A few years ago, I could see that I found it hard to stand my ground and to assert myself. But even though I could see that this was a problem for me, I wasn’t sure about what I could do to change this.
And although part of me had had enough of experiencing life in this way, another part of me felt comfortable with how I was experiencing life. Still, I did what I could to find a way to change my life. The First Step I could see that I had trouble when it came to boundaries, and this meant that I looked into what could do to improve them. This wasn’t anything new, though, as I had looked into this area before. I ended up getting in touch with a healer called Ben Ralston and we started to work through the layers of trauma that I was carrying. When we were looking into why found it hard to stand my ground, he motioned something I hadn’t heard of before. A Powerful Force During this time, he spoke about what he called the “fight instinct” and this was the part of us that is there to ensure our own survival. It was there to keep us alive and to alert us to when we were being treated badly. He said that so many people had lost touch with this instinct and this was then partly why the world was the way it was. Therefore, although it was called the fight instinct, it had nothing to do with starting fights or killing people. A Different Energy This was an instinct that someone needed to be in touch with in order to look after themselves and to make the world a better place. Through being connected to this instinct, someone would be able to assert themselves and stand up against the injustices of the world. I thought that this instinct sounded incredibly important and I wasn’t surprised that I had suffered due to not having a strong connection to it. As time passed, I gradually become more connected to my fight instinct. In Balance I came to see that not only was Ben connected to his heart; he was also in touch with his primal nature. Unlike some spiritual teachers out there, he was aware of how important this side was. And, as I become more balanced, it was a lot easier for me to stand my ground and to pay attention to my own needs. Pleasing others was not something that appealed to me like before. A Vital Part If I had developed a strong connection to this instinct when I was younger, there is no doubt that my experiences on this earth would have been very different up until this point. It is highly likely that I would never have learnt about this instinct either. To find out more about Ben, and the services that he offers, please go to – www.benralston.org.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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I recently went to Stockholm, Sweden, and while I was there I spent time with a friend who I met many years ago. This was Peter, and this was someone who I met when I did a healing course in London towards the end of 2009.
After I spent time with him in London, I ended up meeting him again when I did another course in Antwerp, Belgium a few months later. We got on well during this time and have spoken over Skype ever since. Like old Times When I met Peter whilst I was away, it was as though a matter of days had passed since I last saw him, not years. This was partly due to the fact that we had maintained contact throughout this time and partly due to the kind of connection we have. As soon as we said hello to each other, we had plenty to say. And, ever since I said to peter that I would be coming over to see him, I was looking forward to spending time with him and talking about the kinds of things that we talk about. Down To earth I would describe Peter as someone who is very calm, open minded, understanding, easy going and mentally gifted. He is not someone who just goes along with what he hears or reads - he has a critical mind. As a result of this, I enjoy talking to him and finding out about what his thoughts are on certain things. When I said I was going to Sweden, Peter asked me what I wanted to do, and I said that that I was happy to just catch up and to do a bit of sightseeing. In The Beginning At first, we spoke about what I had been doing in Sweden and then we spoke about the kinds of things that we usually speak about. In the evening, he taught me a personal development technique that he had learnt and then we watched a documentary about Osho. His Wife, Lana, also joined us and this was a time when I told her about what I do. Peter asked me what I wanted to do the next day and I said that I wanted to find out more about the Vikings. An Exploration We ended up going to the old town in Stockholm and one thing we saw was a rune stone that had been placed in the wall of a building. When we ended up at the city hall, I thought it would be a good idea to interview each other. One thing he asked me was if coming to Sweden had inspired me and I said that it had made me want to travel more. After this, he said that travelling expands your mind and this was something that we had touched upon earlier. An Important Point He went on to say that, “getting to a new environment is the easiest and quickest way to change your thinking.” Through being in a new environment and having different thoughts, it was only too clear how true this was. I didn’t have to force myself to think differently or to read any books; this was something that just happened. Along with having different thoughts, my behaviour changed and I started to see things differently. Out of the Box I became aware of how much of an effect my usual environment had on what was taking place within me. What Peter said wasn’t something I hadn’t heard before, but being away reminded me of how much of an effect my environment has on me. If he had said this while we were speaking via Skype it wouldn’t have had the same impact on me; it would have just been information that sounded good. Shortly after this, he said that we had evolved to adapt to our environment. Something to Be Aware of It then made sense as to why adapting to my environment came naturally; whereas changing my environment to suite me didn’t. There are undoubtedly others factors involved here. I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Peter in Sweden and looking around the city. So, if you would like to find out more about Peter, and the services that he offers, please go to – www.pkarlen.com.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It is not uncommon to come across information about how to be assertive, and this surely shows how much of a challenge this is for so many people. If someone was to read a book on this subject, it could be for one of two reasons.
