After someone has experienced a breakup, lost a loved one, or had a pet pass on, for instance, they could end up embracing how they feel and allowing themselves to grieve. This is then likely to be a time when they won’t behave as they usually would.
So, they might no longer have the desire to do certain things and might prefer to spend more time by themselves. Their life will have been one way and now it will be another way, with it never being the same again. A Stage This is not to say that they will be this way forever but, this will be an important phase for them to go through. By surrendering to what is going on for them as opposed to resisting it, they will be able to gradually embrace life once again. What is likely to help them, during this time, is for them to write, cry and share their inner experience with trusted others. Therefore, as it important it will be for them to spend time by themselves, they are also going to need external support. Not an Island Yet, as they are an interdependent human being, not an independent human being, this is to be expected. Ultimately, needing others is not a sign of weakness; it is simply part of the human experience. As for how long it takes for them to find their feet again, it can depend on a number of different factors. How mentally and emotionally together they were before, how much repressed pain they were carrying before, how sensitive they are and how much support they have will all play a part. A Time of Patience It could be a number of months or even years before they are ready to experience a new normal. What can make it harder for them to embrace this process is if there are people in their life that are human doings, not human beings. For someone like this that is more or less constantly on the go, there will be no time to engage in this process. In their eyes, life could be too short to step off the track and not carry on as normal. The Norm This view will be a natural consequence of living in a society that is largely stuck in doing mode. In this society, the average person’s sympathetic nervous system will spend a lot of time in an activated state. In other words, they will spend a lot of time in flight mode. As opposed to running from an external threat, however, they are likely to be running from an internal threat that they are not consciously aware of but are still reacting to. Another Experience Now, although this can be seen as a healthy approach, there are others that won’t go down this path. As a result of this, they will experience a loss and end up carrying on as normal. Based on how they behave after this has taken place, it can be as if what has taken place hasn’t had an impact on them. Due to this, some of the people in their life could comment on how strong and resilient they are. Positive Feedback In a society that typically values the masculine element more than the feminine element, it is to be expected that not showing emotions will be seen as a sign of strength. Expressing emotions, and thus, crying after a loss, then, will be seen as a sign of weakness. The trouble is that while they might be able to act strong in the short term, it might not be long until the pain that they have avoided makes itself known. As the days, weeks and months pass, they could have less energy and drive, with it being a challenge for them to behave in the same way. Rock Bottom If this was to take place, they could wonder what is going on. After a while, they could have the need to see their doctor, and this could be a time when they will be diagnosed as being depressed. If they feel flat and it is hard for them to function, they will certainly fit the diagnoses but taking medication, for instance, won’t get to the root of what is going on. Quite simply, they will have avoided facing the pain they were in and now this pain will be knocking at their door, calling for their attention. A Closer Look The pain that they were in would have been removed from their conscious mind but it won’t have been removed from their consciousness. For so long, their defences would have allowed them to keep this pain at bay but now it will be breaking through. As to why they didn’t allow themselves to face how they felt after a loss, it can be a sign that they were already carrying a lot of loss. Thanks to this, if they had faced how they felt, they would have been overwhelmed with pain. Back In Time This doesn’t mean that this was something that they were consciously aware of as they are unlikely to have chosen to respond in this way. Most likely, it would have been something that happened automatically. If they are carrying a lot of loss and pain, it could illustrate that their early years were also full of loss. Perhaps they were brought up by parents that were emotionally unavailable and often left them. One Option Not having a number of their developmental needs met on a regular basis if at all would have deeply wounded them. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have had to repress the pain they were in and their development needs. The years would then have passed but how they felt would have stayed locked inside them. Naturally, as they will carry so much pain from their childhood and their adult life, they will have done and will do their best to stop themselves from drawing in it. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Child Abuse: Can Someone Be Out Of Touch With Their Need For Love If They Were Abused As A Child?18/2/2023
There are those that are in tune with their need to be loved and those that are not. When someone is not in tune with this need, they might have been this way for most if not all of their life.
