Child Abuse: Can Child Abuse Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Need For Human Contact?1/4/2023
If someone was to step back and reflect on their life, what might soon stand out is that they generally don’t feel the need to be around another or others. They could find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.
Therefore, they are likely to spend a lot of time by themselves and if they do end up spending time with another or others, it could be because someone reached out to them. What could enter their mind is that they enjoy their own company and don’t need others. External Feedback Over the years, they may have been asked if they enjoy living in this way and if they ever get lonely. Along with this, they may have been criticised and even seen as being a bit strange. This could be how some of their friends and family have seen them, and, if so, it will show that these people live in a different way. Furthermore, it will illustrate that some of these people are not very empathetic or understanding. Another part However, although living this way will be what feels comfortable, it doesn’t mean that they won’t have moments when they feel very low. For a while, they might have done their best to handle what is going on but, as time has passed, it could be harder for them to do this. This could be what will cause them to look into why they are experiencing life in this way and what they can do about it. In the beginning, they could conclude that they suffer from depression. One Route If this is what takes place, they could end up being put on some kind of medication and even meditating. After going down this path, they may find that they no longer feel as low but that they don’t feel great either. This might allow them to carry on as normal or they could find that they are unable to go back to how they were. Alternatively, they could look into why they are depressed and what they can do about it, as opposed to taking anything. Another Reason Now, after looking deeper into what is going on, they could find that they are missing out on the human contact that they need. What could stand out is that although they behave like an independent human being, they are an interdependent human being that needs others. Consequently, not spending much time around others will cause them to miss out on the nutrients that they need to be at their best. So, just as they need to eat and sleep, they will need to be around people that can attune to them. Resistance Still, even though this will be clear, they might not feel a strong urge to spend more time around others. A big part of them could want to carry on as they are and have no interest in spending more time around others. This will show that they are experiencing inner conflict and that they are not just going to be able to change their behaviour. To find out what is going on, they are going to need to go deeper inside themselves. A Closer Look If they were to imagine that they were to reach out to others, this could be a time when they will feel uncomfortable. They could soon feel the need to get away and be by themselves. At this point, they could wonder why something that should feel comfortable feels uncomfortable. What this may show is that their early years were not very nurturing and the information that would shed light on what this stage of their life was like is outside of their conscious awareness. Back In Time Throughout this period of their life, they may have been wounded in a variety of ways by one or both of their parents. They may have be physically harmed, verbally put down and neglected. Ultimately, they wouldn’t have been brought up in an environment where they felt safe, secure or loved. This would have deprived them of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. The Outcome But, as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was absolutely nothing that they could do about what was going on. Their only option was to adapt to what was going on and this would have involved them losing touch with a number of their needs and feelings and becoming disembodied. They would have been provided with a very dysfunctional model of what their fellow human beings are like, with how one or two people behaved being seen as how everyone would behave. What took place would have also stopped them from developing a felt sense of trust in others. A Brutal Time This stage of their life would have caused them to experience a lot of pain and losing touch with their body would have been a way for them to handle what was going on. For them to reconnect to their need for human contact and feel comfortable being around others, they will probably need to work through this pain. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
0 Comments
Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Believe That Their Existence Is A Burden?31/3/2023
Even though someone will have the right to be here and have needs, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this at the core of their being. As a result of this, they can see both themselves and their needs as a burden.
However, this could be something that is outside their awareness, which means that they won’t be consciously aware of this. But, if this is the case, what is going on deep down is still going to have a big impact on their life. Super Independent So, what can be normal is for them to try to do just about everything by themselves. They could tell themselves, and others, that they don’t need others and even criticise those that do reach out to others. Being this way could fill them with pride and there could be moments when they see themselves as being better than others. Still, as they are an interdependent human being that needs others, being this way is going to cause them to suffer in one way or another. One outcome Every now and then, they could feel very low and find it hard to do just about anything. Due to this, they could end up coming to the conclusion that they suffer from depression. But, even if they do come to this conclusion, they might not tell anyone about it or reach out for support. Instead, they could simply avoid what is going on for them by consuming something or engaging in an activity. A Heavy Weight Naturally, living in this way is going to cause them to experience a lot of pressure. If they were not an interdependent human being, living in this way wouldn’t be an issue. Sooner or later, they could get to the point where they are no longer able to behave in this way and hit rock bottom. It is at this stage that they could end up wondering why they try to do so much by themselves and don’t reach out. An Exercise If they were to imagine reaching out to another and expressing a need or sharing how they feel, they could end up feeling deeply uncomfortable. This could be a time when they will feel the need to go back to how they were before. By staying with this, though, they could find that they feel ashamed of their needs and feelings. They could also expect the other person to be critical or reject them and end up walking away. Not a Surprise With this in mind, it is going to be clear why they have hidden their needs and acted needless. What should feel comfortable is going to be seen as something that will cause them to be cast aside and die. As expressing their needs and feelings are seen as something that is a big risk, then, there is going to be no reason for them to act like an interdependent human being. Ultimately, they will be experiencing inner conflict and this will make their life far harder than it needs to be. What’s going on? If they were to open up to another about what is going on, they could be told that there is nothing wrong with their needs and feelings and that they need to accept this. This could be someone who feels comfortable expressing their needs and how they feel to their friends and family. They might agree with them but it might not be possible for them to just accept this. A big part of them is going to feel comfortable acting needless and they won’t just be able to let go do this part of themselves. Going Deeper If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when one of both of their parents was unable to truly be there for them and provide them with the love that they needed. Due to the issues that one or both of their parents had, they might have seen one’s needs as a problem. Thus, whenever they expressed a need, they might have ended up being disapproved of, rejected and even abandoned. A Painful Time Before long, they would have ended up disconnecting from a number of their needs and feelings. This would have stopped them from being able to be a whole human being but it would have also stopped them from being overwhelmed with pain. Their true self would have gone into hiding and they would have created a disconnected false self. Not being needy or asking for much would have allowed them to please their parent or parents and survive. The Truth There was nothing wrong with their needs at this stage of their life and there is nothing wrong with them now. They deserve to be here and to have people in their life who can be there for them. For them to know this, at the core of their being, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After trying to get through to one of the parents or the parent that abused them for quite some time and not getting very far, it might be clear that they are wasting their time. This could be something that they have been doing for a number of months, if not years.
But, no matter how hard they have tried or what they have done, they won’t have been able to make any headway. When they think about how it has been, it could be as if they have been trying to get blood out of a stone. The same old story At this point, they could believe that it would take a miracle for them to be able to be truly heard by this parent and for them to be able to express remorse. They could find it strange that their parent is unable to be there for them. Then again, if this parent wasn’t truly there for them when they were growing up, they could believe that they are being naive to expect them to behave differently. But, while this may be the case, they could struggle to understand why their parent can’t face reality. External Support In addition to what they can remember about their early years, there could be numerous others that back up their early experiences. Other family members and friends, then, will validate what they went through. Yet, if they have mentioned this to their parent, it doesn’t mean that it had much of an impact. Once again, they could deny what they have to say and make out that they, and everyone else, are wrong. A Different Experience This parent may have said that they were a good mother/father. They could also say that they did so much for them and gave them so much, for instance. There could also be a number of family friends that agree with what their parent has to say. But, if their parent usually displayed a different side of themselves around others, is this really going to be a surprise? Two Sides There is a chance that when their parent was around them and other family members, they acted like a tyrant, and, when they were around others, they might have been very charming. Thanks to this, those that say that their parent was good to them, for instance, won’t have a balanced view of them. Ultimately, they will have seen one side of them; a side that was radically different to another side of them. However, if these people are attached to this idea that they have formed of one’s parent, they might not be willing to accept that this was not the only side they had. Going Deeper The side that one’s parent often displayed around others, and perhaps still does, is likely to relate to the self that their parent identified with. In other words, this parent will have had a view of themselves that was disconnected from reality. Therefore, they were not someone that was an imperfect human being who had traits that were both ‘good’ and ‘bad’; no, they were perfect. This would have stopped them from being able to have a balanced view of themselves and being able to face reality. Self-Alienation Even though they were a human being, then, they would have acted as though they were a god. They would then have been able to cause harm and still maintained their lopsided view of themselves. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but, their parent will still have a view of themselves that doesn’t match up with reality. This is why they won’t be able to acknowledge that they themselves were abusive as it will go against their elevated view of themselves. What’s going on? When it comes to why they would be this way, it is highly likely that they were also abused during their formative years. If so, this would have been a time when they felt totally worthless and unlovable. To handle this pain, they would have automatically created a disconnected false self. They would then have gone from someone that felt less than others, to someone that saw themselves as being more than others. A Defence To keep how they really feel at bay, they will need to block out reality. If they were to accept that they were abusive and that they are not perfect, they would soon come into contact with how they feel. The outcome of this is that they would go from being very high up, to falling into a very deep emotional hole. What this illustrates is that their inability to face reality is not a way for them to cause harm; it is a way for them to unknowingly keep it together and function. Awareness If someone is in this position and they want to let go of their need to have what they went through acknowledged by their unavailable parent, they may have a lot of pain to work through. To do this, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Having needs is part of the human experience but that doesn’t mean that everyone feels comfortable with their needs. When someone is in this position, it is likely to be normal for them to overlook their own needs.
In fact, they might not even be aware of most of their needs and so they are unlikely to realise that they are neglecting themselves. In general, then, they will be there for others and do what they can to meet their needs. Positive Feedback Yet, although they will be abandoning themselves, they can typically receive approval from others, with them being seen as a ‘good’ person, for instance. They can also often be described as ‘selfless’ and as an example to follow. This could show that they live in a society where someone is either seen as being selfish or selfless. There is then going to be no middle ground, there will only be two extremes. A Big Plus Receiving this feedback is likely to have a positive impact on their well-being but it is unlikely to stop them from experiencing ‘negative’ feelings. Not being there for themselves is likely to cause them to often feel angry and frustrated and to often feel totally drained. Yet, they could typically cover up how they feel, with this internal feedback being both suppressed and repressed. If they do pay attention to what is actually going on for them, they could come to the conclusion that they suffer from depression. A Cover Up After this, they could end up being put on medication and soon find that they are able to carry on as before. Ultimately, the feedback inside them will be there to let them know that they are living in the wrong way. It is then not that they just feel down for no reason; is that they feel down because they are out of alignment with themselves. Sooner or later, something could happen that will shake them up and allow them to gradually see clearly. Stepping Back At this point, they could wonder why they are not there for themselves and are so focused on others. Even so, if they were to think about what it is that they need, they might struggle to connect to their needs. The same thing could occur if they were to try to connect to their feelings. This will illustrate that they don’t have a very strong connection with their body but, if they have spent years both suppressing and repressing their needs and feelings, this is not a surprise. The Next Stage Now, assuming that they were to start to reconnect to their body and slowly became aware of their needs and feelings, they might not be able to just start taking care of their needs and listening to how they feel. Just thinking about changing how they behave could cause them to feel guilty and ashamed. Additionally, they could feel very anxious and even fearful. Based on how they feel, it will be clear that putting themselves first is seen as something that is bad and a threat to their very survival. A Confusing Scenario If this is how they have been for most of their life, it is highly likely that their early years were anything but nurturing. This may have been a time when they were brought up by at least one parent who was unable to provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Throughout this stage of their life, this parent might have generally used them to meet their own needs. They might not have been able to accept that their child was a separate being who had their own needs and feelings. A Possession Irrespective of what their motives were for having a child, once this child was born, it would have been seen as having one purpose – to fulfil their parent’s needs. And, if they expressed their needs during this time, they might have soon been disapproved of, punished and/or rejected and abandoned. This would have sent them the message that their needs were bad and expressing them would cause them to be isolated. Naturally, as they were powerless and dependent, they would have had to adapt to what one was going. The outcome This would have involved them losing touch with their needs and feelings, so their true self and creating a disconnected false self. The priority of this false self would have been to please their parents. A stage of their life, then, when they desperately needed to receive love was a time when they had to be there for their parent. A parent who was likely to have been emotionally underdeveloped and felt like a child deep down. The past repeats itself What this shows is that someone doesn’t just grow out of their early deprivation; they have to face their own early wounds. When this doesn’t occur, it is not going to be much of a surprise if, when they have a child or children, they end up unconsciously turning their child or children into the parent or parents that they never had. The roles are then reversed and the next generation is forced to provide something that they are unable to truly provide. This can be seen as a type of abuse that is insidious as someone can grow up and believe that they were not abused, as they were not physically harmed (assuming that was the case). Drawing the line Taking this into account, it will be important for them to keep in mind that while they would have personalised what took place during their formative years, as they were egocentric, what took place was a reflection of how wounded their parent or parents were. The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with their needs and feelings. For them to know this, at the core of their being, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man, who is overly focused on his mother, was able to take a step back and reflect on his behaviour, he might wonder what he is doing. It could be only too clear that behaving in this way is not serving him.
But, although this will be an important stage in what will allow him to live his own life, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to draw the line with his mother. He could find that he still has the need to be there for her. Totally Powerless At this point, he could believe that she is in control of him and needs her permission in order to live his own life. This shows that he won’t have a sense of personal power or know that he is not responsible for his mother. As things stand, then, his life will be in his mother’s hands and he will be waiting for her to liberate him. However, when he is around his mother, he might swallow his words and not express his needs. No Way Through And, even if this is not the case, he may find that his mother doesn’t listen to what he has to say. Therefore, he will be waiting for someone that can’t acknowledge his existence to give him the all-clear before he can live his own life. Thanks to this, he can feel deeply frustrated and angry, along with feeling hopeless and helpless. His life will then continue to pass but there will be very little that he can do. A Strange Scenario Now, as he is not a man and not a boy, it can seem strange as to why he would be experiencing life in this way. He should realise that he doesn’t need his mother’s permission and that his life is in his hands. Yet, as he doesn’t realise this it shows that something is not right. Based on how he experiences life, it is likely to show that he is in an emotionally underdeveloped state and this is largely why he is not in his power. Deeply Deprived In all likelihood, he missed out on the emotional nutrients that he needed during his formative years. Throughout this stage of his life, his mother is likely to have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs. If so, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to see him as an individual who had his own needs and feelings. Instead, he would have been seen as an extension of her and was then there to serve her. Self-Alienation To handle this, he would have had to lose touch with a number of his needs and feelings and created a false self. The purpose of this false self would have been to please his mother and, thus, ensure his own survival. Many, many years will have passed since he was a boy, of course, but he will still be doing what he can to please her. Not only will his survival still be attached to her but he will still be trying to receive the love that he missed out on all those years ago. Submerged What this illustrates is that even though he lost touch with these needs, they will have continued to influence him. Deep down, then, even though he will now be a man and his mother will be a lot older, he will continue to see her as someone who can finally give him the love that he missed out on all those years ago. Nonetheless, what is clear is that if she was unable to love him all those years ago, she is unlikely to be able to love him now. But, even if she could love him now, he is no longer a boy, so it is too late for him to fulfil his unmet developmental needs. An Important Step For him to no longer look toward someone to give him what they are unable to give him, he will need to take back the mother that he is projecting into this mother. On the one hand, his mother will be his biological mother but, on another level, she won’t have acted like a mother as she wouldn’t have provided him with the nutrients that he needed to experience an emotional birth. If she had been, along with having an available father, he would no longer project the mother that he needed onto her and would be living his own life. To no longer project the mother that he needed onto his mother, he is likely to have a lot of pain to work through. Self-Liberation As he faces and works through his pain and experiences his unmet developmental needs, he will gradually phase out his need for a mother. What this will then do is make it easier for him to see his mother as she is, not as he wants her to be and this will lessen his compulsion to be there for her. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they find it hard to believe in themselves. By being this way, it is not going to matter if they are good at something as they won’t be able to accept it.
