Abusive Parents: Why Do They Deny What Happened?

19/5/2012

Parents that are abusive often deny that the abuse has ever taken place. And if it is not denied, then it may even be minimized. Both of these actions can have devastating consequences on the lives of those that were abused.

So here I want to take a closer look at why parents deny or minimize abuse and why adult children of abuse are affected by this denial and minimization.

Denial And Minimization

These are known as defence mechanisms that the ego mind uses. And like any defence mechanism, these are used for protection and stability. The ego minds main purpose is to be safe; it does not care if something is accurate or inaccurate or whether it is functional or dysfunctional.

So anything that the ego mind perceives as a threat to its own sense of safety and internal equilibrium will be dealt with via a defence mechanism. The saying ‘The truth hurts’ comes to mind here and one of the reasons for this is that the ego mind does not run on what is true it only cares about what is familiar and therefore safe.

Awareness

However, although we all have an ego mind, we are not the mind itself; we are the observers of the mind. And it is the level of awareness that one has, that will define if it is possible to be aware of when these defence mechanism are being utilized.

And when one has minimal to no awareness; the ego mind becomes like a parasite. Here the ego mind can completely take over and what is actually going on will become very difficult for one to see and therefore to take responsibility for. It is then possible for the past to completely forgotten; at least consciously and a kind amnesia can occur.

Why Do These Exist?

In order for the abusive parents to use these defence mechanism, there must have been something that happened earlier in order for them to need them. Because through there use, they are protecting themselves from something.

Self Regulation

I have come to believe that the reason abuse is carried out in the first place is to regulate what was going on internally for the abusive parent. For example; the parents felt angry, frustrated, hopeless or powerless and as a way to deal with those painful feelings, the parent behaves in a certain way toward the child as a means to regulating this inner conflict.

And so for the abusive parent to admit to what happened they would have to get back in touch with the feelings, thoughts, sensations and emotions that occurred in the first place. This is likely to be an extremely painful experience and therefore the defence mechanisms hold the experience at bay.

Is There More To it?

It would be easy to say that this is all there is to it. However, where did the anger, frustration, hopelessness or powerlessness for example, begin in the first place? And the reason I say this is because abuse is typically something that is a regular occurrence and is not something that might happen once in a while.

Were all human and can all experience the above emotions from time to time, but parents that are abusive, experience this on a regular basis. And in order to carry out this abusive behaviour, these emotions are clearly occur without the
awareness to change them.

From One Generation To The Other

The abusive behaviour of adults usually starts in their childhood and abusive parents are no different in this respect. The Internal processes that the abusive parents are trying to regulate through their children, in the form of abuse; is a consequence of how they were made to feel by their parents.

And as a result of not becoming aware of this trauma and processing what happened all those years ago, there will naturally be a lot of defence mechanisms in place for their own protection. These are likely to be defence mechanisms that were first formed while they were being abused and had to be implemented for their own survival.

The Truth Hurts

So not only would the abusive parents have to re-experience the feelings that they felt during the abuse of the child; they would also have to experience the original unprocessed trauma that happened to them as a vulnerable and innocent child.

Whether these feelings could be classed as being different is debatable, as they are coming from the same place. They may have grown physically since those times, but emotionally and mentally there may not be much of a difference.

And as I have mentioned above about amnesia occurring; at first these defences would have been experienced in a certain way and over the years they would have just got stronger and stronger; until they took over completely. So here one forgets that they have forgotten and then it doesn’t matter what is going on externally or what evidence is available. The ego mind only sees what it wants to see and will filter out anything that opposes its views.

So Why Does It Matter?

When the child has grown into an adult and no longer needs their abusive parents to survive it would seem strange that there would still be any tension or that they would still be affected. Logically this may make no sense whatsoever.

And the reason for this is that although one may have grown physically; their emotional development will have been inhibited through what happened. On one side there is the abuse which will cause problems for the child when it grows up and on the other side there is the invalidation of what happened.

Within ones subconscious mind and in the cells of their body these memories have become trapped and will continue to recreate the same feelings, thoughts, emotions and sensation until hey have been looked at and processed. The reason for this is due to the repression that happened and nothing ever changes by repressing it; it only becomes stronger and more dysfunctional.

Inner Child

The inner child resides in the stomach area and when these past memories have not been looked at, one is at the risk of regressing to this inner child. And with a history of abuse that has not been looked at; it is unlikely that this inner child going to be in a good way.

Here the inner child will be attached to the abusive parents out of the need to survive. And will then need the approval, acceptance, validation and attention of the abusive parents to survive. So the very things that the inner child needs from the abusive parents is something that was never given by them in the beginning and will never be given from them in the end.

Awareness

What this shows is the importance of awareness in ending the cycle of abuse. It is clear that gaining validation and acknowledgment from abusive parents is more or less impossible.

And although the inner child needs this from the parents, it is not something that one truly needs. The inner child can be validated and acknowledged through the help of a therapist, trusted friend, support group or healer for example.

This is because one is the observer of all these aspects and is therefore not limited or trapped by them. To fight and resist what happened will only create struggle and further enslavement to them. Through observing these aspects one can gradually let go of the past.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

73 Comments

Mary Fox

21/1/2013 04:48:02 pm

Thank you for this insightful article. It has helped me to understand why my father abused me, to know that he is someone who cannot face his own pain and so ended up inflicted it on the most vunerable around him. And by understanding why, it helps me move towrds forgiveness and true healing.

Oliver J R Cooper

22/1/2013 02:38:12 am

Hello Mary,

I am pleased to hear that this has helped you. There is a few more articles that I have written that go into other aspects of abuse.

All the best,

Oliver

Karen

18/11/2013 10:36:19 pm

This helped me as I am going through alot if pain at the age of 53! I recently detached from my 76 years old parents due to their total denial of emotional abuse. The thing I find difficult is I want to retaliate before I can see them again. I realise this is me still seeking validation. But I am not sure i can forgive and regain a relationship with them again. I am so angry. Why should they have me accept their lies. ?

12/7/2013 09:54:58 pm

Great way of simplifying such tragedy! I am in the midst of a court battle now over these same issues and my abusive parents have not only denied all abuse but are telling others horrible lies about me. This article helps me understand a little more! Thank you!!!

Oliver J R Cooper link

13/7/2013 02:24:12 am

Hello ST,

It is always my intention to explain things in a simply matter. And as areas such as these are often so complex, its good to have some simplicity for once.

I am sorry to hear about your current challenges. As you can see, denial is a common occurrence. However, this is often used to avoid what is going on emotionally. So through doing this one can avoid their own pain.

I have written a number of articles on abuse that might help you, but if they don't answer your questions feel free to get in touch.

All the best,

Oliver

Emma

8/3/2018 01:07:19 pm

Hi there. I’m in the throws of really looking at the abuse I received as a child and as a result have confronted my mother about certain actions I do not agree with. As a result I have been treated with hostility and the blame has turned to me (again). I have for many years felt frustrated by her lack of humility and inability to admit fault - she admits fault to a certain degree but always blames it on what other people have done to her “if your father didn’t walk out on me I could have been a better mother, etc” ... I am learning to realise that there will always be an excuse and there will always be a dodge of responsibility. The denial I find infuriating but reading your article places greater understanding of why she can’t look at herself and why she never will - it’s just too hard for her and her denial has become habitual in order for survival. Thanks for the clarity and understanding here I hope to work through this and find peace from what will never be apologised for. Emma x

Metoo

20/8/2018 02:01:04 pm

This is what abusive parents do best. They will skew a story about who you are to anyone who will listen to them, call you a liar, lazy, etc. It becomes boring after awhile because when you start to see a pattern of denial, blame their children, lie to people, then going into websites about those bad adult children who accuse them of things, you know exactly what your dealing with. It’s evil. It’s the lie that ruins lives, no healing can take place. And I know many including myself who were very viciously abused but did not repeat the abuse and just knew deep inside you don’t hurt your child. It doesn’t take a therapist to realize that.

4/8/2013 12:26:34 am

My parents were very physically abusive of me, not so of my younger sister and just my father of my brother. I found out my father had been beaten as a child, the only one to be in his family. He is very ill and elderly and apologised recently, it helped resolve my feelings towards him. However my mother (divorced) was not beaten as a child, she was frustrated by my fathers issues with her and lack of commitment. She was abusive towards me for over 25 years, she denied it, I tried to please her, I could not resolve why she treated me so differently to my siblings. I am now living outside the family, i did approach my mother and say how i felt about her behaviour, she turned to my siblings and this caused a commplete breakdown with my sister, my brother has stayed neutral and keeps our communication secret. I do not want to be reunited with my mother, but am sad of the loss of closeness with my siblings. however over the years i realised i cant comptromise to please all the time, i need to be happy with myself and to look after how i feel not how my mother feels. it was physical and emotional abuse, i ended up in hospital once and have a horrible scar, she was a nurse, what can I say, for years i have put it away but now i have a good set of friends and a good husband. however some days i miss having a mother i could talk to.ily

4/8/2013 03:42:32 am

Hello LW,

it sounds like you have been through a lot and as you show, this can often go on and on. And it is good that you now have good friends and a good husband to support you.

All the best,

Oliver

Kimberly

5/12/2016 04:56:34 pm

I am so sorry. Sounds so very familiar. I have a sister who basically threw me under the bus. A brother who is mentally ill and homeless. My mom, if you could call her one, had pitted us all against one another. At different times we were favorites. I'll never understand why my sister turned on me, even after stage 4 cancer... i almost died. She's glad to be rid of me. They don't care if I'm alive or dead.

16/10/2017 08:31:31 pm

Hello Kimberley,

I am sorry to hear about what you have been through. Please dont allow their view of you to become how you see yourself.

I hope you have reached out for the right support.

All the best,

Oliver

28/12/2017 04:33:50 pm

They keep it a secret cause they want your inheritance and they know as soon as the abuser(s) find out you talk to the sibling who is btw the designated scapegoat. They will lose money, assets. There is nothing nice about having secret sibling fake relationships

jackie

7/8/2013 10:31:01 pm

My step beat me all the time when I was a kid and teenage but he acts like it never happened. Says I have him confuse with my moms ex or says he only hit me 3 times and I've always thought how could he say that ....he knows what happened we both know what happened and even my mom sides with him ...its a terrible feeling but I guess it if what it is .this article has help to give me some insight .thanks

Oliver J R Coooper link

8/8/2013 03:12:34 am

Hello Jackie,

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. And I am pleased this article has helped you.

All the best,

Oliver

David S

30/10/2013 08:24:34 am

Hi Oliver,

I came across this article a year ago, and it changed my life. It opened up new things to me, I thought deeply about every single thing, and traced things in my mind and worked things out, and even came up with additional theories of my own.

I am out of the cycle of abuse now (I think - I am away from the abusers anyway) and my life is starting to make sense, why I'm here, that I was RIGHT all along, about the abuse, what it was doing to me, that I didn't "bring it on myself", everything. I have read a lot of things, but this right here, is what really got my brain flowing more than anything. Thank you, you have saved a life :)

30/10/2013 09:14:52 am

Hello David,

this is a very touching comment and I cant say I have received one like this before. I am pleased that this article made a difference on your life and thank you for letting me know this.

What also stands out is how you have kept going and not given up. And that takes a lot of inner strength and commitment.

All the best,

Oliver

19/11/2013 11:27:02 am

Hello Karen,

I am pleased to hear that this article has helped you. Stand you ground and get the support that you need. Please use the contact page if you want to get in touch with me personally.

All the best,

Oliver

A.C.

17/12/2013 10:50:14 am

Wow--You've really struck a nerve! Thank you for sharing you're well thought through insights re parental abuse and denial.
I think it's brilliant how you've described the parasitic nature of the ego mind processes going on for the perpetrator during experiences and their 'memories' later or, lack there of...It's also tremendously helpful to have my experiences validated by reading what others wrote for Comments.
Unfortunately, the abuse--a far more sophisticated emotional type of abuse--continues to this day for me. It's a massive drag that's impacting my health..
I never wanted to be one of those people who blames others for their circumstances and be all wa-wa-wa about their past. That's why I was in counseling for over 11 years, at my own expense, trying to process what the hell had happened (my childhood) and to try to make a life for myself. I was seriously challenged by the time I'd left home.
I felt to blame my family--at all--was not assuming responsibility for myself and that it would also be like re-victimizing myself, if I did that. Long story short...
So here I am, at 55 years old, having had a VERY interesting life. The truth is though, I've never been able to have a long-term decent relationship with a man (the exception to this, unfortunately met a tragic end)--I never married or had kids...not did I want to; I STILL struggle to find my voice in this world, and this has cost me professionally and personally; I've been chronically homeless (I now have secured housing); and have always wrestled with substance use issues (addiction).
At 85, my dad is still physically and mentally strong. Last week, after an accumulation of nasty slights being directed at me--which have become normalized in my adult relations with my family--I kept on trying to maintain greater and greater space between myself and my dad (not connecting in person; phone call contact mostly 1 x weekly ; keep relations superficial as possible). Without getting into the details, I cracked and broke the unspoken agreement to never speak of the historical physical and emotional abuse that pervaded throughout my/our upbringing, with my 2 older brothers and my mom. Both my parents were alcoholic. All 3 siblings have substance use issues. My mom died from it--and from the accumulated emotional and physical abuse perpetrated on her by my dad also.
Typically--yet still shockingly--my father denies that any abuse happened. And yes, he says I'm making it all up!!!! It's very difficult stuff to process and move forward...at this late date in the game.
Thanks so-o-o-o much for your writing...and for letting me share here too. It's all a part of the process, eh?...I'm feeling a bit better now. A

2/12/2016 07:01:11 pm

Your story and everyone else's here is just so typical. I was severely emotional and physically abused and I suspect other ways as well. I tore out all my hair at age 13 and drank, smoked. I didn't get into trouble out of fear of being beat... so I kept myself very obedient and just existed as a shell of a person. I Married a good man who took good care of me and our child but is emotionally void, who is planning on changing his sexual identity now after 25 years of marriage. I fought stage 4 breast cancer and so far I'm still alive. I have no friends, trying to just stay out of the mental ward. If not for my husband I would of killed myself by now and/or be homeless and in drugs, I'm almost certain.
So yea, tell me again how not abusing your child Doesn't matter again?
And my mom attempted to shoot my brother and I too.
Yet her and my step father live a very happy blissful life.
Tell me again how god blessed me and how evil people reap what they sow?
I'll wait....

17/12/2013 10:51:27 am

Hello A.C.

thank you for taking the time to write this long email. A lot has happened in your life and yet you have kept going and haven't given up! Your welcome to share what ever comes to mind and I am pleased to hear that you feel better too.

All the best,

Oliver

Bunneh

25/12/2013 03:24:29 pm

It's christmas, and I just had a fight with my mom. Both my mom and dad were abusive. Neither admits it. My mother could beat the sh*t out of me... and in the same instance tell me it never happened. I'm not crazy... but it can go as far as them trying to have you institutionalized... because "it never happened".. or "where did you get this from?!" And I'm like oh gee I dunno, the bursted welts from being beat with cables, or the bruises from being punched. You tell me. But they won't she won't. And my only solution is to cut her out of my life. It's like they try to brainwash you into thinking you're crazy.. act like you're making things up. But I have the physical proof and the mental scars. People like this make me sick... literally. Best solution, and the one I'm going with is: Don't reach out.. they will never own up to anything. And you will never keep quiet about it. Just stay away.. and they can never hurt you again..

2/12/2016 07:03:51 pm

Yes, my brother is mentally il and homeless because of them... yet they were great parents. And my mom denied putting a gun to us too.
Yup... we make it all up!

Pearl

7/3/2017 03:53:30 pm

Yea they will say u r ridiculous to bring up something that happened so long ago. Becoming hysterical. N ask if i want them to die in front of me. Recently my mom tried to say sorry,but was not a full one,still have the shitty denial 'do u want me to die begore u' attitude.

25/12/2013 04:36:29 pm

Hello Bunneh,

im sorry to hear of what has happened to you. And as you can see, sometimes that is the best option. Stay strong and keep going.

All the best,

Oliver

Anna

16/1/2014 06:58:25 pm

Hello and thank you.
The worst part for me was the denial, not the physical abuse.
The invalidation of my perception of reality.
I thought I was getting crazy.
And I almost did by the way as when i broke down my parents abused me even more, to the point I ended up in a psychiatric hospital under involuntary psychiatric hold.
Most traumatizing moment of my live... I could have completely stopped living that very moment but when I went out I gathered all my courage and started healing...

Now I am a rather joyful person, healing quite advanced, planning on leaving abroad...

Wonderful article...
Sorry, I think we all need to share our personal experience while acknowledging the quality of your article!

17/1/2014 03:07:30 am

Hello Anna,

you have shown a lot of courage and inner strength by moving beyond this.That is fine, there nothing to be sorry about.

