While there are some people who end up in relationships that are life-affirming, there are others who end up in relationships that are life-denying. As a result of this, their experiences on this planet are going to be radically different.
A Matter of Luck One way of looking at this would be to say that some people are just ‘lucky’ when it comes to relationships, and this is why they experience life differently. Based on this, if someone’s relationships are healthy, they are going to be fine; but if they are not healthy, they are going to be in a hopeless position. Therefore, the only way it would be possible for them to experience relationships that are healthy would be for their ‘luck’ to change. As a result of this, it could be said that it might be better for them to avoid intimate relationships until this happens. Two Options This means that someone can either stay in relationship that is dysfunctional, or they can spend time by themselves. However, even if was to avoid intimate relationships until their ‘luck’ changes, they are still going to suffer. Human beings are interdependent, and this means that it is not possible for them to meet all their needs by themselves. Their needs that would be met by a partner are not going to be able to be met by their friends or family, for instance. For Example If one wanted to find someone to start a family with, they are not going to be able to just forget about this need, and they are unlikely to look to a friend to meet this need either. It might not matter what their relationships have been like in the past; part of them can still believe that there is someone out there who will treat them with respect. Also, while they might be able to hug their friends, for instance, they are not likely to do much more with them. Physical intimacy might be something that they want to share with someone they are in a relationship with, and this can also play a part in them not wanting to give up on intimate relationships. Another Outlook It could also be said that the kind of relationships people end up in has got nothing to do with ‘luck’, and that it is more likely to be a reflection of how they behave and what is taking place within them. This means that someone doesn’t need to feel hopeless if they are used to attracting people who are abusive. In fact, this means that they can see that they are not powerless, and that they do have control over their life. They might have felt like a victim up until this point, and they may have been victimised on numerous occasions, but this is something they can put to an end. The First Step It will be important for one to take a step back from relationships during this time, and this is because they will need time to work through what is causing them to attract people who are abusive. This will give them the chance to think clearly about what has been taking place in their relationships. If one is used to having someone in their life, it could be hard for them to do this, and it won’t matter if the people they have been with were harmful. Being with people who are abusive is likely to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level, and this means they could end up having withdrawal symptoms. The Second Step This is why it is going to be important for one to reach out for support, and while this might be provided by their friend and/or family, for instance, this might not be enough. The reason for this is that they might not be able to give them the support that they need. Whereas if they were to reach out to someone who has a deeper understanding of what they are going through, they are more likely to get the support that they need to move forward. This support will be there to keep one on track and to make sure they don’t end up doing the same things as before. The Other Reason A trained professional can also give them the support that they need to look within themselves, and along with this, one can take the time to read up about abusive relationships. Not only will this give them insight into their own life; it can also allow them to develop self-awareness. It might also be a good idea for them to reflect on what took place during their childhood years, and this process can be aided by reading books on this subject. While one’s childhood might not have anything to do with their current life circumstances, there is also the chance that it is playing a big role in what has been taking place in their life. Early Experiences What one feels comfortable with in a relationship can be defined by what took place during their early years. For instance, if one was neglected and/or abused in some way by their caregiver/s, then this can be what is familiar, and therefore, what feels safe. And through being treated in this way, one would have experienced toxic shame, and this is going to cause them to feel worthless. They can then feel as though they deserve to be treated badly, and being abused can be what is normal. Not As Extreme There is also the chance that one’s early experiences were not as extreme, and this means that it could relate to a one-off experience that left a mark. Or they may have experienced something that gradually wore them down overtime, and in this case, each occurrence may have been relatively insignificant. This shows that it is not black and white; however, what matters is what one takes the time to look at why they would be drawn to someone who would harm them. Looking back on the past is way for one to increase their self-awareness, and this means that it is not time where they need to blame anyone for what has been taking place in their life. The Body And while one could focus on what is taking place in their mind during this time, this might not be enough, and this is because the answers are likely to be in their body. The emotional pain that they experienced in the past is likely to be trapped in their body. This emotional pain can end up defining the thoughts that appear in their head, and it can even keep their beliefs in place. A lot of this pain will relate to unmet childhood needs, and one way to release this pain is to cry it out. Toxic Shame If one is carrying toxic shame, they may feel the need to keep this part of them hidden. However, this is something that can only survive if it is kept hidden, and this is why it needs to be brought out into the open. This is something that can create a charge is one’s body, and as this charge is faced, it can begin to discharge. It can then be possible for them to experience healthy shame as opposed to toxic shame. Letting Go As one let’s go of the pain that is within them, starts to develop new beliefs, and opens up about how they feel, the kind of people they are attracted to will change. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. If one does this and their life doesn’t change, it could be a sign that their relationship problems are the result of their need to stay loyal to their family. In this case, they can work with someone who is trained in family constellations. This whole process could take more than matters of months, and this why it will be important for one to be patient and persistent. What one has to go through in the short-term will be outweighed by the kinds of relationships that they will experience in the long-term.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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In today’s world, there are so many things that one can do, and this can cause them to be overwhelmed. This is why it is not always a ‘good’ thing for one to have more things to choose from.
Having more choice can make it even harder for one to know what they want to do; whereas if they only had a certain amount of choices, it could be far easier for them to decide. However, if one was to go back in time, they may come into contact with people who felt restricted by the choices that were available. Another Outlook Another way for one to handle all the choices that are available would be to take the time to think about what they enjoy doing. Through getting in touch with what is taking place within them as opposed to being completely focused on what it taking place without, there is less chance of one being overwhelmed. This is because they will be aware of what their needs are, and they can then overlook all the options that don’t match up with their needs, for instance. If one isn’t in touch with their needs, they are not going to be able to do this. Following Others As a result of this, one could end up doing what the people around them are doing, or they could go along with their suggestions. On one side, this can allow them to receive approval, but on the other side, it is unlikely to be something that is very fulfilling. However, this is often part of life and something that one needs to go through in order to come into contact with their true needs. Through doing what other people want them to do, it can be possible for them to realise what they do want to do. A Learning Experience In this sense, being ‘of course’ can be something that allows one to be ‘on course’, and this could be something that they experience for the first time. One has then not been wasting their life; they have simply been doing something that allowed them to realise what matters to them. The alternative would be to do nothing, but then this wouldn’t allow one to realise what they want to do. This is a deductive approach; where one finds out what something is, by finding out what it isn’t. The Scenic Route In life, it is normal to want to take the shortest route possible, and this is partly because of the need to experience instant gratification. For instance, if one could follow a route that would get them somewhere in ten minutes, they are unlikely to take a route that would get them there in twenty minutes. Yet, life doesn’t always work this way, and this means that one has to take what could be classed as the ‘scenic’ route. However, through taking this route, one can not only end up being exactly where they need to be, they can also arrive there at just the right time. Clarity There is also the chance that one could have clear idea about what they want to do, even though they are out of touch with themselves. While his might sound like a contradiction, it is what can happen when one has developed a false-self. On the surface they can come across as though they are connected to themselves, but this is not going to be the complete truth. This doesn’t necessarily mean that what they end up doing will be completely out of touch with their true needs; what it can mean is that it won’t completely match up. Helping Others For example, one may feel the need to make a difference in other people lives, and this could cause them to become a therapist or some kind of coach. And while this can be a reflection of their true needs, it could be a sign that they are not completely connected to themselves. It can all depend on how they go about making a difference in the lives or others, and if they have worked on themselves. If one feels as though they need to save others, this can show that they are out of touch with the part of themselves that they need to save. Projection This will show that one hasn’t worked through their own pain, and through being out of touch with how they feel, it is going to be normal for them to project their denied parts onto others. As a result of this, it might not be possible for them to maintain their boundaries and to realise there is only so much they can do for someone. They can end up seeing themselves as the only person who can make a difference, and the other person can be seen as someone who needs to be ‘fixed’. Therefore, their worth as a human being can end up being defined by how other people respond to their efforts to ‘save’ them. A Closer Look When one experiences life in this way, it could be a sign that their early years were a time where they had to fulfil their caregiver’s needs. This would have meant that not only would they have disconnected from their needs, they would also have felt ashamed of them. They would then receive approval by meeting their caregiver’s needs, and this would have meant that they would have had to develop a false-self in the process. Being there for others is then an indirect way for them to get their needs met, and the while this is not going to be fulfilling, it is going to be what feels comfortable. Awareness For as long as one remains disconnected from the pain that they experienced by not getting needs met as a child, it will be normal for them to want to ‘save’ others. This is not to say that they won’t want to be a therapist or a coach once they have worked through their pain, but this could be something that happens. Once one is in touch with how they feel, it is likely to be a time where they will be mourning their unmet childhood needs, among other things. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/ or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When it comes to my journey of self-awareness, there are some people who stand out when I look back on where I have come from, and one of those people is Vijay Rana.
