Self-Worth: Can Someone Believe That They Are Worthless If they Experienced Early Deprivation?1/3/2024
During someone’s formative years, they may have had at least one parent who was very harsh. If so, it would have been normal for them to be put down by this parent and treated like they were nothing.
Therefore, even if there were moments when this parent did treat them differently, it wouldn’t have had much of an impact. It also wouldn’t have mattered if they had another parent who was different. A Deep Impact Being treated in this way by someone who they looked toward for love, care and protection would have wounded them. What they needed was for this parent to build them up, not tear them down. As a result of being on the receiving end of this behaviour, there will be how they would have felt and how they came to see themselves. Moreover, there is a strong chance that their parent’s critical voice ended up being internalised. The First Part When it comes to how they would have felt, they are likely to have experienced the following feelings: anger, shame, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness. Along with this, they are likely to have often felt rejected, unwanted, unloved and worthless. Based on how they were being treated, it would have been perfectly normal for them to feel this way. And, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, it wasn’t possible for them to see that how they were being treated was a reflection of what was going on for their parent. The Second Part When it comes to how they would have come to see themselves, the view that they developed would have been negative. So, as they were being treated badly and they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. It was then not that their parent had their own issues and was unable to see them clearly; instead, it was that had no value, were unlovable, and incapable, for instance. Ultimately, the view that they formed had no basis in reality. The Third Part When it comes to the third part, if their parent’s voice was internalised, it would have caused them to develop a very negative inner voice. For example, this voice would have been programmed to tell them that they were incapable, not good enough, and a failure. Although this voice would have been an effect of how their parent spoke to them, due to how normal it was, it would have been experienced as their own voice. They might have even believed that this voice was part of their conscience. Back To the Present Now that they are an adult, then, they are likely to experience a lot of painful feelings, have a negative view of themselves and have a very critical voice inside their head. This will be an effect of how they were spoken to, along with how they were treated by this and perhaps their other parent. For them to gradually move on from this stage of their life, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and unmet developmental needs to experience, amongst other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence. The Other Side As for the parent who was very harsh and had their own issues, they were probably not aware of how harsh or wounded they were. Even so, criticising their child and perhaps others is likely to have been a way for them to avoid what was going on for them. If, then, they hadn’t put their child and perhaps others down, it would have probably caused them to come into contact with their critical inner voice. The outcome of this is that they would have ended up feeling worthless and unlovable. A Defence Thus, externalising their critical inner voice and putting other people down allowed them to avoid what was going on for them internally and keep it together and function. There is a strong chance that they didn’t have a very good connection with their inner world. By being so externally focused, then, they were oblivious to the fact that they had externalised their critical inner voice and were living on the surface of themselves. If they had been aware of this, it is unlikely that they would have been able to behave in this way. The Bigger Picture What this illustrates is that, while how they were spoken to and treated by them would have been seen as a reflection of their worth and lovability, it had absolutely nothing to do with their worth or lovability. This parent was most likely deeply wounded during their formative years. To handle what took place, they would have developed a disconnected and inflated false self. This self would have typically allowed them to keep what was going on for them at bay but it would have also caused them to become an unfeeling, cold and cruel being, who was full of painful inner material that had to be continually projected into others for them to stop themselves from coming into contact with it. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If someone has turned their back on themselves, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. However, if another person were to observe how they behave for a little while, they might soon realise what is going on.
At this point, it can seem strange as to how another person would be able to see what is going on but they wouldn’t be able to; after all, it is their life. What this illustrates is how their brain will have blocked out what is going on in order to protect them. The other Side So, as the person on the outside doesn’t have the need to block out what is going on, it is possible for them to see clearly. This sheds light on why it has been said that human beings see with their brains, not their eyes. If what is going on for them wasn’t blocked out, there is a strong chance that their conscious mind would be flooded with inner material. The outcome of this is that it would be a lot harder for them to keep it together and function. Hidden If they are not consciously aware of how they have turned their back on themselves, they are unlikely to have a very fulfilling life. For example, they can have a job that is anything but fulfilling, relationships that are not very life-affirming, and they might have a strong inner critic. When it comes to what they do for a living, they could work somewhere where they are not valued or appreciated. They might want to leave when they are there and dread going back when they are not. The Other Parts As for their relationships, they might have a number of people in their life who are not very loving and supportive. In general, they might be put down and treated like they are nothing. If they have a strong inner critic, it is likely to be normal for them to feel down and bad about themselves. Consequently, it could often be difficult for them to get out of bed each down and they could have very little if any motivation. Self-Reflection After a while, they could end up taking a step back and wondering why their life is this way. If they were to do this, they could believe that this is just what life is like and that there is very little that they can do. Thus, it won’t occur to them that what is going on for them internally is playing a big part in why their life is this way. Ultimately, they won’t value or love themselves, so how they experience life will feel comfortable to a big part of them. Going Deeper If they were to take a closer look at what is going on and become aware of how they feel about themselves, how they experience life will start to make sense. They will see that, due to how they feel, they have turned their back on themselves. The situations and circumstances that they find themselves in will then be a reflection of how they feel about themselves. After seeing this, they could wonder why they feel this way. A Closer Look What this is likely to show is that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when their mother and perhaps their father were unable to provide them with the love that they needed. Being neglected, put down and even physically harmed would then have been the norm. This would have deprived and deeply wounded them, which would have stopped them from being able to grow and develop in the right way. The Impact To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their developmental needs. Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. In reality, their mother and perhaps their father were unable to give them what they needed because of their own issues. Yet, as they were unable to see this, they would have been rejected and this would have caused them to reject themselves. A Battle But, although they were unable to accept and love them, they themselves would have struggled to be accepted and loved by them. Most likely, this would have involved them losing touch with parts of them and becoming someone else, in the hope that this would allow them to receive what they needed. Many, many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but, their unmet developmental need to be accepted and loved by their mother and perhaps their father won’t have disappeared. These unmet needs will cause them to unconsciously re-create situations that are very similar to how it was for them very early on. Drawing the line For them to no longer turn their back on themselves and accept themselves, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to spend most of their time doing things. Therefore, they will rarely if ever take the time to relax and recharge.
But, if this was pointed out to them, it doesn’t mean that they would be able to accept this. For example, they could say that life is too short to simply sit around and that it is to be lived. Two Options If so, it will be as if they do things and make the most of life or they sit on the sidelines and waste the life that they have been given. And, as they are likely to live in a society that is filled with people who also live in the same way, there can be no reason for them to question why they are this way. In fact, they can receive a lot of positive feedback from others, with them often being seen as a role model. In this society, being extremely driven is likely to typically be seen as a sign of having high self-esteem. One Area Due to how driven they are, they might have been able to achieve a certain level of success. So, they could be doing very well in their career and this may mean that they have a big house and an expensive car, for instance. If this is the case, they can be seen as being successful in the eyes of some people. When it comes to the people who do see them in this way, they are likely to believe that success relates to having a lot of money and certain material objects. Another Reality On the other hand, although they spend a lot of time doing things, they might not be overly successful. Thus, they won’t have a lot to show for all the work that they have put in over the years. As a result of this, they probably won’t receive a lot of positive feedback from others or be seen as successful. They could be used to being in the background in life and even be seen as someone who doesn’t do much. What’s going on? Now, when someone is more or less always on the go, regardless of whether they are or are not successful, it can show that they are running away from themselves. If, then, they were to slow down and take the time to just be from time to time, they might end up coming into contact with a lot of pain. But, as they have behaved in this way for however long and they are likely to be surrounded by people who also spend a lot of time in doing mode, they are unlikely to realise this. What this illustrates is that there is more to their behaviour than meets the eye. Going Deeper If, for whatever reason, they were no longer able to behave in this way and started to slow down, what they might soon find is that they feel very uncomfortable. This can be a time when they will feel anxious and fearful. Below this, can be guilt and shame. At this point, they might wonder why not doing anything causes them to have this inner experience. A Closer Look What this can show is that they don’t believe that they have the right to exist, and, by being on the go and doing things, they are trying to earn this right. Yet, if this is what is going on for them at a deeper level, it won’t matter what they do or achieve. To use an analogy, it will be as though they are stuck on a treadmill that they are unable to get off. With this in mind, being on the go will keep how they feel at bay but it won’t remove these feelings and transform their inner world. Why Is This? They could come to the conclusion that it is strange that they feel this way as they have as much right as anyone else to be here. As strange as it might appear to be, if they were to go back in time to when they were a child and before, what is going on for them might soon make sense. Their formative years may have been a time when they were generally not loved and cherished by their mother and perhaps their father. Instead, they may have often been criticised, ignored, rejected, and abandoned. The Outcome Being treated in this way would have deprived and wounded them and, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their mother and perhaps their father were unable to love them; it was that there was something inherently wrong with them. They would then have experienced a physical birth but not an emotional birth – their sense of self would have stayed in an underdeveloped state. The truth is that they deserve to be here and don’t need to earn the right to exist. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotional Self: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Lose Touch With Their Emotional Self?19/2/2024
What someone may see, if they were to step back and reflect on how they experience life, is that they don’t have a strong connection with their feelings. They could find that, in general, they are not aware of how they feel.
This is likely to show that they spend most of their life living in their head and don’t have a strong connection with their body. The reason for this is that, it is by being connected to their body, that they will be able to connect to how they feel. One Outcome By being this way, their intellect is likely to be what directs their life. Along with the guidance that this part provides them, they can look towards others. Naturally, this is going to put a lot of pressure on this small part of them. But, if this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, there will be no need for them to believe that there is anything abnormal about living in this way. Another outcome Being this way can also make it hard for them to feel connected to others and form deeper relationships. What this comes down to is that it is their emotional self, not their mental self that allows this to take place. Of course, a mental connection will play a part in developing a bond with another but this connection won’t be as deep as it would be if there was also an emotional connection. Therefore, even if they do have a number of friends, they might not feel overly close to them. One More If they are in a romantic relationship, being this way could make it hard for them to feel close to their partner. Another part of this is that their partner could often wonder how they feel about them. Alternatively, if they have been in a relationship in the past, this may be something that they have experienced. If they did, they might have wondered why they were this way and even been hard on themselves. Another Element Now, although they won’t have a strong connection with their emotional self, what is going on at this level is still going to have an impact on them. For example, what they can find is that their mind is often busy. They can then often suffer from racing thoughts and often find it hard to sleep at night. Furthermore, they can often be in a very low state, with them feeling depressed. A Sign What this is likely to show is that they are carrying a build-up of emotional pain. But, as they don’t have a strong connection with this part of them, it is not possible for this pain to reach them directly. Due to this, it ends up reaching them indirectly by putting a lot of pressure on their conscious mind, and this part then produces a lot of mental activity. Yet, without this understanding, it is likely to seem as though their mind is just playing up. What’s going on? At this point, they can wonder why they don’t have a strong connection with this part of them. What this can show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they missed out on the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. They may have been physically harmed and/or neglected by their mother and perhaps their father, for instance. But, regardless of what took place, this would have been a stage of their life when they were wounded and deeply deprived. One option To handle what was going on and not be completely overwhelmed, they would have had to lose touch with their feelings and a number of their needs. Ultimately, it would have been too painful for them to feel. Their brain would have ended up ‘wiring’ in such a way as to weaken their connection with this part of them. As they were powerless and dependent, they were unable to do anything about what was going on, so they were forced to adapt. The Fall Out They would then have been embodied but thanks to what was going on, they become disembodied. The pain that they experienced, and their unmet developmental needs, will have been repressed and will be held inside their unconscious mind. Not only this but their emotional self will be frozen in time. No matter how developed their intellect is, then, this other part of them will have been left behind. The Next Stage For them to become embodied and integrate their emotional self, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is something that will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to ignore a number of their needs and to focus on others. But, if this is just what is normal, it might not be something that they are consciously aware of.
