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The short film that was recently released by a big brand is yet another thing that focuses on ‘toxic masculinity’. There are some people who are pleased that it has been made, while there are others who have had a very different reaction.
If someone is on board with it, they could believe that some men need to realise that the behaviours that were pointed out in the video are not acceptable. Its then as though some men believe that bullying, harassment and violence, amongst other things, are essential when it comes to being a man. Confusion For the people who didn’t have a positive response to this video, they may struggle to understand this view. Someone like this could say that these behaviours have absolutely nothing to do with masculinity or being a man. If fact, someone could say that this is how a man behaves when he is not in a good way. Therefore, as opposed to saying that man like this is showing signs of ‘toxic masculinity’, it would be more accurate to say that he is a deeply wounded human being. A More Balanced Outlook It is then not that men like this were told that this is how real men behave or something similar; it is that they are behaving in a destructive way because their inner world is in a mess. What this also means, then, is that just as wounded men do destructive things, so do wounded women. This doesn’t mean that their behaviour is therefore excusable; what it means is that making it all about ‘toxic masculinity’ is not the answer. What really needs to be looked into, that’s if someone actually cares about men and the world in general, is why some men are behaving in this way. Both Sides Along with this, looking into why some women behave in destructive ways will also be important. The mainstream media typically makes out all women are victims and all men are perpetrators, yet this has very little basis in reality. When a woman behaves in a destructive manner her behaviour could be seen as a sign of ‘toxic femininity’, but once again, this wouldn’t shed light on why she is behaving in this manner. In order for a woman to make a false rape allegation or to physically abuse her own child, for instance, it surely shows that something is not right. Hurt People Hurt People If a man, or a woman, has the tendency to hurt other people, what it is likely to show is that at one point in time, they were deeply hurt by at least one person. Ultimately, it often takes a traumatised person to traumatise another. At this time, it is clear that a lot of people on this planet are carrying a lot of pain, whether they realise it or not. This pain is not going to be healed by making out that one gender is the problem; the only thing it will do is create more pain and suffering. Another Factor Naturally, it would be an overreaction to say that one short film proves that men are being demonised. Another thing that has played into this narrative is the guidelines that were recently released by the American Psychological Association (APA). This organisation has come out and said that ‘traditional masculinity’ is also harmful. So, traits such as stoicism, competitiveness, personal ambition, self-reliance, courage and aggression are now a problem. A Bizarre Situation If, then, a man possesses traits that are an important part of being able to function in the world, he is going to be seen as being a problem. What might not have occurred to these so-called ‘experts’, is that these are traits that both men and women posses. On one side, men are being criticised for possessing these traits, but on the other, women are being praised for having them. For example, if a woman is a manager of a company, it is highly likely that she possesses a number of the traits that are seen as being part of ‘traditional masculinity’. The Two Elements What this comes down to is that both men and women are made up of masculine and feminine energies. Ergo, even though it is often seen as ‘progressive’ to be ‘gender fluid’, all human beings are, by their very nature, gender fluid and always have been. With this in mind, is a modem day man someone who lets go of his masculine traits and embraces his feminine traits and a modern day woman someone who lets go off her feminine traits and embraces her masculine traits? Is it about turning men into women and women into men? A Daily Attack But, even if this short film hadn’t been made and the experts at the American Psychological Association (APA) hadn’t come out with any guidelines for men, there is still the propaganda that the mainstream media and the education system spew out on a daily basis. In addition what these two sources come out with, there are the men and women who are on the ground, so to speak, who help to spread the poison that is disseminated by them. If a man does this, it can show that he is carrying a lot of shame and attacking other men is then a way for him to feel better about himself, and, if a woman does this, it can show that she also has a lot of pain deep within her being. Conclusion When a society is full of men who have been beaten down and who hate themselves, it is going to be a lot easier to control the society. Furthermore, by having men and women fighting each other, it keeps them distracted. It is very tempting for someone to blame the opposite gender for all their problems and the ills of the world, yet this doesn’t solve anything. The only thing is does it allow someone to avoid taking responsibility for their own life, and, if they join a man/woman hating movement, they will add even more drama to the world. The trouble is that as the human mind has all kinds of defences that will allow someone to avoid their pain, it can be very hard for them to be able to own their own issues. Due to these defence mechanisms, it can seem as though the problem is always ‘out there’ as opposed to out there being a reflection of what one needs to resolve within themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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A number of days ago, a brand released a short film that was aimed at men, and this was there to remind men of their “toxic masculinity”. In addition to this part, it showed men how to act in a more civilised way.