Thank you for your feedback.

All the best,

Oliver

diane gary

10/3/2014 10:38:57 am

I just confronted my mom with the abused . she of course says I am lying. shes says I really lost it. It really hurts she wont ever say sorry. She also told me last year she favorite my brother too. I don't want to have any contact with her again .thank you for this site

10/3/2014 11:24:41 am

Hello Diane,

thanks for getting in touch. This is a common response from people who are abusive. Stay strong and don't allow what you know is true to be denied.

All the best,

Oliver

Lori link

29/7/2014 05:02:38 pm

I recently shared how I felt about my childhood with my parents. I often told myself that it wasn't their fault and that I was stronger and could carry it to the end. Unfortunately and fortunately, I was just tired of trying to understand them when there was no chance at reciprocity.

When I mentioned the emotional abuse, my mother virtually disagreed citing "differing temperaments". She focused more on the poverty as what I had a problem with rather than the abuse.

As well, she mentioned how "love" got us through the difficult years, although love was few and far between and sprinkled with degradation, control, and the silent treatment. There were also plenty of excuses at the time, and now.

Although my parents have been telling people in our town that I have "disowned" them, I actually only asked to be spoken to as a human being. It was my Dad who told me he was finished with me. I would not be the first or last person to be cut out of my parent's lives.

Perhaps those terms (to be treated with respect) were just too difficult to follow. I am still dealing with this and will continue to seek help, as I'm afraid of treating my own children the way I was treated. I am doing my best to instill in them a belief in themselves and that anything is possible through love.

I was happy to come upon your article and it helped me so much.

Thank-you!

L

30/7/2014 08:42:44 am

Hello Lori,

thank you for sharing this.

And I am sorry to hear how your parents are not able to acknowledge what they have out you through. Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence and i'm sure you know this.

I am sure your children are benefiting from your awareness around this. You have also kept going and not allowed these early experiences to define you.

Thank you,

Oliver

Hollow

1/8/2014 01:23:43 pm

Hi Lori. I'm sorry about your situation. It's rough. I'm in a similar one.

My dad mistreated me up until I moved out at 18. I still come back to visit every now and then, mostly for my brothers (the only sane members of my family) and each time he goes back to how he used to treat me. He always gives me crap for moving out, acting like I ran away and disowned them when in fact I was only trying to escape his abuse. He acts like he was the victim and I just up and left them because I'm so ungrateful and spoiled and went to go tell everyone what a terrible father he is. Which is obviously untrue.

Today again he harassed me about it and said that I left because (in a sarcastic voice) they were "sooo wrong to me". I finally said, "well Dad, I *did* leave because you were mistreating me". He had the gall to tell me he has never mistreated me, and treated me perfectly my entire life. I did not even bother to mention the times he has pushed me down stairs, kicked me, poured boiled water on me or even the time he chased me with a knife. I told him that the angry way he spoke to me for no reason just that morning was mistreatment. But he denies it. He denies it all. And I don't know if he honestly has some sort of mental problem where he truly believes his lies, and his memories just change to be how how he likes. Or if he really just think I'm so stupid I can be fooled into thinking those things never happened.

I feel like I am going crazy and while I love my parents, I feel they are toxic to me and I'm better off without. But if I cut off contact with them, I'm afraid I won't be able to talk with my brothers and they will try to sabotage my relationship with them. My brothers are the only family members I really care about anymore.

It's hard because all I really want is a normal family who can actually act normal and even if they fight sometimes, still treat each other as if they love and care about each other. I want parents I can talk to normally and not awkwardly, and a Dad who says "I love you" back.

2/8/2014 07:02:52 am

Hello Hollow,

it sounds as though you have had a tough time and are only too familiar with how common denial is when it comes to child abuse.

If there is anything I can do, please get in touch. And I hope you have the right support around you during this time, to allow you to move forward.

All the best,

Oliver

Disappointed

26/12/2014 03:19:51 am

Thankyou for this article. I've been very confused by my families denial of abuse. Especially my mother who goes in and out of reality sometimes admitting that my dad was abusive and then turning around and saying he wasn't abusive and children's memories are unreliable. My dad grew up in a very abusive home with a mother that was oblivious to it and denies it to this day. He had 5 siblings and only two have claimed abuse and the rest deny it. My mother was also oblivious to reality. In my opinion purposely for her own protection. In the end all she cares about is financial security and she chose to ignore reality to protect that security for herself. She is selfish and weak and she will never validate her children's feelings. My brother took most of the abuse and he is very mentally unwell and suffers from PTSD and addiction issues which of course means that everyone blames his addictions for everything and he is just looking for excuses to drink and use by accusing my father of abuse but it's all untrue. My older sister denies my dad was abusive she says all dads beat their sons back then ( 30 years ago ) and that it was just common and normal. That's like saying it's ok to gas people to death if everyone else is doing it! My mother recently told me he was not abusive he was just in a bad mood and that he is misunderstood. My aunt told me my dad was not abusive he was just strict ( how the hell would she know she wasn't there lol) now my brother is living with my parents and taking as much money from them as he can he is very manipulative and comes by it honestly as he learned it from my mother. Anyway I'm just letting everything happen without getting involved, I am keeping distance from everyone and letting everyone learn their own lessons in their own time. I'm completely free of all of it since I learned to let go and set very strong boundaries. I'm disappointed that I don't have a healthy, balanced family but I am so grateful for my husband and my best friend and the life that I've created for myself. It's been a long road to get here and it's taken a lot of research and therapy but now at the age of 40 I have peace in my life and I am happy. I still read about abuse and mental illness and I like hearing other people's stories and articles like this help me to understand and forgive. Other people's stories make me feel like I am not alone, there are people out there who understand how I feel. Thankyou for sharing your knowledge and Thankyou to all the people out there that share their stories.

