Boundaries: Can Someone Be In A Boundaryless State If They Experienced Developmental Trauma?

If someone was able to step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they have the tendency to isolate themselves. At other times, when they are around others, they could lose themselves and end up going along with things that are not in alignment with who they are.

Naturally, living in this way is going to mean that it will rarely be possible for them to truly embrace life and their true self will rarely see the light of day. Not being around others will stop them from losing themselves, that much is clear but what it won’t do is allow them to connect to anyone, and, being around others will stop them from being alone but as they hide their true self, they won’t be able to truly connect to anyone.

The Ideal

Now, if they didn’t have the need to isolate themselves and didn’t lose themselves around others, their life would be radically different. They would only need to isolate themselves if they chose to; it wouldn’t be something that they felt compelled to do.

As for losing themselves, this wouldn’t be something that plagued their life either. If they did end up in a position where they didn’t feel as though it was possible for them to stay connected to themselves, they could stand their ground and/or simply walk away.

Standing Firm

When this is what takes place, it will show that they feel safe enough to assert themselves and feel comfortable being in their body. Thank to this, there is no reason for them to continually pull away from life or themselves.

They will be able to do what they need to do to move forward, not backward and to stay connected to themselves, not to be disconnected. Right now, given how they currently experience life, this could seem like a pipe dream.

The First Step

However, as they are able to see what is going on, it will show that they have already taken a step in the right direction. Not only could they be experiencing life in this way but they could be completely oblivious when it comes to what is going on.

Due to this, it wouldn’t be possible for them to do anything to change their life. Their life would continue to play out this way and, as a result, they would continue to suffer unnecessarily.

Looking Back

If they were to think about their life, what they may find is that this is how they have been for as long as they can remember. Consequently, this could just be seen as how their life will always be.

Part of them may even believe that they were simply born this way and so there is nothing that they can do. Undoubtedly, if they are strongly identified with this part of them, they are unlikely to be filled with hope.

A Life Sentence

According to this part of them, they will just have to accept what is going on or at the very least to do their best to tolerate it. How they live life is unlikely to fill them with joy and a sense of empowerment, so tolerating the life that they lead is going to make them feel even worse.

Fortunately, their life doesn’t have to stay this way forever, providing that they do what they need to do. Before this step is taken, though, the big question is: why is their life this way?

Going Deeper

Regardless of whether or not their childhood years were not very nurturing, what may have had the biggest impact on them is what took place during their infancy and toddlerhood. This may have been a time when they were often neglected.

When they were not neglected, their caregivers might have seldom attuned to their needs and ended up overwhelming them. Therefore, due to a lack of bonding and the right attunement, they would have been deeply traumatised during this time.

The Only Option

Being left would have been deeply painful and receiving attention from unatunned caregivers would have also been just as painful. To handle this pain, they would have had to disconnect from themselves and go into a collapsed, shut down state.

Not receiving the care or love that they needed would have also stopped them from being able to grow and develop. A number of associations would have been made, such as it is not safe enough for them to exist or to be in their body and that people are not safe.

A Boundaryless State

If, on the other hand, their caregivers had attuned to their needs and bonded with them, they would have learned that it was safe for them to be in their body and to exist. Their fellow human beings wouldn’t be seen as a threat either.

Also, through having their needs acknowledged and met on a consistent basis, they would have started to develop a strong sense of self and boundaries; to get a sense of where they begin and end and where others begin and end. Yet, without the care and love that they needed, they wouldn’t have developed a strong sense of self or boundaries.

The Outcome

Back then, as will still be the case now, losing touch with themselves was the way for them to protect themselves from all of the overstimulation that they were experiencing. At this stage of their life, they were unable to speak up or find different caregivers – they were totally powerless.

As they are now an adult and not a dependent, helpless infant or toddler, there is another way for them to experience life. Nonetheless, in order for them to know this at an emotional level, they will need to work through their emotional wounds and traumatic responses.
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Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk