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Abused Children: Why Do Abused Children Deny What Happened?

31/5/2012

17 Comments

 
Although the title refers to abused children, this article will primarily look at why some adults, who were abused as children, grow up to deny what happened to them.

Individuals that were abused in their childhood by their parents or caregivers often find it hard to look at and admit to what happened. 

With what happened all those years ago being repressed to such a degree, that an alternate past is able to be constructed; the past often becomes the complete opposite to what one actually experienced all those years ago.

The Perfect Childhood

Here one may describe their childhood with great fondness. And all memory of the abuse is denied and their parents might even be admired and idolized. 
 
And because this abuse has not been looked at or processed in any way, it will appear in ones relationships, behavioural patterns and in the health of ones bodies for example.

A Disconnection

After each year that has passed one will become more and more cut off and estranged from this original abuse. And once this happens, the present difficulties that one experiences will appear to be happening to them as opposed to being a reflection of what happened many years before.

This can then add to the original experience of feeling: anger, rage, powerless and hopeless. The original trauma is appearing once again and the feelings are the same, but as the experience may be different and the ego mind can defend what is going on; it can deny this.

Protection

Defence mechanisms are used to protect one from what the ego mind perceives as a threat. And it is clear to see how this applies to the area of childhood abuse.

At such a young age one is vulnerable, powerless and completely dependent on the ones caregivers for survival. For if these defences were not used one is unlikely to have made it through all of those traumatic years alive.

Repression

When this abuse is taking place the child is not being listened to or given the love or mirroring that it needs; it is purely being taken advantage of and being invalidated. And as the child is receiving so much negative stimulus it has two choices.

It can either express how it feels or it can hold on what it receives. It is unlikely that the child will feel safe enough to express how it feels, given the type of environment that it is in and therefore has to push down in to the body all that it is feeling and thinking.

The Lie Begins

So not only when the child is being abused does it have to deny, repress and dissociate from the pain to survive, but it also has to deploy these defences when it is around its caregivers.

Because although it has all these conflicting messages going inside and is also beginning to lose conscious awareness of these; on the surface it still has to respond and answer to the caregivers to ensure its own survival.

This is surely where one first loses touch with how they truly feel and what their real needs and wants are. And out of the fear of what their caregivers might do, this truth has to be hidden and will remain unexpressed.

Discipline

The abuse may even be classed and portrayed as discipline and that the caregivers are only doing it for the benefit of the child. At this age the child does not have the ability to question what is going and as the parents are often viewed as god like figures; there is nothing the child can do. In reality this is just a cover up, which enables the caregivers to express their own repressed childhood pain.

What then arises in the abused child are the feelings of shame and guilt. This association is formed through how the caregivers respond to the child. If it is being abused its actions must be bad and therefore the child feels guilty. And as the child is being punished and not just its actions, it feels shamed to the core.

Time Goes By

From the very beginning the child learned to survive through repression, denial and idealising its caregivers. And unless the Childs grows up to question what has happened it is unlikely that these defence mechanisms will ever be questioned or challenged.

This will not be the easy option, because to question or to look over ones past; there is the potential for extreme pain and trauma to appear again. And without the assistance of a therapist or someone similar, it could cause all kinds of problems should one try to face it alone.

Guilt And Shame

Although what happened all those years ago had nothing to do with the innocent child; through regression one can feel not only the pain of what happened, but also the shame and guilt. This shame and guilt is like the gatekeeper to the past.

These two feelings may not represent the whole experience, but they have to be faced in order to deal with the past. The reason these feelings are so powerful is because they were felt to such an extreme degree during the moments of abuse.

So although one can be an adult, and an adult that has every right to let go and see the past for what is was - impersonal, one has to be aware of dropping into the feelings again to avoid feeling guilty and ashamed for being abused. 
 
This is because these are two feelings that the abused child was made to feel so often and therefore as an adult the ego mind will hold onto these feelings because they are familiar and safe.

Avoiding Responsibility

Because the caregivers didn’t take responsibility for what was going on for them and used their own children to regulate their own feelings, the child was made to feel responsible.

The child ended up carrying all the feelings that they had denied and repressed in themselves. As they could no longer feel them, it was not possible for them to empathise with their children. And so the abuse was probably generational; with them perpetrating what had been done to them.

Regression

When one regresses to the inner child and re-experiences all that has not been processed they will take on the same feelings and behaviours. This will not only cause one to feel great pain, but it will also influence their behaviour. And this child survival still rests on the caregiver’s approval and acceptance. 
 
So as well as feeling the repressed guilt and shame, one will feel that their very foundations and survival still depends on their caregivers. And this inner child only knows who it is in relation to its caregivers, it will hold onto the past because it still sees the past as what is keeping it alive.

Awareness

Facing the past is not something that one can do over night; it may even take many years. To face it straight away would be too overwhelming for the ego mind to handle.

And what is true is often only revealed to one when they are ready to see it. If it has not been revealed, perhaps one is not ready.

However, as long as one has not looked at this past and processed what happened, they are
destined to repeat it.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
17 Comments
David
2/6/2012 12:30:45 pm

This is all so true, I never felt like I was a child of abuse because it was all emotional, now I realise I've been in denial for a very long time. Great post

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
6/3/2013 03:09:04 am

Hello David,

thanks for your feedback and I am glad it has helped.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Jessica
4/6/2012 11:05:57 am

Thank you.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
6/3/2013 03:07:55 am

Hello Jessica,

thanks for your comment.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Melissa Noonan
6/3/2013 11:16:34 am

I was a victim of abuse as a child and without treatment or care i had behavioural problems in my teens. It was too late for me and i am still in therapy. Horrible to happen anyone. I understood what i was reading and it hurts and saddens me to think that it was too late for me as a teen but is and will be still too late for many. More should be done especially for new parents who i think should have to attend and pass a parenting course to begin with and during parenting. Thanks Oliver. Im getting better now at 36.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
6/3/2013 11:14:45 pm

Hello Melissa,

it can create a lot of problems and it is good that more is being done now. The internet is a wonderful creation in that regard.

I wish you all the best on your journey and if you have any questions feel free to get in touch.

Oliver

Reply
Lynn
6/3/2013 12:06:05 pm

Very well written. Thank you!

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
6/3/2013 11:01:55 pm

Hello Lynn,

thank you.

Oliver

Reply
Alethea link
6/3/2013 05:45:38 pm

Oliver, great article. Not only did I experience each thing you addressed, but you explained it in simple terms that anyone can understand. The only thing I would add, is that the previous victim can use age-regression hypno-analysis (different from hypnosis) therapy, and regress to the inner child and re-experience all that has not been processed, and can then change what happened and overpower their perpetrators at the subconscious level. At the moment of the regression, the person will, and must, take on the same feelings and behavior that happened at the original event... and they may experience emotional pain, but they can then use the power of the subconscious mind to alter what happened and re-write the memory into anything they want --anything that will empower them and destroy (in their mind) those who hurt them.

Hypno-analysis can heal psychosomatic symptoms, serious psychological disturbances, illness, and disease. I can give personal testimony to that.

Thank you for writing such a great article. You might want to check out my Blog, as it covers this topic and much more.

Best regards,
Alethea

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
6/3/2013 11:11:49 pm

Hello Alethea,

it is always my intention to make things simple and easy for people to understand; so thanks.

That sounds like an interesting therapy. However, it is not something that I would suggest. I believe it is important to face the emotions and through doing that, they will begin to disappear, as long as they are actually faced that is. To try to change the memory is still identifying with what happened and not letting it go.

I believe that true empowerment comes form facing our feelings and emotions and seeing that we are more then they are. With the right help that is. And this is because we are not our past or our memories, we are so much more.

Thanks for your feedback.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Alethea link
7/3/2013 11:32:42 am

This therapy works miracles. You are judging something you know nothing about, something that has been utilized for decades, and that truly liberates and heals a person. Most therapies merely treat the symptoms and do not heal the root cause, and do not make FREE, a previously suffering person. This therapy allows a previously traumatized person to take power over their abusers and change, in their subconscious mind, what happened...into what they would like to have happened as a child. This is what heals a person. At first, I thought you understood trauma and the subconscious mind, but by your closed-mind, you shut the door to anyone who might read your message, but who might otherwise have been helped by inquiring with me about this form of therapy, and that is not okay. Trauma, abandonment, fear, shame and guilt do not disappear in the way you have suggested. The hypno-analysis therapy I speak of, and the subconscious mind, are key to liberation from the extreme and life-long suffering that most victims of child sexual abuse experience. You are denying what can give a person true peace and health.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
7/3/2013 03:16:49 pm

Ok - I have simply given my suggestion on what works. I have not said that another approach would not work. All I give is my views; nothing more, nothing less.

So, if you have found that this therapy has helped you - wonderful, I am happy to hear that. And may many other people be assisted by it to, if they so choose.

All the best on your journey,

Oliver

Reply
Alethea
7/3/2013 05:46:03 pm

Thank you Oliver. Just to clarify, changing the memory is EXACTLY what sets a previous victim free, not “feeling their emotions.” The emotions must be healed, at the subconscious level, or they will always have power over our lives.

The emotions are indeed felt and faced with hypno-analysis therapy, and this is *part* of the healing. But someone just consciously feeling and facing emotions without knowing the exact traumatic incident, or the root of the emotion, and without changing the memory…cannot heal in full or with true liberation.

Oliver, you said that “true empowerment comes from seeing that we are more then they are.” That is the EGO talking. The ego cannot heal a person.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
8/3/2013 02:54:56 am

In my experience there is no separation between the emotion, memory and the incident; they are all connected. And emotions and feelings are often frozen in the body and therefore have to be released there.

There are many healing methods and approaches around; and this is surely a sign that the same approach doesn't work for everyone. A therapy that is championed by one person can be rejected by another, and vice versa.

This is right I did, meaning that our emotions are not who we are; we are more, we are the observers of them, the watcher, the silent witness - consciousness.

Oliver

Nancy link
10/3/2013 07:17:25 am

Oliver,
thank you for a wonderful article. I resonate with your descriptions and explanations.
In my experience, doing regression work is a two-edged sword. It can be re-traumatizing to re-associate into the abused child, and at the same time, doing so allows us to retrieve what we lost.

My language for it is that by doing regression work, we are doing soul retrieval, connecting with disowned fragments of self that had to be split off and repressed in order to survive traumatic events.

Re-experiencing the trauma must be done in a spiritual container, as our spiritual nature is the reservoir of regeneration.

On a neurological level, re-experiencing the trauma re-grooves the neural pathways of hyper-arousal in the brain.

Peter Levine's work on the biological basis trauma studies the contrast between how animals process trauma and how people do. Ini people, our highly developed neo-cortex interrupts the self-correcting biological response to trauma.

Traumatized people are carrying in our bodies the stored energy of incomplete trauma responses. Discharging that stored energy allows the body-mind to restore harmony.

Somatic experiencing is a form of mind-body work that allows the receiver to titrate the experience, and keep it gentle enough to be effective and not re-traumatizing.

Hypno-analysis is a powerful way to access the trauma. For some, it may be too intense.

In my own life and in my professional healing practice, I have come to see that there are many paths to healing. Flower Essences, prayer, appropriate body work, shamanic practices, meditation, hypno-analysis, past life regression, dreamwork, play therapy, grief work, Jungian studies, labyrinth, mandala, art, dance and writing are all powerful tools of healing.

I want to thank Alethea too, for bringing your blog to my attention. Althea writes an amazing blog. I have learned so much from her.

I look forward to learning more from you, too, Oliver.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper
10/3/2013 05:31:37 pm

Hello Nancy,

thanks for getting in touch and sharing this with me. I have enjoyed reading this and learning what you have said.


Yes, there are many options out there and this can only be a good thing. So that one can find what is right for them.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Alethea
10/3/2013 08:15:44 pm

Nancy, there are many different methods of doing regression work, and there have been many teachers. I would like to state that you do not know what kind of "regression work" my therapist does. What she does is NEVER re-traumatizing...ever. This is one of the staples of her work.

In addition, her work in allowing the client to re-experience the trauma, is never in the literal sense...ever. Her therapy works progressively, so that the person is well-prepared emotionally before they ever take themselves back to a memory, and then, and only then, are they in touch with the feelings and emotions. Then, and only then, are they ready to face the pain, release the negative emotions, and change the memory to one of empowerment and thus, healing.

"Hypno-analysis is a powerful way to access the trauma. For some, it may be too intense." Again, you DO NOT know my therapist, and her exact method, or how she was taught, and what the process is. You can discuss hypnotherapy in general, but in this discussion, it has begun because of MY therapy, and the method MY therapist uses. So please direct yourself to things that YOU have practiced or experienced. You cannot comment on what MY therapist does.

Thank you Nancy for your comment about my Blog, I do appreciate it, but I am very strong in my feelings about this discussion. My therapist's reputation is something I do not take lightly.

Best regards,
Alethea

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    Oliver JR Cooper

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