Consequently, they will be neglecting themselves but this is not going to be something that will stand out. Still, although this will be the case, they could be used to receiving a lot of positive feedback from others. One Experience For example, some of the people in their life could say that they are selfless and are always there for them when they need them. As far as these people are concerned, then, they will be living in the right way. The positive feedback that they receive from them is likely to do at least two things. First, it is likely to have a positive effect on their wellbeing, and second, it is likely to help to keep their true feelings at bay. A Build-Up And, as they are ignoring a number of their needs, they are likely to be carrying a lot of pain. This pain will be there to let them know that their needs are not being met and that they need to do something about it. What can also take place to allow them to keep their pain at bay is that they can often be in a collapsed emotional state. By being in a depressed state, they won’t come into contact with how they feel. Just the Basics When it comes to the needs that they do meet, it can relate to their survival needs. So, they can make sure that they eat, sleep and have the right clothing to wear but that could be about as far as it typically goes. Then again, they might often skip meals or not eat enough, not get enough sleep and not have the right clothes to wear. This will allow them to survive but it won’t allow them to thrive. The Other Side Their need to relax and recharge, have fun, play, experience affection, and warmth, for instance, can generally be overlooked. At this point, it might seem strange as to how they could be out of touch with a number of their needs and not even be aware of this. However, if what took place during their formative years is taken into account, it is likely to soon make sense. This may have been a stage of their life that was like an emotional desert, with their being very little love available. The outcome Having a mother and perhaps a father who were unable to provide them with the love that they needed would have deprived and deeply wounded them. To handle what was going on, they would have gradually disconnected from their needs and feelings, and this material would have ended up being held in their unconscious mind. Over time, this would have caused them to lose touch with their body and live in their head. Not only would it have been painful for them to express their needs and not have them met, but it would have been painful for them to be in touch with their needs. One option Becoming someone who was not in touch with a number of their needs and feelings would have made it easier for them to live in an environment where there wasn’t much on offer. Their priority at this stage of their life was to survive and, thus, how this would affect them as an adult was irrelevant. The needs that were not met and ended up being held in their unconscious mind wouldn’t have lied dormant, though; these needs would have continued to influence their behaviour. From outside of their conscious awareness, these needs will have played a part in why they focused on their mother’s and perhaps their father’s needs. Outer Directed Ergo, while they would have become alienated from their inner world, they would have become attuned to the needs of others. Deep down, they would have believed that if they became who they wanted, were there for them and did what they wanted, their needs would finally be met. Instead of having their developmental needs met on a regular basis if at all, they would have lived in the hope that they would be met. But, as their mother and perhaps their father wouldn’t have been able to provide them with the love that they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. Avoidance However, if they had faced reality and seen their mother and perhaps their father clearly, it would have been too much for them to handle. They had to deceive themselves. Along with being forced to live on the surface of themselves, how they were treated, as they were egocentric, would have caused them to believe that there was something inherently wrong with their needs. This would have played a part in them hiding their needs and hoping that they would be met. Drawing the line The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with their needs or their essence. How they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for their mother and perhaps their father. In all likelihood, their mother and perhaps their father were also deprived during their formative years, and this is why they were unable to love them. To be able to accept this, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even if someone feels worthless and unlovable, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. But, if this is not something that they are aware of, what is going on for them is still going to have an impact on their life.
It is likely to influence how they perceive reality, how they behave, and what they do and don’t experience. Most likely, they won’t live a life that is very fulfilling; in fact, it could be a miserable existence. One Area When it comes to their inner world, they could spend a lot of time feeling low and even depressed. If so, this can be a time when they will struggle to do anything and could end up delaying a lot of things that need to be taken care of. Moreover, they could experience a fair amount of self-doubt and often talk themselves out of doing things. Offers to go out and see friends could often be turned down, too. Another Area As for what they do for a living, they could have a job that is soul-destroying. The people that they work with might not be very pleasant either. But, although they won’t enjoy working there, they might not speak up or look for somewhere else to work. They are then just going to tolerate what is going on and suffer in the process. One More If they are in a romantic relationship, they might not be with someone who treats them very well. Then again, they could be with someone who does treat them well but they might not feel comfortable with how they are treated. For example, they could wonder why their partner is with them and often think about how they are likely to leave them before long. As a result, they could end up unconsciously doing something to push them away. Stepping Back If they were to end up stepping back and thinking about their life, what might gradually enter their mind is that they don’t feel valuable or lovable. They are then not going to be worthy of having what they need and want and they won’t be able to accept that anyone can love them. If they were to share what is going for them with a trusted friend or family member, for instance, they could be told that how they feel and see themselves is not the truth. But, even if they are told this, a big part of them is unlikely to be able to accept this. Going Deeper The reason why they are this way can be due to what took place during their formative years. At this stage of their life, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for them. A number of their needs would then have seldom if ever been met and this would have deprived and wounded them. These needs and the pain that they experienced by not having them met would have ended up being repressed by their brain. The Meaning The other part of this is that as they were egocentric and their brain was underdeveloped, they would have personalised what took place. Thus, they would have come to believe that they were worthless, unlovable and that their needs were bad, amongst other things. In reality, how they were treated had nothing to do with how worthy and lovable they were; it was a reflection of what was going on for their mother and perhaps their father. Ultimately, they were simply unable to provide them with what they needed. Shinning the Light Most likely, they had also been deprived during their formative years and were not in a position to truly be there for them. With this in mind, as accurate as how they see themselves will seem to be, it doesn’t reflect the truth. It is an outlook that was formed based on how one or two people, who were likely to be deeply wounded, treated them. For them to change how they see themselves, it will be important for them to no longer see their parent or parents as god-like figures that were perfect. A Key Part Deconstructing their view of them and seeing them in a more balanced way, will play a part in them gradually being able to accept that how they were treated by them was a reflection of their own issues. If this doesn’t take place and they continue to maintain an elevated view of them, how they treated them will continue to be seen as a reflection of their worth and lovability. Along with questioning their view of them and seeing them for who they were, they will have pain to face and work through and unmet development needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Early Deprivation: What Expectations Can Someone Have If They Experienced Early Deprivation?16/2/2024
It is often said that someone shouldn’t have any expectations. One of the reasons that is put forward is that, by having them, they are likely to end up being let down.
However, even if someone is able to arrive at a place where they no longer expect anything, it doesn’t mean that they won’t expect anything. This might sound like a contradiction but, what it comes down to is that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. A Closer Look Therefore, even if they no longer consciously expect anything, they can still expect a lot at an unconscious level. To take a step back, while it might sound like a good idea for them to not have any expectations, they are likely to find that arriving at this place is not easy. Yet, even to arrive at a place where they have moments when they are free from any expectations will be an achievement. This can be seen as something that is far more realistic than completely letting go of them. Two Levels Now, when it comes to the expectations that they are not aware of, these will have an effect on how they experience life. But, as they are outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t be aware of this. Thanks to the impact that these expectations have, they can conclude that they are unlucky and/or are being punished by someone or something ‘out there’. This can mean that one or a number of areas of their life are not going well. The Reason At this point, they might wonder how their expectations could have an impact on how they experience life. If they have heard that having expectations is a waste of time as it generally leads to disappointment, this is to be expected. It will be as though what is taking place inside them has no impact on what takes place externally, with them being nothing more than an observer of reality. But, as they are not simply an observer of reality and this is an illusion that their disconnected mind creates, what is going on within them impacts their reality. Going Deeper The expectations that they have at this level will largely be the result of what took place during their formative years. And, if this was a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, this is likely to mean that they will have a number of ‘negative’ expectations. Many, many years will have passed and their conscious mind will have forgotten about most if not all of these expectations but they will have continued to shape their reality. What they expect to happen will relate to what did happen when they were a child. Back In Time Assuming that they had a childhood that was anything but nurturing, both their mother and their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, their mother and/or father may have been verbally and physically abusive. Not receiving the love that they needed would have wounded and deeply deprived them. The pain that they experienced and the needs that were not met would have ended up being repressed by their brain. Another Part Moreover, there will be the beliefs and expectations that they formed as a result of what took place. How they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability, but, as they were egocentric and their brain was underdeveloped, what took place would have been personalised. If this wasn’t the case, they wouldn’t have developed beliefs that relate to them not being enough, among other things. They would have also been able to see that there was no need for them to develop expectations based on how their mother and/or father treated them. For Example When it comes to the expectations that they formed, they may find that they have some, if not all of the following:
A Replay Although these expectations will be a reflection of how it was for them as a child and not how it has to be for them as an adult, their unconscious mind won’t realise this. To this part of them, these expectations will continue to reflect reality. This is because this part of them has no sense of time and is blind. They will then expect to have the same experiences and as this part of them is completely convinced that they will, they will continue to have the same experiences. Drawing the Line For them to no longer recreate their early experience, they will need to become aware of and question what they expect. The other part of this will be for them to face and work through the pain that they experienced and experience their unmet developmental needs. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what they might see is that they don’t have a very ‘positive’ view of themselves. So, they can believe that no one likes them, are worthless, are a burden, are unlovable and are incapable, for instance.
What could enter their mind is that seeing themselves in this way is holding them back and stopping them from living a life that is worth living. They could be at the point where they have had enough of watching life pass them by and desperately want to live a life that is fulfilling. The Next Step If they were to search for information online, what they could soon learn is that they have a ‘negative’ mindset. Therefore, for their life to change, it will be necessary for them to develop a ‘positive’ mindset. They can be told that, for this to take place, they will need to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and beliefs. Solely focusing on what is going on up top, in their mind, will then be what will allow them to gradually experience life differently. Another Step This will be a time when they will be questioning their ‘negative’ and ‘irrational’ beliefs and replacing the thoughts that are not serving them with ones that will. After doing this for a while, they can find that their view of themselves starts to change. They could soon be amazed by how they are treated and what they achieve. Moreover, some of the people in their life could end up talking about how different they are and how well they are doing. Another Outcome Then again, this approach might not work, or if it does, it might not last for very long. When it comes to the former, they could conclude that they just need to keep going and, before long, it will work. And, when it comes to the latter, they could believe that they also just need to keep going and not give up. In both of these cases, it could show that they just need to hang in there or it could be a sign that they need to try another approach entirely. A Closer Look The approach that they have been applying is based on the view that they begin and end with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves. Thus, what is taking place in this part of them is going to be the only issue. Moreover, what they have experienced in the past won’t be taken into account, which is why what is going on for them is seen as being ‘negative’ and ‘irrational’. The here and now will be the only thing that matters. Another Angle But, although it may seem as though they begin and end with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves, this is not the truth. Along with this part of them, they also have an unconscious mind. This part of them is hidden but it has an impact on what takes place in their conscious mind and how they perceive reality. Not only this but what has not been resolved from their past is held in this part of them. The Bigger picture With this in mind, the view that how someone sees themselves is purely based on what is taking place in their mind is not true. It is a surface-level understanding that doesn’t take into account the fact that their frontal cortex is just one part of their brain. In addition to the thinking part of them, there is the feeling and instinctual part of them. Now, one thing that can cause someone to live in their head and be out of touch with their body and, therefore, their feelings and instincts, is trauma. The Outcome After having experienced trauma very early on, it can be normal for them to live in their head as an adult and be out of touch with how they feel. But, if this is just what is normal, there will be no reason for them to be aware of what is going on. The other part of this is that when a society is full of people who are also in a traumatised and disconnected state, it is naturally going to lead to a very mind-centric and disembodied outlook when it comes to mental health. Thoughts and beliefs are then the focus and feelings and instinctual responses are overlooked. Going Deeper Considering this, as their mind won’t be very supportive, it is likely to show that they are carrying material outside of their conscious awareness that is holding them back. This can be a sign that their early years were not very nurturing. During