Along with this, if they have made a plan to do something, they could spend a lot of time wondering if it will work out. Ultimately, they simply won’t be able to accept that it will work out and, if it doesn’t, they will be able to handle it. One Consequence Naturally, being this way is going to make it hard for them to achieve their aims and move forward. Thanks to what is generally taking place inside them, then, they will struggle to feel as though they are enough and are ready. When it comes to their career, they could put in a lot of work, far more than they need to, and still question if they are ready to go to the next level, so to speak. And, if they are in a relationship, they could often wonder why their partner is with them and if they will soon leave them. Another Experience They could often come into contact with people that are full of confidence and don’t appear to carry any doubt whatsoever. One could wonder if these people have something that they themselves don’t have. At times, it might be clear that although someone like this is full of confidence and self-belief, there is no reason for them to be this way. The reason for this is that they might not know a great deal about something or have prepared properly. Left Behind They are then going to see other people move forward and they themselves will be watching their life pass them by. What could be clear is that if they were not so full of doubt, their life would be radically different. After coming to this conclusion, they could look back over the years and see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What could enter their mind is that they were born this way. A Benefit This is not to say that being this way will only cause them to suffer, though, as they may find that it has allowed them to be open-minded and to be fairly humble. If, on the other hand, they were full of self-belief, it would probably be harder for them to take in new information and to keep their feet on the ground. With this in mind, the ideal won’t be for them to not go from one side of the spectrum to the other; it will be for them to move into the middle of it. This way, they can have the belief that they need to achieve things but not be so closed off that they are unable to update their mind and stay grounded. What’s going on? Now, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. If so, this wouldn’t have been a time when they were built up; it would have been a time when they were undermined. One or both of their parents may have often criticised and humiliated them, finding fault with just about everything that they did. It would then have been normal for them to feel useless, incapable and worthless. The Other Side And, although this parent pulled them down, they themselves might have been full of confidence. If so, they would have come across as though they were perfect and knew everything, unlike their child, and any else for that matter, who was deeply flawed and had no idea. Based on what took place, this parent would have been at the top and their child would have been at the bottom. This will illustrate that it didn’t occur to this parent that it was their responsibility to encourage, support and love their child, not to destroy them. An Odd Scenario How this parent treated them is likely to have been a reflection of how they felt deep down but were unable to acknowledge. A part of themselves that they had rejected and repressed was then projected into their child. The image that this parent projected would then have been nothing more than a facade, with them feeling totally worthless and unlovable. Most likely, they were deeply wounded during their formative years and ended up automatically creating an inflated false self to cope. The Truth What this means is that how their parent treated them during this stage of their life was not personal; it was simply a reflection of how wounded they themselves were. The trouble is that as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, it would have been seen as a reflection of them. For them to gradually move on from this stage of their life and develop a healthy self of self-belief, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may hope, if they were abused as a child, is that their parent or parents will validate what they went through. This will then be a time when one or both of their parents will be able to both hear what they say and express remorse.
But, what they may soon find is that this doesn’t take place and that they end up hitting a brick wall, so to speak. So, after talking to one of their parents about what happened, what they said could end up being dismissed. An Odd Scenario If this is what takes place, they could struggle to understand why this parent has behaved in this way. Based on how they have behaved, it could be as though it was them, not their parent who actually caused harm. The reason for this is that they may have been criticised by this parent and accused of making things up. As a result of this, they would then have expected one thing and experienced something that was very different. An Analogy It will have been as if they had written an important letter and desperately wanted another person to read it. Instead, they would have given this letter to another and it would have ended up being thrown on the floor and stamped on. After this, they could feel very low and it could be as if they have done something wrong, with them feeling guilty and ashamed. In fact, they could now be in a very deep emotional hole. The Same Old Story However, while their parent’s response will hurt them, they may find that this is not a new experience. Throughout their early years, their reality may have largely been dismissed. In other words, their thoughts, feelings, needs and perceptions would have been ignored, with them being forced to go along with what this parent wanted. Consequently, they might come to the conclusion that they were naive to expect anything else. A Hardshell After they have tried to get through to their parent on a number of occasions, what might enter their mind is that it is like they are trying to break into a secure building. It simply won’t be possible for them to get through to their parent. This parent is then not going to be wearing armour but it will be as though they are wearing something that prevents anything from getting into their mind. If they are not aware of this already, they are likely to soon realise that they are going to have to let go of their need to be seen by their parent that is unable to do this. A Helping Hand With that aside for the time being, if their parent was able to do this, they would make it easier for them to move on from what happened. The validation and compassion that they could provide would be like water poured into a dry desert. This is not to say that this alone would allow them to heal but it would be a key part of it. Along with their parent’s validation and compassion, there would still be the pain that they would need to work through, among other things. Business as Usual Yet, this is not going to happen and, just as this parent deprived them of what they needed to grow and develop during their formative years, they will deprive them of what they want, but no longer need, to be able to move forward as an adult. At this point, they could wonder why this parent is so absent and unable to truly see them. They will be their parent’s child but due to how they behave, it will be as if they are a fly that is simply an annoyance. Most likely, this parent is not in a good way mentally or emotionally and could even be brain damaged. Going Deeper Behind their strong, defensive self is likely to be someone that is full of pain and feels totally worthless and unlovable. As to why this is the case, it is probably because they themselves were also abused during their formative years and deprived of the love that they need. To handle what took place, they would have automatically created a disconnected and inflated false self, losing touch with their humanity in the process. This would have caused them to become an unfeeling human being that was more-than-human, meaning that they lost touch with their shame. The outcome By being this way, if they were to acknowledge that they were abusive, they would end up coming into contact with how they really feel deep down, below their false self. This would be a time when they would fall into a very deep hole Therefore, their inability to acknowledge what took place is not a way for them to harm their child, it is a way for them to unknowingly keep it together and function. Ultimately, they have to deny anything that goes against their inflated view of themselves and live in a fantasy or else they would be in a very bad way. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Now that someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they will have their own life. No, practically their whole life could revolve around their parent or parents, with them behaving more like their parent than their child.
Naturally, if a lot of their time and energy is being directed towards their parent, assuming it is only one, their life is going to suffer. If they had an endless amount of time and energy, this wouldn’t be the case. A Way of Life But, although they will be neglecting themselves, this might not be something that they are aware of. Thanks to how long they have behaved in this way, then, it won’t stand out. Even so, behaving in this way is likely to cause them to experience a fair amount of anger and frustration. Still, they could do their best to keep this inner material at bay and carry on as normal. Too Much To Handle If they were to face how they feel and acknowledged that they feel this way because they are neglecting themselves, they could soon feel guilty and ashamed. Due to this, they could soon suppress how they feel. As a result of how painful these feelings will be and what they believe would happen if they were to change their behaviour, they will feel compelled to avoid how they feel. These feelings will be seen as a sign that they would be doing something wrong if they changed their behaviour. Weighed Down In reality, these feelings are irrational as they should be able to put themselves first without feeling guilty or ashamed. Focusing on their parent is going to have a negative impact on them, then, but if they felt comfortable with their needs, their life would be different. Their parent could also make out, both directly and indirectly, that they are responsible for them. This could mean that they are not grateful for what they do for them and simply expect them to be there for them. Control If they were to express a need, this parent could soon say something to try to make them feel guilty. This parent could say that they ‘don’t ask for much’ or that they ‘did a lot for them when they were younger’. Based on how they often behave, it could be as if they are unable to comprehend that they have needs let alone don’t care about their needs and are consumed by their own. Consequently, one may have experienced a lot of resentment over the years and this feeling, along with the other feelings that they have suppressed and repressed over the years, could cause them to often be in a depressed state. An Object What is clear from this is that their parent is unable to accept that they are a separate individual who has their own needs and feelings and life to lead. One is then going to be seen as nothing more than an extension of them. If this is so, the only way