False Self: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone’s True Self To Be Dominated By Their False Self?9/2/2023
While someone’s life can be an expression of their needs and feelings, it can also be an expression of the needs and feelings of others. When it relates to the former, this will be their real self, and, when it relates to the latter, this will be their unreal self.
Naturally, when someone’s life is an expression of their needs and feelings, it is going to be far more fulfilling than it would be otherwise. Needless to say, doing what other people want is not going to allow them to have a very enriching life. The Norm But, although this will be the case, someone can be out of touch with themselves and not be aware of it. Doing what other people want is then going to be normal and this won’t stand out. Furthermore, they can come across as though they are happy and are on the right path, so to speak. From the outside, it will seem as if they are in tune with themselves and are doing what is right for them. Not an Act When they are by themselves, they could also be happy and pleased with how their life is going. In this case, they are not going to be putting on an act when they are around others and dropping this act when they are alone; this act will have consumed them. If there are moments when they feel down or frustrated, they could soon do something that will push this feedback out of their conscious awareness. This could be something that takes place so fast that they won’t even be aware of what they are doing. One Area When it comes to what they do for a living, then, this could be something that allows them to receive a fair amount of approval. They could often be told, by their clients or customers, that they are a good person and are selfless. A number of their family members and friends could also often tell them that they are a good person. The feedback that they receive from others is going to play a part in keeping their true feelings and needs at bay. The Same Position If they are in a romantic relationship, they are likely to be with someone that is also out of touch with themselves. Due to this, they are going to have a very surface-level connection. Two false selves will be validating each other and helping to keep the other's false self in place and true self at bay. Therefore, if it appears to be the perfect relationship, this will be nothing more than a facade. Breaking Through However, as the years go by, it is likely to get harder for them to keep their true feelings and needs at bay. The reason for this is that their defences are likely to break and the other part of them, their real self, will start to break through. What could play a part in this is a breakup, the loss of a job, or an illness. Their false self will still be there at this point, keeping the true self at bay but it won’t be as effective at doing this as it was before. Confusion Sooner or later, they could wonder why they are behaving in a way that is not truly serving them. They could also find it hard to understand how it was possible for them to be out of touch with themselves for so long and not realise it. What they do for a living could enter their mind and they could find that they are doing something that doesn’t really interest them. If they are in a relationship, they could see that it might make them look good but it doesn’t do much else. What’s going on? When it comes to why they were unable to realise what was going on for so long, this could be because they had to lose touch with themselves very early on. Practically from the moment they were born, one or both of their parents might not have truly been able to be there for them. Instead, they might have been forced to play a role and be there for their parent or parents. Their real feelings and a number of their needs would then have been covered up. A False Self What would have been placed on top of their true self would have been a self that was built over many years. This self would have been outer-directed and its priority would have been to please their parent or parents. Focusing on their needs and doing what they could to please them would have been the only way for them to survive. Expressing themselves, on the other hand, would have caused them to suffer and be a threat to their survival. Life or Death There are still likely to have been moments when they were rejected and abandoned. So, taking into account how it was for them very early on, it is not going to be a surprise that their false self has had such a strong need to outmuscle their true self. It won’t have done this to make them suffer; it will have done this to protect them. It won’t have mattered that they were no longer a powerless and dependent child as a big part of them won’t have and still won’t realise this. Awareness It will be a case of gradually phasing this false self out and their true self in. This will take courage and patience and persistence. If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If a man is out with his friends, he can typically be easy-going and happy to go along with whatever another person wants to do. He is then going to go along to get along and he will rarely assert himself.
It might not be much different when he is at work, as he could be just as compliant and seldom stand up for himself. And, when it comes to what he does for a living, this could be something that he more or less fell into as opposed to something that he consciously chose to do. The Same Story Now, if he is in a relationship, he might not be much different, with his partner being the one that makes most of the decisions. She can then put an idea forward and he will go along with it. Based on what their relationship is like, he can be more like his partners son than her equal. As a result of this, she could often complain about how he doesn’t take the initiative and plan anything or stand up for himself. Dominated There may also be moments when she heavily criticises him and treats him like he has no value. But, even if this does take place, he could simply tolerate what is going on and not change his behaviour. If this is what does take place, it will be clear that his partner doesn’t respect or value him. However, as she has ended up with a man that lacks backbone, she may believe, deep down, that she only has two options when she is in a relationship; either she is dominated or she dominates. A Doormat If so, she was probably brought up by at least one parent who was abusive and didn’t respect her boundaries. Anyway, as he behaves in this way, he is likely to spend a lot of time feeling frustrated and down. Yet, as he will be continually mistreated by others and he won’t do anything about it, how else would he be? He might not believe that he can do anything about what is going on, though, seeing this as just how his life is. An Exercise If he was to imagine standing his ground and not putting up with bad behaviour or simply expressing a desire to do something else, he could soon feel anxious. It is then going to be as if his very survival is under threat. Taking this into account, it will make complete sense as to why he has the tendency to act like a non-entity. Something that shouldn’t be a big deal, in general, will be seen as something that would bring his life to an end. A Deeper Look If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, it could show that his early years were anything but nurturing. This may have been a stage of his life when his father and perhaps his mother were abusive. He would have often been physically harmed by someone who was far bigger and more powerful. Instead of being a source of guidance and protection, then, his father would have been a source of fear and terror and greatly undermined him. Totally Helpless But, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. If he was being mistreated by someone at school, for instance, it would have been different. The person who was supposed to look after him would have been the one who was mistreating him, leaving him with nowhere to turn. To handle what was going on then, he would have had to go into a shut down, disconnected state and create a false self. Another Element Furthermore, as he would have had to lose touch with his aggression, he would have become passive and timid. Having to submit to his own father and perhaps mother, set him up to submit to others and those in authority. Being easy-going and not standing up for himself would have been something that automatically took place. If he had stood up for himself, he probably would have ended up being harmed even more. A natural outcome His early years would have filled him with fear and terror and made him believe that he could only survive by acting like an extension of others. How he behaves is then not a reflection of his true self, it is a reflection of how he had to behave to handle a brutal stage of his life. Due to what he went through, he is likely to carry a lot of pain and many unmet developmental needs. Working through this pain is going to take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What can be normal is for a man to be out of touch with how he feels and to be in a collapsed physical state. Due to this, he can typically go through the motions in life, not feeling alive or as though his life has much meaning.
But, if he has been this way for a very long time, he might not realise that he doesn’t have a strong connection with his feelings or that he is generally in a low place. Yet, if this is just what is normal, why would it stand out? One Area When it comes to what he does for a living, then, he could do something that may simply pay the bills. If so, it is not going to be something that he finds fulfilling and he might have been doing the same thing for many, many years. One he is at work, he could hope the day passes as quickly as possible and dread having to go back the next day. Although he will probably look forward to the weekend, he is likely to know that it won’t be long until another week begins. Another As for his relationships, he might not have any close friends, with the people in his life being more like associates. If this is the case, he is likely to have a very lonely existence. The people in his life might not treat him very well either, and he might often be walked over and taken advantage of. This can show that he doesn’t have a strong backbone and value himself. One More If he is in a romantic relationship, he could be with a woman that is not overly present and doesn’t treat him very well. Still, if the relationship came to an end, he could end up being in a bad way. At the same time, he might not be in a relationship but may have still suffered when his last relationship came to an end. That is, of course, if he has been in at least one relationship. A Strange Scenario If he was to take a step back and reflect on this life, he might end up wondering why he doesn’t have a good connection with his feelings, spends so much time in a low state, lacks backbone and doesn’t value himself. He may find that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. This will be why it has taken him however long to be able to acknowledge how he experiences life. At this point, he could be sick and tired of merely existing and want to live a life that is worth living. Going Deeper He may experience life in this way due to what took place during his formative years, with this being a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. His mother may have largely been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for him. Along with this, she may have been physically and verbally abusive and often left him. As for his father, he might not have been around or he might have also been emotionally unavailable and abusive. The Outcome As a result, he would have seldom if ever been seen by his mother and provided with the attunement and warmth that he needed. Thanks to this, he would have often felt ignored, unwanted, worthless and unloved. But, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. Not only this, he would have personalised what took place as he was egocentric at this stage of his life. Deeply Wounded Naturally, in addition to being deprived of what he needed, he would have experience a lot of pain. This pain, and his developmental needs, would have ended up being repressed by his brain. Consequently, he would have gone into a shut down state and disconnected from himself, developing a false self in the process. He would then have continued to be hurt but he wouldn’t have been aware of it. A Build Up Many, many layers of pain will have ended up building up inside him and, now that he is an adult, he will continue to carry most if not all of this pain. If he was to get back into his body and reconnect to how he feels, he could come into contact with a lot of anger and rage, hopelessness and helplessness, and a lot of hurt. To put the past behind him, he will most likely need to face and work through this pain. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It is part of the human experience for someone to spend time asleep and time awake. One way of looking at this would be to say that they will then spend part of their life being and part of their life doing.
