When people think of a relationship, they often think about not only receiving, but also giving. These two parts come together to form a relationship and while it is not always possible to give and receive in each moment, this doesn’t mean that one of these aspects will then be ignored overall. However, there will be relationships where one person always takes and the other person will then either have to always give or leave the relationship completely. One could try to bring this observation to the other person’s attention and yet it won’t always have an effect on their behaviour. So there are many options available and it will often depend on how self aware the other person is, as to whether a more balanced relationship can take place. Unavailable There are some people who are attracted to people who emotionally unavailable and have a real challenge committing to a relationship. This could be due to them already being in a relationship with another person, travelling on a regular basis or because they have just come out of another relationship for example. But in the examples above, there is likely to be a certain amount of give and take involved. And while this person who is self-centred may not be in a relationship with another person, travelling or fresh out of a previous relationship, they are still not available. How it looks may be different, but the consequences are the same and one is attracted to someone who is not truly there for them. Self Centered To be with someone who is self-centred is going to be frustrating to say the least and one will feel as though they are doing all the work. So it is going to be a relationship that involves a lot of energy being given and no energy being returned. They could be always busy, caught up in their own life or overwhelmed by one challenge after another. And now matter what is going on, their needs and wants are always more important that one’s own needs and wants. So one is constantly compromising who they are, just to keep the relationship alive. There could even be justifications made as to why they are always busy. And if one is attracted to this person, they can end up being believed, at least at first. Pain If this is a relationship that lasts, it is not going to be life enhancing. For a while one may put up with this scenario, but over time, pain is going to build up. One can come to feel that they don’t deserve to have needs. They may even feel guilty for expecting their partner to be there for them or to actually give anything. So they could put up with this for a while and then find another person who is exactly the same. Because even though the person is different in the beginning, their behaviour could end up being the same. Patterns Here, one may come to notice that there are certain patterns to the kind of people that they are attracted to. And how every man or woman that they meet, seems to be the same. In the beginning it could have been all rosy and shortly after, the same experience appears. At this point, it would be normal to feel frustrated, angry and powerless. One may come to conclude that they are a victim and have no control over the kind of person they attract and are attracted to. The Ego Mind What shows up in ones life can be in conflict with who they truly are and yet at a deeper level, the experiences and situations that one continually finds themselves in, can feel safe. The ego mind forms associations of familiarity around everything and what’s familiar is what is safe. But just because something has been classed as familiar and therefore safe to the mind, it doesn’t mean that it is functional or healthy. And that fact that someone can be attracted to self-centred people is a clear example of this. How Did This Happen? At a conscious level this is only leading to pain and suffering and at a deeper level it feels comfortable. So in a way, it is a form of self sabotage and one has come to feel safe with what doesn’t support or nourish them. This may be hard to comprehend at first, that is until one reflects on how their needs and wants were responded to as a child. Childhood As a child, one is completely depended on their caregivers and whether they got their needs met or not, will depend on how responsive and emotionally aware they were. And ones caregivers don’t need to be responsive at all times, they just need to be available in most cases. If ones caregivers where emotionally undeveloped in some way and emotionally unavailable, it can lead to a role reversal taking place. Here, the Childs needs and wants are ignored and the Child has to take care of the caregiver’s wants and needs. So the child then comes to view their needs and wants as something to feel guilty about. And they may even lose touch with them and feel as though they don’t have any. Consequences Losing touch with ones needs and wants can take place, as can feeling as though other people’s needs and wants are more important. So through being there for others, others should be there for them. And through experiencing this so many times as a child, one can then come to feel uncomfortable with thier needs. If these early experiences were functional this wouldn’t be a problem, but as they were not, it only going to create more pain. Awareness For as long as one feels the same about their needs and wants, they will continue to recreate the same situations. One can feel guilty and ashamed for having them and even feel that it is not safe to have them. Feelings of rejection and abandonment could arise if one were to reveal their needs and wants to others. These feelings and emotions that have remained in one’s body since those formative years can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. For some people, changing how they behave and how they view their needs and wants may be enough. The right course of action can all depend on how much of a challenge this is for someone.
