When someone experiences some kind of abuse in their adult relationships, there is often the chance that they will identify with one of two outlooks. They can either see that this abuse is a reflection of what took place during their childhood or they can come to the conclusion that their childhood was fine and that it has nothing to do with it.
In the first example, it is more or less perfectly clear and there is no doubt whatsoever about where this abuse was first experienced. And as they are certain about it, they can take the steps to deal with that is taking place.
But when it comes to the second example, the whole thing could come across as a mystery and not make any sense. This could cause them to feel like a victim or that they are just unlucky.
The first person might then decide to look at their history and to work on it. Their intention will be to heal that happened and to put an end to it once and for all. As for how long this takes can depend on how severe their early abuse was and on the kind of support they receive, amongst other things.
With them knowing where the abuse originally came from, they will have a target. Knowing where to look and the kind of questions to ask will allow one to take action. As this process continues, they are going to see how their present relationships reflect their childhood relationships.
This will also require that one is completely honest with themselves. As there could be guilt, shame and fear that will stop them from being able to admit to what happened.
It can be easy for one to have an idealised image of their parents or the other figures around at the time and this can sabotage the whole process; primarily because this will stop someone from embracing the truth and this truth will need to be faced in order for one to heal and move on.
The Unknown Cause
So in the case of one coming to the conclusion that their childhood was fine, there is going to be a different approach to healing. One might believe that they have no control over who they attract or the kind of people they are attracted to; with attraction being a random process.
If they are relatively young, they might come to the conclusion that they will grow out of it and that this is just part of growing up. The opposite sex could also be labelled as being a certain way and that all men or women are the same and can’t be trusted.
It could also be put down to them just having low self esteem and confidence issues. So through them building themselves up, they will be able to move beyond this challenge. With very little being mentioned about their childhood and what kind of affect this had on them.
The Next Stage
So one could end a relationship that is abuse and attract another person who is completely different and that’s the end of it. It would then appear as though they have experienced an internal shift.
Or they could end up experiencing the same thing over and over again and end up feeling confused, frustrated, angry and powerless. So they are then stuck and unable to attract the kind of person or people who treat them in the right way.
A Closer Look
However, just because someone was abused in their childhood, it doesn’t mean that they can remember it or even want to admit to it. It could also be something that hasn’t been recognised as abuse and something that was seen as normal in their family of origin.
So this means that one could be in denial and have cut off all recollection to their childhood or certain parts, in order to avoid feeling the pain of what took place. And while this allows their mind to maintain their childhood illusions, their body and the people they attract into their life will tell the real story.
One also doesn’t need to be someone who experienced extreme abuse in the childhood in order to attract abusive people in their later years. All that needs to take place is for one to experience a one off violation or something that compromised them in one way or another.
What this then does is create an opening and through this, there is a chance that it will get bigger and bigger. So what first started off as being fairly insignificant, went on to become something far worse.
This could have been a mother who was critical and controlling or a father who was overprotective and got too close.
What these early experiences do is create a tolerance to that kind of behaviour and this is because it is familiar. And what is familiar is what is safe to the ego mind; regardless of it is functional or not. So one is then going to be drawn to people who remind them of their parents.
And it won’t matter if this is something that will enhance their life or not. One might consciously feel repelled by certain behaviour and yet unconsciously they feel drawn towards it.
Another person might start of as being overprotective or slightly controlling in the beginning. And as time passes, this gradually increases to include abuse that is far worse. The originally experiences made one receptive to this kind of behaviour.
When one experiences some kind of violation in their childhood, it is going to be an emotional experience and beliefs will also have been formed. And these will need to be dealt with or one is going to recreate the same reality.
These trapped feelings and emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or healer. And ones beliefs can be changed in the same way or through reading and consciously questioning what they believe for example.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.