Boundaries: Can Someone Find It Hard To Say No If They Were Abused As A Child?

What someone may find, if they were able to reflect on their life, is that they have the tendency to do what they don’t want to do. They may see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.

Thus, instead of asserting themselves and saying no when they don’t want to do something, in general, they will go along to get along. By living in this way, they are likely to know what it feels like to feel frustrated and even deeply violated.

Their Experience

This can be because, on one side, they will go along with things that they would rather not do and, on the other, they will go along with things that are deeply destructive. For example, they can go out when they would prefer to stay in and other people can do things to them that they don’t truly want them to do.

When it comes to the latter, this can mean that other people have touched them and done other things to them. Also, they may have been physically harmed and not done anything to defend themselves.

A Doormat

As a result of how they experience life, they could see themselves as a powerless victim. It will then be as though they have no control over their life and they simply have to tolerate living in this way.

Naturally, if they don’t have any control over their life, it is not going to be possible for them to do anything about it. Their miserable existence will continue and they might end up doing their best to avoid others.

Self-Protection

By keeping their distance from others, they will be able to decrease their chances of being walked over. They are likely to be sick and tired of being treated like dirt and isolating themselves from others will be seen as their only option.

The issue with this, of course, is that this will deprive them of the human contact that they need to be able to thrive. But, if they have endlessly done things they haven’t wanted to do and been mistreated by others throughout their life, this is likely to be the last thing on their mind.

An Exercise

Still, even if they do see themselves as a powerless victim, it doesn’t mean that they are. The fact is that they do have a choice; if they don’t want to do something, they don’t have to do it.

Now, if they were to imagine that they are in a situation where they are asked to do something that they themselves don’t want to do, they may find that they don’t make this clear. At this point, they could wonder why they don’t stand their ground.

A Strange Scenario

This will be an imagined situation in their mind where they do have a choice but they won’t feel as though they have a choice. If they were to imagine saying no, they could end up feeling deeply uncomfortable.
Therefore, they are not going to feel safe enough to express themselves, which is why they won’t be able to stand their ground in both this imagined situation and in a real situation. During this time, they could also experience tension in their throat.

A Closer Look

After this, they could wonder what is going on and why they are experiencing life in this way. If their life has indeed been this way for as long as they can remember, it can show that their early years were not very nurturing.

This may have been a stage of their life when they were abused and neglected. Ergo, instead of receiving the love, care, protection and guidance that they needed, they would have been greatly undermined.

A Brutal Time

By being treated like a worthless object as opposed to a valuable being, they wouldn’t have developed a felt sense of safety, security, worth or love. Their voice would have also been taken away from them and they would have disconnected from their aggression.

Ultimately, they would have been treated like a slave who had no rights. At this stage of their life, they were powerless and totally dependent, so they had to put up with what was going on; they were not in a position to fight back or to find somewhere else to live.

A Natural Outcome

So, as they had no choice as a child and if they tried to assert themselves they were likely to have been harmed and/or abandoned, it’s not much of a surprise that they are unable to assert themselves and to say no now that they are an adult. Yes, what took place will be over as far as their conscious mind is concerned but to another part of them, their conscious mind, it won’t be over

This part of them will still perceive life in the same way and it will be loaded up with pain. To this part of them, behaving differently will cause their life to come to an end and so, being walked over, as painful as it will be, will be seen as a far better alternative.

Awareness

The truth is that they have the right to be here and to say no when they don’t want to do something. For them to realise this at the core of their being, though, they are likely to have beliefs to question and emotional wounds to work through.

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk