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It could be said that just about everyone on this planet has a fear of death; however, this doesn’t mean that just about everyone is paralysed by this fear and unable to freely live life. When someone is in this position, deep down, they can have a fear of death but, in general, it won’t affect their life.
As a result of this, they will be able to leave their home, go to work, travel, try different things, have a fulfilling relationship and speak to “strangers”, for example. Now, this is not to say that it won’t be possible for someone like this to push themselves further, though. Limited Like everyone else on this planet, they will have an ego-mind that associates what is familiar with what is safe. Due to this, as free as they will be, they will still be restricted by the part of them that just wants to keep them safe. By understanding this part of them and seeing it as being there to protect, not harm, they will be able to experience even more freedom and to express even more of their true essence. Another Reality There are going to be others who will be more or less paralysed by this fear, which will stop them from being able to live freely. Thanks to this, each day of their life can merely be about surviving, not thriving. Still, this is not to say that this is something that they will be consciously aware of; it can be something that is just outside of their awareness. Even so, it will be something that is defining their life, and will continue to do so until they become aware of it and take the necessary steps. How It Looks When it comes to their life, then, they may or may not leave their home very often, they could have a job that is totally soul-destroying but not do anything about it, they may or may not travel, they may have a relationship that doesn’t fulfil them and they might rarely, if ever, talk to “strangers”, for example. If they do push themselves out of their comfort zone, it could be the exception. By living this way, they might often feel frustrated, helpless and deeply depressed. Although they will be playing a part in how they are experiencing life, it can seem as if they have no control over their life and are nothing more than a victim. One Purpose Their ego-mind, won’t allow them to be as free as the person above, causing them to live in what could be described as an invisible prison. What is classed as safe to this part of them will relate to living in a way that is severely limited. This part of them is there to keep them alive, not to make their life a misery, and while it will do that, it won’t do much else. What this part of them believes that they need to do to survive will make it extremely difficult for them to live a life that is filled with love, joy, freedom and growth. A Closer Look At this point, it can seem strange as to why this part of one’s being would be this way. It could be said that as they are going to die at one point or another anyway, they are simply wasting the life that they have been given. Also, it could be said that their fear of living is stronger than their fear of dying. If this wasn’t the case, they would be out there living life to the full, perhaps while doing their best not to die, as opposed to watching their life go by. Going Deeper Although it may seem as though their greatest fear is living, there is a strong chance that how they live is seen, at a deeper level, as the only way for them to survive. If they were to no longer behave in the same way and freely express themselves, they could soon end up feeling as though they are going to die. This could be a time when they will experience a lot of fear and anxiety and feel totally helpless and as though they have no control. Additionally, they can be overwhelmed by physical and emotional pain. What going on? What this can show is that they were often neglected during their early years and this would have greatly traumatised them. Whenever this took place, they would have been overwhelmed with pain and felt like they were going to die and their only option would have been to repress how they felt. This may have been something that took place whenever they displeased their caregivers and for no apparent reason. By not receiving the love and care that they needed to grow and develop, they would have stayed in a developmentally stunted state. The Message In addition to this, these experiences would have taught them that they needed to please others and behave in a certain way, in order to survive. So, as an adult, if they are in a relationship, they may lose themselves in this person and practically always do what they want. Unconsciously, they will view this person as their parent and it will be essential for them to keep them around. If they were to leave and one was unable to find someone or something else to keep their pain at bay, they would have to embrace how they felt all those years ago. Awareness The truth is that what they fear has always taken place and they survived. Nonetheless, for them to realise this at an emotional level, they will need to face and work through their pain. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer. Most likely this won’t be something that is over in a few months, it could take many years but it will be worth it.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Someone’s emotional self will allow them to feel connected to life and others, and to feel supported. Clearly, then, this part of them will serve a very different purpose to their mental self.
This part of them will give them the ability to think, plan, reflect and understand how they feel. Therefore, both of these aspects play an important role in their ability to live a life that is worth living. The Ideal With this in mind, when both of these aspects are in a good way, one will be able to operate as a whole human being. They will have access to the resources that are inside them and to handle life. When one is not in this position, their life is going to be a lot harder than it needs to be. This can mean that they will often be overwhelmed by their feelings or they will be out of touch with how they feel. One Experience If they are often overwhelmed by them, this part of their being is likely to be seen as a problem. They will be like a small raft in the ocean that is tossed all over the place by the waves. In their case, they will be tossed all over the place by their emotional waves. As opposed to feeling like a strong and capable adult, they are likely to feel like a powerless and dependent child. One Outcome Due to being this way, they can be drawn to people who come across as strong and having it all together. They could practically give themselves over to these people, unconsciously seeing them as parental figures. They are then likely to lose themselves around these people but these people will provide them with the stability that they lack. Lacking an internal sense of strength, they will need others to provide them with the strength that they lack. Another Experience On the other hand, if they are often out of touch with how they feel, they can typically feel as though they are missing something. The support and substance that their emotional self would provide them with will be missing, so this is to be expected. Being thrown around by their emotional waves won’t be something that they generally experience but they won’t be any better off. What can be their biggest issue is feeling empty, numb, and ungrounded. One Outcome By being this way, they can be drawn to people who are emotionally unstable. From the outside, it will appear as though they are radically different to these people; in reality, these people are likely to reflect how they feel deep down. If they were to get in touch with how they feel, they could be just as unstable as the people they are drawn to. One will typically have the lid on their feelings, whilst some of the people in their life won’t. A Closer Look Now, regardless of whether one is generally all at sea emotionally or is out of touch with how they feel, they are not going to feel supported. One way of looking at the difference between someone who is generally all at sea and someone who isn’t would be to say that the formers ability to repress how they feel is not very effective whilst the latter’s ability to repress how they feel is very effective. But, beyond this, they are both not in a good way emotionally. This part of someone’s being should be there to give them the support and nourishment that they need; it shouldn’t be a source of pain. What going on? When it comes to why someone’s emotional self is not serving them, it can be due to what took place during their early years. This may have been a time when their needs were rarely, if ever, met and they may have been physically harmed. Instead of having experience after experience of having their developmental needs met, which would have allowed them to develop emotionally, they would have been deprived of the nutrients that they needed time and time again. Along with this, each time this took place they would have been deeply wounded. Loaded With Pain Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but they will be carrying the pain that they experienced all those years ago. Unless this pain is dealt with, they won’t be able to access the strength that is inside them. Their emotional self will continue to be a part of their being that undermines them and they won’t be able to be in their power. They will look like an adult but they will feel like an abandoned child. The way out is through As the pain inside them will relate to how they felt as a child, it won’t be possible for them to think this pain away. The only thing that changing their thoughts will do is repress this pain. If their thoughts were causing these feelings, then it would be possible for them to think this pain away. What this comes down to is that while one’s thoughts can define how one feels, they can also trigger feelings that are held inside their body. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although there are certain feelings that someone can acknowledge, there are others that they can avoid. For example, if they were to experience anger, they could allow themselves to feel this feeling.
However, if they were to experience toxic shame, they could end up pushing this feeling out of their conscious awareness. Unlike anger, this feeling won’t allow them to feel strong and powerful. Deflated If they were to embrace this feeling, they are likely to feel weak and powerless, and they could emotionally collapse. With this in mind, it won’t be a surprise that they will probably do their best to avoid this feeling. Or to be more accurate, do their best to avoid this inner experience as, clearly, it will be more than just a feeling. After this happens, they can end up creating a whole personality around the absence of not only toxic shame but shame in general. Way Back This is, of course, something that can take place during someone’s adult years or it can take place during their childhood years. If this is something that took place during their early years, it would make sense as losing touch with their shame might have been their only option. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Through being egocentric, they would have believed that the reason they were being treated badly was that there was something inherently wrong with them. Loaded Up As a result of this, their being would have been filled with toxic shame and they would have ended up disconnecting from it. Thus, they won’t have needed to lose touch with their shame as an adult as this would have taken place very early on. The trouble is that as it is not possible to lose touch with toxic shame and to still be able to experience shame, they will have grown into an adult who is lopsided. They will have created a false self on top of their true self; so they will be estranged from their true feelings. One Priority But, due to how long ago they lost touch with their shame and created this false self, they are unlikely to be aware of what is going on. Without realising it, they will need to keep how they truly feel at bay. Part of their false self, the self that has been built on their true self, will be the view that they are better than others. How they see themselves, then, will be the complete opposite of what is really going on for them. A Massive Cover-Up Nevertheless, as they feel so bad about themselves deep down, it would make sense that they would need to create an identity that is the complete opposite to keep their true feelings at bay. So, although they can put a lot of effort into proving that they are better than others, or a certain type of people, they will primarily be trying to deceive themselves. They will need to receive feedback that validates this view to help them to keep their true feelings at bay. Again, this is unlikely to be something that they are consciously aware of; if they were aware of what was going on, it wouldn’t work. The Mirror Also, as they have so much toxic shame inside them, they are likely to continually project this shame into others. Without being aware of it, they will see in others what they have lost touch with inside themselves. In general, then, they will have the tendency to see others, or a certain type of person as being bad or worthless. Once they have unconsciously dumped their toxicity into another, they will experience a strong reaction as they are coming into contact with a part of themselves that they are unable to acknowledge. Joining the Dots Until they are able to go within and to make the connection between what is going on within and what is going on without, it will just be as though they just happen to continually come into contact with people who are deplorable. These people will remind them of their own darkness. What can make it even harder for them to “wake up” is that they can be surrounded by people who are also in the same position. These people will validate both their view of themselves and the world. The Big Illusion Certain parts of the society that they live in, by being a manifestation of ego-consciousness, can also validate what they believe. Consequently, this society is not going to send them the message that the world is their mirror or to encourage them to engage in self-reflection. Considering this, if they are able to “wake up”, it could be because something could end up taking place externally, something that they are likely to have unconsciously co-created, that will cause their false self to fall apart. How they truly feel will end up being unlocked, dismantling a number of their defences in the process, and they won’t be able to deny how they feel any longer. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Law Of Resonance: Can Positive Thinking Make It Harder For Someone To Attract What They Want?19/7/2021
Having a positive mental attitude is often seen as a key part of what will allow someone to live a life that is worth living. As a result of this, someone can do their best to stay positive at all times.
This will involve having positive thoughts and feelings and doing what they can to avoid negative thoughts and feelings. By being this way, then, one will be able to take their life to the next level. A Hold-Up If this doesn’t take place, and providing they are taking consistent action in the direction that they want to do, it will probably come down to the fact that they are not being positive enough. For them to go to the next stage of their life, they will need to be mindful of what is taking place within them and to make sure that they don't allow themselves to engage in negativity. It could be said that this all makes sense as if someone wants to live a good life, being negative won’t help. What this will do is cause them to waste their precious energy focusing on what they don't won’t want. A Psychological Truth It has been said that what we focus on we get more of, so there will be no reason for someone to focus on what they don’t want. When this takes place, it could be seen as a form of self-sabotage. Considering this, it will be essential for them to do whatever they can to avoid one side of the spectrum and to stay firmly rooted on the other. Sooner or later, by being this way, they should achieve their desired outcome. Confusion Although this may appear to be the best approach, when it comes to being successful or experiencing something, it doesn’t mean that it is. Being positive practically all of the time is likely to be doing more harm than good. Instead of this approach allowing them to move closer to what they want, it could actually push it further out of their reach. As they will be positive and what they focus on grows, this can be hard to accept. Another Form of Repression What this comes down to is that it is not possible for someone to be positive all of the time and if they are, they are going to be living in denial. There will be moments when they will experience “negative” feelings and this is just part of life. They may be able to use positivity to cover up how they truly feel, at least in the short term, but they won’t be able to remove how they truly feel. In reality, how they really feel will simply be pushed out of their conscious mind and into their unconscious mind. A Different World Their conscious mind can then continue to be full of positivity but their unconscious mind will be full of negativity. The material that is held at this level won’t just be stored away and have no effect on their life; it will have an effect on their life from behind the scenes, so to speak. Ultimately, their “negative” feelings” can’t be removed in the same way that they would deal with their “negative” thoughts. The latter can be removed simply by replacing it with another thought, yet the former will be removed by experiencing the feeling. An Analogy One way of looking at the difference would be for one to think about the difference between burning paper and burning dirt. Paper will soon be burned but not a lot is going to take place when the dirt is burned. Replacing one “negative” thought with another is an expression of the masculine element – it relates to the doing. Feeling a “negative” feeling so that it disappears is an expression of the feminine element – it relates to being and, in this case, surrendering. It’s ineffective With this in mind, it will be essential for someone to acknowledge their “negative” feelings and to work through them. If they don't, these feelings - feelings that are made up of creative energy – will be pushed out of their awareness and will end having an impact on what they can and can’t experience. The feelings that they have pushed deep inside themselves will greatly influence what they are resonating. Their resonance will be made up of their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and this will define what they attract and what they repel. All of Them If they have a lot of “positivity” in one part of their being but a lot of “negativity” in another, naturally this is going to mean that they are in a place of conflict. Part of them will want one thing but another part of them will want something else, thereby preventing them from having what it is what they want – one part will typically cancel out the other and this means that they will rarely, if ever, get what they want. The trouble is that unless one is aware of this and they believe that they are doing all the “right” things, they can believe that someone or something “out there” is stopping them from having what they want. In truth, they will be sabotaging themselves by suppressing and repressing how they truly feel. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist, healer or coach.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Inferiority Complex: Can Childhood Trauma Cause Someone To Develop An Inferiority Complex?23/5/2021
If someone is in a position where they don’t feel capable and see themselves being less than others, it might not occur to them that this could be due to what took place whilst they were at school. There is even the chance that they are not consciously aware of this, with it being something that is just outside of their awareness.
However, if they are not aware of this, it is still going to be something that will have an impact on their life. How they see themselves will shape their professional life and how they feel, for instance. One Area When it comes to the former, it can mean that they will do something for a living that is not very fulfilling. This can be seen as the only thing that they can do, which is why they have to simply tolerate it. Or, they could do something that they enjoy and be good at it, but they might not take the next step. One could then be far too qualified to do what they do and be more than ready to go to the next level. Self-Sabotage There may have been at least one moment when they took a leap forward, only to end up right back where they started or close to it. This could be because they didn’t try hard enough and let it slip away. Or, they may have unconsciously done something that would stop them from being able to move forward. For example, they may have got into an argument with someone or turned up late. Inner World As for how they feel, they could sometimes feel low and depressed, and, at other times, they could feel anxious and on edge. They won’t be happy with their life and they could believe that someone will expose them, so it’s not a surprise that they will often feel this way. Nonetheless, part of them could believe that they are capable of achieving far more and see themselves as being nowhere near their potential. Consequently, one is likely to experience a fair amount of inner conflict. A Mismatch On one side, there is going to be what one is actually contributing and how capable they are, and, on the other side, there is going to be how one sees what they are contributing and how incapable they believe they are. What is clear is that their self-image won’t match up with who they really are. Still, there is likely to have been a time in their life when they were not very capable or found it hard to express themselves. This stage of their life would have left a big mark on them. An important Time This could relate to the stage of their life that was described as industry vs. inferiority by Erik Erikson. From the age of 6 to 12, they would have started to develop new relationships with friends and teachers, learn new skills, and develop a sense of achievement. If this stage had gone well, it would have played a part in them being able to get on well with others, to develop a positive view of themselves, and feel competent. This would have played a key part in them being able to be both happy and successful as an adult. A Challenging Time Instead of this stage going well, they might have found it hard to form relationships with others and, even if this wasn’t the case, it might have been hard for them to learn and to achieve anything. Thanks to this, they may have felt inadequate and like a failure throughout this time. This would have set them up to develop a negative self-image and to see themselves as anything but competent. To say that this was a frustrating and painful time in their life would probably be an understatement. What Was Going On? There are a number of reasons as to why this stage of their life was so difficult. They may have had learning difficulties that were not recognised, thereby preventing them from receiving the support that they needed, or, their parents may have been going through a divorce. Then again, they may have been in a traumatised state and unable to fully show up and focus on their education. In other words, their priority at this stage of their life may have just been to survive, having very little energy to do anything else. One Big Battle In their home environment, they may have often been abused and/or neglected and they might have had very little, if any, support or encouragement from their caregiver/s. Before they even entered the education system, then, they may have felt totally worthless and incapable. Their developing nervous system and brain would have had a lot to deal with and it might have rarely been possible for them to concentrate and to take anything in. Most of their time at school and home may have been spent in a dissociated state, unable to embrace the present moment and to take life in. One Thing After Another Given what they were going through at this stage of their life, it is to be expected that their time in the education system wasn’t very fruitful. Even so, these experiences and the meaning that their mind made out of them would have formed their view of themselves. If they could go back in time, they would see that they were in a bad way and this affected their ability to learn and to jump through the hoops that were provided. Taking this into account, the truth is that they are not incapable, incompetent or inferior to anyone else. Awareness If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is that something can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What could stand out, if a man was to take a step back and reflect on his life, is that he has felt responsible for his mother for as long as he can remember. He could see that this doesn’t just relate to her physical wellbeing but also relates to her happiness.
