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Parents that are abusive often deny that the abuse has ever taken place. And if it is not denied, then it may even be minimized. Both of these actions can have devastating consequences on the lives of those that were abused. So here I want to take a closer look at why parents deny or minimize abuse and why adult children of abuse are affected by this denial and minimization. Denial And Minimization These are known as defence mechanisms that the ego mind uses. And like any defence mechanism, these are used for protection and stability. The ego minds main purpose is to be safe; it does not care if something is accurate or inaccurate or whether it is functional or dysfunctional. So anything that the ego mind perceives as a threat to its own sense of safety and internal equilibrium will be dealt with via a defence mechanism. The saying ‘The truth hurts’ comes to mind here and one of the reasons for this is that the ego mind does not run on what is true it only cares about what is familiar and therefore safe. Awareness However, although we all have an ego mind, we are not the mind itself; we are the observers of the mind. And it is the level of awareness that one has, that will define if it is possible to be aware of when these defence mechanism are being utilized. And when one has minimal to no awareness; the ego mind becomes like a parasite. Here the ego mind can completely take over and what is actually going on will become very difficult for one to see and therefore to take responsibility for. It is then possible for the past to completely forgotten; at least consciously and a kind amnesia can occur. Why Do These Exist? In order for the abusive parents to use these defence mechanism, there must have been something that happened earlier in order for them to need them. Because through there use, they are protecting themselves from something. Self Regulation I have come to believe that the reason abuse is carried out in the first place is to regulate what was going on internally for the abusive parent. For example; the parents felt angry, frustrated, hopeless or powerless and as a way to deal with those painful feelings, the parent behaves in a certain way toward the child as a means to regulating this inner conflict. And so for the abusive parent to admit to what happened they would have to get back in touch with the feelings, thoughts, sensations and emotions that occurred in the first place. This is likely to be an extremely painful experience and therefore the defence mechanisms hold the experience at bay. Is There More To it? It would be easy to say that this is all there is to it. However, where did the anger, frustration, hopelessness or powerlessness for example, begin in the first place? And the reason I say this is because abuse is typically something that is a regular occurrence and is not something that might happen once in a while. Were all human and can all experience the above emotions from time to time, but parents that are abusive, experience this on a regular basis. And in order to carry out this abusive behaviour, these emotions are clearly occur without the awareness to change them. From One Generation To The Other The abusive behaviour of adults usually starts in their childhood and abusive parents are no different in this respect. The Internal processes that the abusive parents are trying to regulate through their children, in the form of abuse; is a consequence of how they were made to feel by their parents. And as a result of not becoming aware of this trauma and processing what happened all those years ago, there will naturally be a lot of defence mechanisms in place for their own protection. These are likely to be defence mechanisms that were first formed while they were being abused and had to be implemented for their own survival. The Truth Hurts So not only would the abusive parents have to re-experience the feelings that they felt during the abuse of the child; they would also have to experience the original unprocessed trauma that happened to them as a vulnerable and innocent child. Whether these feelings could be classed as being different is debatable, as they are coming from the same place. They may have grown physically since those times, but emotionally and mentally there may not be much of a difference. And as I have mentioned above about amnesia occurring; at first these defences would have been experienced in a certain way and over the years they would have just got stronger and stronger; until they took over completely. So here one forgets that they have forgotten and then it doesn’t matter what is going on externally or what evidence is available. The ego mind only sees what it wants to see and will filter out anything that opposes its views. So Why Does It Matter? When the child has grown into an adult and no longer needs their abusive parents to survive it would seem strange that there would still be any tension or that they