26/12/2014 08:02:57 am

Hello,

thank you for sharing that here. Unfortunately, these are common occurrences when it comes to abuse.

It is great to hear that you are no longer part of that dysfunction and that you are living a different life.

All the best,

Oliver

Ann

30/12/2014 01:18:20 am

I was never wanted as a child by my mother (who was & is addicted to presciption pills, along with being an alcoholic). My father convinced my mother not to have an abortion - and he would take care of me. My father owned his own business (and he drank at night after discovering the woman he married was a dramatic actress who was mentally cruel to all of us), he left me alone during the day and most evenings with a mental and physically abusive mother.

Your article was very helpful explaining why she can't acknowledge or own her abuse to me from the past and why she is still living in a fantasy world. My father died when I was 15, and she became even worse then. In my 20's, I met with a few older women who took care of me when I was a child (when my mother went out shopping, etc.), and they all said, "I was a very quiet quiet child".

Well, here I am, age 58, after years and years of therapy - and I have not spoken to my mother for 11 years after her continual abuse.

I have worked very hard processing and cleaning up so much of my past, and it is coming to my attention that I am safe now, and I need to start connecting to my true feelings and begin talking about them - instead of eating them, ignoring them, or listening to everyone else's - which has kept me stuck and miserable.
Any advise about this would be so much appreciated.
Thank you again for your article.
Ann

30/12/2014 06:20:02 am

Hello Ann,

thanks for getting in touch and for sharing that.

The main thing is that you are connecting to your true feelings And as this is new to you, it may mean you have an emotional build up.

So this may mean that it would be good for you to work with a therapist. And they will validate how you feel and allow you to let go of what you have held onto for so long.

All the best,

Oliver

Christopher Williamson

8/5/2015 06:14:08 pm

This all is exactly what my therapeutic consult told me when I went in to get help after almost 30 years. For four years I suffered horrible abuse which I wrote about. Even as my consult read about it she was taken back. It has now left me at the point where I'm 33, speak like I did when I was little, and am the scared, shy kid I was back then. When the fear reaches its tipping point I begin to shake. Loud. Noises and confrontational tones seem to be the triggers although traffic and big crowds seem to do it as well. I actually confronted her years earlier when I couldn't do what I've wanted for years which is join military cause of scars from surgeries resulting from her actions. She flat out denied it and for years I convinced myself it didnt happen and I'm now left with these reoccurring memories as proof it did. I mean if she never did why would someone be able to remember these things down to detail and still remember the exact locations when they can barely remember what they did yesterday?

9/5/2015 04:51:39 am

Hello Christopher,

thanks for getting in touch.

It is clear you have been through a lot, and i'm pleased to hear that you are getting help with this.

Keep going.

All the best,

Oliver

Stephanie

18/5/2015 07:30:36 am

Thank you for this. I am 19 and just finished my first year in college. My mother is extremely abusive and yesterday on the phone denied everything I said when she wanted examples. She told me I was a liar and manipulative, among other things, because I am refusing to come home for the summer to avoid her. Now it is that much harder though, because her words are making me seriously doubt myself.

18/5/2015 07:40:03 am

Hello Stephanie.

thanks for getting in touch.

I am sorry to hear about what is taking place in your life.

Have you read this article
Abusive Relationships: Why Does Abuse Make People Feel Uncertain http://www.transformationalwriting.co.uk/blog/abusive-relationships-why-does-abuse-make-people-feel-uncertain

Is there anyone else in your family who can validate what you are going through and give you the support you need? Or close friends who can be there?

All the best,

Oliver

Destiny

26/5/2015 03:34:59 pm

Your perspective has comforted to today. It is so hard to talk to my father who continues to abuse (mostly psychologically) my siblings and mother. He "denies and minimizes" ever having abused me or my brothers who have since left home. Thus, he hasn't grown, and I've had to bar him from involvement in my children's life and will not see my mother or my youngest siblings at my upcoming wedding. It's heartbreaking that he stands in the way of my family ever being whole, and more so because there is no hope for him to change. Meanwhile, I am afraid of becoming like him in the slightest and must constantly examine my parenting behavior. You solidified my decision to seek further counseling so that I do not translate my internal pain into punishing my own children.

26/5/2015 03:54:21 pm

Hello Destiny,

I am pleased to hear that this article has assisted you.

Seeking external support is a good idea. You cant do everything by yourself, and you are going through a lot at the moment.

Keep going.

Oliver

Lisa

22/6/2015 02:35:00 pm

I stumbled across your article today. It was a complete eye-opener for me. Like everyone else her, I suffered severe emotional and physical abuse by both parents, as did my brother and two sisters. A younger brother was the favored golden child who did no wrong and was treated with the love and attention that was denied to the rest of us. You mentioned the fact of obtaining validation as adults - through therapy. My therapy came through my religious faith. I obtained complete - I think - healing through my faith. I'm sure there may still be some residual scars that may or may not be visible to others. I fell into a marriage to an abusive man, and I do realize that this was due to my inability to recognize the abusive tendencies inherent to his nature. After leaving that marriage and spending years on self-improvment and healing, I am now in a stable and loving marriage. I've raised three children - who say I am a wonderful mother - so, I must have got it right. I figured I would do everything completely opposite from what was shown me...and to give them what I craved as a child...and it worked! What came as a shock to me - was the shared experiences of the other writers in that my own parents denied the abuse. They would literally hang up on me if I mentioned anything about it. I didn't know that this was common among abusive parents - the denial. My mother was the extreme abuser and my father seemed to just fall into that pattern she established. They are both gone now. They took their denial to their graves. I am happy that I am not the only one who found your website. I hope that many more of us who suffered extreme abuse will find this place. thank you.

