When one has the ability to empathise with another person, they will be able to put themselves in their shoes, so to speak. This is not to say that they will have the same experience, but they will have a sense of what the other person is going through.
Understood As a result of this, the people they come into contact with are likely to feel understood, and this is going to have a positive effect on their relationships. The people they are close to are likely feel as though one appreciates them and even when they come into contact with people they are not as close to, they can end up having the same experience. Through feeling this way, there is a strong chance that they will end up feeling a sense of appreciation towards them. This can then strengthen an existing relationship and it can be something that enables a new relationship to develop. Balance When one can empathise with others and the people they are closest to can also do the same thing, it is likely to mean that their relationships are in balance. Whereas if one can do this and they spend their time with people who can’t, their relationships are going to be out of balance. They are not going to be relationships where give and take takes place; they are going to be relationships where one gives more than they receive. Another way of looking at this would be to say that one is more like a caregiver than a friend. Walked Over In this case, one is being taken advantage of by others, and this means that it will be important for them stand their ground. Even though other people may see them as someone who is there to meet their needs, it doesn’t mean that one has to put up with this. If one finds themselves in this position, it can be a sign that they don’t feel comfortable with their own needs. Being there for others is then an indirect way for them to get their needs met. Shame However, even though one can feel ashamed of their own needs, it doesn’t mean their needs are bad. What it is likely to mean is that there was a time in their life where they were shamed for having needs, and this then set them up to focus on other people’s needs. If this took place during their childhood years, for instance, it could have meant that they had to take care of their caregivers needs instead. It would then have been normal for them to empathise with their caregivers. Overlooked Through doing this, it would have been easier for them to meet their needs, and while this would have meant that their needs were overlooked, it would have been what allowed them to survive. These early experiences can then cause one to feel comfortable with this dynamic, and it is then not going to be normal for them to recreate the same experiences as an adult. Integration If one is able to step back from what is taking place and takes the steps that they need to embrace their own needs, they will no longer be willing to spend time with people who are not willing to empathise with them. They will no longer be playing a role and this is because they will be in touch with their true-self. This is something that can take place through changing their beliefs and looking at what is taking place at an emotional level, for instance. They could be carrying an emotional build-up that needs to be processed. The Other Side When it comes to the people who rarely, if ever, empathise with others, it could be said that they are also out of balance. In this case, other people are going to put themselves in their shoes, but this is not going to be something that they do on a regular basis. In fact, this could be something that never happens, and they could then come across as though they have lost their humanity. Yet even if one does have moments where they empathise with others, they could still be seen in the same way. Cold The people they come into contact with could describe them as cold and calculated, and this is because they can be only too happy to take advantage of others. This doesn’t mean everyone will see this side of them though, as there could be times when they come across as the complete opposite. When this happens, they will act as though they care about others, but this will just be a way for them to get what they want. But while someone might not realise what is happening in the beginning, it might only be a matter of time before they see what they are actually like. An Act On one side then, they can come across as though they lack the ability to feel, and on the other side, they can come across as though they care about others. This is not to say that they will be able to deceive everyone though, as there are likely to be people who will see right through them. However, even though their behaviour is having a negative effect on their life, it could be a way for them to protect themselves. If they were to feel, they could end up being overwhelmed. All or Nothing While there are some emotions that will allow one to feel good, there are others that will cause them to feel bad. Yet in order for one to experience the ‘positive’ side of spectrum, they will also need to embrace the ‘negative’ side. If they were to block out one side, it is also going to cause them to lose the ability to embrace the other side. Thus, as a way to avoid pain, they can end up losing the ability to feel, and it can then be more or less impossible for them to empathise with others. Toxic Shame One reason why one can disconnect from their emotions is because of toxic shame, and this shows how painful this inner experience can be. If they were to get in touch with how they feel, they could end up feeling as though they are completely worthless. Unlike healthy shame, toxic shame has no purpose; the only thing it will do is cause one to feel as though they are less-than human, and through feeling flawed, they can believe there is nothing they can do. Not having the ability to empathise in order to avoid feeling this way can then be seen as a small price to pay. The Last Thing on Their Mind In fact, the only thing on their mind might have been to stop themselves from being overwhelmed by shame, and this then means that they wouldn’t have been thinking about anything else. When they were overwhelmed by shame, disconnecting from their emotions might have been the only option that was available. This could be a sign that this was something that took place during their early years, and disconnecting from how they feel was then a matter of survival. During this time, they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or they may have been neglected. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to develop their ability to empathise with others, it will be important for them to process the emotional build-up within them. Along with this, they may also be carrying trauma, and this will also need to be dealt with. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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When it comes to the people one has on their friends list, there can be the people they know and there can also be the people they don’t know. As a result of this, just because someone is classed as a friend it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case.
The Same School For example, one can have people on their friends list that they went to school with, and while this means they may have spoken to them a short while ago; it could mean that they haven’t spoken to them in years. If this is the case, it could mean that they no longer know much about them. Thus, if they were to see them in real life, they might not even talk to them. On one hand, this could be because they don’t feel the need to talk to them, and on the other hand, it could also be because they don’t recognise them. One-Off Encounter Along with this, they can also have people on their friends list who they have only met once or on a number of occasions. Therefore, while there is always the chance they will see them again, there is also the chance they won’t. When they think of someone like this, they might know very little about them, and they might not have a connection with them either. Based on this, it could be said that they are nothing more than a number. Mutual Friend There is also that chance that one has people on their friends list who they have never even met. For instance, if a number of their friends know the same person, that person can be seen as someone they may also know. One can then end up adding them and it then won’t matter that they haven’t actually met them in person. When one wants to accumulate more ‘friends’, this might not even bother them. Visually Appealing Another reason why one can add someone they don’t know is because they like their appearance. They can believe that adding them will allow them to get closer to the other person, but even if this doesn’t happen, they can still look through their pictures, for instance. It might be hard for someone to understand they would accept their friend request if they don’t even know them; however, there are at least two reasons why they would do this. On one hand, it will allow them to have more ‘friends’, and on the other hand, they can give them validation. Validation This shows that someone can use social media to change how they feel, and this can mean that it will be important for them to have a lot of’ ‘friends’. The more ‘friends’ they have, the easier it will be for them to receive positive feedback from others. If they are unable to feel good about themselves without using social media, it can be normal for them to be dependent on it. It will then be seen as another way for them to receive approval from others and connecting to others could be the last thing to their mind. Real Friends Yet while one can have people on their friends list who they don’t really know, they can also have people on there who they do know. These can be people they class as their close friends and they can also be people who they are not as close to. Nevertheless, they are likely to be people they see in the real world, and how often they see them can all depend on how close they are. But if they don’t see them very often, it could be because they don’t live very close to each other. Intimacy When it relates to their close friends, it could be people who they share their whole life with. Therefore, not only will they talk about what they have been doing, they will also talk about how they feel. Their need to be seen and heard is then taking place, and this going to have a positive effect on their well-being. If this is a relationship that is based on give and take, one will also respond to the other person in the same way. Effort This kind of friendship will be life-affirming, and like most things in life, it will only exist for as long as one puts in the effort. If one was to longer listen to the other person or if they were to no longer spend time with them, for instance, it would soon have a negative effect on their relationship. Another way of looking at this would be to say that a friendship is either growing or dying. For example, if one was in a romantic relationship with someone and they only saw them twice a year; they are unlikely to have much of a relationship. A Different Approach But while friendships take effort, social media can cause one to believe that they no longer need to put in as much effort. Instead of meeting someone in person or even talking to them on the phone, they could just send them a message or ‘like’ something they have shared. They could believe that this is enough and that they no longer need to do as much as they did before. They can come to the conclusion that they know what is taking place in someone else’s life because of what they share, and as a result of this, they no longer need to find out for themselves. Status Updates Along with this, the kind of things that one shares can also have a negative effect on their friendships. This is partly because one can talk about things that they wouldn’t usually talk about. But if they were to say the same thing in person, it would give them the chance to explain themselves better. But when something is shared online, it can be taken out of context, and it can then be normal for their friends to see them differently. Conclusion This shows that one can erode a friendship without even realising they are doing it, and if they think they can maintain a friendship through liking someone’s status, for instance, they could be in for a surprise. While there is a lot that one can do through using social media, there is also a lot they can’t do. Face-to-face interaction is a vital part of any relationship, and if one can meet a friend in person, it will be important for them to make the effort. Yet if they don’t value someone’s friendship, they won’t need to make the effort.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Internet Dating: Can Internet Dating Make People Believe They Are More Attractive Than They Are?5/12/2015
While social media has allowed people to stay in touch with their ‘friends’ no matter where they are; internet dating has given them the ability to find someone no matter where they are. As a result of this, it is no longer necessary for one to go out in order to find someone to have a relationship with.