would still be affected. Logically this may make no sense whatsoever. And the reason for this is that although one may have grown physically; their emotional development will have been inhibited through what happened. On one side there is the abuse which will cause problems for the child when it grows up and on the other side there is the invalidation of what happened. Within ones subconscious mind and in the cells of their body these memories have become trapped and will continue to recreate the same feelings, thoughts, emotions and sensation until hey have been looked at and processed. The reason for this is due to the repression that happened and nothing ever changes by repressing it; it only becomes stronger and more dysfunctional. Inner Child The inner child resides in the stomach area and when these past memories have not been looked at, one is at the risk of regressing to this inner child. And with a history of abuse that has not been looked at; it is unlikely that this inner child going to be in a good way. Here the inner child will be attached to the abusive parents out of the need to survive. And will then need the approval, acceptance, validation and attention of the abusive parents to survive. So the very things that the inner child needs from the abusive parents is something that was never given by them in the beginning and will never be given from them in the end. Awareness What this shows is the importance of awareness in ending the cycle of abuse. It is clear that gaining validation and acknowledgment from abusive parents is more or less impossible. And although the inner child needs this from the parents, it is not something that one truly needs. The inner child can be validated and acknowledged through the help of a therapist, trusted friend, support group or healer for example. This is because one is the observer of all these aspects and is therefore not limited or trapped by them. To fight and resist what happened will only create struggle and further enslavement to them. Through observing these aspects one can gradually let go of the past. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
73 Comments
Mary Fox
21/1/2013 04:48:02 pm
Thank you for this insightful article. It has helped me to understand why my father abused me, to know that he is someone who cannot face his own pain and so ended up inflicted it on the most vunerable around him. And by understanding why, it helps me move towrds forgiveness and true healing.
Oliver J R Cooper
22/1/2013 02:38:12 am
Hello Mary,
Karen
18/11/2013 10:36:19 pm
This helped me as I am going through alot if pain at the age of 53! I recently detached from my 76 years old parents due to their total denial of emotional abuse. The thing I find difficult is I want to retaliate before I can see them again. I realise this is me still seeking validation. But I am not sure i can forgive and regain a relationship with them again. I am so angry. Why should they have me accept their lies. ?
st
12/7/2013 09:54:58 pm
Great way of simplifying such tragedy! I am in the midst of a court battle now over these same issues and my abusive parents have not only denied all abuse but are telling others horrible lies about me. This article helps me understand a little more! Thank you!!! 13/7/2013 02:24:12 am
Hello ST,
Emma
8/3/2018 01:07:19 pm
Hi there. I’m in the throws of really looking at the abuse I received as a child and as a result have confronted my mother about certain actions I do not agree with. As a result I have been treated with hostility and the blame has turned to me (again). I have for many years felt frustrated by her lack of humility and inability to admit fault - she admits fault to a certain degree but always blames it on what other people have done to her “if your father didn’t walk out on me I could have been a better mother, etc” ... I am learning to realise that there will always be an excuse and there will always be a dodge of responsibility. The denial I find infuriating but reading your article places greater understanding of why she can’t look at herself and why she never will - it’s just too hard for her and her denial has become habitual in order for survival. Thanks for the clarity and understanding here I hope to work through this and find peace from what will never be apologised for. Emma x
Metoo
20/8/2018 02:01:04 pm
This is what abusive parents do best. They will skew a story about who you are to anyone who will listen to them, call you a liar, lazy, etc. It becomes boring after awhile because when you start to see a pattern of denial, blame their children, lie to people, then going into websites about those bad adult children who accuse them of things, you know exactly what your dealing with. It’s evil. It’s the lie that ruins lives, no healing can take place. And I know many including myself who were very viciously abused but did not repeat the abuse and just knew deep inside you don’t hurt your child. It doesn’t take a therapist to realize that.
LW
4/8/2013 12:26:34 am
My parents were very physically abusive of me, not so of my younger sister and just my father of my brother. I found out my father had been beaten as a child, the only one to be in his family. He is very ill and elderly and apologised recently, it helped resolve my feelings towards him. However my mother (divorced) was not beaten as a child, she was frustrated by my fathers issues with her and lack of commitment. She was abusive towards me for over 25 years, she denied it, I tried to please her, I could not resolve why she treated me so differently to my siblings. I am now living outside the family, i did approach my mother and say how i felt about her behaviour, she turned to my siblings and this caused a commplete breakdown with my sister, my brother has stayed neutral and keeps our communication secret. I do not want to be reunited with my mother, but am sad of the loss of closeness with my siblings. however over the years i realised i cant comptromise to please all the time, i need to be happy with myself and to look after how i feel not how my mother feels. it was physical and emotional abuse, i ended up in hospital once and have a horrible scar, she was a nurse, what can I say, for years i have put it away but now i have a good set of friends and a good husband. however some days i miss having a mother i could talk to.ily 4/8/2013 03:42:32 am
Hello LW,
Kimberly
5/12/2016 04:56:34 pm
I am so sorry. Sounds so very familiar. I have a sister who basically threw me under the bus. A brother who is mentally ill and homeless. My mom, if you could call her one, had pitted us all against one another. At different times we were favorites. I'll never understand why my sister turned on me, even after stage 4 cancer... i almost died. She's glad to be rid of me. They don't care if I'm alive or dead. 16/10/2017 08:31:31 pm
Hello Kimberley,
Metoo
28/12/2017 04:33:50 pm
They keep it a secret cause they want your inheritance and they know as soon as the abuser(s) find out you talk to the sibling who is btw the designated scapegoat. They will lose money, assets. There is nothing nice about having secret sibling fake relationships
jackie
7/8/2013 10:31:01 pm
My step beat me all the time when I was a kid and teenage but he acts like it never happened. Says I have him confuse with my moms ex or says he only hit me 3 times and I've always thought how could he say that ....he knows what happened we both know what happened and even my mom sides with him ...its a terrible feeling but I guess it if what it is .this article has help to give me some insight .thanks 8/8/2013 03:12:34 am
Hello Jackie,
David S
30/10/2013 08:24:34 am
Hi Oliver, 30/10/2013 09:14:52 am
Hello David, 19/11/2013 11:27:02 am
Hello Karen,
A.C.
17/12/2013 10:50:14 am
Wow--You've really struck a nerve! Thank you for sharing you're well thought through insights re parental abuse and denial.
Kimberly
2/12/2016 07:01:11 pm
Your story and everyone else's here is just so typical. I was severely emotional and physically abused and I suspect other ways as well. I tore out all my hair at age 13 and drank, smoked. I didn't get into trouble out of fear of being beat... so I kept myself very obedient and just existed as a shell of a person. I Married a good man who took good care of me and our child but is emotionally void, who is planning on changing his sexual identity now after 25 years of marriage. I fought stage 4 breast cancer and so far I'm still alive. I have no friends, trying to just stay out of the mental ward. If not for my husband I would of killed myself by now and/or be homeless and in drugs, I'm almost certain. 17/12/2013 10:51:27 am
Hello A.C.
Bunneh
25/12/2013 03:24:29 pm
It's christmas, and I just had a fight with my mom. Both my mom and dad were abusive. Neither admits it. My mother could beat the sh*t out of me... and in the same instance tell me it never happened. I'm not crazy... but it can go as far as them trying to have you institutionalized... because "it never happened".. or "where did you get this from?!" And I'm like oh gee I dunno, the bursted welts from being beat with cables, or the bruises from being punched. You tell me. But they won't she won't. And my only solution is to cut her out of my life. It's like they try to brainwash you into thinking you're crazy.. act like you're making things up. But I have the physical proof and the mental scars. People like this make me sick... literally. Best solution, and the one I'm going with is: Don't reach out.. they will never own up to anything. And you will never keep quiet about it. Just stay away.. and they can never hurt you again..
Kimberly
2/12/2016 07:03:51 pm
Yes, my brother is mentally il and homeless because of them... yet they were great parents. And my mom denied putting a gun to us too.
Pearl
7/3/2017 03:53:30 pm
Yea they will say u r ridiculous to bring up something that happened so long ago. Becoming hysterical. N ask if i want them to die in front of me. Recently my mom tried to say sorry,but was not a full one,still have the shitty denial 'do u want me to die begore u' attitude. 25/12/2013 04:36:29 pm
Hello Bunneh,
Anna
16/1/2014 06:58:25 pm
Hello and thank you. 17/1/2014 03:07:30 am
Hello Anna,
diane gary
10/3/2014 10:38:57 am
I just confronted my mom with the abused . she of course says I am lying. shes says I really lost it. It really hurts she wont ever say sorry. She also told me last year she favorite my brother too. I don't want to have any contact with her again .thank you for this site 10/3/2014 11:24:41 am
Hello Diane,
I recently shared how I felt about my childhood with my parents. I often told myself that it wasn't their fault and that I was stronger and could carry it to the end. Unfortunately and fortunately, I was just tired of trying to understand them when there was no chance at reciprocity. 30/7/2014 08:42:44 am
Hello Lori,
Hollow
1/8/2014 01:23:43 pm
Hi Lori. I'm sorry about your situation. It's rough. I'm in a similar one. 2/8/2014 07:02:52 am
Hello Hollow,
Disappointed
26/12/2014 03:19:51 am
Thankyou for this article. I've been very confused by my families denial of abuse. Especially my mother who goes in and out of reality sometimes admitting that my dad was abusive and then turning around and saying he wasn't abusive and children's memories are unreliable. My dad grew up in a very abusive home with a mother that was oblivious to it and denies it to this day. He had 5 siblings and only two have claimed abuse and the rest deny it. My mother was also oblivious to reality. In my opinion purposely for her own protection. In the end all she cares about is financial security and she chose to ignore reality to protect that security for herself. She is selfish and weak and she will never validate her children's feelings. My brother took most of the abuse and he is very mentally unwell and suffers from PTSD and addiction issues which of course means that everyone blames his addictions for everything and he is just looking for excuses to drink and use by accusing my father of abuse but it's all untrue. My older sister denies my dad was abusive she says all dads beat their sons back then ( 30 years ago ) and that it was just common and normal. That's like saying it's ok to gas people to death if everyone else is doing it! My mother recently told me he was not abusive he was just in a bad mood and that he is misunderstood. My aunt told me my dad was not abusive he was just strict ( how the hell would she know she wasn't there lol) now my brother is living with my parents and taking as much money from them as he can he is very manipulative and comes by it honestly as he learned it from my mother. Anyway I'm just letting everything happen without getting involved, I am keeping distance from everyone and letting everyone learn their own lessons in their own time. I'm completely free of all of it since I learned to let go and set very strong boundaries. I'm disappointed that I don't have a healthy, balanced family but I am so grateful for my husband and my best friend and the life that I've created for myself. It's been a long road to get here and it's taken a lot of research and therapy but now at the age of 40 I have peace in my life and I am happy. I still read about abuse and mental illness and I like hearing other people's stories and articles like this help me to understand and forgive. Other people's stories make me feel like I am not alone, there are people out there who understand how I feel. Thankyou for sharing your knowledge and Thankyou to all the people out there that share their stories. 26/12/2014 08:02:57 am
Hello,
Ann
30/12/2014 01:18:20 am
I was never wanted as a child by my mother (who was & is addicted to presciption pills, along with being an alcoholic). My father convinced my mother not to have an abortion - and he would take care of me. My father owned his own business (and he drank at night after discovering the woman he married was a dramatic actress who was mentally cruel to all of us), he left me alone during the day and most evenings with a mental and physically abusive mother. 30/12/2014 06:20:02 am
Hello Ann,
Christopher Williamson
8/5/2015 06:14:08 pm
This all is exactly what my therapeutic consult told me when I went in to get help after almost 30 years. For four years I suffered horrible abuse which I wrote about. Even as my consult read about it she was taken back. It has now left me at the point where I'm 33, speak like I did when I was little, and am the scared, shy kid I was back then. When the fear reaches its tipping point I begin to shake. Loud. Noises and confrontational tones seem to be the triggers although traffic and big crowds seem to do it as well. I actually confronted her years earlier when I couldn't do what I've wanted for years which is join military cause of scars from surgeries resulting from her actions. She flat out denied it and for years I convinced myself it didnt happen and I'm now left with these reoccurring memories as proof it did. I mean if she never did why would someone be able to remember these things down to detail and still remember the exact locations when they can barely remember what they did yesterday? 9/5/2015 04:51:39 am
Hello Christopher,
Stephanie
18/5/2015 07:30:36 am
Thank you for this. I am 19 and just finished my first year in college. My mother is extremely abusive and yesterday on the phone denied everything I said when she wanted examples. She told me I was a liar and manipulative, among other things, because I am refusing to come home for the summer to avoid her. Now it is that much harder though, because her words are making me seriously doubt myself. 18/5/2015 07:40:03 am
Hello Stephanie.
Destiny
26/5/2015 03:34:59 pm
Your perspective has comforted to today. It is so hard to talk to my father who continues to abuse (mostly psychologically) my siblings and mother. He "denies and minimizes" ever having abused me or my brothers who have since left home. Thus, he hasn't grown, and I've had to bar him from involvement in my children's life and will not see my mother or my youngest siblings at my upcoming wedding. It's heartbreaking that he stands in the way of my family ever being whole, and more so because there is no hope for him to change. Meanwhile, I am afraid of becoming like him in the slightest and must constantly examine my parenting behavior. You solidified my decision to seek further counseling so that I do not translate my internal pain into punishing my own children. 26/5/2015 03:54:21 pm
Hello Destiny,
Lisa
22/6/2015 02:35:00 pm
I stumbled across your article today. It was a complete eye-opener for me. Like everyone else her, I suffered severe emotional and physical abuse by both parents, as did my brother and two sisters. A younger brother was the favored golden child who did no wrong and was treated with the love and attention that was denied to the rest of us. You mentioned the fact of obtaining validation as adults - through therapy. My therapy came through my religious faith. I obtained complete - I think - healing through my faith. I'm sure there may still be some residual scars that may or may not be visible to others. I fell into a marriage to an abusive man, and I do realize that this was due to my inability to recognize the abusive tendencies inherent to his nature. After leaving that marriage and spending years on self-improvment and healing, I am now in a stable and loving marriage. I've raised three children - who say I am a wonderful mother - so, I must have got it right. I figured I would do everything completely opposite from what was shown me...and to give them what I craved as a child...and it worked! What came as a shock to me - was the shared experiences of the other writers in that my own parents denied the abuse. They would literally hang up on me if I mentioned anything about it. I didn't know that this was common among abusive parents - the denial. My mother was the extreme abuser and my father seemed to just fall into that pattern she established. They are both gone now. They took their denial to their graves. I am happy that I am not the only one who found your website. I hope that many more of us who suffered extreme abuse will find this place. thank you. 23/6/2015 05:53:55 am
Hello Lisa,
Ward
29/7/2015 10:22:16 pm
I am 35 and recently confronted my father and he denied it. That story-book apology i had hoped for, turned out to be denial and news that I was being written out of the will. My sister and mother both repressed most of what happened, so I'm left all alone. My problem doesn't just end with my father. It creates an entire other issue of validation, and then I think "am I making this all up? Maybe it wasn't that bad," but then I remember things like him spanking me on my sum-burned shoulders with a belt. my sister and mother have chosen not to take sides, and that devastates me all over. Your article and post was very helpful though. Thanks. 30/7/2015 03:10:38 am
Hello Ward,
SA
3/10/2015 10:21:01 am
Wow, this has helped me this very morning. At 42 I finally confronted my mother about the physical and emotional abuse she committed and...she denied some (i never slapped you in the face, I never dragged you upstairs by your hair), minimised some ( yes I did hit you with a wooden spoon but not over and over), blamed me (yes I did trash your bedroom in the middle of the night but you had been asked to clean it), made excuses (yes I did used to leave you phone messages saying I would be dead from suicide before you got the message but I was depressed). Worse she emailed me overnight last night telling me I am the monster mother, that I abuse my 6 year old. I was devastated. She lives in the usa and I in uk so she has no insight into my home or family and her accusations would be laughable if it hadn't upset me so much she would even say those things (none are true, I don't hit or rage at my son and we have a lovely relationship). Is accusing someone of untrue things that you actually did a known trait of abusers? It's very bizarre she's actually said I do things like hide my son's toys until he's hysterical when I have never done that, she used to do it!! 3/10/2015 10:20:33 pm
