Child Abuse: Can Someone Have The Need To Be Perfect If They Had A Highly Critical Parent?

If someone was brought up in an environment that was extremely conditional and there was very little love on offer, it doesn’t mean that this is something that they will be aware of now that they are an adult. In fact, if they were to think about this stage of their life, they might not be able to remember a great deal.

However, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that what took place will be well and truly behind them. If they could remember what took place, they might soon see how their past is very much part of their present.

Weighed Down

They can have the need to create the impression that they have it all together and don’t make mistakes. But, as they are an imperfect human being, this is likely to mean that they will have the tendency to hide themselves.

Naturally, as they are not perfect, the only way that they will be able to maintain this image is by making sure that people are only aware of certain parts of them. Living in this way is likely to take a lot out of them and they could often feel exhausted.

One Big Struggle

They are going to put in a lot of effort to maintain this image and behind this image is likely to be the fear that they will be ‘found out’. It is then not a surprise that they will have such a strong need to maintain this image.

This is likely to mean that they are a highly driven person, who finds it hard to sit still for very long and thus, rarely take the time to just be. Along with often feeling exhausted, then, they are likely to often feel deeply alone.

Held Back

There is a chance that being this way has allowed them to attain a certain level of success. Therefore, in the eyes of some people, they will be seen as having made it and be seen as a role model.

Then again, they might have only been able to get so far, or they might have been able to move forward and then ended up back where they were before long. What this is likely to show is that they don’t feel comfortable going to the next level.

In The Same Boat

If they haven’t been able to get very far, it will show that what is taking place for them at a deeper level is holding them back. Whereas if they have been able to go to the next level and are successful in at least one area of their life, this can show that they have been able to resist what is taking place for them at a deeper level.

Even so, due to what is going on for them, they won’t be able to enjoy what they have worked so hard for. As with someone who has stolen an identity and fears being exposed, they will be on edge a lot of the time.

What’s going on?

If they were able to mentally detach from what is going on and reflect on how they experience life, they might struggle to understand why they have such a strong fear of being seen as a fraud. Not only this but why they have the need to present a certain image and can’t just be themselves.

What will be clear is that they don’t have a felt sense of being enough and do have a felt sense of not being enough. Furthermore, they will feel like there is something inherently wrong with them, with them being less than others.

Back In Time

What this will show is that as they were not brought up in an unconditional environment and missed out on the love that they needed, they were deprived of the emotional nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have often been criticised by one or both of their parent’s

Whenever they did something wrong or made a mistake, instead of being supported and encouraged and it being made clear that what they did was not a reflection of their worth or lovability, it would have been seen as a sign that there was something inherently wrong with them, they were not enough and they were not lovable. Feeling useless, stupid, incapable, flawed and unlovable would then have been normal.

The Outcome

As they were powerless and totally dependent at this stage of their life, they wouldn’t have been able to do a great deal about what was going on. They would have automatically created a disconnected false self and hoped that they would be loved.

This is likely to have involved them doing what they could to get everything right and not making an effort if it was clear that this wouldn’t take place. Not being able to be loved for who they were would have meant that this was a very lonely period of their life, which will mean that it won’t be any different to what it has been like for them as an adult.

Drawing the Line

Ultimately, how they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents’. The trouble is that as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place.

Being treated this way would have caused them to experience a lot of pain and be deeply hurt. For them to reconnect to their true self and know that there is nothing inherently wrong with them, that they are enough and lovable, they will need to face and work through this pain.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk