It is often said that women show how they feel and men keep their feelings to themselves. And this is surely going to apply to some men and women, but not all of them. It is simply a generalisation and one that allows people to navigate their world more easily. One reason why it is this way is due to the role that each gender has played for so long. Being a woman has meant that one is allowed to reveal how they feel and this is normal. Where as being a man has meant that one needs to hide their emotions and this is what is normal. A woman is often expected to look weak and vulnerable, but a man is often expected to appear strong and capable. And when this doesn’t happen, a woman can be seen as not being a women and man can be seen as not being a man. But as both genders have emotions; these roles have created problems. So while a woman needs to know that it is acceptable for her to embrace her strength; a man needs to know that it is acceptable for him to embrace his vulnerability. Human Beings To be human mean that one is made up of a combination of masculine and feminine traits. And so while each gender looks different on the outside, they have a lot of similarities on the inside. At times it will be necessary for a woman to be strong and times when it will be important for a man to be vulnerable. And when this happens, it doesn’t mean they have changed genders, it means they are embracing each side of their true nature. Social pressure So a lot of pressure can arise from ones society and here, men will generally need to hide how they feel and women will be free to express how they feel. But at the same time, society also promotes repression in general. People are encouraged to cover up how they feel, and therefore it won’t matter what gender someone is. And another factor can be ones social circle and the kind of people they associate with. Social Circle There is the chance that the people one associates with also deny how they feel and this then cause’s one to do the same. This is then what feels safe, and if they were to go against this, they might end up being criticised, humiliated or rejected. If one was to reveal how they feel, they could end up being isolated or to lose the identity that they have within their social circle. This doesn’t mean that one is aware is what is happening either; this may have just happen automatically and out of one’s awareness. Childhood Another factor in whether one feels comfortable showing their emotions will be what their childhood was like. How their caregivers responded to ones emotional expression will play a big role. These early experiences would have created certain associations, and these associations can then define someone’s behaviour as an adult. As a child, one may have been rejected, criticised or abandoned if they were to show ‘negative’ emotions. Both Sides And if they were to show positive emotions, they may have received the same responses. While one might assume that ‘positive’ emotions would be accepted over ‘negative’ emotions, both sides of someone’s emotional spectrum could have been dismissed. One can then grow up not feeling comfortable showing either positive or negative emotions or they might just feel comfortable showing one side of their emotional spectrum. The Past So, many years may have passed, but as these early associations are still in place, ones behaviour is still being controlled by what happened all those years ago. If these associations were life enhancing, it wouldn’t be a problem. Consequences If emotions didn’t have a purpose, it wouldn’t matter if one denied them. However, as they are a vital part of life, and what bring life to life, denying them is going to create problems. One can end up not only denying the lows in their life, but also the highs. Forming deeper connections with others could also be a challenge; as if one is not in touch with their emotions, it can be more or less impossible to create anything other than a surface level connection with someone. Feeling Safe All the time one has the same associations, when it comes to revealing their emotions, they are not going to feel safe showing them. But when they do change what it means for them to reveal their emotions, they will open themselves up to their whole emotional spectrum and be able to form deeper relationships with others. There will no longer be the need to deny ones feelings, and so one can feel happy when they are happy and sad when they are sad: no longer having to put on an act. At times one might want to hide how they feel, but this will be a choice and not something that just happens to them. Awareness These associations can be made up of beliefs and trapped emotions. So as one changes their beliefs and releases the trapped emotions in their body, they will gradually begin to feel safe. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Or through engaging in some kind of self inquiry and behaving differently.