As a result of this, they won’t be in tune with this need and this will be something that they are not aware of. But, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this need won’t have an effect on their life. Hidden From outside of their conscious awareness, it will exert its influence in one way or another. So, one thing that it can do is cause them to have a very high sex drive and or to be a workaholic. On one level, these can be seen as things that have absolutely no connection to the need to be loved. However, on another level, they will be examples of how their need to be loved will have been redirected. A New Direction Behind their need to have a lot of sex and their need to work so much, assuming that they are in this position, then, will be their need to be loved. If this was put forward to them, they could dismiss what is said. They could say that sex is enough for them and that they don’t want more and that they enjoy working. And, due to how hidden their need for love is, it is to be expected that they would respond in this way. The Driving Force They won’t have access to what is driving their behaviour, so there will be no reason for them to say anything else. What is taking place in their mind will be seen as what is driving their behaviour. They are then going to be controlled by a part of them that they don’t even realise exists. A number of the people in their life could also be in a similar position, which will help to strengthen their view that how they are behaving is normal. A Struggle Nonetheless, there could come a point in time when they no longer want to behave in this way, with them simply not having the desire or the energy to do so. Along with this, they could come into contact with the need to be in a relationship and spend more time doing things that are not work-related. Still, a big part of them could still want to behave in the same way and this is going to lead to inner conflict. Behaving in a way that is not truly serving them is then going to be what primarily feels comfortable. A Deeper Look What might enter their mind is why they haven’t been in tune with their need to be loved and why this need has been channelled into other needs. When they have sex, this will give them the sense that they are being loved. They will experience human contact but they won’t truly be seen by the other person and it won’t last. As for when they work, this will probably allow them to receive a fair amount of approval from others and to feel seen. A Poor Replacement When it comes to them being loved, this will relate to them being seen and heard, held, touched, and valued. This is not going to take place purely by having sex or by working hard. The only thing that it is likely to do is to allow them to release tension and help to keep their need for love at bay. At this stage, they could wonder why they have been able to meet this need directly as opposed to trying to unconsciously meet it indirectly. What’s going on? If they were to think about expressing this need directly, they might soon feel deeply uncomfortable. It could be as though something bad will happen to them and they will end up being rejected and abandoned. What this is likely to show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were often abused and neglected. By being treated in this way, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to express their need to be loved and be vulnerable, and, even if they did, it probably wouldn’t have been met. One option To handle what was going on, their brain would have automatically repressed a number of their needs and the pain that they experienced by not having these needs met. This would have caused them to lose touch with themselves and create a disconnected false self. From this moment onwards, they are likely to have done a number of things in order to try to be loved. This might have meant they got good grades, were well behaved and were helpful. A New Experience But, no matter what they unconsciously did to try to be loved, it wouldn’t have allowed this to take place. As they were not loved and were deeply wounded, they are likely to carry a lot of pain. Physically and mentally they will have grown, but their emotional self is likely to be in an underdeveloped state. Facing this pain and experiencing their unmet development needs will play a big part in what will stop them from trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child and be able to receive the love that they can receive as an adult. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone doesn’t believe that they are lovable, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Even so, how they see themselves is still going to have an effect on how they experience life.