In the past, this company would share adverts that were radically different, with them being right behind masculinity. Now, however, they have changed their tune and have basically jumped on the ‘masculinity is bad’ bandwagon. The Other Side A number of people, both men and women, have thought about whether the same company will do a video aimed at women, taking a closer look at “toxic femininity”. This would make sense, considering there are positive and negative traits associated with both energies, and especially if this company is actually interested in doing the right thing, as opposed to just using this issue to make more money. It is unlikely that this would take place, though, due to how men are generally demonized by the mainstream and women are generally idealised. Ultimately, it is easy to lay into men; they are an easy target – this must be part of ‘male privilege.’ A Little While Earlier Before this short film came out, the American Psychological Association (APA) released its first-ever guidelines designed to help mental health professionals assist men and boys with their ‘toxic masculinity’. It was said that traditional masculinity was, in general, harmful, and this related to traits such as: stoicism, competitiveness, personal ambition, self-reliance, courage and aggression. Taking this into account, it is not just toxic masculinity that men and boys need to root out; they also need to root out every other trait that is associated with masculinity. Still, as this is a respected organisation, they must know what they are talking about. Back To Reality Another way of looking at this would be to say that the reason this organisation has come out with all this stuff is because they have a hidden agenda. On one level, it can seem as though this organisation is there to actually help people with their mental and emotional challenges but, this is just a facade. Running through the heart of this organisation will be the intention to indoctrinate the masses. This is then just another arm that the establishment uses to direct the masses in a certain direction. The Perfect Outcome According to this organisation, then, a well-adjusted man will be someone that has removed all of his masculinity - a castrated man. Unlike a man who has embraced this side of his nature, he will be an example to others. But while this will be seen as what a man should be like, it is unlikely to lead to a very fulfilling existence for the man. For one thing, man like this is going to end up being very passive and to lead a very reactive life. An Important Point What also can’t be overlooked here is that masculine traits are not only found in men; both men and women have them to varying degrees. This comes down to the fact that men and women are made up of both masculine and feminine energy. This is the plane of duality after all, which is why it is not possible to have one aspect without the other. Naturally, the key is to make peace with both sides and to integrate these two energies. A Strange Scenario So, as both of these aspects are an important part of life, there is no point in trying to demonize one aspect. Also, if women also have the masculine energy within them, it means that they can display ‘toxic masculinity’. If one aspect is demonised and it is believed that only men embody this aspect, it is going to be normal for men to be seen primitive beings that need to be domesticated by the more evolved fairer sex. When a society is made up of men who have been worn down and are drowning in their own self-loathing, it is going to be a lot easier to keep everyone in line. An Easy Target It is possible that the people at the top don’t give a damn about masculinity or femininity and merely want to enslave as many people as possible? Without strong men in society, women will be put in a vulnerable position, and this makes it easier for other ‘tribes’ to come in and to take over. This is, of course, one of the reasons why men have aggression, so that they can protect women and children from predators and provide the energy that is needed to build a society. It might seem as though times have changed and that there are no external threats any more, yet a simple look at what has been taking place recently will reveal that this is an illusion. Back To the Main Point Anyway, when it comes to ‘toxic masculinity’, bullying, violence and controlling behaviour are often put forward. It could be said that these are all examples of what happens when a man is being controlled by his aggression. Even so, to say that this means that aggression is therefore bad wouldn’t be accurate; aggression is an energy that is an inherent part of men (and women) and is neither good nor bad. What typically defines whether a man uses this force in a constructive or destructive way is what his early years were like. The Big Question Ergo, instead of purely focusing on ‘toxic masculinity’ and demonising men, what really needs to be looked into is why some men are behaving in destructive ways. Currently, the impression that is given is that a man consciously chooses to act in a violent manner, for instance. Based on this, if they are given guidance in regards to how to behave, they will simply change. For example, a man who goes around beating people up will then stop doing this once he realises it is the wrong thing to do. A Deeper Look What has most likely played a part in why some men are unable handle their own aggression and to behave in a civilised manner is the lack of guidance that they received growing up. Their father probably wasn’t around during this incredibly important time in their life or if he was, he might not have been available. The trouble is that in today’s world, it is often believed that the only purpose that a man serves when it comes to children is to provide the sperm and then to provide money later on. The guidance that a father provides in terms of showing a boy how to handle his aggression, amongst other things, is then not even going to be something that is considered. Conclusion So many children are being raised by single mothers nowadays, and this is means that there are plenty of boys out there that are not getting the guidance that they desperately need. Perhaps these boys will grow up to show signs of ‘toxic masculinity’ or maybe they will go to the other extreme, coming across as passive, depressed and lacking sense of direction. With this in mind, if someone actually cares about men, and society as a whole, and isn’t just interested in using this issue to vent and to look virtuous, one of their biggest concerns will be to do what they can to keep families together or at the very least, to make sure that fathers are not cast aside. ‘Toxic masculinity’ is then an effect of a far greater problem - the breakdown of the family.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In recent years, a lot has been said about borders and whether or not the time has come for them to be removed. And, when it comes to what someone’s views are on this topic, it can all depend on what side of the political line they are drawn to.
If someone is drawn towards the left of the line, they can believe that having open borders is the best option; whereas if someone is drawn to the right of the line, they can believe that this would be a terrible idea. This is then something that can create a fair amount of conflict between people. Another Scenario Along with this, even if someone is not all that interested in politics, they could still be all for open borders. There are at least two reasons as to why someone would have this position even though they are not overly political. What it could show that they have done some research on this topic and come to the conclusion that this is the right option. Or, it may be a sign that they are someone who has simply absorbed what the mainstream media and education system has come out with. One Purpose These two sources are supposed to be there to inform and to educate, but this is basically a facade. The education system takes people from a young age and indoctrinates them and, once their time there is done, the mainstream media carries on from where they left off. So, if someone has spent a lot of time in the former and spends a lot of time consumer the latter, it is not going to be a surprise for them to be all for open borders. These two sources of information often present open borders as though they are essential in today’s world. Another Influence Along with these two sources, one may have also heard pretty much the same thing come out of the mouths of their favourite singers and actors/actresses. This all helps to create the impression that this view is the ‘right’ view. It’s almost as if most of the people in this profession have the same brain, lacking the ability to form their own conclusions. Perhaps there are some actors/actresses whose whole life is just one big performance, with them not knowing who they really are beyond the roles that they play. An Easy Target Yet, even if an actor/actress is simply repeating something that they have been told to say in regards to open borders, it doesn’t mean that someone will be able to see this. Through putting this person on a pedestal and believing that they are more-than human, one can simply swallow everything that comes out of their mouth. This is one of the benefits of having celebrities go along with the accepted narrative; it becomes a lot easier to influence the masses. Having said that, perhaps certain actors/actresses were told that in order for them to reach the top and to become living gods, they would need to preach certain views. Another Reason They would then have gained the world, so to speak, but they would have lost themselves in the process. Someone like this can then seem to have it all; when in reality, they have lost the most important thing – themselves. Then again, an actor/actress could say one thing in public and another thing to their closest friends. They will then realise that if they want to continue to do what they love, it will be vital for them to pretend that they are on board with the accepted view, and, what is ironic here, is that Hollywood is somewhere that is constantly harping on about ‘tolerance’ and ‘diversity’. The Current State of the World Now, while there can be a number of reasons as to why someone can believe that having open borders is a good idea, what can’t be overlooked is what has taken place in certain parts of the world over the past few decades. For one thing, certain parts of the Middle East have been torn apart and, along with the physical damage that has occurred, there is also the effect that this has had on the psyches of so many people who live in this part of the world. So, to only think about the freedom that comes with open borders and the benefit this would have on people who generally need help, for instance, would be an oversight. What also needs to be taken into account is the other side of this; only focusing on one side will result in a lot of information being overlooked. An Analogy And, when it comes to making an informed decision, it is clear that the big picture needs to be looked at. One way get an idea of what has taken place in the Middle East would be to imagine that a hornets’ nest has been stirred up. Through disrupting this nest, there are naturally going to be a lot of hornets’ that are extremely angry about what has taken place, hornets’ that are not as angry, and other hornets’ that won’t have got worked up. And while some of these hornets’ that will soon pass through this experience, there will be others that won’t. The Sensible Approach Taking this into account, would it really be wise for the western world to open its borders bearing in mind the carnage that has been caused in this part of the world? Clearly, not everyone who lives there is going to want to seek revenge for what has happened to their country, but there will be plenty of people who will. And, even though most of the people in the western world played no part in what has taken place in the Middle East over the years, there are still going to be people in Middle East that have this outlook. To these people, the people who live in the western world will be seen as having played a part in what has happened to their homeland. One Hell Of A Mess If the leaders of the past and the present had not got involved in the Middle East, the world would probably be a lot safer. For a country to bomb another and then to open its borders to that country would be the height of insanity. To just take any one in from a country like this would be tantamount to someone eating food that had been laced with a small amount poison. This won’t be enough to kill them, but it will be enough to cause their body a fair amount of harm. Conclusion When it comes to an issue like this, it is essential for someone to not only use their heart but to also use their head. Their heart can cause them to focus on the people who desperately need help, while overlooking the people who want to cause harm. Empathy is important, that is clear, but when it comes to making sensible decisions, being able to think rationally is imperative. The heart only focuses on the here and the now and is idealistic, while the head is able to think about the future and is realistic. When the heart is elevated to a high position and the head is lowered and cast aside, it is inevitable that poor decisions are going to be made. And in this case, poor decisions will lead to even more harm being done.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It has been widely reported that a lot of children are now growing up without a father, and this is in addition to the adults who also grew up without one. There are, of course, a number of reasons as to why this is the case.
