What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they find it hard to believe in themselves. By being this way, it is not going to matter if they are good at something as they won’t be able to accept it.
Along with this, if they have made a plan to do something, they could spend a lot of time wondering if it will work out. Ultimately, they simply won’t be able to accept that it will work out and, if it doesn’t, they will be able to handle it. One Consequence Naturally, being this way is going to make it hard for them to achieve their aims and move forward. Thanks to what is generally taking place inside them, then, they will struggle to feel as though they are enough and are ready. When it comes to their career, they could put in a lot of work, far more than they need to, and still question if they are ready to go to the next level, so to speak. And, if they are in a relationship, they could often wonder why their partner is with them and if they will soon leave them. Another Experience They could often come into contact with people that are full of confidence and don’t appear to carry any doubt whatsoever. One could wonder if these people have something that they themselves don’t have. At times, it might be clear that although someone like this is full of confidence and self-belief, there is no reason for them to be this way. The reason for this is that they might not know a great deal about something or have prepared properly. Left Behind They are then going to see other people move forward and they themselves will be watching their life pass them by. What could be clear is that if they were not so full of doubt, their life would be radically different. After coming to this conclusion, they could look back over the years and see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What could enter their mind is that they were born this way. A Benefit This is not to say that being this way will only cause them to suffer, though, as they may find that it has allowed them to be open-minded and to be fairly humble. If, on the other hand, they were full of self-belief, it would probably be harder for them to take in new information and to keep their feet on the ground. With this in mind, the ideal won’t be for them to not go from one side of the spectrum to the other; it will be for them to move into the middle of it. This way, they can have the belief that they need to achieve things but not be so closed off that they are unable to update their mind and stay grounded. What’s going on? Now, if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. If so, this wouldn’t have been a time when they were built up; it would have been a time when they were undermined. One or both of their parents may have often criticised and humiliated them, finding fault with just about everything that they did. It would then have been normal for them to feel useless, incapable and worthless. The Other Side And, although this parent pulled them down, they themselves might have been full of confidence. If so, they would have come across as though they were perfect and knew everything, unlike their child, and any else for that matter, who was deeply flawed and had no idea. Based on what took place, this parent would have been at the top and their child would have been at the bottom. This will illustrate that it didn’t occur to this parent that it was their responsibility to encourage, support and love their child, not to destroy them. An Odd Scenario How this parent treated them is likely to have been a reflection of how they felt deep down but were unable to acknowledge. A part of themselves that they had rejected and repressed was then projected into their child. The image that this parent projected would then have been nothing more than a facade, with them feeling totally worthless and unlovable. Most likely, they were deeply wounded during their formative years and ended up automatically creating an inflated false self to cope. The Truth What this means is that how their parent treated them during this stage of their life was not personal; it was simply a reflection of how wounded they themselves were. The trouble is that as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, it would have been seen as a reflection of them. For them to gradually move on from this stage of their life and develop a healthy self of self-belief, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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What someone may hope, if they were abused as a child, is that their parent or parents will validate what they went through. This will then be a time when one or both of their parents will be able to both hear what they say and express remorse.
But, what they may soon find is that this doesn’t take place and that they end up hitting a brick wall, so to speak. So, after talking to one of their parents about what happened, what they said could end up being dismissed. An Odd Scenario If this is what takes place, they could struggle to understand why this parent has behaved in this way. Based on how they have behaved, it could be as though it was them, not their parent who actually caused harm. The reason for this is that they may have been criticised by this parent and accused of making things up. As a result of this, they would then have expected one thing and experienced something that was very different. An Analogy It will have been as if they had written an important letter and desperately wanted another person to read it. Instead, they would have given this letter to another and it would have ended up being thrown on the floor and stamped on. After this, they could feel very low and it could be as if they have done something wrong, with them feeling guilty and ashamed. In fact, they could now be in a very deep emotional hole. The Same Old Story However, while their parent’s response will hurt them, they may find that this is not a new experience. Throughout their early years, their reality may have largely been dismissed. In other words, their thoughts, feelings, needs and perceptions would have been ignored, with them being forced to go along with what this parent wanted. Consequently, they might come to the conclusion that they were naive to expect anything else. A Hardshell After they have tried to get through to their parent on a number of occasions, what might enter their mind is that it is like they are trying to break into a secure building. It simply won’t be possible for them to get through to their parent. This parent is then not going to be wearing armour but it will be as though they are wearing something that prevents anything from getting into their mind. If they are not aware of this already, they are likely to soon realise that they are going to have to let go of their need to be seen by their parent that is unable to do this. A Helping Hand With that aside for the time being, if their parent was able to do this, they would make it easier for them to move on from what happened. The validation and compassion that they could provide would be like water poured into a dry desert. This is not to say that this alone would allow them to heal but it would be a key part of it. Along with their parent’s validation and compassion, there would still be the pain that they would need to work through, among other things. Business as Usual Yet, this is not going to happen and, just as this parent deprived them of what they needed to grow and develop during their formative years, they will deprive them of what they want, but no longer need, to be able to move forward as an adult. At this point, they could wonder why this parent is so absent and unable to truly see them. They will be their parent’s child but due to how they behave, it will be as if they are a fly that is simply an annoyance. Most likely, this parent is not in a good way mentally or emotionally and could even be brain damaged. Going Deeper Behind their strong, defensive self is likely to be someone that is full of pain and feels totally worthless and unlovable. As to why this is the case, it is probably because they themselves were also abused during their formative years and deprived of the love that they need. To handle what took place, they would have automatically created a disconnected and inflated false self, losing touch with their humanity in the process. This would have caused them to become an unfeeling human being that was more-than-human, meaning that they lost touch with their shame. The outcome By being this way, if they were to acknowledge that they were abusive, they would end up coming into contact with how they really feel deep down, below their false self. This would be a time when they would fall into a very deep hole Therefore, their inability to acknowledge what took place is not a way for them to harm their child, it is a way for them to unknowingly keep it together and function. Ultimately, they have to deny anything that goes against their inflated view of themselves and live in a fantasy or else they would be in a very bad way. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Now that someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they will have their own life. No, practically their whole life could revolve around their parent or parents, with them behaving more like their parent than their child.
Naturally, if a lot of their time and energy is being directed towards their parent, assuming it is only one, their life is going to suffer. If they had an endless amount of time and energy, this wouldn’t be the case. A Way of Life But, although they will be neglecting themselves, this might not be something that they are aware of. Thanks to how long they have behaved in this way, then, it won’t stand out. Even so, behaving in this way is likely to cause them to experience a fair amount of anger and frustration. Still, they could do their best to keep this inner material at bay and carry on as normal. Too Much To Handle If they were to face how they feel and acknowledged that they feel this way because they are neglecting themselves, they could soon feel guilty and ashamed. Due to this, they could soon suppress how they feel. As a result of how painful these feelings will be and what they believe would happen if they were to change their behaviour, they will feel compelled to avoid how they feel. These feelings will be seen as a sign that they would be doing something wrong if they changed their behaviour. Weighed Down In reality, these feelings are irrational as they should be able to put themselves first without feeling guilty or ashamed. Focusing on their parent is going to have a negative impact on them, then, but if they felt comfortable with their needs, their life would be different. Their parent could also make out, both directly and indirectly, that they are responsible for them. This could mean that they are not grateful for what they do for them and simply expect them to be there for them. Control If they were to express a need, this parent could soon say something to try to make them feel guilty. This parent could say that they ‘don’t ask for much’ or that they ‘did a lot for them when they were younger’. Based on how they often behave, it could be as if they are unable to comprehend that they have needs let alone don’t care about their needs and are consumed by their own. Consequently, one may have experienced a lot of resentment over the years and this feeling, along with the other feelings that they have suppressed and repressed over the years, could cause them to often be in a depressed state. An Object What is clear from this is that their parent is unable to accept that they are a separate individual who has their own needs and feelings and life to lead. One is then going to be seen as nothing more than an extension of them. If this is so, the only way that they are going to be able to live a life that is worth living is if they take matters into their own hands. Their parent is too caught up with themselves to be able to see how dysfunctional their behaviour is and to be there for them. A Continuation However, as dysfunctional as their parent’s behaviour is, it is unlikely to be any different to how they behaved during one’s formative years. Most likely, this is how they behaved when one was a child. From a very young age, then, they would have been forced to be there for their parent and to abandon themselves. And, as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was absolutely nothing that they could do. Self-Alienation They would have had to disconnect from their needs and feelings and lose touch with their body in the process. Quite simply, it would have been too painful for them to be an embodied human being. Who they were, their true self, was not accepted by this parent and this is why they had to lose touch with themselves and developed a disconnected false self. This false self would have been focused on their parent’s needs and reflected the person who they wanted them to be – a needless human being. The Other Side As to why this parent couldn’t accept them as they were and provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, it was probably due to the fact they were also emotionally underdeveloped. Their physical and mental self would have grown but their emotional self wouldn’t have. During their formative years, their parent or parents were probably unable to give them the love that they needed. Therefore, they had to lose touch with themselves and give at a stage when they desperately needed to receive. Repeating The Past The years would then have passed, and they would have gone from a disconnected child to a disconnected adult, and, without realising it, turned their child into the parent that they never had. This will show that they were too wounded to be able to see how destructive their behaviour was. With this in mind, the reason one was deprived of what they needed was that their parent was also deprived and was unable to pass on what they hadn’t received. There was a blockage of love in their family line and this could go back many, many generations. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
One thing that someone could wonder, if they were abused as a child, is why one of their parents abused them but treated others differently. They could see that while this parent was not always pleasant to others, they were not abusive toward them.
Therefore, they might have had moments when they were rude, but they wouldn’t have physically harmed another or been verbally abusive, for instance. Naturally, as this parent had at least two very different sides, it will be hard for them to get their head around what took place. One Part And, when they think about this, one thing that could enter their mind is that this proves that they deserve to be treated badly. As, if they didn’t, this parent would have also treated them differently. If this is something that enters their mind, it will be a consequence of the fact that they were egocentric during their formative years. What took place was then seen as a sign that they were bad, worthless and unlovable; when in reality, it was a reflection of how wounded this parent was. Hard To Accept Due to how different this parent typically behaved around others, if they were open up about some of what took place to someone who was also around during this stage of their life, what they said could be dismissed. This person might not be able to accept what they say and could even criticise them. If so, instead of being validated and supported, it could be as if they are the ones who did something wrong. This can show that the other person is unable to accept that their view of this parent is wrong and needs to hold onto it in order to keep their painful feelings at bay. Behind Closed Doors Now, when this parent was in their company, they would have been in the company of someone that was totally defenceless. Additionally, they would have been powerless and totally dependent. Thanks to this, they wouldn’t have felt threatened by them nor had the need to behave in a certain way and there wouldn’t have been any consequences for their actions. As a result of this, the feelings that were generally kept at bay when they were around others would have had an impact on their behaviour. Out In the Open These are likely to have been feelings that they experienced during their formative years, with this being a stage of their life when they were abused by one or both of their parents. Expressing their anger, rage and hate at this stage of their life would have typically been too much of a risk. This is because they would have been defenceless and powerless and totally dependent. After the years had passed, they would have no longer been at the bottom, so to speak, they would have been at the top. Another Factor What would have also played a part, then, is that they would have unconsciously viewed their child as the parent or parents that abused them. Unlike before, this wouldn’t have been someone that was unable to fight back and hurt them. This would have allowed them to release tension and experience a sense of revenge. But, as their child was not the person who had abused them and treating this child badly wouldn’t allow them to deal with their own hurt, it would only be a temporary solution. It’s Always There What this illustrates is that although they would have repressed how they felt as a child, this pain wouldn’t have disappeared. It would have been waiting to be expressed and, by having a child or children, they would have ended up in a position where this pain was able to be expressed. Another part Along with unconsciously projecting their parent or parents onto their child, they would have also projected the rejected parts of themselves onto them. So, assuming that they themselves were seen as being worthless as a child, this part of them would have been projected into their child. By seeing this rejected part of them in their own child, they would have been able to criticise their child in the same way that they themselves were criticised. Ultimately, they would have gone from a victim to a perpetrator. The Truth Taking this into account, it shows that this abusive parent was unable to truly see their child. They were too busy dumping their own unacknowledged darkness onto them to be able to see their child’s essence and light. By facing what took place and dealing with their own wounds, they are drawing the line on what has probably been going on for many, many generations. What they are doing takes courage. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Existence: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Believe That They Don't Deserve To Exist?23/3/2023
If someone was to sit with themselves and was able to connect with how they really feel, what they may soon find is that they don’t feel as though they deserve to exist. As opposed to being worthy of being here, then, they will feel like an intruder.
