It could be said that in order for someone to grow and to develop, they will need to feel comfortable with being vulnerable. The reason for this is that if someone has the need to protect themselves, they are not going to open themselves up to life.
Their main priority will be to do everything they can to keep everything the same and therefore, it will be vital to keep anything that is new or different at bay. But, while living in this way will allow them to feel comfortable, it will also set them up to live in a prison without bars. A Predictable Existence Their need to survive will overshadow the rest of their needs, causing them to neglect a number of their needs. Someone like this could look back on their life and see that their life rarely changes. There is then not going to be a fixed path in front of them, yet they will continue to walk in the same direction, so to speak. Living in this way is likely to mean that they will be used to feeling angry and powerless, but that doesn’t mean that they will be able to see what part they are playing in all this. Disconnected When it comes to the people in their life, they are likely to only allow these people to get so close. Thus, they are only going to share certain parts of themselves - the parts that won’t involve risk or emotional expression. Or, if they do express their emotions, they might only show the emotions that won’t cause them to feel exposed. So, anger, rage and frustration might be fine but, shame, guilt or sadness, for instance, will probably be off-limits. A Lack of Intimacy Keeping people at a distance is going to stop them from being to have relationships that are fulfilling. Their mind and even their body will be involved, but their heart is generally going to be overlooked. Ergo, if they are with another person, it is most likely to be a very surface level relationship. The kind of connection that they with this person might be very similar to the type of relationship someone can have with a pair of old shoes – they will have grown attached to them, but they won’t do a lot for their feet. Hiding There is always the chance that someone like this won’t have any friends or be in a relationship, only spending time around people when they are at work, for example. However, regardless of whether or not they have people in their life, they are not going to reveal their true-self to anyone. This is going to be something that would be too much of a risk, as it would be seen as something that would give other people the chance to harm them. Covering up who they are and playing a role won’t be fulfilling, but it will keep them safe. Inner Model What is clear is that when someone experiences life in this way, they are not going to have a very positive view of most people and the world in general. It may be as if most people want to humiliate them and to do what they can to keep them down. The best way for them to handle this will be to keep their guard up at all times and to do everything they can to make sure they don’t show weakness. In the same way that a rabbit that shows weakness will soon end up being eaten by another animal in the wild; showing weakness will be seen as something that will cause them to be torn apart by other human beings. A Cold World If they were to come across someone who is kind, compassionate and has the ability to empathise with others, they might wonder what is going on. This kind of person is going to go against the inner model that they have for people. In their mind, most people will be seen as lacking the ability to empathise and to be compassionate to others. Through believing that most people are like this, it is not going to be much of a surprise for them to do everything they can to make sure that they don’t come across as vulnerable. A Closer Look Now, it would be easy to say that not everyone is like this and that they just need to change what they believe. Another approach would be to look into why they have ended up this way before any suggestions are put forward in regards what they can do to change their life. There is a strong chance that they grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe for them to be vulnerable. Their mother and/or father may have been very abusive, making it clear that it wasn’t safe for them to reveal certain parts of themselves. Completely Sadistic Along with physically and/or emotionally abusing them, for instance, they may have been unresponsive to their suffering. In fact, they may have even seen it as a bit of a joke and not something that required their empathy and compassion. Perhaps one or both of their parents lacked the ability to empathise, making it impossible for them to receive the love that they desperately needed at this stage of their life. After being treated in this way for a few years, they would have soon got the message that it wasn’t safe enough for them to exist. Less-Than Human These early experiences would have caused them to experience a lot of trauma, trauma that is still going to be in their body. In addition to the fear and the anxiety that they carry, there will most likely lot of shame. Being treated in this way will have caused then to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them. With this in mind, hiding their true-self will not only be a way to stop people from harming them, it will also be way to make sure that people don’t realise how flawed they are. Awareness If they were to find out, it will be seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and then abandoned. The outcome of this can be that one will believe that their life would end up coming to an end. It is going to be essential for someone to reach out for support if they can relate to this, and this is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer. Ultimately, there is nothing inherently wrong with them, but they will probably only realise this after they have started to work through the layers of trauma that are within them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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When someone is emotionally settled, it is going to be a lot easier for them to think clearly. As a result of this, they will be able to decide how they will behave, meaning that they will be able to act like a conscious human being.