This is someone who is based in England and he is a healer/therapist. Emotional Build-up Towards the end of 2014, I was looking for someone who would be able to assist me, and this was because I had an emotional build-up that needed to be released. Up until this point, I had let go of a lot of emotional baggage, but I still felt as though I was stuck. After looking for information on the internet, I came across someone called Vijay Rana. This was someone who offered a number of different therapies, and in his write-up he talked about his own experience of working through grief. Grief This stood out for me because this was a time when I was working through my own grief, among other emotions, and after reading about his experience, I sensed that this was someone who could assist me. There was the grief that I hadn’t worked through after the loss of my father, and there was also grief that was the result of the other losses in my life that I hadn’t mourned. Once I had worked with Vijay for the first time, I felt lighter, and I could see that this was someone who would have positive influence on my life. I was able to let go in his presence because I felt safe and due to the empathy that he displayed. As Time Passed As I continued to work with him, I came to see that he understood what I was going through (and what I had gone through), and this was something I greatly appreciated. I was amazed that I had found someone like this who I could talk to. I realised that I wasn’t drawn to Vijay just because he had worked with grief; there were other reasons. Yet, as time passed, I gradually started to see why I believed that this was someone who could assist me. Emotional Containment It was during this time that I started to develop the ability to contain my emotions, and this was something that took place through letting go of the emotional build-up within me and through being affirmed. By facing my emotions in his presence, I started to become more emotionally resilient, and as a result of this, it was easier for me to face how I felt when I was by myself. These were emotions that had been trapped within me for many years, and this meant that it wasn’t easy for me to work through them. However, I knew that I had to face them, and along with Vijay’s support, I kept going. Crying Out the Pain After I had developed my emotional strength to a certain level, I was able to cry out the pain within me. While I had cried before, it wasn’t something that I always felt comfortable with, and it was only after working with Vijay that I felt strong enough to surrender to how I felt. In the past, I would have cried on certain occasions or done everything I could to stop myself, for instance; but now I was in a position where I no longer needed to avoid how I felt. On one side I felt stronger, and on the other side, I knew that I no longer needed to abandon myself. Relationships As I become more emotionally integrated, I wanted to be around people who were also in touch with their emotions. I didn’t want to have to hide my true-self and to put on an act around the people I was closest to. This meant that while there were relationships that came to an end; new relationships were formed. It also meant that existing relationships grew stronger and started to become even more fulfilling. The Defining Factor If it wasn’t for the support that Vijay showed, I wouldn’t have felt safe enough to embrace my emotions. Instead, I would have continued to play a role and to hide my true-self in the process. It was through his attunement that I came to see that I didn’t need to be ashamed of how I felt, and that it was safe for me to express my emotions. Through his presence, I was able to develop a new relationship with my emotions. Writing This also meant that I had a lot more to write about, and even though I had a basic understanding of emotions before all this took place, it was nothing like the understanding that I soon developed. So not only did my life improve, I was also able to give more to the world. Gratitude I will never forget about the impact that Vijay has had on my life, and I am extremely grateful for coming into contact with him. If you would like to find about more about Vijay Rana, please go to - http://www.khironhouse.com/people/
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
One thing that could be said about today’s world is that it is a time where people are standing up for each other, and it doesn’t matter where someone is from or what they look like, for instance. This has meant that certain people, who didn’t have a voice before, now have the chance to speak up and to let others know what they are going through.
