Early Deprivation: What Can Happen If Someone Was Treated Like An Object During Their Childhood?20/4/2024
Although someone is a separate human being with their own needs, feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Instead, they can feel like they are simply an extension of others.
Due to this, they are not going to have the sense that they own themselves, they will feel as though other people do. This then means that they won’t be in control of themselves; other people will be in control of them. The outcome Consequently, when it comes to what they do or don’t do, it will generally be defined by what other people want them to do. However, this can be something that is so normal, that they are not even aware of what is going on. But, as they are not acting like a separate human being and are neglecting themselves, they are likely to experience a fair amount of anger and frustration. Yet, as they don’t feel comfortable expressing themselves, they are likely to ignore these feelings. Weighed Down The outcome of this is that they can have the tendency to feel very low and depressed. By not understanding what is going on, they could conclude that they simply suffer from depression and have mental health issues. What will also play a part in how low they feel is being walked over and doing things that they don't want to do. Understandably, being used and violated on a regular basis is going to have a negative impact on their wellbeing. Waking Up Now, if they started to become aware of what is going on, it doesn’t mean that they would just be able to change how they behave. They will then want to change, but they will still feel compelled to behave in the same way. At this point, they can believe that they are nothing more than a slave and that they will never be able to freely express themselves. If they were to imagine that they no longer behaved in this way and did what they wanted to do, they could feel anxious and fearful. The All-Clear Therefore, they are not going to feel safe enough to change their behaviour. If they were to go deeper into how they feel, they could find that they fear that they will be harmed and/or rejected and abandoned if they don’t behave in the same way. For them to act like an individual, then, they are going to need permission. Without this, it will be as if their life is under threat and they won’t survive. Another Element Along with this, they can find that they don’t believe that they are worthy of freely expressing themselves and having their own life. So, as they don’t feel safe enough or worthy of experiencing life differently, it is not a surprise that their life is this way. What can also make it difficult for them to change their life is that they might not have a good connection with their needs and feelings. Without access to this inner guidance, they won’t know what to do with their life. What’s going on? It can seem strange as to why their life would be this way, but, if their early years were taken into account, it might soon make complete sense. Throughout this stage of their life, they may have had at least one parent who wasn’t able to see them as a separate human being who had their own needs, feelings and life to lead. To this parent, they might have been seen as nothing more than an object that they had complete control over. It then wouldn’t have mattered if they wanted to do something as they would have typically had to do as they were told. Abandoned Being taken advantage of and violated would have been the norm as opposed to the exception. Not being provided with the love that they needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, the only way that they could handle what was going on was by repressing how they felt and a number of developmental needs. This wouldn’t have stopped them from being mistreated but it would have stopped them from being aware of the pain that this was causing them. The meaning The downside to this is that they would have left their body and lost touch with a number of their needs and feelings. Another part of this is that, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what was going on. It was then not that this parent was unable to see them as a separate individual and love them; no, it was that there was something inherently wrong with them. Most likely, this parent was a deeply wounded human being who had also been seen as an object during their early years. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Create A Disconnected False Self?15/4/2024
When someone is connected to their body, they will have access to their needs and feelings. By having this connection to themselves, they will be able to freely express who they are and live a life that is worth living.
What will also play a part in them being able to live in this way will be the felt sense of safety and worth that they have. As, if they didn’t feel safe enough to live in this way or worthy of living this way, they wouldn’t be able to consistently express themselves. Just how it is However, if it is normal for someone to freely express themselves and their life is in alignment with who they are, they might not realise that they have a felt sense of safety and worth. This can show that they have more or less always been this way. For them to notice this, then, and even that they are connected to their body, they would probably need to have an experience that shakes them up, so to speak. Yet, even if this were to occur, they could soon return to how they were before and forget about how it was. A Different Reality If, on the other hand, someone is not connected to their body and doesn’t have access to a number of their needs and feelings, they won’t be able to freely express who they are and live a life that is worth living. By not having this connection with themselves, they will live on the surface of themselves. Most likely, they won’t have a felt sense of safety or worth. As, if they did feel safe enough to be in their body and worthy of freely expressing themselves, their life would be different. The Norm But, as with the person above, this can just be what is normal, which will stop them from realising what is going on. Once again, this can show that they have more or less always been this way. So, for them to become aware of what is going on, they would probably need to have an experience that allows them to momentarily reconnect to their body. But, as with the example above, they could soon go back to how they were and forget about what it was like. Outer Directed Anyway, by not being rooted in their own body and connected to all of their needs and feelings, they are likely to look towards others to guide them. This can be something that takes place without them being consciously aware of it. Additionally, they can have the tendency to play a role. This can mean that they will generally come across as easy-going, happy, and as though nothing bothers them, for instance. A Mask But, even if they do come across in this way, this is going to be nothing more than a facade. Ultimately, as they won’t be in tune with themselves and will be living a life that is not in alignment with who they are, it won’t be possible for them to be truly happy. Yet, as they are not in tune with how they feel, they won’t just be deceiving others; they will also be deceiving themselves. Naturally, living in this way is going to take its toll on them. The Mask Drops Sooner or later, they might arrive at the point where they can no longer behave in this way and it could get harder for them to maintain the illusion that they are happy. Nonetheless, a big part of them could still have the need to behave in the same way and make out that everything is fine. If they were to merely think about changing their behaviour and express how they feel, they could feel anxious and fearful. Based on this, it will be as though they can only survive by hiding themselves and playing a role. A Strange Scenario At this point, they could wonder what is going on and why it is so difficult for them to be real. What they could find is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. If this is the case, what this may illustrate is that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were unable to truly be there for them and provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Back in Time Due to this, they would have seldom if ever been seen and heard; instead, they would have been forced to adapt to their parent or parent's needs and play a role. If they expressed themselves, they might have been disapproved of, punished, harmed and/or rejected. Not receiving the attunement and love that they needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle the pain that they were in and the lack of love that was on offer, their brain would have repressed how they felt, a number of their needs and parts of themselves. The Outcome As a result of this, they would have gradually left their body to avoid the pain they were in and created a disconnected false self. This self will have been outer-directed and dependent on the approval of others in order to feel safe, worthy and loved. They would have come to believe, as a consequence of being egocentric, that pleasing others was the only way for them to be supported and survive and that there was something inherently wrong with them. To be able to reconnect to themselves and freely express who they are, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on how they behave, is that they have the tendency to ignore their feelings and a number of their needs. Due to this, they are typically going to act as though they are an extension of others as opposed to a separate human being.
Thanks to this, they are likely to be well and truly fed up and no longer want to behave in this way. But, as they will be neglecting themselves, it is to be expected that they will be this way. A Different View However, although they will be neglecting themselves, most if not all of the people in their life might not be aware of this. Thus, if these people were to describe them, they could say that they are selfless and considerate. This is likely to mean that they will be used to receiving a fair amount of positive feedback. But, irrespective of this, they will be deprived of what they need to live a life that is fulfilling. A Different Experience For this to change, they will need to pay attention to how they feel and to meet their needs. Still, if they were to imagine paying attention to how they feel and expressing their needs, they could feel uncomfortable. This can be a time when they will feel anxious and they could soon have the need to go back to how they were before. What could also enter their mind is that if they no longer turn their back on themselves, they will be punished, rejected and even abandoned. A Lot of Resistance From this, it will be as though they will only be accepted and survive if they turn their back on themselves. At this stage, this is likely to be seen as something that is the truth. In reality, they don’t need to turn their back on themselves to be accepted and survive. Considering this, it could be said that not only is this just something that they believe but that that it is irrational. Back In Time Nevertheless, if what took place during their formative years was taken into account, how they behave as an adult might make complete sense. This may have been a stage of their life when one of their parents didn’t see them as an individual who had their own needs and feelings. Instead, they might have been seen as an extension of this parent. If so, they would have been forced to adapt to this parent and do what this parent wanted them to do. The outcome A stage of their life, then, when they needed an attuned parent who could generally meet their needs was a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. A big part of this adaption process would have been for them to lose touch with their feelings and a number of their needs. Additionally, parts of themselves would have also been split off and repressed. The connection that they had with themselves would have soon been replaced by a disconnected false self that allowed them to be accepted and survive. No Choice As they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to change this parent or find another family. Becoming a stranger to themselves was the only way for them to handle a stage of their life that caused them to suffer immensely. Yet, while this stage of their life will be over, a big part of them won’t realise this. This is then why they are unable to accept that they can listen to themselves and be accepted and survive. Another Element In addition to this, as they were egocentric at this stage, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that this parent couldn’t attune to them and provide them with the love that they needed; it was that there was something inherently wrong with them and they were unlovable. Most likely, this parent had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. This could be something that goes back many, many generations. The Truth For them to know, at the core of their being, that they can be connected to and express who they are and be accepted and survive, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may see, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they have been with a number of people who more or less showered them with love, practically as soon as they met them, and then, before long, they changed. It would then have been as though they were the centre of the other person’s world at one point in time and at another, they were a mere afterthought.
But, if the other person didn’t fade away after being a big part of their life, they might have gone from being very warm to being very cold. If they were in one season, then, they would have soon ended up in another. A Strange Scenario When they think about how this area of their life has been on a number of occasions, they could struggle to understand what is going on. They are likely to have a strong need to meet someone who is not only interested in them at the beginning but stays that way as time passes. However, thanks to the experiences that they have had, they might not want to date another person right now. But, if they have been forgotten about and mistreated by people who showed them a lot of interest in the beginning, this is to be expected. Full of Doubt What can enter their mind is that if someone does show interest in the future, they might not be able to accept that it is genuine. A big part of them can believe that if another person does show them interest it’s because they are trying to manipulate them. Due to this, they can have a strong need to put this area of their life to one side and focus on other areas. At this time, it will be important for them to be kind and compassionate to themselves. The Same Experience After a while, they could feel a need to start dating again and they could meet someone who is very interested in them. This person can send them a lot of messages, call them a lot, want to spend a lot of time with them and send them a lot of gifts, for instance. Yet, as they have been through this before, a big part of them could feel as though something isn’t right and that things are moving too fast. They could also think about how the other person doesn’t really know them but they are acting as if they have known them for ages. A Big Red Flag Thanks to what is going on for them, they could soon put the brakes on and cut their ties with the other person. Still, it might take a while before the other person is able to accept their decision and keep their distance. After having been in this position on a number of occasions, they could wonder what is going on. Part of them might believe that they are a powerless victim, while another part of them might not be able to accept this. A Closer Look If they were to connect with how they feel, they could find that they feel invisible, ignored, worthless and unlovable. Along with this, they could see that a big part of them is desperate to be seen, heard, valued, loved and receive affection. Therefore, when they meet someone who showers them with their time, attention and affection, it is naturally going to be very appealing to them. As a result of how empty they feel, getting to know someone and seeing if they are a good match will have typically been the last thing on their mind. What going on? At this stage, they could wonder why they are this way and why they don’t feel like a whole and complete human being. What this can illustrate is that their early years were a time when their mother and/or father were emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Consequently, they would have rarely if ever been seen and heard, with them often feeling ignored, invisible, worthless, rejected, unwanted and unloved. This would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. One option To handle being deprived and the pain that this caused them, a number of their development needs and the pain they were in would have been repressed by their brain. If they were not powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to change what was going on or to find another family. Furthermore, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their mother and/or father were unable to give them what they needed; it was that they were worthless and unlovable. The Outcome Now, many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but they will have unknowingly been trying to meet their unmet development needs. But, as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that another person is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to meet these needs. So, when they meet someone and this person is warm, it will give this other part of them the hope that they will finally receive what they missed out on, and, when this person is cold, they will feel how they felt all those years ago. For them to put this stage of their life behind them, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Now that someone is an adult, they can have the tendency to feel bad about themselves. And, it might not matter what they do or how they live their life, as it might not change the sense of badness that they often experience.
Along with this, they can have an overly developed sense of responsibility and believe that they are more or less always to blame whenever something goes wrong. Thus, they will end up feeling worse during the moments when they hold themselves accountable for something that hasn’t got anything to do with them. Weighed Down To say that they will carry the weight of the world on their shoulders will be an understatement. Naturally, with all this pressure and the painful feelings that they often experience, their life is not going to be very fulfilling. They could spend a lot of time feeling down and depressed and they might even have moments when they think about ending their life. What this will show is how beaten down they are and how unbearable their life is. Self-Sabotage Furthermore, thanks to how they usually feel, they might have the inclination to push good things out of their life. This is not to say that they will do this consciously, though, as it can take place without them being aware of it. For example, if they were to meet someone who treats them well and were to build a healthy relationship, it could soon come to an end. Ultimately, due to how they feel and see themselves, they won’t feel worthy and deserving of having a relationship like this. One More How they feel and see themselves can also stop them from moving forward in their job or career. So, they might have been at the same level for many, many years. Or, they might have been able to take a step or a few steps forward, only to soon return to where they were before. Once again, moving forward and being successful won’t be seen as something that they are worthy and deserving of. Stepping Back After experiencing life in this way for however long and getting to the point where they can’t tolerate it any more, they could start to wonder why they feel so bad about themselves and are to blame for just about everything that happens. They could also look back on their life to try to find out what it is that they have done that is so bad that they deserve to be punished forever. They might not be able to work out why they feel so bad and are to blame for just about everything or find something that they have done that is so bad that they deserve to be punished forever. What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were anything but nurturing. Blocked out Their brain will have caused them to consciously forget about what happened in order to allow them to keep it together and function. The outcome of this is that what happened during this stage of their life will continue to define how they feel and see themselves but they won’t be able to join the dots, to speak. If they were able to go back in time and have a few of the experiences that they had all those years ago, how they experience life as an adult might soon make complete sense. Throughout this stage of their life, they are likely to have often been blamed for the problems that their family had. A Walking Target This might have been something that only one of their parents did, or it might have been something that both of them did. Then again, one parent might have blamed them more than the other for what was going on. Regardless of this, they would have often been seen as the problem and, thus, if it wasn’t for them, everything would have been fine. Being told off, put down, and perhaps isolated would then have been normal. Taken To Heart Although what was going on wasn’t their fault and one or both of their parents were probably a deeply wounded human being who might have had personality disorder, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that one or both of their parents were not in a good way and were blaming them for things that were their fault; no, it was that they were bad and deserved to be punished. Furthermore, taking responsibility for what was going on would have given them a false sense of power and the hope that they could change what was going on if they tried hard enough. But, as they were not to blame for how they were being treated and one or both of their parents were not in a good way, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. The Truth Being treated in this way would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. What they needed was for their worth and lovability to be mirrored back to them, to allow them to develop a felt sense of worth, deserving and lovability. For them to change their life, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet development needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was brought up by a narcissistic parent, they are unlikely to be in a good way now that they are an adult. This is, of course, assuming that they haven’t started to heal any of their inner wounds.
Ultimately, at this stage of their life, in order to grow and develop in the right way, they needed two parents who were able to attune to their needs and generally meet them. This would have meant that they were loved by them. The Opposite But, as at least one of their parents was emotionally unavailable, was caught up with their own needs, lacked empathy, was cruel and saw them as an extension of themselves, this wouldn’t have taken place. Instead, they would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. If their other parent was more human and was around, this stage of their life might not have been as destructive as it would have been otherwise. Yet, this parent might have been very passive and not stood up for them, which would have also played a part in the damage that was done to them. Emotionally Starved So, this may have been a time when their basic needs were generally met such as their need for food, water, clothing and shelter. But, apart from these needs, it is likely to have been as though they were living in a desert. The reason for this is that thanks to one of their parents not having the inability to recognise them as a separate human being who had their own needs and feelings, they wouldn’t have received the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow a strong sense of self. Therefore, although they would have experienced a physical birth, they wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth. Empty By not receiving the nutrients that they needed, they would have been forced to disconnect from their body and create a false self. The purpose of this false self would have been to please this parent and receive their attention and acceptance. As they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them and they were unlovable. Another part of this is that believing that they were the problem would have given them a false sense of control and the hope that, if they tried hard enough, they would be loved. Totally Powerless But, as this parent was unable to love them, it wouldn’t have mattered how they behaved or what they did. If they had accepted this at this stage of their life, though, it would have been too much for them to handle. Below the false self that they were forced to create in order to survive would have been the pain, unmet developmental needs and parts of themselves that were not seen as acceptable. The felt sense of safety, belonging, worth, deserving and love that would have been developed had this parent been different won’t be there, causing them to feel empty as an adult. A Strange Scenario So, after exploring what took place during their early years and taking the steps to gradually heal their inner wounds, they can wonder why this parent behaved in this way. Most likely, this parent had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. During this stage of their life, they probably had at least one parent who was unable to attune to their needs and generally meet them. This parent probably also had a parent or parents who were unable to be there for them during their formative years. A Brutal Time For them to handle what was going on, they would have ended up disconnecting from their body and creating an inflated false self. Not being connected to themselves would have stopped them from feeling ashamed, worthless and unlovable, for instance, but, it would have undermined their ability to connect with and attune to other people. Moreover, as they didn’t receive what they needed to be able to move through each developmental stage, they wouldn't have realised that other people were not an extension of them. They would then have been an adult and had a child who needed to receive but they would have felt like a powerless and dependent child deep down and needed a parent. One Generation to Another If they had been able to face what was going on for them and healed some if not all of their inner wounds, they wouldn’t have harmed their own child to the same degree. But, as they were alienated from themselves and were unconsciously doing just about everything that they could to avoid their own pain, they more or less repeated what was done to them. A big part of what allowed them to keep their inflated false self in place would have been for them to project their own issues into others and not engage in self-reflection. What this illustrates is that as strong as they might have appeared to be, their self was built on sand and that they were not in a good way mentally or emotionally. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Attract People Who Are Narcissistic?5/4/2024
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they have been in a number of relationships with people who were narcissistic. They may even see that there are a number of people in their life who are like this.