this stage of their life, their mother and/or father might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for them. Consequently, this would have deprived and deeply wounded them. A Big Impact As they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. This would have caused them to believe that they were worthless, incapable, unlovable and a burden, for instance. There would have also been the pain that they experienced and the developmental needs that were not met. This pain and these needs would have ended up being repressed by their brain to allow them to keep it together and function, with them gradually being pushed out of their body in the process. The Tip of The Iceberg Their ‘negative’ mindset will reflect how things were for them and a big part of them will be anchored to this stage of their life. It will then be more accurate to say that their mindset is showing them what they need to resolve inside themselves, not that they merely have beliefs and thoughts to change. Ergo, only focusing on what is taking place in their mind, even if this approach does allow them to develop a ‘positive’ mindset, won’t deal with the root of the issue. At best, it will only cover up what is really going on for them and the pain and unmet developmental needs inside them won’t disappear. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they have the tendency to eat when they are emotionally unsettled. This can be something that takes place every now and then.
Alternatively, this could take place a few times a week or it might be more often. Either way, this is likely to be something that they want to put to an end, due to the pain that it is causing them. A Common Occurrence So, when they are feeling unsettled, they could soon reach out for something to eat. There could be a certain food item that they like to eat or there could be a number of items. Furthermore, they might generally eat something or a number of things that are not very healthy, or this might not be the case. And, regardless of what they eat, it might have a big impact on their appearance or it might not. Two Sides If it does, they can carry a lot of weight and this can be something that has a negative effect on how they feel about themselves. Consequently, not only can they feel bad after they have eaten but they will feel bad about the impact that it is having on their appearance and health. On the other hand, if it doesn’t, they can feel bad about what they have eaten and bad about what it is doing to their body. They can know that although they are not putting on a lot of weight, it is still not good for their health. A Closer Look Now, if they were to take a look at what is going on for them before they reach out for something to eat, they could find that they usually feel sad, lonely and empty. They are then going to need to connect to another person and be supported. If they were to go deeper, they could find that they feel unloved and worthless, for instance. But, instead of reaching out to another person, they end up reaching out for food instead. An Automatic Process Still, this is not to say that they typically think, “I feel down and I need to eat something to feel better”. This can be something that largely takes place without them consciously thinking about it. If so, how they feel and what they actually need is going to be a mystery in most cases. What this illustrates is how much of an effect their unconscious mind has on how they behave and how they don’t need to be aware of a need for it to impact their life. Nothing New If they were to think about how long they behaved in this way, they could find that they have been this way for many years. They may even find that they used to eat to feel better during their childhood. If this is the case, they could be very angry about what is going on and with themselves for not being able to change their behaviour. But, if they are, what they can keep in mind is that they have been doing the best that they can and that they deserve their compassion. What’s going on? Assuming that they have been this way for a very long time, there is a chance that their early years played a big part in why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life when they were deprived and deeply wounded. Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them. It would then have been normal for them to not be seen and heard and to be rejected and abandoned. Out of reach Not being able to attach to and bond with their mother and perhaps their father, then, would have meant that a number of their developmental mental needs were rarely if ever met. They would have had to lose touch with these needs. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that there was something wrong with them and their needs. In reality, their mother and perhaps their father were also likely to have had a very similar childhood and, thus, were unable to provide them with the love that they needed. The Fall Out Of course, this stage of their life will be over, but they will be carrying a lot of pain, unmet developmental needs, and still see their needs as being bad. Thanks to a big part of them being anchored to their past, they won’t feel comfortable reaching out to another person and even if they do, they are likely to expect to be criticised, rejected, and even harmed. Yet, when they reach out for food, they are not going to be criticised, rejected, or harmed. They are also not going to feel unworthy of having food, which is why this will be something that feels comfortable to a big part of them. The Truth Taking this into account, purely focusing on what they eat and trying to control themselves is not going to get to the root of what is going on. For them to truly change, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. Along with this, they will need to develop a new relationship with their needs. Having needs is part of being an interdependent human being, so their needs are not bad or shameful. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone didn’t have at least one parent who was able to see them as a separate individual who had their own needs and feelings, and generally attuned to them and met their needs, they might not be aware of this. Now that they are an adult, they might not be able to remember a great deal about what took place during this stage of their life.
