Bad Behaviour: Can Toxic Shame Cause Someone To Put Up With Bad Behaviour?

When it comes to bad behaviour, there are some people who put up with it and then there are others who have a very low tolerance for it. This is not to say that this is always black and white; as there are going people who alternate between the two.

Ideally, one will be in a position where they don’t tolerate bad behaviour; no matter who it is from. In order for this to be the case, one will need to have strong boundaries, and to value and respect themselves.

This will the enable them to stand their ground and to do what they need to do to put an end to behaviour that is dysfunctional. It will also be important for one to be emotionally aware; as their feelings will play an important part in their ability to recognise when the behaviour of another is inappropriate.

A Vital Part Of Life

At times, people are going to behave in ways that are destructive and something will need to be done about it. This could how another person always behaves or it could be a one of. They might not be aware of the affect their behaviour is having and be only too happy to change what they’re doing.

Perhaps they’re just testing the waters and seeing what one will tolerate. This might take place unconsciously and is therefore something they are not completely aware of. If one stands their ground, the other person might stop and start to behave in ways that are more respectful.

Different Situations

There is also the chance that they will just continue and then one will have to decide whether they need to spend less time around the other person or to no longer be around them.  It can all depend on the kind of relationship that one has with the other person.

If this relates to a situation where one is in a bar or in a restaurant, then it is likely to be different to when this relates to bad behaviour in a relationship. Clearly, one will still need to stand their ground, but in this instance, one is unlikely to have an emotional connection with the other person.  

Emotional Connection

When there is an emotional connection it can make it harder for one to recognise bad behaviour. Through being with another person for a certain time, one might have become accustomed to how they behave. They might also fear that if they were to speak up, that they might lose the other person or that it could lead to disapproval or rejection.

Whereas when it relates to a situation in a bar or a restaurant, it might not only stand out, but one doesn’t have as much to lose for pointing it out. If a waiter or a barman doesn’t acknowledge their transgression, one could simply leave the establishment for instance.

Self Image

But at the same time, if one is in touch with how they feel and someone they are close to acts in a way that is inappropriate, it should stand out. The difference between whether one speaks up or puts up with bad behaviour can come down to how one sees themselves.

If someone was asked whether they deserved to be treated badly, they might disagree or they might agree. But actions speak louder than words and this means that if one wants to know what they truly believe they deserve, they will need to observe their behaviour.

Normal

While some people won’t put up with bad behaviour, there will be other people who simply put up with it. In their reality, this could be normal and just how life is.

It then might not matter whether it is from people they have known for years or a few minutes, as their response is the same. One might even wonder why they put up with it and don’t stand up for themselves. So not only are they being treated badly by others, they could also be beating themselves up for not doing anything about it.

Worthless

Although one doesn’t deserve to put up with bad behaviour, it doesn’t mean they feel this way at a deeper level. Here, one can feel as though they deserve to be treated badly and that’s why they put up with bad behaviour.

Feeling worthless can be a sign that one is carrying toxic shame and this is more than just a feeling, it is an identity. It is not that one feels bad; it is that they are bad. So if one feels this way on the inside, when people treat them badly on the outside, it is not going to stand out.

Flawed

When ones view of themselves is that they’re flawed and less than human, being treated badly is then nothing more than they deserve and this is why they put up with it. But while this is how one sees themselves and how they feel, it doesn’t reflect their true nature.

What this is likely to reflect is how they were treated during their childhood years. How they’re treated as an adult is then a reflection of what took place during these formative years.

Childhood

This could have been a time where one was told that there was something inherently wrong with them and/or their experiences may have caused them to feel this way. Here, one may have been verbally, physically, emotionally and/or even sexually abused.

Awareness

So time has passed, but one still carries the emotional experiences of the past within them. The toxic shame and the other feelings that have remained in one’s body will need to be faced and released. The assistance of a therapist or a healer is likely to be needed. 

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Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/