After this, they could look into why this is and end up doing something about it. Then again, this could be something that is running outside of their conscious awareness and thus, it won’t be something that they are aware of and are able to do anything about. A Big Impact But, even if this is not something that they are consciously aware of, it doesn’t mean that how they truly feel won’t have an effect on their life. From behind the scenes, so to speak, it will influence their life. One thing it can do is cause them to spend a lot of time feeling anxious and even fearful. The reason for this is that as they don’t feel that they have the right to be here, they will expect to be rejected and abandoned by others. One Conclusion Yet, as they won’t be connected to what is truly going on for them, they could just believe that they suffer from anxiety, for instance. How they experience life is then not going to make any sense. Consequently, they could end up being put on medication to help them deal with their ‘irrational’ anxiety. Additionally, they could end up learning how to ‘manage’ their thoughts and meditating. Another Consequence What could also be common is for them to do what they can to please others and thereby, neglect themselves. They won’t feel worthy of having needs let alone meeting them and doing what others want can just take place automatically. In this case, they won’t be aware of the fact that they are neglecting themselves. But, if they were to become aware of this, the pull to be a non-entity and abandon themselves is likely to be too strong. Never Enough When it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something that is anything but fulfilling. Still, this could be seen as their only option and something that they simply have to tolerate. If, on the other hand, they do something that is fulfilling, they could have been at the same level for years. It might not matter how hard they work or what as they are unlikely to feel worthy of having more. One Big Battle And, due to how they feel deep down, if they do allow themselves to rise up, it might not be long until they start to come back down. So, if they earn more money than usual, are treated better or are more successful, this could soon end. Experiencing life in this way is going to feel uncomfortable and a big part of them will cause them to sabotage their life. Once their life goes back to how it was before, they might feel angry and frustrated but it will allow them to feel more settled. Stepping Back After a while, they could mentally detach from what is going on and wonder why their life is this way. What could gradually stand out is that they find it hard to accept that they deserve to be here and to have their needs met. Additionally, they could see that they have constantly tried to justify their own existence and to earn the right to be here. Before long, they could find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Going Deeper What this may illustrate is that, during their formative years, they were not given the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. This may have been a time when they were often neglected and verbally and physically harmed. Instead of having parents that chose to have them; it would have been as if they just appeared out of nowhere and were not welcome. The trouble is that as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. The Outcome They would then have believed that they were unworthy, unlovable and had no right to exist, amongst other things. However, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that this was solely something that they believed as it would have been something that permeated their whole being. Now that they are an adult, how they feel and see themselves will be seen as the absolute truth. In reality, it is nothing more than an outcome of them personalising how their wounded parents treated them. Moving Forward With this in mind, it will be important for them to, one, question what they believe, and two, to face and work through the pain that they would have experienced all those years ago. This will be the pain that their brain automatically repressed. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In today’s world, the general view is that the citizenry is being victimised by those at the top. For some, this relates to the government and for others, this relates to those that live in the shadows.
If, then, it wasn’t for what these people have done and are doing, the world would be a very different place. Another way of looking at this would be to say that the average person has no power, while this small group of people at the top have all the power. Two Options Due to this, someone will just have to tolerate what is going on or find a way to educate their fellow human beings about what is going on. If they do tolerate what is going on, it won’t be hard for them to find ways to numb themselves to what is going on. Whether it is food, drink or drugs, for instance, they will be able to avoid the reality that they live in, if only for a short while. Alternatively, if they opt for the second option, they can share videos and articles about what is ‘really going on’ and hope to wake their fellow human beings up in the process. Two Levels But, although it seems as though the average person is powerless and a select group of people have all the power, what if this is only true on one level? What if, on another level, this is nothing more than an illusion? What if this power imbalance has got more to do with what is going on for the citizenry than it has with what is going on externally? At this point, someone could dismiss these points and believe that they are the view of someone that is out of touch with reality. Going Deeper However, even though it seems as though someone is just observing what is going on ‘out there’ and is not having much of an impact on their experience, this is not actually the case. The trouble is that their mind and their eyes create this impression. If someone is then more or less completely attached to seeing reality in this way, it is naturally going to be hard for them to consider, let alone accept the idea that they are not merely passive observers of their reality. Along with observing what is going on ‘out there’, what is taking place inside them is also having an impact on what they experience. What does this mean? Therefore, if they and their fellow citizens live in a society and a world that is not very loving and kind, and is actually quite dark, it shows that this is what is taking place inside them. Upon hearing this, they could react strongly or just dismiss what is said. In one way or another, they could make it clear that they are loving and kind and are nothing like those at the top, among other things. Now, they could be someone loving and kind and anything but a tyrant. Another Angle Still, another point that also needs to be introduced here is that in addition to them having a conscious mind, they also have an unconscious mind. The part of them that gives them their conscious sense of themselves is then just a small part of them, with this other part of them being far bigger. And, not only is it far bigger but it also has a far greater impact on their life than their conscious mind does. One of the things that this other part of them contains is the parts of themselves that they have repressed. A Dumping Ground Painful feelings, aspects of themselves that are not seen as being acceptable and negative thoughts will then be found in this part to them. This will then relate to material that their conscious mind has forgotten all about. Thanks to this ability, at a conscious level, they can see themselves as being good, kind, and even having a ‘high vibration’ to use modern parlance, for instance. When, in reality, as a result of what they have lost touch with inside themselves, they can contain a certain amount of ‘darkness’. Self-Deception What this illustrates is how someone’s brain, in order to allow them to function and keep it together, can deceive them into believing that they are more evolved than they actually are. By having this view of themselves, thanks to them being unaware of what is held inside them at a deeper level and identifying with a small part of their consciousness, it is to be expected that they would see themselves as being on one side of the spectrum (the good side) and those ‘out there’ are being on the other (the bad side). But, if they were to realise that there is more to them and that another part of them contains the material that they have lost touch with over the years, it will allow them to see that it is not this black and white. This illustrates how important both self-awareness and self-knowledge are. Final Thoughts For someone to see themselves as both an observer and a creator of their reality is, of course, radically different to the age-old outlook that they are at the whim of what those ‘out there’ are doing. Undoubtedly, as more and more people have this outlook and deal with their own inner darkness, what is going on ‘out there’ at an individual and collective level will change. This will show that human beings as a whole are phasing out their view of themselves as passive observers of reality and are gaining a greater understanding of their own nature. They will be remembering who they are.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was mistreated during their formative years, they might soon find out that the parent that abused them is not willing to acknowledge what took place. Assuming it was one parent, they might have been told, on numerous occasions, that what they say happened didn’t happen.
