When someone feels safe in their own body it is going to make their life a lot easier. But while this is the ideal, this is not something that everyone on this planet can relate to.
If one doesn’t feel safe in their own body it will be normal for them to be walked over and/or for them to isolate themselves from others. This is naturally going to stop one from being able to embrace their true-self around other people.
One might be labelled as a people pleaser and someone who is easy-going, but this is not going to reflect their true nature. How they come across may create the impression that everything is fine.
However, although this may be the impression that one creates, it is not going to reflect what is taking place within them. Based on their outlook, this is likely to be the only way for them to survive.
Keeping people at a distance, as a way to avoid being violated, is not going to be much better. They won’t be walked over and neither will they have to put on an act, but they will be disconnected from other people.
One is then going to be in a position where they have gained one thing and lost another. Yet, if they were to join other people as a way to avoid being isolated, they would soon feel violated.
It then won’t matter what they do; as both options are going to cause them problems. There will be some people who choose to be around others even though they are walked over and then there will be others who prefer to be on their own
One may alternate between the two options; it can all depend on how they feel and who they are around. In order for someone to be around others without feeling violated, it will be important for them to develop boundaries.
After one has spent a certain amount of time by themselves, the need to be around others is likely to make them reach out once more. One then spends time around someone or a group or people and while this may have a positive effect on them, it might not.
If they end up feeling violated once more, they may just isolate themselves again; with this being a pattern that occurs at certain points in their life. These experiences could cause one to believe the world is against them and that they have no control over their life.
However, as one has the need to be around others, to avoid others or to keep them at a distance is going to cause one to suffer. Part of them wants to reach out and another part of them doesn’t want this to happen.
It is then not that they enjoy being by themselves, it is that this is the only way for them to protect themselves. What this shows is that something is not right and while this may be something one is used to, there is a reason why they are this way.
One is not going to be able to share themselves with another person; this will be something they have to deny. This doesn’t mean they won’t have friends or a partner though; as they may have relationships with others that lack depth.
These people may encourage one to open up, but they might also be in the same position. This means that one won’t feel the need to open up and the people they spend their time with wont feel threatened either.
When one thinks about what it means to have boundaries, having the ability to say yes and no may come to mind. However, having boundaries means that one feels safe in their own skin.
It is not just about what one says or what they do, it is also about how they feel. Having boundaries will mean that one feels as though they are safe and this is because of the energetic bubble that is around them.
While human beings are inherently vulnerable, they are going to feel far more vulnerable without boundaries. However, when someone has boundaries it is not because they were born that way, it is because of how they were treated during their childhood.
During these early years, one would have needed their caregivers to meet their needs (more often than not) and to respect their personal space. As this happened, one would have realised that it was safe for them to exist and they would have gradually developed boundaries.
If, on the other hand, one’s needs were rarely, if ever, met and their personal space was ignored, they wouldn’t have had the chance to develop boundaries. They would have believed that it wasn’t safe for them to exist and that the only way for them to protect themselves was to keep other people at a distance.
As one had to disconnect from their needs it would have created incredible pain, but it would have been a matter of survival. At his age, it wouldn’t have been possible for one to walk away and this would have meant that they had to put up with the abuse.
While one was powerless during these early years, they are no longer powerless as an adult. This means that one can reach out for the support that they need in order to develop boundaries.
On one side, one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and on the other, they will need to have corrective experiences. Grieving their unmet childhood needs will allow them to let go of the pain that is within them and it will play a part in them being able to develop boundaries
The corrective experiences will allow them to change their inner model and to see people differently. Both of these things can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.