In November 2017, I had the opportunity to meet someone called, Geoff Hudson-Searle, who was an author and the managing director of a company that helps businesses to succeed. Our paths crossed after I sent him a message on a social media site and he suggested that we meet for a coffee.
I thought that it would be great to meet Geoff, which meant that I was only too happy to do this. Before I messaged him, I had read an article that he wrote called - ‘Why is customer service constantly so bad in the UK?’ A Solid Write Up There were a number of points that stood out in this article, and some of these points were already on my mind. In the beginning, it seemed as though I messaged Geoff because of the article. But once I met Geoff, I soon came to see that there was more to this than I thought there would be. When we got together, we did speak about customer serve but only for a short while. Other Areas In a way, I was expecting to meet someone who was very ‘left brained’, and this was due to the kind of industry that he worked in. Yet, I soon came to see that this was someone who was very much in touch with both sides of his nature. This meant that when I spoke about the kind of things that I wrote about, he was interested in what I had to say. Not only that, he could also relate to some of the stuff that I was talking about. The Listener After we had been speaking for a short while, he mentioned someone called, Colin Smith - he said that this was someone who I was likely to get on well with. One of the things that I remember him saying - in regards to Colin - was that listening was an important part of what he did. I was intrigued at this point and, soon after I got home, Geoff introduced me to him via email. It didn’t take long to arrange a meeting; it took place around two weeks later. A Unique Encounter When I first met Colin, what stood out was that he had a strong energy about him. Now, it wasn’t that I felt overwhelmed; it was that I could see that this was someone who has very much on the ball, sharp. What also had an effect was that he had a very firm handshake. The conversation started off with us speaking about nutrition, and this was in part due the fact that the restaurant didn’t have any alternatives to milk. Completely Engaged After this we spoke about a number of other things, I could see that this was someone who could actually listen. When I spoke he was completely present and he would often touch upon of some of the things that I spoke about. I felt heard and as though Colin actually cared about what I had to say. There was the effect that this had one me whilst we were in each other’s company, and then there was the effect that it had once we had parted company. Final Thoughts Our time together had a positive effect on my wellbeing, and this was something that carried over into the next day. This experience made me think about how rare it is to meet someone who truly listens. If you would like to find out more about Colin, please go to www.dexteritysolutions.co.uk.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
0 Comments
A few weeks ago, I felt the need to write an article about customer service, and when I was looking for information on a search engine I came across an interesting article. This was written by someone called Geoff Hudson-Searle.
For some reason, I ended up doing a search to find out more about him. I had a look through his business profile and, before long; he had a look through my profile and sent me a friend request. It Didn’t Take Long Soon after, we arranged to meet for coffee, and this was a time when I was trying to get my head around it all. I found it hard to understand how I was simply reading an article at one point in time and at another, I was arranging to meet the person who wrote the article. He was a managing director of a company that helps businesses to succeed and he had written a few books. I was surprised that someone like this would take the time to meet me. A Fulfilling Encounter When we got together, I spoke about what I wrote about and the kind of experiences that I have had, and he went into the reasons why he wrote his books and the kind of experiences that he has had. The first book he wrote was called ‘Freedom After the Sharks’ and this was followed by ‘Meaningful Conversations’. It soon become clear that he was down to earth and only too happy to assist me in any way that he could. Two People During this time, he mentioned someone called Colin Smith and another person called Andrew Zsigmond. He believed that I would enjoy meeting them and that they would enjoy meeting me. Colin was seen as someone who I had a lot in common with, and this was partly due to the fact that he knew how important it was to listen to people. Andrew, on the other hand, was a development director for an organisation that Geoff had supported for a number of years. The Connection This was an international human rights non-profit organisation with a mission to end Child Trafficking and Exploitation and to provide services for the children it affects. I had heard about child trafficking in the media and I had heard about it in films, but that was about it. However, although I didn’t know much about child trafficking, I had experienced child abuse and I had written about it, too. So, I thought that it would be interesting to meet Andrew and to find out more about what this organisation does. The Time Came Before I met Andrew, I did wonder what it would be like to meet someone who works in this kind of area. I