Today’s World One can then carry on with the rest of their life while looking for someone who will meet their criteria. This is something that is generally going to be seen as a good thing and this is because of how busy people often are in today’s world. Through being busy, they might not have the time to look for someone in the real world and internet dating can then be seen as the perfect solution. They can then find someone without needing to put other areas of their life on hold. Another Way Or of this is not the case, and they do have time to find someone in the real world, they may have come to believe that the old fashioned way no longer works. In this case, they may have spent a lot of time looking for someone and only been able to get so far. Along with the time they have spent, they may have spent a lot of money. Using the internet can then be seen as the way to meet someone, and finding someone in the real world can be seen as a waste of time. A New Option However, regardless of why people use internet dating, what is clear is that it is a new option. One has the chance to come into contact with people they wouldn’t have come into contact with before. It is no longer necessary for one to go to clubs or bars, for instance, and it doesn’t matter how old one is either. Whereas before one may have felt as though their age would have stopped them from being able to find someone, this is no longer the case. All Ages Through finding the right site, they will see that people of all ages use internet dating and even if they are simply looking for companionship, they may be able to find it. Therefore, people of all ages can benefit from being able to find someone online. While one can have new pictures taken, they can also use pictures that were taken many years ago. This means that can create a better impression online than they would if they were to meet someone in the real world. The Other Side However, even though this can allow one to attract someone they like, once they have met them in person it is likely to cause the other person to feel as though they have been deceived. One only needs to put themselves in the other person’s shoes to understand why they would feel this way. On one hand, the other person may still find them attractive, but on the other hand, this might not be the case. Yet even though one can use older pictures, they can also use pictures that have been heavily edited. Different Angeles Through using different filters and changing their appearance in other ways, the pictures they upload might not even look like them. This is something that can be done by just about anyone; it is not necessary for one to be an expert in editing pictures. Along with this, one can take pictures from certain angles or in a different light and this can also affect how they look. What this shows is how the pictures that people use online might not match up with how they look offline. Responses When one’s pictures don’t match up with their real appearance, it is going mean that the responses they get are not real either. The idea other people will have of them is not going to match up with who they are. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that they won’t accept the feedback that they receive from others. While this might just cause them to feel good about themselves, it could also set them up to lose touch with reality. Caught Up Through receiving this feedback, they can end up creating a false-self, and it can then be normal for them to believe that their appearance has a far greater impact on others than it actually does. Not only can this affect their behaviour online, it can also affect their behaviour offline. The way this may impact a man is not necessarily going to be the way may it impact a women, and this is because men are generally more visual. Therefore, when it relates to a woman, it can set her up to believe that she should no longer go for the kind of men she used to go for and this is because of the effect her appearance has on them. Another Reason What can also play a part here is that people can message the people they wouldn’t usually go for. The first thing they can do is message people they would go for and if they don’t hear back; they can message the people that they wouldn’t usually go for. This can also take place if one feels intimated by how someone looks, and this means they won’t ever bother messaging them. Therefore, the only reason why one is receiving these responses could be because they have edited their pictures on one hand and because other people see them as an easier option on the other. Awareness What this shows is how easy it is for one to get caught up in the kind of feedback they receive online. If one wants to stay grounded, it will be important for them to take a step back from the responses they get. But if this is not possible and they feel as though they need this feedback to feel good about themselves, it might be necessary for them to look at what is taking place within them. Once they can feel good about themselves without needing feedback from others, they are likely to have a better chance of finding the right person. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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On one hand, one can pay attention to their own needs and do what they can to fulfilling them, and on the other hand, they can focus on others people’s needs and do what they can to fulfil them. If their life is a reflection of the former, it is likely to be far more fulfilling than if their life was a reflection of the latter.
However, just because one focuses on their own needs, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they won’t be there for others. Whereas when one is focused on other people’s needs, they are likely to neglect their own needs. Out of Balance It could be said that the ideal will be for one to feel comfortable with their own needs, and this will then allow them to truly be there for others. Unless they can do this, they are going to end up being out of balance. While being there for others will allow them to receive approval; it won’t allow them to meet their own needs. It can then be normal for them to feel as though they are running on empty. Selfless But even though one is neglecting themselves, they can feel as though they are doing the ‘right’ thing. This is likely to be a sign that they don’t feel comfortable with their own needs. However, it doesn’t mean they will realise this though, and this is partly because of how the world is. Putting other people first is often seen as the ideal way to live, and if one was to put their needs first, they can be seen as ‘selfish’. Shame Based on this, having needs is something to feel ashamed of, and this means one will not only need to hide them from others; they will also need to hide them from themselves. Yet as having needs is an inherent part of being human, it is not going to be possible for one to simply ignore them. The only thing this will do is cause them to suffer, and it won’t matter how much approval they receive from others. In this sense, feeling ashamed for having needs is irrational; there is no reason why one should feel this way. A Way of Life Nevertheless, even though there is no reason why one should feel this way, it doesn’t mean they can simply let go of this outlook and move on. They can feel compelled to please others, and even though this is causing them to suffer, it can be what feels right. Their life is then going to be neglected and it is not going to be possible for them to be themselves. So unless something changes, they will continue to sabotage their own life. Feedback When it comes to the people they spend their time with, they could say that one is ‘easy going’ and only too happy to lend a hand. One might also be described as someone who never gets angry. If this is the case, how one comes across to others is not going to match up with how they feel on the inside. Even if they were to speak up and to reveal their needs, they could end up feeling guilty and as though they have done something wrong. A Prison From the outside then, one might not look as though they are suffering, but if someone was swap places with them for a day, they might feel as though they are in a prison. Due to how they come across, people are generally not going to realise, and because of how they feel, they are going to find it hard to open up. It could also be normal for them to feel as though they are being victimised by others, and they can then believe that they have no control over their life. Yet no matter how long one has experienced life in this way, it doesn’t mean they have to continue to experience life in this way. Self-Esteem One way of looking at this would be to say that one has low self-esteem, and this is why they have the need to please others. Therefore, it will be important for them to change how they feel about themselves, as well as the outlook they have. In this case, the focus could be on what is taking place in their mind, and this can mean that they will need to change their beliefs, as well as their thoughts. During this time, one could use affirmations and positive thinking, among other things. Another Angle However, even though one could end up feeling good about themselves through taking this approach, it doesn’t mean they will no longer have the need to please others. This could be what feels safe, and this could then be a sign that they are carrying trauma. As a result of this, it might not matter what they do at an intellectual level, and it might also be necessary for them to look at what is taking place in their body at an emotional level. If one has an emotional build-up, for instance, it is not just going to be about changing things; it is also going to be about letting go. A Deeper Look When one has a strong need to please others, there is the chance that their childhood was a time where they had to overlook their own needs. During this time, it might not have been safe for them to reveal their needs and it would then have been normal for them to disconnect from them It was then not case of them having the odd moment when their needs were ignored; it was a way of life. Thus, focusing purely on their mind is not going to be enough; they will need to take a closer look at what is taking place in their body. Awareness It could be said that working on the mind is a lot easier than working on the body, and this can be why the body is often overlooked. If one has an emotional build-up and/or if they are carrying trauma, it will be important for them to reach out for support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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While there are social media sites where it is possible to add someone as a friend, there are others sites where this is not necessary. In this case, the only thing they need to do is to ‘follow’ the other person.