Two Experiences On the one hand, it could be a sign that they find it hard to stand up for themselves, meaning they are used to being walked over. Naturally, this is going to cause them to experience a lot of pain, pain that could be avoided. On the other hand, it could show that they find it hard to express who they are, and this is going to mean that they are in a far worse position. Unlike the scenario above, this person will rarely reveal who they are. A Big Difference Taking all this into account, someone will express who they are but they will find it hard to stand their ground from time to time, or they won’t be able to express who they are and being taken advantage of could be the norm. If one can relate to the former, they could believe that their life couldn’t get any worse. Here, one will be focused on what is going wrong in their life and overlooking what is going right. When it comes to the latter, they could also have the same outlook, and there is no doubt that they are worse off. For Example If someone is looking into how to become more assertive, it could show that they need to stop people from walking over them at work. Perhaps they hold a position of power and need to change their behaviour. On the minus side, they will have a problem with saying no and pushing back, but on the plus side, they will have a good job. However, if someone has trouble with revealing who they are to others, just about every part of their life might not be going as they would like it to. Black and White Due to this, it could be said that there is no grey here; there is only going to be one reason why someone would want to be become more assertive or to assert themselves in general. The trouble with this view is that someone can look for advice on how to be more assertive even if they are out of touch with their true-self. Along with this view, someone can have a ‘good’ job even if they are out of touch with themselves. They can then appear to have it all, but they can still hide who they are and this will give them the desire to let go off the mask that they wear. Level of Awareness This shows that someone’s level of awareness will dictate what kind of support that they reach out for. If one is out of touch with who they are but they don’t realise this, learning how to say no, for instance, might be enough. Yet, if they are in touch themselves and realise that they rarely, if ever, express themselves, they will know that they need more than this. Changing a few things is not going to cut it; they will need to do far more. True-Self When someone is in touch with their needs and feelings and they allow this information to define their life, they will be able to live a life that is worth living. They won’t need to please others and to neglect themselves in the process. What this will show is that they value themselves and that they feel safe enough to be able to express who they are. If one of these components is not in place, it will be a challenge for someone to assert themselves. One Experience If one finds it hard to say no from time to time but they can express who they are, it could show that this is what feels safe. So, during the moments when they don’t stand up for themselves, they could experience fear. Deep down, they may believe that if they don’t behave in this way it could cause them to be rejected and/or harmed. This could have been what took place if they asserted themselves as a child. Another Experience If one completely hides who they are and this causes them to play a role for most of the time, this is also likely to be what feels safe. It is then going to be far too dangerous for them to reveal who they are. Revealing who they are could be seen as something that would cause them to be abandoned and/or annihilated. Expressing themselves as a child wouldn’t have been an option. Early Years Therefore, if someone finds it hard to assert themselves, they may have been abused and/or neglected when they were younger. This would have stopped them from getting the love, care and nurturance that they needed to develop in the right way. One could look back and find that they were not physically abused, but they may find that they have had a caregiver who was very smothering. This would have stopped them from being able to explore and to assert their own will as a child. Awareness A caregiver’s own fear of being abandoned may have caused them to be a ‘helicopter parent’, thereby stopping their child from gradually being able to grow into an interdependent human being and to individuate. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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