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When the idea of worshipping a woman is mentioned it can trigger all kinds of meanings in one’s mind. And what these meanings are can depend on is where one was brought up. To worship the feminine, which is what women physically represent, can be seen as sacred. The earth itself is often described as mother earth, the giver of life. And although men are the physical example of the masculine, internally they possess both the masculine and the feminine. Women are the same and also include the masculine. So when a man worships women he is putting them on a pedestal and they are being elevated. The Big Illusion This can cause a man to feel inferior and as though he has less value or importance compared to a woman. A woman is then not seen as a human being, but as someone who is perfect and even godlike. They can be seen as being from another planet and as being the key to a man’s happiness and fulfilment. Some women won’t have this affect, but there will be plenty of women who are seen in this way. And for a man who is straight and is therefore attracted to women, it will be natural to appreciate, value and admire a woman. However, this is not the same as seeing them as perfect. Women As women have challenges and issues just like men, this idea is completely inaccurate. They will have days and moments when they feel good and when they feel bad. Living in a world that is obsessed with physical appearances can make it incredibly stressful to be a woman. Men are vulnerable and so are women, to be human is to be vulnerable. So while their physical beauty can change as they get older, their inner beauty can always remain. And yet, this inner beauty is often ignored and overlooked in today’s world. Through the use of makeup and certain clothes, women are often made up to look perfect. But this is just an image and doesn’t reflect reality. Consequences To feel less than and below a woman is inevitably going cause a man to see them as perfect. It will also going to be a real challenge to have a relationship with one, as if they are so high up, one can’t help but feel so low down. Relating to a woman on an equal level is something that is unlikely to happen. A man can also compromise on what he values and wants from a woman, just to get close to a woman. And as a woman is not perfect, this can only lead to self delusion and to feeling as though one has been let down. If one woman doesn’t fulfil this idea, then another one may be sought that does. This cycle could go on and on, but the result will be the same. Projection So if a woman is simply a human being and is therefore not perfect, it means that a lot of projection is taking place. The man who worships women is not seeing women as they are; he is seeing what he wants to see. And through this process taking place, it is allowing a man to feel a certain way. So even though it seems as though the women is enabling them to feel this way, it is all coming from within the man. If anything, a woman is just a trigger in the whole process. Feelings During this process of being with a woman, a man can feel all kinds of feelings. It can feel as though they have become whole once more or for the first time in their life. Here a man can feel: accepted, loved, connected, empowered, important and fulfilled. And as a man can feel these things through being with a woman, it can feel as though they are in control as to whether they feel them or not. What a woman is doing is allowing a man to get in touch with what already exists within. The Mother Figure In most cases, it was the mother who first caused a man to feel these feelings. As a boy, the mother is often seen as a godlike figure. And this is because she has so much power and control. Whether their needs and wants are met will often depend on how responsive the mother is. So when she is responsive and emotionally available, it will enable the child to feel the feelings above. And in most cases this process will take place, but when one is brought up by a mother that is not responsive or available, there is going to be challenges. Here, one is going to experience many moments where they feel: abandoned, rejected, powerless, hopeless, empty, alone, betrayed and worthless. These feelings are then likely to be pushed out of the Childs awareness and end up being trapped in their body. Later Life As time passes and the boy becomes man, there will be the unconscious tendency to see certain women as they saw their mother. And the power she had in defining how they felt will be given to other women. The more emotionally unstable a man feels within in relation to his mother and the feminine aspect, the more likely he is to worship a woman. If he didn’t feel these feelings and felt more of a balance within, women would generally be seen as fellow human beings. Awareness Projection is not bad per se; it is part of what creates attraction to a woman and what attracts a woman to a man. And yet when there is a lot much projection going on, it can simply create separation between the sexes. As a man let’s go of the past and starts to realise that a lot of what he is looking for in a woman already exists within, it will be possible to see women from a more balanced place. One will be speaking to their equal, as opposed to someone from another planet. This process can be assisted through the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to get in touch with their feelings and release them; or through some kind of self study.
