If someone is in a position where they continually end up being deprived of what they need, it is naturally going to have a negative effect on them. So, what could be normal is for them to lack the emotional and financial support they need, be alone, and not be valued or loved.
As a result of this, they are going to spend a lot of time running on empty and it won’t be possible for them to truly be at their best. Like a machine that is not receiving the fuel that it needs to function at its best, then, they are going to suffer. Caught Up But, if this is just what is normal, it might not be something that will stand out. That’s not to say that they won’t feel frustrated and even angry, it’s just that they won’t be fully aware of why they feel this way. In this case, they can be aware that they are not receiving things but what won’t stand out is exactly what it is that they are missing out on. Feeling helpless and hopeless can then be something that they are used to. One Area When it comes to what their life is like, they may have been in a number of relationships that were anything but nurturing. If these relationships were not abusive, then, they would have been dysfunctional. Not being seen and heard and taken for granted would then have been the norm and it might have taken them a while to find their feet after the relationship came to an end. After each relationship came to an end, they might have vowed to never get into another one. Harder To Handle Then again, they might have been in a number of relationships that were abusive, with this being a time when they were treated like dirt. They might have often been put down and perhaps physically harmed. Consequently, feeling anxious and terrified and as though they were going to die would have been something that they became accustomed to. If so, they might be hesitant about letting another person get close to them. Another Area When it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something that is anything but fulfilling. This could be somewhere where they rarely feel appreciated and valued, and are often passed up for a promotion. Before they were here, though, they might have had another job where the same thing took place. They could be sick and tired of seeing other people rise up, while they stay in the background. Stepping Back After a while, they could end up stepping back and seeing that a number of their needs are seldom if ever being met. After this, they could see that their life has been this way for as long as they can remember. What might enter their mind at this point is that this is how their life will always be and that there is very little that they can do. Or, they could believe that they are just unlucky and need to wait until their luck changes. One level Clearly, experiencing life in this way is not serving them and the sooner their life changes the better off they will be. Nonetheless, while experiencing life in this way is not serving them, it doesn’t mean that they are not playing a part in what is going on. This could be hard for them to accept but what they will need to keep in mind is that they are not just their conscious mind. In addition to this part of them, they also have an unconscious mind. Beyond The Mind What took place during their formative years will have played a big part in what is held inside this part of them. If their early years were a time when they were often deprived of the love that they needed, they are going to carry a number of unmet developmental needs. With this in mind, what they may soon see is that most if not all of the situations in their life when they are deprived are a replay of what it was like for them as a child. Like now, they would then have typically felt unsupported, unsafe, insecure, unloved, unworthy and invisible. What’s going on? At this point, they could wonder why they are repeating old circumstances that are causing them to suffer all over again. The reason for this is that a big part of them will still be trying to receive the love that they missed out on all those years ago. This part will be causing them to unconsciously recreate their old circumstances in the hope that this time it will be different and they will finally be loved. But, as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that other people won’t be their parents, it will be too late. At The Root If they were to accept this and stopped trying to be loved, they would end up coming into contact with a lot of pain. When they were younger, they wouldn’t have been strong enough to face their feelings and it would have been too much for them to accept that their parents were unable to love them. For them to put their past behind them and no longer endlessly recreate situations where they are deprived of what they need and want, they will need to face this pain and work through it. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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At this point in time, someone may be working towards something, and this could be something that they hope to achieve in a few months or it could be slightly longer. And, due to how important it is to them, it could also consume a lot of their attention.
So, throughout the day and when they go to bed at night, they will be thinking about it. What might also often cross their mind is how they will feel once this has taken place and how different their life will be. One Example When it comes to what they are working towards, it could be a degree or a master’s degree. Irrespective of what qualification it is, this might be something that they have been working on for a number of years. If this is what they have been working on, they are likely to have put in a lot of time and effort. What is clear is that this will be something that has taken a lot of discipline and perseverance. Within Reach Once they have submitted their work and the time comes for them to wait for their grades, they could start to feel a sense of relief, mixed with a small amount of anxiety. Around the time when they are close to finding out, they could find it hard to sleep. Fast forward to when they receive their grades, this could be a time when they will feel happy and very relieved. But, this might not be something that lasts for very long as they could soon feel very low. Confusion They will have achieved something that they have been working on for a number of years and instead of feeling fulfilled, it will be as though something is missing. At this point, they could struggle to understand why they feel this way. Before long, however, they could end up finding something else to work towards, believing that this time it will be different. Yet, to cut a long story short, the same thing could take place all over again. An Analogy Based on what takes place, it will be similar to them ordering something from a restaurant and then looking forward to eating it. Yet, once it arrives and they try it, it is nothing like how they expected it to be and they feel deeply unsatisfied. Now, if they were to take a step back, what might stand out is that when they are working towards something they feel good, but, once they have achieved it they don’t. If so, it will be clear that they enjoy the first part but not the second part. Two Levels At this stage, it will be important to point out that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. And, as they don’t feel how they expect to feel once they have achieved something, it is likely to show that these parts of them are not in harmony. At a conscious level, achieving something is going to be a way for them to fill certain needs and, at an unconscious level, it is also going to be a way for them to fill certain needs. This is not to say that these needs are separate, though, as what is going on a deeper level will influence what they want at a conscious level. Going Deeper Deep down, they can have the need to try to receive the love that they missed out on during their formative years. A number of the things that they have achieved and want to achieve will then have been and will be a way for them to try to fulfil their unmet developmental need to be loved. When they are working towards something, they will be engaging in an old struggle to be loved. But, if they were deprived of the love that they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did and now that this stage of their life is over, it will be too late for them to receive this love. Repeating The Past Nonetheless, while many, many years will have passed, a big part of them will still hope that they will finally be loved and will believe that achieving ‘fill in the blank’ will allow them to do this. Ultimately, living in hope will be a way for them to avoid the pain that they were not strong enough to experience all those years ago and had to be repressed. For them to end this struggle and no longer look for what can’t be attained, they will need to reconnect to this pain and work through it. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although someone is a human being, based on how they typically behave, they could be described as a human doing. The reason for this is that they could practically always be on the go.
And, if they were to sit still for a short moment, they could soon end up feeling deeply irritated and end up doing something before long. Based on how they live their life, it will be as though they are being drip-fed an energy drink. One outcome As a result of this, they may have achieved a lot over the years and be seen as someone that is ‘successful’. They might even have their own business, which requires a lot of their time and attention. Or they could work for someone else and spend the rest of their time caught up in other activities. Either way, taking the time to relax and recharge is seldom if ever going to happen. A Source of stress But, if they feel deeply agitated when they don’t do anything, they are not going to feel called to take a step back. Being on the go and doing things is going to be far more appealing to them. Naturally, it is likely to be difficult for them to fall asleep at night, and they might need to take something for this to take place. During this stage of the day, their mind could be racing around, with them thinking about all the things that they haven’t done and didn’t do right. Surface level connections When it comes to their relationships, they are unlikely to have a great deal of depth. In general, they could talk about what they have been doing and what they plan to do, with what is taking place for them at an emotional level not being mentioned. Yet, if they are generally on the go and are focused on what is going on externally, they are unlikely to have a strong connection with their inner world. If, then, they were asked to talk about how they feel in this moment or in general, they could struggle to answer the question. One Consequence If they are at the beginning of their life, they might be able to behave in this way for quite some time. Then again, even if they are at this stage, they might not be able to behave in this way for very long. What this comes down to is that living in this way will cause them to experience a lot of stress and, sooner or later, their body is likely to say enough’s, enough. This could result in them being taken out by a serious illness, for instance. Stepping Back Now, when someone behaves in this way, it will be as if they are trying to leave themselves. Therefore, they won’t be able to inhibit their body; they will be doing everything they can to get away from it. Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that this is something that they will be consciously aware of as they are likely to be totally caught up in their need to be on the go. For them to find out why they are behaving in this way, it will be a good idea for them to be with themselves. What’s going on? So, if they were to become aware of how they are behaving and started to wonder what is going on, sitting down and seeing what happens will help them. If they were to do this, after experiencing a sense of irritation, they could end up feeling anxious. What may then enter their mind is that being on the go is a way for them to not feel as though their life is under threat and experience a sense of control. They could soon wonder why they don’t feel safe enough to be in their body and just be. Confusion Now, if they are unable to understand why they are experiencing life in this way, it could show that their brain has blocked out the information that would shed light on what is going on. This will have taken place to allow them to function and keep it together, not to make their life difficult. This may illustrate that their early years were anything but nurturing, with this being a time when they were mistreated by one or both of their parents. Ultimately, they wouldn’t have been brought up in an environment where they felt safe, secure and loved and able to inhabit their body. A Brutal Time Being on edge and ready to move - being in survival mode - would have been a way for them to handle a dysfunctional environment. And, as they were deprived of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, they are likely to be developmentally stunted. Now that they are an adult, what took place will be over but a big part of them won’t realise this. This part of them will project their past onto the present, which is why they are going to feel as though their life is under threat. It's over Consequently, being on the go will be a way for them to get away from a threat that no longer exists. There is then how their conscious mind sees life and how their unconscious mind sees it. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man is in a position where he is seldom there for himself and spends a lot of time doing things for his mother, he is going to be depriving himself of what he needs. Based on how he behaves, it will be as though he doesn’t have many needs.
However, although this is something that may stand out to the outside observer, it doesn’t mean that this is something that he will be aware of. The reason for this is that he might not be aware of a number of his needs, and thus, he won’t realise that he is neglecting himself. Missing Out He is then going to be neglecting a number of his needs and this is going to have a negative impact on him. For example, he could often feel drained and very low but he might not look into why this is. If he does reflect on how he often feels, he could end up coming to the conclusion that he suffers from depression, for instance. Yet focusing on his mother's needs will allow him to avoid what is truly going on for him – at least in the short term. Stepping Back If he is in a relationship, his partner could wonder why he behaves in this way and what he gets out of it. Conversely, this is something that one of his friends or family members could wonder. Either way, it will be clear to them that he is neglecting himself and is suffering as a result. It could be clear to them that he needs to draw the line with his mother and start putting his own needs first. A Hidden Benefit Clearly, if behaving in this way wasn’t serving him in some way, he wouldn’t behave in this way. Still, as he is giving a lot and receiving very little in return, it can be hard for someone to accept how this could be possible. In all likelihood, he is trying to receive the love that he missed out on during his formative years. If so, this will be something that is taking place outside of his conscious awareness and, therefore, he won’t be aware of it. Two Things If he was to spend less time doing things for his mother and more time doing things for himself, he is likely to experience tension. This will then shed light on why he feels compelled to be there for his mother. What will be clear at this stage is that not being there for her causes him to feel deeply uncomfortable. This will illustrate that in addition to having the need to be loved by her, he is also carrying a lot of pain that he needs to keep at bay. Going Deeper When it comes to why he is trying to receive the love that he missed out on during his formative years, it is likely to show that his mother was unable to truly be there for him. Instead, this is likely to have been a time when he had to be there for her instead. Not receiving what he needed would have stopped him from being able to go through each developmental stage and it would have caused him to experience a lot of pain. Both the developmental needs that were not met and the pain that he experienced, as a result, would have been repressed by his brain. Out of sight But while these needs will have been repressed, they will have continued to exert an influence on his life. Ultimately, it would have been too painful for him to accept that his mother was unable to love him as a child, and, even though he is now an adult and far stronger, it will still be too painful. This is then why he will feel compelled to be there for his mother, in order to try to receive what she was unable to give him all those years ago and can’t give him now. Trying to receive what can’t be received is then a way for him to avoid the truth; that he will never receive the love that he needed but missed out on as a child. A Process For him to gradually draw the line with his mother and live his own life, this is something that he will need to accept. But, due to how much pain he is going to be carrying, this is going to be something that will take time. It is then not a case of him simply choosing to accept it and that’s the end of it; it is something that he needs to accept at an emotional level. For this to occur, he is likely to have many, many layers of pain to work through. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Assertion: Can Child Abuse Cause Someone To See Self-Assertion As A Threat To Their Survival?10/3/2023
At times, someone is going to need to stand their ground and not tolerate something. By doing this, they will be paying attention to their own needs and looking after their own well-being in the process.
At other times, they will need to go after what it is that they desire. This will also allow them to fulfil their needs and, thus, to live a life that is fulfilling. It’s missing However, although having this ability is a key part of living a life that is worth living, it doesn’t mean that they will effortlessly be able to do this. What can be normal is for them to allow other people to walk over them and deny their own needs. As a result of this, their true self is generally going to be hidden and they will behave in a way that is not serving them. But, if this is how their life has been for a very long time, it might not stand out. Feedback Still, this is not to say that abandoning themselves won’t have a negative impact on them. They might often feel drained and depressed but this could be put down to them simply suffering from depression, for instance. Then again, they might typically avoid what is going on inside them, which will cause them to ignore the signs that they are living in a way that is having a negative impact on them. Sooner or later, though, something could happen that will bring them to their knees, so to speak. Shinning the Light If this was to happen, they might end up finding out that they find it hard to stand up for themselves and express their needs. At this point, they could wonder why they find it so hard to do this. What they could do, to start to gain an understanding of why they are this way, is to imagine that they were to say no or to express themselves in another way. During this time, they could end up feeling anxious. A Big Risk Taking this into account, it is not a surprise that they have the inclination to act like an extension of others. Naturally, their need to survive is stronger than their need to freely express themselves. But, as this is something that should feel comfortable, it shows that something is not right. If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. Back In Time If they were to think about what their early years were like, they might not be able to remember a great deal. What this is likely to show is that their brain has blocked out most if not all of what took place in order to protect them. Thanks to this, they will have been able to keep it together and function. What this illustrates is that their brains main priority is to keep them alive, not to make sure that they live a fulfilling life. A Closer Look Throughout this stage of their life, they may have had at least one parent that was physically and verbally abusive and neglected them. So, instead of being brought up in an environment where it was safe for them to be themselves, they would have felt unsafe, insecure and unwanted. Due to this, they would have had to lose touch with themselves and create a disconnected, false self. Living on the surface of themselves would have allowed them to avoid the pain in their body and be more prepared for when they would be harmed. Self-Alienation Living up top would have allowed them to attune to the needs of others, whilst being totally oblivious to their own needs. Yet, as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was absolutely nothing that they could do to change what was going on. This is why they had to adapt to a dysfunctional environment, setting them to up suffer as an adult. Now that they are an adult, what took place will be over but a big part of them won’t have truly moved on. The Fall Out They are likely to carry a lot of pain and arousal, and this will stop them from being both in tune with and freely expressing themselves. Working through this pain and arousal is likely to take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There are some people that are not very confident and are full of doubt, while there are others that are full of confidence and don’t really experience doubt. Due to this, those that can relate to the former often achieve far less than those that can relate to the latter.
If one was to meet someone that falls into the second category, one could wonder how they could be this way. While they could struggle to feel good and capable, they won’t be in the company of someone that is in the same position. High Up It might not stop there though; as this person could have an air of superiority about them and make out that they are better than others. There is a chance that they will be fairly successful in at least one area of their life. Thanks to this, they could have certain material items that will help to support their inflated view of themselves. If they do make out that they are better than others, both directly and indirectly, then, these items will be used to validate this view. A Strong Shell If they receive constructive feedback or are criticised, it might not have much of an impact on them. Like a ball that has been thrown against a wall, it could bounce right off them. Then again, they could become very self-righteous and angry and end up laying into the other person. Along with this, they could end up criticising this person behind their back, making out that they have been wronged. No Way Through As a result of this, it won’t matter if the other person’s intentions were clear and if what they were saying was right as it won’t go in. Their heightened sense of themselves will make it hard for them to accept feedback. At this point, it could be said that one of the reasons why they are so confident is because they are not connected to life. They have walled themselves up and this then allows them to be so bold. Unaffected Therefore, as they are not really impacted by life, there is going to be no reason for them to not be confident. If life had a big impact on them, this wouldn’t be the case. But, while being this way might have allowed them to become successful and to be admired by some, it is unlikely to allow them to have fulfilling relationships and, before long, they could soon fall off their self-imposed pedestal. One-Sided If they are in a relationship, they could be with someone that is overly submissive and easy-going. This person is then going to spend a lot of time being walked over and having their needs overlooked. Instead of being in a relationship where they are valued, seen and loved, they will be in a relationship where they are not valued, seen or loved. If they felt somewhat alive before this relationship began, they could now feel totally drained. A fall When it comes to why they are likely to soon fall off their self-imposed pedestal, this will come down to the fact that reality will end up catching up with them. So, while they will be good at blocking out anything that goes against their heightened view of themselves, not listening to and doing anything about the feedback they receive will harm them sooner or later. For example, they could end up being isolated from others, losing their job and even having health problems. But, instead of being able to join the dots, they could believe that they are being unfairly punished and have plenty of people to blame. What’s going on? In all likelihood, they will have been this way for most of their life and if this is so, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were deeply wounded by one or both of their parents. Throughout this stage of their life, they may have been treated like they were nothing, with them often being humiliated and. criticised. Additionally, they might have often been physically harmed and neglected. Self-Protection To stop themselves from feeling totally worthless and unlovable, however, they would have gradually created a disconnected false self. This false self would have stopped them from having to come into contact with their true self, with them going from someone that felt less-than-human to someone that felt more-than-human. Both their mind and their body would have combined to defend themselves against their true feelings. Keeping these defences in place will take a lot of energy and external items and positive feedback they receive will help to keep them in place. Too much To Handle The inflated false self that they have in place is going to undermine them sooner or later, that’s if it hasn’t already, but as they carry so much pain inside them, they will naturally do everything that they can to keep it in place. It is then highly unlikely that they would end up reaching out for support. For this to happen, they might have to go through something so dramatic that it destroys their defences and exposes them to their true feelings. As traumatic as this would be, it would allow them to reconnect to their humanity. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone could wonder, if they were to come across a man that is overly caught up with his mother, is why he behaves in this way. He will be a man, not a boy, so there is going to be no reason for his life to revolve around her.