By being this way, it can be normal for them to push human warmth away. But, if they are not aware of the fact that they don’t feel lovable or see how they are pushing warmth away, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. For Example So, if they were to meet someone that is loving and kind, they might not be in their life for very long. Naturally, spending time around someone like this is not going to feel comfortable. To resolve this inner discomfort, they could do something that will create the impression that they are not into the other person. So, they could do this by turning up late to see them or not responding to their messages. An Automatic process This is not to say that they will consciously choose to do this as it could be something that takes place without them even thinking about it. Another thing that they could do is go with someone else and cheat on them. After the other person has left their life, they could end up wondering why they behaved as they did. This could be a time when they will lay into themselves, seeing themselves as a failure, for instance. Another Area If they have friends that are warm and treat them with respect, this could also make them feel uncomfortable. Based on how they feel, it will be as though they are receiving something that they are not worthy of. These people are then going to treat them in a way that they deserve to be treated but they won’t be able to accept this. This may mean that they have pushed a number of friends away over the years. Making the Unconscious Conscious If they we able to take a step back and reflect on their life, they might gradually be able to see that they don’t feel lovable. After becoming aware of this, they might see that they have felt like this for as long as they can remember. Their mind could go blank though if they were to think about why they feel this way. What could cross their mind is that they were born this way, and there is then going to be very little that they can do about it. Another Angle Nonetheless, even if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it doesn’t mean that they were born this way. What took place during their formative years may be the reason why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, with them having at least one parent that was abusive and neglectful. Thus, throughout this stage of their life, they may have been treated like they were nothing. Deeply Deprived The love that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way wouldn’t have been provided. Feeling worthless, unloved, unwanted, hated, rejected and alone would have been normal. As opposed to being their parent or parent’s child, then, it would have been as if they were an intruder that was forcing this person or people to look after them. Ultimately, they wouldn’t have been cherished. A Deeper Look The trouble is that although how they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents, they wouldn’t have been able to accept this. As they were egocentric, how they were treated was seen as a reflection of how worthless and unlovable they were. Still, this is not to say that their parent or parents were aware of what was going on. Most likely, they were oblivious to how their own wounds were having an impact on how they saw and treated their child. Self-Alienation Now, assuming that it was one parent that treated them like dirt, this parent might have also been treated like dirt by one or both of their parents or another family member when they were younger. They would then have personalised what took place and ended up feeling worthless and unlovable. Thanks to the defences that they built up over time, they would have lost touch with their true feelings and ended up creating a disconnected and inflated false self. The outcome of this is that they would have probably seen themselves as being superior to others and their child, who would have unconsciously reminded them of the parts of themselves that they had disowned, and would have treated them in the same way that they were treated. Drawing The Line This shows how abuse is passed on from one generation to another and how important self-awareness and self-healing are. Without this, it won’t be possible for this type of behaviour to be put to an end. With that aside, the truth is that they are worthy and lovable, and if their parent treated them differently, they would probably know this at the core of their being. Due to what they went through, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotionally Shut Down: Can Someone Pathologize Themselves If They Are Emotionally Shut Down?16/2/2023
After someone has become aware of the fact that they are not connected to their feelings or are rarely connected to them, they might end up criticising themselves. They could even end up believing that there is something inherently wrong with them.
If so, this is not going to be a time when they will be kind and compassionate towards themselves. Being this way is going to make their life harder than it needs to be and not being on their own side will make it even harder. One Step Back When it comes to how they become aware of their inner disconnection, it could be because they got into a relationship. At first, they might have been fine but as things progressed, it would have become clear that something wasn’t right. Instead of being able to emotionally connect to their partner and freely express how they felt, this wouldn’t have taken place. They might have wondered what was going on and perhaps questioned if they were with the right person. Confusion Once it became clear that they didn’t have a strong connection with their feelings, it might not have been long until the relationship came to an end. Before this took place, though, their partner might have criticised them for how they were. If so, this would have made it harder for them to handle what was going on and perhaps to feel bad, too. Still, even if this didn’t take place, what was going on was likely to have been deeply frustrating for them. A Similar Experience What they may also find, if they were to look back on their life, is that this is not the first time they have had this experience. They may have been in at least one other relationship where they were unable to connect to how they felt. If they have, they might have simply believed that they were with the wrong person and it would be different once they met the right person. Yet, now that this has happened on more than one occasion, it will be clear that what is going on for them is the issue. Additional Feedback Along with what has taken place when it comes to their romantic relationships, they might have at least one friend that has described them as being emotionally disconnected. This friend might have expressed this in a critical manner or they might not. Either way, after the experiences that they have had and the feedback that they have received, they won’t be able to ignore what is going on for them. The trouble is that although they are aware of what is going on, how they are viewing what is going on is not going to serve them. The Truth What they will need to keep in mind at this point is that they are not choosing to be this way and if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, there is a strong chance that they have been deeply traumatised. Considering this, it will be important for them to be kind and compassionate toward themselves. Moreover, as opposed to judging themselves, they can move to a place of being deeply curious about why they are this way. By doing this, they will gradually go from being their own worst enemy to their own best friend. A Closer Look If they were to look back on their life, they might not be able to remember a time that was very stressful. What this can show is that their brain has blocked out what took place in order to allow them to function and keep it together. The downside of this is that the information that would shed light on why they are this way will be outside of their conscious awareness. There is a chance that they were deeply traumatised during their formative years. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, they might have been overwhelmed on a regular basis, with this causing them to shut down after a while. This could show that they were abused and/or neglected. Due to how underdeveloped they were and as they were unable to attach to their parent or parents, they wouldn’t have been another option. Losing the ability to feel was then what allowed them to handle a brutal stage of their life. The Key Point Keeping this in mind is likely to play an important part in them being able to see themselves differently and be kind towards themselves. They will be able to see that while their inner disconnection is making their life harder as an adult if they didn’t respond in this way earlier on, they probably wouldn’t be alive. They will have been through a lot and by understanding why they are this way and being in a place of acceptance, it will be a lot easier for them to move forward. Being in a place of resistance, on the other hand, will make it harder. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man’s life revolves around his mother, what will stand out is that he is going to act more like an extension of her than a separate being that has his own needs and life to lead. At this point, it could be said that he just needs to implement boundaries with her and live his own life.
Not doing this, of course, is going to cause his own life to pass by and he won’t be able to get this time back. If it was possible for him to go back in time, this wouldn’t be the case. One Hurdle However, although this is what will need to take place so that he can live a life that is worth living, there could be a fair amount of resistance. Assuming that he was to become aware of how he is behaving and see that he is neglecting himself, he could soon go back to how he was before. This will show that the part of him that can see clearly and is, lets say, healthy, will be outmuscled by another part of him that doesn’t want to face reality and is not healthy. This unhealthy part of him is then going to be far stronger than the healthy part of him. Business as Usual As a result of this, he will go back to how he was before and he will continue to turn his back on himself. But, now that part of him has ‘woken up’, it might not be long until he takes a step back again and sees that how he is living is not serving him. What could soon enter his mind is that due to how strong the pull is for him to be there for his mother, this is what he is supposed to be doing. Being there for himself is then going to be the wrong thing and being there for her will be the right thing, even though this will have a negative impact on his well-being. An Illusion But, no matter how strong this pull is, it doesn’t mean that it is wrong for him to be there for himself. Ultimately, he is not here to take care of his mother’s needs, he is here to take care of his own needs. Nonetheless, thanks to how strong this pull is, it might not matter how many times he is told this by others. When he connects to this pull, it could even be as though his mother is inside him and is controlling him from the inside. Another Hurdle Along with this, he may also find that while he doesn’t want to be focused on his mother, he doesn’t know what he wants to do instead. So, if he is not there for her, he could feel lost and unsure about how to live his life. Furthermore, this could be a time when he will feel anxious and find it hard to feel at ease. This will show that he is dependent on her guidance and a big part of him believes that he needs to be focused on her in order to exist. An Inner Emptiness With this in mind, it is likely to illustrate that he doesn’t have a strong connection with himself and is in a disconnected state. Moreover, it is likely to show that a big part of him is in survival mode. By being estranged from himself and, thus, out of touch with his feelings and a number of his needs, it is to be expected that he would be lost without his mother’s direction. And, as for a big part of him being in survival mode, it makes sense as to why he would see his mother as being essential to his survival. A Bizarre Scenario Instead of being connected to his body and, consequently, in tune with his needs and feelings, it is going to be as if he is missing something. He won’t feel strong and capable, that’s for sure. By being in this empty and unresourceful state and not feeling at ease, unless he pleases his mother, it is not going to be a surprise that he won’t just be able to live his life. He will look whole and complete but this won’t be his inner experience. What’s going on? If this is how he has been for as long as he can remember, it is likely to mean that his adult life is simply a continuation of his early years. This would then have been a time when he had to be there for his mother, with him being deprived in the process. In addition to being deprived of the emotional nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have experienced a lot of pain. This pain, along with his needs and feelings, so his true self, would have automatically been repressed by his brain. A Natural Outcome His physical self and his mental self would have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have. This is why he will feel empty and incomplete and why his survival will still be attached to his mother. Being in a repressed state is also going to prevent him from being able to access his inner guidance and know what is right for him. With this in mind, he is going to be like a house that needs renovating as opposed to a house that just needs repainting. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they often feel alone, ignored and unsupported. Now, this could be a sign that they don’t have many friends and spend a lot of time by themselves, or it might not be this black and white.