Firstly, moral decay has led to an increase in hedonism, which has resulted in the decline of personal responsibility. If, then, a man has a child/children and the relationship is not going well, he could just end up disappearing without feeling the need to play his part. Another Part Secondly, thanks to the welfare state and birth control pills, there is less need for women to be discerning when it comes to who they share their body with. Ergo, instead of having to make sure that a man is a decent human being, a woman can simply allow her impulses to take over. If she does end up getting pregnant and the guy runs off, she will most likely be able to rely on the government to give her what she needs. And, due to how much money she can receive in handouts, she may even come to believe that it is far better for her to not have any one else around. A Safety Net The government will then replace the father as the provider, taking away the need for the mother to do everything by herself. However, although the government will be giving this money out, this money will have been taken from other people. Consequently, the people who have children, along with those that don’t, will be paying for other people’s children. In the past, before the welfare state was created and long before the pill was available, a woman’s parents would have often done what they could to make sure their daughter chose a man who was financially stable and of good moral character or else they would have had to foot the bill and to pick up the pieces. Less Risk Choosing the wrong man to have children with is then not as risky as it was in the past and, as another source can now provide the resources that a man used to provide, it has meant that this has caused a lot of mothers to believe that fathers are no longer needed. Thus, once they have provided the sperm, they will have no use. And, even if a mother is in a position where she is able to support her child/children without relying on welfare, she could still have the same outlook. Apart from supplying the sperm, then, a father won’t have anything else to offer a child. Back To Reality Yet, even though this is something that plenty of people believe, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Now, this doesn’t mean that a child is destined to go down the wrong path if their father is not around. There are plenty of adults around today who have turned out fine, even though their father wasn’t around during their formative years. Nonetheless, there is the chance that someone like this had other male figures that filled in the gap, so to speak; such as a grandfather, uncle or an older brother. Inner Model For a son, a father provides him with someone to identify with and, as time goes by, he will gradually internalise his father’s traits. Said another way, his father will give him the building blocks that he needs to become a man. For a daughter, a father provides her with her first experience of what the opposite sex is like, which will play a big part in how she will go on to perceive men when she is a woman. In other words, her father will play a big part in what her relationships with men will be like as the years go by. The Fallout If a boy doesn’t have a father to identify with, he can end up identifying with his mother and become an emasculated male. Or, he can end up going to the other extreme, becoming a man who not only hates women but who engages in behaviour that is destructive. If a daughter doesn’t have a father around, she can end up developing a negative view of men. This could mean that she will end up losing touch with her own femininity, becoming super masculine in the process and being drawn to weak men or she could go to the other extreme, becoming overly feminine (passive) and end up with abusive men. The Foundations When a father is around, he will be able to provide his son with the external support and security for him to develop in the right way. In the beginning, then, he will look toward his father to keep him safe and watch out for him but, as time passes, the son will gradually internalise these two traits. The support and encouragement that his father gives him will also allow him to develop into a confident and competent adult; someone who has what it takes to handle the challenges of life and to thrive. A father will be also there to give his daughter what she needs to grow into a confident and competent adult. Other Elements Another thing that a father will show his son is how to handle his aggression, giving him the guidance that he needs to use this energy in the right way. He will show him that this is a fuel that will allow him to take action and to fulfil his dreams, as opposed to something he needs to disconnect from and to become a lifeless human being in the process. Part of this will be showing his son how to stand his ground and to be assertive. A daughter, on the other hand, might not have as much aggression, but she will still need guidance on how to manage this part of her nature, which will allow her to say no and to assert herself when it is necessary. Awareness There are many other things that a father contributes to a child’s development, with self-discipline and the ability to delay gratification being two of them. If someone grew up without a father and they are starting to get an idea of how this has impacted them, they will be able to do something about this now that they are an adult. When it comes to what they need to do to make up for the guidance that they didn’t get, it can all depend on what is going on for them. They may need to read books that offer guidance and then to apply what they learn, or they may need to work with a therapist/healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In the same way that a knife is neither good nor bad, it could also be said that social media is the same. With this in mind, if the former causes harm it will show that it is being used in the wrong way, and, if the later causes harm it will also show that it is being used in the wrong way.
However, while someone is likely to have learnt from a young age that a knife can be dangerous, they probably won’t have learnt the same thing about social media. Instead, this may have been something that they have gradually come to figure out for themselves. Another Scenario At the same time, if someone grew up before social media was invented it wouldn’t have been possible for them to receive this type of guidance during the beginning of their life. Therefore, irrespective of what age group they fall into, it would most likely still have been down to them to see what kind of impact it can have. And, once they came to see how destructive it can be, they may have gone online to see what other people had said. What may have also made it clearer that these types of sites have a dark side were the posts their friends shared online. The Reverse Then again, someone may have been using these sites on a regular basis and come across something that went into how destructive these sites can be. Before they came across this information, they might not have been able to connect the dots, so to speak. Due to this, they wouldn’t have been in a good place but they still wouldn’t have been able to see why this was. Thanks to the information that was shared online or due to what they read about in a paper, for instance, they were able to make sense of why they felt the way they did. It’s Normal What this illustrates is that when someone experiences life in a certain way and this has become the norm, it is easy for them to overlook external triggers that are playing a part. This is why it is so important to be able to detach and to reflect. Without this ability, one will be completely immersed in their life and it will be a lot harder for them to see why they are experiencing life in a certain way. If someone doesn’t have this ability, they may be able to develop it by practicing mindfulness meditation. Back To the Main point So, what someone may have found is that using social media causes them to experience a fair amount of anxiety. In addition to this, they could experience anxiety even when they are not using it and are only thinking about social media. When one goes online, what they may find is that they end up feeling edgy when they look through the news feed. And, when it comes to looking through their notifications, the same thing could take place. The Reason What this can come down to is that one might worry about what they are going to see. They may see pictures of their friends having a good time and end up wondering why they were not invited. The same might apply to their notifications, as they wont not know if they have received ‘likes’ or if they have received negative comments. One of their friends or even a stranger may have sent them an abusive message or uploaded an unflattering picture of them. Offline When they are not online, they could spend a lot of time worrying about what they are missing out on. The sooner they get back online, the sooner they will be able to put an end to this pressure. Once they are online, they might no longer think about what they are missing out on, but there will be other things to put them back on edge. Also, they could worry about if anyone has left any negative comments when they are not online. Wide Open Through having at least one social media profile, then, they will have opened themselves up to the world. This will have opened them up to good things and it will have opened them up to bad things. Through putting themselves out there in this way, they will have less control when it comes to what is said to them. It won’t be possible for them to only receive positive feedback from others. Distracted Their strings will be getting pulled by social media sites, making it harder for them to focus on the things that matter. Being in the present moment is also going to be something that is hard for them. Worrying about what other people are doing and trying to control how other people see them is a waste of their time and energy. If one cloned themselves a hundred times, they would still miss out of things, and, even if they had complete control over their online persona, there would still be people out there who wouldn’t buy into it. Conclusion If one finds that using different social media sites is having a negative effect on their mental and emotional health, it might be a good idea for them to get a piece of paper and to write down what they can do to experience life differently. Spending less time online and more time with real people will help, as will spending more time on things that will actually benefit them. Reading, learning a new hobby and/or creating something, amongst other things, can help them to see that social media is just a small part of their life. They may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or healer, for instance, if their inner world doesn’t improve after they spend less time using these sites.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Fairly recently, the mainstream media shared a story about Kate Wright, someone who first came to prominence after being in a British TV program. In this story, it said that Katie had ‘bad anxiety’ and ‘struggled to love herself’.
Now, I don’t know much about her and I have only watched a few minutes of the TV program she was in, but I thought that this was an important issue to cover. What she struggles with is something that a lot of people struggle with at this point in time, so I wanted to share my thoughts. My Opinion Thus, what this means is that what I am about to go into is based on my own views; it is not be taken as the truth. Also, as I don’t know Katie personally and know very little about her past experiences, I am limited when it comes to the information that I have to work with. My intention will be to shed light on why she is experiencing life in this way. And, as she is someone who is in the public eye, there is a greater chance that more people will read about this important issue than they would otherwise. An Unexpected Admission There are undoubtedly going to be many people out there, with a lot of these people being her fans, who find it hard to comprehend how someone like this can struggle to love herself. For one thing, she has a figure that a lot of women can only dream of having, and a lot of men find desirable. Not only this, a brief look through one of her social media profiles and it is easy to get the impression that this is someone who lives the perfect life. And to top it off, she is engaged to a high status male. Ticking all the Boxes From the outside, then, this is a woman who appears to have it all. The things that are often put forward by society that will lead to happiness, such as the perfect body, fame and having a desirable partner, she has. There are bound to be woman out there who struggle with the same inner challenges as Katie does, who believe that their life would be different if they had a body like her, for instance. If a woman like this was to hear about what Katie has said, they might not be willing to accept it. A Way Out For a woman like this, having the perfect body will be seen as an escape from how she currently experiences life. To hear another woman have the same experience as she does even though she has what they themselves want, could be too much for her to handle. What this woman could then do is ignore what she has heard and continue to do what she can to change her body. But, just like Katie, she could soon find that having the perfect body doesn’t change how she feels about herself. A Powerful Force In the same way that the woman above can want to have the perfect body so that she can feel better about herself, there is the chance that this is what gave Katie the motivation to transform her body. In order for her to have the figure she currently has, she will have most likely spent a lot of time doing different types of exercises and she may even have had surgery, who knows. Having the perfect body, then, would then have been seen as a way for her to finally feel good about herself. She would then have had two options: to look the way she did and to be a worthless human being or to have the perfect body and to be a valuable human being. Two Options Using her will power to change her appearance would have been seen as a way for her feel better. Due to how bad she felt on the inside, not looking perfect would have been seen as something that revealed how flawed she was. Transforming her appearance will then have been a way for her to stop people from realising the truth about her. So, through feeling worthless on the inside, her value will have ended up being externalised. A Human Doing Through being out of touch with her inner value and therefore, believing that her value is external and not internal, it will be essential for her to maintain a certain image. Having the perfect body and using social media to create the impression that she leads the perfect life will be a big part of this. Ultimately, looking perfect and having the perfect life will be a defence against feeling imperfect. Naturally, this will cause her to experience a fair amount of pressure, and the amount of anxiety she experiences alludes to this. The Fear of Being Exposed The reason she experiences so much anxiety could be because she fears that other people will realise that she is not perfect, and, if this was to happen, it would cause her to come into contact with the part of herself that she is trying to avoid. It will take a lot of energy for her to maintain the image that she has created. Yet, even though she will have to manage this anxiety, it will most likely be a lot easier for her to handle this than it would be for her to handle what would come up if she revealed her true-self. The false-self that she has created will most likely be a way for her to keep her shame at bay. Too Much To Handle If her whole being has been permeated by shame, it is going to be more or less impossible for her to experience self-love. It will be the equivalent of trying to feel comfortable on a bed that is covered in nails. Shame is a feeling that is incredibly difficult to tolerate, which is why she would have used perfectionism to try to avoid it. Behind the external changes that she has made, will be the same person as before. Back In Time If someone’s whole being is permeated with shame, it is usually a sign that they have experienced trauma. So, there is the chance that something happened to her that overwhelmed her system. If it doesn’t relate to a particular experience, it could show that she has had a number of experiences that had this effect. This could illustrate that she was bullied at school, or it may show that she experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect during her early years, for instance. Conclusion What this emphasises is how powerful shame can be when it comes to how someone experiences life. If someone can relate to what has been said above, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer. Through working through this shame, it will allow someone to embrace their inherent worth, allowing them to go from a human doing to a human being.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It has been said that although all human beings are equal on a deeper level, it doesn’t mean that this is the case on a more surface level. One thing that can give someone an upper hand in life is intelligence and another thing is attractiveness.
