If someone was to see that their early years were not very nurturing, it could take a little while until they feel ready to share what happened with others. As for why it has taken them a little while to see this, this will most likely be due to their conscious mind forgetting all about what happened.
To protect them during this brutal stage of their life, their brain would have automatically blocked out what happened. This would have allowed them to keep it together and function, as opposed to them being overwhelmed with pain and their life coming to an end.
A Big Step
So, without them even talking about what has happened, the fact that they are starting to reconnect to what happened is a big leap forward. Still, this is not to say that they won’t have suffered before as the pain within them is likely to have undermined them in a variety of ways.
For example, before this realisation fell into place, they may have often felt down, bad, overly fearful and anxious and not understood why this was. This would have just been what was normal, with there seemingly being no other way for them to experience life.
Part of them can want to tell at least one person about what happened but there can be other parts that don’t. Part of them could believe that if they open up about what happened, what they went through will end up being invalidated.
Therefore, they will be told that they are making it all up or that it wasn’t as bad as they make out, for instance. Moreover, they could believe that opening up will cause them to be harmed again.
A Key Point
Sadly, there are people who won’t be able to empathise with them and be supportive. Due to this, at first, it might be best for them to speak to someone who is unlikely to behave in this way such as a therapist or healer.
That is unless, of course, they have a close friend or family member who they are pretty sure won’t behave in this way and who will empathise with them and be supportive. This is something that they will have to think about.
Now, assuming that they were to open up to a friend or a family member and this person was somewhat supportive and empathic, they could end up being told that they need to forgive their parent or parents and move on with their life. In this person’s eyes, then, moving forward is likely to be seen as something that is fairly simple, if not easy.
After hearing this, they could end up feeling guilty and ashamed. They could believe that they are just making a big deal out of something that happened perhaps decades ago and need to put it all behind them and stop wasting their life.
A Magic Button
Forgiveness is then going to be like a magic wand that will allow them to put the past behind them and live a fulfilling life. It will be a case of if they want to move forward, they will just forgive them and if they don’t, they won’t.
To do this, they could end up using affirmations, writing letters and even speaking to their parent or parents directly and telling them that they forgive them. By doing the ‘right’ thing, they can even feel better about themselves.
Back to reality
However, as the days, weeks and months pass, they may find that they don’t feel much different and that their life hasn’t really changed. If so, they could believe that they just need to keep going and once they have finally forgiven them, this will change.
Most likely, they could continue to go down this path for decades and not a great deal will change. The reason for this is that as important as it is for them to forgive their parent or parents, along with themselves, for what happened, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Ultimately, what they went through throughout their developmental years is likely to have had a big impact on their brain and nervous system. Furthermore, there will be all the pain and arousal that they are going to be carrying.
With this in mind, to say that they can move on with their life by just forgiving their parent or parents, as well-meaning as this advice may be is ridiculous. It’s a bit like telling a car, a car that has recently been written off, that if it just forgives the other car, it will be able to carry as on as before.
There are going to be a number of things that they will need to do and moving on, as is likely to be only too clear, is not going to happen overnight. Just as with the car that has been written off, it will take a considerable amount of time for them to find their feet and to live a life that is worth living.
This is why they don’t need to add any more guilt or shame on top of the guilt and shame they are already likely to carry about not being able to just move on and live their life. Like someone who has been in a warzone and simply can’t function, they will have been brought up in a warzone and will need to give themselves the time that they need to recover.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their lie, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.