It then won’t just be a case of this parent saying that certain things they remember didn’t happen and/or certain things were different to how they remember. No, all of their memories will be dismissed. A Strange Response Based on this, it will be as though they are speaking to someone who wasn’t around during this time. But, as this will be someone that was around during this time, how they are behaving won’t make any sense. Most likely, they will be desperate for their parent to validate what they went through and express remorse. Thanks to how their parent is behaving, they could struggle to understand what is going on. One Consequence What could take place, after not having their early experiences acknowledged, is that they could start to question themselves. However, there is a chance that their reality was largely denied during their early years, too. Thus, their feelings, needs and perceptions would have typically been overlooked and the fact that they were an individual would have seldom been acknowledged. If so, how their parent is responding will hurt but it won’t actually be anything new. Another one Additionally, what is going on may unlock feelings that relate to being worthless and unlovable. Instead of opening up to this parent and being able to feel better, then, they will have ended up feeling even worse. Also, while they will now be an adult, they could find that they feel more like a powerless and scared child. Still, this doesn’t mean that they will give up on trying to get through to this parent. The Same Old Story The weeks, months and even years could pass and they might not have been able to make a great deal of progress. It could be as if they keep living the same moment again and again. Ultimately, they would have been deprived of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way as a child and this parent will continue to deprive them. After a while, they might wonder why they are looking towards someone to provide them with something that they have never truly been able to give them – presence and love. Stepping Back If their parent is unable to acknowledge how they themselves behaved, it could show that they don’t have a very strong connection with reality. This is why they will be able to say, with complete certainty, that this stage of their life was very different. Due to how sure they are, it might not matter if other people also remember how abusive they were. What they say will end up bouncing right off them and this will show that one is wasting their time trying to get through to them. A Strange Scenario At this point, they could wonder how their parent could be so out of touch with reality. What this may illustrate is that they are too traumatised to face up to what took place and this is why it has been blocked out of their mind. To keep it together and function, they will have unconsciously edited their history with them only being able to remember things that aid in them being able to keep painful memories and feelings at bay. As to why they are this way, it could show that their early years deeply wounded them. Back In Time This may have been a time when they were abused and neglected on a regular basis. To handle living in an environment like this, they would have had to lose touch with themselves and their reality and create both a disconnected false self and develop a view of reality that protected them from how brutal it really was. If this was the case, they wouldn’t have had a very strong connection with reality when they were abusing their own child or children and now that many years have passed since that stage, they won’t be any different. This shows that they are not this way because they want to deprive their child; they are this way because they are not in a good way and need to keep reality at bay. Moving Forward With this in mind, trying to get through to this parent will be a waste of their time and energy. A big part of what is likely to allow them to gradually let go of their need to be seen and heard, by someone that can’t do either, will be for them to face and work through the pain that they experienced as a child had to repress and experience their unmet developmental needs. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have To Disconnect From His Need To Be Seen?20/3/2023
If a man typically acts like an extension of his mother, he is likely to seldom if ever truly be seen by her. What this will mean is that she won’t be able to acknowledge that he has his own needs and feelings.
It will then be as if the only reason he is on this earth is to be there for her and make sure that her needs are taken care of. Naturally, this is going to mean that his mother will take a lot from him but she won’t give anything back, at least not emotionally. More of the same And, if he doesn’t have any close friends and is not in a relationship, he is also going to be emotionally deprived in these areas of his life. Now, he might work around a number of people that are able to acknowledge his existence but this is not going to be the same. What he will need is to have people in his life that are able to see him as a separate being that has his own needs and feelings and care about his well-being. These will then be people that are able to tune into him and be there for him. Unaware However, although he will be missing out on what he needs, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. The reason for this is that his need to be seen could be repressed. Thus, even if another person was to point out what is going on, it probably wouldn’t have an impact on him. He could deny it and/or make it clear that he is happy to be there for her and doesn’t need anything in return. An Odd Scenario If this is what takes place, it could be hard for someone to understand how he could behave in this way. It will be clear what is going on and yet it won’t be possible for him to face reality. This will show that his brain is not allowing him to face up to what is actually going on and it will be doing this to protect him. It is then not that he is consciously choosing to avoid reality; it is something that is happening automatically. The Outcome Not being seen is then going to deprive him and it will have a negative impact on him. For example, he could often be very down and have very little energy but he could do his best to avoid what is going on for him. If he was to become aware of the fact that the often feels low and has very little energy, he could believe that he simply suffers from depression. As a result of this, he could end up going on medication and continue to behave in the same way. What’s going on? If he is out of touch with his need to be seen as well as other needs and is not aware of it, it is likely to show that this need was repressed