soon came to see that he was easy to talk to and that he wanted to hear more about the kind of things that I write about. As he spoke more about what this organisation does, it become clear to me how important this work is. Then again, if I had a different upbringing, it might not have had the same effect on me. The Low-Down I asked Andrew to give me a rough idea of what this organisation does, and this is what he had to say. More than a third of all trafficking victims in the UK are children. These are young people that are forced to work nail bars, as domestic servants, as sex slaves or forced to cultivate and sell drugs. They are trafficked in from various places around the globe with promises of a better life, of jobs and of security. But in reality this is the opposite of what they end up getting. They incur debt to the traffickers for the supposed cost of their journey to a better future, and they are forced to pay this back at impossible rates, essentially becoming enslaved. They work in horrendous and often brutal conditions, under coercion and threat. This is an issue that is plaguing the UK. All across the country, in villages, town and cities these young people are exploited right under our noses. If we are not aware of their existence, we will often walk right by them, having no idea of the exploitation they endure; having no frame of reference. Love146 wants to ensure that we do know about this issue, that we can have it firmly “on our radar”, and that we can intervene when we see this happening. These children need our help, our advocacy and our intervention, without which their futures are terribly bleak. Love146 is an international human rights organisation. Their vision is the end of child trafficking and exploitation. Nothing less. They provide education to the public about the impact of this issue on our communities. They provide safe and secure accommodation where children who have been trafficked and abused are protected from further exploitation. They provide wrap-around care from skilled practitioners, carers and social workers, to offer them protection and a place where they can recover from their abuse without the danger of being re-trafficked. They empower exploited children to grow towards independence and reclaim their future. The website, for anyone who wants to learn more about the work of Love146 and support their efforts, is www.love146.org.uk.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Through reading books on self-development, taking courses and changing what was taking place in my mind, amongst other things, I started to settle down mentally and emotionally. This was something that often stood out when I was out socialising, as I generally felt as though I was in control of myself and that I could express myself however I wanted to.
When I think about this, the years that come to mind are 2009, 2010 and 2011, and then this all started to change after my father passed away and when a relationship came to an end in 2013. The inner instability that I had worked so hard to overcome came back with a vengeance. I Was Fighting a Losing Battle Shortly after this relationship came to end, I ended up being completely overwhelmed by my emotions. For around a year before this, the cracks had already started to appear, and this meant that this didn’t just come out of nowhere. In a way, it was similar to what usually happens when there is a leak in a roof that isn’t dealt with. In the beginning a few drops will appear and, over time, the water will come flooding in once the roof collapses. I Was Holding On My will to survive was pushed to the limit during this time, and the work that I had done up until this point didn’t have much of an effect. Having said that, I had developed the ability to observe my inner world, and this made it slightly easier. Still, observing what was going on within me didn’t really change anything - I was in so much pain. The one thing it did do is give me the chance to use my brain to reflect on what I could do to change my life. I Needed Help Before the relationship came to an end, I was already working with a therapist who was helping me to work through my emotions. Nevertheless, I wanted to find out as much as I could about what was going on for me. I wanted answers and I wasn’t going to stop looking until I found exactly what I needed. I didn’t believe that it was the therapist’s job to fix me or that they had all the answers, far from it. It Was Up To Me I had worked with other people in the past and I sensed that I would probably work with other people in the future, too. So, to put my healing journey into the hands of someone else made absolutely no sense to me. Also, just because this person was a therapist it didn’t mean that they knew everything; after all, they were only human. I had a brain that questioned just about everything, and this wasn’t going to change. A Dead End After I had been working with this therapist for a little while, I got to the point where it seemed as though I wasn’t getting any further. I had had this experience when I had worked with people it the past, so I was able to recognise the signs. There was a time when I felt the need to have more than one session and I ended up being told that I needed to be able to handle my own emotions. The reason for this was that I was always going to have them. Resistance Part of me thought that this true, but another part of me wasn’t fully on board with what I was told. I thought that there was a big difference between having emotions and being overwhelmed by them; it wasn’t that I wanted to lose the ability to feel. Deep down I believed that experiencing life in this way wasn’t normal and that there had to be a way for me to settle down. Having the ability to handle my emotions was clearly important, but if I had felt more at peace this wouldn’t have been an issue. Another Way It wasn’t long before I found another therapist to work with, and I came to see that I did the right thing. But just as before, I soon came to see that I wasn’t going to get any further by working with the same person. I went through the same process a few more times, and I would say that this is no different to what happens in other areas of life. For example, if someone wanted to become one of the best athletes on the planet, they are unlikely to have the same coach forever. A Few Factors When it comes to healing trauma, for instance, there is going to be what a therapist/healer knows and then there is going to be what their presence is like. This is why it has been said that it is not the technique that has the biggest effect; it is what the therapist’s/healer’s state is like. What this makes me think about is how important it is to take full responsibility for our own healing and not to expect anyone else to do it for us. If we play our part, there is no reason why the universe (or whatever word someone wants to use) won’t meet us halfway.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone hasn’t been living under a rock for a number of months, they are likely to be only too aware of what has been taking place in Hollywood. After a producer was accused of harassment and rape, a number of other men were accused of the same thing.
What is interesting about all this is that a number of the men who have been accused supported Hillary Clinton during the last presidential election. It is then as though the only reason all this has come out is because the Clinton family no longer have as much power. One Big Illusion If this is put to one side, it can seem as though the truth just happened to come out and that everything is now changing at the top. But if one looks deeper and sees how many of these men supported Hillary, a completely different outlook can arise. A more accurate way of looking at might be to say that these people are no longer needed, and this is why they have been exposed. Therefore, it is not about doing the right thing; it is simply about removing people who no longer serve a purpose. Appeasing the Masses The average person can then come to believe that justice is being served; when in reality, it is probably something that has been allowed to take place. One then has to wonder how many other people are there who are just as bad - if not worse - who are being protected by the powers that be. If this is the case, it would be right to say that there is absolutely nothing moral about what has taken place. One of the things brings this home is how many people were aware of what was going on and did nothing about it. The Fallout As the dust has settled, a lot has been said about how this shows how bad men are as a whole. This is something that some women have come out with and some men have also said the same thing. However, this hasn’t created much of an outcry, and this is due to how men are often portrayed in today’s world. In many ways, it is socially acceptable to bash men. The Norm If, on the other hand, a man was to say that “all women are bad”, he is likely to have a very different experience. There is the chance that he would be called a “sexist” or a “misogynist”, but when a woman says that all men are bad, this is unlikely happen, at least in mainstream society. This is in part due to the fact that men (especially white men) are often seen as being “privileged’ and having all of the power, which is then why it is acceptable to treat them badly. Based on this, it is as though women are powerless children and men are adults who have complete control. Completely Deluded The average man is likely to hear this and wonder what privilege and power is being spoken about. What they could think about is the quote by Voltaire “If you want to know who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.” If men, especially white men, had so much power, would they put up with being treated in this way? If these people were able to step out of their bubble, it might soon become clear who has the power in today’s world, and it certainly isn’t white men. Virtue Signalling So, as it is easy to bash men and to look virtuous while doing it, it is not a surprise that this is something that happens on a regular basis. Someone can say that all men are bad and it can be seen as being self-evident. Thus, there is going to be no reason for them to take a step back and to look into why they would have this outlook. Yet, if man was to say that all women are bad, they are likely to be told that they need to deal with the hate that is within them. A Common Occurrence When a man says that all men are bad, it can be as if this proves that this is actually the case – the man has simply accepted how bad he and his fellow men really are. On the surface, it can seem as though this man is a level headed human being. In reality, this is likely to be a man who doesn’t feel good about himself, but instead of being able to face up to this, he ends up projecting his own hate, guilt and shame onto men. What this will do is allow him disconnect from his own issues and to receive positive feedback in the