Boundaries: Why Do Some People Fear Setting Boundaries?

In order to protect ones personal space and what they own, it will be important for them to set boundaries. Other people are not always going to know what ones boundaries are; if people could reads minds, it would be different.

At times, other people will know what is appropriate and what is not. But there will also be times when other people do things that cause one to feel compromised or even violated. This may be the result of them having the intention to cause harm, and yet it could also happen by accident.

One could cause another person to feel compromised without meaning to. It is not that they have set out to harm another or to make them feel comprised; it is just that their boundaries are different.

Speaking Up

This is why it is vital that one speaks up and makes sure other people know what is appropriate and what isn’t. Setting boundaries is not something that will happen once and that’s the end of it; it will be a day to day occurrence.

So while this can mean that one will need to speak up; it could also involve them using their body language to emphasis what is acceptable. Setting boundaries is one thing, but if one doesn’t stand by their decisions, it won’t matter.

A Push Over

For example, is one constantly says no to something and then changes their mind shortly after; there is the chance that other people will still walk over them. This is because other people will see that one doesn’t stand their ground and is easily swayed by others.

They might stop people from walking over them in the beginning, but that might be as far as it goes. One then becomes an easy target and ends up in the same position as someone who doesn’t set boundaries.

Being Consistent

So whether one doesn’t stand their ground or only does so for a short while, the consequences are likely to be the same. The ideal will be for one to stand their ground and to stick to the decisions that they make.

This is not to say that being flexible is therefore negative and one should never change their mind. But if one changes their mind and ends up letting another person walk over them, they are going to suffer in one way or another.

Fear

If one doesn’t set boundaries at all, there is the chance that they will experience fear from the beginning. And when it relates to people who set them and then give in shortly after, there is likely to be a delay in when they experience fear.

And as a result of feeling fear, one then ends up doing what other people want them to do. If other people always knew what ones needs wants were, this wouldn’t be a problem. The problem is that even if another person knows them extremely well, they are still not always going to know if they are completely comfortable with something or not.

Feeling Comfortable

So as it is not always possible for other people to know when one feels compromised, it is vital that they feel comfortable setting boundaries. All the time they feel fear when it comes to setting boundaries, they are going to stop themselves from doing what is in their best interests.

This also shows that one is experiencing inner conflict; they are pleasing other people instead of pleasing themselves. And this could be something that cases minor problems, to something that causes extreme suffering.

A Deeper Look

On the surface will be fear and this is likely to relate to the fear of being abandoned or harmed in some way. And the reason their mind associates setting boundaries with being abandoned or harmed is due to what has taken place in their adult years and/or what happened during their childhood.

Childhood

As a child, one may have had caregivers that were out of touch with what their needs and wants were, and were more focused on what they needed and wanted. So if one was to express themselves, they would have been abandoned or harmed in some way.

Being abandoned at this age would have felt like death, and so one would have done anything they could to avoid having to being left alone. From these experiences; one would have learnt form a very early age that pleasing others is the only way for them to survive.

If they were to go against what the people around them wanted and to listen to themselves, they would not survive. And all the time these associations are still in place, it is not going to be possible for one to feel comfortable when it comes to setting boundaries.

Letting Go

These early experiences would have caused one to create certain beliefs and to carry trapped emotions within them. So as these beliefs are changed and one releases their trapped emotions, it will be possible for them to feel that it is safe for them to set boundaries.

One can do this by working with a therapist or a healer. It will all depend on what ones needs are and how much of a challenge this is for them.

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Oliver JR Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/