Boundaries: Can The Fear Of Being Abandoned Stop Someone From Having Boundaries?

Human beings have an inherent need to feel safe and when they don’t feel safe, they can end up building walls around themselves. But while one might feel safe though having them, what they won’t be able to do is to embrace life.

On the other hand, if one has boundaries they will be able to embrace life. Here, walls won’t be needed and one will still be able to protect themselves and therefore, it will be possible for them to feel safe. From this, it is clear to see that boundaries are the best option and that walls should be avoided.

However, even though walls are not the ideal and will harm ones life, it doesn’t mean that one is able to let go of them. Based on their outlook, this could be the only option that one has.

Another Option

And if one hasn’t built walls around them, then they could find themselves in a position where they end up doings things that they don’t really won’t to do. Now, there are going to be times in everyone’s life where they have to do things that they don’t want to do.

But that is not what is being spoken about here. What this relates to is not being able to stand ones ground; to say no or to disagree with someone else. So although one hasn’t built walls round themselves, they are not going to be any better off.

Back And Forth

This doesn’t mean that some people build walls around themselves and other people just end up being walked over. As one could alternate between the two depending on how they feel or who they are with for instance.

If one was to go by appearances alone, they would see that these options are different but they both have the same thing in common. So through behaving in these ways, one feels safe.

Normal

This could be normal for them and just how life is. And when one acts in these ways, it could be something that just happens without them needing to even think about it. Intellectually, one might wonder what is taking place and why they act as they do.

Or one might have an idea as to why they act as they do but have no idea how they are going to make the changes that they need to make. But whether one is aware of why they act like they do or not, it is clear that one is in conflict with themselves.

Conflict

Part of them wants to stand their ground and to express who they truly are and another part of them only feels safe when they are being walked over or when they isolate themselves. So, their body wants one thing and their mind wants something else.

And while conflict can be used to enhance one’s life and to push them forward, in this case, it is going to cause problems. At one point in time, one is likely to have had an experience or a number of experiences where it wasn’t safe for them to have boundaries.

Associations

And based on what happened, one will have formed certain associations around boundaries. Time may have passed and one may no longer be aware of what happened, but their life is still being defined by what happened.

One thing that can stop one from saying no or from standing their ground is the fear of being abandoned. As an adult, if one is left by another person they are not likely to die but while one might realise this intellectually, at an emotional level, they could feel as though they wouldn’t survive.

Relationships

This fear could arise in ones relationships with their: family, friends, colleagues or their partner for instance.  How this fear affects one’s life can all depend on how strong it is. If it is really strong, it could cause one to put up with people who are controlling or abusive.

The need to speak ones truth is there and yet; the fear of what might happen stops them. This could also mean that one ends up in relationships that are out of balance and where they always try to please the other person.

As An Adult

So as an adult won’t die, in most cases, if they are left by another person, it can be hard for one to comprehend why they feel as they do. However, the reason one associates being left with death is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood years.

Childhood

During the first few years of a child’s life, they haven’t got the ability to regulate their emotions; this ability hasn’t been developed yet. So if one is left during this time, it can be overwhelming and feel like the end of the world.

For someone who has trouble with boundaries, this could have been a time where they experienced neglect or conditional love. And this then set them up to become a people pleaser. This would have been a way for them to avoid being left by others.

Emotional Experience

Time has then passed but their emotional experiences of the past have remained trapped in their body. One then feels the same, sees life in the same way and therefore behaves in the same way.

Awareness

The feelings in one’s body will need to be faced and then released. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. 

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Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/