And while someone might only have one of these things, there is also the chance that they will have both. If this is the case, their appearance can make it easier for them to pull people in and their brain can allow them to keep them there. Just One Therefore, even if someone is not particularly intelligent but they are physically attractive, they are still likely to benefit. Their appearance can have a positive effect on their personal and professional life. Both men and women can be drawn to them, with them wanting to be around someone who looks good. Also, even if someone is attractive but they are not intelligent, they can still be seen as being intelligent. The Hallo Effect What this shows is how much of an effect an attractive face can have on other people. Another person might not need any evidence to prove that an attractive person is intelligent; they can simply assume that this is so. This is similar to how someone might not need proof that something is good if it has a logo on it that belongs to a certain brand. A person’s appearance, just like a brands logo, will send out a strong message. Two Parts Someone who is physically attractive can be like a bright flower to the people they come into contact with, brightening up their life. Not only can it make these people feel better, it can also have an effect on how they see themselves. Thanks to the defence mechanism known as ‘identification’, they can attach themselves to them. One is then going to be physically separate from the attractive person, but their mind can cause them to believe that the other person is part of them. Well-Adjusted Now, if someone is physically attractive, they may very well be someone who is a together human being. There will be the positive feedback that the world typically gives them and then there will be the love and support that is inside them. They are then not going to be someone who has a false sense of importance; they will have their feet planted firmly on the ground. Consequently, being born attractive won’t be seen as something that makes them any better than anyone else. Down To Earth As a result of this, it will probably make it easier for them to maintain their relationships with others. They may be only too aware that being physically attractive is not enough to sustain a relationship. But, just because they are not arrogant, it doesn’t mean that certain people won’t assume that this is so. If another person doesn’t take the time to get to know them, they might not be able to realise this. Another Scenario On the other hand, someone could be physically attractive, yet they could feel as though they are the complete opposite. How they look on the outside is then not going to match up with how they feel on the inside. Deep down, they could feel as though they are completely worthless. Thus, no matter how much positive feedback they receive from others, it is not going to have much of an impact on how they see themselves. An Addiction What they could end up doing, in order to try to change how they feel, is to do what they can to receive approval from others. One of the ways that this can take place is by uploading endless pictures of themselves to different social media sites. They won’t be able to internalise the approval that they do receive, which is why they need a constant stream of approval. It will be like they have black hole within them, with this being a hole that will never be filled. How If This Possible If someone is physically attractive, and is used to receiving positive feedback from others, it can be hard to understand why they wouldn’t feel good about themselves. Nonetheless, there would have been a time in their life when their appearance mattered little. Before they grew into an attractive adult, they would have been a vulnerable and dependent child. During this time in their life, they may have had at least one parent who didn’t treat them very well. A Traumatic Time Perhaps this was a time in their life when they were verbally and/or physically abused. Being treated in this way would have caused them to experience a fair amount of shame and there would have been the disempowering beliefs that they formed. They would then have felt as though there was something inherently wrong with who they are. Due to how they saw themselves, they may have ended up developing a false-self, and this may make it hard for them to connect with their shame as an adult. A Mask If this has taken place, it can be normal for them to come across as though they are more important than any else and to expect special treatment, amongst other things. Their narcissism will be a defence against the shame that has permeated their being. Naturally, someone who believes that they are superior to others is less likely to get support than someone who feels inferior. But, as time passes and they gradually lose their looks, they may gradually come to accept that they need assistance. Awareness If someone can see that they are carrying a lot of shame, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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The other night, whilst I was at a friend’s, I ended up watching a film called ‘Night School’. This is a film with Kevin Hart in and, like most, if not all, of his films, it is a comedy.
