If someone has come to see that they were mistreated during their early years, they could have the need to talk to their parents about what took place. There could be a number of things that they want from them.
For one thing, they might want to know why their parents treated them in the way that they did. This could be a question that consumes a lot of their time, with them trying to work out why they were treated this way.
Along with this, a big part of them might want their parents to apologise for what took place. In fact, this could be more than something that they just want; they could have an incredibly strong need for them to do this.
This could be seen as something that will allow them to move on from what took place and to put the past behind them. The sooner they are able to open up to their parents, then, the sooner their life will change.
The Ideal Scenario
Now, they could reach out to their parents, talk about what is going on for them and find them to be very remorseful and supportive. It could even appear as though their parents have wanted to talk to them about this for a while.
They are then going to do all that they can to assist them in what they are going through and, if it is needed, they might even go with them to therapy. Thanks to their parent’s ability to take responsibility for happened and the love that they have for their adult child, they will be able to undo some of the damage that was done.
A Tough Time
This can be a time when one will talk about what happened, how they felt and how what took place has impacted their life. It will then be clear to them that what happened had a massive impact on their adult child.
Their parents can end up feeling extreme guilt and shame, and feel as though they have failed their child. This could also be a time when they will come to see that they were also abused as a child and thus, went from being a victim to being a perpetrator.
A Time of Healing
Through having their parents acknowledge what was done, it is likely to have a very powerful impact on them. Of course, it won’t change what actually happened but it will give the wounded part of them the validation that it needs and allow it to be seen and heard.
This is likely to be a very emotional time, with there being a lot of tears and important words spoken. The outcome of this process is that one’s inner and outer world will improve and their relationship with their parents will also improve.
A Different Experience
Sadly, this is not something that will happen to everyone who was abused by their parents. One reason for this is that their parents might no longer be alive, which will mean that this option is no longer available.
Another reason why the above won’t take place is that both of their parents could deny what they were abusive. Due to this, it won’t matter what one says to them as their parents simply won’t be able to acknowledge what took place.
At this point, one could end up doubting themselves and question if they are making it all up. If this takes place, it can be a continuation of what happened when they were younger; with this also being a time when their reality was disregarded and they were not truly seen or heard.
One or both of their parents would have lacked the ability to see them as an individual and to connect to them, and this may show that they had, and still have, a narcissistic personality disorder. They might have settled down as time has passed, but they will still be in a bad way.
If one is carrying a lot of toxic shame and is therefore shame-based, being invalidated can play into their view of themselves as being worthless and bad. The fact that their parents won’t acknowledge what took place won’t be seen as a consequence of their own inability to face reality; instead, it will validate the negative view that they have of themselves.
The truth is that what they experienced wasn’t their fault and they didn’t deserve to be treated badly. How their parents are responding is simply a reflection of their level of emotional development or their level of consciousness.
If their parents were to acknowledge what took place, they might end up experiencing a lot of emotional pain. This could be a time when they will also come into contact with pain that goes right back to their early years.
To keep this pain at bay and out of their conscious awareness, they have to live on the surface of themselves. They are then not going to use defence mechanisms such as denial and repression from time to time, denial and repression will be part of the false-self that they have in place.
The fact that they live on the surface of themselves will show that they don’t have a healthy relationship with their emotional self or their body. If their early years were not very nurturing, it would have meant that they didn’t receive the care that they needed to develop in the right way.
Their intellect could be developed, but the emotional part of them will be way behind. And, not only will this inner disconnection and lack of emotional development make it hard for them to empathise and to show compassion, it will also make it harder for them to face reality; they will be stuck in their head and this part of them can make anything up.
Having this understanding in place is unlikely to allow one to simply let go of their need to have their parents validate what they went through, yet it can settle their mind down. The key will be for them to work through their wounds.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer. Someone like this will be able to provide them with the validation that they need and to give them the support that they need to work through their inner wounds.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.