Child Abuse: Can An Abusive Parent Be Too Emotionally Underdeveloped To Acknowledge That They Were Abusive?

If someone was abused by at least one of their parents during their formative years, they may hope that what they went through will be validated by them. This could be seen as part of what will allow them to move on from what happened.

However, even if this need is there, it doesn’t mean that it will end up being met. So, they could reach out to this parent and talk about some of the things that they experienced and end up hitting a brick wall.

A Dead End

This parent could dismiss most if not all of what they have to say and make out that what they have said has no basis in reality. Therefore, they are not going to be seen and heard.

After this, they could feel deeply frustrated, angry and very sad. They will have been full of hope before they spoke to them, only to and ended up feeling totally hopeless after.

Another Go

Before long, though, they could believe that they need to try another approach and this time, it will be different. But, after trying another approach, the same thing could take place again.

As with before, they could end up being in a bad way and other areas of their life might also start to be affected. They could find that it is hard for them to focus and that they start to lose motivation.

A Strange Scenario

What they could struggle to understand is why their parent is unable to face up to what took place. After all, this parent will have been there during their early years; it won’t have been someone else.

A big part of them may believe that this parent is simply choosing to withhold the validation that would make it easier for them to move forward. If they really wanted to help them, then, they would.

Another Angle

Yet, while it may seem as though they are withholding something that they could provide if they really wanted to, there is a chance that there is far more to it. On one level, they will be their parent and will be a lot older than them.

But, at another level, their level of emotional development is unlikely to be anywhere near their chronological age. As a result of this, beyond them being their parent and being older, a big part of them is likely to be developmentally stunted.

A Natural Outcome

This will be the main reason why they are unable to truly be there for them now and why they were unable to truly be there for them as a child. It’s then not that they are choosing not to be there for them now and chose not to be there for them all those years ago; it’s that they can’t be there for them now and couldn’t be there for them then.

As a child, they would have seen them as an all-powerful and all-knowing god and this was due to how underdeveloped they were. In truth, they would have been an imperfect human being who was deeply wounded.

A Remnant of The Past

Seeing this parent through the eyes of their child self will prevent them from being able to see them clearly. Part of them can also believe that there is something inherently wrong with them and this is why they missed out on and are continuing to miss out on their parent's love.

Therefore, if they had worth and were lovable, this parent would treat them differently. But, this will be a consequence of them having been egocentric during their formative years and personalising what took place.

A Defence

Taking this into account, if their parent was to face reality and was no longer in denial, they would probably end up coming into contact with a lot of pain. The pain that would arise would relate to how they treated their child and how they were treated during their formative years.

For them to keep it together and function, keeping this pain at bay will be vital. Not acknowledging how they treated their child is then not a way for them to undermine their child; it is a way for them to unconsciously keep their inner material at bay.

Another Route

It will be a waste of their time and energy to look towards this parent to assist them in their healing journey. Ultimately, their parent will have given them everything that they can.

And, the fact that they themselves are aware of how dysfunctional their early years were and are taking the steps to work through their wounds will be a sign of how well they are doing. What their parent was unable to do, to bring an end to what was most likely generational abuse will be something that they are gradually bringing to an end.

Awareness

If they haven’t already, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk