If someone was to see that they were mistreated during their early years, they could have the need to talk to their parent/s about what took place. However, although this will be the case, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to receive what they are looking for.
When it comes to what they are looking for, there can be a number of things. First, they can have the need for what they went through to be validated; second, they can have the need for their parent/s to show compassion and remorse; third, for them to be supported during this time.
A Dead End
What they could soon find is that none of the above takes place, with what they went through being dismissed. Along with this, they could essentially be told, in one way or another, that they are making it all up.
According to one or both of their parents, then, what they believe happened won’t have happened and will have no basis in reality. At this point, they could end up doubting themselves and wonder if they are making it all up.
During their early years, their reality – so their needs, feelings and perceptions - may have often been ignored and dismissed, so if they do respond in this way, it won’t be much of a surprise. In fact, this whole scenario will just be a replay of what took place on numerous occasions throughout their formative years.
If they are working through what happened with a therapist or healer, for instance, this is something that they will be able to talk about. By having someone like this in their life, they will be supported.
After not getting very far the first time, they could end up trying again and this time, they could talk about all the things that prove that they are not making it all up. In other words, they could talk about the facts, not just how they feel.
Even so, their feelings, which have been described as the facts of the body, will support what they have to say. Anyway, they can talk about how other family members and friends who were around at the time, back up what they say and they may have even had a brain scan, for instance, that proves that this stage of their life was deeply traumatic.
The Same Story
Once again, what they say could fall on deaf ears and it might be clear that it is not possible for them to get through to one or both of their parents. To be treated in this way is not going to be pleasant either; they might soon come to the conclusion that it is better for them to stop trying to get through to them.
Nonetheless, there are likely to be different child parts inside them that desperately want their parent/s to acknowledge what they went through. These parts of them will see their parent/s as being essential to their survival.
Most likely, for these parts to no longer have the need for their parent's love, it will be necessary for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs. When this happens, they will be crying out the pain of not having certain needs met.
It would be wonderful if this could take place over a weekend but this is highly unlikely. In all likelihood, this is something that will take many, many years, yet the need for external validation and to receive what wasn’t provided all those years ago will decrease by doing this.
Along with this benefit, it will allow them to see their parents in a more objective manner. So, instead of seeing them through the eyes of their wounded child parts and thus, seeing them as all-powerful and all-knowing gods, they will be able to see them for who they are –wounded human beings.
As time passes and they continue to heal themselves, then, what may soon come to mind is that one or both of their parents are deeply damaged. Not just mentally and emotionally but that their brain is probably also not right.
Joining the Dots
The part of their brain that would allow them to empathise and be compassionate is likely to be damaged, which is why they can’t be there for them now and why they wounded them very early on. By being this way and emotionally shut down, they won’t be able to be sensitive towards themselves, let alone others.
Ergo, how they are with their own adult child now and in the past will be a reflection of how they treat themselves. It is then not that they are choosing to withhold love now, or chose to do so in the past; it is that they simply can’t and couldn’t love.
As to why they are in such a bad way, there is a strong chance that their early years were brutal. These early experiences would then have damaged their brain, making it difficult for them to be present, to experience self-awareness and undermined their ability to empathise and be compassionate, and caused them to be emotionally shut-down and thereby, to live on the surface of themselves in order to keep their own pain at bay.
These experiences would have caused them to be unfeeling and therefore, made it easy for them to mistreat their child without feeling guilty or ashamed, or to even be aware of what they were doing. What this illustrates is that how one was treated during their early years was not personal; it was simply a reflection of what was going on for their deeply wounded parents/s.
The truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with them and they didn’t deserve to be mistreated. This is why it is essential for them to heal their wounds, so that they can live a life that is worth living as that is what they truly deserve.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.