As this is the case, his life should come first and his mother’s life should be of secondary importance. It could then be said that he just needs to draw the line and focus on his own life. External Feedback If this person was to talk to him about this, and this could be a friend or a family member, they could say that his life is important and he needs to be there for himself. This might not have much of an impact though. Based on how he responds, it could be as if he is being criticised or encouraged to do something that is not right. If so, not only will be living in a way that is not serving him but he won’t be able to able to acknowledge this. Business as Usual He will then continue to behave in the same way and his life will continue to pass him by. At this point, it will be clear that something is not right as he should be living his own life, not letting it pass him by. Now, this is not a value judgement, it is simply a fact; after all, he is on this earth to live his own life, not to act like an extension of another person. What this is likely to show is that although he looks like an adult, he doesn’t feel like one. A Disconnected State Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that he is consciously aware of the fact that he doesn’t feel like an adult. The reason for this is that he is unlikely to have a strong connection with his emotional self. Consequently, his true feelings will typically be outside of his conscious awareness and how he is behaving will then be something that generally feels comfortable. If he was to change his behaviour, he might soon come into contact with how he truly feels deep down. Frozen In Time As he is now an adult and is no longer a child, it might seem strange as to why he wouldn’t feel like an adult. This is likely to be a sign that, during his formative years, he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. This would have prevented him from being able to go through each developmental stage. Naturally, as he feels like a boy deep down, his adult needs are largely going to be ignored, with his developmental needs taking precedence. An Analogy One way to understand what is going on would be for someone to imagine that they are hungry but, instead of having a full course meal they just have a starter. Once the meal is over, as they will still be hungry, they won’t truly be able to focus on anything else. In the same way, the man’s childhood will be over but as he didn’t receive what he needed, he won’t be able to truly focus on his adult life. Deep down, his unmet developmental needs will cause him to behave in a way that will hopefully allow him to receive what he missed out on all those years ago. Two levels On one level, then, will be someone that looks like an adult, and, on another level, will be someone that feels like a boy and is waiting for his mother to finally love him. The trouble is that as this stage of his life is now over, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. Also, the underdeveloped parts of him don’t want to be loved by his current mother, they want to be loved by the version of his mother that no longer exists. With this in mind, he could focus on her for millions of years and it still wouldn’t allow him to receive what he missed out on. What Happened? As to why he didn’t receive what he needed, it is likely to show that his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental years. The roles were then reversed and he had to be an adult before he was able to be a child. His developmental needs and the pain that he experienced would have ended up being repressed by his brain. The outcome of this is that he would have developed a disconnected false self that would have encapsulated his underdeveloped true self. A Natural Outcome If he had entered the world in a fully developed state, it wouldn’t have mattered that his mother was unable to provide him with what he needed. But, as he didn’t, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t have been able to truly move on from his developmental years. Therefore, there is nothing inherently wrong with him and he is not weak, for instance, he is simply unconsciously doing what he can to avoid the pain that he experienced all those years ago and receive what a big part of him desperately needs – his mother’s love. Facing the pain that he had to repress and experiencing his unmet development needs will be a key part of what will allow him to outgrow this stage of his life. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they often feel down and low. For most of their life, this may have been something that they have typically been able to cover up.
Now, though, it could be a lot harder for them to do this and this might make them wonder what is going on. What could enter their mind is that they suffer from depression and there is then something wrong with them. Looking Back When it comes to what they have done to avoid themselves, they might have spent a lot of time in doing mode. So, practically always being on the go will have made it easier for them to keep what is going on for them at bay. Along with this, they might have often consumed different things. Thanks to this, they wouldn’t have been aware of what was really going on for them and would have been able to carry on as normal. A Trigger What may have played a part in them no longer being able to cover up how they feel is a loss of some kind. They might have experienced a breakup, lost a loved one or had a pet that has passed on. Either way, this might have weakened their defences and caused them to come face to face with what they have been able to run away from for so long. What is currently going on will then have added more weight to the weight that they are already carrying. A Sense of Despair Due to how low they now feel, they might wonder if they will ever be able to get out of the hole that they are in. Getting out of bed could be tough and it could be hard for them to perform at their best when they are at work. A number of the things that they enjoyed doing before might also no longer interest them. They might then have gone from one extreme to the other, being super driven at one point to having no oomph at another. Going Deeper If they were able to connect with how they feel, what they might soon come to see is that they feel very sad. Moreover, in addition to the sadness that they feel after experiencing a loss, that’s if they have, they could find that there is additional sadness. At this point, it could be as though they don’t just feel sad but they are made of sadness; that’s how sad they could feel. When they are depressed, then, it will show that they are in a shut down state, and, when they are not in this state, they will be able to access how they really feel. What’s going on? If they have felt low for most of their life, it could show that their early years were a time when they were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. They may have been brought up by parents that were emotionally unavailable and often left them. This would then have been a period of their life that was filled with loss and a time when they would have experienced a lot of sadness as a result. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. The Outcome To handle the pain of not being loved, their brain would have repressed how they felt and they would have gradually gone into a shut down state. This would have allowed them to keep it together and function. The downside is that they would have lost touch with their true self and created a disconnected false self in the process. The years would then have passed but the pain they experienced would have stayed locked inside them. A Build Up But, after more layers of pain accumulated inside them, it would have gotten harder and harder for their defences to stay in place. They will now have the opportunity to truly put the past behind them. For this to take place, they are going to need to face and work through the pain that they were unable to handle all those years ago. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After someone has experienced a breakup, lost a loved one, or had a pet pass on, for instance, they could end up embracing how they feel and allowing themselves to grieve. This is then likely to be a time when they won’t behave as they usually would.
So, they might no longer have the desire to do certain things and might prefer to spend more time by themselves. Their life will have been one way and now it will be another way, with it never being the same again. A Stage This is not to say that they will be this way forever but, this will be an important phase for them to go through. By surrendering to what is going on for them as opposed to resisting it, they will be able to gradually embrace life once again. What is likely to help them, during this time, is for them to write, cry and share their inner experience with trusted others. Therefore, as it important it will be for them to spend time by themselves, they are also going to need external support. Not an Island Yet, as they are an interdependent human being, not an independent human being, this is to be expected. Ultimately, needing others is not a sign of weakness; it is simply part of the human experience. As for how long it takes for them to find their feet again, it can depend on a number of different factors. How mentally and emotionally together they were before, how much repressed pain they were carrying before, how sensitive they are and how much support they have will all play a part. A Time of Patience It could be a number of months or even years before they are ready to experience a new normal. What can make it harder for them to embrace this process is if there are people in their life that are human doings, not human beings. For someone like this that is more or less constantly on the go, there will be no time to engage in this process. In their eyes, life could be too short to step off the track and not carry on as normal. The Norm This view will be a natural consequence of living in a society that is largely stuck in doing mode. In this society, the average person’s sympathetic nervous system will spend a lot of time in an activated state. In other words, they will spend a lot of time in flight mode. As opposed to running from an external threat, however, they are likely to be running from an internal threat that they are not consciously aware of but are still reacting to. Another Experience Now, although this can be seen as a healthy approach, there are others that won’t go down this path. As a result of this, they will experience a loss and end up carrying on as normal. Based on how they behave after this has taken place, it can be as if what has taken place hasn’t had an impact on them. Due to this, some of the people in their life could comment on how strong and resilient they are. Positive Feedback In a society that typically values the masculine element more than the feminine element, it is to be expected that not showing emotions will be seen as a sign of strength. Expressing emotions, and thus, crying after a loss, then, will be seen as a sign of weakness. The trouble is that while they might be able to act strong in the short term, it might not be long until the pain that they have avoided makes itself known. As the days, weeks and months pass, they could have less energy and drive, with it being a challenge for them to behave in the same way. Rock Bottom If this was to take place, they could wonder what is going on. After a while, they could have the need to see their doctor, and this could be a time when they will be diagnosed as being depressed. If they feel flat and it is hard for them to function, they will certainly fit the diagnoses but taking medication, for instance, won’t get to the root of what is going on. Quite simply, they will have avoided facing the pain they were in and now this pain will be knocking at their door, calling for their attention. A Closer Look The pain that they were in would have been removed from their conscious mind but it won’t have been removed from their consciousness. For so long, their defences would have allowed them to keep this pain at bay but now it will be breaking through. As to why they didn’t allow themselves to face how they felt after a loss, it can be a sign that they were already carrying a lot of loss. Thanks to this, if they had faced how they felt, they would have been overwhelmed with pain. Back In Time This doesn’t mean that this was something that they were consciously aware of as they are unlikely to have chosen to respond in this way. Most likely, it would have been something that happened automatically. If they are carrying a lot of loss and pain, it could illustrate that their early years were also full of loss. Perhaps they were brought up by parents that were emotionally unavailable and often left them. One Option Not having a number of their developmental needs met on a regular basis if at all would have deeply wounded them. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have had to repress the pain they were in and their development needs. The years would then have passed but how they felt would have stayed locked inside them. Naturally, as they will carry so much pain from their childhood and their adult life, they will have done and will do their best to stop themselves from drawing in it. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Be Out Of Touch With Their Need For Love If They Were Abused As A Child?18/2/2023
There are those that are in tune with their need to be loved and those that are not. When someone is not in tune with this need, they might have been this way for most if not all of their life.
