Boundaries: Does The Fear Of Being Abandoned Stop You From Having Boundaries?

When someone is used to being walked over by others, they can feel like a victim, or they can have a different outlook. When one can relate to the former, it will be normal for them to feel as though they have no control over their life.

Alternatively, when one doesn’t see themselves in this way, they could believe that they do have control over their life. In this case, they will believe that they can do something about what is taking place.

Two Experiences

At the same time, this doesn’t mean that one will always believe that they can do something about it. As they may have moments when they see themselves as a victim, and this is naturally going to have a negative effect on how they see life.

When it comes to how long this inner experience will last, it can all depend on what has taken place. This could be an experience that will pass after a few hours, or it could last for a number of days.

The Difference

Still regardless of whether this lasts a few hours or days, it is going to be radically different to if one’s whole identity was based around them being a victim. It is then the difference between visiting a country and living there.

Once one has settled down and realises that they are not simply an effect of their environment, they will be able to do something about how they experience life. Their inner state will give them the energy that they need to move forward.

In The Past

However, if one does have moments when they are able to step back from what is taking place, it doesn’t mean that they have always been this way. There may have been a time when they always saw themselves as a victim.

At one point in their life, something caused them to see life differently, and this then stopped them from having the same identity. Perhaps one was able to see how their behaviour was playing a part, or they may have had a conversion with someone that changed their outlook.

Open To It

It would then be easy to say that this was something that happened randomly and that one got lucky, for instance. This could be so, but it could also show that one was ready on someone level.

In the same way that seeds will only grow on fertile ground; it would have been necessary for one’s mind to be ready. If their mind wasn’t ready, it probably wouldn’t have had an impact on them.

Deaf

What this shows is that someone can end up not hearing something even if there is nothing wrong with their ears. This could be because it goes against what the mind believes, and so it will do everything it can to block it out.

On one side, this will stop one from experiencing pain, but on the other side, it won’t enable them to change their circumstances. Their mind is then running the show and one will continue to suffer.
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Stuck

This is something that can take place when one sees themselves as a victim; with their mind blocking out anything that goes against what they believe. It could then be said that they are not ready to change their life.

Weeks, months or years could pass before they are ready to change their life. Ultimately, one is on their own journey and no one else can make them change.  

Unable To Draw the Line

When one is in a position where they are walked over by others, it is going to be a challenge for them to listen to their own needs and feelings. What they will be used to is putting other people’s needs and feelings before their own.

They are then rarely, if ever, going to come cross as assertive, and the people around them could describe them as being easy going or passive, for instance. As a result of this, they could be seen as the ideal person to have around.

Abuse

One can then be used to saying ‘yes’ when they would rather say ‘no’ and end up doing things that they don’t want to do. This is likely to cause them to experience a lot of frustration and anger.

It could even mean that one allows other people to harm then in some way, and this could be physical, verbal and/or emotional abuse. Either way, one is tolerating behaviour that is casing them harm.

Self-Harm

Instead of one looking after themselves, they are doing everything they can do undermine themselves. It is then not as simple as one being harmed by others; it is that they are allowing themselves to be harmed.

The trouble is that when one is not aware of what is taking place within them, it can seem as though they are not playing a part in what is taking place. At a deeper level, one could be carry a lot of pain within them, and this pain can be what is defining their life

Trauma

If one was to get in touch with their body, they may find that they fear being abandoned. The pain that they go through by putting other people’s needs first can be a lot easier for them to handle than the pain they would experience if they were abandoned by others.

What this shows is that although they are an adult, they don’t feel like one; this is likely to show that one’s younger years were a time when they were neglected on a regular basis. To be left at this age would have felt like the end of the world, and how they felt as a child can end up coming to the surface if they are left.

Awareness

The years have passed and yet the trauma they experienced all those years ago has stayed within them. Along with this, they would have ended up being emotionally undeveloped.
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If one can relate to this and they want to change their life, they may need to work with a therapist. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/