At the beginning I thought that the film was a bit stupid, but as time went by, I gradually got into it. A number of the actors put in good performances, with the guy who plays Jaylen being one of them. From The Start After going back in time to when Teddy (Kevin Hart) was at school, it goes forward to when he is dropping his partner off at work and, from the car that he is driving, it seems as though he has a high paying job. He then has the attractive girlfriend and he has the desirable car. Shortly after this, Teddy is working as a salesman at a business that sells BBQs and other garden appliances. Before long, he ends up receiving some good news from the owner of the company. Up and The Down The owner tells Teddy that he is going to leave the company to him, and this is soon followed up by him proposing to his partner. Everything appears to be going in the right direction, only for him to accidently blow up the building where he works. This results in teddy looking for another job; however, this is not an easy task due to how badly he did at school. In order for him to be able to work at his ideal job, he has to go to night school to retake an exam. One Big Cover Up Even though he goes back to school so that he can retake the exam that he walked out on many years ago, he doesn’t tell his partner. His partner has the impression that he has his ideal job and sees him as a capable guy. Another thing he keeps to himself during this time is that he is working at a fast food place that sells chicken. Yet, although his partner is oblivious to all this, his parents know exactly what is going on. Two Extremes Unlike his mother, his father is anything but supportive, which makes it harder for Teddy. He learns that the reason he didn’t do very well at school is because he has learning difficulties. Still, just because teddy has learning difficulties, it doesn’t mean that he should feel bad about himself. After all, there is something wrong when it comes to his ability to process information, not something wrong with his being. Toxic Shame The fact he has hidden the fact that he has learning difficulties from his partner shows that he feels ashamed of this. Deep down, he likely believes that his partner would lose interest in him if this was something she was aware of. To stop this from taking place, he has to create the impression that he has it all together. It is then not that he has a challenge when it comes to processing information; it is that there something inherently wrong with him. Contributing Factors When it comes to why Teddy believes that there is something inherently wrong with him, there are a least two reason that could be put forward. Firstly, there would have been the put downs that he received while he was at school and, secondly, there were all the put downs that he received from his father. This would have been the person who was supposed to give him the support and guidance that he needed as a young boy to be able to develop into a confident and competent adult. Instead, his father undermined him at this important stage of his life. It’s All Over His partner soon finds out about what is going on, thanks to the principle inviting her to the school. He told her that it was to redesign the school, when in reality it was to get his own back on Teddy for being more popular than he was at school. Naturally, she is shocked to find Teddy there and ends up telling him that she doesn’t care what he does for a living. He puts this behind him and does what he can to finally pass the exam that will allow him to move forward with his life. The Final Speech At the end of the film, and once it has become clear that he has finally passed his exam, he talks about why he has lied so much. He says that the reason he has pretended to be somebody else for so long it that he has felt ashamed. This caused him to forget about being honest and stopped him from being able to accept himself, and what played a part in being able to move on from this was having a teacher who believed in him. Unsurprisingly, he says that his dad said hurtful things to him ‘out of love’, and that this was a way to ‘motivate’ and ‘push him’. A Defence I say unsurprisingly, as it is a normal reaction for someone who was treated badly as a child to minimize and to try to rationalise what took place. Out of their need to be loyal to their parent and to avoid how they feel at a deeper level, they can do their best to maintain their idealised image of their parent. If they had realise that there was something wrong with their parent at this stage of their life and that there wasn’t anything wrong with them, they would have felt powerless and it would have been too much for them to handle. By believing that there was something wrong with them, it would have allowed them to believe that they could change what was going on, thereby stopping them from feeling powerless. Final Thoughts In the same way that acid will destroy metal, toxic shame will destroy someone’s sense of self. Through believing that there is something inherently wrong with who they are, they will need to hide behind a false-self in order to try to be accepted by others. Their value will end up being based on what they do and what they own, not on who they are. Said another way, they won’t feel as though they have any value internally, which is why their value will be defined by what is taking place externally.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When there is a problem, the first thing that will need to take place will be to find out exactly what is going on. Once this has happened, there is the chance that something will be able to be done about it.
If the problem is not identified, it is not going to be possible for anything to be done about it. With this in mind, it shows how important it is to find out what is going on in order for something to be resolved. A Big Area This, then, is the reason why different labels are used when someone has mental and emotional problems. By being given a label, it allows someone to find out exactly what is going on for them. Before this, they may have felt confused and wondered if they would ever be able to understand what was taking place. Now, thanks to the label they have been given, this will be a thing of the past. A Relief This doesn’t mean that any of their symptoms will have been taken away, of course, but they may feel more settled. Instead of walking around in the dark, it can be as if a few lights have been put on. From here, they may end up being given some kind of medication to go on and/or end up being referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist. It could feel like a big step has been taken, and that their life will only get better. A Strong Need The one thing that their mind needs to be able to settle down is certainty, which is one reason why being diagnosed will provide them with a sense of relief. This part of them won’t care if what they have been told is the complete truth. What can make what they have been told even more believable is if they have been diagnosed by an expert. This person can be seen as having all the answers, meaning that what they say will be the ultimate truth. Two Options If one was to end up on medication and to have cognitive behavioural therapy, there is the chance that their level of self-knowledge won’t improve. Numbing their pain by taking drugs and focusing on their thoughts and behaviour is unlikely shed any light on what is taking place at a deeper level. Their unconscious mind will then end up being overlooked, with them only focusing on what is taking place at a surface level. But while this will be the case, they might not be aware of this. Cast Aside The reason for this is that the expert/s who they see might not even mention the unconscious mind, preferring to simply focus on what is taking place in their conscious mind. Along with this, they might hear a lot about the effect that a chemical imbalance can have and ‘faulty’ DNA. So, while the pain that they are in will have provided them with an opportunity to take a deeper look into their own being, it won’t be gasped with both hands. Not only will they want to avoid their own pain, the people who are guiding them will also have the need to keep everything on the surface. Avoidance The ego will do anything to avoid pain, using all kinds of defences, and it is clear to see how the mainstream approach to mental problems is often influenced by the ego. Medication and the behavioural approach allow people to avoid themselves. It is the equivalent of taking a car to a garage that has problems and simply having it painted by a mechanic. Yet, while this won’t allow the car to work, a human being will most likely still be able to function in the their day-to-day life even if their symptoms are managed and their unconscious mind is overlooked. The First Step When someone is diagnosed as having a mental disorder, it can open the door for them to gradually understand themselves and to develop self-knowledge. Or, it can be a time when this door will stay shut and they will continue to live in the same way. Being diagnosed is then not something that is negative per se; it all depends on what happens after this has occurred. And someone can even end up being diagnosed as having more than one disorder. One Purpose It is then going to be a good thing that there are so many labels available as this will enable someone to get the right diagnosis. But while this is so, it could also be said that another reason why there are so many labels is that it legitimises this whole operation. The impression can be created that these so-called experts have everything worked out and that that is a clear difference between what is healthy and what is not healthy. Along with this, the drug companies out there can come up with different drugs for each disorder. The Perfect Scenario The last thing that these companies want is for people to look within themselves and to gradually resolve their issues. If they were to do this, this would take a lot of their business away. Naturally, the ideal will be for people to buy into all these labels and to end up taking their medication until the end of their life. With the help of doctors and other people in high places, they have been able to exert their influence and to define the type of relationship that so many people have with their mind and body. Conclusion Does this mean that medication for mental and emotional problems should be outlawed? No, what it comes down to is that these companies are there to make money, and it is going to be a lot easier for them to achieve this when people are dependent on what they provide. The last thing that these drug companies are going to want is for people to find other ways to resolve their inner challenges. In other words, these companies are going to do whatever they can to keep as many people as they can in a mentally and emotionally undeveloped state.