At the same time, this wouldn’t be completely accurate as there will need to be moments when they are able to just be when they are awake. By being able to do this, they will be able to relax and recharge. The Main Point What this lustrates is that they are a human being, not a human doing, which is why they are not here to act like a robot. But, even if they were a robot, they would still need to be recharged and repaired every now and then, taking away their ability to do anything. It is by being able to just be, that they will have the strength and the energy that they need to really do. Having both of these sides, then, will allow them to behave in a balanced manner and decrease their chances of burning themselves out. Another Reality Hoverer, while having both of these abilities is essential when it comes to living a fulfilling life, it doesn’t mean that everyone on this planet is in this position. What can be normal is for someone to spend most of their life in doing mode. As a result of this, practically from the moment they wake up, they could be on the go and this can be how they are until the moment they go to bed. If it was an option, they might not even go to bed. Their Outlook What they could say, if they were asked why they are practically always on the go, is that life is too short to sit around. They could also say that they have so much to do and if they slow down, they won’t get everything done. If they were to see people who do take it easy now and then or who don’t work very hard, they could end up judging them. They could say to themselves that these people are wasting their life or are lazy. No Different And, if they were to go on holiday or just took some time off, it is highly unlikely that they would truly be able to let go and relax. If they were able to change their inner state, it could be something that takes place artificially. For example, after having a few glasses of alcohol, they might be able to feel more at ease. In this case, part of them will feel more at ease, while another part of them will still be just as tense as they were before. One Mode Like a car that only has one gear, they will also only have one gear. If they are not functioning at this level, they will soon feel agitated and will feel compelled to go back to how they were before. Yet, regardless of whether or not this allows them to achieve a lot, there is likely to be a point when they are unable to behave in this way. This could be because they end up exhausted or they might have a breakdown. Resistance Still, this doesn’t mean that they will just be able to accept what is going on and will no longer have the need to do as much. They can still feel the need to behave in the same way. Being unable to do as much can cause them to feel very low and perhaps, deeply depressed. It will be clear that how they were behaving is not serving them but for some reason, they won’t feel as good as they did before. What’s going on? If they have been in doing mode for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. One or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for them. This would then have been a time when they were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Not receiving what they needed would have greatly wounded them. Hidden This pain, along with a number of their needs, would have ended up being repressed. But, although their need to be loved would have been pushed out of their conscious awareness, it would still have had an impact on their life. To help keep this pain at bay and for them to try to be loved by their parent or parents, they would have gone into doing mode. What would have played a part in this is that they would have personalised what took place as they were egocentric. A Futile pursuit By blaming themselves for how their parent or parents behaved, they would have believed that if they tried hard enough, they would finally be loved. If they faced up to the fact that their parent or parents were simply unable to love them, this would be too much for them to handle. How they feel, when they are not in doing mode, will be how they felt when they were not loved very early on. For them to put their struggle for love to an end and be able to just be, they will need to face the pain that they were unable to fully feel all those years ago. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother Wounds: Can A Man Believe That He Is Not Enough For A Woman If He Had An Unavailable Mother?5/2/2023
What a man may find, if he was to step back and reflect on his life, is that he doesn’t believe that he is enough for a woman. As a result of this, he might not have ever been in a relationship and, if he has, it might not have lasted for very long.