When they think about what these people were like, what can soon come to mind is that they always needed to be the centre of attention, to be admired, were overly entitled, self-centred, and lacked empathy, for instance. Naturally, being in a relationship with someone like this would have had a big impact on them. Two Parts Yet, even when a relationship like this came to an end, it probably wasn’t possible for them to just put what took place behind them and go back to living their life. The reason for this is that being with someone like this is likely to have greatly undermined them. To use an analogy, it will have been as though they were in a war zone at one moment and in the next, they were undergoing rehabilitation. Even if they were not physically harmed, their mental and emotional self will have been wounded. A Closer Look Due to what the other person was like, it would have been normal for them for them to be deprived. They will have given a lot to the other person, while they will have received very little in return. As a result of this, a number of their needs would have rarely if ever been met, undermining their sense of self in the process. Instead of there being two individuals in the relationship, then, they would have been seen as an extension of their partner. A Bleak Time During this time, feeling ignored, invisible, used, worthless, powerless, rejected, unlovable and low would have been the norm. They are likely to have had a deep sense that they didn’t matter and didn’t have an impact. But, each time they were in a relationship like this, they might not have been able to simply cut their ties and move on. Thanks to how worn down they were, they might have ended up staying with them for many weeks, months or even years. Finding Themselves After having been in a number of relationships that were like this, they could wonder why they have ended up in this position on so many occasions. They might not be able to accept that they are just unlucky. They might also see that they were victimised by the person they were with but they can’t accept that they are inherently a victim. At this point, they could start to explore what it was like for them during their formative years. Back In Time If they were to do this, what they may gradually find is how this area of their life is very similar to how it was for them as a child. What this can show is that their mother or father was emotionally unavailable, consumed by their own needs, cruel and lacked empathy. Not only this but this parent might not have been able to accept that they were a separate human being who had their own needs and feelings. If so, they would have treated them as though they were merely an extension of themselves. The outcome Consequently, they wouldn’t have received the attunement and love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Their feelings would have typically been ignored as would a number of their needs. The attention and acceptance that they did receive would have been based on them hiding themselves and playing a role. If they did freely express themselves and acted like an individual, they might have soon been criticised, harmed and/or rejected and abandoned. The Meaning At this stage of their life, they were powerless and totally dependent, so they needed attention and acceptance. They then had no other choice but to adapt to their parent and lose themselves. Not being seen, heard and supported for who they were would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. Feeling ignored, invisible, scared, angry, guilty, worthless, ashamed, helpless, hopeless, unloved, unwanted and hurt is likely to have been a common experience. The Truth And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that the reason their parent behaved in this way was because there was something inherently wrong with them. In reality, this parent was likely to have been deeply wounded and unable to love them. There is a strong chance that this parent didn’t receive the love that they needed during their formative years and ended up developing a disconnected and inflated false self to handle the pain they were in. What took place will be in the past, but the beliefs that they developed, along with the pain and unmet developmental needs that ended up being repressed, will anchor them to their past. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Over the years, someone may have spent a fair amount of time around people who always wanted to be the centre of attention, to always be admired, had a strong sense of entitlement and were self-centred, for instance. Unlike these people, they could come across in a very different way.