Therefore, he will feel the need to make sure that she is in a good place physically and mentally and emotionally. By being this way, a lot of his energy is going to be directed towards her. One Focus If he is not doing things for her, he is likely to spend a lot of time thinking about what he could or should be doing for her. Also, he could spend a fair amount of time worrying about if she is ok. With so much of his time and energy being directed towards his mothers, it is not going to be a surprise if his own life ends up being neglected. His life is either going to be nowhere near what it could be or it could be a complete shambles. Spread Too Thinly Yet, if his priority is to make sure that his mother is ok and to please her, this is to be expected. He is likely to be a heavily watered-down version of himself and this will mean that he is not going to be at his best. Ultimately, he can be there for his mother or he can be there for himself; he can’t do both. This is not to say that being there for himself means completely turning his back on this mother. A Massive Difference Both he and his mother are adults, and to be more precise, they are individuals, thus, he is not responsible for her physical or mental and emotional wellbeing. Moreover, he is her son, not her mother or father. So, just as he is responsible for his own physical, mental and emotional health, so is his mother. He can look out for her and do certain things, but there is only so much that he can do. One Step Too Far Due to the fact that he is so focused on her needs, he might rarely realise that he is crossing the line. This will prevent him from realising that although he is her son, he is acting more like her parent. He then has his own life to live but he acts more like an extension of his mother. Her needs are the priority and his needs are of secondary concern, and, as a result of this, his life ends up being greatly diminished, if not totally destroyed. Something Isn’t Right Behaving in this way is likely to be what feels comfortable and seen as the right thing to do. This is why he will behave in this way; if it didn’t feel right, there would be no reason for him to do so. However, as behaving in this way is not serving him it shouldn’t be what feels comfortable or be seen as the right thing to do. Along with this, his behaviour is unlikely to be serving his mother as it will probably prevent her from taking responsibility for her own life or getting the right support that she needs, that’s if she is unable to cope by herself. Going Back, Way Back When it comes to why he feels responsible for his mother and neglects his own life, it is likely to be due to what took place during his early years. At this stage of his life, he may have been seen as an extension of his mother and as someone who was there to fulfil her needs. In all likelihood, she would have had two types of needs: adult and unmet childhood needs. It is likely that this took place unconsciously, with her not even being aware of what was taking place and the damage that was being done. Two Parts His mother might not have been close to his father or his father might not have been around, and this would have played a part in why she had unmet adult needs. As for her unmet childhood needs, there is the chance that one of her caregivers also used her in the same way, thereby causing her to be in an undeveloped state, to close her heart and to be unable to truly commit to another adult. If his father had been emotionally available, he would have played a part in what allowed him to start the individuation process and to slowly leave his ‘mothers world’. This would have allowed him to go from an enmeshed, symbiotic state and to gradually develop a strong sense of himself. Fed To the Wolves Having a mother who unconsciously and perhaps, at times, consciously, saw him as her possession and a father who couldn’t be there for him would have meant that he was abandoned. Even when he wasn’t physically abandoned, there wouldn’t have been anyone there to look after and protect him, to attune to his needs – he was totally defenceless. How he was treated day in, day out would have overwhelmed him and stopped him from being able to go through each developmental stage and to emotionally grow up. He would have come to believe that his needs were bad and his survival would have stayed attached to his mother. The Truth The trouble is that at this stage of his life he would have been egocentric, which would have caused him to take everything personally. This, in addition to being mentally undeveloped, would have stopped him from being able to question what was going on and to see that his parent/s had issues and that there was nothing inherently wrong with him or his needs. Now, as an adult, the experiences he had and the meaning that he made all those years ago will be defining the thoughts and feelings that he has and his behaviour. For his life to change, what is taking place at a deeper level will need to change. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Disconnected: Can Someone Carry A Lot Of Emotional Pain If They Live In A Disconnected State?22/5/2021
If one spends most of their time on this planet living in their head, it will naturally mean that they will rarely inhabit their body. In general, then, what is taking place in his part of their being will be a complete mystery.