process. A Deeper Look What stands out here is that this is also a man who is trying to receive approval from women, not men. This could then show that the reason he feels so bad about himself is due to how his mother treated him as a child. He didn’t receive the kind of care that he needed during this time and this is then why he is looking for women to accept him. In addition to this, perhaps his father wasn’t around or wasn’t a good role model when he was growing up, which would have caused him to develop a negative idea of himself and men in general. Another Factor But without even going into what took place when he was growing up, what has taken place in his adult years will have played a part. Maybe, he has treated women badly in his own life. This will have set him up to carry guilt and shame, and he might have spent a number years being told how bad men are at university. It seems that a lot of people pay to be indoctrinated at these places. Conclusion Ideally, a man like this would stop focusing on what is taking place externally and begin to get in touch with what is taking place internally. This would give him the opportunity to take responsibility for his own issues. The assistance that he needs, in order to do this, can be provided by a therapist or a healer. This is unlikely to be something that happens overnight, but it will happen as long as he keeps going.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
During the beginning of my life, I remember having two reoccurring dreams. In one of the dreams, I would be at the top of a flight of stairs and shortly after, I would fall down the stairs.
And in the other dream, or should I say nightmare, it was as though I was surrounded by everyone on the planet. Their attention, and the attention of the world itself, would be directed towards me. A Long Way Down The stairs that I would see in the first dream looked just like the stairs that we had at home. When I fell down the stairs in this dream, I would experience a lot of fear and panic; I thought I was going to die. However, I would always wake up just before I hit the ground. At the time, I didn’t know what was going on, but what I was only too aware of was how unpleasant this dream was. I Carried On It is hard to say how many times I experienced this dream as a child – in a way; it was just a normal part of my life. As a child, I didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to anyone about how I felt, so I would generally keep everything to myself. But while I didn’t know why I kept having this dream, it wasn’t as though I felt as I was on stable ground when I wasn’t asleep. In the real world, I would generally feel overwhelmed and as though I had no control over my life. An Unstable Environment This was a time in my life when I often felt that I was going to die; either through being hit so hard that my life would end, or by not being able to handle the pain of being neglected. I had no other choice than to simply tolerate what was going on during this time. Falling down the stairs was a time when I felt completely powerless and as though my life would soon be over, which was a mere reflection of how I often felt in my day-to-day life. At this time in my life, I had to do what I could to survive. A Different Experience Fortunately, the second dream was not as common, and this is because it was a lot harder for me to handle. With the first dream, I would fall and then it would soon be over, but this one would last for a little while. When all the attention was on me, I would end up being paralysed by fear, and on top of this would be shame. I felt as though it wasn’t safe for me to move and if I did, my life would soon end. It Was Incredibly Traumatising I would typically wake up breathing heavily and I would be drenched in sweat. The trouble was that even after I woke up, my mind would often be caught up in the nightmare. Another way of describing this nightmare would be to say that it was as if the whole world was closing in on me. As I got older and my self-awareness increased, I developed the ability to see what was going on, and this meant that I would end up turning the light on when I woke up to try to get out of it, amongst other things. A Challenging Time When the trauma that I experienced as a child was triggered around 2011, I started to experience this nightmare more often. The difference was that I had looked into the meaning of dreams at this point, so I was able to understand that dreams had to be looked at differently. I came to see that they were more symbolic than literal in a lot of cases, and that how I felt in a dream was often a reflection of how I felt in the real world. Though having this understanding, it enabled me to see how unsafe I felt. It Was Clear At the same time, this was a point in my life when I didn’t need a dream to tell me what was going on – I was only too aware of how fearful I felt. This nightmare was then a more intense version of the other dream. When I was being physically abused as a child and neglected, I felt as though the world was closing in on me. Thankfully, I stopped having these dreams after started to work though the pain that was within me.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a few hundred people were asked about what the purpose of an intimate relationship is, there is likely to be more than one answer. For some people, being in an intimate relationship could be a way for them to fulfil their basic needs, to have someone to share their life, and to grow.
When someone has this outlook, it could show that they don’t feel as though they are missing something. Another person is then not there to complete them; they are there to complement them. A Companion And as they feel like a whole human being, there is a strong chance that they will be drawn to people who feel the same way. One is then going to have a clear idea of where they begin and end, and a clear idea of where other people begin and end. This will allow them to realise that other people are not an extension of them, which will play a part in allowing them to see that it is not possible for another person to meet all of their needs. There will the needs that they can meet and then there will be the needs that they can’t meet. The Right Tool for the Job This is then going to be no different to how someone wouldn’t expect a screw driver to bang in a nail or to cut a piece of wood, for instance. They will have a number of tools that will be used for different jobs. In the same way, there will be a clear understanding that they would be putting their partner under too much pressure if they were to look towards them to fulfil every need. Doing so could be seen as something that would end up destroying their relationship with someone. Both Ways One could think about how they would feel if another person expected them to fulfil all of their needs. If they were to do this, they could end up feeling smothered and overwhelmed. Perhaps one has even been in this position in the past, and this might have caused them to feel as though they were the other person’s parent. Alternatively, one might have expected too much from others in the past. For Example Even though there could be a number of things that one can have in common with someone, there are bound to be things that they don’t have in common. This may mean that one of them will need to reach out to a friend instead. Also, at times one might not be able to be there for the other person emotionally or vice versa, and one of them will need to reach out to a friend or a family member. Through reaching out to others in this way, there will be far less pressure on their relationship. Another Outlook There are then going to be other people who believe that the purpose of a relationship is to be with someone who will always be there for them. Not only this, but this person will be expected to fulfil just about every need that they have. So, although another person is an individual with their own needs and feelings, it will be as though they are just an extension of them. Therefore, it might not be acceptable for them to have their own life. The Centre of the Universe If they are with someone, they might not want them to spend time around others or to have other interests. The reason for this is that one could feel lonely, or as though they have been rejected. On one level, one could believe that the other person’s life needs to revolve around them and, if it doesn’t, it could be taken as a sign that they don’t love them. The more one pushes the other person, the more they could pull away. Out of Balance In the beginning of the relationship, the other person might be willing to put up with this kind of behaviour. This could be because they will appreciate the attention, and it could show that they also feel as though they are missing something at a deeper level. One is then going to be an adult, but they will be behaving more like a dependent child. The only way that someone like this is going to be able to have a healthy relationship with another person is if they feel like an interdependent adult. A Deeper Look If someone like this was to take a step back, they may find that they are unable to view their partner as another human being. Instead, they see them as some kind of parent figure. When someone expects a lot from other people as an adult, it can show that they didn’t get what they needed as a child. With this in mind, there is the chance that one experienced a lot of neglect. A Lot of Power One’s physical appearance would have changed as the years went by, but what wouldn’t have changed was how they felt on the inside. The wounded child within them will still be looking to receive what it didn’t receive all those years ago. Another way of looking at this would be to say that when one expects another person to fulfil every need, they will be identifying with their wounded inner child. The key, then, will be for them to heal this part of themselves. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer. And as one begins to grieve their unmet childhood needs, they may find that they no longer need as much from others. Along with this, the adult part of them will be able to be there for their inner child.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
As far as some people are concerned, the purpose of life is to be happy; whereas for others, it is to live a meaningful life. When it comes to the former, it is going to be all about feeling good.