Whereas in the past, it was a lot harder for people to do this, and this often meant that it was normal for someone to suffer in silence. Now, this is not to say that people know longer suffer; what it comes down to is that there is a greater chance of someone being able to reach out to others. A Problem Shared Is a Problem Halved This doesn’t necessarily mean that people no longer have to suffer; what it means is that they don’t have to suffer in silence. They can talk to people who have gone through what they are going through, or who are going through the same experience. As a result of this, it can make it easier for them to handle what they are going through. There is also the chance that this will allow someone to completely change their circumstances; it can all depend on what they are going through. The Internet One reason why it is easier than ever before to be supported is because of the internet, and this means that one can be anywhere in the world. The support they receive can then come from a country on the other side of the planet, but this won’t matter. As long as one has a device that allows them to connect to the internet and an internet connection, they will be able to reach out. They could then end up coming into contact with like minded individuals, or they might even be able to talk to a big organisation that can give them the support they need. Into The Light Therefore, what used to be in the darkness and out of the public eye can now come into the light, so to speak. One may have something to share that makes some people feel uncomfortable, but there is a strong chance that there will be some people who are not offended by what they have to talk about. Having said that, one may find that people end up responding in a way that goes against what they expected. In this case, they can end up being overwhelmed by the support, and this can make them realise that they are not alone. Significant Changes And as a result of the internet and social media in particular, change can take place in a short period of time, and this shows what can happen when people work together. One of the reasons why certain movements don’t get the support they need is that it is not always possible for them to get the support they need. Nowadays, all it takes is for one person to create a video and then to share this video on a social media site. In a short period of time, they can end up having a greater impact than a big company. The Importance of Thinking Once something is given exposure, it can end up being on someone’s mind, and this means that they can start to think about it. If it is already on their mind and relates to something they already support, it might cause them to believe that the world is going in the right direction. However, thinking about something gives someone the chance to look at their own outlook in relation to what they are hearing about. On one side, hearing about something could cause them to question what they believe and then to go from there, and on the other side, they could just dismiss what they hear and carry on as they are. The Other Factor What this shows is while information can be presented, the effect it has will depend on how the individual responds to what they hear. This is not to say that people always change their views through choice, as they can change through being conditioned to change. But when this happens, it can be a sign that they still have the same outlook; the only difference is that they have disconnected from what they really believe. For example, when one is unable to express how they feel, they can end up going to the other extreme. Reaction Formation This is something that is often described as ‘reaction formation’, and it is a defence mechanism. On the outside, one can come across as though they have changed, but this is just an illusion. When one is able to think critically about that they believe, they won’t need to create a false-self. They will be able to face what is taking place within them, and this shows that they are able to detach from what it kiang place within them. The Intellect If one hasn’t got the ability to think in this way, it could be said that it will be normal for them to be conditioned to change their mind and to create a false-self in the process, or they will simply dismiss what they hear and continue to live in ignorance. This shows how important critical thinking is. Another way that someone can change their outlook is through experience, and when this happens, the thinking part could be seen as what takes place after. For instance, someone who does like other races could end up being helped by another race and this could be enough for them to change their whole outlook. Racism While progress has been made when it comes to eradicating racism, there is still more work to be done. However, if someone has the ability to think critically, it can be a lot harder for them to be racist. For one thing, no matter what someone looks like, they are still a human being, and this means that they are part of the human race. Along with this, the human heart only knows love and doesn’t judge. Thinking Critically When one can think critically, it doesn’t mean their whole being will be in agreement with what is taking place in their mind, and this is because their body can still feel the need to hold onto a certain outlook. But part of being a conscious human being means that someone can observe what it taking place within them as opposed to always being controlled by their emotions and instincts. If it isn’t possible for one to detach from what is taking place within them, and they have been brought up by people who were racist or lived in a country that encourages racism, for instance, it can be a lot harder for them to accept people who look different. Awareness This is shows why it is important for someone to develop their intellect on one hand and to have an open heart on the other. A developed intellect can allow them to think critically and to detach from what is taking place within them, and an open heart can allow them to accept others. The intellect can be developed through learning, questioning things and through meditation, and the heart can be opened by working through emotional pain.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Self-Development: Can Self-Development Condition People To Feel Guilty For Being 'Negative'?3/10/2015
If one is into self–development, there is a strong chance that they will have come across information that emphasises the importance of being ‘positive’. This may mean that one has read a few books and/or it could mean that they have taken part in some kind of course.