If they can relate to the former, it will be clear why they often feel this way. But, if they can relate to the latter, it won’t be as clear why they would often feel this way. Together Alone The reason for this is that they won’t spend a lot of time alone and they will have friends, so it could be said that they shouldn’t feel this way. However, what this illustrates is that it is not enough for someone to simply spend time around others. For them to feel connected, seen and supported, they will be to spend time around people that are able to attune to them. Along with this, they will need to feel comfortable enough to express how they feel and their needs. A Common Occurrence If they do have people in their life, then, they could find that they are not truly seen by most of them. What could also stand out is that they rarely open up about what is going on for them. At this point, they could believe that if the people in their life were different, they would open up. Yet, as most of them are not interested in how they feel or their needs, they would be wasting their time. A Tough Time Naturally, as they are an independent human being, they need to deeply connect with at least a few of their fellow human beings. Simply spending time in the company of others is not going to be enough. That is not to say that this won’t serve them as it is going to be better than nothing but it will be a poor replacement. To use an analogy; they will be living on scrapes as opposed to having nutritious meals. The Outcome Not receiving what they need is going to deprive them of the nutrients that they need to be at their best. As a result of this, in addition to feeling alone, ignored and unsupported, they might often feel down and very low. They are going to be desperate to be around people who are able to emotionally connect to them and who they feel safe enough to open up to. One thing that they may do to change how they feel is to eat or drink. Not the Same If they do eat food, this will probably allow them to feel better for a little while. Yet, before long, they will soon come crashing back down to earth and face to face with how depriving their life is. And, as they will have felt better, albeit artificially, it might be harder for them to handle what is going on. Undoubtedly, they are going to be desperate for their life to change, so that they no longer have to spend as much time running on empty. Confusion If this is how their life has been for as long as they can remember, they might wonder if their life will ever change. But, if their life has been this way for a very long time, this is to be expected. To understand why they are experiencing life in this way, it will be a good idea for them to think about what their early years were like. The reason is that their adult life is probably a continuation of what took place at this stage of their life was like. Back In Time During this period of their life, one or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to them. Consequently, this would have deprived them of the attunement that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, Not being seen and provided with the love and support that they needed would have deeply wounded them. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed the pain they were in and they would have lost touch with their true self. The Meaning As they were powerless and dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on and had to adapt to a dysfunctional environment. Not only this, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs, feelings and themselves were bad. Many, many years will have passed sign this stage of their life, but as a number of their needs were rarely if ever met and ended up being repressed, they will still be looking for what they missed out on. This is then why they will have unconsciously recreated a life where they are deprived of the attunement that they need. A New Chapter For them to leave this barren existence behind, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and unmet developmental needs to experience. By engaging in this process, they will finally be able to meet their adult need to be seen and heard. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Fear Of Abandonment: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Have A Fear Of Being Abandoned?14/2/2023
Although someone can have a fear of being left, it doesn’t mean that they will be consciously aware of this. Even so, this can still be a fear that will have a massive impact on their life.