Pleasure or Pain So, when someone has this outlook, they may believe that the alternative is to feel bad. As a result of this, it is going to be normal for them to do everything they can to feel good. What is then generally going to define whether or not they do something is how it will make them feel. One way of looking at this would be to say that this is going to be a very shallow existence. A Deeper Experience When it comes to the latter, one may believe that the alternative would be for them to live a life that is meaningless. Consequently, it is going to be the norm for them to do what they can to make sure this doesn’t happen. And what will generally define whether or not they do something will depend on if it is in alignment with their purpose. Through being this way, they are likely to live a life of great depth. A Closer Look In order for this to take place, one will need to listen to their needs and to do what they can to fulfil them. This will relate to their so-called lower needs, and to their so-called higher needs. What this means is that they will need to take care of themselves and they will need to do what they can to fulfil their need to make a difference in the world. And, as surprising as this may sound, the only way that one will be able to truly make a difference in the world is if they look after themselves. Balance Through making sure that they eat right, exercise, take the time to rest, and have fulfilling personal relationships, for instance, it will give them the energy to extend themselves to others. If they don’t look after themselves, they are going to end up running on empty; said another way, they will be there for others but they won’t be there for themselves. Being able to be there for others is one thing, but is another thing altogether to do this without neglecting oneself. In order for one to be able to be there for themselves, they will need to value themselves and to be comfortable with their own needs. Another Component It doesn’t end there, though, as one will need to feel as though it is safe enough for them to fulfil their needs and to express themselves. There are likely to be moments when it would be easier for them to say yes than it would be for them to say no, and for them to simply go along with what others are doing. This is when one will need to stand their ground and to do something that won’t necessarily please others. But even though there will be moments when something like this happens, it is not going to cause them to change their behaviour. Part of Life One could be aware of the fact that they are an individual, which is why it is not possible for them to always go along with what someone else wants them to do. If they were simply an extension of others, it would be different. When one experiences life in this way, they could believe that this is how everyone experiences life. However, if they were able to put their reality to one side, they might soon find out that this is not the case. A Different Reality One is going to behave as though they don’t have their own needs and feelings, and this is going to make it difficult for them to life a fulfilling life. Whether they say yes or no, is typically going to depend on what is taking place externally. Doing what they can to please others is going to be their priority, meaning that their needs will be of secondary importance. And while this will allow them to please others from time to time, what it won’t do is allow them to please themselves. Conflict Part of them is going to have the need to do what they can to please others and another part of them is going to want to fulfil their own needs. Ultimately, having the desire to please others is not natural. The reason for this is that one is not working with themselves, they are working against themselves. Still, this is not something that has just happened; it is likely to show that there was a time in their life when it wasn’t safe for them to listen to their own needs and to go about fulfilling them. Way Back If one was to take a step back and to think about what took place when they were growing up, they may find that this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Therefore, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to assert themselves. Being treated in this way would have caused them to experience trauma and to develop limiting beliefs. Time has then passed, but due to the effect that this time in their life had on them, it hasn’t been possible for them to move forward. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer. Changing what they believe and healing the trauma that is within them will be two things that need to occur.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
On the one hand, there are men who do what they can to fulfil their own needs and, on the other, there are men who do what they can to please others. What this can bring to mind is someone who doesn’t give a damn about others, or someone who cares too much about others.
