There are people in today’s world who have trouble with their anger, with this being something that has taken over their life. But, while there are people like this who reach out for support, there are others who don’t.
If someone in this position was to reach out for assistance and ended up changing their behaviour, it would make their life a lot easier. Through doing this, it would also mean that the people in their life would no longer need to experience this behaviour.
A Force for Good
It will then be a lot easier for the people in their life to settle down and to relax in their presence. In the past, some of the people in their life may have been on edge, in preparation for their next outburst.
If there were people in their life who have kept their distance, some of these people might be more receptive to them. Ones health is also likely to benefit from them being able to keep their cool, as opposed to getting worked up so often.
Business as Usual
If someone in this position doesn’t reach out for support, their life will continue to go down the same trajectory. The people in their life will also continue to be on the receiving end up their outbursts.
Yet, although some of these people will stay around, they may find that as time goes by, a number of people cut their ties with them. This will be a way for these people to look after their own wellbeing, and it can be a way for them to encourage one to change their behaviour.
Some of the people can believe that if one notices what is taking place, it might finally become clear to them how destructive their behaviour is. Telling this person directly won’t have worked, so maybe an indirect approach will work.
It then won’t be direct, but there is the chance that it will have more of an effect on one than simple staying around them, hoping that they will change. Another person could believe that staying around them is just validating their behaviour; whereas cutting their ties will send them a clear message.
A Mountain Out of Mole Hill
During the moments when one gets angry, it could be something that takes place when something doesn’t go as expected or if someone tells them that they haven’t done something right. Straight after this, or shortly after, they could become consumed with anger.
Their ability to behave in a rational manner is then going to disappear, with them coming across as though they have absolutely no-self control. One minute they can be clam and then next minute they can explode.
One way of looking at this would be to say that this shows that they are somewhat of a perfectionist. Out of their need to get everything right and to do their best, it is a real shock to their system when something isn’t in alignment with their high standards.
Not meeting their high standards then causes them to feel angry about how they have fallen short. If this is the case, it will be vital for them to realise that it is not possible for them to get everything right.
But, regardless of whether one can relate to this or not, they may be told that they need to learn how to manage their anger. Thus, in the same way that someone who is overweight will need to manage their hunger pangs, one will need to regain control of their anger.
One could then end up going down the behavioural therapy route, focusing on the thoughts that they have before they get angry. By no longer getting caught up in these thoughts and breathing deeply, for instance, their behaviour may gradually change.
However, while this person’s anger could be seen as the real problem, it could be said that their anger is just a defence. What they may find, that’s if they were to put their anger to one side, is that they feel worthless and helpless, amongst other things.
Therefore, if they no longer felt worthless deep down, they would no longer need to use this defence. With this in mind, focusing purely on their anger is not going to resolve the real issue – the only thing it will do is manage a symptom.
A Closer Look
When one is out of touch with how they feel at a deeper level, and is only aware of how they feel at a surface level, they can create the impression that they don’t want to feel worthless. This is then why they are getting angry when something doesn’t go as expected or when they do something wrong, for instance.
Even so, although they are consciously trying to resist how they feel deep down by getting angry, they are unconsciously attached to feeling worthless. So, if one is only aware of what is going on at the first level, they can deceive themselves into believing that they are not attached to what is taking place deep down.
A Big Part of Them
At a deeper level, feeling worthless and helpless, amongst other things, will be what is familiar and, therefore, what feels safe. Feeling this way will be a big part of their identity.
If they were not emotionally attached to feeling this way, they would have no reason to get so worked up. Getting angry can be seen as a sign that they don’t want to feel bad, when in reality; it is a sign that this is what feels comfortable.
What this illustrates is that there is what is taking place consciously and what is taking place at a deeper level (or unconsciously), and, without this understanding, it can create all kinds of difficulties. There is a strong chance that they felt worthless and helpless during their early years, and that this gradually become what felt comfortable as time went by.
But as the years passed, they would have ended up losing touch with what took place. Different defences would have built up over the years, disconnecting them from themselves in the process.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.