Not only will this allow them to make better decisions, it will also allow them to get on better with other people. Their body will be able to function in the right way, without having additional stress to deal with. The Perfect Scenario For some people, this will be how their life is in general; while for others, this might how it is from time to time. However, even if someone only experiences life in this way from time to time, they are still going to be better off than someone who is unable to experience emotional control. What this emphasises is how much of an impact emotions have on someone’s life. When this part of their nature is under control, it will give them the chance to live a life that is worth living. Greater Productivity Their life won’t be spent getting annoyed or worked up about what is going on around them, which will make it easier for them to focus on what matters. This energy can then be channelled into the things that are important Now, this doesn’t mean that they won’t ever lose their centre; what it means is that this won’t be the norm. They are then going to be able to experience different emotions, but this part of them will rarely take over. A Key Area So, if another person says something that they disagree with, for instance, it will be rare for them to completely lose it. In fact, there could be people in their life who have never seen them behave in this manner. Being able to stay calm even if they disagree with another person will allow their relationships to run a lot smoother than they would otherwise. Having civilised conversations with others will be something they are accustomed to. A Positive Effect The people in their life will undoubtedly appreciate that they can talk to them without having to worry about whether or not they will lose it. These people will be able be to relax in their presence. And, as they are likely to feel safe around them, these people may find that they are able to talk to them about almost anything. Their level-headed nature will be appreciated by the people in their life. Confusion If someone like this was to come across someone who was unable to control their emotions, they might wonder what is going on. It may seem as though this person is behaving more like a child than an adult. The answer is then going to be for this person to start taking responsibility for how they feel. Alternatively, seeing someone behave in this manner might make them think about whether or not they are different in some way. A Different Reality With that aside, when someone has the tendency to be emotionally reactive, their life is likely to be radically different. Regardless of whether they are with friends, family or at work, they could routinely lose their cool. It may only take something fairly trivial to set them off, which will stop them from being able to act like a conscious human being. They may even have alienated a number of people over the years and lost a number of jobs due to acting in this way. An Effect While the person above will be able to assert themselves, this person will most likely be used to being tossed around by life. What is happening around them is typically going to define how they feel, making it incredibly difficult for them to express their true-self. It will be as if they are a puppet that is being controlled by someone else, and this is going to stop them from being able to act like an independent human being. When it comes to the people who are in their life, some of them may feel as though they need to walk on eggshells around them. On The Inside If this is what they are like on the outside, it is going to be a challenge for them to experience inner peace. And, even if they are not getting worked up about what someone has said or done, they might get worked up when they think about what has been said or done in the past. Thinking clearly is going to be a challenge and this is going to make it harder for them to behave in a way that will have a positive effect on their life. Getting worked up may allow them to get an emotional release, but it won’t serve them in the long run. Stepping Back One way of looking at this would be to say that this person needs to develop the ability to observe their mind and to no longer allow their thoughts to control them. Once they can do this, they will be able to experience greater self-control. Another way of looking at it would be to say that they haven’t got the ability to regulate their emotions - or if they have, it’s not very well developed. Their brain is then not going to be operating in the same way as someone who can regulate their emotions. Why Is This? What this can show is that they didn’t get the kind of care that they needed in order to develop in the right way during the beginning of their life. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. The attunement that they needed to develop in the right way wouldn’t have been provided, setting them up to feel like a child in an adult’s body. In addition to this, they are likely to be carrying a fair amount of trauma. Awareness If someone like this wants to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. With the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance, they will be able to gradually resolve the trauma that is within them and to develop the ability to regulate their emotions in the process.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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