However, even if he is aware of this, it might not be possible for him to see a way out of the invisible prison that he is living in. Naturally, as he will want to be with a woman, and feel that he is enough for her, this is going to cause him to suffer. A Battle Still, this doesn’t mean that he hasn’t put in a lot of effort to try to feel as though he is enough for a woman. But, for so long, this might have been something that took place without him being aware of what was driving him. He would then have been driven by his need to be enough for a woman but this won’t have been something that he was consciously aware of. After doing so much for so long, he could be sick and tired of not getting very far. Looking Closer If he was to think about what he was done over the years, in order to be enough for a woman, his mind could be flooded with things. He might have put a lot of effort into his appearance and thus, spent a lot of money on clothes and time at the gym. Along with this, he might have become more successful, earning more money and attaining more material items in the process. There is also a chance that he has spent many, many hours approaching and speaking to different women. A Feedback Look But, even if he has only done a few of these things as well as others, he won’t have been able to get very far. In fact, as he has done things to change his circumstances and these things haven’t worked, it is likely to have validated how he sees himself. This is because he will have done a number of the ‘right’ things and this will have been seen as evidence that, no matter what he does, he is still not enough. Over time, then, he is likely to have felt more and more hopeless and helpless. A Deep Hole With this in mind, if he is in a deep hole right now and can’t see a way out, it is not going to be a surprise. After doing so much and not making much headway, it would be a surprise if a big part of him wasn’t in a place of despair. If he was to thank about how long his life has been this way, he could find that it goes back to when he was at school. Consequently, he could come to the conclusion that he was born this way and that his life will always be the same. What’s going on? One thing that is likely to shed light on why he has this sense he is not enough for a woman is what took place during his formative years. If he was to think about this stage of his life, though, he might not be able to remember a great deal. He could say to himself that his early years weren’t that bad and that there are plenty of people that had it far worse. If he was to think about what his relationship was like with this mother, he could also say to himself that it wasn’t that bad and that she did the best she could, for instance. Going Deeper Nonetheless, while this is what he may say to himself, it doesn’t mean that it is an accurate assessment of this stage of his life. This stage of his life may have been anything but nurturing but, as his conscious mind will have blocked out most of what took place, it will prevent him from realising this. There is a strong chance that he had a mother who wasn’t able to truly be there for him and give him the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. In addition to being emotionally unavailable, she might have been critical, physically abusive and neglectful. Wide Open Her inability to be present and loving was most likely a sign of how wounded she was, but, as he was egocentric at this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have been able to realise this. He would then have come to believe that how he was treated was a sign that he was worthless, unlovable and not enough. The other part of this is that he would have believed that if he was worthy, lovable and enough, he would have been loved. The pain that this would have caused him would have ended up being repressed, along with a number of his needs. A Struggle Although his mother was unable to love him and his need to be loved would have been repressed, this would still have had an impact on his life. He would have continued to try to be loved, with him developing a disconnected false self and perhaps becoming a people pleaser. As his mother was unable to love him, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did. What he needed wasn’t on available but it would have been too painful for him to face reality and to see his mother clearly. Drawing the Line For him to put his struggle for love to an end and realise that he is enough, he is likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk False Self: Can Someone Need To Let Go Of Their Parents Projections If They Were Abused As A Child?4/2/2023
When it comes to how someone experiences life, how they see themselves will have a big impact. However, they might not even think about how they see themselves and, even if they do, this could just be seen as who they are.
If, then, they have an empowering view of themselves, this is not going to matter. But, if they have a disempowering view of themselves, it is likely to mean that they won’t have a very fulfilling life. Stepping Back If they were to take a step back and reflect on how they see themselves, they could find that they see themselves as someone who is worthless, incapable, useless and unlovable. As a result of this, they won’t believe that they are worthy of good things, are competent, are useful or deserve to be loved. Yet, even though this will just be how they see themselves, they could believe that this is the truth. It is then not going to be something that can be changed; it will be something that is set in stone. A Bleak Existence When they think about their life, they could find that very few areas of it are as they would like them to be. Nonetheless, they could believe that this is something that they just have to put up with. Doing their best to handle what is going on is then going to be essential and they might hope that their life will change one day. The outcome of this is that they are likely to lead a life of quiet desperation. One Area So, when it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something that is soul-destroying. They might not feel appreciated where they work and could work with a number of people who are very critical. If so, once their day comes to an end, they will be relieved but they will know that it won’t be long until they have to go back again. Consequently, if they never had to go back there again, they would be happy. Another Area They might not have many friends but if they do, they could be more like associates. This will prevent them from receiving the support that they need but they are not going to believe that they deserve to be supported. If they are in a romantic relationship, they could be with someone who greatly undermines them. Therefore, this person will validate how they see themselves, strengthening their disempowering idea of themselves in the process. The Norm Now, although just about every area of their life and a big part of their inner world might validate how they see themselves, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. What will also make it hard for them to realise this is if their life has been this way