As a result of this, they won’t be in tune with this need and this will be something that they are not aware of. But, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this need won’t have an effect on their life. Hidden From outside of their conscious awareness, it will exert its influence in one way or another. So, one thing that it can do is cause them to have a very high sex drive and or to be a workaholic. On one level, these can be seen as things that have absolutely no connection to the need to be loved. However, on another level, they will be examples of how their need to be loved will have been redirected. A New Direction Behind their need to have a lot of sex and their need to work so much, assuming that they are in this position, then, will be their need to be loved. If this was put forward to them, they could dismiss what is said. They could say that sex is enough for them and that they don’t want more and that they enjoy working. And, due to how hidden their need for love is, it is to be expected that they would respond in this way. The Driving Force They won’t have access to what is driving their behaviour, so there will be no reason for them to say anything else. What is taking place in their mind will be seen as what is driving their behaviour. They are then going to be controlled by a part of them that they don’t even realise exists. A number of the people in their life could also be in a similar position, which will help to strengthen their view that how they are behaving is normal. A Struggle Nonetheless, there could come a point in time when they no longer want to behave in this way, with them simply not having the desire or the energy to do so. Along with this, they could come into contact with the need to be in a relationship and spend more time doing things that are not work-related. Still, a big part of them could still want to behave in the same way and this is going to lead to inner conflict. Behaving in a way that is not truly serving them is then going to be what primarily feels comfortable. A Deeper Look What might enter their mind is why they haven’t been in tune with their need to be loved and why this need has been channelled into other needs. When they have sex, this will give them the sense that they are being loved. They will experience human contact but they won’t truly be seen by the other person and it won’t last. As for when they work, this will probably allow them to receive a fair amount of approval from others and to feel seen. A Poor Replacement When it comes to them being loved, this will relate to them being seen and heard, held, touched, and valued. This is not going to take place purely by having sex or by working hard. The only thing that it is likely to do is to allow them to release tension and help to keep their need for love at bay. At this stage, they could wonder why they have been able to meet this need directly as opposed to trying to unconsciously meet it indirectly. What’s going on? If they were to think about expressing this need directly, they might soon feel deeply uncomfortable. It could be as though something bad will happen to them and they will end up being rejected and abandoned. What this is likely to show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were often abused and neglected. By being treated in this way, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to express their need to be loved and be vulnerable, and, even if they did, it probably wouldn’t have been met. One option To handle what was going on, their brain would have automatically repressed a number of their needs and the pain that they experienced by not having these needs met. This would have caused them to lose touch with themselves and create a disconnected false self. From this moment onwards, they are likely to have done a number of things in order to try to be loved. This might have meant they got good grades, were well behaved and were helpful. A New Experience But, no matter what they unconsciously did to try to be loved, it wouldn’t have allowed this to take place. As they were not loved and were deeply wounded, they are likely to carry a lot of pain. Physically and mentally they will have grown, but their emotional self is likely to be in an underdeveloped state. Facing this pain and experiencing their unmet development needs will play a big part in what will stop them from trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child and be able to receive the love that they can receive as an adult. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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