during his formative years. Most likely, his mother was unable to accept that he was an individual at this stage of his life. She was probably emotionally underdeveloped and unconsciously placed him into a parental role and he was then forced to be there for him. And, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he would have been forced to adapt to her. Deeply Deprived The outcome of this is that he would have had to lose touch with a number of his needs and feelings, so his true self, and develop a disconnected false self. Not only would he have come to believe that his needs were bad but that his need to be seen would not be met. This would have caused him to feel hopeless and helpless, and this pain would have automatically been repressed. The years would then have passed and his conscious mind would have forgotten all about his need to be seen. Further Down Even so, his unmet developmental need to be seen as well as other unmet needs will still have an impact on his life. From behind the scenes, so to speak, this need will give him the need to try to be seen by his mother and others. Without realising it, then, being there for her and neglecting himself will partly be a way for him to finally be seen by her. But, if she is emotionally underdeveloped and in a disordered state, this will never happen. Trapped What will also play a part is that engaging in this struggle to be seen and loved by her will allow him to keep his true feelings at bay. If he was to become aware of what was going on and changed his behaviour, he would soon start to come into contact with this pain. Ultimately, he will have been deprived of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way and this will have deeply wounded him. Putting this stage of his life behind him is then going to take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have To Disconnect From His Need To Break Away?19/3/2023
What will be clear, if a man behaves as though he is an extension of his mother, is that he hasn’t separated from her. He will then be an adult, but based on how he behaves, it will be as if he is still a dependent child.
However, there is a chance that he is not even aware of the fact that he is not living his own life. If so, he could create the impression that he is happy to live in this way and is not neglecting himself. A Strange Scenario To the outside observer, it could be hard for them to comprehend how a man could be in this position. It will be clear to them that he has his own life to live and that he won’t live forever. Still, they could hope that he is soon able to wake up and smell the roses. If this relates to a close friend of his or someone that is in a romantic relationship with him, they could try to change him. A Waste of Time Assuming that this is a friend of his, they could say that he needs to start focusing on his own life. Additionally, they could say that his life is important and that he won’t get another chance. This might be something that he is able to hear and he could then be grateful for their support. Then again, he could dismiss what they say and end up spending less time with this friend. Resistance If this is what takes place, it will show that he is not ready to face reality. Consequently, he will continue to behave in the same way and put his mother’s needs and well-being before his own. Most likely, if he was to face up to the fact that he is not there for himself, he would come into contact with a lot of pain. Behaving in this way is then not going to be undermining him in one way and serving him in another. One Scenario So, let’s pretend that something was to happen that allowed him to see that he is abandoning himself; he could soon feel the need to go back to how he was before. Not behaving, in the same way, could cause him to experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. Now, if he was to sit with this and go deeper, he could soon find that he feels that his life will come to an end if he is not there for his mother. As a result of this, it will be a case of him being there for her and surviving or being there for himself and his life coming to an end. Not a Surprise Based on this, it is to be expected that his need to live his own life will have been covered up. His greatest need will be to survive, not to express himself and as this is seen as a risk to his existence, it will have to be denied. The big question is: why would he feel that his life will come to an end if he freely expresses himself and acts like an individual? This is something that should feel comfortable, not something that causes him to feel deeply unsettled. Going Deeper If his life has been this way for as long as he can remember, it could show that he was largely deprived of the emotional nutrients that he needed during his formative years. This may have been a time when his mother used him to meet some of her own needs. Thus, it wouldn’t have been possible for her to truly be there for him and provide him with what he needed to go through each development stage. She may have seen him as nothing more than an extension of herself, which will show underdeveloped she was. A Closer Look Right from the beginning of his life, when he expressed a need, he might have often been punished, disapproved of, rejected and/or abandoned. This would have sent him the message that his needs were bad and a threat to his very survival. He would have gradually lost touch with his needs and the pain he experienced in order to keep it together and function. This probably wouldn’t have stopped any of the above from taking place but it would have made it easier for him to handle what was going on. Another Part His need to express himself and gradually live his own life, then, would have also been repressed. With this need out of the way, there would have been no reason for him to feel a need, let alone a strong need, to break away from his mother. Part of what will fuel this need will be his aggression/fight instinct, and this part of him is then also likely to have been repressed. Adapting in this way would have served him as a child but now it will be preventing him from truly living. It’s over Ultimately, what he fears will happen if he expresses himself will relate to what has already happened. But, as he had to repress how he felt all those years ago and was unable to face and integrate how he felt, it will be seen as something that will happen if he changes his behaviour. With this in mind, it will be essential for him to face this pain and work through it. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone has been in a number of relationships that were somewhat or extremely abusive, they might have decided to stay single for a little while. Then again, they might not want to be in another relationship.