So, from outside of their couscous awareness, this fear is likely to define how they generally behave. For one thing, they might rarely if ever be single, with them having spent just about everyone moment of their adult life in a relationship. No Standards This could mean that they have been with a number of people that were not right for them. They might have been with a number of people that were abusive and/or were not a good match. If this is the case, it is not going to be a surprise as their priority will be to not be alone, not to find someone that is a good match for them. As a result of this, their need to be with someone that treated them well and/or was right for them would have been denied. Right Now If they are not currently in a relationship, then, it might not be long until they are. After they have met someone who they are attracted to, they might soon take the next step and end up in a relationship with them. Naturally, their need to have someone that is there for them, to stop them from being alone, is going to make them move fast. It might also not take long until they end up moving in together. No Empty Space And, if they are not with their partner or at work, they could spend time with a friend or friends. Therefore, they are seldom going to spend time by themselves and, if they do, they could soon feel anxious. During this time, to settle themselves down, they could end up messaging or calling a friend. This could be something that takes place so fast that they have very little if any time to acknowledge the fact that they are anxious. Another Scenario Alternatively, someone could have a fear of being left but it doesn’t mean that they will typically be in a relationship. There is a chance that they haven’t ever been in a relationship before. This is not to say that they won’t have any friends, though. If someone is in this position, they could keep their fear of being alone at bay by not being too far away from others and not too close to them. Another Part What can also help them to manage how they feel, deep down, is for them to live on the surface of themselves. By having people around them but not being emotionally close to them and being in a disconnected state, they will be able to keep this fear out of their conscious awareness. For them, unlike the person above, they are likely to also have a fear of being smothered that stops them from getting too close to others. Yet, for the person above, they can still have a fear of being smothered but if they do, it won’t be as extreme. What’s going on? Now, if someone who has a fear of being left was to become aware of this, they could wonder what is going on. Most likely, this will be seen as a time when they won’t just be left but when their life will come to an end. Like a powerless and dependent child, then, they won’t be able to do anything about what takes place and this is why they will die. With this in mind, it is to be expected that not being with someone or getting too far away from others and being in a disconnected state would cause them to experience a fair amount of anxiety. A Warning This anxiety will be there to let them know that something bad is about to happen. However, as they are an adult and are not a powerless and dependent child, it could be said that there is no reason for them to be this way. If they are not with another person or close to others, it is unlikely that they would die. This should be a time when they are able to both soothe themselves and appreciate their own company. Going Deeper What this may illustrate is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were often left by their parent or parents. This may have been the case practically from the moment they were born. Being abandoned would then have been normal, and this would have caused them to be deeply wounded. To handle this pain, their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have disconnected from themselves. The Past Is Present Considering this, what they fear will happen if they are not in a relationship or close to others and in a disconnected state will be something that has already happened. But, as they were unable to fully experience how they felt during their formative years and integrate it, it will be seen as something that will happen. For them to put the past behind them and no longer fear something that has already happened, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for someone to hide how they feel, with their true feelings also being a mystery to them. Therefore, not only will the people in their life not know what is going on for them, they themselves are also not going to know what is going on for them.
This can mean that they will typically come across as though nothing fazes them. In reality, this is just going to be an act and an act that is so much a part of them that it won’t stand out to others or themselves. Missing Out Not expressing what is going on for them and truly being seen as a result, is going to have a negative impact on them. For example, they could often feel down and drained, with this being a time when it is harder for them to maintain their act. To continue to behave in the same way, they could end up consuming something or engaging in a certain activity. What this will do is allow them to change their inner state by pushing down the information that is trying to break through to their conscious mind. A Trigger If they were to end up in a relationship, this could be a time when it will become to them clear that they are not aware of how they feel. What could soon stand out is that it is hard for them to connect how they feel about their partner and, thus, they are not going to be able to express how they feel either. As a result, this is going to make it hard for them to form a close bond with them and for the relationship to progress. At this point, they could wonder why they don’t have a strong connection with their feelings and are unable to freely express them. Nothing New If they were to look back on their life, they may find that they have been this way for a very long time. They might even struggle to think of a time in their life when they were different. What might then enter their mind is that they were simply born this way and that there is very little that they can do. They are then going to have to put up with being this way for the rest of their life. An Exercise If they were to try to connect with how they feel, this could be a time when their mind goes blank. Then again, if they were able to connect with how they feel and thought about expressing these feelings with another, they might soon feel anxious. This will show that they don’t expect another person to respond in a supportive and accepting manner. From this, what will stand out is that they don’t feel safe enough to express how they feel. A Bizarre Scenario Having feelings is part of the human experience, so they should be in tune with them and feel comfortable