Part of being human means that one has feelings and these are an important part of who they are. And when one is in tune with how they feel, their life is going to be radically different to how it would be if they were unaware of how they felt. Ones feelings not only connect them to themselves, they also allow them to feel connected to other people. Having the ability to feel can be the difference between living a life of connection and fulfilment or a life of being disconnected and unfulfilled. Without this connection, it is going to be a challenge for one to know what they want to do or what matters. And one could find that even if they are around others, they could still feel alone and cut off. Guidance Ones feelings are then an inherent part of who they are and it is vital that one pays attention to how they feel. Their feelings will guide them and give them the information that they need in each moment of their life. At times, this will relate to what one needs to do with their life in order to be happy and at other times, it could be a sign that one needs to stand their ground and exercise their ability to be assertive. Their feelings will allow one to know if they have worked too hard and therefore, if they need to take a break or to spend some time by themselves. And they will let one know if another person is safe to be around or if they can be trusted, amongst other things. Emotional Containment When one is connected to their feelings, it doesn’t mean that they will no longer have self control. As it will still be important for one to think and to contain how they feel from time to time. What it means is that one will accept how they feel and not deny, minimize or ignore their feelings. Their feelings are then being validated and given the attention they need in order for one to live authentically and as a whole human being. Invalidation However when one denies, minimizes and ignores how they feel, they are cutting themselves off from who they are. One is then no longer in harmony with who they are, they are in conflict with themselves. Their feelings are no longer being heard and accepted; one is then invalidating themselves. And this going to affect their ability to live a fulfilling life and this is because they will be estranged from what is taking place within them. Two Ways If one doesn’t listen to their own feelings, then there is not much chance that other people will listen to them. When one is not in touch with how they feel, they’re unlikely to show how they feel and the feelings of others could end up becoming more important. It then won’t matter if one is with someone who is interested in how they feel or not, as one isn’t going to give other people the chance to know what they are feeling. And then there are going to be people who invalidate ones feelings and are not interested in how they feel. It Starts From Within But while there are going to be people who have no interest in how one feels, if one doesn’t listen to their own feelings it is going to be a challenge for them to find people that do. Or even if they do come across people who do, it might be hard them to accept the support that is being offered. And this is because one has to realise that their feelings matter and when this happens, they will no longer put up with people who invalidate them. It will then be possible for them to attract people into their life who care and for them to recognise the people that do care. The Cause However, if one believes that their feelings are not important and this could be an outlook that exists at a deeper level, it is likely to be the result of how other people have responded to their feelings. This could relate to the experiences they have had as an adult, but the experiences they had growing up are likely to have had the biggest impact. It is during this time that one would have learnt whether their feelings are important or not. And this will also play a part in whether one feels that it is safe for them to show them. These early years will often define the kind of relationship that one has with their feelings. Childhood One may have had caregivers who stopped them from expressing their feelings and therefore invalidated them. This may have happened on the odd occasion or it may have been a way of life. One may have been ignored, abandoned or even harmed whenever they expressed how they felt. This then sets one up to do the same thing and to ignore their feelings. How other people responded to their feelings ends up being internalised and this then defines how one responds to their own feelings. Awareness In the beginning one had no choice and had to put up with people who invalidated how they felt, but as an adult one does have a choice. And when they form a healthy relationship with their feelings, the people they attract into their will reflect this inner change. The support of a therapist or a healer may be needed here. They will be able to provide the positive regard that one missed out on whilst they were growing up and have continued to miss out of throughout their adult years. The emotional pain that one experienced all those years ago, as a result of being invalidated, may have stayed in one’s body and will therefore need to be released. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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Although emotions are meant to flow, this is not something that always happens. This is not to say that one should always express how they feel; as this is not always going to be appropriate. What it will involve, is for one to accept how they feel and then to contain their emotional experience. This means that one won’t have to repress how they feel and neither will they have to react to how they feel. It times one will feel the need to deny how they feel or to react to how they feel and this is normal, but these won’t be the only options they have. Through having the ability to contain how they feel and to decide how they will respond to their emotions, one will be in a position where their emotions will generally be able to flow. This is not to say that they won’t be carrying any repressed emotions, what it means is that there is going to be less chance of an emotional build up in their body Labels And one reason why emotions are not allowed to flow is because of the labels that they’re given. This can happen in later life, but it is often something that has already taken place during ones younger years. So by the time one is an adult, they are unable to express their full range of emotions. And therefore, one is not able to contain how they feel. Instead, one has to deny how they feel and there could be certain emotions that they rarely, if ever, experience. Good And Bad For instance, one could believe that anger is bad and that they are not to express their anger. This could be an outlook that one is not consciously aware of but at a deeper level, it is playing a part in how one does or doesn’t feel. Men are often out of touch with emotions that cause them to feel vulnerable and so they might find that they repress sadness or grief. And for women it can often be the other way around. But these are just generalisations and opposite can also be true. What it comes down to is the pressure that men often feel to look strong and invulnerable. Whereas, if a woman was seen crying it wouldn’t be a shock, it would be seen as normal. Unsafe These labels would have caused one to believe that it isn’t safe for them to show certain emotions. And when this relates to ones formative years, the need to please others is going to be vital. At this time, ones focus would have been on what they needed to do in order to survive and not on whether repressing how one felt was healthy. While this may relate to certain emotions, it could also relate to emotions in general. One has then learnt that any form of emotional expression is to be avoided at all costs. And while this is then not healthy, it is what feels safe. Identity And as one doesn’t feel safe expressing certain emotions or emotions in general, it is going to play a part in their identity and how they see themselves. So as one doesn’t feel safe expressing a certain emotion or emotions in general, they will have formed a false self. One may been known as someone who never gets angry or who is always strong. Just as one could be known as someone who is always angry or always comes across as helpless. Ultimately this is just a mask that one wears and this mask is worn because it is what feels safe. Emotional Build Up If one has stopped themselves from expressing their emotions, there is the chance that they will have an emotional build up. So whenever these emotions start to appear, one is likely to do something to push them down again to avoid the pain. Consciously one might not know what is happening, but they’re going to feel compelled to do everything they can do stop themselves from having to face how they feel. If they were to face their emotions, they could end up being overwhelmed. Out Of Mind, But Not Out Of Site However, just because one is not aware of how they feel, it doesn’t mean that their emotions will just disappear and have no affect on their life. They will show up in others ways and one might not realise that their repressed emotions are the cause. Repressed emotions can cause one’s mind to become obsessive and out of control; one can experience physical pain and tension; one can end up being extremely judgemental and their behaviour can be reactive and out of control, amongst other things. On The Surface If one was to experience obsessive thoughts or to feel a strong emotional reaction to something someone else is doing, they might not see how this relates to what is going on for them emotionally. And if one is emotionally cut off or numb, this is to be expected. What is going on in their mind will be seen as having nothing to do with what is going on in their body and what they see as being an external problem will be seen as having nothing to do with what is going on for them emotionally. Going Deeper These ‘symptoms’ can be used to bring ones attention within and to enable them to reflect on what the causes are. And at first, one’s mind may dismiss or deny the connection, but it will gradually begin to appear if one takes their time and doesn’t allow their mind to sabotage the process. Awareness One might find that they need assistance here and if they have been out of touch with their emotions for many, many years, this is to be expected. This can be provided by a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Not only will they assist one in developing a relationship with their emotions, they will also give one the external support that they need in order to let go of the emotions that have built up within them. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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