Aggression: What Can Happen When Men Reject Their Aggression?

If one was to come across as happy, they are likely to be accepted by the people around them. However, if they were to come across as aggressive, they may not receive the same level of approval.

Now, this is not to say that this is black and white as it can all depend on the context, but what it does show is that not all emotions are seen in the same light. When one comes across someone who is happy, they are likely to come to the conclusion that they are safe to be around.

Yet, if they come across someone who is aggressive, there is a strong chance that they will see them as dangerous. As a result of this, they may want to keep their distance or to avoid them completely.

A  Force

Based on what happens when someone comes across as aggressive, it is clear to see how powerful this emotion is. And because of this, it would be easy to say that this emotion has no purpose in today’s world.

The best option is then to keep it hidden or to try and remove it; this will then put an end to aggressive behaviour. And as men are often seen as the ones who are aggressive, they can also end up being seen in a negative way.

Both Sides

Yet, as there is less pressure on women to act in a certain way, there is about as much chance of seeing a woman display aggressive behaviour as there is a man. This kind of behaviour often goes unnoticed due to how each gender has been portrayed for so long.

Nowadays, it is not uncommon to see men who are peaceful and women who are out of control. What this shows is that aggression is part of the human experience and not something that is only experienced by one gender.

Part of Being Human

While aggression can be used by a man to cause harm, it is can be used to move them forward and to allow them to lead the life they want to lead. What this comes down to is that this is a force, and force that can be used for ‘good’ or for ‘bad’.

Part of what will define whether it is used in a way that has positive or negative effect on one’s life will depend on how they respond to this force. If they were to deny this force, it will only set them up to experience problems.

Disconnected

This wouldn’t be the case if they could just disconnect from it; but this is not something that can take place. And although a man can still have a physical back bone, he can come across as though he lacks back bone in the other sense.

It can then be normal for him to lack drive and to come across as passive. Without this connection, there is likely to be a greater need to please others, and this means that he may not even be aware of his own needs.

A Doormat

As there is likely to be a greater focus on what is taking place externally as opposed to what is taking place internally, this may mean that being walked over is a way of life. This may take place not only when he is with other men, but it may also take place in his relationships with the opposite sex.

These experiences may mean that he has moments where he explodes with anger and the people around him may wonder why he acted in such a way. To them it is likely to be seen as ‘out of character’, but it is the result of continually being taken advantage off.

Guilt

And shortly after he has allowed himself to express what has gradually built-up within him, there is a good chance that he will end up feeling guilty. Once he has settled down, he may start to act in ways that will gain the approval of others.

This then allows him to regulate the guilt and the shame within him and to experience a sense of calm. However, unless he starts to stand up for himself, it won’t be long until the same experience happens all over again.

Self-Harm

There is also the chance that a man won’t have moments where he ‘explodes’, and he may end up keeping his true feelings locked up. In this case, he doesn’t end up harming others; he ends up harming himself.

This could take on the form on negative self-talk, self-sabotaging behaviour and even depression. The aggression within him can’t be used in a constructive manner, so it ends up causing one to self-destruct.

The Mirror

What takes place externally can be seen as something that has nothing to do with what is taking place internally or it can be seen as reflection. If a man has rejected his aggressive nature this can set him up to attract people who have gone to the other extreme.

On one side, this is may cause them to believe that they have made the right decision, and on the other, this can mean that it is normal for them to feel intimidated by others. Yet, it is not so much that they fear of the other people’s aggression; it is more a case of them being fearful of what may be triggered within them through being in their presence.

Containment

If a man is controlled by his aggression it will cause problems, but at the same time, it will also cause problems if he disconnects from it. The other approach is for him to integrate this side of himself.

When this happens, there is no need for him to deny it or to express it in a destructive manner and this is because he will be able to contain his aggression. Through taking this approach, his aggression may start to settle down, and this is partly due to the fact that he won’t be used to being walked over and so it won’t need to build-up.

A Closer Look

If a man is unable to contain his aggression, it is likely to come down to how his caregivers responded to this side of him during his early years. On one side, he would have needed his caregivers to offer guidance, and on the other, it would have been important for them to deal with their aggression in healthy ways.

When he displayed his aggression and looked towards his caregivers to offer guidance, he may have been disciplined, abused and/or neglected. As a result of this, it was not possible for him to develop the emotional strength to contain his aggression.

Consequences

This has then set him up to be in a position where he has no control over his aggression, and he then has no choice other than to reject it or to express it. And not only that, he may also be carrying an emotional built-up from those years and this will add to what has built-up throughout his adult life.

Awareness

It will be important for him to develop his emotional strength and this can happen through releasing the emotional build-up within him, and as this takes place, his aggression can be used as guidance and as a force to drive him forward.

This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. They will also be able to provide the support that they need in order to develop a healthy relationship with their aggression. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/