As a result of this, they are not going to have a good connection with their needs and feelings. This is not to say that they won’t be in touch with certain needs, such as their need for food. Pushed Away However, although they will be connected to this need, there could still be moments when they lose touch with it. Therefore, there can be moments when they won’t eat when they need to. This could be something that will take place when they are focused on something, which will take their attention fully away from themselves. For example, if they are using a computer or their Smartphone, this could occur. Vital Information Due to how strong their need for sustenance will be, it won’t be possible for them to completely lose touch with a need like this. So, before long, they will soon have the need to eat something. Nonetheless, when it comes to their other needs, such as their emotional needs, these will also be strong but it will be a lot easier for them to ignore them. In fact, thanks to how disconnected they are from themselves, they might seldom come into contact with them. A Big Difference Not getting these needs met will probably set them up to feel frustrated and even depressed from time to time, but one can do their best to push these feelings away. Also, one might not even know why they often feel this way. This will allow them to carry on living in the same way, without having to experience too much pain. Quite simply, not having their emotional needs met won’t cause their life to come to an end. A Way of Being At times, they might consciously push away how they feel but this could typically be something that happens without them even thinking about it. Furthermore, as they spend a lot of time up top, their ability to feel will be limited. If they were asked about how they experience life, they could say that they don’t feel much. Being numb or in a shut down state is then going to be the norm and, perhaps, how they have been for a very long time. A Build-Up Now, regardless of how shut down they are and how rarely they feel things, life will have had and continue to have an effect on them. There is likely to have been a time when they experienced a loss, for instance, and this pain is likely to have stayed inside them. They may have made out that everything was fine at the time and simply carried on with their life, yet it would have left a mark on them. Their mind would have lost touch with the experience, whilst their body would have held onto it. Other Moments Along with this, there are likely to be numerous other experiences that had a similar effect on them. The emotions that went with each of these experiences would have been pushed out of their conscious awareness, that’s if they even entered their conscious awareness. Considering this, there is a strong chance that they will carry a lot of emotional baggage in their body. Keeping this material at bay will take a lot of energy and the more baggage there is inside them, the harder it will be for them to keep it at bay. A Ticking Time Bomb There could come a point in time when something will happen externally that unlocks a lot of their pain and they end up being wiped out by this inner material. Like a wave, this could just about drown them. At best, they could feel totally overwhelmed, and, at worst, they could end up having a breakdown. The big question is: why would they be in a position where they have the tendency to live on the surface of themselves? A Traumatic Time What this can illustrate is that their early years were anything but nurturing, with this being a time when they were abused and/or neglected on a regular basis. Disconnecting from themselves, something that would have automatically taken place, would have been the only way for them to handle what was going on. What stopped them from being overwhelmed and ending their life at one stage of their life would then have become a way of being at another. This shows that their early trauma would have had a big effect on their personality and character type (Wilhelm Reich). A Brutal Time Their underdeveloped nervous system and brain wouldn’t have been equipped to handle what took place, and, to top it off, they wouldn’t have been able to run away or to fight back. Losing touch with their body, and becoming a divided being (R. D. Laing) in the process, would have been their only option. Most likely, what took place will have had an effect on how both their brain and nervous system is wired. The pain that they have lost touch with throughout their adult life will have been added to the pain that they experienced very early on. Awareness If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Expression: Can Childhood Trauma Cause Someone To Feel Guilty For Living Their Own Life?21/5/2021
Although someone is on this planet to express themselves, so that their life can be an expression of their true self, it doesn’t mean that they will feel comfortable doing this. Instead, what can feel comfortable is going along with what other people want.
Therefore, they are going to be physically separate from others but they will act as though they are an extension of them. As a result of this, their true self could typically be ignored and rarely see the light of day. The Alternative If ever they were to tune in their true self and ended up behaving in a way that was in alignment with who they are, they could soon end up feeling incredibly guilty. In addition to this, they could experience a fair amount of shame and doubt and feel unsupported. This could cause them to believe that they are doing something wrong, which could make them change their behaviour. Part of them will want to express themselves but a bigger part of them won’t feel comfortable doing so. The Same Old Story Due to how uncomfortable they felt when they listened to themselves, it is to be expected that they will go back to how they were before. This will probably mean that they will experience a fair amount of frustration and anger, and they could often feel helpless, hopeless and depressed. There could be moments when another person realises how fed up they are with living a life that doesn’t reflect who they are, yet this could be something that seldom takes place. The reason for this is that one could do their best to hide how they really feel. A Natural Assessment When they are in the company of those who appear to be living their own life and are full of joy, it could be hard for them to handle. Part of them, through identifying with them, could feel uplifted, but, another part of them could feel fed up and trapped. It could seem as though someone like this has something that they themselves don’t have. Their ego-mind could conclude that someone like this is lucky, whilst they are unlucky. As opposed to embracing the life that they have been given, it will be as if they are stuck in an invisible box, with them having to play a few different roles. Stepping Back If they were to think about how long their life has been this way, they could find that they have more or less always been this way. Subsequently, one could believe that they were born this way and that there is very little that they can do. They are, then, just different to others and they have to put up with what is going on for the rest of their life. Most likely, they are the way that they are due to what took place during their formative years. Going Deeper If doing what other people want is the only way for them to not only avoid feeling guilty, but to feel supported, prevent themselves from being overwhelmed with shame and filled with doubt, it can show that three key stages of their development didn’t go well. Each stage would have supported the next stage and allowed them to develop into a well-adjusted adult. These stages were marked out by Erik Erikson, who was a German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst. A human being is like a house, inasmuch as each stage needs to be completed in order for them to be strong and