Having said that, there is also the chance that they haven’t read a book and/or taken a course, and they may have just watched a number of videos that cover this topic. However, if this isn’t the case, it could be a sign that one has just spent a certain amount of time around people who are positive. The Key During this time, they have been told that being ‘positive’ is the key to having a successful life. There is then no time for them to be ‘negative’, and this means that they will need to do everything they can to keep all ‘negativity’ at bay. One of the primary ways this is likely to take place is through ‘thinking positive’, and they may even use affirmations. They will need to focus on the ‘good’ things and to avoid anything that will cause them to feel ‘bad’. The Right People Along with this, one may also be told they need to spend their time around people who are the same, and this means they will need to limit the amount of time that they spend with people who are ‘negative’. Or if this is not the case, they may be told that they need to walk away from people who are not ‘positive’. This is because spending time with people who are ‘negative’ is going to have an effect on their ability to be ‘positive’. It will then be a lot easier for them to feel good if they are around people who also feel good. The Effect Through being positive, one may come to believe that not only will their inner experience change, but that their outer experience will also change. On one hand then, they will feel better, and on the other hand, they will have experiences that are more fulfilling. It could be said that it is normal for someone to be drawn to being positive all the time; and this is because it is human nature to seek pleasure and to avoid pain. Therefore, if one’s life is not going in the right direction (or even if they want to change one area), it might not be hard to convince them that being positive all the time is the answer to their problems. Vulnerable When one needs some kind of assistance, they can be in a desperate position. This can then make it harder for them to think clearly, and this means they can end up being drawn to things that are not in their best interests. Also, when information is presented by someone who comes across as an authority figure, it can be harder to read between the lines, so to speak. The information can then go straight into one’s mind, and they might not even take the time to reflect on what they are being told. In The Beginning If one was to take control of their mind and did everything they could to be positive, they may find that it doesn’t take long until their life starts to improve. What used to bother them might not bother them anymore, and the people around them might also notice the difference. As a result of this, the positive feedback that they receive from others can make them feel even better. And through seeing the ‘good’ in every situation, they might find that it is easier for them to progress. Out of Balance However, while being positive all the time can sound like a good way to experience life, it is not very practical; this is because life is not always ‘good’. This is not to say that one should always be negative either; what it comes down to is having the ability to face reality. When this happens, one is going to have the ability to be with their inner experience as opposed to being attached to experiencing life in a certain way. It is then going to be possible for them to accept what is taking place. Resistance This doesn’t mean that one has to settle for how their life is; what it means is that they won’t be coming for a place of resistance. And the only way for one to be positive all the time will be for them to deny reality. Their reason for wanting to be positive all the tine will be to experience life differently, but all the time they do this, they will be avoiding what is actually taking place. This will then crate resistance, and the more one resists something, the harder it will be for them to change it. Feedback When one can acknowledge how they feel, they are not going to be creating resistance; it can be easier for them to experience the life that they want to experience. All that is ‘negative’ can then be seen as feedback instead of something they need to run away from. For instance, if one’s car was making a noise, they wouldn’t just turn their music up louder; they would take it to a garage. If they just listened to the noise and didn’t do anything about it that would be the same as getting stuck in ‘negativity’. The Conscious Approach By embracing what it taking place and not avoiding it, they will be able to facing reality. As a result of this, they won’t need to disconnect from their feelings and they won’t need to lose the ability to empathise with others. This is because if one always needs to be ‘positive’, it is not going to be possible for them to put themselves in another person’s shoes. If they were to do this, it is going to cause them to be ‘negative’. Guilty Yet, if one has been learning about how important it is to be ‘positive’ all the time, it can be hard for them to embrace what is classed as ‘negative’. Not only can they believe that their life will get worse if they do, they can also end up feeling guilty. It is then not going to be possible for them to face reality; if they were to do this, they are going to feel as though they are doing something wrong. Therefore, this can end up being another way for one to punish themselves. Awareness If one finds it hard to tolerate ‘negativity’, it could be a sign that they need to develop the ability to observe their inner processes and to regulate their emotions. When one can do this, they won’t always need to avoid what is taking place within them. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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