for as long as they can remember. Together, all of these elements will combine to make them believe that how they see themselves is the absolute truth. Most likely, they are this was primarily because of what took place during their formative years. Back In Time During this stage of their life, they may have had at least one parent who was anything but nurturing. In addition to being physically, verbally and emotionally abused, they might have also been left. As opposed to being treated like someone who was valuable and lovable, they would have been treated as though they are totally worthless and unlovable. This would have deprived them of the nutrients that they needed to go through each developmental stage. Two Parts On the one hand, this would have caused them to experience a lot of pain and, on the other, as they were egocentric, how they were treated would have been personalised. This pain would have been repressed by their brain to allow them to keep it together and function and the meaning that was made by their undeveloped brain would have played a big part in how they would see themselves. Due to how underdeveloped they were at this stage, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to see that their parent was deeply wounded and that was why they were being mistreated. Thanks to this, this parent was unable to see them clearly and could only see the parts of themselves that they had disowned being mirrored back to them. Filled With Darkness In all likelihood, this parent was also abused during their early years, and, as they were unable to heal any of their own wounds, for whatever reason, they ended up passing on what was done to them. Thus, their parent or parents would have projected their badness into them and they would have projected their badness into their own child. What this illustrates is that how they see themselves has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the fact that, as they were defenceless, they absorbed what their parent or parents were unable to acknowledge and face within themselves. With this in mind, they will need to let go of what doesn’t belong to them. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man was to end up in a relationship with a woman who he is very fond of and is starting to love, it doesn’t mean that every part of him will be on board with this relationship. Along with the part of him that feels that he is doing the right thing, can be another part that feels as though he is doing something wrong.
This part of him can cause him to feel guilty, ashamed and anxious, and, due to how strong it is, he could start to question if he is doing the right thing. Still, he could do his best to forget about this part and carry on as normal. Keeping His own Counsel If he was to think about telling his partner about what is going on for him, he could soon decide that it is best if he keeps it to himself. He could believe that if he opens up about this, it will lead to a negative outcome. At first, he might be able to carry on as normal but, it might not be long until he starts to change. Yet, thanks to the fact that he probably won’t consciously choose to change, he might not notice this. One Part As the days, weeks and perhaps months pass, he could gradually become less available. So, in addition to not being as present when he is around her, he might not be as physically available either, with him having more things to do than usual. If so, being less present and distracted when he is around her and not spending as much time with her will be a way for him to handle the conflict that is inside him. Whereas if he was as present as he was before and spent as much time around her, it would be harder for him to handle how he feels. A Reaction Most likely, his partner will soon notice that he has changed and she could end up taking it personally. This can then be a time when she will believe that he is starting to lose interest in her. Alternatively, she might just wonder what is going on and talk to him directly about how he has changed. If she takes this route, she might not get very far, with him denying that he has changed. One Outcome Now, assuming that she does do this and he is unable to acknowledge that he has changed, it might not be long until their relationship comes to an end. But, as his behaviour will say that he is no longer as interested and his words will say that he is just as interested as he was before, it is not going to be a surprise. Quite simply, his partner will probably want to be with a man who is both there for her and has a certain level of self-awareness. If it does come to an end before long, he could feel relieved and deeply sad. Confusion If he is aware of how he felt at the beginning of his relationship and after this point, he could struggle to understand how something that should have felt right, felt wrong. He is then going to feel more at ease but the sadness and sense of helplessness that he may experience will stop him from being at peace. This could be the first time that he has had this experience or he might have had this experience on more than one occasion. If he has had this experience more than once, he could believe that there is something wrong with him and that he will always be this way. What’s going on? There is a chance that he had these irrational feelings due to what took place during his formative years. This may have been a time when his mother saw him as her possession and he was then there to meet her needs. Therefore, whenever he expressed himself, he might have typically been punished, disapproved of, rejected and/or abandoned. This would have sent him the message that his needs and himself were bad, and it would have caused him to become estranged from his true self. A Natural outcome As a result of the experiences that he had, at the most important developmental stage of his life, it is to be expected that he would feel unconformable when he expresses himself. Ultimately, he won’t be doing anything wrong but as he was made to feel that expressing himself was wrong, it will have conditioned him to believe that expressing himself was wrong. And, when he is in a relationship with a woman, it will be as though he is betraying his mother or his owner and, thus, he will feel guilty and ashamed. He will have been brought up to be there for his mother, to please her, not to see himself as a separate human being that has his own life to lead. Drawing the line The truth is that he was not and is not his mother’s possession; in the words of Khalil Gibran, he came through her, not from her. If anything, his mother betrayed him by not truly being there for him. For him to be able to live his life without feeling as though he is doing anything wrong, he is likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotional Needs: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Emotional Needs?2/2/2023
Although someone is likely to have been connected to and expressed their emotional needs when they were a child, it doesn’t mean that this will be the case now that they are an adult. In general, their emotional needs could be a mystery and, naturally, this will stop them from expressing them.
When it comes to their emotional needs, this will relate to their need to be seen and heard, touched, appreciated, and supported. These are then needs that will be met primarily through intimate relationships. The Norm But, if they are generally not connected to their emotional needs, they might not have the need to have any intimate relationships. In fact, they could spend a lot of time by themselves. And, if there are people in their life, they could be more like associates than close friends. When they are around these people, then, they could typically talk about surface-level things such as what is taking place in the media. Things over People When they are by themselves, they could spend a lot of time in front of a screen. This can be a time when they will watch films, read and talk to people online. Every now and then, they could feel drained and low, but, as they don’t realise that a number of their needs are not being met, they probably won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. Instead, they could believe that there is just something wrong with them. Avoidance When they do experience pain, they could end up consuming something in order to cover up how they feel. This pain will then be pushed out of their conscious awareness, at least for a short while. There could come a point in time, though, when it is not possible for them to deny how they really feel. If they arrive at this point, they could end up paying a visit to their doctor. A Misdiagnosis If this was to take place, they could be told that they are suffering from depression and might end up being put on medication. This might allow them to go back to how they were before but to no longer feel low. Before long, that’s if this approach helps them, they could find that they don’t feel any better. If, after this, they were to reach out for external support and spoke about their life, they could end up being told that they are suffering because they are being deprived of the human contact that they need. Resistance Although they are being deprived of human contact and are suffering as a result, they might not readily accept what is being said. They could say that they don’t need others and are happy spending time by themselves. What this will show is that even though part of them does need human contact, there is another, stronger part of them that is not willing to accept this. This other part of them will then be dominating the other part of them and thereby, stopping them from being able to connect to let alone express their emotional needs. Confusion If they were to look back on their life, they may see that there have been moments when they expressed their need for human contact and ended up being rejected. The pain that they experienced when this happened would then have played a big part in why they seldom do this. During such moments, they may have felt hopeless, helpless, and worthless and even wanted their life to end. Due to this, it is to be expected that they would typically live as though they are an independent human being that doesn’t need others. What’s going on? If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. One or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them, with them often being rejected, ignored and abandoned. The roles would then have been reversed, with them having to meet some of their parent or parents needs. Being of the love that they needed to be able to grow and develop would have deeply wounded them and prevented them from being able to go through each developmental stage. The Outcome As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to do anything about what was going on. Their only option was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs and create a disconnected false self. They would have had to leave their body and to live up top, to handle what was going on. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs and themselves were bad. The Truth In reality, their needs and their true self are not bad or shameful. How they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents and perhaps any else who wounded them at this stage of their life. For them to realise this, at the core of their being, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone is not a child, it doesn’t mean that they will feel like a strong and capable adult. But, if experiencing life in this way is just a normal part of their life, they might not be aware of this.