secure. Weak Foundations If a house doesn’t have good foundations, it won’t be long until it will fall down. In the same way, if someone doesn’t have strong foundations, they might not fall down but they won’t be able to make the most out of the life that they have been given. Ultimately, as these three stages are unlikely to have gone very well, they won’t have a strong sense of themselves or feel secure. They are then going to look like an adult, but they won’t feel like powerful and capable. Stage One The first stage of their life, trust vs. mistrust, a stage that would have lasted about a year, should have been a time when their needs were met on a consistent basis. This would have allowed them to know, at the core of their being, that people are reliable, dependable and trustworthy. As this didn’t take place, it would have set them up to associate other people as being unreliable, undependable and untrustworthy. The support that they needed would have rarely been provided and this may have stopped them from developing a sense of hope. Stage Two After this, they would have gone into the second stage of their development – autonomy vs. shame and doubt. But, without having successfully passed through the first sage, they probably wouldn’t have been ready. This would have been a time when they felt the need to do things for themselves and to assert their will, but, most likely, they were not encouraged to do so. Consequently, this would have prevented them from developing courage, confidence and feeling secure in their ability to survive in the world. Stage Three By the time they got to the third stage of their development, initiative vs. guilt, they won’t have expected their needs to be met; they will have stayed in a dependent state, lacked self-esteem and doubted themselves. Thus, they wouldn’t have been in a position to start expressing themselves. Whenever this did take place, they may have been punished in some way. At this stage, they would have learned that there is something inherently wrong with them having power and control over their environment and having their own purpose. Stuck Many, many years will have passed since they were a small child but they will still be experiencing life in the same way. They might have a well-developed intellect and body, a job and even be married, yet beyond all this, will be an adult who is developmentally stunted. The child, or children within them, will carry a lot of pain and this pain will need to be worked through. By getting in touch with the children inside them and allowing these parts to express themselves, they will be able to fill in the gaps and gradually move through these stages. Awareness If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
According to Erik Erikson, the first developmental stage that someone goes through relates to whether they can or can’t trust others. Now, providing that their primary caregiver, who is likely to be their mother, is consistent with their care, this stage should go well.
This will mean that this parent will need to consistently provide them with food, comfort, and caring. What this will do is help to settle down, if not completely resolve, the sense of uncertainty that they will have about the world. Strong Foundations The outcome of this is that they will learn to trust others, develop a secure attachment and know that people are reliable. This will allow them to develop a sense of confidence in their own ability to get their needs met and to handle a crisis. With this element in place, it will be possible for them to move into the next stage of their development – autonomy. Naturally, if they feel safe being here and have a sense of trust in the world, it is going to allow them to transition into the next stage. Jumping Ahead When they are an adult, so skipping a number of developmental stages, they will have the ability to form secure relationships with others. Emotionally connecting to another and opening up to them will feel safe. This is not to say that this will just happen with anyone or that they will be gullible – something that is said to happen if this stage of someone’s life is too good - as they should have the ability to be discerning. Thanks to what they experienced very early on, they will have a deep sense of hope and optimism. Numerous Benefits As they, along with everyone else on this planet, are an interdependent human being, being able to form close bonds with others is going to not just be a key part of their ability to survive, but also to thrive. Having close connections with others will be an essential part of what allows them to have good mental and emotional health. Also, by knowing deep down, it’s safe for them to exist, that the world can be trusted, and the belief that they have in getting their needs met, it will be a lot easier for them to be at ease and to relax. They will know that things will work out sooner or later and that they can trust and let go. A Different Reality Considering this, if someone had a very different experience during this stage of their life, they are likely to turn out very different. This may have been a stage of their life when their primary caregiver was typically unpredictable and unreliable. Instead of receiving the care that they needed, then, they would have often been left to cry for long periods and, when they were given attention, they may have often been smothered and felt trapped. This would have been a natural consequence of having a caregiver who was probably unable to attune to their needs, perhaps due to being shut down and disconnected from themselves. A Threat They would have soon come to associate the world as being unpredictable, undependable, and even dangerous. As for other people, these will be seen as being unsafe, untrustworthy and unreliable. So, although both they and others will be human beings, one will have come to see them as very different. In a way, it will be as if they are a different life form and need to be kept at a distance. Very Suspicious Deep down, the world will be seen as a very uncertain place and they won’t believe that their needs will be met or that other people will be there for them. They can have the need to keep their guard up at all times, out of the fear that they will be harmed by their fellow human beings if they don’t. A big part of them could spend a lot of time being in a withdrawn state and they could be paranoid at times. As their early experiences will have set them up to be in a defensive position, it will be incredibly difficult for them to relax and to let go, and, sadly, due to what they experienced, they might not have much hope or be very optimistic that their life will change. A Miserable Existence One might not have had an intimate relationship or they might have been with people but not been able to fully show up. If they have, they won’t have been able to see the other person for who they were; they would have unconsciously seen them as the parent that they had very early on. Out of their need to keep people at an emotional, if not physical, distance, they can often feel lonely and empty. The challenge is that no matter how strong their need is to keep people at distance, they will still have the need to connect to them. Conflicted What they went through very early on would have been deeply traumatising and this means that, as abnormal as their behaviour may seem, it is completely normal. With this in mind, it will essential for one to compassionate to themselves. Many years will have passed since their early years but a big part of them won’t have moved beyond this stage of their life. This part, through being in a frozen state, won’t realise that what took place is now over. Awareness If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For someone to live a life that is in alignment with who they are, they will need to have a good connection to their own body. The reason for this is that this part of their being will provide them with the guidance that they need.