More Than Two Options However, even if a man puts his needs first, it doesn’t mean that he won’t reach out to others. In fact, he could be known as someone who is kind and generous, and this will show that he is a not a self-centred human being. And just because a man always puts other people’s needs first, it doesn’t therefore mean that he is a selfless human being either. This could simply be a way for him to try to get his needs met. A Grey Area What this shows it that this is not something that is black and white, even though it may seem to be. Yet, if a man is a people pleaser in one area of his life, it doesn’t mean that he will be this way in all areas of his life. For example, a man could stand his ground and pay attention to his own needs whilst he is at work, but he could soon change when he is around a woman. Or, he could end up becoming someone else when he is around his parents. True Fulfilment It could be said that the ideal will be for him to pay attention to his own needs in every area of his life. When he can do this, it is going to allow him to be authentic, which will make it easier for him to live a fulfilling life. How he behaves around people is generally going to be a reflection of his true-self, as opposed to an act that he puts on to receive positive feedback from people. Through being this way, it is also going to be far easier for him to be himself around women. Boundaries He will have clear idea of where he begins and ends, and a clear idea of where a woman begins and ends. This will allow him to tune into his own needs and to feel safe enough to fulfil them. As a result of this, he will be able to act like an individual around a woman as opposed to an extension of her. He will be able to decide how he behaves, which will give her the chance to connect to who he is. Courageous Through feeling comfortable in his own skin, it will also give him the ability to speak out and to express his own views. This is not to say that he will go out of his way to offend others, but at the same time, it also doesn’t mean that he will hold back out of a fear of offending others either. Now, this may mean that it is not common for him to rub people up the wrong way, but this is part of being an authentic human being. How this man experiences life is going to be very different to how a man experiences life when he has the need to please others. An Act What is going on within him is not going to have much of an effect on how he behaves; what is likely to have the biggest effect on how he behaves is what is going on without. In general, he could come across as easy going, and then have moments when he plays a certain role. So, regardless of whether he is at work, around a woman, or with his family, he could behave as though he is an extension of others, or, this could just be how he is around women. Either way, what this means is that he is not going to assert himself in every area of his life – at times, he will do what he can to fulfil the needs of the people around him. Two Options Consequently, he may find that he is not very successful with the opposite sex, and this may mean that he rarely gets his needs met in this area of his life. Thus, this area of his life could be like a desert. Alternatively, he could have women in his life from time to time but, he may find that he often ends up being walked over. It could then seem as though he doesn’t do enough, yet it is more likely that he does too much. The Priority When he is with a woman, he is likely to do just about everything he can to try to make her happy. His needs are then going to be put to one side - that’s if he is even aware what his needs are - and to focus on the woman’s needs. This is likely to be something that just happens when he is with a woman and not something that he has to consciously think about. It is then as if he believes that it is his responsibility to make a woman happy. A Weak Sense of Self If he had strong boundaries, it would be clear that it is not up to him to make anyone happy, let alone the women that he spends time with. He would be in touch with his own needs and feel safe enough to fulfil them. His need to be accepted is going to be one of the needs that are driving his behaviour and when this doesn’t happen, he could end up feeling rejected, worthless, and even abandoned. During the moments when he can’t please a woman, he may come into contact with these feelings. Role Reversal The way that a man like this behaves around a woman has a lot in common with how a child behaves around a self-absorbed mother. When a mother is focused on her own needs and the child’s father is not around or is simply emotionally unavailable, the child can end up being used to fulfil her needs. Instead of paying attention to the child’s needs and giving the child what it needs in order to grow and develop, the child disconnects from themselves and becomes an extension of the mother. Through being used in this way as a child, it is then normal for them to grow into an adult who is out of touch with their own needs and feelings, has a weak sense of self, and believes that it is their duty to please a woman. Awareness It is going to be essential for the man to get in touch with his own needs and to develop boundaries. Another part of this process will be for him to integrate the masculine aspect within them. One of the ways that this can take place is by working through the pain that he experienced as a child and has experienced as an adult. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Free Speech: Does The Attack On Free Speech Show How Feminized The Western World Has Become?1/12/2017
While men are a physical expression of the masculine and women are a physical expression of the feminine, it doesn’t mean that each sex only has masculine or feminine traits within them. Now, this is not to say that each person on this planet is made up of half of one side and half of the other.
A Big Difference It would be easy to say that men are more masculine on the inside and women are more feminine on the inside. The reason this is easy to say is that it doesn’t require much thought. In reality, there are men on this planet who are more feminine than some women and women who are more masculine than some men. What is going on internally and what is taking place externally will play a part here. Two Sides When it comes to what is taking place internally, it is going to relate to the effect someone’s childhood had, what their brain is like, and their temperament. On the other hand, when it relates to what is taking place externally, what is going on around them will influence how they behave. For example, if someone was to work in a competitive environment, it would be normal for them to become hardened. Yet, if they worked around children or in a caretaking role, this could cause them to soften. A Big Role With this in mind, it shows how much of an effect the environment can have on people, and this is something that can’t be overlooked. So even if someone is more masculine than feminine or vice versa, it doesn’t mean that this will shine through. Due to the environment that they were brought up in and what has taken place in their adult years, they might have disconnected from their true nature. The role that someone plays can then have nothing to do with who they are. The Reason But even though there are environments where someone can become more masculine or more feminine, it could be said that the western world in general has become more feminine. This can be seen when it comes to what is valued and on the behaviours that are seen as being acceptable. Equality, empathy, tolerance, love and inclusivity, for instance, are words that are often expressed in today’s world. One way of looking at this would be to say that the reason the western world has become more feminised is due to the fact that this is the natural state of human beings and nature itself. Way Back In the past, boys would go through different rituals and rites of passage in order to become men. This, then, allowed them to develop their own masculine identity; without this, it wouldn’t have taken place. Nowadays, this is not something that really takes place for young boys – in fact, a lot of them grow up without a father. The boy is then likely to take cues from his mother when it comes to how to behave and what to believe, and this can set him up to be a people pleaser or a ‘nice guy’ – thereby setting him to live a very frustrating existence. More of the Same It won’t end there, though, as he is likely to end up in a school that is primarily made up of female teachers, and this will probably be the case if he goes to university. This is likely be a time when he will be expected to take on even more feminine values and behaviours (and he may even be told that men are to blame for everything and that masculinity is “toxic”). But with that aside for the time being, it is not much of a surprise to hear that the masculine element needs to be developed whereas the feminine element just is. Everything on this planet that has been built will gradually disappear if it is not maintained, and this is the masculine element in action. Being and Doing Ultimately, the masculine is about doing and the feminine is about being. Thus, if a human beings natural state is feminine, it is clear to see why someone has to ‘do’ things in order to develop the their masculine aspect. Without this action, force and drive, it can be hard to imagine what the world would look like. For example, if one wants to develop a strong and muscular body, they will need to do something on a regular basis; if they don’t do this, their body will stay the same, or it will simply return to how it was before. Completely Misguided So when it comes to the values that the western world promotes, there can appear to be no reason why anyone would have anything against them. Along with these values, it is not uncommon for people to believe that people have a right not to be offended. On the surface, this can all sound so wonderful; it can seem as though the western world is evolving in the right way. Another way of looking at it would be to say that the western world has lost its way. Self-censorship The western world has, in part, only been able to develop in the way it has through people being able to express their views. This is how growth and change occurs; without it, it is not possible for this to take place. Out of the need to avoid offending someone and the consequences that may arise, one can silence themselves. This is then tantamount to one being in a car that is about to crash, but not saying anything because they don’t want to “offend” anyone – the trouble is that when it comes to a society, it can take a while for someone to realise that it has ‘crashed’. Out of Balance It is then irrelevant as to whether what someone has to say is the truth, as this will be of secondary importance. What probably needs to be done to balance this out is to encourage people to take responsibility for how they feel, develop self-control, and to learn how to regulate their emotions. This is what is likely to happen when someone develops the masculine aspect within them, which will stop them from feeling victimised by what people say. One will then be able to assert themselves and to find their centre, as opposed to being tossed around by life. Conclusion Telling people that they have a right not to be offended is, in many ways, setting them up to suffer unnecessarily. What this also overlooks is the fact that whether or not someone is offended generally depends on how they interpret what has been said or done and not on what has actually been said or done. At times, life can be tough, and what can make it even tougher is when people are conditioned to believe that other people control how they feel. It is then as if the powers that be are more concerned with controlling people than they are with empowering people.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|