But, taking into account what they have been through, this could be seen as a normal response. However, as their need to connect with another human being won’t have disappeared, it might not be long until they start another relationship. A Closer Look When it comes to what their last relationship was like, this may have been a time when they often felt rejected, ignored, alone, invisible, worthless and unlovable. This is then likely to mean that their partner wasn’t very emotionally present and may have been verbally abusive. It might have gone further than this, though, as they may have physically harmed them at times. Still, even if this didn’t take place, being with someone that was emotionally depriving and used their words to hurt them would have deeply wounded them. A Rebuilding Process As time has passed since they were in a relationship, they might have gradually started to return to their old self. This may mean that it has been a number of weeks or months since it ended. They may have started to spend more time with friends, and family and perhaps doing things that they didn’t feel like doing before. If so, this will have probably allowed them to experience more ‘positive’ feelings. External Feedback When it comes to the conversations that they have had with others about this area of their life, they may have often been told that they are simply unlucky. Along with this, they may have been told on numerous occasions that they deserve better. Thanks in part to what they have been told, they could hope that their luck will soon change and that they will meet someone who treats them how they deserve to be treated. Additionally, they may have also come to the conclusion that they need to raise their ‘self-esteem’. The Outcome To do this, they could end up using affirmations and positive thoughts in order to feel better about themselves. Furthermore, they could make a number of changes to their appearance, with them having a new haircut, exercising and buying different clothes. As a result of this, they could end up coming to believe that they are now radically different to how they were before. Still, although they will have made a lot of changes, they could still end up with someone who is just as abusive. A Few Steps Forward Now, assuming that this was to happen and they are able to call it a day before long, they could, in addition to feeling very low, feel pretty helpless and hopeless. They will have felt better about themselves before and done a number of the right things and yet, the outcome will have been the same. Considering this, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t be in a good way. One thing that they could conclude is that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back or punishing them, for instance. A Different Angle What is perfectly clear is that they don’t want their life to be this way and it is not serving them. Also, they don’t deserve to be treated in this way and deserve to be with someone that can value and love them. Nonetheless, even though they don’t want their life to be this way, it doesn’t mean that they are not playing a part in what is taking place. This is not to say that they are consciously playing a part in what is going on. Two Parts Said another way, they have an unconscious mind as well as a conscious mind and it is this other part of them that is likely to be causing them to continually end up with people that are not right for them. What took place during their formative years may shed light on why this part of them would cause them to be unconsciously pulled to people who will mistreat them. At this stage of their life, they may have been brought up by at least one parent that mistreated them, with this being a time when they felt worthless, unlovable and helpless, among other things. To allow them to function and keep it together, this pain and their developmental need to be loved would have been repressed by their brain. The same old Story This stage of their life will be over, of course, but a big part of them will still be trying to meet their unmet developmental need to be loved. Yet, it won’t matter that this stage of their life is over and another person is not their parent as this part will pull them towards someone that will treat them in a way that is very similar to how their parent treated them. Therefore, as was the case before, they will be trying to be loved by someone that is unable to love them. And, just like before, they will be deeply wounded and deprived of what they need. Drawing the line For them to truly put the past behind them, it will be essential for them to face and work through this pain. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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