Their feelings, needs, preferences and desires will be found here; they won’t be found in their head. Still, this is not to say that one will always need to be in tune with themselves in order to live a life that is worth living. The Modern-Day World There can be moments throughout their day, and even whole days, when they won’t have much of a connection to themselves. For example, if they spend a lot of time on a computer, this is likely to be a time when they won’t be connected to their body. Once they have finished working, they may find that they soon settle back down into themselves. Once again, they will have access to the information that is in their body, which will allow them to express their true self. A Challenging Time If they were to spend a number of days this way, it could show that they are going through a very stressful time. Perhaps they have recently lost their job or they are having relationship challenges. This could be an experience that goes on for longer if they have lost a loved one. Due to what is going on, it will be difficult for them to get back into their body and into an embodied state. Two Reasons Considering this, one will leave their body if they are using technology or engaging in something intellectual. Being in their head will be what is necessary and, apart from not eating when they should or getting enough fresh air, for instance, this won’t be an issue. Alternatively, they will leave their body to avoid the pain that they would experience if they were to inhabit it. This is not something that they will choose to do, it will automatically take place. A Very Different Experience It is then going to be normal for someone to spend some of their time on this planet in a disconnected state. This is simply part of life and not something that can be avoided. What will lead to problems is when someone is not simply this way from time to time but is practically always this way. Being in a disconnected state is then going to be a way of life, which can mean that they might not even realise that they are this way. Disembodied If this is the case, it could illustrate that they have been this way for so long that it just doesn’t stand out. Living on the surface of themselves and being estranged from their body could be how they have been since they were very small. In general, their point of awareness will be in their head, and this will stop them from being able to connect to the feelings, needs, preferences and desires that are located in their body. Quite simply, they will be strangers to themselves. Ungrounded By not having a strong connection to their body, it is unlikely that they will feel substantial and as though they have firm foundations. It can be as though they are simply floating in the air, like a balloon on a string, and are not anchored to the earth. As a result of this, they can often experience fear and anxiety. Along with not feeling connected to themselves, they can find it hard to feel connected to others, too, as their connection to themselves would allow them to feel connected to others. A Build-Up One will be spending a lot of time in their observer ego and very little time in their experiencing ego. The power in their body that would allow them to change their life will be out of their reach and this is likely to mean that they will often feel helpless. So, no matter how bleak one area or a number of areas of their life is, they can lack the oomph and motivation to do anything about it and can just tolerate what is going on. Things are likely to get worse as time passes and more “negative” feelings are likely to be accumulated deep inside them. What’s going on? If one has been this way a very long time, it could show that their early years were very traumatic. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected on a weekly, if not daily, basis. What they experienced would have been too much for their undeveloped brain and nervous system to handle, hence why they were often overwhelmed. The only option would have been for them to disconnect from themselves, to dissociate. Maxed Out As it wasn’t possible for them to fight back or to run away, they had to lose touch with what was going on whilst still experiencing it. If it wasn’t for this survival mechanism, they probably wouldn’t be alive. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but they will still be in a traumatised state. Their nervous system will be in a highly charged state and this is why being in a disconnected state – no man’s land - will be the only way for them to keep it together and to function; being connected to their inner world and the outside world will be to too much for them to handle. Awareness If one can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperAuthor, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Free Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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