Another part of this is that they might both consciously and unconsciously do what they can to avoid how they feel. Nonetheless, how they feel is still going to have a big impact on how they experience life. A Passive State Due to how they feel, they are likely to spend a lot of time sitting around and not doing a great deal. If they do do something, it could typically be because if they don’t, there will be a negative consequence. This can relate to them having to go to work, needing to buy food or having an appointment. Their need to survive is then going to play a big part in why something like this will spur them into action. Another Factor Other than doing something out of their need to survive, what could also get them moving is if a friend or family member asks them if they would like to do something. By having another person take the first step, then, they might end up taking action. What this is going to illustrate is that they don’t have much oomph and find it hard to get themselves moving. If they didn’t have to work or buy food, for instance, and no one else reached out to them, they might do very little. A Power Imbalance And, when it comes to the people in their life, these people might act more like their parents than their equals. But, even if they don’t, they are unlikely to exercise much autonomy when they are around these people. So, in addition to them generally being the ones who plan things, they could also make a lot of their decisions. They could even believe that these people know what is best for them. Flowing By What is clear is that the years of their life will be going by and they won’t be making the most of them. Based on how they live, it will be as though they are going to live forever. With this in mind, the sooner that they are able to take life by the horns, so to speak, the better of they will be. It will be essential for them to be able to step back and reflect on their life. A Closer Look If they were able to mentally detach from what is going on and reflect on their life, they might wonder why their life is this way. They could see that they are often passive and it’s as though they are waiting for something to happen. If they have been this way for most of their life, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were largely deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Going Deeper Throughout this key stage of their life, they might have often been neglected and perhaps physically harmed and verbally put down. By having at least one parent who was not emotionally available and able to truly be there for them, not only would their developmental needs have not been met but they would have experienced a lot of pain. These needs, along with this pain, would have ended up being repressed by their brain. The years would then have passed and their physical and mental self will have grown, but their emotional self won’t have. An Endless Search At an emotional level, they will still be looking for their parent or parents to be there for them. When it comes to their unmet developmental needs, they can have the need to be cared for, held, seen and heard, and supported. The trouble is that this underdeveloped part of them will cause them to end up in situations that are very similar to their early experiences, in the hope that this time it will be different. Ultimately, this struggle for love will be a way for this part of them to avoid facing the fact that they were not loved by their parent or parents and they will never be loved by them. Drawing the Line For them to no longer wait for something that will never happen, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. This can be a time when they will feel angry, hopeless, helpless and deeply hurt. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In general, someone could spend a lot of time working, having very little time for anything else. It doesn’t mean that this is something that will cross their mind, though, as it could just be what is normal.
And, if they ever do think about how much time they spend working, they could end up justifying how they behave. They could say to themselves that being this way is better than being lazy and/or that they have so much to achieve. A Similar Response If another person was to say to them that they work too much, they could end up telling them the same thing. What this is likely to show is that as far as they are concerned, there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. But, while they could be used to being told that they spend too much time working, they could also receive a lot of positive feedback from others. They could often be seen as someone who is living in the right way and as an example to follow. A natural outcome Yet, as they are likely to live in a society that is full of people that spend a lot of time working and working hard, this is to be expected. In this society, there can typically be seen as two options, either someone works hard or they are lazy. The more time someone spends working and the harder they work, then, the more likely they are to be approved of by certain people. Needless to say, their life is unlikely to change any time soon. Out of balance Still, as they spend so much time working and work so hard, other areas of their life are going to be neglected. So, they might not eat very well and, even if they do, they might not exercise. Along with this, they might not have any real friends or be in a romantic relationship. Or, if they are in a romantic relationship and perhaps have children, both their partner and their children are going to be overlooked. A Break If they were to go on holiday or simply took some time off, it is highly unlikely that they would be able to truly relax. This is likely to be a time when they will be thinking about what they haven’t done and are incredibly agitated. Thus, it won’t matter if they are a few miles away from where they work or a few thousand miles away as they will be edgy. Once they are back working, then, they are likely to feel more at ease. Stepping Back After a while, they could get to the stage where they are unable to behave in this way any longer. This could be because they no longer have the energy to behave in this way and/or their health could be in a very bad way. Alternatively, they could experience some kind of loss that makes them sit back and reflect on their life. Irrespective of what has happened, behaving in this way is no longer going to appeal to them and they will want their life to change. A Closer Look In addition to the need that they have to change, there is likely to be another part of them that wants to carry on behaving in the same way. If so, they are going to be experiencing inner conflict. Now, if they were to imagine that they have stopped working as much and started to work smart, not hard, they could feel relieved. However, before long, they could end up feeling very low. What’s going on? At this point, they could struggle to understand why living a more balanced life would cause them to feel this way. If they have behaved in this way for as long as they can remember, there is a chance they were deprived of the love that they needed during their early years. By working, they will have been trying to receive the love that they missed out on all those years ago. But, as this will have been something that was taking place outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t have realised what was going on. It's over The trouble is that as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that other people are not their parents, it will be too late. This is why they will have had the need to work so much and so hard for so long and nothing will have taken this need away, as love from other adults won’t make up for their early derivation. Not receiving the love that they needed would have caused them to be deeply wounded and experience a lot of pain. This pain and their unmet development needs would have ended up being repressed. Drawing the Line For them to put their unconscious search for love to an end, they are going to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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