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When other people are unhappy, it can cause someone to feel a sense of concern and to be curious as to why they feel as they do. As a result of this, one can hope that this person begins to feel better and even see what they can do to help them. This could apply to anyone one meets that appears unhappy, but in most cases, it is going to relate to the people that one knows and is close to. To be this way is part of being human and that means having empathy. However, not every human as the ability to empathise and this can mean that they might even notice when another person is unhappy. So on one side can be people who are disconnected from other people’s emotions and have no idea how they are feeling, and on the other side, can be people who are not just interested in how others are feeling; they are completely focused on how they are feeling. One might be described as being better than the other, and having no empathy is unlikely to be the one that is seen as better. And yet, to be totally focused on how other people are feeling is also going to create problems. Responsible To feel concerned when another person is unhappy is one thing; it is another thing to feel responsible when they are unhappy and that it is ones purpose to make them happy. Of course, if one was responsible for what happened, then it is only normal that one offers their support. But when one is not responsible for what happened and they feel that they are, one is going to become too focused on another person’s life. And if their attention is on others, it is inevitable that their own life is going to suffer. Not only that, it also takes away the other persons responsibility for their own feelings. And this can cause them to always look to other people in order to be happy. Other people are then responsible and the ones who have the power over their feelings Two ways So trying to make other people happy not only causes one to lose awareness when it comes to their own needs and wants, it also causes the other person to lose touch with the role they are playing. This is going to mean that one has less energy for their own life and this could cause them to feel disempowered. And other people are not going to be able to realise the power they have to make themselves happy; so they can end up feeling disempowered. Parent And The Child If one was to ignore how old each person was here, they would soon see that it is similar to the relationship a parent has with a child. At such a young age, the parent is responsible for the child’s happiness. And as the child hasn’t emotionally separated and therefore developed their sense of personal power, this is to be expected. So while someone can look like an adult, it doesn’t mean that they feel like one. One can feel like a child and need others to look after them in order to get their needs met, or one can feel like a child, and look after others as a way to get their needs met. The Same Coin Whether one feels responsible for other people’s happiness or feels that other people are responsible for their own, it is because they have not been able to emotionally grow up. And this causes them to still see the world through the eyes of a child; with their personal power not yet being realised. Role Reversal Just because someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they actually had a childhood. And this means that instead of them receiving the nurturing they needed to become a healthy and functional adult, they might have ended up parenting their caregivers instead. So they grow up and look like adults, but they still feel like children. While this should have been a time for their caregivers to focus on ones happiness and wellbeing, to take care or their needs and wants, it could have been the other way. Survival To survive during these years, and to receive the acceptance, love and approval that they desperately needed, they would have had to tune into their caregivers needs. One may not have been happy with this, but their caregivers were. This sets one up to believe their survival is based on pleasing others, and making them happy would have been what mattered. The ideal would have been for them to be accepted, loved and approved of for who they were. Outer Directed One is then conditioned from day one look externally, and to tune into the needs and wants of other people. This is not dysfunctional per se, but when it becomes one whole focus it is going to be. Their own needs and wants could have ended up being oblivious to them and the reason they focus on other people is not only because this is what feel safe, it is also because they are out of touch with their own needs and wants. Awareness It will be important for one to get back in touch with their needs and wants, and to realise that they are not responsible for other people’s happiness. Intellectually one may understand this, but emotionally it could be very different. This may involve changing beliefs and releasing trapped emotions from one’s body. As this takes place, one will gradually begin to feel comfortable with their needs and wants. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach may be required here.
From the moment someone is born, their mother has incredible power over them. She has the power to build them up or the power to tear them down. Ideally, one would have had a mother who was: loving, supportive and kind, for instance. But there are also people out there who had the complete opposite. Their mother could have been someone who wasn’t nurturing on the odd occasion or they may have always been this way. And as they have so much power, it won’t necessarily matter whether one had a mother who was verbally abusive every now and then or all the time. Damage The fact that one has been exposed to this kind of behaviour, no matter how often it occurred, is enough to cause all kinds of damage. And while one may no longer be a child, it doesn’t mean that the past is truly behind them. There is still the chance that one’s mother is still causing them problems, and yet one doesn’t need to still be in contact with her either. She could have passed away or one could have cut off all contact, but her presence can still remain. And this is because she still exists in their mind. The Taboo However, even though one had or still has a mother who is verbally abusive, it doesn’t mean that one is able to admit to how they truly feel. And one of the reasons for this is how mothers are generally portrayed by society. They are generally seen as people who deserved to be revered for the effort they put into raising a child, amongst other things. And this is an outlook is something that will apply to a lot of mothers out there. But as anyone will know who has been verbally abused by their mother – it doesn’t apply to all of them. This social conditioning, along with the views of other people who had loving mothers, can stop someone from facing their emotional truth. Should one face how they feel, they could end up feeling: guilty, ashamed and fearful. As well as having to experience being rejected and abandoned once more. Denial These factors can then cause one to live in denial, and all the time they live this way, they will never truly heal themselves. They will continue to be tormented internally and to attract situations that mirroring what is taking place within them. If one doesn’t deny how they feel, they can end up blaming their mothers for what happened. And while this may allow someone to experience a momentary release, it won’t allow them to move on from what happened. One will need to embrace how they feel and through this, healing will take place. Wide Open As a child, one wouldn’t have had any boundaries, and so they would have been wide open to all that was said to them. If ones mother generally gave them massages that were positive, supportive and empowering, this wouldn’t have mattered. The problems arise when one had a mother who was: critical, hateful and abusive, for example. This is what one would have internalised. And everything would have been taken personally, even though it was simply an expression of the pain their mother was in. Ultimately, it had nothing to do with who one was and yet that wouldn’t have mattered; It came from their mother, and so it was taken as the truth. Self Image As these messages entered one’s mind, they would have gone on to become their self image. So how worthy they are, their value, how competent they and if they are lovable, will depend on how they were treated. And when it comes to people who were verbally abused by their mothers, there is going to be the chance that their self image is not very empowering or even very accurate. They could feel as though they are worthless, a failure and that no matter what they do, they will never be enough. Inner Voice How one talk’s to themselves would also have been defined by how their mother spoke to them. In the beginning, their mother would have needed to be around for them to be verbally abused, but as time passed, her voice would have become internalised. And this voice, as well as their self image, can cause one to sabotage their relationships, success, happiness and health. Instead of one being their own best friend, they are then their own worst enemy. Flawed What this verbal abuse can lead to is the outlook that one is inherently flawed. No matter what they do or what they achieve, they will never be worthy of what life has to offer and even life itself. And if one had a mother who did all they could to pull one down, it is only normal that one would feel this way. Carrying a deep sense of shame is a consequence of what they have gone through. Emotional Truth This is why it will be important for one to embrace their emotional truth and to admit to how they feel. When one denies how they feel, they allow their feelings to control them. And even though they were treated in these ways, it doesn’t reflect who they are or their value. Awareness It might be necessary for one to seek the assistance of a therapist or healer to allow them to move beyond what happened. The emotional pain of being verbally abused is probably still trapped in one’s body and this will need to be realised. And the beliefs that one created about themselves, as a result of how they were treated, will also need to be changed. This won’t happen overnight, but if one puts in the work, their life will gradually change. The most important thing is that one reaches out and doesn’t suffer in silence.
While some people have boundaries and are therefore able to stand their ground, there are other people who don’t. For them, having boundaries is a challenge and this could relate to a certain area of their life or every area. Standing their ground may be something they do at times, but it could also be something they never do. And as boundaries are vital and not something that one can live without, they are going to suffer. So as they are so important when it comes to one’s ability to survive and to thrive, it can be hard to comprehend why one wouldn’t have them. Clearly something is not right and the sooner something is done about it the better. Normal However, just because someone is in this position and has boundaries missing in certain areas or no boundaries whatsoever, it doesn’t mean they aware of the fact that their life could be different. Being walked over and saying yes when they should be saying no or vice versa, could be something they have come to accept. This is then what is normal and as this is the case, there is very little chance that anything will change. Other People If they come across people who have boundaries, they might come to the conclusion that it’s because they are different in some way; with them having something that one doesn’t have. And if one has never had boundaries and comes across other people who have them, this outlook can appear to be accurate. One can then feel like a victim and end up putting other people on a pedestal. But while it can seem as though the people who have boundaries are inherently different to the people who don’t have them, this is nothing more than an illusion. On The Inside The difference between someone who has boundaries and someone who doesn’t is the internal meaning that they have around setting them. When one has boundaries and has no problem standing their ground, it is going to be because they feel safe doing so. So during moments when they need to say no for instance, they are generally not going to feel uncomfortable. They are also going to be focused on protecting themselves, and not on whether other people will approve of their actions. Wellbeing Their wellbeing will be what matters and this is what should be normal; simply because this is what is healthy. To put other people first, while compromising oneself, is far from healthy and will only cause one to suffer needlessly. No else can know what one is or is not comfortable with, this is something they have to define. Other people can do something and one can feel compromised, even when this was not the other person’s intention. What is acceptable to one person won’t necessarily be acceptable to another. Uncomfortable So as no one else can define ones boundaries and they can only do this themselves, they are going to have problems when they don’t feel comfortable having them. Other people could come onto their space internationally or they could do it without the intention of harming them and the yet the outcome can still be the same. Their attention is going to be primarily placed on other people and on doing what they can to gain their acceptance and approval. This means that other people’s wellbeing will be more important than their own. To put themselves first could also cause them to feel guilty. Associations If they were to put themselves first and to do what is in their best interests, they might believe that they will be rejected, abandoned and/or harmed in some way. And not only can they believe this, it can also be what they have experienced on numerous occasions. Having boundaries is then something that they have come to associate as being unsafe. But while pleasing others is what feels safe, it is not in their best interests; with one’s survival being put at risk. Conflict If one feels that their survival would be at risk I they were to have boundaries, it is clear that something is not right. Deep down will be the need for one to stand their ground and on top of this is the need to please others. These two outlooks are going to create conflict and this is to be expected. Being walked over is not natural and this means that something has happened in this person life to make them this way. Childhood And while this could be due to what has happened to them during their adult years, it is likely to be the result what took place in their childhood. The ideal would have been for ones caregivers to respect their boundaries. As they allowed them to say no and to listen to their own needs and wants, one would have come to the understanding that it was safe for them to have them. They wouldn’t have been rejected or abandoned when they stood their ground, and this means that their survival wouldn’t be under threat. However, the upbringing of someone who hasn’t got boundaries is likely to have been very different. Their boundaries wouldn’t have been respected, and therefore their own needs and wants would have been denied and ignored. So standing ones ground would have felt safe, what would have felt safe was doing what others wanted. If they were to set their boundaries, they might have been rejected, abandoned, or abused in some way. And to be abandoned at such as young age would have felt like death. Awareness Time has then changed, but one can still feel as though they did as a child. Saying no is then something that causes one to feel apprehensive and as if their survival is under threat. In order for one to feel safe having boundaries, they will need to let go off the associations they have formed. These associations can be a combination of beliefs and trapped emotions. So as one changes their beliefs and releases the trapped emotions from their body, they will gradually begin to feel safe having boundaries. This can be done with the assistance of therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Reading up on this area and questioning what one believes will also help.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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