So, they might typically avoid attention, have no interest in being admired, not feel entitled to anything and spend a lot of time being focused on others. Thus, to say that they are anything like these people wouldn’t be accurate. Random Thanks to the experiences that they have had around people like this, they may have spent a lot of time researching why someone would behave in this way. They may have learned that these people are deeply wounded and rarely if ever change. However, if they were to put what is going on for someone like this to one side and look at their behaviour, they might soon see that they are also out of balance. What might enter their mind is how they have gone too far to the other extreme. Two Sides If the people who are on the other side of the spectrum need to turn the volume down, they need to turn the volume up, so to speak. They are then going to need to allow themselves to receive attention, to be admired from time to time, to develop a healthy sense of entitlement and to be there for themselves, for instance. By being this way, they are not going from one extreme to another; they will be becoming more balanced. But, although this will be the right thing for them to do, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable doing this. Resistance What they could find, if they were to imagine becoming more balanced, is that they feel deeply uncomfortable. They could experience anxiety and a fair amount of guilt and shame. It could be said that there is no reason for them to be this way and that the thoughts that they have and how they feel are irrational. Even so, if they were to look back on what their early years were like, what is going on for them might make complete sense. Back In Time This may have been a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and consumed by their own needs. As a result of this, they wouldn’t have been able to be there for them and provide with them the love that they needed. They would have seldom received attention, had their needs and feelings acknowledged, been supported and encouraged, or treated as though they were valuable and lovable. A Big Impact At this stage of their life, in order to grow and develop in the right way, they needed to receive a lot of attention, for their needs and feelings to be acknowledged, to be supported for who they were, and treated as though they were valuable and lovable. But, while this didn’t take place, these needs wouldn’t have disappeared. No, these developmental or narcissistic needs would have ended up being removed from their conscious awareness and repressed. If they had stayed connected to these needs, they would have suffered even more. An Adaption Over time, they would have lost touch with their embodied true self and developed a disembodied false self. This self would have related to them being needless and being comfortable not being seen and heard. But, underneath this disembodied false self would have been all the needs that had not and were not being met. They were then, at this point, a stranger to themselves and had fully adjusted to their depriving environment. The Next Stage Now, the years will have passed and they will no longer be a child, but, they will still carry their unmet developmental needs. These needs, along with a number of their adult needs, will be outside of their conscious awareness but they will continue to influence how they experience life. The people, who they have spent time with, who appeared to be very different to them, will have then been a reflection of what they need to heal inside themselves. The trouble is that as they won’t have been aware of what was taking place outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak. A Time of Integration For their life to change and for them to no longer be drawn to people who are out of balance, they will need to do at least two things. First, they will need to face and work through their unmet development needs and the pain that they experienced. Second, they will need to reconnect to the adult needs that they have been out of touch with. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone doesn’t believe that they are enough, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. But, even if this is the case, it is still going to have a big impact on their life.
So, by having this software running, they can more or less always be on the go and trying to achieve something. This might mean that they are seen as someone who is successful or it might not. Never Ending But, no matter what they have achieved or what they achieve, they are unlikely to slow them. The reason for this is that irrespective of what they achieve in the external world, it won’t change what is taking place outside of their conscious awareness. Due to this, they will continue to be unknowingly driven by what is taking place for them at a deeper level. If they were to slow down, they might soon come into contact with some of the inner material that they have been running away from for however long and not be in a good way. One Area Now, while they might be doing well when it comes to their career, for instance, this might not be the case when it comes to their love life. They might not have been able to make much progress when it comes to their love life. They might have been on a number of dates but not gone much further than this. Or, they might have been in a number of relationships but, before long, they might have come to an end. Very Challenging If they have been in a number of relationships that have not lasted for very long, the other person might have always ended the relationship. Each time that this took place, they might have felt very low and even depressed. When they were in a relationship, they might have typically focused on the other person's needs and done what they could to please them. They would then have given a lot and, most likely, received very little in return. The Next Stage After a relationship came to an end, they might have come to the conclusion that they were missing something. For example, they might have believed that they were not as desirable as they needed to be and/or needed more money. But, if they did end up working on their appearance and/or earned more money, this is unlikely to have had much of an impact. Additionally, putting in all this extra effort and not making any progress may have caused them to feel helpless and helpless. Steeping Back What can cause them to step back and reflect on their life is a painful breakup. After realising that what they are doing is not allowing them to experience what they desire, they can wonder why their life is this way. What can end up standing out is that they don’t believe that they are enough, and this is why it doesn’t matter what they do and why they are unable to sustain a relationship. If they were to talk to a friend about what is going on for them, they could be told that what they believe is not true and that they are enough. Going Deeper The truth is that they are enough, so why don’t they know this at the core of their being? What this can show is that their early years were a time when they missed out on the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been rejected and left by their mother and perhaps their father. This could show that one of both of their parents was emotionally unavailable and unable to love them. A Natural Outcome Being treated in this way would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed the pain they were in and a number of their developmental needs. The other part of this is that as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that the reason they were treated in this way was because they were not enough and were worthless and unlovable. In reality, how they were treated had nothing to do with them and everything to do with what was going on for their mother and perhaps their father. It’s over What took place will be in the past, but, thanks to what they believe and the pain and unmet developmental needs that they are carrying, they will be unconsciously re-creating this early experience. An experience where they can’t accept that they are enough and some if not all of what they desire is out of their reach. For them to gradually put this stage of their life behind them, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet development needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was mistreated during their formative years, they might not be in a good way now that they are an adult. In fact, their life could be one big struggle, with them wondering if they even want to be alive.
