While the ideal is for someone to live their truth, this is not always possible. And one reason why this is not possible is when they have a fear of being abandoned. Their choices and decisions in life are then going to be defined by this fear and what is actually right for them is going to be overlooked.
So the need is going to be there, but in most cases, this will be as far as it goes. One is then going to be used to ignoring their own needs and wants, and fulfilling the wants and needs of other people.
This is not to say that everyone who has this fear is going to be affected in the same ways. For some people, this fear is going to be stronger than it is for others. But no matter how strong it is, one’s life is still going to be controlled by it.
One may be in a position where they are aware of how much of an impact this fear is having on their life. But just because they are aware of it, it doesn’t mean they will know how to move beyond it.
And there is also going to be other people who are generally unaware of how this fear is impacting their life. They are then enslaved to their own emotions and unable to recognise what is taking place.
However, even though there can be differences in how aware people are, it can all depend on what is taking place. Certain situations could give one the chance to realise what is happening, whereas, other situations might not.
So on one side, one is going to have the need to say or do something and yet, this may be as far as it goes. Ones needs are going to be frustrated and they are going to have to ignore themselves.
Their greatest need will be to express their truth, but this not what feels comfortable. The only thing that feels comfortable is doing all they can to avoided being abandoned. What feels safe is pleasing others and pleasing oneself therefore feels unsafe.
One is then not working with themselves, they working against themselves. Having to compromise, being violated and even abused could then be something one is used to. So this is not going to enable them to experience relationships that are healthy and functional.
What it could mean is that one’s relationships are extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional. For some people, this might be the only thing they have known and not realise that it is possible for their relationships to be different.
This could mean that one unable to leave an abusive relationship. Part of them may want to leave and never see the person again, but another part of them is going to fear leaving them.
One may end up with people they are not truly attracted to and while this leaves them feeling unfulfilled, it means that they don’t have to be alone. Being with another pushes their fear of being abandoned out of their awareness and being by themselves brings it up to the surface.
Another option would be for one to avoid intimate relationships altogether. One could still feel abandoned, but it allows them to keep this fear under control. If they are with another person, they are not going to experience the same control.
Having boundaries means that one is able to stand up for themselves and to say no when it is appropriate. But if one has a fear of being abandoned, it is going to mean that affirming their boundaries and saying no is going to be more or less impossible.
In the back of their mind, it is going to be choice between speaking up and being abandoned, or going along with what the other person wants to here and not being abandoned. What this shows is that when someone has a fear of being abandoned, there is no middle ground.
They either please others or they end up being abandoned. In their mind it is not possible for them to speak their truth and to not be abandoned for doing do.
A Closer Look
When someone fears being abandoned, it is clear that it doesn’t just mean that one will simply be left by the other person or people. It means something far more severe than that. What it means is that, if another person leaves them, they will feel emotionally overwhelmed and it could feel as though they are going to die.
From another angle, their emotional experience relates to how a child would feel if they were abandoned and not an adult. And this is because someone’s emotional development doesn’t always match up with their physical or intellectual development.
One of the main reasons why someone would fear being abandoned is because of what happened during their childhood years. There could have been times when one was abandoned during certain moments or for long periods of time.
These experiences would have been traumatising and as these experiences have not been processed, they have continued to have an impact on one’s life. There is likely to be grief that needs to be released, as well as other trapped emotions.
This may be something that one needs to work on with a therapist or some kind of healer. They will give one the support they need to get in touch with their trapped emotions and to gradually release them.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.