Child Abuse: Can Someone Embody Their Parents Sense Of Being Unlovable If They Were Abused As A Child?
If someone doesn’t believe that they are lovable, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Even so, how they see themselves is still going to have an effect on how they experience life.
By being this way, it can be normal for them to push human warmth away. But, if they are not aware of the fact that they don’t feel lovable or see how they are pushing warmth away, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak.
So, if they were to meet someone that is loving and kind, they might not be in their life for very long. Naturally, spending time around someone like this is not going to feel comfortable.
To resolve this inner discomfort, they could do something that will create the impression that they are not into the other person. So, they could do this by turning up late to see them or not responding to their messages.
An Automatic process
This is not to say that they will consciously choose to do this as it could be something that takes place without them even thinking about it. Another thing that they could do is go with someone else and cheat on them.
After the other person has left their life, they could end up wondering why they behaved as they did. This could be a time when they will lay into themselves, seeing themselves as a failure, for instance.
If they have friends that are warm and treat them with respect, this could also make them feel uncomfortable. Based on how they feel, it will be as though they are receiving something that they are not worthy of.
These people are then going to treat them in a way that they deserve to be treated but they won’t be able to accept this. This may mean that they have pushed a number of friends away over the years.
Making the Unconscious Conscious
If they we able to take a step back and reflect on their life, they might gradually be able to see that they don’t feel lovable. After becoming aware of this, they might see that they have felt like this for as long as they can remember.
Their mind could go blank though if they were to think about why they feel this way. What could cross their mind is that they were born this way, and there is then going to be very little that they can do about it.
Nonetheless, even if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it doesn’t mean that they were born this way. What took place during their formative years may be the reason why they are this way.
This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, with them having at least one parent that was abusive and neglectful. Thus, throughout this stage of their life, they may have been treated like they were nothing.
The love that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way wouldn’t have been provided. Feeling worthless, unloved, unwanted, hated, rejected and alone would have been normal.
As opposed to being their parent or parent’s child, then, it would have been as if they were an intruder that was forcing this person or people to look after them. Ultimately, they wouldn’t have been cherished.
A Deeper Look
The trouble is that although how they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents, they wouldn’t have been able to accept this. As they were egocentric, how they were treated was seen as a reflection of how worthless and unlovable they were.
Still, this is not to say that their parent or parents were aware of what was going on. Most likely, they were oblivious to how their own wounds were having an impact on how they saw and treated their child.
Now, assuming that it was one parent that treated them like dirt, this parent might have also been treated like dirt by one or both of their parents or another family member when they were younger. They would then have personalised what took place and ended up feeling worthless and unlovable.
Thanks to the defences that they built up over time, they would have lost touch with their true feelings and ended up creating a disconnected and inflated false self. The outcome of this is that they would have probably seen themselves as being superior to others and their child, who would have unconsciously reminded them of the parts of themselves that they had disowned, and would have treated them in the same way that they were treated.
Drawing The Line
This shows how abuse is passed on from one generation to another and how important self-awareness and self-healing are. Without this, it won’t be possible for this type of behaviour to be put to an end.
With that aside, the truth is that they are worthy and lovable, and if their parent treated them differently, they would probably know this at the core of their being. Due to what they went through, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.