Hello SA,
Lisa
28/10/2015 06:47:29 pm
Hi, I have an 8 year old who has been abused physically by his father (my ex) and continues to deny what has been happening or minimizing the whole situation. He also blames me for his behavior. 28/10/2015 10:50:54 pm
Hello Lisa,
Christopher Williamson
29/10/2015 02:44:59 am
Oliver I whole heartedly agree. Lisa please get him to a therapist ASAP. The quicker you do the quicker you minimize the damage.
T L
13/12/2015 09:42:42 am
My older sister abused me the whole time I was growing up because my father abused her. She convinced me that no one would believe my words over hers. She was consistently terrorizing me if I told on her. While I was still a little child I got up the courage to tell my mother. Mom told me that my claim was rediculous and that my sister would never do that because she loved me too much. She didn't investigate it and basically called me a liar. The abuse from my sister still continues even though she's almost 50 years old. My parents recently admitted to believing that my sister used to lock me in the crawl space under the house. I thought they finally believed me and were ready to hear my accounts of the abuse. I was wrong. My mom quickly changed the subject and my dad told me if I brought it up again he would never speak to me again. Then he told me that my window for complaining about my childhood had closed in my 20's and that my claim were no longer valid. I want to completely end the relationship with the parents and the sister. My husband was the abusive older brother to his sister. When we first got together and he told me about his role as an abuser, I thought it was normal. My life is a wreck. Unfortunately my son is a victim of abuse from us as well. He moved far away and won't speak to me. I only get information about him from my mother and I don't know how much of it is fabricated. I feel like no one loves me. My life right now is a wreck. No one really speaks about sibling abuse. 13/12/2015 06:24:51 pm
Hello T L,
pete
19/12/2015 07:32:03 am
I was abused in my youth, and I confronted my parents about it recently, they denied it ever happened and lied to my face that it ever happened, I got so angry I pushed them, I pushed my dad to the floor. And it felt good to be honest, I felt relieved. Only then did they even begin to admit it happened, and still they minimized it, saying "only a little". 23/3/2016 12:53:18 am
Hello Pete,
Morcant M
14/4/2016 06:33:49 am
hello, I've been reading so many articles about abuse lately because I recognised a cycle of abuse in my family a few years ago and have been really struggling to map it all out, but I've managed to get most of the details out, not gonna lie... I'm turning 18 in five months and I've been planning rigorously to run away from home (I've checked the laws, parents can't do anything where I am at 17) and then make a public post about my parents' emotional, verbal, and less often physical abuse and just throw it in everyone's faces because I've become too timid and compliant as a defence mechanism to say it to anyone's faces any more, and social services havent gone far yet by way of emergency housing and financial aid/welfare. I've always had this rebellious fire in me and it's kept me alive, but I'm so scared. I'm so so scared. I've had to sever myself entirely from my father and partially if not completely from my mother... the not person I can rely on is myself bc anyone else trustworthy enough live overseas. I just want a mother figure who won't be saccharine sweet, calling me kitten and sweetheart and angel, and then blame me for my problems and spout about how I wont get anything done and I'm lazy. I've given up on looking for a father figure; I distrust men in general, unless they're aware of how things they take for granted can seriously hurt other people. i... i guess it all boils down to how sad and afraid and bone-tired I am at how authority figures brush me off as going through a rebellious teenage phase the instant they listen to my parents instead of me, because I've been forced to grow up so fast and analyse my family in a way that I shouldn't fucking have to, excuse the language, and I'm terrified for my brother because he's more of the spoiled child and takes his frustrations out on me without realising it... he knows there are major problems but refuses to attribute it to abuse and sides with my parents "as well as" me so he's "looking through both sides"... it breaks my heart and I could go on and on but I just want a break and closure and I want to be free. also im really proud of you all for realising your situations too even though it may have taken a lot longer than me. I love you 19/4/2016 06:44:36 pm