When it relates to adding someone as a friend, the other person will need to accept their friend request, and this means there is the chance that they won’t end up being friends. Yet when it relates to ‘following’ someone, the other person won’t need to do anything, and this is likely to mean that they will be able to connect to them. Personal One way of looking at this would be to say that when one is ‘friends’ with someone, they are not just another person. The other person is likely to know them, and this can mean the connection that they have is more meaningful. Whereas if they were to ‘follow’ someone, they could be just another person, and this is because there is a strong chance that the other person won’t even know them. As a result of this, the connection they have might not be as meaningful. At The Same Time Having said that, this might not be the case and this is because one can be ‘friends’ with someone without even knowing them. Therefore, it might not matter whether they are ‘friends’ with someone or whether they are just ‘following’ them. This can mean that both of these connections can have same impact on their life, and this shows how times have changed. In the past, a friend was typically someone one knew, but in today’s world, a friend can be nothing more than a number. Accumulation Just like how one would collect mugs or something similar, they can also collect friends online. In this case, who they are is not important; what matters is reaching a certain number of people. On one hand, this can have an effect on how other people perceive them, and on the other hand, this can have an effect on how they feel about themselves. This is not to say that how other people perceive them won’t have an effect on them as well, as this is unlikely to be the case. Self-Image But if ones self-image is based on how many ‘friends’ and/or ‘followers’ they have, they are likely to have the need to gain as many as they can. If they were to come across someone who has accumulated more than they have, it could cause them to feel angry or they could end up feeling down, or both. Through having this outlook, they could also look down on people who have less ‘friends’ and/or ‘followers’ than they do. This can show that their need to experience real relationships with people has been covered up, and in its place is the need to accumulate as many ‘friends’ and/or ‘followers’ as they can. Empty Accumulating numbers on a screen won’t allow them to experience the kind of fulfilment they would experience if they were to have real connections with people. In order for this to happen, they will only need to have a small number of close friends. The value they bring to their lives will far outweigh the connections that they have made online. They will be able to provide them with the human contact that they need in order to thrive. Another Reason However, even though one can ‘follow’ someone with the hope that the other person will ‘follow’ them back, this can also take place for another reason. In this case, they value what the other person has to offer, and as a result, they want to stay in contact with them. This comes down to the fact that social media has given people the opportunity to reach out to people from all walks of life. Nowadays, one can not only listen to their favourite musicians, or watch their favourite actors; they can also find out about what they do each day. One Way But as these kinds of people are so well-know, there is not much chance of one being followed by them. This is going to be something that most people accept, and if this was to change and they were to end up being followed by someone they admire, they can feel as though they are on top of the world. If this was something that happened all the time, it might soon lose its meaning, and one could come to believe that they are ‘special’. Yet it might only be necessary for one person they admire to follow them for this to take place. Two Outcomes When one ‘follows’ someone with the hope that they will ‘follow’ them back, they are going to have a certain expectation. If their expectation is not met, it could cause them to experience inner unrest. While this may mean that they just carry on with the rest of their life, it could also cause them to ‘unfollow’ them. As a result, it won’t matter whether they value what the other person has to offer or not; the only thing they are concerned about is the fact that they haven’t followed them back. One Way of Looking At This This is then similar to one having a business and then buying something from another business. But once they have bought something, they then expect the other business to buy something form them and if they don’t, they will ask for a refund. For one thing, one has chosen to buy something, and this means the other business is under no obligation to buy something from them. Also, just because one buys something from someone else, it doesn’t mean they will want to buy something from them. Conclusion A more sensible approach might be for one to ‘follow’ someone because they want to, and not because they expect anything back. If one was going to give someone a present and they expected them to give them a certain response, they could end up feeling let down. But if they were to give them a gift without being attached to the outcome, they are les likely to be effect by their response. They will have given then gift because they wanted to and not because they expected to get anything back.
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When someone has the desire to achieve something, they can end up imagining what their life would be like if they were to achieve it. On one hand, they could believe that it will have a small impact on their life, and on the other hand, they could believe that it will have significant impact on their life.
If they were to believe that it would transform their life, they may also believe that all their problems would disappear. In this case, their life is going to go from being imperfect to being perfect. The Illusion However, even though their life may improve, it is highly unlikely that all their problems would disappear. What they are likely to find is that the problems they used to have are replaced with another set of problems (or challenges). But if it wasn’t for their ability to believe that their life would be perfect, it might have been a lot harder for them to achieve what they have achieved. In this sense, the illusion they created had a positive effect on them. Out of Balance Once they have achieved what they wanted to achieve, they may realise that they were simply deluding themselves. They were caught up with the need to experience life in a certain way and this set them up to deny the other side of life. One way of looking at this would be to say that they ended up deceiving themselves. Their may have been other people around them who supported their outlook, but they were the ones who carried it through. Self-Deception Although it can be easy for someone to deceive themselves, it doesn’t mean that they realise this. This can be because they are focused on other people are deceiving them. As a result of this, it can be normal for someone to overlook what is taking place within them and to focus on what is taking place around them. Through doing this, it can stop them from looking into what part they might be playing in what is taking place. A Pattern For instance, if someone is surrounded by people who are only too happy to deceive them, then it might be necessary for them to take a step back and to look into why they are drawn to such people. This could be a sign that they are unwilling to look at part of themselves, and this then sets them up to tolerate dishonesty from others. Having said that, no matter how honest someone is with themselves, it doesn’t mean they will no longer come into contact with people who are dishonest. However, it is likely to give them a greater ability to recognise when someone else is being dishonest. A Common Area If someone was to think about a time in their life where they have been deceived, they might think about someone they were in a relationship with. Having said that, they might think about a time in their life when they were on a date with someone, and how they came to see that the other person was not who they said they were. When someone meets another person for the first time, they are going to want to make a good impression. On one hand, this can mean that they focus on the parts of their life that they like and overlook the parts that they don’t like, and on the other hand, it can also cause them to make things up. Best Foot Forward If they were to overlook the parts of their life that they were pleased with and to focus on the parts that they were not pleased with, they would be sabotaging their life. Yet there is a big difference between someone focusing on their good points and making things up. It could be said that it is these good points that will draw someone in, and then as time passes, the other side of their life will gradually appear. When this doesn’t take place and someone continues to cover up other areas of their life, they are going to be deceiving the other person. Personality and Appearance Along with this, they can also behave in ways that don’t match up with who they really are. When this happens, their behaviour is not going to be slightly different, it will be completely different. There is only going to be so much that men can do when it comes to their appearance, but the same can’t be said when it comes to women. Not only can they use make up, they can also use special bras and high heels to change their appearance, among other things. Internet Dating Still, when someone is in another person’s presence, they will have the chance to see if the other person is telling the truth. This is not going to be the case if they were to talk to someone online. The only think they will have to go by is the pictures they have chosen to share, the description they have written, and the messages they send. The pictures they have shared might not only have been edited; they might have been taken a number of years ago. Other Details Their description might not reflect who they are, and their messages could also be constructed to create the ‘right’ impression. This is because they will have all the time they need to say the ‘right’ thing. The person someone thinks they are talking to is then not going to match up with who they are, and even if they were to talk to them on the phone, it is still going to be possible for them to put on an act. If they were to go on a date with them, they might soon realise that they were putting on an act, and at that point, they may have spoken to them for quite some time. Conclusion It would be inaccurate to say that everyone who uses a dating site is out to deceive others, but at the same time, someone can deceive others without even realising what they are doing. As it is so easy to make things up online, they might not think about how the person they are presenting doesn’t match up with who they are. One approach would be for one to meet someone as soon as they can; through doing this, they will be able to get a better understanding of what they are actually like. As a result, they are likely to waste less time and it might be easier for them to find exactly what they are looking for.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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