To walk all over a carpet or some kind of tiled floor would be normal. This is because the floor has no feelings and very few wants and needs for example. If the floor was used too much it may wear out; so it will need to be cleaned at certain times and it might even need to be replaced after a while. But other than that, there is not going to be much concern. And yet when it comes to a human being, having someone walk all over them is going to create problems. As human beings, we have: feelings, emotions, thoughts, wants, needs, preferences and desires and a physical body. So this means that one will need to protect themselves and to listen to what their body and mind is telling them. The Human Doormat However, even though this is something that is vital for ones survival and wellbeing, it doesn’t always take place and one then becomes a human doormat. Saying yes when one should be saying no is part of life. It could also result in one saying no when they should be saying yes. And this can relate to specific areas in one’s life or it can be something that has affected every area of one’s life. This person is wide open to anything and everything and is unable to set their boundaries. Examples For some people this may be something that occurs most in relationships with the opposite sex. Or it could be a challenge one has with friends, family members, colleagues or their manager. There may be certain settings and contexts where one allows themselves to be walked over and in others it could be fine. But it could be so extreme that one feels that they have no choice, no matter who it is or where they are. The Outside Observer To someone who has boundaries and can therefore say yes and no at the right times, this scenario can be hard to comprehend. Logically it doesn’t make sense, because they are continually being taken advantage of and their own voice is not being heard. And through seeing another behave in this way, it is unlikely to make sense. That is unless one has a deeper understanding of what is going on. While the behaviour is causing them to compromise who they are, it is there for a reason. The Inner Experience When compromise takes places, anger is not going to be too far behind. This person may question their right to exist and wonder if they have a right to have needs or wants for instance. And while others can stand up for who they are; this is not something that one feels safe to do. So along with anger, can be feelings of powerlessness, feeling invisible and the conclusion that one is unworthy of life itself. And the only way they can survive is by pleasing others and doing exactly what they want and expect from them. Two Sides On one side this is causing endless suffering and compromise; so it is clearly dysfunctional and unhealthy. At times one can please others without compromising who they are, but this won’t always be the case. There will be moments when one has to say no and to set their boundaries in order to protect their personal space. And on another side, this is what feels a comfortable and safe. To say no is not something that one can say with assurance; it is something one avoids at all costs. So even though it may be creating a life that is not worth living at times, to do anything else can cause one to feel incredibly vulnerable and guilty. Causes It could be that something happened in ones later life that made them conclude that it wasn’t safe to be who they are. And yet in most cases, it will relate to how one was treated as a child by their caregivers. This will typically come down to whether ones caregivers had boundaries or not. If they did, it would be natural for them to respect their Childs personal space and if they didn’t, then it would be normal to overwhelm and smother them. Childhood As a child, one has: wants, needs, feelings, emotions and thoughts. And if one is brought up by a caregiver that is emotionally undeveloped and unaware, it will be normal for the child to be used to take care of the caregivers needs. When this happens, a role reversal is taking place and the child becomes the caregiver and the caregiver has to become the child. So instead of the child being taking care of, the child has to deny who they are and be who their caregiver wants them to be. This is a matter of survival and while the child may be angry about it, there is very little that they can do. And as this is so, it can lead to the child coming to the conclusion that it can only survive by pleasing others. Here one may have been used to fulfil their caregiver basic needs and this could also have gone as far as being abused in some way. Consequences What was learnt in this early environment can them become how life is perceived. And as pleasing others and doing whatever they wanted was the only thing that felt safe as a child, one can continue to behave in this way. One can also end up feeling guilty for putting themselves first. The ego mind came to associate these early experiences as familiar and therefore safe. And to go against these associations can feel like death to the ego mind. The feelings and emotions that were experienced during these early moments would also have been pushed into one’s body. Awareness Inherently, one deserves to exist and to say yes and no when it is appropriate. And in order to realise this truth, it may be necessary to let go of the emotions and feelings that have been trapped in one’s body. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to release their feelings and emotions. As this happens, one will start to feel safe in their body and realise that they deserve to exist.
Defence mechanisms are used to stop the ego mind from becoming overwhelmed, as if they were not utilised, the mind may not be able to cope with the pain that is arising. So they are not good or bad or right or wrong, they simply there to ensure that one survives. Denial will be used during moments when the pain that one is experiencing is too much to handle. And while this can last for a short while and then come to an end shortly after, it can also go on to become part of one’s life. Here, one doesn’t experience denial and then come to face what was actually going on; they are in denial about something and never come to face what actually occurred. Their whole existence has then become an example of denial. This is of course an extreme case of denial and in most cases, it is not that extreme. What will typically make the difference is what one is in denial about. There are going to be something’s one could deny without too much trouble and then there are others that will lead to great challenges. Sports For example, one could be in denial about what sports team is the best; even though one has become the champions and the other team has not. And based on what the league table says or who has won the most, it would be clear as to what team is the best. But while this type of denial may create a bit on conflict between friends, it is unlikely to result in some kind of life challenge. It is often a sign of how passionate one is towards their team and so facing the reality of the situation can be difficult. Addictions When it comes to addictions that are destructive, such as the use of alcohol or drugs, denial can become a way of life. And these substances and many others are allowing one to avoid the feelings that would appear if they were to cut down or no longer engage in these addictions. So alcohol or drugs could be blamed and yet these are only there to enable one to avoid pain. And for the person who is addicted to them, it is common for them to say that they are fine and don’t have any problems. To hear this can seem strange and even odd, but they are just protecting themselves from pain. Abuse There are all kinds of abuse and if someone was abused by their caregivers as a child, they would have typically have had to denied how they felt. Because their survival was based on pleasing them and so it had to be covered up. And as adults, it can be extremely difficult to admit to what happened. If they were to admit to what took place, it could trigger all kinds of pain and their very foundations could be shaken to the core. So based on the kind of history that they could have had, to experience this pain again could lead to incredible suffering. They can come to conclude that the only way to cope with what happened is to deny its existence. Denial This shows that denial is not something to be taken lightly or dismissed. In some cases, especially in situations such as abuse, if one were to face what they are denying, it could result in some kind of meltdown. Denial is something we all engage in from time to time and is beneficial to our survival. What it really comes down to is how long one is in denial for and what they are in denial about. If this has become a big challenge for someone, then some kind of therapy or healing may be needed to allow one to face what is so painful.