However, if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this stage of their life is well and truly behind them. Instead, the impact that it had on them can be preventing them from being able to live a life that is worth living. A Continuation As a result of this, their adult life is likely to have a lot in common with how it was for them as a child. But, as they won’t be able to remember a great deal, it won’t be possible for them to join the dots, so to speak. If they were able to go back in time and re-experience one of the days that they had as a child, though, they might soon see how similar their adult life is and realise why it is the way that it is. At this point, it might seem strange why they wouldn’t be able to see what is going on. Blocked Out But, as strange as this may seem, there is a good reason why they are this way. Their brain will have blocked out most if not all of what took place to allow them to keep it together and function. It is then not doing what it can to stop them from waking up and seeing what is going on; it is doing what it can to protect them. What this comes down to is that if the memories and pain that goes with it was to break through into their conscious awareness, their ability to keep it together and function would be greatly undermined. The main Concern This shows that their brain’s main priority is to keep them alive; it is not to help them ‘wake up’. The downside of this, of course, is that this is causing them to endlessly replay their past and continually suffer. They will then have generally been deprived of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way as a child, and, now that they are an adult, they are going to continue to be deprived. But, as they are not connected to this stage of their life, they could simply believe that they have no control and are powerless, and even that someone or something ‘out there’ is punishing them. A Closer Look When it comes to their inner experience, they could typically experience a lot of ‘negative’ thoughts and feelings. So, they could often feel frustrated, angry, enraged, helpless, hopeless, worthless, invisible, rejected, unloved, not good enough, and unwanted. Just about every area of their life might not be very fulfilling, either. If they were to reflect on the thoughts and feelings that they often experience, they could believe that their inner world would change if what was going on externally was different. One Area When it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something soul-destroying. Not only this but they could be used to being treated badly and as though they have no value. What they say might often be ignored and it could be normal for them to be talked over. If so, they are likely to dread going to work and look forward to leaving when they are there. Another Area When they are with their friends - that’s if they have any - the experience that they have could be very similar to the one that they have when they are at work. Whenever they are with them, then, they could be in the background, rarely saying anything and seldom being heard when they do speak. Therefore, they are typically going to feel ignored, unseen and invisible when they are around these people. They could have the tendency to focus on other people’s needs and be out of touch with their own. A natural outcome Ultimately, as they didn’t receive the nutrients they needed during their formative years, they wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth. In other words, their physical self will have grown but their emotional self will be in an underdeveloped state. For both their outer, physical self to have grown and their inner, emotional self to have grown, they needed at least one parent who not only fed, clothed and gave them somewhere to live, but was able to acknowledge their existence and provide them with the mirroring that they needed. What their presence and love would have done is allowed them to develop a strong sense of self. The Opposite This would have allowed them to know, at the core of their being, that they deserved to exist, belonged, were enough, valuable, and lovable. As this didn’t take place, their sense of self wouldn’t have fully developed and they would have experienced a lot of pain. Throughout this stage of their life, they are likely to have often felt unwanted, helpless, hopeless, worthless, unloved, rejected, and abandoned. These feelings were a reflection of how they were being treated. The Truth Most likely, the parent or parents who were unable to see them and provide them with what they needed were also not seen during their formative years and were deprived. Due to how wounded and unaware they were, they repeated what was done to them. What this emphasises is that how they were treated was not a reflection of their value or lovability. Yet, for them to know this, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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