However, even if they are not in a good way, it doesn’t mean that they will know why their life is this way. The reason for this is that their brain may have caused them to forget about most of what took place in order to protect them. The Outcome If so, it can be as though they just have something wrong with them and this is why they can’t handle life. Or, they could believe that they have a chemical imbalance and were, thus, born with a faulty brain. Either way, neither of these assessments or one that is similar to it is going to shed light on why they are this way. If they were to end up being put on medication, then, it might make it easier for them to function but it certainly won’t heal the damage that was done to them during their childhood. Different Direction But, even if they do go on medication, they could end up looking into what their childhood was like. What could play a part in them going down this path is that they could see a post on social media or a friend could mention something that gets the ball moving. After this, they could watch videos, read articles and books, and feel the call to work with a therapist. This can be a time when it is as though they were in a dark room for most of their life and now the lights are starting to come on. A Tough Time Their early years might have been brutal and working through their pain and facing their unmet developmental needs won’t be easy. But, with external support and the strength that they now have by being an adult, they have what it takes to gradually heal themselves. After working with a therapist for a while, they can have the need to speak to the parent or parents who abused them. This can also be something that they have the need to do even if they are not working with a therapist and are doing work on themselves. A Big Step Assuming that it is one parent who mistreated them, they can arrange a time to see them or they can just call them or turn up at their home. After they have mentioned a few things and perhaps asked them why they treated them in this way, they may receive a very positive response. So, this parent can validate what they say, empathise with them and show compassion. From this, it will show that although they treated them badly and caused them a lot of harm, they are now willing to help them heal. The ideal This parent might be very old and frail, but, even if this is the case, this won’t prevent them from being there for their adult child. What this response is also likely to show is that they don’t have a personality disorder. If they did, they are likely to have had a very different experience when they opened up to this parent. If, for example, they were abused by both of their parents and they had opened up to their other parent, they might not have made much headway as this parent might have a personality disorder. A Big Help Anyway, having this parent’s support is likely to make it easier for them to heal the damage that was done to them. This parent might even be willing to go with them when they have therapy, assuming that they are having therapy. In any case, talking over what happened and having their parent acknowledge their experiences will greatly serve them on their healing journey. This is something that they can be grateful for. Another Scenario Conversely, they can talk to the parent who mistreated them and have a very different experience. Instead of this parent validating what they say, empathising with them and showing compassion, they can invalidate what they say, have no interest in putting themselves in their shoes or show any sympathy. Based on how they behave, it can be as if their adult child is simply making everything up and is trying to make them look bad for no apparent reason. This parent is then not going to act like their parent; they will act like they are a random stranger who is being accused of something that they themselves didn’t do. A Brick Wall After their parent has behaved in this way, they could end up feeling frustrated, angry, betrayed, helpless and helpless. Most likely, this is how they often felt throughout their formative years. Still, they could try to get through to this parent again and this could go on for many, many months, if not years. What they might soon see is that a big part of them is still trying to be loved by this parent but, just as this parent couldn’t love them as a child, they can’t love them now. Drawing the line It then won’t matter how often or how hard they try; the outcome will always be the same. Not only this but, by trying to get through to and be seen and heard by their parent who can’t do this, they will be harming themselves. Thankfully, by working through their pain and experiencing their unmet developmental needs, they will gradually let go of the need to get through to and be seen and heard by this parent. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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