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There are quite possibly hundreds, if not thousands, of female models who share pictures of themselves online. And just as there are a number of these models online, there are also going to be a number of reasons as to why a woman would want to live her life in this way.
For one woman, this could primarily be a way for her to express herself, while for another; this could primarily be a way for her to silence the voice within her that says that she is not enough. Both of these women, then, are going to be coming from a radically different place. A Small Part But, while there will be different reasons as to why a woman would share pictures of herself online and describe herself as a ‘model’, the average man who follows her is probably not going to care about this. This could be something that has no even crossed his mind, due to the fact that he is completely focused on her appearance and not on what her motives may be. It is then going to be similar to what may happen if someone is extremely hungry and a plate of food is put in front of them; they most likely won’t ask where it came from. The only thing they will do is to start eating. A Different Need So, while looking at pictures of a woman/women wont fill a mans a man’s stomach, they are still going to fill another need. Or to be more precise, they will appear to fulfil another need that he has. In the same way that watching porn won’t fulfil a man’s sexual needs, looking at pictures of half-naked women won’t truly fulfil any of his needs either. What it will do, however, is give his imagination something to work with. An Analogy Therefore, in the same way that eating fast food can give someone the impression that they are getting what they need; looking at pictures of models can also have the same impact. But, just as the fast food won’t truly nourish them, neither will the pictures that they look at. Looking at these pictures will be like having a carrot dangled just in front of them, with this carrot always being out of reach. It might seem to get closer if they were to watch a video of the model, but it will still be way out of their grasp. Two Parts Taking this into account, then, the good that comes about through looking at these pictures is going to be offset by the bad that comes about. It will be like a child receiving a toy, only for them to find out there is no toy in the box. Positive feelings will arise in the beginning and then end up being replaced with negative feelings. But, in the same way that a child could go to another toy box to get away from these feelings, a man could end up looking through other images to get away from the frustration that arises through looking at a picture. A Life of Voyeurism Now, while there are going to be men who look through these images from time to time, there are going to be others who regularly look through them. What this can then mean is that a man like this will rarely see a real naked body. Instead of experiencing the real thing, he will look towards a screen to vicariously give him what he needs. He is then going to be wasting his precious life away and, to top this off; he may even be spending a model, or two, money. A Different Scenario On the other hand, even though a man spends a fair amount of time looking at these pictures, he could still be in a relationship with a woman. Clearly, he is not going to be physically cheating on her by doing this, but it could still have a negative impact on their relationship. A lot of his energy could end up being directed to this area of his life, and the women he is with could feel this if she is in tune with herself. Not only this, the man may start to feel dissatisfied with the woman he is with. A Pre-Existing Problem It could be said that this so purely the result of the man looking at these pictures and that everything was fine before. At the same time, what this could show is that the man wasn’t really attracted to this woman to begin with. By looking through a woman pictures online, it can then remind him of how far short he is of his ideal woman. It will be tantamount to wanting to drive a sports car but having to drive a cheap second hand one. Two Challenges If a man doesn’t experience the real thing and only looks at images on a screen, it is going to be clear that he will need to make a few changes if he wants to embrace life and to no longer sit on the sidelines. What he may find, if he was to look within himself, is that he doesn’t feel good about himself, feels powerless and doesn’t understand what he needs to do to change this area of his life. When it comes to a man who is in a relationship but still spends a lot of his time and energy looking through these pictures, he may also be out of touch with his own worth. He may also have trouble managing his own emotions. Conclusion The modern-day world makes it easy for someone to be passive, while also allowing them to feel as though they are actually fulfilling their needs. There is also the fact that technology has also created more space between human beings, which has resulted in face-to-face communication taking a back seat. Thanks to this, the life skills that were a normal part of life in the past are now often absent. The focus has gradually gone from learning how to use a computer, to learning how to have a conversation.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
 Oliver JR CooperTeacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 1,712,000 Article Views Online. My Books...
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
Trapped Emotions
Childhood
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
Toxic Shame
Abandonment
Child Abuse
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Trapped Grief
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?
Boundaries
Inner Child
Childhood Trauma
People Pleasing
Loyalty
Trauma
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