Even though someone may have been abused by one or both of their parents during their formative years, it doesn’t mean that they have spoken to them about it. For so long, they might not have felt comfortable talking to them about what happened.
If they were to imagine how they would like it to go, if they were to tell them about what happened, this could be a time when their parent or parents acknowledge and validate their experiences. Along with this, they are deeply empathetic and compassionate and full of remorse.
The Perfect Scenario
After having imagined this, it could be a time when they will feel supported, loved and truly seen and heard. If this was to actually happen, it is unlikely that it would allow them to put the past behind them but it would be an important step in what would allow them to move forward.
Sooner or later, they might feel ready to reach out to one of their parents and talk to them about what took place. Due to the pressure that they may feel, they may find that it is hard for them to sleep the night before they speak to them or perhaps for a few nights before.
They may have let this parent know that they want to talk to them about something that is important or they could just go for it. After sharing some of the things that they experienced, they may find that what they expected to happen or something close to it happens.
If so, this can be a time when they will feel greatly relieved that what they went through is finally being acknowledged. They might believe that it will be possible for them to finally develop a relationship with their parent that is based on respect, love and honesty.
This parent could make it clear that how they behaved was not right and that they didn’t deserve to be treated badly. They could also say that they were not in a good way and how they treated them said more about what was going on for them than it did about how valuable or lovable they were and are.
Through taking responsibility for their own behaviour, then, it will lead to the creation of a bridge being formed between them. One can then begin to or continue to work through their wounds, knowing that they have their parent’s support.
Then again, one could go down this path and find that they basically hit a brick wall and are unable to make much progress. If so, opening up to this parent is likely to cause them to suffer even more and they might wish that they hadn’t spoken to them about it.
For example, after talking about some of the things that happened, this parent could simply deny what they say. As far as this parent is concerned, they might have been a good parent and provided them with everything or just about everything that they needed.
A Tough Time
It will then be as though one is just making everything up and is simply being ungrateful for all that their parent has done for them. What will be clear is that their parent is not willing to connect to their reality and empathise with what they went through and are going through.
So, based on how this parent behaves, it will be as if they are being accused of something that they themselves didn’t do and therefore, need to defend themselves and go on the attack. In reality, their adult child will be talking to them about their early experiences and they will have played a big part at this stage of their life.
After they have had one or a number of conversations with this parent, what they have told them could end up being shared with other family members and friends. If this was to happen, one could end up being seen as someone who is making things up and demonised by their parent.
If it wasn’t clear already, it could now be perfectly clear that they are unable to get through to this parent. Ergo, not only will they have hit a brick wall with this parent but they will have been speaking to a brick wall.
Thanks to how they have been treated during their formative years, a big part of them could feel comfortable with how they are being treated. As they were deprived of the emotional nutrients that they needed, they can worthless, unlovable and bad.
Yet, even if they are in a very bad way, they could struggle to understand why this parent is behaving in such a cold and cruel manner and doesn’t appear to feel guilty or ashamed of how they have behaved. What they will need to contemplate at this point is that this parent most likely doesn’t have a strong connection with their own humanity.
A Natural Outcome
With this in mind, if they were in a good way and this person wasn’t their parent, they would probably be able to see that they are not in a good way mentally or emotionally. But, due to the relationship that they have with them, it will be a lot harder for them to face up to the reality of what they are like.
There is a strong chance that this parent was also mistreated treated during their early years, which may have caused them to lose touch with their true self and to end up living on the surface of themselves in the process. They are then not going to be a very connected and integrated human being, and this is why they are unable to face reality and display empathy and compassion towards them.
Without a fully functioning brain and access to all of their consciousness, they will be caught up in their mind and will have unconsciously formed a story and an identity that paints them as a good if not a perfect parent. Behind their disconnected false self, which is defending them against what is taking place outside of their conscious awareness, they would probably soon come into contact with a lot of pain.
How they behave and what they say is then less about invalidating their child and more about them behaving in a way that will stop them from falling apart. This is likely to be something that they are not consciously aware of.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.