that they are going to be able to live a life that is worth living is if they take matters into their own hands. Their parent is too caught up with themselves to be able to see how dysfunctional their behaviour is and to be there for them. A Continuation However, as dysfunctional as their parent’s behaviour is, it is unlikely to be any different to how they behaved during one’s formative years. Most likely, this is how they behaved when one was a child. From a very young age, then, they would have been forced to be there for their parent and to abandon themselves. And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was absolutely nothing that they could do. Self-Alienation They would have had to disconnect from their needs and feelings and lose touch with their body in the process. Quite simply, it would have been too painful for them to be an embodied human being. Who they were, their true self, was not accepted by this parent and this is why they had to lose touch with themselves and developed a disconnected false self. This false self would have been focused on their parent’s needs and reflected the person who they wanted them to be – a needless human being. The Other Side As to why this parent couldn’t accept them as they were and provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, it was probably due to the fact they were also emotionally underdeveloped. Their physical and mental self would have grown but their emotional self wouldn’t have. During their formative years, their parent or parents were probably unable to give them the love that they needed. Therefore, they had to lose touch with themselves and give at a stage when they desperately needed to receive. Repeating The Past The years would then have passed, and they would have gone from a disconnected child to a disconnected adult, and, without realising it, turned their child into the parent that they never had. This will show that they were too wounded to be able to see how destructive their behaviour was. With this in mind, the reason one was deprived of what they needed was that their parent was also deprived and was unable to pass on what they hadn’t received. There was a blockage of love in their family line and this could go back many, many generations. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
One thing that someone could wonder, if they were abused as a child, is why one of their parents abused them but treated others differently. They could see that while this parent was not always pleasant to others, they were not abusive toward them.
Therefore, they might have had moments when they were rude, but they wouldn’t have physically harmed another or been verbally abusive, for instance. Naturally, as this parent had at least two very different sides, it will be hard for them to get their head around what took place. One Part And, when they think about this, one thing that could enter their mind is that this proves that they deserve to be treated badly. As, if they didn’t, this parent would have also treated them differently. If this is something that enters their mind, it will be a consequence of the fact that they were egocentric during their formative years. What took place was then seen as a sign that they were bad, worthless and unlovable; when in reality, it was a reflection of how wounded this parent was. Hard To Accept Due to how different this parent typically behaved around others, if they were open up about some of what took place to someone who was also around during this stage of their life, what they said could be dismissed. This person might not be able to accept what they say and could even criticise them. If so, instead of being validated and supported, it could be as if they are the ones who did something wrong. This can show that the other person is unable to accept that their view of this parent is wrong and needs to hold onto it in order to keep their painful feelings at bay. Behind Closed Doors Now, when this parent was in their company, they would have been in the company of someone that was totally defenceless. Additionally, they would have been powerless and totally dependent. Thanks to this, they wouldn’t have felt threatened by them nor had the need to behave in a certain way and there wouldn’t have been any consequences for their actions. As a result of this, the feelings that were generally kept at bay when they were around others would have had an impact on their behaviour. Out In the Open These are likely to have been feelings that they experienced during their formative years, with this being a stage of their life when they were abused by one or both of their parents. Expressing their anger, rage and hate at this stage of their life would have typically been too much of a risk. This is because they would have been defenceless and powerless and totally dependent. After the years had passed, they would have no longer been at the bottom, so to speak, they would have been at the top. Another Factor What would have also played a part, then, is that they would have unconsciously viewed their child as the parent or parents that abused them. Unlike before, this wouldn’t have been someone that was unable to fight back and hurt them. This would have allowed them to release tension and experience a sense of revenge. But, as their child was not the person who had abused them and treating this child badly wouldn’t allow them to deal with their own hurt, it would only be a temporary solution. It’s Always There What this illustrates is that although they would have repressed how they felt as a child, this pain wouldn’t have disappeared. It would have been waiting to be expressed and, by having a child or children, they would have ended up in a position where this pain was able to be expressed. Another part Along with unconsciously projecting their parent or parents onto their child, they would have also projected the rejected parts of themselves onto them. So, assuming that they themselves were seen as being worthless as a child, this part of them would have been projected into their child. By seeing this rejected part of them in their own child, they would have been able to criticise their child in the same way that they themselves were criticised. Ultimately, they would have gone from a victim to a perpetrator. The Truth Taking this into account, it shows that this abusive parent was unable to truly see their child. They were too busy dumping their own unacknowledged darkness onto them to be able to see their child’s essence and light. By facing what took place and dealing with their own wounds, they are drawing the line on what has probably been going on for many, many generations. What they are doing takes courage. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Existence: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Believe That They Don't Deserve To Exist?23/3/2023
If someone was to sit with themselves and was able to connect with how they really feel, what they may soon find is that they don’t feel as though they deserve to exist. As opposed to being worthy of being here, then, they will feel like an intruder.
After this, they could look into why this is and end up doing something about it. Then again, this could be something that is running outside of their conscious awareness and thus, it won’t be something that they are aware of and are able to do anything about. A Big Impact But, even if this is not something that they are consciously aware of, it doesn’t mean that how they truly feel won’t have an effect on their life. From behind the scenes, so to speak, it will influence their life. One thing it can do is cause them to spend a lot of time feeling anxious and even fearful. The reason for this is that as they don’t feel that they have the right to be here, they will expect to be rejected and abandoned by others. One Conclusion Yet, as they won’t be connected to what is truly going on for them, they could just believe that they suffer from anxiety, for instance. How they experience life is then not going to make any sense. Consequently, they could end up being put on medication to help them deal with their ‘irrational’ anxiety. Additionally, they could end up learning how to ‘manage’ their thoughts and meditating. Another Consequence What could also be common is for them to do what they can to please others and thereby, neglect themselves. They won’t feel worthy of having needs let alone meeting them and doing what others want can just take place automatically. In this case, they won’t be aware of the fact that they are neglecting themselves. But, if they were to become aware of this, the pull to be a non-entity and abandon themselves is likely to be too strong. Never Enough When it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something that is anything but fulfilling. Still, this could be seen as their only option and something that they simply have to tolerate. If, on the other hand, they do something that is fulfilling, they could have been at the same level for years. It might not matter how hard they work or what as they are unlikely to feel worthy of having more. One Big Battle And, due to how they feel deep down, if they do allow themselves to rise up, it might not be long until they start to come back down. So, if they earn more money than usual, are treated better or are more successful, this could soon end. Experiencing life in this way is going to feel uncomfortable and a big part of them will cause them to sabotage their life. Once their life goes back to how it was before, they might feel angry and frustrated but it will allow them to feel more settled. Stepping Back After a while, they could mentally detach from what is going on and wonder why their life is this way. What could gradually stand out is that they find it hard to accept that they deserve to be here and to have their needs met. Additionally, they could see that they have constantly tried to justify their own existence and to earn the right to be here. Before long, they could find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Going Deeper What this may illustrate is that, during their formative years, they were not given the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. This may have been a time when they were often neglected and verbally and physically harmed. Instead of having parents that chose to have them; it would have been as if they just appeared out of nowhere and were not welcome. The trouble is that as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. The Outcome They would then have believed that they were unworthy, unlovable and had no right to exist, amongst other things. However, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that this was solely something that they believed as it would have been something that permeated their whole being. Now that they are an adult, how they feel and see themselves will be seen as the absolute truth. In reality, it is nothing more than an outcome of them personalising how their wounded parents treated them. Moving Forward With this in mind, it will be important for them to, one, question what they believe, and two, to face and work through the pain that they would have experienced all those years ago. This will be the pain that their brain automatically repressed. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|