expressing them. As this is not the case, it is likely to show that their early years were not very nurturing. If they were to think about this stage of their life, they might not be able to remember a great deal. What this can show is that their brain has blocked out what took place to allow them to keep it together and function. Going Deeper Practically from the moment they were born, they might have often been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. Expressing themselves would then have come to be seen as something that would cause them to be abandoned and die. What took place would have been personalised as they were egocentric at this stage of their life. But, although they would have taken how they were treated to heart, it wouldn’t have had anything to do with them; it would have been a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their caregivers. Self-Alienation To handle the pain of being left and not having a number of their needs met on a consistent basis if at all, they would have gradually gone into shut down, disconnected, frozen and collapsed state. Adapting in this way and losing touch with themselves in the process was the only way for them to survive. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to change what was going on externally. Consequently, a lot of pain and unmet developmental needs will have built up inside them. A Natural Outcome Many, many years will have passed since they were a powerless and dependent infant, toddler, and child, but, thanks, primarily, to the pain that is inside them, they will still perceive life in the same way. Expressing how they feel will continue to be seen as something that will cause them to be rejected and abandoned and for their life to come to an end. Naturally, with so much at stake, it is to be expected that they will have had and still have the need to hide themselves. Hiding themselves will cause them to suffer, of course, but it will be seen as being far better than the alternative, which will be for them to die. A New Reality Facing and working through this pain and expressing their unmet developmental needs is going to take time. But, the sooner they start this process, the sooner their life will change. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Being Seen: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Believe That They Don’t Deserve To Be Seen?12/2/2023
As someone is an interdependent human being, it will be important for them to have relationships where they are seen and heard. When this takes place, not only will their physical self be seen but their inner world will also be seen.
This will take place by them opening up about how they feel, expressing their needs, and sharing what is and isn’t going well in their life. What this will do is strengthen their sense of self and have a positive effect on their well-being. The Opposite If, on the other hand, only their physical self was seen but what was going on inside them was not acknowledged by others, they wouldn’t truly be seen and heard. They could then be surrounded by people but it wouldn’t make much difference as they would feel disconnected and alone. This would weaken their sense of self and have a negative effect on their well-being. Their life is then not going to be as fulfilling as it would be and they are not going to be anything like the person that they would be. The Norm Now, if someone is in this position, it doesn’t mean that they will be aware of the fact that they are not seen by the people in their life. The reason for this is that they might have experienced life in this way for a very long time. They can then often feel drained and very low but they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. The people in their life might not know this, though, as they could typically hide what is really going on for them. An Act In general, when they are around others, they could come across as though everything is fine and appear to be happy. But, behind the mask that they wear will be someone who is missing out on the emotional nutrients that they need and is not in a good place. It is likely to get harder and harder for them to maintain this act, and there could come a point in time when they can no longer behave in this way. What could play a part in this is that they could meet someone and end up revealing their inner world to them. A Big Impact As a result of feeling comfortable in their presence, they could simply open up about how they feel and what has been troubling them. After this, it could be as if they have received something that they have needed for a very long time. Thanks to this new reference point, it will be easy for them to see why they haven’t been at their best. They will know that, in order for them to thrive, they will need to share their inner world and for their inner world to be acknowledged by others. A Hurdle Even so, the thought of being seen by others could cause them to feel uncomfortable. This could be a time when they will imagine being criticised and humiliated as opposed to being supported and accepted. Furthermore, they might not believe that they are worthy and deserving of being seen by others. Due to this, they could soon go back to behaving in the same way as they have done for many, many years. What’s going on? As they are an interdependent human being that needs to have relationships where they are seen and heard to be at their best, it can seem strange as to why they would be this way. Revealing who they are should feel comfortable and be something that they feel worthy and deserving of experiencing. If this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, it is likely to show that their early years were not very nurturing. One or both of their parents might not have been able to attune to their needs and simply saw them as an extension of themselves. A Rough Time Consequently, they would have had at least one parent that was unable to truly see them and this would have greatly wounded them. Feeling invisible, ignored, worthless, unwanted and unloved would have been normal. To handle this pain, their brain would have repressed how they felt and their developmental needs, and they would have created a disconnected false self. This false self would have been a way for them to be accepted by at least one parent who simply couldn’t accept them. The Fall Out If they were not egocentric at this stage and their brain was more developed, they wouldn’t have personalised what took place. This would have allowed them to see that there wasn’t anything wrong with their true self and that they are not worthless or unlovable. However, for them to realise this at the core of their being, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Physically, a man will be separate from his mother, but, although this will be the case, it doesn’t mean that he will act as though he is separate from her. What can be normal is for him to act as though he is part of her.