Hello Morcant,
Morcant
22/4/2016 03:13:43 am
Ahhh thank you.... I realised soon after posting that you're probably overwhelmed with messages such as this and don't have the energy to respond to each one like a counsellor but I appreciate it
Amy
18/4/2016 11:12:25 am
I've been searching for answers and help for several years. This is the closest I found to an explanation for my own behavior, which resembles PTSD of unknown origin. I know my behavior is unhealthy and when I have an episode it is beyond my control. I fear I am traumatizing my daughter for life. I never had this kind of hurt and anger towards anyone except boyfriends who were mistreating me and now it surfaces and pours out onto my innocent little girl who I love more than life itself. I am not physically abusive but I go into an almost psychotic state of hurt and rage that she somehow triggers and I break down emotionally to the point where I am suicidal. I attempted suicide at age 12 but I cannot really remember exactly why other than an overwhelming feeling of despair. I have been to counselors but they all believe I am very level headed and intelligent and do not seem to understand what happens to me when I melt down. It has occurred throughout my lifetime but only at times of severe emotional distress usually incited by some sort of mistreatment by someone close to me. My daughter should not trigger this but she does and I cannot stop it or snap out of it and I hate myself for what I am putting her through. I become so desperate and hysterical that I wish for death and feel like I cannot go on. When it finally dissipates I am so engulfed with shame and guilt and self loathing and horror at what my daughter witnessed that I've fallen into a very deep depression and have ceased to be able to function. This behavior began when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He died 2 years later--a horrible death I witnessed as I never left his side through his last week of life and helped him the best I could while he suffered horrifically. Since his death I have been unable to control bouts of debilitating emotional pain accompanied by anger and rage that pours out of me as though I am fighting for my life. He died 3 years ago and last year my oldest sister committed suicide. I don't know the cause of all this but I do not even try to deny what I've put my daughter through... Not to her, anyway... But to others I minimalize it searching desperately for reassurance that I am not ruining her for life and an abusive mother. I love my daughter and I want help. I've been searching and begging for help for years and this article is the first time I feel like maybe somebody out there has an explanation. Please help me. How do I stop this? How do I reverse the damage I have done to my daughter? How do I stop myself from flashing back into these episodes? Please help me. I am not physically abusive to my daughter but I know I must be traumatizing her emotionally and I can't live with that any longer. I am torn between whether or not my death would hurt her more or free her from the trauma I am subjecting her to. I hate myself for the monster I have become, who is so unlike any part of me that I've ever known.... I don't know where this horrible person came from. Never before in my life would I ever have behaved this way towards a child or anyone. At the time it is happening I feel like she is hurting me. What is wrong with me? I've been to psychoLogistics and been told I am not in any way mentally ill or personality disturbed. But they only know what happens from my account of it when I am calm. I tried to be honest but I don't think people understand how bad it is. Please help me. 18/4/2016 12:52:36 pm
Hello Amy,
Amy Adams
17/8/2016 05:40:40 am
Hi- I was sexually/verbally/enotionally abused as a child by my father. I've kept this a secret my whole life and just recently told my husband. I am scared for my children's safety and have recently started seeing a therapist. My father is a total narcissist and mother has some sort f boarderline personality disorder. If I confront them/my dad alone i imagine he will deny it, which is fine. However, I'm scared if I do this he will try and hurt my family in some way. Hes somebody who will protect his image in anyway possible. Im so torn on if I confront them or if I just randomly cease contact with them. 17/8/2016 10:23:05 am
Hello Amy,
Dianna
20/8/2016 04:43:02 am
I have observed abuse (violence) in my family - the pattern has repeated over 4 generations. My aunt, her daughter, her granddaughter and her great grandson. My aunt explained she had a strict upbringing with beatings. She admitted to hitting her own children occasionally (what ever that means). Her daughter married a violent man and I witnessed them arguing with strong language at their daughter. Later I heard of beatings. In the meanwhile the mother also had a son for another man and was so violent that the child was taken away permanently. The daughter went on to have a son who she beats. He was taken away for a while but got beat later after being returned (he now hits back and was also known to self harm). The son is often stuck between the mum, sometimes his dad and his mum's half brother who was beaten. My aunt saw her errors and decided to report on all the abuse of her own daughter, granddaughter, and more recently of her great grandson. Nothing has improved much for him; his mother acted out how everything is fine. The boy would not speak to me, however he is known to have had marks on his body and crying. He went to his uncle and I asked that uncle if all is well and he told me everything is fine and that the boy has a good mum and she just "disciplines" him because he gets in with the wrong company at school. The whole family have accused my aunt of being a stirrer and have advised her to shut up. When things go wrong she is their first port of call for money, food or a bed for the night. She is suffering from bullying and stress. She has gone to the police and social services with her complaints. barely know the boy and he will not talk so I can only support my aunt in her quest to help things stop, however I feel she is the only one who is prepared to make a stand. 20/8/2016 11:00:55 am
Hello Dianna,
They deny the abuse in order to survive emotionally in their own shattered world. These parents are often narcissistic and it is known that narcissism is a coping mechanism for trauma and shame. 30/7/2017 09:16:58 pm
Hello Marlena,
Sandy
4/10/2017 10:06:08 pm
As an older sibling who suffered severe abuse from a mentally disturbed mother and an alcoholic father my biggest problem in adulthood comes from my younger sibling who was considered the golden child. She was not physically abused but is In complete denial that any abuse occurred. If I try to speak to her about it she goes into a full blown screaming tantrum and blames me for bringing it up even telling me it was my fault. I now feel that I must end this relationship unless she gets some professional help. 16/10/2017 08:21:00 pm
Hello Sandy,
Mary Ellen
12/10/2017 01:28:01 am
My mother spent most of my childhood telling me I was rotten and that no one would ever love me. After she went back to the church some of this subsided. As an adult I tried to put the past behind me. However, I do not think my mother can start a sentence to me without using the words, "if only you." Nothing I do is ever good enough. Quite a few years ago my mother called me to complain about something I did not do for her years earlier. I asked her if she could just let it go. She slammed the phone down on me. That night the memories of all the hurt I put up with in childhood came rushing back. I have not spoken to her since. She was very involved in a lot of community/church activities and many people almost think she walks on water. My hardest time is when someone asks how she is doing and I say I am estranged and then they proceed to tell me what a great lady she was and how much she did for them or the community. I never know how to respond. 16/10/2017 08:28:31 pm
Hello Mary,
Charles
26/12/2017 01:59:45 am
I can't forgive my parents. I just can't. It's like they aren't human. They're full ego.
Mitch
12/8/2018 09:21:45 pm
I'm so glad to come across this Oliver. Thank you for the understanding aspect x 20/8/2018 01:38:18 pm
Hello Mitch, Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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