23/6/2015 05:53:55 am

Hello Lisa,

thanks for getting in touch and for sharing that.

It is wonderful to hear how well you are doing, and that you have put an end to it all. I'm sure people will be inspired by what you have written.

All the best,

Oliver

Ward

29/7/2015 10:22:16 pm

I am 35 and recently confronted my father and he denied it. That story-book apology i had hoped for, turned out to be denial and news that I was being written out of the will. My sister and mother both repressed most of what happened, so I'm left all alone. My problem doesn't just end with my father. It creates an entire other issue of validation, and then I think "am I making this all up? Maybe it wasn't that bad," but then I remember things like him spanking me on my sum-burned shoulders with a belt. my sister and mother have chosen not to take sides, and that devastates me all over. Your article and post was very helpful though. Thanks.

30/7/2015 03:10:38 am

Hello Ward,

I'm sorry to hear about what has and what is taking place. The other members of your family are not willing to face the truth.

The main thing is that you keep going and reach out for people who can support you through this difficult period in your life.

All the best,

Oliver

3/10/2015 10:21:01 am

Wow, this has helped me this very morning. At 42 I finally confronted my mother about the physical and emotional abuse she committed and...she denied some (i never slapped you in the face, I never dragged you upstairs by your hair), minimised some ( yes I did hit you with a wooden spoon but not over and over), blamed me (yes I did trash your bedroom in the middle of the night but you had been asked to clean it), made excuses (yes I did used to leave you phone messages saying I would be dead from suicide before you got the message but I was depressed). Worse she emailed me overnight last night telling me I am the monster mother, that I abuse my 6 year old. I was devastated. She lives in the usa and I in uk so she has no insight into my home or family and her accusations would be laughable if it hadn't upset me so much she would even say those things (none are true, I don't hit or rage at my son and we have a lovely relationship). Is accusing someone of untrue things that you actually did a known trait of abusers? It's very bizarre she's actually said I do things like hide my son's toys until he's hysterical when I have never done that, she used to do it!!

3/10/2015 10:20:33 pm

Hello SA,

thank for sharing this, and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I must be easier living in a different country.

I suppose it could be seen as a form of projection; all the time its being put onto you, it is not necessary for her to look in the mirror, so to speak.

All the best,

Oliver

28/10/2015 06:47:29 pm

Hi, I have an 8 year old who has been abused physically by his father (my ex) and continues to deny what has been happening or minimizing the whole situation. He also blames me for his behavior.
twisting everything around, I am now in a place where I do not know how to protect my 8 year old from the future denial, as he has been like this ever since I have known him.
Hence I was looking up for some articles, to help me understand the pull that my son has towards his dad, it is almost unnatural.
I am thinking that distance from his dad would actually be a better way to go. But the world says today that children are better with their parent (even if they are abusers) . This is hard to understand

28/10/2015 10:50:54 pm

Hello Lisa,

thanks for getting in touch.

It is clear that you are in a difficult situation.

My advice would be to speak to a therapist, or someone else who will be able to assist you hear. The sooner something happens, the better off your son will be.

All the best,

Oliver

29/10/2015 02:44:59 am

Oliver I whole heartedly agree. Lisa please get him to a therapist ASAP. The quicker you do the quicker you minimize the damage.
I found out the hard way the longer you go without help the worse things get. 30yrs I went without help and my wife finally stepped in and got me to see one. It's slow going but I'm told I'm doing good. Turned out because all that holding in did irreversible damage having me diagnosed with Acute PTSD. Day by day I struggle as of right now since they haven't found the right meds to manage it I cannot leave my own house or be around a group of people without severe fear and sadness/anger. The fear is more prominent as for the sadness and anger that comes with stuff I see or hear but they re intensified. I can't leave the house unless I am with my wife because the last time I did I was nearly hit by a car as I froze and fell in the middle of traffic from pure fear. My mind goes to dark places thinking of suicide because of the constant flashbacks so I keep my wife on speed dial. Sometimes if they all hit me at one time I have what was called non-epileptic events that look like seizures. I was doing ok with doc but last time I went nothing at all quarreled my fear. I remember it got so bad I took the chair and placed between us trying to hide by the wall. She said I went backwards but we don't know why so now I make daily journals for her. I did find someone that actually went through the exact same ordeals I did when she explained I remember losing it both feeling sadness for her and relief knowing I wasn't alone. There is a big step we are working towards called immersion therapy where I have to relive it all. I know if I can get through this it will help me manage all of it. I have decided that once I do I am getting a tattoo with semicolon for mental illness sufferers, yin yang to show my battle with the dark thoughts, and a Phoenix surrounding it to show me rising from the ashes. It will be my rite of passage for this long battle. Get help, rise above it; don't become a statistic.

T L

13/12/2015 09:42:42 am

My older sister abused me the whole time I was growing up because my father abused her. She convinced me that no one would believe my words over hers. She was consistently terrorizing me if I told on her. While I was still a little child I got up the courage to tell my mother. Mom told me that my claim was rediculous and that my sister would never do that because she loved me too much. She didn't investigate it and basically called me a liar. The abuse from my sister still continues even though she's almost 50 years old. My parents recently admitted to believing that my sister used to lock me in the crawl space under the house. I thought they finally believed me and were ready to hear my accounts of the abuse. I was wrong. My mom quickly changed the subject and my dad told me if I brought it up again he would never speak to me again. Then he told me that my window for complaining about my childhood had closed in my 20's and that my claim were no longer valid. I want to completely end the relationship with the parents and the sister. My husband was the abusive older brother to his sister. When we first got together and he told me about his role as an abuser, I thought it was normal. My life is a wreck. Unfortunately my son is a victim of abuse from us as well. He moved far away and won't speak to me. I only get information about him from my mother and I don't know how much of it is fabricated. I feel like no one loves me. My life right now is a wreck. No one really speaks about sibling abuse.

