I spoke about what had happened, and I started to think about how it wasn’t possible for this guy to see what was actually taking place. Instead, he was projecting his reality onto what we were doing. And this was probably a reality where he was used to dealing with people who were going in there to do drugs. It was either that night or a little while after that I felt the need to write about what had just happened. My Writing Journey Began This experience is what inspired me to write my first article, which was titled Defence Mechanism: Projection. Up until this point, I had been writing in a journal, so it wasn’t as if I just happened to write an article. I enjoyed writing it and it wasn’t long before I had something else that I wanted to write about. In the beginning I only wrote a few articles a month and this changed as the years went by. A Big Surprise If someone had said to me when I was younger that I would be writing articles and books when I was older, I would have found it very hard to believe. This was a time when I wasn’t even interested in reading books, let alone writing them. If I was asked what I would been doing when I was older, I probably would have said that I would be doing something outside. I wasn’t interested in being in a class room or doing anything intellectual. Final Thoughts What this makes me think about is how important it is for us to receive the right nutrients, so to speak. If we are given the right support and guidance, we will be able to grow and develop. Without this, we can be like a seed without water or sunlight; it won’t be possible for us to realise our potential. And, through being this way, it can be normal for us to believe that we are not capable of much.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
The other day I was reading a book that was written by M.Scott Peck, and this caused me to think about a number of different things. For some reason, I started to think about doing some kind of course at college.
As a result of this, I had a look at what courses were on offer at a college nearby. One of the courses that interested me was an introductory course on counselling; this seemed like something that I would enjoy. A Closer Look So, the next time I was in the area, I headed over to the college and spoke to someone about the course. I was told that it would only be for a few hours each week and that it would last for ten weeks. But in order for me to get onto the course, I would have to come back for an interview. At this point, I was in two minds; I wasn’t completely convinced that this was something that I wanted to do. Underwhelmed The fact that it was only going to be for a few hours a week made me think that this wouldn’t be enough. However, while this was something that I wasn’t too keen on, there were other things that interested me. I would be meeting different people and I would be able to find out more about what counselling was all about, amongst other things. When I came back in a few days for the interview, I still wasn’t sure if this was the right thing for me to do. The Big Day At the beginning of the interview, I found out more about what kind of things I would be doing on the course. And although it would only be a few hours each week, there would be a lot of work that I would have to do in my own time. Once this part was over, I was given a load of forms to fill in, and this was when it started to get interesting. This wasn’t a time when I just had to write down my name, address and what kind of grades I had, for instance, there was a lot more to it. A New Experience One of the forms that I had to fill in had about six different boxes, and in each box was a mental and emotional experience. There were three options available for each box, and these were: yes, no, and in the past. And, if I ticked the yes box, I then had to explain the effect that it was having on my life. When I saw what was listed in these boxes I nearly fell off my chair; it was as if I was seeing things. Part of Life I couldn’t believe that I was being asked I had ever experienced anxiety. I turned to the person next to me and said that it was a bit strange that we were being asked this question, along with a few of the others that were on their. It was similar to being asked I had ever eaten food or had something to drink – I found it hard to take it all seriously. After all, being able to experience anxiety is part of the human experience and not a sign that something is wrong. One Interpretation Yet, the fact that they had to mention anxiety shows that it is seen as a problem, as opposed to a normal part of life. At the same time, it could be said that they have to ask these questions due to the kind of course that it is. This is understandable, but then do they really believe that there are people out there who have never experienced anxiety? If someone was to tick the box that said they have never experienced anxiety, would they be lying or would they be unable to experience emotions in general? Making the Normal Abnormal and the Abnormal Normal As I look back on this, it makes me think about how what it means to be a human being is being redefined. Being anxious or depressed, for instance, from time to time is no longer seen as part of life; it is seen as a sign that someone has mental health problems. Now, clearly there is a difference between being anxious or depressed from time to time and always being this way. When someone is unable handle life because of something like this, the best thing will be for them to reach out for the right support.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Nowadays, there is a strong chance that someone will reach out for support if they have mental and emotional problems, and there are at least two reasons for this. Firstly, it is more acceptable to talk about these kinds of things.
This is not to say that everyone who they come into contact with will support them; what it comes down to is that there are plenty of people who will. Secondly, there is a lot of support that is provided by society. The Past Yet, if one had an inner challenge a few decades ago, they may have just suffered in silence. What they were going through probably wouldn’t have been spoken about in the public eye, and the people around them might not have said anything about it either. Still, one may have believed that what they were going through was just part of life, which would have stopped them from trying to do anything about it. What this emphasises is that someone can believe that an inner experience is just part of life if no one says otherwise. A Frame Work So, now that so much attention is given to mental and emotional health, it can allow one to see if they have a problem. There is then no need for them to just put up with what is taking place within them. And, through going to see an expert, one can get an understanding of how they should be experiencing life. Said another way, one will find out what it is like to be a well adjusted adult. One Problem If one was to reach out for external support, what it could show is that they have anxiety problems. This could something they have struggled with for a few months, or it could go back even further. Along with this, it could be something that has an effect on one area of their life or it could affect just about every part of it. One will then have done the right thing by going to see someone about it. Labelled It might then be only be a matter of time before one is told that they have some kind of disorder. Thus, not only will the person in front of them ‘know’ what is wrong with them, they will also know. As a result of this, one could end up being put on some kind of medication and/or they could be referred to a behavioural therapist. One can then walk away with the belief that there is something wrong with them and that they will soon be fixed. An Accurate Assessment If one has the tendency to be overwhelmed by anxiety when they are around others and/or they feel this way when they are by themselves, for instance, it is going to be clear that something isn’t right. What is going on within them is stopping them from being able to function and something clearly needs to be done about it. But while some people will experience life in this way, there are going to be others who have a different experience. What some of these people could find is that there are moments when they feel anxious about the future, when they are around others and/or when they try something for the first time, for instance. A Different Experience If someone like this was to go and see a professional, they could be told that what they are going through is just part of life and not something they need to be worried about. This would then show that this person understands that there is a reason why human beings have the ability to experience anxiety. Through bring able to experience anxiety, it can give one the ability to prepare in the right way and it can alert them to danger. Therefore, if one didn’t have the ability to experience anxiety, it would create another set of problems. Another Outcome Alternatively, one could be told that what they are going through shows that they have mental health problems. So, once they can no longer experience anxiety, they will be a well adjusted human being. What they are going through would have been seen as just part of the human condition in the past, but now it will have been pathologised. And, instead of feeling better about themselves, they can come away feeling even worse. One Extreme to Another It is then as if we have gone from a world where people’s mental and emotional health wasn’t given enough attention, to a world where it is given far too much attention. Being mentally and emotionally healthy is then not so much about being able to handle the challenges of life and the full emotional spectrum; it is more about feeling good all the time and experiencing endless inner peace. One has to wonder how mentally and emotionally healthy the people are who are redefining what it means to be human. Perhaps the people at the top, as well as those who are supporting what they come out with, are completely out of touch with themselves. Awareness To be able to feel good all the time or to experience endless inner peace might sound like the ideal, but it would be a pretty sterile existence. The highs are the lows are what give life meaning and they are what allow us to grow and develop, amongst other things. So the fact that one experiences anxiety shows that they are human; nothing more, nothing less. Nevertheless, if one’s life is defined by anxiety it is going to be vital for them to reach out for the right support.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Towards the end of 2003, I went to a number of different countries, and one of the countries that I visited was Australia. But while I was going to another country, it wouldn’t be completely accurate to say that I was going on holiday.
The reason I was going away was to mark the first anniversary of the Bali bombings, which was to be held at the Parliament House in Canberra. Along with going there, I would also be going to Bali for another ceremony. The Year Before What connected me to all this was that my uncle was one of the people who was killed at the Sari Club. Before this took place, he had been the manager of two hotels In Bali. So, while I would be getting on a plane and travelling somewhere I had never been before, I wasn’t going there to enjoy myself. If I remember rightly, I was still trying to come to terms with what had happened. Canberra When my family and I arrived at the ceremony in Canberra, a number people who knew my uncle were there. Some of these people had worked with him when he managed different hotels in Australia. And there was one person who stood out during this time, perhaps because he had quite a forceful personality. Not only did he have a lot to say about what had taken place, he also expressed his views on other things. Back To the Hotel After the ceremony had come to an end, we spent more time with this person at our hotel. Here, he spoke about the kind of things that the people at the top had done in the past, and let’s just say that he wasn’t talking about the ways in which they had helped humanity. I was completely absorbed in what he had to say; I thought that this was one of the most interesting people I had ever met. Through being incredibly curious, it was like food for my mind. A Message After he had been talking about what goes on behind the scenes, he looked at me and said ‘“don’t just be another brick in the wall Oliver!”. And hearing these words still has a big effect on me to this day. When I heard this, the part of me that didn’t want to fit in was being validated. This is not to say that my whole changed after I heard this; it was as if a seed had been planted in my mind. Looking Back What I believe he was saying is that it is easy to go along with the crowd and to simply fit in. The trouble is that when we do this it causes us to disconnect from who we really are and to become a copy of someone else. All that is within us is then going to be overlooked, and what we express is going to be nothing more than what other people have expressed. Our need for approval is going to be one of the things that make it harder for us to be ourselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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