What someone may hope, if they were abused as a child, is that their parent or parents will validate what they went through. This will then be a time when one or both of their parents will be able to both hear what they say and express remorse.
But, what they may soon find is that this doesn’t take place and that they end up hitting a brick wall, so to speak. So, after talking to one of their parents about what happened, what they said could end up being dismissed.
An Odd Scenario
If this is what takes place, they could struggle to understand why this parent has behaved in this way. Based on how they have behaved, it could be as though it was them, not their parent who actually caused harm.
The reason for this is that they may have been criticised by this parent and accused of making things up. As a result of this, they would then have expected one thing and experienced something that was very different.
It will have been as if they had written an important letter and desperately wanted another person to read it. Instead, they would have given this letter to another and it would have ended up being thrown on the floor and stamped on.
After this, they could feel very low and it could be as if they have done something wrong, with them feeling guilty and ashamed. In fact, they could now be in a very deep emotional hole.
The Same Old Story
However, while their parent’s response will hurt them, they may find that this is not a new experience. Throughout their early years, their reality may have largely been dismissed.
In other words, their thoughts, feelings, needs and perceptions would have been ignored, with them being forced to go along with what this parent wanted. Consequently, they might come to the conclusion that they were naive to expect anything else.
After they have tried to get through to their parent on a number of occasions, what might enter their mind is that it is like they are trying to break into a secure building. It simply won’t be possible for them to get through to their parent.
This parent is then not going to be wearing armour but it will be as though they are wearing something that prevents anything from getting into their mind. If they are not aware of this already, they are likely to soon realise that they are going to have to let go of their need to be seen by their parent that is unable to do this.
A Helping Hand
With that aside for the time being, if their parent was able to do this, they would make it easier for them to move on from what happened. The validation and compassion that they could provide would be like water poured into a dry desert.
This is not to say that this alone would allow them to heal but it would be a key part of it. Along with their parent’s validation and compassion, there would still be the pain that they would need to work through, among other things.
Business as Usual
Yet, this is not going to happen and, just as this parent deprived them of what they needed to grow and develop during their formative years, they will deprive them of what they want, but no longer need, to be able to move forward as an adult. At this point, they could wonder why this parent is so absent and unable to truly see them.
They will be their parent’s child but due to how they behave, it will be as if they are a fly that is simply an annoyance. Most likely, this parent is not in a good way mentally or emotionally and could even be brain damaged.
Behind their strong, defensive self is likely to be someone that is full of pain and feels totally worthless and unlovable. As to why this is the case, it is probably because they themselves were also abused during their formative years and deprived of the love that they need.
To handle what took place, they would have automatically created a disconnected and inflated false self, losing touch with their humanity in the process. This would have caused them to become an unfeeling human being that was more-than-human, meaning that they lost touch with their shame.
By being this way, if they were to acknowledge that they were abusive, they would end up coming into contact with how they really feel deep down, below their false self. This would be a time when they would fall into a very deep hole
Therefore, their inability to acknowledge what took place is not a way for them to harm their child, it is a way for them to unknowingly keep it together and function. Ultimately, they have to deny anything that goes against their inflated view of themselves and live in a fantasy or else they would be in a very bad way.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.