13/12/2015 06:24:51 pm

Hello T L,

thank you for leaving your comment.

You have been through a lot, and you're right. sibling abuse is not soemthign that is often talked about.

My suggestion would be for you to find a therapist and/or a support group to assist you with this.

All the best,

Oliver

pete

19/12/2015 07:32:03 am

I was abused in my youth, and I confronted my parents about it recently, they denied it ever happened and lied to my face that it ever happened, I got so angry I pushed them, I pushed my dad to the floor. And it felt good to be honest, I felt relieved. Only then did they even begin to admit it happened, and still they minimized it, saying "only a little".

I don't want to grow up to be an abuser, but if I am, I'd rather be abusing my abusers than the innocent. Sorry but that's just the way I dealt with it, and I don't feel bad about it because they deserve it.

23/3/2016 12:53:18 am

Hello Pete,

thanks for commenting.

You have been through a lot, and so it is understandable that you feel angry.

My suggestion would be for you to work with a therapist and/or a support group.Through doing this, you will be able to put an end up to all this.

All the best,

Oliver

Morcant M

14/4/2016 06:33:49 am

hello, I've been reading so many articles about abuse lately because I recognised a cycle of abuse in my family a few years ago and have been really struggling to map it all out, but I've managed to get most of the details out, not gonna lie... I'm turning 18 in five months and I've been planning rigorously to run away from home (I've checked the laws, parents can't do anything where I am at 17) and then make a public post about my parents' emotional, verbal, and less often physical abuse and just throw it in everyone's faces because I've become too timid and compliant as a defence mechanism to say it to anyone's faces any more, and social services havent gone far yet by way of emergency housing and financial aid/welfare. I've always had this rebellious fire in me and it's kept me alive, but I'm so scared. I'm so so scared. I've had to sever myself entirely from my father and partially if not completely from my mother... the not person I can rely on is myself bc anyone else trustworthy enough live overseas. I just want a mother figure who won't be saccharine sweet, calling me kitten and sweetheart and angel, and then blame me for my problems and spout about how I wont get anything done and I'm lazy. I've given up on looking for a father figure; I distrust men in general, unless they're aware of how things they take for granted can seriously hurt other people. i... i guess it all boils down to how sad and afraid and bone-tired I am at how authority figures brush me off as going through a rebellious teenage phase the instant they listen to my parents instead of me, because I've been forced to grow up so fast and analyse my family in a way that I shouldn't fucking have to, excuse the language, and I'm terrified for my brother because he's more of the spoiled child and takes his frustrations out on me without realising it... he knows there are major problems but refuses to attribute it to abuse and sides with my parents "as well as" me so he's "looking through both sides"... it breaks my heart and I could go on and on but I just want a break and closure and I want to be free. also im really proud of you all for realising your situations too even though it may have taken a lot longer than me. I love you

19/4/2016 06:44:36 pm

Hello Morcant,

thank you for your comment.

I wish you all the best with what you are going through.

All the best,

Oliver

Morcant

22/4/2016 03:13:43 am

Ahhh thank you.... I realised soon after posting that you're probably overwhelmed with messages such as this and don't have the energy to respond to each one like a counsellor but I appreciate it

Amy

18/4/2016 11:12:25 am

I've been searching for answers and help for several years. This is the closest I found to an explanation for my own behavior, which resembles PTSD of unknown origin. I know my behavior is unhealthy and when I have an episode it is beyond my control. I fear I am traumatizing my daughter for life. I never had this kind of hurt and anger towards anyone except boyfriends who were mistreating me and now it surfaces and pours out onto my innocent little girl who I love more than life itself. I am not physically abusive but I go into an almost psychotic state of hurt and rage that she somehow triggers and I break down emotionally to the point where I am suicidal. I attempted suicide at age 12 but I cannot really remember exactly why other than an overwhelming feeling of despair. I have been to counselors but they all believe I am very level headed and intelligent and do not seem to understand what happens to me when I melt down. It has occurred throughout my lifetime but only at times of severe emotional distress usually incited by some sort of mistreatment by someone close to me. My daughter should not trigger this but she does and I cannot stop it or snap out of it and I hate myself for what I am putting her through. I become so desperate and hysterical that I wish for death and feel like I cannot go on. When it finally dissipates I am so engulfed with shame and guilt and self loathing and horror at what my daughter witnessed that I've fallen into a very deep depression and have ceased to be able to function. This behavior began when my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He died 2 years later--a horrible death I witnessed as I never left his side through his last week of life and helped him the best I could while he suffered horrifically. Since his death I have been unable to control bouts of debilitating emotional pain accompanied by anger and rage that pours out of me as though I am fighting for my life. He died 3 years ago and last year my oldest sister committed suicide. I don't know the cause of all this but I do not even try to deny what I've put my daughter through... Not to her, anyway... But to others I minimalize it searching desperately for reassurance that I am not ruining her for life and an abusive mother. I love my daughter and I want help. I've been searching and begging for help for years and this article is the first time I feel like maybe somebody out there has an explanation. Please help me. How do I stop this? How do I reverse the damage I have done to my daughter? How do I stop myself from flashing back into these episodes? Please help me. I am not physically abusive to my daughter but I know I must be traumatizing her emotionally and I can't live with that any longer. I am torn between whether or not my death would hurt her more or free her from the trauma I am subjecting her to. I hate myself for the monster I have become, who is so unlike any part of me that I've ever known.... I don't know where this horrible person came from. Never before in my life would I ever have behaved this way towards a child or anyone. At the time it is happening I feel like she is hurting me. What is wrong with me? I've been to psychoLogistics and been told I am not in any way mentally ill or personality disturbed. But they only know what happens from my account of it when I am calm. I tried to be honest but I don't think people understand how bad it is. Please help me.