When a relationship comes to an end some people come to conclude that it was no longer working and that its time had come. And then there are others who experience an end to a relationship and find it extremely difficult to let go and move on. This could have been a relationship that was working and creating a lot of fulfilment and it could also have been a relationship that was no longer working and was unfulfilling. So just because a relationship was not functional or healthy, it doesn’t mean that one can simply carry on with their life. Love Here one can end up feeling attached to the other person and this can make no sense; especially if the relationship wasn’t that good to begin with. It’s as if by the relationship coming to an end, the other person has suddenly become extremely attractive. And if one is not aware of this dynamic, it can be interpreted to mean that it must be a sign of how much one likes or even loves the other person. The need or desire to get this person back can then wipe out all rational thought and the ability to reflect on what’s taking place. Whether this person is suitable or not, then becomes irrelevant. And what started off as something one thought about from time to time or at certain moments, then completely consumes ones attention. Obsession Perhaps one can notice that they have become obsessed or it could be something that their friends, colleagues or family pick up on. Each moment of their lives is then coloured by what it would be like to be back together again or by going over how wonderful or perfect the other person is. This means that focusing on other areas of life is going to be a real challenge; as ones attention is being focused on one thing. As a result of this, how one behaves and perceives reality is going to correspond with what the mind is obsessing about. Consequences There is naturally going to be different consequences here and some of these can be extreme and others could be more subtle in nature. It could be clear that one’s ex is no longer interested and has stated their intentions, but when obsession is involved, this reality can easily be ignored. The mind will come up with all kinds of fantasies and ideas about how this can and will change. So one can text, call, email and even hang out where they live or work in order to get close to them. Sending gifts or offering to do things can also take place. It is then not a surprise for someone to compromise their integrity and bend over backwards, in order to try and get their ex back. To an outside observer it can be quiet obvious that the relationship is over, at least at this stage, but as a result of being obsessed, it can be more or less impossible to see. And this is often because it is too painful to face this truth and so staying obsessed can be a lot easier. Regulation On the surface it can seem as though the other person is the cause of one’s pain and that by getting them back it will lead to the removal of this pain. And from this perspective, it is only natural that one is going to become obsessed with the other person and to potentially do anything under the sun to get them back. Obsession is not good or bad, it is simply what the mind is doing to regulate the feelings and emotions that are coming up from the body. It is a form of protection and is stopping one from becoming overwhelmed by their emotions and feelings. Control However, when this process is not understood it can lead to one thinking that the only way to deal with this pain is to get their ex back. And as we are all individuals, this outlook is generally going to lead to more pain. If the other person didn’t have needs, wants or their own feelings, thoughts or emotions, then it would be natural to expect them to come back. And yet people change and grow and this can mean that who they are attracted to can change. One could use control or manipulation to get their ex to return, but this would be a form of violation and is unlikely to lead to a healthy and functional relationship. It might cover up how one feels for a short time and then it will soon return. Pain Now, some of these emotions and feelings can be the result of the relationship ending and relate to the other person. And they can also relate to emotions and feelings that have been trapped in one’s body for many years. They can go right back to when one was a child and reflect how one was treated by their caregivers. If these feelings and emotions were not dealt with during these early moments, they will have remained in the body. And relationships that one has in latter life will then retrigger them. And here one can feel: abandoned, rejected, suicidal, alone, ashamed, empty, powerless, hopeless, helpless and worthless for instance. So due to having these early emotions and feelings brought up and the present ones, it can lead to a lot of pain. Awareness If these feelings and emotions are overwhelming and too much to handle, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer who can allow one to release them. Being around supportive friends and family members will also make a massive difference. It will be important not to put pressure on oneself to move on or to start blaming themselves for how they feel. What is going on is not going to last forever and yet if it is resisted, it can last even longer.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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