Consequently, her needs will be his needs and he will spend a lot of his time and energy meeting her needs. A number of his needs are then going to be overlooked, with him neglecting himself in the process. Totally Oblivious But, if this is just what is normal, he is unlikely to realise that he is out of balance. Therefore, he will continue to behave in this way and unless something takes place to shake him up, he is unlikely to change any time soon. At the same time, the longer that he behaves in this way, the harder it is going to be for him to keep it together and function. Naturally, as he will be neglecting himself, it is going to take its toll on him. The Other Side Thanks to how he behaves, his mother is going to have a son that acts more like her slave than her child. He will do a lot for her, with her being more like his child than his parent. Yet, even though he will be overly focused on her, she might not be aware of the fact that he is out of balance. Deep down, she could believe that he is simply her possession and that his sole purpose is to meet her needs. No Shame Thus, it is highly unlikely that she will feel bad for how she is behaving let alone encourage him to change his behaviour. So, just as a child is unlikely to feel bad for having a parent that is there for them, she won’t feel bad for having an adult child whose life revolves around her. She might often tell others how good her son is and spend a lot of time building him up. Then again, she could often tell others that her son doesn’t do enough for her and make out that he is eschewing his responsibilities. It’s Clear Either way, it is not going to occur to her that he has his own needs and life to lead and that he is not merely an extension of her. It could be said that the sooner he wakes up and is able to see that he is out of balance, the better. Ultimately, he won’t be able to get the time back that he has lost and he is not going to live forever. But, if something was to happen that did allow him to see clearly, his life is unlikely to simply change. Conflict He could end up in a position where part of him has the need to change his behaviour, whilst another, stronger part of him doesn’t. This stronger part of him will want to continue to behave in the same way. Based on what is going on inside him, it will be as though he is supposed to be there for his mother and neglect himself. Going against this part of him and asserting himself can cause him to feel anxious and fearful. A Strange Scenario If he was to step back at this point, he could struggle to understand why being there for his mother feels comfortable and being there for himself feels uncomfortable. This wouldn’t be an issue if he didn’t have his own needs and life to lead, but he does. What this is likely to illustrate is that his early years were a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed to go through each developmental stage. The reason for this is that his mother is likely to have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs. Role Reversal Instead of seeing him as an individual, attuning to his needs and typically meeting his needs, then, he would have had to adapt to her. If he did express his needs, he might have ended up being punished, disapproved of, rejected and/or abandoned. Due to this and the pain that he experienced by expressing himself, he would have soon lost touch with his true self and developed a disconnected false self. Under this false self would have been an emotional self that was totally underdeveloped. Stunted If he was born whole and complete, it wouldn’t have mattered how his mother treated him. But, as he wasn’t, it is it be expected that he would have stayed in an emotionally dependent state. By being in this state, his survival will still be attached to his mother and therefore, he will have the need to please her. Unless this changes, he is not going to be able to freely express himself. Moving Forward Throughout his early years, the pain that he experienced would have been repressed. Facing and working through this pain will play a big part in what will allow him to truly put the past behind him. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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