18/4/2016 12:52:36 pm

Hello Amy,

thank you for your comment.

The first thing that comes to mind is that the book I have written on child abuse may help -http://www.amazon.com/Child-Abuse-Were-You-Abused/dp/1518693946/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1460983099&sr=8-2&keywords=oliver+jr+cooper

Along with this, the personal coaching I offer may also help. But if that is not an option for you, my suggestion would be for you to look through the book.

All the best,

Oliver
Oliver

Amy Adams

17/8/2016 05:40:40 am

Hi- I was sexually/verbally/enotionally abused as a child by my father. I've kept this a secret my whole life and just recently told my husband. I am scared for my children's safety and have recently started seeing a therapist. My father is a total narcissist and mother has some sort f boarderline personality disorder. If I confront them/my dad alone i imagine he will deny it, which is fine. However, I'm scared if I do this he will try and hurt my family in some way. Hes somebody who will protect his image in anyway possible. Im so torn on if I confront them or if I just randomly cease contact with them.

17/8/2016 10:23:05 am

Hello Amy,

thanks for getting in touch.

this is a big decision, and one that i'm sure your therapist can assist you with.

I wish you the best during his time!

Oliver

Dianna

20/8/2016 04:43:02 am

I have observed abuse (violence) in my family - the pattern has repeated over 4 generations. My aunt, her daughter, her granddaughter and her great grandson. My aunt explained she had a strict upbringing with beatings. She admitted to hitting her own children occasionally (what ever that means). Her daughter married a violent man and I witnessed them arguing with strong language at their daughter. Later I heard of beatings. In the meanwhile the mother also had a son for another man and was so violent that the child was taken away permanently. The daughter went on to have a son who she beats. He was taken away for a while but got beat later after being returned (he now hits back and was also known to self harm). The son is often stuck between the mum, sometimes his dad and his mum's half brother who was beaten. My aunt saw her errors and decided to report on all the abuse of her own daughter, granddaughter, and more recently of her great grandson. Nothing has improved much for him; his mother acted out how everything is fine. The boy would not speak to me, however he is known to have had marks on his body and crying. He went to his uncle and I asked that uncle if all is well and he told me everything is fine and that the boy has a good mum and she just "disciplines" him because he gets in with the wrong company at school. The whole family have accused my aunt of being a stirrer and have advised her to shut up. When things go wrong she is their first port of call for money, food or a bed for the night. She is suffering from bullying and stress. She has gone to the police and social services with her complaints. barely know the boy and he will not talk so I can only support my aunt in her quest to help things stop, however I feel she is the only one who is prepared to make a stand.

20/8/2016 11:00:55 am

Hello Dianna,

there is a lot of dysfunction taking place then.

It sounds like your aunt is doing a good job, and its good that she has you there to support her.

All the best,

Oliver

Marlena link

30/7/2017 09:15:43 am

They deny the abuse in order to survive emotionally in their own shattered world. These parents are often narcissistic and it is known that narcissism is a coping mechanism for trauma and shame.
If a narcissist agrees that they destroyed their child's first years of life with their abusive ways it will provoke an identity crisis and even deep trauma in the psyche.
I guess Sam Vaknin explained this really well in his videos about narcissism. Don't remember which one was it.
I love your articles. please don't stop writing.
Marlena

30/7/2017 09:16:58 pm

Hello Marlena,

I agree with what you have said, and I have heard of this guy.

Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.

Oliver

Sandy

4/10/2017 10:06:08 pm

As an older sibling who suffered severe abuse from a mentally disturbed mother and an alcoholic father my biggest problem in adulthood comes from my younger sibling who was considered the golden child. She was not physically abused but is In complete denial that any abuse occurred. If I try to speak to her about it she goes into a full blown screaming tantrum and blames me for bringing it up even telling me it was my fault. I now feel that I must end this relationship unless she gets some professional help.
My older brother was also abused so there's proof that I'm not lying but again my sister is in such denial that any of this occurred.

16/10/2017 08:21:00 pm

Hello Sandy,

it might be a good idea for you to work with a therapist.

All the best,

Oliver

Mary Ellen

12/10/2017 01:28:01 am

My mother spent most of my childhood telling me I was rotten and that no one would ever love me. After she went back to the church some of this subsided. As an adult I tried to put the past behind me. However, I do not think my mother can start a sentence to me without using the words, "if only you." Nothing I do is ever good enough. Quite a few years ago my mother called me to complain about something I did not do for her years earlier. I asked her if she could just let it go. She slammed the phone down on me. That night the memories of all the hurt I put up with in childhood came rushing back. I have not spoken to her since. She was very involved in a lot of community/church activities and many people almost think she walks on water. My hardest time is when someone asks how she is doing and I say I am estranged and then they proceed to tell me what a great lady she was and how much she did for them or the community. I never know how to respond.

16/10/2017 08:28:31 pm

Hello Mary,

I know exactly what you mean. There is what someone is like this behind the scenes and then there is the face that they show to the world, and these couldn't be any more different.

What you could do is just keep it very brief, as this will stop you from having to go into things that you would rather not go into.

And, if this is causing you to suffer, perhaps you could work with a therapist.

All the best,

Oliver

Charles

26/12/2017 01:59:45 am

I can't forgive my parents. I just can't. It's like they aren't human. They're full ego.

Mitch

12/8/2018 09:21:45 pm

I'm so glad to come across this Oliver. Thank you for the understanding aspect x

20/8/2018 01:38:18 pm

Hello Mitch,

thank you for your feedback. I'm pleased that this article assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

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Abusive Parents: Why Do They Deny What Happened?

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